Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“He Says I Have a Body Like His Sister’s”

My boyfriend and I have had an on-and-off relationship but now we’ve been together for over a year. When we first met he said I kind of looked like his sister the way my body type is. He always used to party with both of his sisters. It was like he wanted to show them off or something. One time he was talking about how big one sister’s boobs are. It really grossed me out. His sisters always date his friends too. Always. It’s weird.

After we had been together for a long time, he randomly, for absolutely no reason, woke up and answered the phone when I called and just said her name. That’s how he answered. I just don’t like the whole idea of having a body like his sister. Why is he with me? That’s very creepy to me. Also, I’m not pretty at all. But his sisters are. I look like an old ogre compared to them. Except for my body, apparently.

Do you think my boyfriend has some kind of weird past relationship with his sisters? Does he secretly want them? That’s really what it seems like. — Jealous of His Sisters

Your letter reminds me of this one that I answered last year from a 23-year-old woman who was weirded out by her boyfriend’s very “close” relationship with his sister. He had a pet name for her — the same he had for the LW — and when they were together, he was super touchy-feely with his sister. I couldn’t tell the LW whether there was reason to worry about some sort of incestuous relationship — or secret desire her boyfriend may have for his sister — any more than I can tell you whether your boyfriend has ever gotten nasty with his siblings (God, gross). But what I can say — what I said to the other LW — is this: If you feel uncomfortable with the way your boyfriend interacts with his sisters and the comparisons he makes between you and them, you need to express that discomfort. You can’t control his behavior and you certainly can’t control his feelings, but you have every right to tell him when he says and does things you’re uncomfortable with. And if he isn’t able to adjust his behavior or calm your fears in a way that makes you feel better, you have issues that may be beyond repair.

Another thing you and the previous LW have in common is a fragile self-esteem. She worried about the potential of developing an eating disorder in an effort to maintain a thin frame similar to her boyfriend’s sister. You liken yourself to an “ogre” when compared to your boyfriend’s sisters. This isn’t healthy and has far more to do with YOU than any relationship, creepy or not, that your boyfriend has with members of his family. Until you address your own self-esteem issues, you’re going to have a very difficult time having happy, successful relationships, no matter whom they’re with. How can you address your self-esteem? Get counseling, journal, exercise regularly, vent with friends, start an on-going list of all the things you’re good at and add to it every day, ask loved ones what your best features are and learn to play those up. Ask your boyfriend what it is he loves about you. If he says he loves you because you remind him of his sisters, run, run, run away and never look back.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

133 comments… add one
  • Budj

    budj May 3, 2012, 9:02 am

    Wendy nailed it.

    Can I be friends with your bf?

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    • avatar

      katiebird May 3, 2012, 9:04 am

      Chinese Proverb:
      He who has hot sisters will always have many friends. 😉

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      • Budj

        budj May 3, 2012, 9:06 am

        Especially if they are consistently known to date said friends 😉

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  • avatar

    Anna May 3, 2012, 9:07 am

    Ew, that’s creepy. *shudder*

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    • katie

      katie May 3, 2012, 9:11 am

      thats totally what i thought to!

      no advice, no idea what the LW should do. just- wow. thats a whole lotta gross issues.

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      • avatar

        Anna May 3, 2012, 11:20 am

        Yeah, as far as advice goes…I’ve got nothing. Date someone who’s not creepy?

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      • katie

        katie May 3, 2012, 1:03 pm

        pretty straight forward. i like it. lol

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray May 3, 2012, 9:08 am

    God, Wendy, you’re good at this. Were you always this way or do you try really hard to be so insightful and cut to the core of the problem?

    This letter and Wendy’s response was particularly good for me … because Budj constantly likens me to his super hot sister – constantly showering me with praise and sometimes just showering me – and, frankly, it’s creepy.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray May 3, 2012, 9:10 am

      Also, just based on the facts of this letter, the situation doesn’t sound creepy like that *other* situation — by the way, I want an update on that one! — but what I think about those facts as presented isn’t the point. The point is what Wendy said – if you’re feeling uncomfortable, you need to express that to your BF.

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      • avatar

        camille905 May 3, 2012, 9:21 am

        Yeah I’d love an update on that other one too!

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      • JK

        JK May 3, 2012, 9:24 am

        Wasn´t there one? I seem to remember something…

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    • Budj

      budj May 3, 2012, 10:42 am

      It puts the lotion on its skin….or else it gets the hose again….

      I just want to skin you so I can wear your skin and pretend to be my sister…

      I don’t have a sister, btw.

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      • avatar

        MsMisery May 3, 2012, 12:58 pm

        Would you f*** me? I’d f*** me. And I’d f*** my sister.

        >_<

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      • Budj

        Budj May 3, 2012, 1:01 pm

        goooood byyye hoooooorseees.

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  • avatar

    ReginaRey May 3, 2012, 9:09 am

    LW — A boyfriend who creeps you out is not a boyfriend worth having. So is a boyfriend who makes you feel, inadvertently, like an “ogre.” No woman deserves to feel like Shrek, for God’s sake!

