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His Take: “He Never Wants to Have Sex With Me”

His Take questions are answered by our panel of smart, opinionated, and funny dudes.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about two years now. We live together and get along great on a daily basis, but we have no romantic or intimate life. He was romantic when we first met, to win me over I guess, but now it’s like pulling teeth. He never wants to leave the house. He goes to the gym and is home all the time. I suggest things we can do, but there’s always an excuse. I found out part of the reason is from having social anxiety, but it’s still really difficult for me. He has yet to introduce me to any of his family. He is not close with them at all and says that they know about me and would love me, but he doesn’t say “I love you.” He said that, even if he did love me, he would never say it and that I need to be okay with that because he is uncomfortable with expressing his emotions. He does show me he loves me in weird little ways which I have come to appreciate, but it’s not the same as him expressing it physically or verbally.

And the sex… well, there is hardly any. He barely has a sex drive. Once a month is good enough for him, but not me (I’m a once-a-day kind of girl). Even when we are intimate, it’s me initiating. I have to ask him to kiss back, and he watches TV while I do things to him. He’s gotten a little better with reciprocating, but I still notice him watching TV. He gets into the sex part, but once he’s done we are done. I’ve tried so much to get a better sex life, from flat-out telling him I want to have more sex to introducing new fun ideas to threatening to sleep with someone else (I know that’s not right and I don’t say that anymore). I’ve asked him what we can do to spice up our sex life, and he doesn’t want to talk about it. He acts as if it’s a gross conversation.

I’ve noticed that he watches porn on the computer, and I’ve suggested watching porn together, but he cringes like it’s wrong. When I talk about masturbating, he thinks it’s disgusting. He says that his lack of interest in sex is not because he doesn’t feel attracted to me or that he doesn’t have feelings for me — it’s just that he doesn’t like being intimate. Or he doesn’t need sex. Or it’s too much emotion for him. I can’t be sure what it is because he doesn’t want to talk about it.

He’s a good guy and he does take care of me. We have trust, and I know he’s not cheating. He’s not a liar. We talk about having a future together, moving into another place, saving money, marriage, kids, etc., but then I think, I haven’t even meet your parents. I love him a lot; I just don’t know how I can get him to understand that he needs to do more to keep me around. I really want this to work out. Please help me. — Not Getting It

Screen Shot 2014-01-08 at 7.14.33 PMBrian: You clearly have the need for and deserve something much more substantial than once-a-month sex with a live-in boyfriend who won’t introduce you to his family, not to mention his wholly insulting act of watching television while “you do things to him.” Is he live blogging “Dancing With the Stars” for work? If so, maybe leave him alone, because he’s probably going to get fired for accidentally Tweeting “aahhhhhhhhhhh yeeaaaah” and he may be secretly attracted to women in frightening amounts of pancake makeup. Otherwise, this one “quirk” alone is almost outrageous enough to split up over; coupled with him never initiating sex and having to ask him to kiss you back, you have quite the depressing situation on your hands. (Do you have an infected lip piercing or something? Otherwise: no excuses.)

The more I reread this, the more offended I am on your behalf. It sounds like he’s a good guy outside of this admittedly vast array of relationship issues, meaning that you guys are going to make really swell friends. Better yet, you two are clearly incompatible, so I’d put 50 bucks on the breakup being an amicable relief for you both.

unnamedGuy Friday: Setting aside the obvious red flags with the family things and the “languages of love” incompatibility — and understanding that I’m not a doctor, nor did I sleep at a Holiday Inn last night — low testosterone actually explains all of these things: lack of sex drive, depression, loss of energy, anxiety (which could relate to his fear of introducing you to his family, strange as that may be), etc. His aversion to watching porn with you may be him trying to use it to get aroused enough for sex, and you being there is a psychic link to his failure. It’s a vicious cycle thing: he lets you down, which stresses him out, which makes him feel he’s letting you down more…you get the idea. Threatening to sleep with other people isn’t going to help that either.

