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“He’s Not Sexually Attracted to Me”

I’ve been seeing a recently divorced man for about a month. We have a fantastic time, a lot in common, and just an all-around amazing rapport. He recently went on a trip to New Orleans with friends, and spent a lot of the time texting me. We see each other twice a week and talk at least an hour a day. We do make out (which he really enjoys), and though he’s a bit arrogant, he’s very affectionate. There’s no question he’s into me as a person and the undertone to it is very romantic.

He says, however, because he’s recently divorced, he doesn’t feel sexually attracted to me — or to anyone. I told him we can keep it at a sort of platonic-plus-kissing level for a couple of months, develop the friendship, and see where his head’s at once he’s more used to single life. If he isn’t into me sexually when he does feel up to having sexual relationships, we’ll just be friends. And we have such a good time, I really do think that’s an option.

I’ve set some ground rules: he can date other people since we’re not exclusive, but I don’t want to know about it and 2) When he is ready for sex, which will probably be a couple months in, we’ll have seen an awful lot of one another, so I’m going to want exclusivity at that point.

I’m satisfied with this, but he seems angsty about it. He doesn’t want to hurt me, and I’ve promised him I will survive somehow if it ends, but I would miss him. When I ask him if he’d like something else, he says “no,” so I think he just needs someone to listen to the anxiety rather than try to fix it. But I’m wondering: is this an MOA situation, or can I give this guy a month or two to sort stuff out? — Platonic for Now


First of all, it shouldn’t take someone a couple of months to decide if he’s sexually attracted to you. True, sexual attraction can grow, but if there isn’t anything after a month of dates, multiple make-out sessions, and daily marathon phone calls, then it’s unlikely it’s going to magically develop in the next several weeks. It’s one thing for this guy to say he’s not ready to have sex, but to say he just isn’t attracted to you was a pretty dumb, not to mention hurtful, remark to make and I have to wonder if it wasn’t his (very) lame way of trying to dump you. That he’s having some angst about continuing to you further sharpens that point.

Whether he was truthful in not being sexually attracted to you, or just terribly awkward in expressing his lack of readiness to seal the deal, one thing is certain: this guy has some issues. He clearly is not ready for the relationship you’re ready for, and it doesn’t make sense for you to continue emotionally investing in a man who has made it completely apparent he can’t give you what you want. This “one or two months” timeline isn’t even one he’s come up with. That’s your idea. Why you think he’s going to be sexually attracted to you in another month or two when he isn’t yet already is perplexing. And I would think just waiting for someone to decide he’s attracted enough to sleep with you would be pretty degrading.

Like I said, if this were simply a matter of him needing to take things slowly, then fine, that’s understandable. Men and women both can have a variety of reasons for wanting to move slowly in regards to sex. But the fact that he outright told you he isn’t sexually attracted to you is a major red flag here. Unless you want to be hurt and angry two months down the line, after 60 more hours of phone conversations and who knows how many more sexless dates and make-out sessions that don’t go anywhere, I’d MOA now and save yourself a little grief. This guy either isn’t into you or has some issues he needs to work out before he’s ready to date. If you want to tell him to give you a call when he works those issues out, fine, but don’t hang around like a lost little puppy dog while he’s putting in the time. Surely you’re better than that.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

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{ 52 comments… add one }

avatar Callifax June 15, 2011, 7:27 am

There’s a reason that he’s nervous, angsty and uncomfortable with the “deal” that you’ve laid out for him: I get the feeling that he’s not really that interested in you, and he was trying to find a nice way to let you down. It’s the same reason why men might say “I’m just not in a place to date anyone right now” and then wind up in a relationship with someone else a few weeks later – they honestly don’t want to hurt you, and therefore try to spin the truth to seem less harsh.