    As long as you’re with this guy, LW, your self-esteem isn’t going to be buoyed or helped all that much. I think you could very much use some time alone, and in counseling, to build up your confidence and realize that the right guy for you is one who makes you feel beautiful (even during the times when you doubt it, yourself).

    Did anyone else’s mind immediately jump to Game of Thrones? Dont’ lie to me, Budj…I know you were thinking it.

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    • avatar

      Ladybug May 3, 2012, 9:19 am

      That’s where my mind went! LW, if your bf’s name is Jaime, RUN!

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster May 3, 2012, 10:35 am

        ME TOO. I actually decided to comment just so I could bring up GoT. First the Lannisters, then Yara Greyjoy let her brother get all handsy with her before he realized she was the sister he hadn’t seen in years. Blech. I love the show, but it is seriously gross at times.

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster May 3, 2012, 10:36 am

        Oh and let’s not forget that Cersei is banging her cousin now instead of her brother. Ewww. She’s a hot queen, can’t she find a dude who’s NOT related to her?!

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      • Budj

        budj May 3, 2012, 10:45 am

        She likes banging relatives because they remind her of herself….she is one messed up lady.

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      • avatar

        Caris May 3, 2012, 11:10 pm

        It was worse in the books 😀

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    • avatar

      Matthew May 3, 2012, 9:23 am

      Woah, Woah, Woah! What’s wrong with feeling like Shrek!? He’s the hero who gets the girl! 🙂

      Ack.. must stop reading now.. No GoT spoilers for me, I’m planning on starting the books this summer.

      As to the letter, this doesn’t sound creepy in the same way the other letter that Wendy links to. But seriously, if someone is making you uncomfortable, you have to discuss it with them. Their reaction to your expression of discomfort probably tells you everything you need to know about them as a person.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 3, 2012, 11:40 am

        I’m glad SOMEONE stook up for Shrek. Come on people.

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    • avatar

      tbrucemom May 3, 2012, 9:43 am

      The LW said she felt like an “ogre” compared to his sisters, the letter didn’t give any indication that the BF said that or did anything to make her feel that way. Lots of people have the same body type, there’s only so many of them. I think the issue here is the LW’s self esteem. Her BF obviously likes/loves her or he wouldn’t be with her. I had an ex-BF that was very close to his sister, closer than I’d ever seen a brother-sister relationship but I never thought “incest”. If she thinks it’ll make her feel better she should talk to him, but I’m not sure what she expects him to do. I’m sure he’d be offended if she implied there was something sexual going on between them. She may want to just MOA because I honestly think the problem is hers or the alternative if there is something weird going on she wouldn’t want to be involved with that. I would suggest counseling for her low self esteem whatever she decides to do.

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      • avatar

        ReginaRey May 3, 2012, 10:11 am

        I didn’t mean to imply that the boyfriend purposefully MADE her feel like an “ogre.” It’s just that, inadvertently, being around him and his sisters seems to make her FEEL like one. And when you’re around people who, for whatever reason, are having such a negative impact on your self-esteem, there seems to be little point to continue being around them. I do agree, though, that her issue is her own, and that her low self-esteem will follow her wherever she goes. But I still think she might be better off away from these kind of…triggers, so to speak.

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      • avatar

        cporoski May 3, 2012, 11:01 am

        Regina:

        i don’t mean to sound negative when I say this, but this implies that the best course of action is to avoid pretty people.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 3, 2012, 11:42 am

        I only hang out with ugly people. My self-esteem in through the roof now. I love overhearing people refer to me as “the hot one.” Highly recommend it. 😉

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray May 3, 2012, 2:11 pm

        Well then we can’t be friends because I do the same thing. Except for no I don’t. I hang out with MaterialsGirl – hubba hubba she’s a beauty!

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      • MaterialsGirl

        MaterialsGirl May 3, 2012, 3:11 pm

        You know I live with my brother and he’s dating a good friend of mine from college….

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray May 3, 2012, 3:25 pm

        CREEPY! I bet he talks about you to his girlfriend, and makes comparisons… Shit, think this LW is your friend?!

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      • MaterialsGirl

        MaterialsGirl May 3, 2012, 3:36 pm

        Bahahahahahahaha.

        Hmmmmm

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      • avatar

        rachel May 3, 2012, 11:56 am

        Hahaha, I don’t think she meant that. But the guy is like flaunting his sisters around town.

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      • avatar

        cporoski May 3, 2012, 12:06 pm

        or he just happens to hang out with his sisters. How does one flaunt them? Does he just happen to be confident when he is near them?

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      • avatar

        rachel May 3, 2012, 12:11 pm

        That’s a fair point. It’s pretty easy to see this being colored completely by the LW’s insecurities.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 3, 2012, 12:20 pm

        I kind of agree. If he isn’t literally saying or doing anything to give her a negative view of herself, if just being around him or his sisters makes her have bad self esteem, that’s her deal not his.

        Sure, she could breakup with him, but maybe the next boyfriend will have a pretty ex he’s still friends with. Or a pretty female BFF.