Basically, you can lay down the law and tell him he needs to make more of an effort or you’re walking away. It’s OK to do that. Just don’t do it if you’re not prepared for him to give you an answer you don’t want to hear.

lo-res-175Jarek: Well, look on the bright side – this guy is pretty easy to read. You don’t need to worry about mixed messages, whether he has someone on the side, ever getting pregnant, or if he is getting too much sun. He is the crystal ball of the decades to follow should you stay with him. Just don’t expect him to become the man you want; expect him to continue being the man you stayed with — a man who never leaves the house, is emotionally detached, and prefers watching TV over getting a blowjob.

I know you may feel secure being in a relationship, or worried you’ll never find someone if you’re single again, or any host of reasons why people decide to “ride it out” in the hopes it will “get better.” But you need to figure out what you value in a relationship and try not to settle for a bike with a missing wheel. The benefit of modern day dating is after you get to know the real him, you get to decide if you want this to be the rest of your life. You’re still in a position to make that decision. Just be happy you are seeing this side of him now, rather than after 10 years of marriage.

Art Allen: So you’re with a guy who treats you well but doesn’t sleep with you? Congratulations! You have a friend-friend.

Whether or not he’s cheating, he’s not sexing you. That’s a big problem. He doesn’t like talking about sex, he doesn’t need sex (?!), and he thinks it’s too much emotion? These all sound like deflections. Deflections from what? Who knows. But it doesn’t matter: tell him flat out that he can either get in or he can get out.

If you’d like to ask the guys a question, email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with “His Take” in the subject line and I’ll pass your question along to them.

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{ 73 comments… add one }

avatar TECH February 5, 2014, 9:08 am

LW, you have to be okay with the man your boyfriend is right now, not the man you hope he becomes. So let’s get this straight. You’ve been together 2 years and you still haven’t met his family. He doesn’t want to have sex. He doesn’t want to talk about his emotions. He suffers from anxiety that he seems to be making no effort to overcome. He doesn’t say “I love you.”

You’re obviously not okay with all these things. I repeat, in order to stay in this relationship, you need to be okay with the man your boyfriend is right now. MOA.

Stonegypsy Stonegypsy February 5, 2014, 9:19 am

LW, why do you want this to work out so much? You don’t like your boyfriend. I mean, I’m sure you love him and you like the person that you see that he could be if he would just change 10-15 aspects of his personality that he’s told you aren’t going to change.
You aren’t sexually compatible. You aren’t emotionally compatible. You aren’t really socially compatible (he never wants to go anywhere, I’m assuming you do).
WHY do you want this to work out so much? It’s not going to work out. It shouldn’t work out. You’re not going to be happy in this relationship.

GatorGirl GatorGirl February 5, 2014, 9:23 am

I’m sure others will have great advice, but FFS turn off the tv! If you don’t want him looking over your shoulder, turn the damn thing off.

This is why I don’t like tv in the bedroom.

Nookie Nookie February 5, 2014, 9:46 am

We got a new bed this weekend and we discovered the ones with a place to put a TV right into it! Craziness!

muchachaenlaventana muchachaenlaventana February 5, 2014, 10:04 am

Yeah there will never be a TV in my bedroom, ever ever.

Addie Pray Addie Pray February 5, 2014, 10:20 am

Now see, I think a TV in the bedroom is the best invention ever! Lying down, snuggling Moose under the covers, watching my DVR’d shows in bed is the BEST – especially in winter. I also like eating and drinking in bed. I do everything in bed.

Addie Pray Addie Pray February 5, 2014, 10:30 am

Random side note: when I was a kid I used to think it would be so cool if all the roads turned into beds – like a giant continuous mattress – and then we could bounce all around town. Then my neighbor got one of those big trampolines – the coolest thing I ever saw – and I edited my dream a bit: it would so much cooler if all the roads were trampolines, not mattresses, then we could REALLY bounce all over town. Now that I’m older and wiser and more mature, I think it would be cooler if the roads were actually pool lanes except instead of water, the lanes would be miles and miles of Cheetos 5-feet deep, and we could paddle around town, through the Cheetos, and Cheetos dust would be everywhere and you could eat all the Cheetos you want and you could climb around and hear them go crunch crunch crunch under your feet. That would be so cool. But of course they would have to be Cheetos Puffs. Puffs are the best. In order of preference they go: puffs (big or small), crunchy, balls, and then the gross jalapeno-flavored-Cheetos. Nasty. Why would you ever mess with a perfect thing by adding jalapeno-flavoring to Cheetos? Someone was clearly high on Cheetos dust when they thought that was a good idea.

