I’ve been seeing a recently divorced man for about a month. We have a fantastic time, a lot in common, and just an all-around amazing rapport. He recently went on a trip to New Orleans with friends, and spent a lot of the time texting me. We see each other twice a week and talk at least an hour a day. We do make out (which he really enjoys), and though he’s a bit arrogant, he’s very affectionate. There’s no question he’s into me as a person and the undertone to it is very romantic.
He says, however, because he’s recently divorced, he doesn’t feel sexually attracted to me — or to anyone. I told him we can keep it at a sort of platonic-plus-kissing level for a couple of months, develop the friendship, and see where his head’s at once he’s more used to single life. If he isn’t into me sexually when he does feel up to having sexual relationships, we’ll just be friends. And we have such a good time, I really do think that’s an option.
I’ve set some ground rules: he can date other people since we’re not exclusive, but I don’t want to know about it and 2) When he is ready for sex, which will probably be a couple months in, we’ll have seen an awful lot of one another, so I’m going to want exclusivity at that point.
I’m satisfied with this, but he seems angsty about it. He doesn’t want to hurt me, and I’ve promised him I will survive somehow if it ends, but I would miss him. When I ask him if he’d like something else, he says “no,” so I think he just needs someone to listen to the anxiety rather than try to fix it. But I’m wondering: is this an MOA situation, or can I give this guy a month or two to sort stuff out? — Platonic for Now
First of all, it shouldn’t take someone a couple of months to decide if he’s sexually attracted to you. True, sexual attraction can grow, but if there isn’t anything after a month of dates, multiple make-out sessions, and daily marathon phone calls, then it’s unlikely it’s going to magically develop in the next several weeks. It’s one thing for this guy to say he’s not ready to have sex, but to say he just isn’t attracted to you was a pretty dumb, not to mention hurtful, remark to make and I have to wonder if it wasn’t his (very) lame way of trying to dump you. That he’s having some angst about continuing to you further sharpens that point.
Whether he was truthful in not being sexually attracted to you, or just terribly awkward in expressing his lack of readiness to seal the deal, one thing is certain: this guy has some issues. He clearly is not ready for the relationship you’re ready for, and it doesn’t make sense for you to continue emotionally investing in a man who has made it completely apparent he can’t give you what you want. This “one or two months” timeline isn’t even one he’s come up with. That’s your idea. Why you think he’s going to be sexually attracted to you in another month or two when he isn’t yet already is perplexing. And I would think just waiting for someone to decide he’s attracted enough to sleep with you would be pretty degrading.
Like I said, if this were simply a matter of him needing to take things slowly, then fine, that’s understandable. Men and women both can have a variety of reasons for wanting to move slowly in regards to sex. But the fact that he outright told you he isn’t sexually attracted to you is a major red flag here. Unless you want to be hurt and angry two months down the line, after 60 more hours of phone conversations and who knows how many more sexless dates and make-out sessions that don’t go anywhere, I’d MOA now and save yourself a little grief. This guy either isn’t into you or has some issues he needs to work out before he’s ready to date. If you want to tell him to give you a call when he works those issues out, fine, but don’t hang around like a lost little puppy dog while he’s putting in the time. Surely you’re better than that.