His Take questions are answered by our panel of smart, opinionated, and funny dudes.
A month or so in, anti “fwb” things began. First, he left a bar we were both at when I was talking with a few guys. Then at a gathering, I met one of his friends and she said I’m “all he ever talks about.” Then, another of his friends introduced me to his girlfriend as ___’s girl. Whenever I ran into his friends they’d ask me where he was and make a point of inviting me out where they’d all be, more so even than he did. We aren’t ‘talk about feelings’ people, so we didn’t.
Then one night wasted, he told our taxi driver, “I think I’m in love with this girl” over and over. Then, he went on a tangent to his roommate about how “amazing” I am. After that, we barely talked for a week — until he started texting just to say “work sucks,” etc. Then we stopped having sex all the time. We’d talk and “cuddle” and kiss goodnight and then just sleep.
A few questions: What the f does this dude want from me? Why did he tell his friends all about me but didn’t initiate that conversation with me? And why, why, why did we stop having sex a lot? — More than an FWB?
For starters, let’s excise your second paragraph: it’s a list of circumstantial evidence of a relationship that, knowing what we know, reads as a typical night’s diary entry from someone in a long-term FWB situation. In other words: you are making something out of nothing in each of these instances. These are things that happen when people tend to spend boatloads of time with each other in a sexual and/or romantic situation. Remember: Blank’s friends have apparently not been notified of your status as an FWB, so they would think it rude not to invite Blank’s girl out when they invite Blank to hang out. I do it all the time — “who’s that girl he’s seeing? I guess I should invite her too so no one feels slighted.”
Also, he was “wasted” when he said something about being in love to a stranger driving a taxi. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said something like that when making drunken casual conversation in a taxi, I could actually afford to take a taxi. To Madagascar.
I also brushed aside your final paragraph because the answer you’re looking for is unfortunately in your third: he just wants to sleep now and not have sex with you. He considers you nothing more than an FWB; unfortunately, you aren’t an FWB anymore either. Luckily, and despite the flimsy evidence you presented, you two weren’t that serious, so it should only be a few months before his name comes up again and you draw a Blank.
Dennis Hong You two started off with a FWB agreement, but over time, he started developing genuine romantic feelings for you. You never showed any signs of reciprocation, though, and since you’re not the “talk about feelings” type, he was too nervous to bring anything up.
Then one night, he got plastered, and all his feelings came pouring out in his own personal episode of Taxicab Confessions. Hey, that’s what drunk people do. Their feelings don’t change. They just stop caring if they broadcast said feelings to the world. Of course, you didn’t say anything about how you reacted to any of this, but I’m guessing it wasn’t along the lines of, “OMG, I’m totally in love with him, too,” followed by a camera cut to the outside of the cab, where we see the windows steaming up and a single hand pressed passionately against the glass….
So, he’s probably feeling a bit awkward now and withdrawing into his shell. And that’s what you’re sensing from him now. Point being, all his words and actions point to one glaring conclusion — one that I get the impression you’re trying to ignore, because it’s not ideal for you. You haven’t said anything about how you feel about him, and I think that’s telling. So, all that remains is this:
How do you want to deal with the fact that your FWB is probably head-over-heels in love with you at this point?
Jarek: This dude wants exactly what you fear he wants, which is for you and he to sit in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g-ing. Some FWB situations have an unspoken transition where everything just naturally morphs into a relationship because two people have mutual feelings for one another. Most others, however, crash and burn because one party got too attached and ruined the whole concept. It sounds like he is assuming the former, and you are leaning toward the latter. But ‘how did that happen’ you may ask. Well, this is the sort of thing that happens when two people who don’t like to talk about their feelings get together. I know, it would be nice to think that if we just ignored something for long enough then everything would basically work itself out, much like America’s approach to racism. But, in order for anything to ever change, someone is going to need to break and talk about their feelings. And by someone, it sounds like that will most likely have to be you.
So there you go, LW, the guys disagree about whether you’re making something out of nothing or if your FWB is, indeed, head-over-heels in love with you. One thing they all agree on though is that if you want to know how someone you’re sleeping with feels about you, you probably need to get over your fear of “talking about feelings,” and actually talk about your feelings for each other. Good luck. — Wendy
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