Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“He Told His Co-Workers That I’m His Hooker”

Screen Shot 2013-08-11 at 7.04.36 PM

I met this guy off a dating site about two months ago. He’s 25 and I’m 29. Right off the bat, he said he didn’t want anything serious because he travels a lot for work and never knows how long he will be in one place. However, his company is based where I live so he has an apartment by me and said that I could stay there since he is hardly there.

After hanging out with him two days, I asked him to go to Atlanta with me for a job interview. He said yes. We had sex for the first time the second day there, five days after we initially met. His parents got divorced and he barely ever talks to his mom. He says he has only had two girlfriends and has slept with about 25 people. At first, when I asked how many of those 25 he dated he said only the two girlfriends and said one other one was close to dating. He then said maybe a few he dated. He says he always leaves them. He says he HATES labels and doesn’t see the point in calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s just a reason to change a Facebook status, he says. He also doesn’t want to get married or have kids. However, he has slept with women who had kids and the one girlfriend had a kid from someone else and gave birth while they were together. He says pregnant women are not pretty. He says he’s always been a loner and gets along with people older than him. The women he sleeps with have been older than him. Two were former strippers. A few were in troubled relationships or marriages. He also refers to all his guy friends as “buddy” instead of by their names since he says I don’t know them anyway.

He takes his phone EVERYWHERE — bathroom, shower, etc and is always on it. He communicates daily with one of his ex girlfriends and several former sex partners. He says he remains friends with all of them so why not talk to them. I asked if he misses them and his reply was, “Don’t you miss your friends?” I said I do NOT miss the ones I’ve slept with because we are no longer friends and I don’t talk to old sex partners. He is aware that I am jealous and not happy that he still talks to his exes. I feel that’s why he now sometimes tries to hide when he gets a message/text/email and replies by either going to the bathroom or waiting until I leave the room. However, he also does it in front of me, too.

He is still on the dating site we met on and talks to chicks, but I don’t know about what. He says he is not sleeping with anyone else, not seeing anyone else, and has no plans to sleep with anyone else. I asked if we are just friends and he replied: “Is that what you think we are?” and I said no. So I asked if we are dating or just friends, and he replied by shrugging his shoulders.

He was at a job for four weeks and asked me to visit him twice, which I did. He is currently at another job site and is there for about 2 1/2 months. He told me I’m invited to come if I want, and when I asked if HE wanted me to come visit, he said: “I’m not going to tell you what to do. You can come out if you want to.” I told him I want to hear him ask me to visit him because he wants me there, but he wouldn’t. I still went out there. He said I can stay as long as I want, and he does pay for everything while I’m here. I asked if he invites other girls to travel with him and he said no. I asked if he asked them to move with him up here from Maine and Florida and he said no.

We had dinner with his coworkers and boss the other night. He kidded around saying I was a hooker. A while later and after a few drinks, he threw bean bags at my head. I started to cry. It got his coworkers mad and one almost fought him. He told his coworker that that’s just how we play around. Three days later he told me that was his way of letting me know that he is acknowledging my presence and paying attention to me. I told him that was a crappy way. When we play wrestle, he always tosses me to the floor or pushes me off the bed onto the floor. He throws pillows at my head a lot and pokes the sides of my stomach all the time. When I arrived at the hotel he also said, “You are like a lost puppy, following me all over the states.” I said that was crappy to say, too.

He still has naked and graphic pictures and videos of past sex partners. I ask why he still has them and he says he doesn’t delete anything. I know he has sent a few shirtless pictures (hopefully only shirtless) to past sex partners and to at least one girl he is currently talking to from that dating site. He smacks my butt a lot and whips me with a towel. I tell him he leaves marks and that it hurts sometimes.

He never compliments me or says sweet, nice, cute things to me. I’ve told him he is handsome and sexy and I like that shirt on him or what not. A few times he called me “babe,” but it was when we were having sex. He has made complimentary remarks about a past sex partner’s boobs, butt, body, or sex freakness but never about me or my body to my face. He says he doesn’t like PDA, and he doesn’t buy gifts to show affection. He usually always has me decide what we are going to do that day. He says he doesn’t think about the future or where this is heading — he only likes to think about the current moment.

He will text me every morning I am not with him, but he also texts other people every morning, too. He has said that we get along well though, but he must get along well with with everyone since he keeps in contact with them, right? He has met my mom, dad, sister, and brother-in-law. I don’t think he has mentioned me at all to his dad or brother. I did meet a friend of his though. Lastly, if I tag him in a picture or check in on Facebook, it’s hidden so people can’t see.