Ok, end of Cheetos rant.

avatar TECH February 5, 2014, 11:26 am

You have the best imagination, AP. I want to borrow your imagination for one day.

muchachaenlaventana muchachaenlaventana February 5, 2014, 10:43 am

haha that’s what my lap-top and netflix are for.

Addie Pray Addie Pray February 5, 2014, 10:47 am

You gotta get Netflix to play from your TV. I imagine heaven being a lot of TVs ALL with Netflix streaming… and lots of Cheetos and burritos. And puppies.

GatorGirl GatorGirl February 5, 2014, 10:48 am

Yup! We ocassionally watch a show on the laptop/iPad in bed, it works since we do it so rarely!

honeybeenicki honeybeenicki February 5, 2014, 10:40 am

I like my TV in my bedroom (for many reasons – gives me something to do/look at when I can’t sleep, gives us a reason to stay in bed and snuggle other than the obvious reasons to do that, makes it so I can go to bed early with my husband even if I’m not tired yet, etc) but in this instance, the damn thing needs to be turned off. I mean, I’d be totally pissed if my husband was watching TV while I’m doing whatever to him.

GatorGirl GatorGirl February 5, 2014, 10:49 am

Yeah, tv in the bedrooms a hot topic, but tv should never interfere with or be more important than sex. I think we can all agree with that!

Addie Pray Addie Pray February 5, 2014, 10:56 am

I’ve never agreed with you more! Except now that I think about it – I might disagree if, for example the DVR is broken and your only choice is to watch, say, Mad Men in real time… I’d say sex has to wait. What do you say?

avatar jlyfsh February 5, 2014, 10:59 am

i’d miss part of mad men for sex, but not walking dead. although now you can buy those episodes on amazon instant so really the question is, is sex worth the 1.99 per episode you have to pay to watch it later instead of real time?

othy othy February 5, 2014, 12:18 pm

People still watch TV shows in real time? This is what DVR’s and Netflix are for.

avatar jlyfsh February 5, 2014, 1:11 pm

Haha yeah in AP’s world your DVR and netflix are broken, what do you doooooo? ;)

othy othy February 5, 2014, 2:44 pm

Contact the cable company to get a new one?

muchachaenlaventana muchachaenlaventana February 5, 2014, 11:02 am

My boyfriend would agree with this, I don’t see the value in real-time TV much anymore since its all so widely available online or like on demand through cable, but I just am not that into TV>

GatorGirl GatorGirl February 5, 2014, 11:05 am

I’d say buy it online later. Sex is more important!

honeybeenicki honeybeenicki February 5, 2014, 11:35 am

I definitely agree. Sex > TV.

avatar jlyfsh February 5, 2014, 9:34 am

You might really want this to work, but in reality you can’t make it work by yourself. You both have to be willing to put effort in. Rather than trying to make him change, which obviously conversations requesting change have been shot down. Ask yourself if you could be happy married to him if nothing changes. If you can’t, tell him that. Tell him that you can’t see a future with him that looks like this and he either needs to be willing to find middle ground or you have to go. And if you go that route be serious about it.

avatar Laura Hope February 5, 2014, 9:36 am

Wow! This guy’s a keeper!

avatar Morgan February 5, 2014, 9:47 am

You do know how babies are made, right? Because if you’re talking about kids but never having sex…

Also, look, this guy is not interested in an intimate relationship with you. Maybe he’s depressed. Maybe he’s gay. Maybe he’s asexual. Maybe he’s super emotionally stunted in a lot of ways and this is a side effect of that. Maybe whatever. If you aren’t happy with him as he is now, and he has no intention of ever being any other way, then MOA.

avatar ktfran February 5, 2014, 9:54 am

This guy needs therapy and you, LW, need to MOA. Unless you’re ok in a life long relationship with your best friend and nothing more, which I suspect you’re not, then by all means, ride it out.

I guess some people are can make relationships work solely for companionship. And that’s great if both partners want that. But if one wants something different, like you do LW, then it doesn’t make much sense to stay. You’ll be forever unhappy.