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      • katie

        katie May 3, 2012, 12:56 pm

        does that actually happen? like in real life? i see cute little things to put on desks that have phrases on them that imply that… but i havent ever met anyone who did it- or atleast that i knew of, i guess.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 3, 2012, 1:04 pm

        Yeah, I don’t see how the guy is doing anything to make her feel like an ogre. If anything, this letter is a text book example of why men shouldn’t date insecure women.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 3, 2012, 1:11 pm

        Well, he may have no idea she’s so insecure. Some people easily project their insecurities, others don’t.

        And to be fair, even when its written all over a girl’s face how fragile her self-esteem is, some dudes don’t pick up on it. Seen it often.

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    • Budj

      budj May 3, 2012, 10:44 am

      Cersei has way more to do with it than Jaime, haha, you may actually start to like Jaime later in the story 😉

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      • avatar

        TheGirl May 3, 2012, 12:24 pm

        Yeah, from what I’ve seen so far, I think Cersei is the one seducing her brother & cousin. Plus, she’s clearly a TERRIBLE mother.

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      • avatar

        Samantha May 3, 2012, 12:30 pm

        But both of them spawned Joffrey… (shudders)

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      • Budj

        Budj May 3, 2012, 12:49 pm

        and Tommen! Who could hate a boy that names a cat Ser Pounce…obviously not a mean bone in his body.

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      • avatar

        Caris May 3, 2012, 11:13 pm

        Dont spoil it for the ones that didnt read it yet lol ! 😀 And you are right 😉

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  • JK

    JK May 3, 2012, 9:09 am

    I´d be flattered if my husband said I had the same body as his sister. Mind you I could get that type of body, if I spent all day in the gym and visited a plastic surgeon a couple of times a year, as well.

    Seriously? What your BF does sounds a little weird. I´d find it awful if my husband spoke about the size of his sister´s boobs. Or if my brother spoke about mine. Hell, my brother leaves the room when I´m about to breastfeed!!!
    And was that other letter from last year? 2012 is flying by!

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    • rainbow

      rainbow May 3, 2012, 11:23 am

      I used to have a boyfriend who talked about his sisters boobs, and it was totally creepy. He once actually said “I think I’d be gorgeous if I was a woman, I’d probably look like my sister! Really skinny with a round ass and good boobs” It made me vomit in my mouth a little bit.
      Then he spent my birthday dinner crying because he didn’t like her new boyfriend and he didn’t think he’d be nice to her. The night ended with me completely drunk giving him White Jazz as a present for my birthday, a book by James Ellroy where the detective screws his sister. It was a nasty thing to do, but I was sick of it.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest May 3, 2012, 11:42 am

      Reminds me of Jessica Simpson’s dad. Doesn’t he always talk about her body? Creep city.

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      • FireStar

        FireStar May 3, 2012, 12:52 pm

        I was thinking of this – maybe it is just part of their family culture… not that that makes it okay – if it bothers you either say something or step slowly away avoiding all eye contact….

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle May 3, 2012, 9:23 am

    Yeah, I immediately thought of the other letter when I saw this. I was more weirded out by that situation– this LW seems to have less of a basis on which to be insecure.

    I agree with Wendy, however, that she should address it to her bf in some way. His reaction should tell the LW what she needs to know. Depending on how close he is to his sisters (& also how close in age) it’s not THAT weird to mention the size of her boobs, depending on the context? Like, is it more “Nice tits, sis!” or “Hey, Tracy, watch where you’re going with those things!” (Okay, maybe I need better hypothetical scenarios than those, because…ew on both)

    Anyway, I know guys who are close to their sisters without being creepy. Sibling relationships, if you’re not familiar with them, can look weird on the outside. LW, this situation kind of sounds just like run-of-the-mill envy/insecurity. I mean, maybe your boyfriend DOES prefer women with his sisters’ body types, but I don’t think that’s weird in itself? Especially if his sisters are hot, in a typical, widely accepted way.

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  • avatar

    bethany May 3, 2012, 9:26 am

    Yeah, I think what your bf does is a little creepy, too… It reminds me of the Friends episode where the guy from downstairs was waaay too close with his sister… Anyway, the point is, your boyfriend makes you uncomfortable!! That’s awful!! I’m more comfortable around my husbnad than I am any other person… That’s how it’s supposed to be. You’re supposed to feel comfortable, safe and secure with a significant other, and you don’t… Maybe it’s time to MOA.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray May 3, 2012, 9:28 am

      Really? Saying someone looks like his sister isn’t too weird. I mean, so long as he’s not saying “ohhhh, your body is like my sister’s” while he’s humping her passionately, that is. But I guess saying “look like my sister” v. “same body as my sister’s” is different, and the latter is creepier.

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      • avatar

        ReginaRey May 3, 2012, 9:34 am

        But would you really want one of your brothers commenting on the size of your boobs to his girlfriend? I’m pretty sure my brother makes a point to NEVER comment about my boobs. Ever. The only thing he’ll ever do is jokingly poke me in my stomach when I’m sitting down. Ok, asshole, it’s SKIN! Not fat!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray May 3, 2012, 9:41 am

        Oh I forgot that part… That’s weird. For some reason I glanced over the letter and only picked up on the fact that he commented that they look alike and that he hangs out with them and they date his friends – that part sounds… kind of normal.