So what should I do? What advice can anyone give me? How do you perceive him and whatever kind of relationship he and I have? — Lost Puppy Dog

You wrote 1100 words about what a dirtbag this guy is and you want to know what you should DO? You want to know what kind of relationship you have? Honey, you said it in your third sentence: he told you right off the bat that he didn’t want anything serious. Do you not understand what that means? Did you think you could change his mind? Did you think you were somehow different than the other 25 women he’s slept with and that he’d decide to commit to YOU? Well, you aren’t and he hasn’t.

What’s really disturbing about your letter isn’t so much that you can’t seem to understand that you’re nothing more to this guy than a low-maintenance companion and sex partner, but that you would actually want to be with him at all. He told his co-workers you were a hooker! He throws beanbags at you. He’s such a douche to you that his coworkers, whom you’d just met, were willing and eager to fight him on your behalf. Why can’t YOU muster the same disgust for his behavior?

This is not a good man and this is not a relationship that has even a hint of potential for happiness and longevity. You are selling yourself shorter than a slim stack of flapjacks. Foster a higher opinion of yourself and quit pursuing men who treat you like… well, like a hooker. And in the meantime, MOA.

***************

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

109 comments… add one
  • avatar

    cdobbs August 12, 2013, 9:13 am

    most bone-chilling letter i have ever read on dear wendy ever! this guy is a sociopath….next to arial castro this guys is the creepiest guy i have heard about in a long time….LW if you want any advice get the hell away from this guy….yesterday!!!!

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  • LadyinPurpleNotRed

    LadyinPurpleNotRed August 12, 2013, 9:13 am

    It’s too early for this kind of stupidity. If you hate the way he treats you (as you should) then LEAVE HIM ALREADY! Sheesh.

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    • call-me-hobo

      call-me-hobo August 12, 2013, 10:57 am

      D’awww. I love the new icon!

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed August 12, 2013, 11:01 am

        Thank you! That’s my puppy at home WHO I MISS SO MUCH! Is it Thanksgiving yet?
        How’s your sweet girl?

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      • avatar

        KL August 12, 2013, 11:39 am

        Both of your doggie avatars are killing me ded of squee!

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary August 12, 2013, 9:16 am

    omg whatttttt?? This guy is a douche with serious issues. Stop talking to him and AIM HIGHER next time. I don’t want this to sound mean, but I’m embarrassed FOR you because you let yourself be treated like this in private and in public.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest August 12, 2013, 9:29 am

      Right? Imagine sitting at a restaurant and someone throwing a beanbag at your head?! I’d dump a drink on them and leave.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 August 12, 2013, 11:20 am

        Where do you think you get a beanbag from in a restaurant anyways?

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      • avatar

        feelingroovy August 12, 2013, 11:56 am

        That was my biggest question, actually.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom August 12, 2013, 12:04 pm

        Some of the restaurants here, that have patios, have cornhole set up in the summer.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 August 12, 2013, 12:46 pm

        Ah gotcha! That would make sense, they actually have that here too, but I never thought of that!

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      • the_optimist

        the_optimist August 12, 2013, 10:20 am

        I had already stopped reading and formed an opinion by the third sentence, but now I realize I missed all of the interesting stuff. Re-reading now.

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      • Le Pinch

        Le Pinch August 12, 2013, 11:22 am

        Seriously LW, I really hope that you are reading this and that it gives you the virtual kick in the tush to get yourself to some kind of counseling where you can figure out why on earth you’d let this jerk treat you so terribly, especially when he made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t want anything more than a controlling, sexual on his terms only kind of thing going on. Go back and read your letter. Then read it again, and really ask yourself, is this what I really want ? Move on from this asswipe and never look back.

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    • avatar

      Taylor August 12, 2013, 10:10 am

      Yes! This is the ultimate “aim higher” letter. LW, I guarantee you it way way WAY better to be alone, that to have this asshole be the “man” in your life. Run away, as fast as you can.

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  • katie

    Katie August 12, 2013, 9:19 am

    Oh my, George takei style.

    Train wreck, train wreck, train wreck. What is wrong with you, LW?! And I dont mean that in a mean way, but in a how could any creature be so self depreciating -way. How did you get to this point in your life? You need help. You need counseling and some good books and a few small accomishments or SOMETHING to make you feel more worthy of a good life then you feel now. We accept the love that we feel we deserve. Why don’t you think you deserve better?

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  • avatar

    bethany August 12, 2013, 9:21 am

    I read the first paragraph, so I have no idea what you wanted advice on, but I can tell you this much… This guy likes to have girls around when he wants them, and doesn’t want to have a relationship. it’s purely physical for him, and that’s cool, if that’s what he wants. BUT, the fact that you wrote into an advice column about him suggests that you’re interested in more than just a physical realtionship with him.

    You two do not want the same things, and it sounds like he’s not going to change his mind. MOA. Lose this guy’s number. Don’t call, don’t text, don’t answer his calls or texts.