And I seriously think this guy could benefit from a therapist. I mean, watching TV while you do stuff to him. What the fuck?

avatar artsygirl February 5, 2014, 9:56 am

Christ on a cracker, LW, please aim higher. You are not happy, he isn’t likely happy, and there is nothing in the foreseeable future which suggests that anything is going to change.

avatar tangerbean February 5, 2014, 9:57 am

When you finally move on (and you will because it’s never going to change and you sound miserable), you’re going to look back and wonder why you wasted so much time in a situation that doesn’t give you what you need. Is he the worst guy ever? No. But is he the best for you? Certainly doesn’t seem like it. Find one that makes you excited about your relationship!

muchachaenlaventana muchachaenlaventana February 5, 2014, 9:59 am

I just do not get why you are with this guy? You have now wasted two years of your life with someone who you are hoping to miraculously change into something he has never been throughout your entire relationship? I mean you are dating some made up creation you hope will come to be one day. Move on and find someone better for you. I really don’t understand this at all! I mean, I am just confused. MOA

Fabelle Fabelle February 5, 2014, 10:06 am

It’s one thing to be like, “oh, our sex life has become dull, we’re having a dry spell/our drives are slightly mismatched” but this is another thing entirely. He doesn’t want sex. Like, at all. Plus: all the other issues. You can find a much more fulfilling relationship if you move on.

Amanda Amanda February 5, 2014, 10:06 am

Call me crazy but threatening to sleep with someone else is not a sign of a great relationship.

Anyway – kudos to you for knowing what you want and doing everything you can to get it. Seriously. There’s an awful lot of people who don’t do that. However, MOA. You and he are not compatible (on quite a few levels, too).

Lee Lee February 5, 2014, 10:13 am

I dated someone like this once. I tried desperately to fix the situation and pretended like I was happy. Deep down I thought that if I tried hard enough to be the “cool” girlfriend he would change and I would be happy. It turned out that neither of these things were true. I confronted him and he admitted that he wasn’t able to figure out if he loved me so he had been slowly pulling away. It hurt really bad to hear, but when we finally broke up there really was a sense of relief on both sides. I kept thinking there was something I could have done to make things better. I took two things away from that relationship – 1. Sometimes when someone says “it’s not you, it’s me” they mean it. & 2. Two people can be very nice, lovely people who are just not compatible in a relationship. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with either of them, they’re just not right together.

Addie Pray Addie Pray February 5, 2014, 10:22 am

WEES. Also, hi boys!

avatar lemongrass February 5, 2014, 10:23 am

Sooooo you have a roommate?

avatar Casey February 5, 2014, 10:34 am

That’s exactly what I was thinking! Except for the “watching TV while I do stuff to him”, I’ve had male roommates treat me better than this guy treats LW.

avatar lemongrass February 5, 2014, 10:27 am

Wendy, where’s your hubby? Just kidding guys, calm down (on the hubby part). You two should do a she said/he said column where you both give advice to the same letter.

avatar shanshantastic February 5, 2014, 11:08 am

Ooh, I like this! Especially if they disagree. :)

Amanda Amanda February 5, 2014, 11:33 am

Love this idea!

BriarRose BriarRose February 5, 2014, 10:34 am

This seems like a really sad situation, and I get wanting things to work out, but trust me, you will feel insanely relieved once you give yourself permission to break up with this guy. I dated a guy for about 6 months last year who was seriously so nice and attentive, but the physical aspect just wasn’t there for me. Sex was mediocre at best and never lasted very long. I felt like the worst person EVER in the history of the world for wanting to break up with him for just that one reason (there were a few others, but it was the main one), but I knew I couldn’t live my whole life that sad and unsatisfied.

After we broke up, I felt nothing but relief. Free and happy and relieved! I met someone else about 4 months later and we have amazing sex. So yeah. You’re “allowed” to break up with someone you’re not sexually compatible with, for realz. Please do it soon before it messes with your self-esteem.

honeybeenicki honeybeenicki February 5, 2014, 10:38 am

So, I had the same thought as Guy Friday – that this could be low testosterone. But, since he (your bf, not Guy Friday) obviously is ok with how things are, it doesn’t matter what the cause is. He doesn’t want to change and has basically told you to take him as he is. Believe him and do yourself a favor and MOA.

