I met a great guy a few months ago. He has a lot going for him in all aspects and is genuinely a wonderful man. Unfortunately, since he attends a great university and is a leader in several student organizations, he has limited free time, which he spends going to events with his frat brothers, catching up on sleep and finishing his school work. We don’t talk on a daily basis and we barely text, but when we are together (which is once every 2-3 weeks) we have a fabulous time and we can talk for hours. I have been pushing him to talk to me and see me more often, but he claims he has no time and he will be more free in the future. When I told him he’s probably not ready for a relationship he responded that although he is extremely productive and doesn’t have time for a relationship, he doesn’t want to let a good opportunity (being with me) pass by and have another man “steal” me away from him.
In his past, his ex-girlfriend was with him on a daily basis (even while he was extremely busy) and he felt his personal space was invaded. I don’t want to invade his personal space at this early of a time by forcing him to hang out with me more. But at the same time, we have known each other for three months and are exclusively seeing each other, so is his request for space an indicator I need to move on? By straightforwardly admitting he doesn’t want to miss his chance with me (even though he is extremely busy), is he being selfish? I am lost and confused if I should really wait for this “free time” he will have in the future or if this guy is just wasting my time. — Non Space-Invader
Yes, of course, this guy is being selfish! He wants you to be exclusive to him so he won’t lose you to someone else, yet he’s unwilling to give you any of his limited free time, preferring instead to spend it with his frat bros? If not selfish, what else would you call that kind of behavior? And you’re totally enabling him. Why in the world are you settling for these “crumbs of a relationship”?
I’ve got news for you: this guy isn’t all that special. It sounds like he — and you — thinks he is, but this whole “I’m so busy” bullshit he keeps spewing is just that: bullshit. I mean, sure, maybe he’s busy, but guess what: we all are. Aren’t you busy? I know I am. I won’t even bore you with the details of how time-consuming running this site is — from creating content, reading and replying to the numerous letters I receive each day, managing ads and affiliates, promoting the site, monitoring comments, blah, blah, blah. And that’s just the work side of my life. I also have friendships to juggle, relationships with my family and in-laws to maintain, a home to keep clean, meals to prepare every day, birthdays to remember, gifts to buy, plants to water, travel plans to make, episodes of “Breaking Bad” to catch up on, and, oh yeah, a baby to prepare for. And you know what? I still make plenty of time for my husband. Why? Because I want to. Because people who want to be in relationships make time for them.
Clearly, this guy you’re seeing doesn’t want to be with you. He may recognize that you’re a great catch. He may realize you’re a cool person who, if he were looking for a girlfriend, would make an ideal one. But that’s not what he wants. If he did, he’d make time for you. End of story. You sticking with him — excluding all other options — is just … well, it’s kind of pathetic. I mean, what the hell do you get out of it? Nothing. Just the feeling that you’re of little value. And don’t tell me you don’t feel that way. How could you not when you’re exclusively dating a guy who’d rather sleep than hang out with you? The fact that you actually used the phrase “force him to hang out with me” should be an indicator of the value he places you at. MOA, darlin’, and stick with people who don’t have to be coerced into spending time with you.