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      • Brad

        Brad May 3, 2012, 9:43 am

        Haha, is someone being defensive? 😛 Admit it RR, you’re chowing down on cake late at night when you think no one’s watching. It’s OK … I don’t judge…

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      • avatar

        bethany May 3, 2012, 10:00 am

        Yeah, it was more about the boobs, than looking like his sister… I don’t think my brother has EVER talked about my boobs!! Well, maybe when we were teenagers and he was making fun of me for not having any….

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      • KKZ

        KKZ May 3, 2012, 10:57 am

        I recently found out that my little brother is very well-endowed and has a reputation for it among his marching band friends at college.

        It was a weird thing to hear through the grapevine, and weirder to be at a house party of his for new year’s where one of the specialty drinks being served was named in reference to his, um, endowment.

        But I guess what’s even weirder is that I’m sort of…proud? Or at least, happy for him? It’s not the worst thing to be known for…

        That said, I’d never tell any guy their c0ck reminds me of my brother’s. Acknowledging a sibling’s sexual attributes is one thing – I can’t just go around pretending my brother doesn’t have a sex life because I don’t want to think about it – but drawing attention to it, as his sister, would be pretty inappropriate.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ May 3, 2012, 11:00 am

        Except, you know, I totally just did draw attention to it by posting about it in the first place. But it was to make a point! *rationalizing*

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      • avatar

        cporoski May 3, 2012, 5:15 pm

        I think Breasts are totally different. You have to know a guy or a story about a guy to find out about his package. For breasts, they are just there.

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      • avatar

        cporoski May 3, 2012, 11:07 am

        It depends on the boobs. My best friend has G boobs and everyone comments. It isn’t sexual in nature they are just there and get in the way. I have a hunch that he made one offhand comment and she took it to heart.

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      • Brad

        Brad May 3, 2012, 11:58 am

        Dear Lord!! She must have back pain … poor thing. 🙁

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      • avatar

        MissDre May 3, 2012, 12:31 pm

        Back pain and wallet pain. Speaking as a G cup myself, I paid $175 for my last bra 🙁

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      • FireStar

        FireStar May 3, 2012, 12:57 pm

        I feel you Miss Dre….It’s the wallet pain that kills…I won’t say how far in the alphabet I have to go but $230… after you happen to find the magic stores that actually carry your size – just INSANE…

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      • avatar

        MissDre May 3, 2012, 1:01 pm

        Awful isn’t it? I’m totally having breast reduction surgery after I have babies.

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      • avatar

        callmehobo May 3, 2012, 1:06 pm

        I’m a G, too! Have you tried Dillards? They recently started carrying G cup bras (for smaller band sizes) and they run about $70-80

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray May 3, 2012, 2:09 pm

        Man, I am feel in very inadequate. I’d love to have G boobs! I’d stay home and play with them. (I cannot believe I just said that. Except for I can kind of believe it.)

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      • avatar

        cporoski May 3, 2012, 5:15 pm

        I am sure you would get bored with them eventually

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      • dandywarhol

        dandywarhol May 3, 2012, 3:52 pm

        Ewwww just thinking about my stepbrothers talking about my boobs freaks me out!! I usually make it a point to cover up around family…

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 3, 2012, 9:16 pm

        Honestly, we don’t know HOW he said it. We have no context at all. It could’ve have been an offhand comment because she wore a super revealing top or something like that. “Man, did you see Carol tonight, her boobs looked huge!”

        Honestly, I must say that even I have commented on the size of my sister’s breasts at some point — and it in no way is an indicator that I want to sleep with her. I really think this whole letter is all just in the LW’s head. Again, there is NO context for any of this.

        It really just strikes me as the self sabotage of a very insecure mind. NOTHING she says at all makes me think her boyfriend is sexually hung up on his sisters. Far from it. She is looking for competition where none exists…

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      • avatar

        Samantha May 3, 2012, 9:42 pm

        Agreed. Without context, it’s hard to say that he’s a straight-up creep. My sig. o. talked about his sister’s boobs after she got a boob job, mostly because he was freaked out thinking that his little sister felt the need to buy bigger boobs.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 May 3, 2012, 9:51 am

        or if he was like, you and my sister have the same exact areola, and nipple length. Then it would be a little creepy. But really, I would never compare any girlfriend of mine to my sister, that would actually creep me out, and I feel like there would be a bad image in my head, and I would probably dump that girl if her body made me think oh my sisters at all.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray May 3, 2012, 9:53 am

        What if he said “hey, my sister has a nipple hair in the exact same spot as yours!”

        Ok, I’m thoroughly grossed out now, and I want this LW to move on right away. I don’t even want her to express her feelings to her boyfriend – just move on. Faster!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray May 3, 2012, 9:55 am

        LW, why are you STILL with your boyfriend? For the love of humanity, move on, now! I can’t stop picturing him picturing his sisters’ nipples.