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    • avatar

      bethany August 12, 2013, 9:33 am

      Finished the letter, and I stand by my advice. Why do you want to be with this guy? LW, you have some SERIOUS self exploration to do. Why is it that you would want to be in a relationship with a guy like this? First off, he said he doesn’t want a relationship, he is pretty mean to you, he’s clearly banging other girls while he’s out of state, he’s rude to you, and borderline physically abusive. You really need to do some soul searching and think about why this is acceptable to you. Why you’ve tolerated it for so long, and why you’d go out of your way to keep this “relationship” going.

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    • avatar

      Scooze August 12, 2013, 11:47 am

      I’m guessing if the LW doesn’t make all of the effort to get together, they won’t. If she stops texting him, she’ll never hear from him again. Problem solved.

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  • avatar

    MissyC August 12, 2013, 9:24 am

    It seems like sometimes we see letters from LWs who start off by saying their SO/person they’re dating is so nice, great, etc. …BUT. This LW didn’t even have one nice thing to say about this guy. It’s just been 2 months and at this point the dude seems to have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. MOA! Fast!

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  • avatar

    Painted_lady August 12, 2013, 9:26 am

    I….what?!?!

    Honestly, you might want to check and make sure all 25 of these women are still alive and free to leave his home. He sounds just creepy enough for that to be an issue.

    How are you even comfortable being in a room alone with this guy, much less sleeping with him? Here are things that should eliminate people from getting to be in your life, and most definitely in your bed:

    – people who throw things at you, drunk or sober
    – people who joke around by telling others you’re a prostitute
    – people who call you names for going out of your way to be with them
    – people who don’t care whether they see you or not
    – people who seem to think human relationships exist only for the sale of Facebook
    – people who say they don’t like labels (seriously, don’t even be friends with those people; they’re assholes).
    – people who save naked pictures of other folks they used to have sex with but say they don’t anymore (either they’re lying to you that they’re not still having sex, or they’re lying to the other person that they deleted the pictures)

    This guy is beyond creepy, and you really need counseling to get your head in a place where you can recognize terrible treatment.

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    • avatar

      Painted_lady August 12, 2013, 9:29 am

      *sake of Facebook, not sale.

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    • avatar

      MMcG August 12, 2013, 9:37 am

      I love the list!!

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  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite August 12, 2013, 9:27 am

    Whoa, that dude has a warped view of women. Set better standards for yourself.

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    • avatar

      Sunshine Brite August 12, 2013, 9:49 am

      PS, is it bad I was wondering where he got the beanbag from for far too long?

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary August 12, 2013, 9:53 am

        Maybe they were playing cornhole?

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      • avatar

        rachel August 12, 2013, 10:07 am

        soulmates.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary August 12, 2013, 10:27 am

        I wouldn’t really mind if someone threw a beanbag at me if I knew them well, and it wasn’t in front of their coworkers that I just met. That’s just me though.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl August 12, 2013, 10:36 am

        The way I read it, he was repeatedly throwing them at her head. Surely that would get old for anyone.

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      • avatar

        rachel August 12, 2013, 9:57 am

        Haha, I was wondering too – maybe they were in a sports bar that had corn hole or something? This is the only thing I could think of.

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest August 12, 2013, 9:27 am

    Sounds like kismet to me!

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  • avatar

    MMcG August 12, 2013, 9:27 am

    Holy fucking hell. This woman’s life and self esteem are on fire and shes asking what new types of burn ointments might be available. When a 25 year old man tells you he doesnt want anything serious, combined with the bizarro detached but youre welcome to stay at my crash pad WHEN IM NOT THERE, combined with everything else. Holy move on yesterday and get therapy since you apparently dont have the instincts to tell someone to fuck off when they call you a desperate puppy. FFS

    BGM – I know you’re out there… this one might just prove many of your harsher theories right 🙂

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    • avatar

      MMcG August 12, 2013, 9:29 am

      Oh and brilliant title Wendy! I was completely offended for the LW when I first read it but being called a hooker isnt even in the top 5 of problems in this expanded FWB situation since lets all agree that this is not a relationship…

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle August 12, 2013, 9:28 am

    “How do you perceive him and whatever kind of relationship he and I have?”

    You have a casual sexual relationship with this man. If that’s not okay with you, stop seeing him.

    This isn’t even a situation where he’s acting any differently than he said—- he TOLD YOU HIMSELF that he doesn’t want anything serious. He texts other women in front of you. He won’t even say that he wants you to come see him (even after you beg. Which, stop doing that, seriously.)

    I mean, what kind of relationship do YOU think you have with him? You’re deluding yourself by hanging onto random things like, “Well, he introduced me to one friend” & “He says he doesn’t sleep with anyone else.” So…what? LW, it’s only been 2 months. He’s right that you’re like a lost puppy—why are you investing so much thought into this? Why ARE you following him all over the states? (Is it because you hope that by traveling ~with~ him, he’ll be able to commit?)

