When we got back, we kept seeing each other, but he hasn’t seemed all that interested in getting to know me. Our conversation revolves around flirting and sex. I’ve tried to steer it otherwise, but it’s very hard when he doesn’t seem too invested.
Then he tells me his live-in ex of over a year cheated on him with a married man. I’ve also been cheated on by my ex, so I know how devastatingly hard it can be to overcome. But he says he thinks he has a fear of relationships now. And that brought a red flag to mind of “commitment phobe!” I’m hoping to God not, but, after observing how he is with me, I’m worried he might be. He’s going away for work in a week and will be gone for a few weeks or so; I’m worried I’m going to get hurt again. He knows I like him, but he never compliments me unless it’s in a sexual way. And whenever I’ve been worried and tried confronting him, he becomes all ambiguous or tries to avoid it by saying we’ll talk more later and “we only just met” which, ok, maybe, but a lot has happened (i.e., I slept with him too soon, which I regret but have been trying to turn around by not sleeping with him so much, trying to go out during daytime, not go to his place, etc.).
Please help! What do I do to get him to see me in a different light? Aside from not knowing if he really wants to be with me or just wants a mistress, it’s the best relationship of my life! And I feel like we could be really good together if only he wasn’t afraid to open up. It’s driving me nuts to say the least! — Different Light Needed
Oh, honey. No. Unless this is the ONLY relationship you’ve ever had, or every other guy you’ve been with was actually a dog, like literally, I don’t see how this could possibly be “the best relationship” of your life. You said yourself he doesn’t seem interested in getting to know you. Isn’t that… you know, sort of essential in a good relationship? Also, it’s been two weeks. I mean, no shit he’s not ready for a relationship. It’s been two weeks!
But, look, I don’t want to get your hopes up. This isn’t about timing. This is about a 40-year-old guy preying on a naive, inexperienced 25-year-old young woman. He doesn’t want a relationship with you. He just wants to have sex with you and maybe hang out a little bit. This isn’t about him being cheated on before or him being a commitment-phobe or you sleeping with him “too soon.” None of that matters. It’s irrelevant because…he just doesn’t care that much about you. I’m sorry.
Take a lesson from this two-week relationship: When a guy tells you he has a “fear of relationships,” that’s code for he “just wants to bang you without any strings attached.”
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].