        I’m signing off Dear Wendy now and getting back to Fifty Shades. Not to ruin the book, but: Gray just popped her cherry and she had a million orgasms and wasn’t sore at all. I call bullshit. Then again, I’m not reading this for accuracy.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray May 3, 2012, 9:58 am

        And if you want to read that part of the book without the long, dry intro, skip to 21-23 percent of the way of the book. Also, you must must must read this on a Kindle or Nook – do not take the book book out in public.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph May 3, 2012, 10:05 am

        Hah! Whenever I see/hear/read about fictional characters having sex for the first time with no ill effects I get angry and call bullshit to anyone who will listen. Maybe because when I lost my virginity it hurt like hell. And there was DEFINITELY no orgasms.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 May 3, 2012, 9:58 am

        My friend growing up always use to talk about the fact that his girlfriend had lots of nipple hair, and I always wanted to see it, but unfortunately it never happened :o(

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray May 3, 2012, 9:59 am

        I wear mine in french braids.

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      • Brad

        Brad May 3, 2012, 10:10 am

        lol gross addie!

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 May 3, 2012, 10:30 am

        Actually I think if you have that much you need to be making some money!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray May 3, 2012, 3:40 pm

        I did donate my hair to Locks for Love a little over a year ago. But just the hair on my head.

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      • JK

        JK May 3, 2012, 3:41 pm

        That reminded me of when Jenna Maroney donated her hair for merkins.

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      • avatar

        rachel May 3, 2012, 11:59 am

        I wonder how much nipple hair quantifies as “lots”.

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  • avatar

    Tax Geek May 3, 2012, 9:30 am

    >Why is he with me?

    Because you let him? Why are you with him might be a more appropriate question.

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  • avatar

    Flake May 3, 2012, 9:34 am

    Are you the only woman in the world with the same type of body as his sisters? If not, then I wouldn’t worry too much about that particular part.

    The self esteem-part, that’s a different story.. I generally agree with RR, that unless your BF starts showering you with complements, and starts to completely ignore his sisters, this relationship will probably not survive.

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  • IDreamofElectricSheep

    IDreamofElectricSheep May 3, 2012, 9:36 am

    I think Wendy’s answer is right on! There may or may not be an inappropriate relationship between your bf and his sisters or incestuous feelings he may have. I believe some families just have very odd, complicated, over-close ties between the members (think Jessica Simpson/father, Miley Cyrus/father, Marie & Donnie Osmond, communes, cults…ha, I like how I just lumped in cults with those examples). Some families/siblings just have a very intense, close-knit dynamic that expresses itself in different ways (overly controlling/involved/protective/possessive/etc.).

    That being said, the important thing is that it creeps YOU out and you have to decide if it is to the extent that would make you want to leave, with or without any changes he may make to his behavior. I would also follow the general advice of building your self-esteem since this will help you in the long run anyway, in this relationship and beyond. Good luck!!

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    • avatar

      AnotherWendy May 3, 2012, 12:11 pm

      Let’s add the Kardashian Klan to that list of over-close ties among family members.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 May 3, 2012, 9:55 am

    I agree with everything Wendy says LW, the only thing I can say on top of that is that just because you look different from your BF’s sisters doesn’t mean you look like an ogre compared to them, your just attractive in a different way, just like the way my finacee thinks that gross ass dude Robert Pattinson is attractive, but also thinks I’m attractive, and there is not one thing about us that you could say is similar.

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    • JK

      JK May 3, 2012, 9:57 am

      Do you not sparkle then, Bagge? 🙂

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 May 3, 2012, 10:34 am

        Only when my nieces feel the need to dress me up, and put makeup on me! Oh and Superman, and Blade would kick the shit out of him, and the werewolfs from Underworld keep the the werewolfs from Twilight as pets to cuddle with!

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      • Brad

        Brad May 3, 2012, 10:59 am

        Stop being mean bagge or you’ll make the twilight vampire’s mascara run!

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    • Brad

      Brad May 3, 2012, 10:11 am

      Agreed. That guy needs to eat something.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 May 3, 2012, 10:37 am

        Besides Kristen Stewart, she clearly isn’t providing him with the nutriants he needs.

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      • rainbow

        rainbow May 3, 2012, 12:50 pm

        And maybe a scar across his face, a robot hand, and a pound of dirt smeared all over. And some fake sweat, since I get the feeling his doesn’t smell manly enough.

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      • avatar

        iseeshiny May 3, 2012, 12:56 pm

        Didn’t you hear? Edward smells like flowers.

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    • avatar

      Caris May 3, 2012, 11:21 pm

      he is so damn ugly -_- and he looks drunk all the time!

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  • avatar

    Desiree May 3, 2012, 10:03 am

    I agree–this story doesn’t creep me out as much as the other one. I would like to point out to the LW that if the boyfriend truly “secretly wanted his sisters,” then he probably *wouldn’t* let his friends date them. He would probably act more possessively.

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    • Budj

      budj May 3, 2012, 10:47 am

      this.

      I wonder how much of this is the LW building this up in her head because she thinks the sisters are much more attractive than her….if he makes the comments while they are banging, that is weird, if it is while they are just talking or hanging out somewhere then I’m not sure it is very creepy.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle May 3, 2012, 11:20 am

        Yeah, that’s what it seems like to me– she’s taking any comment or slight “weirdness” & blowing it up because of her own insecurities.