    He isn’t going to commit. You were told he wouldn’t commit pretty much immediately, & yet you’re still saying things like “He hasn’t mentioned me to his dad…” That’s because you aren’t worth mentioning. You aren’t his girlfriend. If you want someone to care about you, find somebody else.

    Okay? I’m sorry to be harsh, but that’s my perception of your “relationship” with this man. If none of the above makes you feel good, it’s time to lose this guy.

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    • katie

      Katie August 12, 2013, 9:34 am

      Yes.

      And I’ll add, when we all say things like “aim higher” and “don’t act like a prostitute”, we don’t mean to stop having sex, or stop having casual relationships. If that is what you want, like, and are satisfied with, go for it. But, if that isn’t what you want, like, or are satisfied with, don’t fucking settle for that! And in general, don’t fucking settle for assholes who treat you like dirt. If you like this guy, as a casual sexual thing, and with the behavior he exhibits, then stay. If you don’t like it for whatever reason- LEAVE. You will not (and should not) change people. You have to find someone that is mostly right for you just as they are.

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  • avatar

    SasLinna August 12, 2013, 9:44 am

    I really hope this isn’t for real. If it is, LW, then get the hell away from this guy. He’s an abuser and sounds dangerous. Once you’ve done that, go to therapy.

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    • avatar

      CG August 12, 2013, 10:19 am

      That was my thought too: This just cannot be real. Seriously, who would put up with this? If it *is* real: LW, please get therapy.

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    • Lindsay

      Lindsay August 12, 2013, 7:16 pm

      I thought that, too, but some of it is too weird. Like who would make up that he was throwing bean bags at her?

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  • avatar

    MMcG August 12, 2013, 9:45 am

    In an effort to be constructive instead of just boggled… may I add a recommendation for you LW? Stop being insta-dependent or serious with men you barely know. You met a stranger off a dating site and 2 dates later he accompanied you to a different city for your interview? He travels and has only been around 2 months and yet he’s already met family!?! At this pace you would be married with a child in 6mos (yes I know kids take 9mos… exaggerated to make a point;)) so I suggest you dump this dude. Get some counseling, read a few good books, reconnect with some old friends or make new ones by joining a club… something… because you need to slow down and value yourself more.

    If you know you want marriage, etc fairly soon… then be honest about that with yourself and dont waste your time with guys (cant even call him an asshat really seeing as how hes apparently been 100% upfront with his perspective) who dont share similar goals for their future.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl August 12, 2013, 10:01 am

      Yeah, the asking someone to take a trip with her she’s only known for 2 days…that’s WAY off.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle August 12, 2013, 10:06 am

        That threw me, too. Too much, too soon.

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    • avatar

      bethany August 12, 2013, 10:05 am

      I agree with you, but she can’t really dump a guy she’s not in a relationship with!

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      • avatar

        MMcG August 12, 2013, 10:30 am

        Touché 😉

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    • katie

      Katie August 12, 2013, 11:08 am

      Yep, this is train wrecky from all angles. Yikes.

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl August 12, 2013, 9:51 am

    Oh for fucks sake. Get some self respect.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl August 12, 2013, 10:35 am

      So, I went back and reread this. Honey he’s straight up abusing you. Throwing things at you to the point his coworkers want to fight you, throwing you off of the bed, smacking your butt/whipping you to the point it’s leaving marks? Please RUN, not walk, RUN far far far away from this man. Please get some counseling and/or do some serious research on what a healthy relationship looks like.

      This is not healthy or normal.

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  • avatar

    artsygirl August 12, 2013, 9:51 am

    After three paragraphs I stopped trying to read this letter because I thought my eyes were going to bleed.

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  • avatar

    rachel August 12, 2013, 10:00 am

    What. the. F.

    LW, you don’t have any kind of “relationship” with this guy. HE is having casual sex, and YOU are, for some reason, both convinced it is something more, while accepting that he treats you like shit. I can’t even imagine wanting to have a conversation with this guy, let alone a relationship. Please, get away now.

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  • avatar

    Lily in NYC August 12, 2013, 10:05 am

    What should you do? Seriously, I think you should marry him. He’s definitely a keeper. Are you fucking kidding me? I can’t with this one.

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  • avatar

    trixy minx August 12, 2013, 10:13 am

    I couldn’t read past the first paragraph.. This I’d just sad. Please gain some self respect and lace him asap.

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  • avatar

    Amanda August 12, 2013, 10:18 am

    I’m sorry LW I couldn’t read this whole letter, but clearly it’s a MOA situation. MOA, MOA, MOA! And while you’re MOA, learn to love yourself better than this. I’m really sad for you

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  • avatar

    candyintherain August 12, 2013, 10:21 am

    What the actual fuck. Leave this guy immediately! And don’t you have a job or commitments? How can you keep dropping everything to travel with this guy?? Go home and spend time with people who actually care about you.

