Ever since then, I began to watch myself. I tried really hard not to get mad at anything she said/did. A week later, I took her to a KISS concert. She said it was the best concert she had ever been to. And in the following weeks, I went with her entire family on a three-day vacation. A week after getting back, I went with them to Six Flags for the day. It was pretty much her goodbye gift because she was leaving for her senior year of college.
Since her college is six hours away from here, we — her family and I — all spent the night at a hotel after moving her into her dorm room all day. She was really emotional when she had to say good-bye to all of us. She was scheduled to come home a week later for the weekend, so I took a bus up there the day before so she wouldn’t have to drive home alone. We had a lotta fun and the ride home was amazing, too.
About four days after she went back to school, I texted her telling her how I was already planning my next visit up there. She then called and broke up with me. She said you can’t force someone to love you, but that she really wants to keep me as a friend. The problem for me is that it’s extremely tough to keep someone as a “friend” when you’re crazy in love with them.
I hadn’t talked to her in about three days. No contact at all. Everybody had been telling me the same thing: Don’t call, text, tweet, message or contact in anyway. “Let her miss you.” She tweeted me that day saying: “Wanted to say thank you for the rice pilaf hope all is well.” I had sent her a box of rice pilaf because we both love it. That was about a week ago and I haven’t heard from her since. She has asked about me to one of our friends at work, checking up on me to see how I am. Also, her Mom LOVES me. She and the rest of the family thought I was the best boyfriend Jessica ever had and she’s praying we find our way back together.
A few hours ago, her Mom told me she was coming home for Columbus Day weekend and she wants to go to Six Flags. She told me I can always go as a friend. I think I’m gonna tell her mom no. Maybe if I still avoid her, it’ll give her time to miss me more. But I don’t know. When I tell anybody what happened, they always have the same reaction: A HUGE gasp! Like they all can’t believe it. Dear Wendy, is there anything I can do? Any advice you can give me? Any help would be appreciated. — Crazy in Love
You are right not to go to Six Flags with your ex and her family. You are right to give her space. And though I wish I could tell you that time and absence will make her heart grow fonder, the truth is it probably won’t. Because the thing with 20-year-old girls is that 80% of the time, they don’t go for the guy who takes a bus six hours so they don’t have to drive home alone and they don’t go for the guy who sends them rice pilaf in the mail or the guy whom their moms are crazy about. They go for the guys who ignore them and cheat on them and break their hearts. Not always, of course, but a lot of the time.
And for a while, it seems like no one is happy because guys like you are pining away for girls like your ex and those kinds of girls are pining away for someone else and everyone is sad and a little lonely and wishing they could just love the people who already love them back. The good news is that eventually the 20-year-old girls turn into 25-, 30-, 35-year-old women and they’re tired of longing for the guys who don’t treat them well. And they long for the kind of guy who will go on a family vacation with them and help them move and bring them their favorite food. And you’re going to be in luck when that happens because you’re going to have your pick of the litter. In about 5 years or so, the kind of girl you like is going to be looking for someone exactly like YOU. And then it’s all just going to be a matter of timing to find the right match.
I know that doesn’t help you much now. It doesn’t do much to soothe your broken heart and make you feel less alone. And the only thing I can say to that is that it WILL get better. As long as you remain the sweet, thoughtful guy you are — the kind of guy moms love and girls want as their “friend,” it won’t be too long before they’re going to want so much more than that. And who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky and you’ll find the rare breed of young woman who has no interest in dumb games and already understands the value of a guy who wants nothing more than to be a great boyfriend.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.