It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss when it’s way, way, way time to MOA, and letting a friend know you don’t share the same fantasy.
My boyfriend and I are both 20 and he just told me he’s not sure he will ever love me. Our relationship is not working and we fight a lot due to the fact that I can no longer trust him given that he cheated on me not too long ago (but I forgave him). What really hurts me is that he did love that girl, but he doesn’t love me (she was the ex before me, whom he was with for four years). I do love him a lot and the only thing I want is for him to love me back. He does care for me a lot and we have really good times together. He also never lets me go when I want to move on — he says he wants to move in with me and make plans for the future. All these things give me hope but at the same time the fact he doesn’t and may never love me confuses me a lot. We have been together on and off for a year and a half, and we were broken up for three months in which he was with that other girl. If I were to stay with him do I have hope for him to love me? Should I keep trying? I can’t ask any one else for advice because he is really bad looking and everyone has been telling me to “dump” him since I met him, before he even did anything bad. — I’m With Ugly
Oh, honey, have some self-respect and move on. This guy says he doesn’t love you, he’s cheated on you, he loves another woman, AND he’s unattractive to boot? Can’t you hear the chorus of “MOA”s??
I have been with my boyfriend for just over two years now. Our relationship got off to a rough start, filled with mistakes and miscommunication on both ends, but we finally realized that we were seriously interested in each other. At least, that’s what I thought anyway. I discovered that he had been carrying on an online “sex role-playing game” with someone. He had been doing this before he and I met, and, when I found out and confronted him, he said that he had thought of it like porn, but understood it was different and wouldn’t do it again. However, a few months later, I found out that he had been lying to me and had continued the relationship. Confronting him about it, yet again, he admitted it and apologized. I was about to leave him, but he made a grand gesture of taking me up to his father’s grave and telling me that he was going to be the sort of person that his father could be proud of, so I decided to give him another chance. He then showed me that he messaged the girl and told her that they couldn’t chat anymore and he promised to not sign on to a website that is notorious for putting people together like that. Since then, we’ve spent another year together, working things out and both being dedicated to our relationship.
But here’s where I am so confused: I started getting a nagging feeling that he wasn’t telling me something, so I did some searching and found that he had last logged onto the sex site “a week ago,” while I had been on vacation. I casually mentioned it and he denied that he had signed on. But I couldn’t let it go. I didn’t say anything else to him, but I started doing some more nosing around, and the girl that he had participated in his online relationship with also had a profile on that website, which she regularly uses. On the “Most Recent Visitors” section of her profile, his was listed as being one of the last ten. I can’t actually prove that he did visit that website or her profile, but it’s very suspicious. I’m not sure why I’m having such a difficult time with this.
Part of me says to leave and that I deserve better, but another part of me really loves him, despite all of this, and doesn’t seem quite ready to let go. We do get along so well together and, when things are going well with us, then they are great! But I don’t feel like I can keep overlooking this, even though it is only circumstantial. What do you think? — Glutton for Punishment and Heartbreak
See advice above!
I am a 23-year-old college student about to graduate. I’ve been close friends with “Maggie” since high school and we both went to the same college and were roomies last year. She graduated last semester and moved to a less-than desirable town in our state because that’s where her boyfriend lives and works. It seems like she’s kind of lonely there, and lately she has been saying things like, “You should totally move to ‘G-town'” and “We could live together like old times!” I’ve usually responded by saying, “We will see!” and “Yeah, it’d be so fun to live together!” The truth is that it’s the last place I’d want to move to, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I also don’t want to get her hopes up either. She’s VERY sensitive to words, and takes almost everything personally. She is also very persistent and, even if I say no the first time, she will continue to the point of begging even after I pull every single excuse out of the bag. The last time I was completely honest with her, she literally didn’t talk to me for weeks. She is really one of my best friends so that I don’t want to stir things up with her, but I hate beating around the bush so much. If you have any communication tips, please advise!! — No Thanks to G-town
How about the next time she suggests you move to “G-town,” you say, “Gosh, it really would be so fun to live in the same town as you again, but G-town just isn’t calling my name, no matter how tempting it is to be close to you. But I can’t wait for you to come visit me wherever I end up. We can do girls weekends and it will be just like old times!”
(It’s been a slow week for letters, so I dug into my in-box for these three. I’d already answered the LWs privately, and I don’t believe I ever published any of these, but my apologies in advance if I’m wrong about that.)
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org and be sure to follow me on Twitter and ‘like’ me on Facebook.