You’re not happy, he’s not happy. You’re not sexually compatible (really, watching TV while you “do stuff” to him?), not emotionally compatible (you obviously need to be able to talk/discuss and hear “I love you” and if he did love you, he’d make an effort to say it even if he’s uncomfortable with it), or socially compatible.

Also, if you’ve discussed marriage, kids, etc, have you discussed how that is going to happen? I mean, in order to have babies you generally need to have sex since I’m pretty sure my mom’s story about babies coming from the cabbage patch was a bunch of bullshit.

othy othy February 5, 2014, 12:21 pm

I thought kids came from storks. Didn’t you see the Toy Story short?

avatar starpattern February 5, 2014, 10:48 am

I don’t know, it’s one thing to put in effort, and another entirely to “do stuff to him” while he WATCHES TV in an attempt to have something that faintly resembles intimacy. Seriously. If you have to try this hard in a relationship, it is dead. Dead, dead, dead.

Also, this: “He said that, even if he did love me, he would never say it and that I need to be okay with that because he is uncomfortable with expressing his emotions.” My boyfriend and I have not exchanged I Love Yous, but if he said that to me I would end it immediately. Not being really verbal with affection is one thing. Telling your partner (of two years!) you don’t love her and would never admit it if you did is flat out cruel.

Amanda Amanda February 5, 2014, 10:53 am

Okay. Yeah. I totally missed the “even if he did love me” part. Two years and he basically just tolerates you? Run, run, RUN.

avatar shanshantastic February 5, 2014, 11:16 am

Yeah, that was basically a very roundabout way of saying he doesn’t love you. And after two years I don’t think he ever will. Sorry, LW.

avatar shanshantastic February 5, 2014, 11:16 am

Yeah, that was basically a very roundabout way of saying he doesn’t love you. And after two years I don’t think he ever will. Sorry, LW.

avatar Miss MJ February 5, 2014, 10:52 am

Babies don’t come from cabbage patches!?!?!?!?

WEES, LW. I’m sure there are things you like about this guy, but he isn’t what you want in a BF, so MOA from that and just be friends with this guy. You will both be happier.

avatar MMcG February 5, 2014, 11:14 am

Of course not Miss MJ! They come wrapped in a pink or blue blankey from a stork… jeez ;-)

avatar lemongrass February 5, 2014, 12:19 pm

Tell that to my vagina. Too far?

avatar MMcG February 5, 2014, 1:40 pm

Tee hee… not at all… I’m just entering the phase of pregnancy where I’m sad that there isn’t a delivery system that doesn’t involve my vagina :-)

avatar lemongrass February 5, 2014, 3:14 pm

Don’t be! I swear I’m not a hippy but if you are prepared for it and have a good support team then natural childbirth can be a really positive experience. I loved my birth and it really gave me a new confidence in my body.

avatar MMcG February 5, 2014, 11:11 am

The moment I had to ask my partner to kiss me back would be the moment that my foot would be up his ass and then I would walk out the door.

Notice too how the few times you have sex he gets himself off and then it is done… has he ever given you an orgasm? Made any effort?? Not that it matters (see above for clear bright line rule) but why do you keep putting out and putting up with this guy?

avatar sarolabelle February 5, 2014, 1:17 pm

I could understand if he was ill, on his way to the bathroom, or had just put a bite of food in his mouth. Or had stinky breath. But those are the only kissy refusal times.

bondbabe bondbabe February 5, 2014, 11:35 am

As I was reading this, the two biggest things that came to the forefront were: he is likely depressed and/or he has low testerone—he needs to have a complete physical done, stat!! These lethargic excuses and actions just don’t jive. It would be in his best interest, first, to eliminate any potential physical and/or mental “abnormalities,” and yours, second, whether you stay together or not.

