It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
I have met a wonderful guy who, on our first date, explained to me that he was still married and had two kids by another woman. We have been together for four years now and we have a daughter together. He hasn’t been able to get a divorce yet because of financial reasons (not enough money), but they have been separated for 1 1/2 years so I know it is over. He definitely wants to finalize it. Here is the twist: He proposed to me and he wants us to get married. Now, am I a fool for accepting this and continuing on with this relationship? I love him and he has given me no other reason not to want to marry him, but this current marriage of his has not been finalized so who knows how long it’s going to be. Am I holding myself back because of this? I’m almost all-in, but I want some advice. — Almost All In
I’d think accepting a proposal from a guy who is still legally married is probably the least foolish part of this scenario, with the most foolish being dating a guy for four years who had a wife and family and then having a child with him when he apparently didn’t even have enough money for a divorce. (How can he afford another kid of he couldn’t even afford a divorce)? And how can you say he’s given you “no other reason not to want to marry him”? The man’s a cheater and a liar, and this whole thing sounds foolish all around.
My husband and I have been married for just under a year now. When we go out drinking, his flirting and inappropriate sexual comments to other women makes me extremely uncomfortable. Usually, when he flirts, I’m pretty good about it and honestly don’t care, but when he starts getting very sexual (physically as well as verbally), it pisses me right off. I recently brought it to his attention and he said he was sorry and that he shouldn’t have been doing that to me. I told him I don’t want him to change but that I’m simply stating it is disrespectful and extremely hurtful. Then, the very next weekend after this conversation, he got drunk again and started flirting with a mutual friend and making inappropriate comments such as, “I just wanna pick you up on my shoulders and wrap your legs around my neck.” I actually cannot deal with this. Am I over-reacting? — Pissed Right Off
I think you’re under-reacting, actually. Your husband gets crunk and then gets sexual, physically (and verbally, which is bad enough) and you actually tell him you “don’t want him to change”?! Why on earth would you say that? Because you want to be “the cool wife”? Because you don’t want to seem like a nag? Please. What he’s doing is not only disrespectful to you, but it’s also extremely disrespectful to the women he’s basically assaulting. You need to woman up and demand that he stop this behavior and get help for his out-of-control drinking, or you’re going to leave him. This is NOT ok.
Help me with this one: On my birthday he sent expensive candy and a $100 gift card. He’s been asking me out for dinner, but he never calls to confirm plans. He’ll call every now and then, so I don’t know if he is serious or if I should move on already and just stop calling him. — Candy is Nice, But Dinner is Better
Is the guy married or otherwise partnered up (because, it sounds like he could be)? If so, MOA. If not, call him one more time, ask him when he’s going to take you out for that dinner he’s always inviting you out for, and, if he still hems and haws, MOA.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.