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  • avatar

    MissDre May 3, 2012, 9:17 am

    I recommend the Everything Self Esteem Book:

    Reply Link
    • theattack

      theattack May 3, 2012, 11:05 am

      I’ve been looking for some books to help me start loving myself and stop being so damn critical. Thanks for posting this, even if it wasn’t for me!

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      • avatar

        MissDre May 3, 2012, 12:30 pm

        It’s a great book! You don’t have to sit through boring psychological gibberish and wonder how the hell it applies to you. It’s straight forward with a relaxed tone and has lots of great exercises to work on.

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    • dandywarhol

      dandywarhol May 3, 2012, 12:53 pm

      Oooh thanks for this!! I am having lots of problems With my low self-esteem lately.perfect timing!

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest May 3, 2012, 12:57 pm

      All 3 of you guys all seem pretty awesome to me. Just sayin’

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      • dandywarhol

        dandywarhol May 3, 2012, 1:11 pm

        Awww thanks lbh 🙂

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  • avatar

    cporoski May 3, 2012, 11:24 am

    OK, LW, I have something to admit. My Husband and brother look alike. Everyone says they look like the brothers. It is to the point that my cousin that I hadn’t seen in 5 years, walked in and confused my husband for my brother. This happens alot to people and it isn’t that big of a deal. The reason why you choose a mate is you are comfortable with what you know. I know there are exceptions but most people are attracted to people with similar upbringings, religions, ect. He obviously loves his family and that is telling of a good man.

    I think you are sabatoging your own happiness.

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    • avatar

      ktfran May 3, 2012, 12:34 pm

      Thank you for saying this cporoski. I didn’t know how to put it in words, but I agree with you.

      The one thing that bothers me is the boyfriend’s boob comment. That’s a little weird, but I also know there are families a lot more open about sexuality than others. His may be one of them.

      LW – maybe you and this guy aren’t a good fit? And that’s ok. But it’s better to recognize it now than later when more time and feelings are invested.

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      • avatar

        cporoski May 3, 2012, 1:40 pm

        I said it up top too. Sometimes, there are comments that people make off the cuff. For example, my boobs are so big that crumbs can accumulated on my boobs and not roll down to my stomach. we call it the boob shelf and my family will say “Clear the shelf.” They are talking about how big my boobs are but not sexually, ya know.

        The boyfriend isn’t saying he wants to motorboat them he just commented that they are big. Again, when you have big tatas, everyone comments, they can’t help it.

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      • avatar

        BettyBoop May 3, 2012, 6:47 pm

        The same is true when you have a big ol’ booty! It’s a running joke with my dad that he has no ass because it donated it all to mine. Mildly dirty jokes but never, ever sexual.

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      • avatar

        cporoski May 4, 2012, 8:59 am

        That is what I am saying. I feel like there are certain things you just notice. Like, do you think Cindy Crawfords brother isn’t aware that his sister is beautiful? It doesn’t mean he wants to bang her but I am sure he notices.

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    • avatar

      demoiselle May 5, 2012, 11:40 am

      This is a good point. People are often (but certainly not always) attracted to people who remind them of other people they love. My background is Scottish/super-pale and blue-eyed, and my father’s side of the family is full-lipped. If I look back at people I’ve been attracted to, many of them have had similar builds (slim/slight) and coloring (super pale) and mouths and even jawlines to members in my family. My husband looks like he could be my brother, even though he’s from a completely different ethnic/regional background. My family has a lot of red-heads and brunettes, and though my husband has dark brown hair, his grandfather was a redhead, like my mother, grandmothers, and aunts.

      I think this isn’t a sign of something sick, it’s often just a quirk of psychology. Some people really are drawn to a certain type. Some people are drawn to their opposites.

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  • Lili

    Lili May 3, 2012, 12:34 pm

    Oh Man, DW just seems to always know what I need. I needed t his letter and the ensuing comments SO BAD. So, my story is that I’m sorta kinda grossed out by a few things that just randomly came together. Luckily, this is about the ex and not a current man. This weekend while talking about porn preferences of our exes with the girls, I remembered what really icked me out when I browser history snooped on my ex’s porn habits-for full disclosure my intention wasn’t to snoop and get mad at him,but more like try to figure out what he was in to since he wasn’t very communicative about likes and dislikes t here, so naive little lili thought his porn history would give me clues like, did he like only lady porn, anal, threesomes and so on-I was sufficiently grossed out to find that his history showed a lot of ‘teen sister’ sex videos. Like, I’m sure it was ADULT and not child (that would have been a MOA thing for sure) but still, I was grossed out. Luckily he is an only child, so no real concern for a sister there. But I was always curious what exactly that porn is. Like the actors aren’t pretending to be siblings are they? Because ICK ICK ICK. Or does he just like the actresses to look like 12 year old boys body wise? I had so many questions.

    Anyways the reason this is apt for me currently is that a few of my friends independent of this porn habit info have noted that my ex’s new gal looks like his sister. She isn’t of course, but still they look REALLY ALIKE. Like scarily creepy alike. I chalked it up to his mommy issues but now that i’ve remembered the porn preferences I am sufficiently grossed out all over again.

