Yesterday he sprung on me that he is staying with his best friend “Angela” for the night. Don’t worry–because I love her, she’s lovely, and I am not worrying about anything inappropriate between them. However, I am worrying as he didn’t tell me in advance and just kind of told me the way it was without considering me. And he is spending the whole next day with her as well as the day after that, which happens to be a day off for both of us, which NEVER happens.
I know it’s his day off and he can choose to spend it any way he likes, but I am upset that he didn’t even think of me. He gave me £10 and said, “Buy yourself a chippy,” and out the door he went without a backward glance. I just need help on how to talk to him about this without upsetting him. What do you think? — Unsatisfied with a Chippy
When you say that no one is giving you the “right” advice, I’m betting you mean that no one is telling you what you want to hear, and I’m sorry to say that I don’t think you’ll like my advice either. That your boyfriend is avoiding you by spending the rare day off you both have with another woman — and spending the night at her place, too (!) — speaks volumes about where his head is in terms of your relationship. And, honestly, you sound deep in denial, so it doesn’t surprise me that your friends — or whomever else you’re turning to for advice — are likely telling you to pull your head out of the sand.
You say you and your boyfriend are a “very happy couple,” but then in the very next line you say you both work such crazy hours you hardly ever see each other. How is a couple who hardly sees each other happy? Unless they don’t actually like seeing each other? And in that case, they aren’t happy as a couple — they’re just happy as individuals (who perhaps share an address and split rent).
Also, your boyfriend drops on you at the last minute that he’s spending the night at his (female) friend’s place AND spending the whole next day with her AND the whole day after that–and as a consolation he gives you £10 for some fish and chips and you’re worried about saying something to upset him? Really?! It seems like your boyfriend isn’t the only one disregarding your feelings and putting himself first.
Honey, it’s time to start thinking for yourself. Who gives a rat’s ass if you say something to upset your boyfriend about his obscenely inconsiderate behavior when he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about upsetting you? Get a backbone and stick up for yourself. Tell him that his behavior is hurting you and, if he no longer wants to spend time with you, maybe you need to re-evaluate the relationship. And ask him why he needs to spend the night at Angela’s house when he has a bed at your house. So many letters I get are from women who are irrationally jealous of women their boyfriends are casual friends with, but you are actually one of the rare cases of a woman who is irrationally trusting of a friendship between her boyfriend and another woman. There are two main reasons a man would sleep at a woman’s house when he has bed with his girlfriend in the same town: to get away from the girlfriend; to have sex with the other woman. I hope for your sake there’s some other explanation… but, from where I sit, it sure doesn’t look good.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.