MOA, girl. It’s only been a month, and there are plenty of other men out there who WILL be sexually attracted to you…and who you won’t have to pressure into a “friends for now with the hope of more later” situation. Save yourself a lot of heartache and go full steam ahead back into the dating world. There are more emotionally and sexually available men out there.

avatar The_Yellow_Dart June 15, 2011, 7:40 am

MOA! Besides the fact that you both are not on the same page – you want a relationship, he wants to sort his life out – you should never have to settle for someone who is not attracted to you. (By the way, that seems like a lame excuse for his continued douchebaggery – he could have just said that he was not ready after his recent divorce and left it at that…)

leilani leilani June 15, 2011, 9:05 am

I can kind of relate to how the recently divorced guy is feeling. After a bad breakup, it has taken me a few months before I could really feel attracted to somebody again. In the interim, I kinda wanted to see other people because I felt like I should be moving on and I liked the attention and their company, but I simply wasn’t ready to have a romantic relationship with someone new.
That said, when I was in that state, I never would’ve asked somebody I actually cared about to wait around for me while I decided if I could ever be sexually attracted to them. I have a little more respect for other people’s feelings and time than that. I think he’s just lonely and wants some female companionship, so he’s allowing you to believe that there might be a relationship at the end of the tunnel even when he doesn’t really see a future with you. Even if his emotions are screwing with his ability to be sexual at the moment, he should at least be able to tell you definitively that he would want to bang you, if he was in a banging frame of mind. I’d definitely leave this situation behind. Either the timing is off, or you guys are off, and honestly, it sounds like both.

avatar ReginaRey June 15, 2011, 9:19 am

I think you may have made the mistake of NOT getting offended when he told you that he wasn’t attracted to you, simply because he said he wasn’t attracted to any other women, either. That’s totally offensive, and kind of strange. I get the feeling that he may have told you that he wasn’t attracted to anyone to avoid hurting your feelings. And hey, even if he WAS telling the truth about not being attracted to any women right now, that’s a huge, neon flashing sign that’s telling you – This dude is not ready for any sort of relationship, even casual, right now. Don’t waste your time twiddling your thumbs, waiting for this dude to magically become attracted to you and the rest of the female population. Move on and find someone who can’t wait to jump your bones.

avatar MJ June 15, 2011, 9:27 am

Yeah, I’m dating a recently divorced dude who says he’s not ready for a relationship either, so we’re keeping it casual…but there’s still plenty of sex. I can see myself getting sucked into something like this, but really, if he says he’s not attracted…well, that’s just weird. Even if he’s not ready for sex, like Wendy says, he should be able to say that he would WANT to have sex with her.

avatar melikeycheesecake June 15, 2011, 10:49 am

@ ReginaRey… this is totally off the subject but you and Wendy are right about the sex of Natalie Portman’s baby :)

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20498509,00.html

avatar ReginaRey June 15, 2011, 10:58 am

I know, I saw too! Check that one off my list :-)

avatar PFG-SCR June 15, 2011, 9:34 am

I can understand that some people aren’t interested in getting involved with the emotional aspect of a sexual relationship so quickly after a divorce. But, that doesn’t mean that they don’t find the opposite sex attractive – I think that only happens when you’re comatose or dead. The fact that he’s told you he doesn’t find you sexually attractive (assuming those are the words he used, and that’s not your interpretation) should have been a reason to either end things or take it strictly platonic. The fact that he’s dating (or considering dating) others is another sign that he’s not interested _enough_ in you for a relationship.

You allude to some aspects about him and his personality/behavior (“…and though he’s a bit arrogant…”, “…but he seems angsty about it. He doesn’t want to hurt me…”) that indicate to me that he is probably telling you a lot more through words, his tone, his actions, etc. that this isn’t really going to go anywhere. Obviously, you can wait around a few months and see if he feels differently, but I think it’s likely that you’re only going to get hurt when he finds someone that he does feel attraction for.

avatar ReginaRey June 15, 2011, 10:14 am

Totally agree. That “arrogance” she speaks of is coming through loud and clear by the fact that he had to make it known he wasn’t sexually attracted to her. There are a lot more kind ways to tell someone you aren’t interested.

avatar _jsw_ June 15, 2011, 11:05 am

“But, that doesn’t mean that they don’t find the opposite sex attractive – I think that only happens when you’re comatose or dead.”

I completely agree with the context of your comment, but I did just want to point out that you likely meant more than just “the opposite sex,” since some have other preferences, and that you were not intending to ignore asexual people, who do exist as living, non-comatose people. :)

avatar LeahW. June 15, 2011, 9:40 am

This strikes me as very odd. Although everyone is different, isn’t the typical “male” pattern to sleep around after a break-up and avoid emotional ties, not the other way around? If he wanted to bang you but never kissed you or said anything affectionate, this would be a clear MOA situation. I’m inclined to think that the opposite should be the case as well.