    Thanks for letting me get that off my ( ample and not a 12 yr old boy size) chest!

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle May 3, 2012, 12:54 pm

      Replying just to say that a person’s porn-viewing habits doesn’t necessarily always jive with their real-life desires (so you know, if this happens to you again with another dude, don’t panic right away!) Fantasies are complicated sometimes, & some people like applying fantasies to their sex life– while others like to keep it as a fantasy.

      Also, sometimes people look at weird shit for giggles. If someone likes to mass-download porn or has a lot of time on their hands, it’s easy to get into a WTF spiral of looking at stuff that horror/fascinates you.

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      • Brad

        Brad May 3, 2012, 1:25 pm

        Very true. I think everyone has seen, or regularly watches, some type of porn that they would be embarrassed to admit to. Doesn’t mean that they want to try it out in real life.

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    • avatar

      ele4phant May 3, 2012, 12:59 pm

      So I don’t mean this as a personal attack, but I can tell why your ex was evasive about his porn habits. I mean, how would you have reacted if he had told you “The idea of brother-sister sex kind of does it for me.”? Not well, I assume (and I’d be icked out too, don’t get me wrong).

      There’s something about the taboo, like sex with a teenager or incest, that can make some people hot, but it doesn’t mean they actually WANT to do that. For some reason deep in our primal brains, that complete disregard for social norms does something. It doesn’t mean if he had an actual sister he’d want to bang her, or that he wants to go to the local high school and pick up a schoolgirl. It could be just a release, a fantasy, a kink that even he doesn’t understand. And we all have some of those, from one degree or another. But the whole social unacceptableness that makes it hot is, well unacceptable, so sharing it is going to get him in needless trouble. Hence the hiding.

      I guess the end lesson is, if the information isn’t being readily shared with you and you aren’t prepared for what you might find, no snooping.

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      • Lili

        Lili May 3, 2012, 1:08 pm

        Good Point about the taboos. I hadn’t really thought of that but I do remember Dan Savage talking about that, the thrill of the kink is the disregard for social norms. Oh an yeah, no more snooping FOR SURE. That relationship was a mess of issues and I’m even embarrassed to admit that I had to porn snoop to find out things about positions and role playing because of how inexperienced we both were and how hard it was to talk about sex stuff given our repressed backgrounds. No more snooping with the next guy. Just open honest communication. From Day One!

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    • Budj

      Budj May 3, 2012, 1:02 pm

      Are you sure it wasn’t two sisters banging one dude? That is pretty common in porn.

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      • Lili

        Lili May 3, 2012, 1:05 pm

        Like as a threesome? Thats still like Ew incest in my book.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 May 3, 2012, 1:18 pm

        Incest for the two sisters if they were doing anything to each other. A pretty common one is for it to be twins too. I remember when I was in highschool I was at a friends house, and we went through his dads porn collection, and he had a playboy tape that was dedicated to sisters and twins, and it was basically a whole tape of sisters and twins making out with each other, and pretending to do other things since it was playboy, and they didn’t show penetration.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 May 3, 2012, 1:20 pm

        I was also confused, because in the story you said he was an only child, and then you said his new girlfriend looks like his sister.

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      • Lili

        Lili May 3, 2012, 1:27 pm

        Oh, I just meant that she looks like him. So like if he HAD a sister, she’d most likely look like the new gal. Does that make sense? Sorry I’m kinda still recoiling thinking of the teen sister porn genre.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 May 3, 2012, 1:32 pm

        Ah so his new gal looks like him! That’s nothing to worry about, people find themselves attractive so I assume they would find somebody who looks like them attractive too. I wouldn’t have been worried about his porn habbits unless you actually saw him watching porn with underage children in it.

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      • Lili

        Lili May 3, 2012, 1:39 pm

        OOo that makes a lot of sense! Personally though I’m more attracted to men who DON’T look like me. And I think I’m pretty, but maybe I think more on a primal level so I’m hoping for the most diverse genes for my kids.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 3, 2012, 1:56 pm

        Haha, yeah. Almost more narcissistic than incestuous, I think.

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  • avatar

    evanscr05 May 3, 2012, 12:44 pm

    This is very simple. You tell him how you feel.

    If you have not told him, then you need to tell him, and pronto. He is probably completely unaware of how you feel or the impression he is giving. He deserves to have all the information and an opportunity to correct your impression of him. If he doesn’t correct himself, then, well, see below.

    If you have already told him, and he continues to make comments that he is well aware make you uncomfortable, then he’s a jerk and stop dating him immediately.

    That’s really all there is to it.

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    • avatar

      oldie May 3, 2012, 2:06 pm

      This is the preserve the relationship, despite what you know, way of looking at this. This allows him to change what he says, without changing what he thinks or altering his relationship with his sister. In other words, it prolongs a bad situation. I think it is more realistic to take this as an opportunity for LW to assess what he has told her about himself and what she has observed about him and his sisters. From the letter, she has done this and her visceral reaction is yuck! Why try to work around that and make a go of relationship. The guy is icky. MOA and find somebody else.