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  • Regina Chapman

    Regina Chapman August 12, 2013, 10:25 am

    PLEASE stop acting like a lost puppy dog to this man who has called you ‘a lost puppy dog’ to your face. Please stop rolling over and hoping that he doesn’t walk all over you or kick you in the stomach. This whole letter reads like he has no respect for you, and neither do you.

    PLEASE read your own letter out loud to yourself and write down how you would describe that person. What would you say if it was a friend of yours? You deserve so much more than this.

    PLEASE run for the hills and do some serious soul-searching, away from this person who’s got you on a string and will only put you further and further down.

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  • avatar

    Sophronisba August 12, 2013, 10:27 am

    That whole thing about people telling you who they are? Well, this guy has filibustered on what a scumbag he is – are your ears full of soap that you couldn’t hear what he was saying?
    Run away, this minute!

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  • avatar

    TheGirlinME August 12, 2013, 10:38 am

    First- RUN AWAY!! Second- “haul yo ass to therapy”! Seriously, hon. Not to be harsh, but you need to examine why your sense of self-value seems to be so diminished that you’d subject yourself – even invite this type of treatment.

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  • avatar

    starpattern August 12, 2013, 10:46 am

    Oh, LW. If this is real, please stop validating his disgusting behavior by giving him the time of day. Seriously, the fact that this guy can’t even manage to treat you like a human being is awful. Even the most casual of relationships should require basic respect. Ack!

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  • Diablo

    Diablo August 12, 2013, 10:58 am

    When i think of all the awkward emotionless sex i could have had with women who don’t respect themselves… If only i could have been a self-centered, egomaniacal, misogynistic douchnozzle like this guy. Maybe nice guys really do finish last. Or not.

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  • avatar

    Essie August 12, 2013, 11:02 am

    I can’t……I just can’t.

    I’d say he’s treating you like a hooker, but I kinda think most hookers wouldn’t tolerate being treated that way.

    But clearly, that’s how he thinks of you. Except that he doesn’t pay you. You provide sex when he wants it for free, take his verbal and physical abuse and keep coming back for more. He can call you a w*ore in front of his coworkers and you keep coming back for more.

    “He’s aware that I’m jealous?” You have no right to be jealous. You’re not his girlfriend. You’re his sex buddy. And why would you even WANT to be this guy’s girlfriend? You haven’t mentioned one positive characteristic. Just a very, very long list of reasons why he’s a pathetic excuse for a man and a genuinely horrible person.

    Cut off contact with him, and please, for the love of God, find a good therapist.

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    • AKchic_

      AKchic_ August 12, 2013, 12:45 pm

      Hookers know up front that they are going to be treated like shit, unless they have certain skills in which they can command respect. In which case, they are not just hookers, they are call-girls, ladies of the night, overnight guests, escorts, courtesans, you get the idea. They don’t like being called the low name of “hooker” or even “whore”. Some don’t even like the word “prostitute”.

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  • avatar

    LSMITH82 August 12, 2013, 11:22 am

    I read this letter and I just kept thinking…. oh good Lord… she’s dating the serial killer in American Psycho… except that he’s real, and probably no where near as good looking as Christian Bale…

    Don’t just MOA LW, Run, run far, and get a nationwide restraining order. Am I the only one who thinks that maybe he scares the other women in to constant communication too? Maybe I’ve just seen one to many stalker movies.

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    • avatar

      Em August 12, 2013, 12:27 pm

      Right? I was having the same train of thought.

      Lord almighty, woman, get some self-respect and stop hanging out with this sleaze ball. You didn’t say one good word about this guy in the entire letter, and it’s a pretty long letter. He treats you like shit and he obviously doesn’t have any respect for you whatsoever.

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  • the_optimist

    the_optimist August 12, 2013, 10:24 am

    This letter made me sick to my stomach. This MAN makes me sick to my stomach, and I’ve never even met him. LW, please, please run from this man and get thee to therapy to figure out why you would ever want people like this monster even peripherally acquainted with him.

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  • AKchic_

    AKchic_ August 12, 2013, 10:40 am

    FFS Sweetie, why in the hell are you even wasting your time on this train wreck? He’s not some bad boy you can reform. He’s not some misunderstood, troubled kid you can fix with the power of love. He’s a deeply flawed, deeply WRONG male who isn’t going to respect you, DOESN’T respect you, DOESN’T seem to respect women in general, and will not be a good boyfriend, if you could even pin him down.

    Don’t try to pin him down. And yes, I used “Pin Him Down” twice. Because that’s what you’ll have to do to get a committed relationship. Forceful manipulation in order to get what you want. That’s not a good relationship.