I once dated a guy who was just coming out of a two-year relationship that had been a lot more serious than I thought (plus I was young and stupid). We were genuinely a great match and I think would have lasted a while if we started dating under circumstances. We started out both affectionate and sexual with each other, but after a couple of months the sex dwindled and that was my first red flag. We continued to go through the motions of being in a relationship (we hung out all the time, knew each other’s friends, he even introduced me to his Dad!) but after a while he couldn’t do the emotional stuff either and we broke up.

The sex dwindling was the first sign that he wasn’t ready to be with me, but your guy has NEVER been attracted to you! Sometimes I think that if I had only given him six months to be single and get over his breakup before dating him myself that we could have gotten together and made it work, but I wouldn’t give you that advice. Your guy just isn’t interested in you beyond maybe a feeling of guilt over potentially hurting you and enjoying the comfort of having someone to kiss on and cuddle with. He doesn’t want to be with you, he just doesn’t want to be alone. MOA.

avatar silver_dragon_girl June 15, 2011, 9:43 am

I’m suspicious that he’ll make out with you even though he’s “not sexually attracted to you.” Personally, I see making out as a step towards sex, and I wouldn’t do it with someone I didn’t like physically. So add my vote to the “he just told you that as a gentle let-down” column.

LW, I’d just move on before you get more attached to this guy. The quicker you do it, the easier it will be. Let this guy figure out his timeline for a new relationship on his own.

avatar PFG-SCR June 15, 2011, 9:50 am

The making out part was confusing for me, too, and I was curious if he was getting aroused by that…although I’m not really sure if that changes my view of the situation, though.

avatar silver_dragon_girl June 15, 2011, 10:22 am

It does make you wonder. For me, there’s not much worse than sucking face with a guy I don’t have chemistry with. :S

avatar SGMcG June 15, 2011, 9:45 am

It’s so hard to MOA from someone with whom you have great rapport with. Yet a relationship is more than just the fact that you get along great – you have to be willing to give your all to an individual. He already explicitly said that he won’t do that for you due to the divorce, AND that he doesn’t want it in return. So far, the only thing you are to this guy is the fact that you’re an individual who is so removed from the context of the divorce, so you’re easier to turn to than his current friends that may already know all the details. Worse yet, this guy is not into you enough to even make you his booty call – so you’ll settle for being his booty call-in-waiting and emotional crutch through his divorce. Do you want to be the girl he practices his after-divorce non-sexual moves on so that he can hone them on the one he’ll want to bed next? Because this is what it sounds like he’s doing to you. You’re more than that, so please MOA.

avatar Melanie June 15, 2011, 9:46 am

I feel like by telling him you’d wait around for him, you lowered your value in his (and your own) eyes.

avatar RMM0278 June 15, 2011, 10:13 am

Agreed. I got the sense the LW seriously lacked self-confidence so she’s grasping at the stale crumbs he’s giving her. I also am confused as to where she got this arbitrary two months. She’s better off moving on and not looking back.

If a guy really, really, really, really wants you, he’ll let you know. Period. Zero ambiguity.

avatar EmmieEm June 15, 2011, 10:03 am

I don’t get why LW would wait until she’s MORE invested into this ‘relationship’ and see where he wants to go with it. Chances are, she’ll end up hurt and writing a letter to DW in a few months asking if there’s some way she can MAKE a man sexually attracted to her. It doesn’t seem likely that’ll he just suddenly develop sexual attraction to her. Sexual attraction is usually instantaneous, no?

avatar Yozi June 15, 2011, 10:12 am

I think LW is setting herself up for dissapointment with the ground rules. What if he starts dating someone else that he finds attractive, but doesn’t tell LW because she asked him not to tell her about his dates? I wouldn’t waste two months waiting around for this guy. I think a lot of men are capable of seperating their emotions from sex , so I’m not really buying the “I’m not attracted to you because I just got divorced thing”. It seems like he might just want someone around to help him keep his thoughts off the break-up for awhile, until he finds someone he’s interested in.

avatar spaceboy761 June 15, 2011, 10:15 am

You’ve become his post-divorce emotional crutch and/or ego boost. My guess is that he won’t go past the kissing stage since he would feel like too much of an asshole if he started using you for bangage as well.