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      • avatar

        evanscr05 May 3, 2012, 2:28 pm

        I didn’t read anything in the letter that indicated she had brought this up to him. If she had, I would have different advice (although, I actually went ahead and gave that advice anyway). I, personally, think he’s quite icky, myself, but it seems to me that she deserves to give him the opportunity to correct this odd behavior. Perhaps he has never known a healthy way of viewing his relationships with siblings, and if that’s the case, she has a great opportunity to provide a “teachable moment”, as they say, and allow him to see his interactions and commentary through the lens of another female. Even if she walks away from him, she should at least let him in on how that made her feel, and perhaps he’ll know better the next time around.

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      • avatar

        oldie May 3, 2012, 5:56 pm

        I didn’t read that she asked him about it either. My point is that he has already said quite enough to reveal himself. The ick is there in full measure and it doesn’t make sense to discuss it and say ‘can you please not say or do that anymore’. It is like child porn — it can be hidden for awhile, but it’s still there and once she is truly landed and committed it will rear its ugly head again. Just move on. Not her responsibility to fix him. Likely not fixable.

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  • avatar

    AKchic May 3, 2012, 12:45 pm

    There is nothing wrong with looking like an ogre, or looking like Shrek. Ogres are determined creatures. And Shrek and Fiona aren’t necessarily bad-looking. Fiona was a strong, independent and CAPABLE creature who found her happily ever after with Shrek. Shrek, while grumpy, was able to somewhat change his attitude once he realized he had worth, and found his self-worth in the process.

    Find your sel-worth. If this guy can’t stop comparing you to his sisters and making you feel uncomfortable and BAD about yourself – walk the fuck away. There will be other guys. Trust me. A guy should never be making you feel bad about yourself, or comparing you to his sisters.

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    • dandywarhol

      dandywarhol May 3, 2012, 1:01 pm

      Plus ogres have many layers…like an onion or a cake!

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 May 3, 2012, 1:13 pm

        Like an onion? They stink and make you cry hahaha I love that part of the movie.

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  • dandywarhol

    dandywarhol May 3, 2012, 1:07 pm

    Ick I don’t know how to feel about this. My ex would always comment about how hot his sister was, then would compare me to her. Like she had better hair, etc etc. He turned out to be an abusive jerk though, so not sure if the comparison makes sense here. All I can say, LW, is if it makes you uncomfortable, try and talk to him about it. If he makes a big stink, or doesn’t actually change it, then MOA. Its creepy to outsiders, and it might be totally harmless, but if it bothers you, then figure out why.
    And please don’t compare yourself to his sisters! I’ve had that multiple times before (in relationships I mean). Work on the self-esteem, because most of the time, its all in our heads. I highly doubt you are an ogre! 😉

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  • avatar

    painted_lady May 3, 2012, 5:04 pm

    New rule: Can we all just agree that comparing the people we have sex with to our own family members – or theirs, for that matter – is distasteful? I can’t think of a time where it ever worked out better than not saying anything at all.

    I had an ex who thought it was an endearment to tell me how much I reminded him of his mom. I told him it was creepy, he told me it wasn’t, and then shortly after that we had another difference in opinion about whether or not we were still dating.

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  • Lili

    Lili May 3, 2012, 6:12 pm

    So I just realized in my need to vent, I totally neglected to comment thoroughly-Sorry LW!

    I think that you should MOA, or at least be single for a bit. The aspect of this being on again off again, and the deep insecurities you have aren’t being helped by being in this relationship. If he’s the right guy for you, maybe he can agree to wait but I think you need some serious time alone to find the inner awesomeness that is YOU. So what if he has pretty sisters, it means he has nice genes. They shouldn’t make you feel less than, and I get that this is more about your issues than the sisters looks maybe, buts its really damn hard to work on yourself if there are other distractions like the relationship and reading into his behaviors with his sisters. Who knows, maybe they’re a way different family and talk body stuff all the time. Nothing you wrote above made me think something was up with him and his sisters other than a close(r) than some family with siblings near each other in age who h ang out alot. I hope you stop thinking of yourself as an ogre soon and can find some inner self worth, you are amazing. trust me. Its just hard to know sometimes and doesn’t help if you are constantly comparing yourself to others.

    Best of luck!

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  • landygirl

    landygirl May 3, 2012, 8:11 pm

    On the bright side, at least he didn’t say you looked like his mother too.

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  • avatar

    DMR May 6, 2012, 5:49 am

    It sounds like this guy has a close and loving relationship with his sisters. That’s a good thing! What’s he supposed to do? Pretend they don’t get along any more, when he has grown up his whole life with two sisters as his best friends?

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  • avatar

    DMR May 6, 2012, 5:55 am

    Somebody please explain what this guy did wrong, because the way I read it, he’s done nothing wrong.

    Letter writer, let’s face it. You’ve got NOTHING. There’s no smoking gun here. There’s no evidence that he wants to, or has history of, getting ‘nasty’ with his sisters. Nothing. I’ll say it again…… nothing.

    All I see is a fun, happy, awesome dude, with a great family, who will probably dump you the second he gets a whiff of what you’re thinking about him.

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