    Walk away dear. Just walk away.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark August 12, 2013, 12:37 pm

    Yawn. Shrug. No comment necessary.

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    • avatar

      Caris August 12, 2013, 12:47 pm

      All I could think about while reading this letter was ” what would BGM say? ” And that’s all you have? I’m a tiny tad disappointed 😛 .

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark August 12, 2013, 12:54 pm

        LW, clearly this person in NOT abusive enough for you… All I could think as I truly. TRIED to make sense of this letter was… “My yes, the herd DOES rather desperately NEED to be properly thinned…”

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      • Diablo

        Diablo August 12, 2013, 1:51 pm

        Thin what herd? This LW is about one update away from turning up pregnant and abandoned, wondering what went wrong. But the herd will continue to regenerate.

        People like you and me are thinning the herd. Commenters, you may now thank BGM and me for not having children.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark August 12, 2013, 2:38 pm

        If you take my comment in the darkest possible way, it should make more sense.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest August 12, 2013, 2:40 pm

        This could really be applied to all of your comments. 🙂

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      • Diablo

        Diablo August 12, 2013, 3:30 pm

        George Carlin used to make lists of types of people we don’t really need on the planet anymore. The problem always was, once you start, where do you stop? I mean, do we really NEED me? Or is it more of a Lecter thing: “The world’s more interesting with you in it, Clarice…”

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      • Diablo

        Diablo August 12, 2013, 3:32 pm

        BTW, for my money we can do without anyone who has a pickup with those fake bull testicles hanging from the trailer hitch. OK, we KNOW, you’re driving a big dick around…. sheesh.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl August 12, 2013, 2:41 pm

        Me too. I have never had a desire to procreate.

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      • AKchic_

        AKchic_ August 12, 2013, 3:52 pm

        And here I am, threatening to just to piss my mother off. Note: I would not have another kid simply to piss my mother off. Telling her I would is the fun part. Actually planning another kid? Not currently.

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  • avatar

    Caris August 12, 2013, 12:43 pm

    I can’t even.

    So, why are you with him?

    – You clearly want a serious relationship. He doesn’t. He told you AND showed you this from the very beginning.
    – He treats you like crap.
    – He called you a hooker and a lost puppy dog (this will sound super mean, but right now, you ARE acting like a lost puppy dog.)
    – He was physically aggressive towards you.

    So I ask you again LW. WHY are you even interested in trying to have something with him? Why haven’t you ran away from this asshole yet? Why would you stay with someone who clearly does not give a shit about you?

    PLEASE, PLEASE, just leave him, don’t ever contact him again and erase him from all your social media. And you might want to go get yourself to a psychologist and figure out why you let people treat you like this. If you don’t love and respect yourself no one else will.

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    • avatar

      Doodles August 12, 2013, 6:08 pm

      This letter reeks of desperation. She is desperate, and it seems like she needs a man to make her feel something of worth. Please.please please seek counseling, please….

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  • landygirl

    landygirl August 12, 2013, 12:49 pm

    Dear LW, take the money that you’re spending on the dating site and put it towards seeing a therapist. You need to figure out why you think you don’t deserve better than this.

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  • avatar

    Nadine August 12, 2013, 1:15 pm

    This is the only letter on DW I have ever not finished because I just I reached the end of what I was willing to subject myself to. I really hope the LW reaches the end of HER rope too, and does a vanish on this guy…. he probably wont notice anyway.

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  • avatar

    j2 August 12, 2013, 1:16 pm

    I couldn’t finish the letter. Just reading the first few paragraphs made me feel so soiled that I wanted to go take a soapy shower.

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  • avatar

    tbrucemom August 12, 2013, 1:30 pm

    I’ll be brief. This letter actually made my head hurt reading it. The guy’s a major douche, dump him. LW – please get some therapy to deal with your obvious self esteem issues.

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster August 12, 2013, 12:34 pm

    This letter is very alarming, LW. As others have pointed out you are clearly dating a misogynistic toolbag. He’s a narcissist at best and a sociopath at worst.

    What worries me the most is the tone of the letter. The fact that you need convincing to walk away from this relationship is frankly frightening. You wrote a novel listing the emotionally and physically (he threw bean bags at you!) abusive things he’s done and coupled them with a few horrifying quotes that reflect his inability to see women as people.

    I have a friend like you. It’s her birthday today, actually. She’s a great friend with a big heart; she’s intelligent and has a rewarding (if tiring) job, and is a very independent person. She also suffers from BPD and has absolutely no ability to assess the character or intentions of others. Her perception meter is broken. It’s wired up wrong. She dates the biggest assholes on the planet and will tell me she loves these creeps while simultaneously detailing some seriously fucked up shit they do and say. My heart breaks for her and my patience often wears thin hearing about these things.