avatar Abby Normal February 5, 2014, 11:45 am

I’d MOA since he seems content with the relationship at the level it’s currently at and doesn’t seem motivated to change. I dated a guy who acted exactly like this who acted romantic in the beginning and then completely quit being intimate once we were dating. We never had sex, but once we started dating, he refused to even make out or kiss me. He was pretty religious and told me the reason he quit being intimate was that sex and everything that goes along with it were wrong and dirty and he felt highly uncomfortable being intimate, so if he’s religious, that might play into his lack of affection as well. I broke up with him shortly after and a few weeks later, I felt nothing but relief and knew I made the right choice for me. So break up with him because you deserve so much better and there is someone out there who is romantic and interested in sex and who would happily share both of those things with you.

avatar rachel February 5, 2014, 11:54 am

I’m with Art. This guy is just your friend. And, he’s not even a GOOD friend, since no friend wants this kind of non-relationship for people they care about.

avatar kerrycontrary February 5, 2014, 11:57 am

Aim Higher. Really. This is sad that women/men stay with partners who are basically leaches that do nothing with their lives.

avatar Lily in NYC February 5, 2014, 11:59 am

Oh, OP, it makes me sad that you are settling for stale crumbs with this dude. Think about what you COULD have – a guy who is happy when he sees you, actually wants to have sex with you and doesn’t make you have to ask for affection. Someone to spoon at night, someone to make you feel loved and appreciated; someone who doesn’t take you for granted. And who wants to include you in his family instead of not being willing to introduce you at all. It’s hard to see it from inside because you are so used to it by now, but this is no way to live. And it will only get worse if you stay. PLEASE dump him and you will probably be so much happier in a very short while.

mylaray mylaray February 5, 2014, 12:00 pm

This guy has a lot of issues outside of your relationship, ones you can’t fix. Your issues are more than not being sexually compatible. He doesn’t act like you’re in a relationship, and so I don’t get why you’re holding on to him so much? I mean I do get it, because I have been there, but trust me, it’s not worth it. You deserve someone who you don’t have to put up with, someone who actually wants to be with you and be present, not someone who is so detached or depressed that watching TV is more exciting than sex.

avatar iseeshiny February 5, 2014, 12:03 pm

Wait, you moved with someone before he said he loved you? Before you met his family? Before you found out about his social anxiety? YOU’RE PLANNING A FUTURE WITH SOMEONE WHO THINKS TALKING ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE IS GROSS? I mean, I guess that would be fine if you both were on the same page, but you’re obviously not and it’s not going to change.
.
I swear to you that there are men out there who have the qualities you like about him (are decent, trustworthy, will take care of you – just look for someone who has a healthy and happy dog, they’ve probably got the right idea) but will also be in love with you and tell you so, will be delighted to introduce you to his family, to go out with you, to go out with his friends and want to meet yours, and to turn off the tv while you have sex. These are actually really reasonable expectations and the bare minimum for a long term relationship.
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It’s also not unreasonable to look for a sense of humor, ability to hold down a job, happy to do his share of the housework, hold up his end of an interesting conversation about things you both like to talk about, thoughtfulness, etc. You are choosing a life partner, so be choosy!

CatsMeow CatsMeow February 5, 2014, 12:45 pm

It’s been TWO YEARS, honey. He’s not going to change. What are you even getting out of this “relationship”?

avatar bethany February 5, 2014, 12:56 pm

Sounds like an awesome relationship! What’s the problem?

Seriously, MOA. This sounds horrible and not worth working on.

Lyra Lyra February 5, 2014, 1:16 pm

Uhh…how is he such a great boyfriend if he doesn’t go out with you, doesn’t say I love you, and doesn’t satisfy you physically? I mean, you have to tell him to kiss you back! That’s messed up. Not to mention it’s pretty obvious he’s emotionally detached from you. That isn’t what a healthy relationship looks like. You’re afraid of the unknown which is understandable, but there’s no way you are going to have your needs met in this relationship.

bittergaymark Bittergaymark February 5, 2014, 1:29 pm

Um, the ONLY time he recreationally leaves the house is to hit the gym?

Gay. And very closeted at that.

