Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

His Take: “Am I More Than Just His FWB?”

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His Take questions are answered by our panel of smart, opinionated, and funny dudes.

This summer I had a “fling” with an awesome guy I met who lived in the same complex as me. At the beginning we both said we weren’t looking for anything serious, as we both were out of somewhat recent relationships with crazies. We hung out, drank together a lot, and had lots of sex. We texted some, mostly “let’s meet up at xyz” or “come hang out” etc. We’d spend hours doing nothing together and have a great time.

A month or so in, anti “fwb” things began. First, he left a bar we were both at when I was talking with a few guys. Then at a gathering, I met one of his friends and she said I’m “all he ever talks about.” Then, another of his friends introduced me to his girlfriend as ___’s girl. Whenever I ran into his friends they’d ask me where he was and make a point of inviting me out where they’d all be, more so even than he did. We aren’t ‘talk about feelings’ people, so we didn’t.

Then one night wasted, he told our taxi driver, “I think I’m in love with this girl” over and over. Then, he went on a tangent to his roommate about how “amazing” I am. After that, we barely talked for a week — until he started texting just to say “work sucks,” etc. Then we stopped having sex all the time. We’d talk and “cuddle” and kiss goodnight and then just sleep.

A few questions: What the f does this dude want from me? Why did he tell his friends all about me but didn’t initiate that conversation with me? And why, why, why did we stop having sex a lot? — More than an FWB?

Screen Shot 2014-01-08 at 7.14.33 PMBrian: Unfortunately, there’s really no way to answer your questions without being blunt and, based on your lament “why, why, why,” presumably disappointing you.

For starters, let’s excise your second paragraph: it’s a list of circumstantial evidence of a relationship that, knowing what we know, reads as a typical night’s diary entry from someone in a long-term FWB situation. In other words: you are making something out of nothing in each of these instances. These are things that happen when people tend to spend boatloads of time with each other in a sexual and/or romantic situation. Remember: Blank’s friends have apparently not been notified of your status as an FWB, so they would think it rude not to invite Blank’s girl out when they invite Blank to hang out. I do it all the time — “who’s that girl he’s seeing? I guess I should invite her too so no one feels slighted.”

Also, he was “wasted” when he said something about being in love to a stranger driving a taxi. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said something like that when making drunken casual conversation in a taxi, I could actually afford to take a taxi. To Madagascar.

I also brushed aside your final paragraph because the answer you’re looking for is unfortunately in your third: he just wants to sleep now and not have sex with you. He considers you nothing more than an FWB; unfortunately, you aren’t an FWB anymore either. Luckily, and despite the flimsy evidence you presented, you two weren’t that serious, so it should only be a few months before his name comes up again and you draw a Blank.

Dennis Hong 400Dennis Hong You two started off with a FWB agreement, but over time, he started developing genuine romantic feelings for you. You never showed any signs of reciprocation, though, and since you’re not the “talk about feelings” type, he was too nervous to bring anything up.

Then one night, he got plastered, and all his feelings came pouring out in his own personal episode of Taxicab Confessions. Hey, that’s what drunk people do. Their feelings don’t change. They just stop caring if they broadcast said feelings to the world. Of course, you didn’t say anything about how you reacted to any of this, but I’m guessing it wasn’t along the lines of, “OMG, I’m totally in love with him, too,” followed by a camera cut to the outside of the cab, where we see the windows steaming up and a single hand pressed passionately against the glass….

So, he’s probably feeling a bit awkward now and withdrawing into his shell. And that’s what you’re sensing from him now. Point being, all his words and actions point to one glaring conclusion — one that I get the impression you’re trying to ignore, because it’s not ideal for you. You haven’t said anything about how you feel about him, and I think that’s telling. So, all that remains is this:

How do you want to deal with the fact that your FWB is probably head-over-heels in love with you at this point?

lo-res-175Jarek: This dude wants exactly what you fear he wants, which is for you and he to sit in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g-ing. Some FWB situations have an unspoken transition where everything just naturally morphs into a relationship because two people have mutual feelings for one another. Most others, however, crash and burn because one party got too attached and ruined the whole concept. It sounds like he is assuming the former, and you are leaning toward the latter. But ‘how did that happen’ you may ask. Well, this is the sort of thing that happens when two people who don’t like to talk about their feelings get together. I know, it would be nice to think that if we just ignored something for long enough then everything would basically work itself out, much like America’s approach to racism. But, in order for anything to ever change, someone is going to need to break and talk about their feelings. And by someone, it sounds like that will most likely have to be you.

So there you go, LW, the guys disagree about whether you’re making something out of nothing or if your FWB is, indeed, head-over-heels in love with you. One thing they all agree on though is that if you want to know how someone you’re sleeping with feels about you, you probably need to get over your fear of “talking about feelings,” and actually talk about your feelings for each other. Good luck. — Wendy

If you’d like to ask the guys a question, email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with “His Take” in the subject line and I’ll pass your question along to them.