Either that, or he has lady parts, is into some serious orgasm denial fetishy stuff, or is a closeted bisexual bordering on gay. All of this can be deduced by the tightness of his pants. So these “friends” with whom he “visited” “New Orleans”…

avatar kali June 15, 2011, 2:05 pm

“closeted bisexual bordering on gay” – what SpaceBoy said.

avatar Dave Jay June 15, 2011, 10:20 am

Sounds to me like he is still reeling from his recent divorce. I could definitely understand my libido being shut OFF if that were to happen to me… especially if the divorce was less than amicable. But I also imagine that after a few months or a year, that part of me would start to awaken again. I don’t think he was being offensive to you at all… he was just being brutally honest. I’d rather see a person do that than enter a sexual relationship half-hearted. If he is indeed a good friend, that’s the important part and worth preserving. Your relationship may or may not graduate to “sexual”, but don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater.

avatar dobby June 15, 2011, 1:41 pm

I agree. It’s possible that his divorce was really bad and he is just plain scared to get into a new relationship. That may be why he doesn’t want to move onto sex yet. Or maybe his sex drive is low because of stress or depression, two very common results of divorce.

The LW has only been involved for a month – that’s 4 weeks. And she doesn’t say when his divorce happened, only that is was recent. Maybe it’s too recent for him to get into a new relationship and he needs some time. Not all men are about screwing every woman they meet – lots would turn down sex if it wasn’t in a committed relationship. She doesn’t give enough details about him to know what his attitude is about sex in or out of a relationship.

avatar Reality Bites June 15, 2011, 10:25 am

So if he told you that he’s not sexually attracted to any woman right now, what’s the purpose of telling him he can see other people? The only logical reason seems to be so that he can shop around and the maybe find someone he is sexually attracted to and leave you in the dust. If he truly were not in a place for a sexual relationship with any one, why would he need to be forming more and more “platonic with kissing” relationships with other women he would string along? I don’t think that’s the case though. He’s not into you but doesn’t have the gumption to come out and tell you. You don’t have to put up with that.

avatar Amy June 15, 2011, 10:29 am

I think you are the rebound. He probably enjoys the time with you and it’s probably helping him deal with his emotions – but he’s not giving back to you and he’s trying to figure out how to tell you that he isn’t going to be able to give back to you. He’d probably be better at letting you down and ending things with you if he’d dated a bit more in his recent past – but since he’s recently divorced he may not quite know how to do that yet. Don’t be his practice girlfriend – he’s not ready for a relationship. When he becomes ready for a new relationship – it isn’t likely to be with you as you’ve been cast in a role of therapy and he’ll want to be with someone with whom he can start fresh. He might need you in this role right now (or someone) – but it’s not likely to pan out how you wish it would. To be in a healthy relationship – you both need to enter it from a healthy place… he’s not there yet.

Good Luck – but get out now before additional time causes additional heartache.

avatar Laurel June 15, 2011, 10:32 am

I’d say be his platonic friend if you truly enjoy his company, and you aren’t already too emotionally invested in him. Just from your letter, he’s arrogant, angsty, recently divorced and not attracted to you. Do ANY of those thing sound like your ideal partner? You might have a good rapport with him but that isn’t enough to sustain a romantic relationship, especially when one of the players seems so uninterested. Keep him as a friend (if you want) and start dating someone who is into you without reservations.

avatar Christy June 15, 2011, 4:51 pm

This! You should be able to get what you want out of a relationship, and it sounds like he wants to be friends. If you want a friend you can make out with, fine, but if you want sex, MOA. If you’d been together longer it might be worth it to try to stick it out and see if he changes, but you don’t really know this guy and haven’t invested that much in the relationship. I’d say let him call you if he ever does start to feel attracted to you. In the meantime, you don’t have to be his crutch.

avatar ele4phant June 15, 2011, 10:32 am

Yikes, sometimes I wonder if this letters are real (not that I actually am questioning you Wendy). In some its just so obvious that the girl should MOA, its amazing to me that someone wouldn’t realize they are in a hopeless situation.

avatar mf June 15, 2011, 10:36 am

According to my fiance, sexual attraction for men is very simple. They see a girl and think, “Do I want to f#@k her?” The answer is either yes or no.