Northern Mermaid Northern Mermaid February 5, 2014, 1:44 pm

I had the same thought.

avatar rachel February 5, 2014, 2:20 pm

That does seem like a strong possibility.

avatar MsMisery February 5, 2014, 1:38 pm

I was getting ready to sympathize with the guy re: social anxiety. I have that issue, too. I can do loads of stuff by myself (errands and whatnot) but a friend inviting me OUT is paralyzing. But then I kept reading and there was a whole lot of unsympathetic mess to this boyfriend. Like Guy Friday, I suspect some sort of chemical imbalance or depression, just due to the physical issues. Unless he is asexual, he should not have such a low interest in sex. But the fact that he doesn’t seem to CARE about how any of this bothers the LW is the worst part. There might be something to save if he cared enough to try.

avatar melancholia February 5, 2014, 2:06 pm

Rather than speculate as to what his problem is. Just MOA. Dump him. He obviously cannot give you anything you need in regard to your emotional and physical needs. He is not right for you. Don’t try and force it. Cut your losses and move on before it’s too late.

avatar AndreaMarie February 5, 2014, 3:14 pm

LW you need to figure out why you want this relationship to work so bad and why you havent moved on despite the enormous reasons why you should. Are you afraid of being alone or not being able to find someone? Forget about just the lack of sex life, you are lacking a complete relationship. First up, you don’t seem to be compatable in anything. You want to go out and do things, he wants to stay home. You want to develop a future together, he won’t introduce you to his family. You want sex and intimacy, he doesn’t. What is it that makes you guys click again? And I’m sorry LW but this guy is not a partner to you. You have put in all of the effort to improve things and he not only won’t meet you half way, he won’t move an inch. You are willing to make compromises and work with him and he won’t budge. He doesn’t care about or respect your feelings at all. You’ve expressed your feelings about sex and he doesn’t respect you enough to even have the conversation with you. And the fact that he told you he will never say I Love You. In this case the words don’t even matter, he’s not even showing you that he loves you. The man watched TV while you were performing oral on him!! You were showing him intimacy and caring and he watched TV. This isn’t about low T or sex drive, even if he wasn’t aroused sexual by the act that doesn’t mean he cant feel the intimacy with you. Christ! This man doesn’t want a relationship, he wants someone to split rent with and keep him company on the couch.

avatar AndreaMarie February 5, 2014, 3:15 pm

Also, have you really thought about a future with this guy? Does that include having children? Are you ok with him not telling your kids that he loves them or showing them emotion? Are you ok with him not participating in your childrens lives outside of the house?

redessa redessa February 5, 2014, 3:25 pm

“….how I can get him to understand that he needs to do more to keep me around?”

Clearly he doesn’t have to do anything more to keep you around because you’re still there after two years of this. The way to get him to understand that he’s going to lose you is for it to actually happen. As in you pack up your stuff and leave. If he wants you back, he’ll have to work for it. I wouldn’t count on him making the effort though. And if he did, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t last long.

You can accept what he’s willing to offer – which isn’t much. Or you can move on. Those are your choices and you only have control over your own choices. You don’t get to decide how he acts.

avatar Ammie February 5, 2014, 5:21 pm

Unless Guy Friday’s right and there’s a medical explanation for his lack of libido, this doesn’t seem like a solvable problem (or one worth solving, considering the other additional issues). Maybe he’s gay, or maybe he has a secret fetish that’s the only way he can get off but he’s too ashamed to share it (possible explanations for the porn thing), or whatever, but does it matter? He’s not acting like a boyfriend, and you want a boyfriend. So go get one. Life’s too short to waste being unhappy. There are plenty of guys out there who will want to bone more than once a month.

theattack theattack February 5, 2014, 5:57 pm

Even if Guy Friday is right, and he very well might be, I don’t think this can work. This guy isn’t trying at all. He has no interest in making the physical parts of their relationship better, and he has no interest in showing her any love whatsoever. No problem can be fixed with someone who’s not even willing to talk about having a problem, let alone lacking the motivation to fix it.

theattack theattack February 5, 2014, 5:52 pm

It’s one thing to struggle with these problems. Many couples go through sexual problems. I just don’t see how you could possibly be happy with a major sexual problem, a major emotional problem, and someone who has no interest in improving things. Honestly he sounds disrespectful to you about all of this too. I think he’s not capable of having a real relationship right now. Or maybe he’s gay, I don’t know.

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson February 5, 2014, 6:39 pm

“I just don’t see how you could possibly be happy with a major sexual problem, a major emotional problem, and someone who has no interest in improving things.”

Right? It’s the trifecta of death.

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