35 comments… add one
  • Ika

    Ika August 28, 2014, 8:18 am

    Hmm it´s tough but I think I´m more inclined toward Dennis´s opinion. With a little of Jarek´s thrown in.

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    TheRascal August 28, 2014, 8:53 am

    ” if you want to know how someone you’re sleeping with feels about you, you probably need to get over your fear of “talking about feelings,” and actually talk about your feelings for each other. ”
    *
    LW, this is your answer.

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  • Portia

    Portia August 28, 2014, 9:25 am

    Yeah, this is definitely a situation where you need to talk about it, and probably decide how you feel beforehand. I could see it going either way, depending on the guy.

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    • Ika

      Ika August 28, 2014, 9:33 am

      Yeah, it´s so weird how LW doesn´t even say one way or another how she actually feels about the guy. I started reading thinking it was going to be the typical “I fell in love with my FWB” letter, but the end seems to be the opposite.

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    Steph August 28, 2014, 9:32 am

    I’m inclined to think that they’re just FWB. Friends hang out and talk about each other the way it seems he was talking about her. She wasn’t a booty call, so hanging out with his friends and going out in public is normal FWB behavior.

    I had a FWB for 3 years. He repeatedly would tell me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me when he was drunk and we were in the middle of being naughty, stuff he would never say sober. We would talk and hang out sober ALL. THE. TIME. He would tell me that he loved me that he loved me differently from anyone else in his life and it was confusing for him but that we’d never be more. And I was okay with that because he’d make a terrible boyfriend. Since then I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for about 4 months now and FWB and I no longer speak because we don’t know how to be just friends, so it’s best for my relationship. But in that FWB time we did everything this LW talks about even went on vacations together.

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  • avatar

    artsygirl August 28, 2014, 9:32 am

    a) LW, you never mention what YOU want in this relationship. Are you still against something more serious than a fuck buddy situation? As soon as you get that answer, you should sit down with the guy and actually discuss what each of you want. b) I would not read anything into his friends’ comments and actions. Mainly because they might not know that you are a FWB or even if they do it is hardly like they can introduce you as “the girl he casually fucks”.

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    • Amanda

      Amanda August 28, 2014, 10:04 am

      Although, that would be a conversation starter, for sure!

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      MsMisery August 28, 2014, 1:02 pm

      Or even better, “The girl he casually fucks but is really madly in love with! DUN DUN DUN!”

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  • avatar

    Brian Fairbanks August 28, 2014, 9:39 am

    Wait, she says “Why, why, why” (no one says that kind of thing unless they’re implying that they’re upset) and he has even stopped sleeping with her. This is 100% definitely an FWB that she at least wanted to continue (and possibly wanted more from) and that is at least temporarily concluded at his behest.

    You never know, though, with FWB’s. He could be back for Round Two by the time LW reads this.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest August 28, 2014, 9:53 am

      That’s true, she wouldn’t write in if she wasn’t somewhat still interested.

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        RedroverRedrover August 28, 2014, 3:22 pm

        She might just be interested in the sex though. Brian seemed to think the “why why why” meant she had feelings for him, when she might actually just be upset that the benefits of this FWB situation have dried up.

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        lets_be_honest August 28, 2014, 3:29 pm

        Very true!

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    SasLinna August 28, 2014, 9:47 am

    1. Decide what you want with this guy. If it’s a relationship that’s cool, if not, that’s cool.
    2. If you want a relationship, tell him “I’m noticing I’ve developed stronger feelings that don’t really fit the FWB situation we have anymore. Do you see us dating each other? If yes, we could give that a try.” If he says yes, suggest a date (like going to a restaurant for dinner), something you haven’t done before and that’s more romantic/couple-y. If he says no or answers inconclusively, tell him “OK, I think in this case I am going to need some space to get over my feelings.” You don’t have to jump into a relationship right away, just suggest you get on the “dating track”.

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    • avatar

      SasLinna August 28, 2014, 9:53 am

      Note that you don’t need to do any guesswork about this guy’s feelings for you to implement my strategy!

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest August 28, 2014, 9:52 am

    I’m on Team Dennis, even though I laughed at the cab to Madagascar line.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark August 28, 2014, 10:09 am

    Strange. Only ONE guy got this right. Congrats, Brian! To me it’s obvious that the LW wants this to be more than this is. Drunk guys say they love me all the time. But by the light of day and hingover? Eh, not so much…
    .
    Frankly, I am baffled by the other two responses. Did they, uh… Somehow read a different letter?