Now, I do think it’s possible for attraction to grow between two people, and I can see why this guy wouldn’t want a sexual relationship so shortly after getting divorced. However, like Wendy, it seems unlikely that he’ll suddenly decide he’s attracted to you in several months.

And do you really want to wait a few months for this guy to decide if you’re hot enough for him? Personally, I’d rather be with someone who looks at me and says to himself, “Hell yes, I want to do her!”

avatar melikeycheesecake June 15, 2011, 10:42 am

Major red flag here. If a man tells me he is not sexually attracted to me.. I’d Moa. I realize that’s easier said than done especially since you voiced that you have a fantastic time together.. but in his eyes it sounds like he sees you like more of a best friend than lover.

Can you just be his friend now and wait to see if the attraction changes for him? Or do you think that would only hurt more if he does not become attracted to you? That’s something you will have to decide for yourself but this situation does not sound promising. Divorce is tough and maybe he’s really not ready or maybe he’s just not “the one” for you.

avatar Nina June 15, 2011, 10:47 am

Soo…if Megan Fox, or some other attractive woman was writhing all over him he wouldn’t be sexually attracted to her, because he’s not sexually attracted to anyone at this point? I am sorry but I reaaaallly doubt that. I think this was just his way of letting you down easy (which actually sounds really degrading and harsh, which you dont deserve). It sounds to me like you set up those rules to make things go your way, and give you some stability and promise into this relationship, but even you sensed that he isnt into them. My impression is that you are setting yourself up for hurt by having faith in the wrong person. As wendy said, if he wants to take things slow that is one thing. But to wait around for someone to find you sexually attractive is not going to make you feel good about yourself. He probably like the connection, support, and you as a person but isnt considering a full relationship with you, ever. Just be friends.

avatar ReginaRey June 15, 2011, 11:00 am

“It sounds to me like you set up those rules to make things go your way, and give you some stability and promise into this relationship..” Very well said. I agree. I think she, perhaps subconsciously, sensed his resistance and his disinterest and tried to exert some power by laying down these “rules.” But I think that backfired, as well, because laying down rules for someone who probably isn’t that into you ends up making YOU look more desperate.

avatar LTC039 June 15, 2011, 10:53 am

Omg…LW, COME ONE! Only one word flashed in my mind as I was reading this… *PATHETIC*!

avatar plasticepoxy June 15, 2011, 3:53 pm

I don’t see how this is constructive for the LW.

avatar kerrycontrary June 15, 2011, 10:54 am

Ouch :( When I was in college I was friends with this couple, who had been dating for about 2 years. It was clear to most people that they were together because they were comfortable together, not because they were meant for each other. One night everyone got drunk and he ended up screaming at her (in front of everyone ) “I’m not sexually attracted to you anymore!!”. Obviously they wern’t the same after that and ended up breaking up. I agree with Wendy that attraction can develop over time…but not like 6 months worth of time. Move on already.

landygirl Landy June 15, 2011, 10:56 am

If he is just recently out of a relationship, then I doubt that he’s ready to jump right back into another one and if he was, he would have by now. LW, I know what it’s like to have great chemistry with a guy and you think that you’ll never feel this way with anyone else, but I promise you that you will and it will be even better, because you’ll be on the same page.

MOA and remember that you shouldn’t be an alternative, you should be first choice, you don’t have to settle.

avatar ArtsyGirl June 15, 2011, 10:59 am

Now you said that you don’t expect him to be exclusive for a few months while he works on himself, but I have to ask does he allow you to be non-exclusive as well? It sounds like you are focusing solely on him while he has a green light to do what he wants. I think you should speak to him and say that since he is not interesting in pursuing a sexual relationship with you currently then you should be free to seek sexual partners elsewhere until he is available to be in a monogamous relationship with you. If he forbids you do see other people but still refuses to allow for the physical aspect of your relationship to progress than you know that you are his back burner girl (i.e. the girl that he keeps on the back burner in case nothing better come along). Right now you are in an emotional relationship with no real physical intimacy.