    Girl, your perception meter is broken. That’s the official diagnosis here- read these comments. Really. They can all be summed up in three letters: WTF. Your perception meter needs repairing. And you need to be in a safe place to do that around a solid support system (family, friends). You need therapy. Jesus, nearly all the people who write into DW need therapy, but girl, you REALLY REALLY need it. You need to say to yourself “WTF” and “I refuse to be treated like this” and “This guy is a colossal asshole.”

    So leave him. Leave him right now. Shut your computer and put it in a bag, throw your clothes into a suitcase, walk out the door and go to the airport. Don’t leave a note. Just go home to your family and friends and be around people who love you.

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  • avatar

    stilgar666 August 12, 2013, 1:37 pm

    Wow… This letter makes me feel even worse about being a single male.

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  • avatar

    FormerlyThatGirl August 12, 2013, 1:42 pm

    I feel like so many women spend too much time wondering “Why doesn’t he like me?!?!?” when the man they wring hands over isn’t even likable. Listen, honey. If he wanted to be your boyfriend, he’d say so. But he hasn’t.

    In face, he said the opposite.

    Repeatedly.

    Think about it- you’ve just spent several hundred words convincing us that you literally have only two qualifications in order to find a man to date.

    1) has a penis.
    2) acknowledges my existence.

    Is that the way you want to live?

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  • KKZ

    KKZ August 12, 2013, 2:01 pm

    LW, if there’s something I’ve learned from being in a lopsided relationship, it’s that You can’t just tell him how you’re feeling and what needs to change and just leave it at that. You’ve communicated your jealousy, your relationship goal (something serious), how it feels when he plays too rough, etc.. You’ve spoken up, at least some. He has NOT followed through. And it’s no great mystery why – he doesn’t *care.* He doesn’t have to care. He gets what he wants from you – mostly sex, maybe a little companionship – and he doesn’t have to lift a finger for you. I’d be willing to bet, if you were to stop giving him what he wants and give him the cold shoulder for a while, he wouldn’t be crawling back to you seeking forgiveness, he’d move on to the next stray puppy dog who will chase after his shtick.

    And honey, I can’t let this go: If you stay in this “relationship” you are a gold-digger. Because clearly there is nothing in this for you except the perks of his fly-by-night lifestyle. If that’s what you really want, perks in exchange for sex, go right ahead and be my guest – but don’t LIE about it and pretend you lurrrrrve him and want something serious with him.

    ((Hai guys! Popping in from my online retreat for this quick comment, but still kind of on retreat and trying to stay on track at work so … **quick wave** Buhbye!))

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    • avatar

      MMcG August 12, 2013, 2:47 pm

      Its like KKZ just buzzed the tower 😉
      Be well!!

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      Doodles August 12, 2013, 6:04 pm

      KKZ loving your answer! Much nicer put than what I wanted to say. 🙂

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  • avatar

    Stephanie August 12, 2013, 2:10 pm

    Letters like these are going to make me start drinking in the morning.

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  • avatar

    Lucy August 12, 2013, 2:12 pm

    AYFKMWTS?

    Jesus, LW, get some self-respect. And remember the cardinal rule of all relationships: “When someone shows you who he is, believe him.” This guy has shown you in every possible way that he is using you for sex and that you mean nothing to him. So believe him.

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    • avatar

      rachel August 12, 2013, 2:27 pm

      I’m just excited that I figured out your acronym quickly.

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      • avatar

        Taylor August 12, 2013, 3:30 pm

        Clue me in?

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest August 12, 2013, 3:34 pm

        are you fucking kidding me with this shit

        I didnt’ think it was real until Rachel said she figured it out.

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      • avatar

        Nadine August 12, 2013, 3:35 pm

        Are You Fucking Kidding Me With This Shit?????

        (amirite?)

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster August 12, 2013, 3:06 pm

        Me too. And I love it.

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson August 12, 2013, 2:46 pm

    You guys are perfect for each other. You demand no respect and he doesn’t give respect.

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  • avatar

    AliceInDairyland August 12, 2013, 2:42 pm

    I feel like this is some sort of avant-garde literary piece, stream-of-consciousness style. I did read the whole thing, and with some tweaking I think it could make for a strong short story. LW, please let this be experimental fiction. Flesh it out and we could have ourselves a great novella, Clockwork Orange style. It was that convoluted. It was that depressing.

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    • Northern Mermaid

      Northern Mermaid August 12, 2013, 2:57 pm

      I feel like there is some poetry buried in some of these letters, and we could totally make an advice column poetry book out of this stuff.
      He has made complimentary remarks about
      a past sex partner’s
      boobs,
      butt,
      body,
      or sex freakness
      but never about me
      or my
      body
      to my
      face.