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      Wendy (not Wendy) August 28, 2014, 10:36 am

      Yup, I recognized the truth of everything he said, while protesting internally because I didn’t want to (I would be talking just like the LW in this situation). I’m puzzled that the other two guys not only didn’t get the guy’s messages right, but didn’t catch on that the LW actually does want the relationship.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray August 28, 2014, 12:53 pm

      I agree. I think Brian got it right, and not just because I like Brian’s beard.
      *
      BGM, why am I agreeing with you all the time lately? I feel like I’m turning into Bittergayaddie

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    • avatar

      mainer August 28, 2014, 1:47 pm

      Well, here’s the way I interpreted the letter. It appeared that this girl was game-face fuck-buddying it. Starts out all business – text to meet up, screw, and move on. Now, with all FWB situations, someone always falls and makes it something more. Up until this letter, leading scientists have always believed it was the woman who did this, as a woman who only wanted sex without any sort of emotional involvement was largely a mythical creature. But instead, in a startling discovery, the guy fell for the girl when she was happy with the way things were going. I interpreted this based on her claiming “anti-FWB” things started happening and wondering why this guy all of a sudden did a 180 on her. I interpreted it as this: Look, we’re banging, that’s it. Don’t get jealous, don’t confess your love for me, and don’t text me telling me about your boring god damn job. And definitely don’t invite me over to spoon and kiss my forehead and call it a night.
      .
      Also referenced by the fact that this guy obviously didn’t make any attempt to correct his friends when they refer to her as “his girl.” I mean, they obviously talked about her, and if I was just sleeping with someone and one of my friends asked “hey, where’s your girl tonight?” I’d certainly respond with, “not sure, but she’s also not my girl, we’re just sleeping together” rather than “I don’t know, but she’s awesome, right?”
      .
      I actually don’t think this girl wants anything more from this guy than sex. But that was just my interpretation. I’ve never been very good at finding the meaning-behind-the-meaning of a woman’s literary tale on the inner workings of her sex life and what she’s really hinting at.

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      • avatar

        Dennis Hong August 28, 2014, 2:02 pm

        ^What he said. Sure, drunk guys babble nonsensical things, but from my experience, guys also don’t blather on this emphatically about their FWB’s. I didn’t see this as drunken BS, but rather, drunken heart-pouring.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. August 28, 2014, 10:40 am

    If a guy tells you he loves you when he’s plastered drunk. but never when he’s sober, does it count?

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    • Portia

      Portia August 28, 2014, 10:59 am

      I’d like to know, too. Same with mid- or post-sex, does that count?

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy August 28, 2014, 11:15 am

      No.

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    • Kate B.

      Kate B. August 28, 2014, 1:16 pm

      I was inclined to say no, but I was curious.

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      • avatar

        Sunshine Brite August 28, 2014, 1:41 pm

        Phew! I would’ve loved a LOT more people over the years if it counted

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        lets_be_honest August 28, 2014, 1:54 pm

        The first time I said I love you to my boyfriend was during sex. I didn’t mean it.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. August 28, 2014, 2:56 pm

        Yeah. I f we were at the zoo, say, sitting on a bench eating lunch and I got pissed because a %^& seagull stole my hot dog, and then he said he loved me, I might think he meant it.

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  • Amanda

    Amanda August 28, 2014, 10:49 am

    Look, there’s no way to know exactly what he’s feeling unless you talk about it. Either way, though, I think he’s embarrassed. Either because A) he does have stronger feelings for you and didn’t mean to word-vomit them out or B) he was incredibly plastered and doesn’t feel that way at all and isn’t sure how you feel. (Side not: I don’t think you even know how you feel.)
    So. Figure you out. And then – talk to him. Boom. Problem solved.

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  • avatar

    Laura Hope August 28, 2014, 12:36 pm

    About a month into a FWB relationship with this guy, he asked me to marry him. I was completely blindsided. I had just assumed that we were on the same page but I learned that you cannot make assumptions, you have to communicate and that things change.

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    • avatar

      MsMisery August 28, 2014, 1:05 pm

      I’d be rather blindsided a month into any relationship. Unless you’re a Duggar kid, that’s some pretty fast movin’.

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  • sobriquet

    sobriquet August 28, 2014, 1:34 pm

    Don’t read into those actions. Really, don’t. They’re too insignificant to warrant analyzation. This isn’t a 90’s teen rom-com. If he can’t communicate with you about how he feels, then his feelings (in the sense of relationship seriousness) don’t really matter. Same with you. You can’t just live in limbo land, reading “signals” and analyzing text messages. Ask him where his head is at. Be sober. Tell him where your head is that. Have a good discussion about it (or if it’s not good, pay attention to his response/reaction). Paying attention to a guy’s reaction to a simple relationship question is one of the best things I learned to do for myself while dating.

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  • avatar

    Laura Hope August 28, 2014, 1:45 pm

    Ms. Misery, you’re right. I should have mentioned that we were friends without benefits for a few years before that. That’s why I felt blindsided.

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  • avatar

    sarita_f August 28, 2014, 4:29 pm

    Holy cow, USE YOUR WORDS.

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    • avatar

      Lucy August 28, 2014, 5:40 pm

      Haha, I came here to say exactly this.

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