avatar Lindsay June 15, 2011, 11:15 am

Sexual attraction isn’t just about wanting to have sex, specifically. It’s what makes a relationship more than a friendship and should be what drives a person to kiss someone else. It can develop, but I think that’s often before you’re romantic with someone. Perhaps when you go from seeing them just as a friend (or co-worker or acquaintance, etc.) to something more. But if you’re already in that boat and the attraction isn’t there, I don’t think it’s going to suddenly show up. I’ve been in the situation where I was dating someone and early on realized I wasn’t attracted to them, and it never ever changed.

avatar _jsw_ June 15, 2011, 11:15 am

As a man, I find it difficult to make out with someone repeatedly that I’m not attracted to sexually. I might not be ready for sex with them, or I might have other issues affecting my libido, but to make out with someone when sober and frequently but not want to screw them just isn’t something I can fathom.

So… if he’s genuinely not sexually attracted to you, LW, I think his orientation might point elsewhere.

If instead his libido is low for whatever reason, and he’s straight but just not in the mood for sex… ugh, I still can’t imagine making out with someone that often and not at least wanting to have sex with them. I could see not wanting to have sex, but not that and wanting to make out often. So I’m guessing that, if he’s straight, he likely is sexually attracted to you but has major reasons to not want to be intimate with you.

I can’t see any way how this could work out well, LW.

avatar MsMisery June 15, 2011, 12:04 pm

That’s what I was thinking as I read this. For most people, making out is a stop on the road from Point A to Point B. You don’t usually make out and then go “Ok, we’re done here.”

avatar silver_dragon_girl June 15, 2011, 2:50 pm

After the 10th grade, anyway.

avatar Christina June 15, 2011, 11:17 am

Skip the useless 2 month wait that you made up, skip the make-out sessions and offer to be friends only. Dude’s reaction will tell you everything. Take the pressure off. It looks like he’s telling you he likes you but not like that. If he’s not attracted when you’ve let him know you are willing then it’s just not there for him. There are other guys out there who will be attracted to you at the first meeting. Since you say just being friends is an option, just enjoy the friendship. If he decides he wants to date you romantically (banging included) later then that’s great.

avatar RavageMaladie June 15, 2011, 11:49 am

‘I can’t get it up for you’
=
‘I don’t want to man up for you’.

Yes…you’d have to be a little arrogant to think a woman would stick around for THAT. And LW, please don’t be that woman – you can do much better!

avatar Valerie June 15, 2011, 12:04 pm

I have to wonder if maybe the LW is a little bit inexperienced when it comes to dating and/or sex. I say this because I was pretty inexperienced with dating and sex after I graduated college (I was a late bloomer) and this sounds like something I might have gone along with if I really liked a guy, but now it sounds pretty ridiculous.

LW, this guy “has you on the hook.” Please, yank off the band-aid already, MOA, and find a guy who is worth your time and is willing to give all of himself to you!!!

avatar Woman of Words June 15, 2011, 12:20 pm

It’s quite possible he has very low libido, or is asexual. It may be the very reason his marriage broke up, and now he may be dating to try to prove that his libido exists. In any case, you don’t need to be his guinea-pig. I can tell you from experience that it most likely won’t end well. You sound like a lovely, caring person, and you deserve a proper, loving relationship. As hard as it is, moa before you become even more emotionally invested.

avatar MiMi June 15, 2011, 12:52 pm

Hold on a second here! You’ve seen this guy in person maybe 9-10 times (you’ve been seeing him for about a month, hang out about two times a week), and you’ve already presented him with ground-rules, a future timeline, and a short list of what his choices are?? I wouldn’t be hot for you either if it was me. The dude is recently divorced. He’s just been through a negative whirlwind and here you are with a high-pressure sales pitch and offer-expiration date? The two of you may have a lot in common, be natural companions, enjoy each other as people etc., but the man is still reeling and likely feeling a little self-protective and sooo not ready to fall into your clutches. Is he lame for taking up so much of your time and sucking your face off and then claiming he’s not attracted to you? Totally. But if you’re this invested, this quickly, that you’re trying to direct how things are going to go down, he can’t afford to sleep with you – he’d never be his own man again. You can’t control this, so stop trying and back the heck off. Be the friend you said you could see yourself being. And be a friend to yourself by remembering that you are worthy of a whole-hearted, giving, loving man who wants to share everything with you of his own free will.

avatar Amber June 15, 2011, 12:52 pm

Why is it that when a man is not attracted to a woman, woman automatically assume it means he is gay or there is something is wrong with the him?