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    • Northern Mermaid

      Northern Mermaid August 12, 2013, 2:59 pm

      I feel like there is some poetry buried in some of these letters, and we could totally make an advice column poetry book out of this stuff.
      “He has made complimentary remarks/about a past sex partner’s/boobs/butt/body/or sex freakness/but never/about me/or my/body/to my/face.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Wendy August 12, 2013, 3:00 pm

        Amazing.

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      • Northern Mermaid

        Northern Mermaid August 12, 2013, 3:24 pm

        Alice-Wendy thinks we’re amazing! My creative writing degree can officially be counted as “useful!” now!

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      • Diablo

        Diablo August 12, 2013, 3:44 pm

        Let’s not forget about Wendy’s hidden poetry. “Slim stack of flapjacks” is a snappy phrase that will fit well with her soon to be released hip-hop debut.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Wendy August 12, 2013, 4:38 pm

        Soon!

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      • avatar

        AliceInDairyland August 12, 2013, 3:24 pm

        THIS IS AWESOME. Thank you.

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  • avatar

    BreezyAM August 12, 2013, 4:44 pm

    This guy must be amazing in bed? Somehow… I’m betting not. 🙁

    Oh LW. I’m sorry.

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  • avatar

    Doodles August 12, 2013, 5:59 pm

    OMG! I thought this was a fake letter. Listen girl, dump his ass, get some counseling, learn to love yourself, and then find someone who is good for you! I just can’t say anything else because it is too mean. I feel sorrow and pity for you.

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  • Lindsay

    Lindsay August 12, 2013, 7:15 pm

    So, everyone else has already said everything that needs to be said, but I have to say it too. This is probably the most distressing letter I’ve ever read on DW. I’m honestly not even sure what you’re asking. I mean, you can’t actually think that you should do anything other than dump him, right?

    What if a daughter or sister or niece came to you and told you they were dating a guy who treated them like this? Would you be OK with that? Because aside from not valuing yourself, you’re also stating that you think it’s OK for a person to treat another person like that, which is a very disturbing opinion to have.

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  • avatar

    Wilma Nelson August 12, 2013, 7:56 pm

    Sounds like a playful robust young man to me. He may be a bit frisky but he also comes with substantial upsides. His informality and open mindedness are big pluses. Put your brand on this critter before he gets away!

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    • avatar

      Sue Jones August 12, 2013, 10:00 pm

      WTF?

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  • avatar

    Jubietta August 13, 2013, 12:24 am

    In all of those words, the most telling detail mor me is that LW wants to hear BF say he wants her to visit and he won’t say it.

    What the hell does that mean? What is in this guy’s history that prevents him from expressing a desire to see someone with whom he’s having a sexual relationship? That sounds over-the-top controlling to me. Partially because he knows the LW wants it and won’t give it to her — something that costs him nothing. Partially because seems to have some god-like desire to not *need* people. Partially because it reeks of failure to compromise.

    LW he won’t give you the gift of vulerability. He won’t give you the gift of an even playing field. He won’t even give you the gift of compromise in good faith. These things do not make for a good, long-term partner. They do not bode well for affection, respect, or intimacy…all pieces of a healthy, loving relationship which would add to who you are, rather than taking parts of you away.

    There must be upsides in this situation that fill holes in your life, but there are less-destructive ways to get those needs met. Please give yourself the gift of the chance to find out what some of those things are. Leave this one alone, he’s being honest about who he is and what he wants, and none of of it sounds acceptable from the details.

    Something about who you are, LW, attracted this man into your life and into your bed. Other commentors suggest a lack of self-respect, and recommend counseling. I agree on the part about getting some help. I think it would be wonderful if you could figure out what you need and what you want…start with a list…so that when other people start to fill your life (or your in-box) you’ll know quickly if they’ll measure up.

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  • theattack

    theattack August 13, 2013, 9:19 am

    Every single thing he says and refuses to say to you – everything he does – is a way to take all the control in your arrangement. He refuses to say that he wants you around, and he wants you to be the one to admit and demonstrate all of the feelings, because the one who loves the most has the least power in his demented view of dealing with women. (I say “dealing with women” because this isn’t a relationship.) He’s showing some signs of physical (and maybe sexual) abuse, and he’s already emotionally abusive. He’s grooming you for an outright abusive arrangement that he refuses to even call a relationship. That doesn’t sound worth it, does it? Please ignore all further communication from this man and never contact him again.

    P.S. – If he doesn’t want a relationship, why is he on a dating site? Pretty suspicious, huh? Sounds like he wants a victim.

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  • avatar

    Wilma Nelson August 13, 2013, 5:34 pm

    Sounds good, Puppy. I think you have found an ideal match for yourself. Never let him go. BTW, are you morbidly obese?

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    • avatar

      Caris August 14, 2013, 9:03 pm

      What the hell is wrong with you?

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