Sure, maybe he’s gay. Maybe he has lady parts. Maybe he’s asexual. Maybe he’s a space alien.

More likely is that he’s really not into her that way. Right now he is reeling from his divorce and wants comfort and an ego boost, hence the making out. He sensed her getting too close and wanting more (aka sex, which he is not into doing with her) so he told her he’s not attracted to her to push her away.

And now that she’s said “okay, we’ll give it a few months”, he’s thinking “oh crap”.

My prediction – he will disappear soon.

avatar _jsw_ June 15, 2011, 1:14 pm

“Why is it that when a man is not attracted to a woman, woman automatically assume it means he is gay or there is something is wrong with the him?”

I think it was the making out bit that led to those assumptions, not the fact that he didn’t find a given woman sexually attractive.

avatar AKchic June 15, 2011, 1:26 pm

MOA. Geez. He’s newly divorced and instead of jumping your bones, he uses you as a therapist with make-out priviledges. That tells me that he really, really isn’t sexually into you and never will be.
He tried to get himself into you sexually since you were sexually available (those were the make-out sessions, honey) – but he just couldn’t get himself to get sexually attracted to you. It won’t happen.

Either stop making out with him and become that platonic female friend that he comes to for advice or walk away. Stop trying to wish on those shiny stars that he’ll be your prince, because it won’t happen.

avatar lk June 15, 2011, 2:06 pm

I’m sure you really enjoy him but you are setting yourself up for guaranteed heartbreak.

Most likely scenarios:

1) You wait around for a few weeks, continuing to push your timeline, until he finally blows up at you, tells you he isn’t ready & never wants to see you again. You resent him for stringing you along & he goes on an indefinite dating hiatus.

2) You wait around for a few months & he never is ready for intimacy or commitment. Your self-confidence is totally drained & he develops an intense fear of women/relationships that takes years of therapy to recover from.

3) You wait around for a few months & he agrees to exclusivity. You date for a while but end up hating him for continuing to be emotionally/physically distant. You become a man-hater & he develops an intense fear of small spaces, closed rooms & physical contact that lands him voluntarily committed in a mental institution.

Maybe his lack of attraction is a sort of shell-shocked numbness but that’s not going to disappear within a timeline of your choosing. He is trying to adjust to having a life separate from the joint life he was accustomed to.

It sounds like 2 months is what YOU are willing to wait… but what you are willing to do for this man is irrelevant since he is not ready — which he has made very clear to you.

By all means, support him as a friend.
Anything else will be Tier 1 Crazy-Making for both you and him.

avatar emjay June 15, 2011, 5:18 pm

This reminds me of a TF letter where the woman moved across the world to be with someone, married the guy, then wrote in about the new husband not finding her sexually attractive enough. Any one else remember this? Any way, you said the guy is just recently divorced. Maybe he just can’t picture being with anyone but his exwife. Any way MOA immediately, and a msg to the females out there, stop clinging yourselves onto newly/just divorced people! You know how hard a regular breakup can be, couple that feeling of pain with the fact they were MARRIED! These guys are new to this world of dating (most of them any ways) and they need their own time to sort things out for themselves. Marrying someone is one of the biggest commitments to make to yourself and another, and I have first handed seen what horrible things divorce can do to people. MOA and let this man pic up the broken pcs of his life, and find someone who IS sexually attracted to YOU, there are plenty of them out there!

sobriquet sobriquet June 15, 2011, 5:35 pm

There is a very big difference between:

a] Not feeling ready to have sex with someone, and
b] Not being sexually attracted to someone

The former suggests that there is an attraction, he is just simply not in a good state of mind to be physically intimate. The latter implies that he will never want to have sex with you. I just don’t think anyone could accidentally mix up the phrasing.

Move on, be friends with him if you want, but start dating other people.

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