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His Take: “He Won’t Even Answer My Facebook Messages!”

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His Take questions are answered by our panel of smart, opinionated, and funny dudes.

I had this guy friend in high school and we could never date because we were always with other people. He went off to the Army and I went to college. Four years later now, we have been talking again. It started through email because he was gone in the Army. He came back for a month and we had a great time together and we agreed to date. His family has mentioned how much he talked about me while he was home. They act like he is obsessed with me. He even admitted how much he likes me. But now that he’s gone away again I hardly hear from him.

My mom and I are both Facebook friends with him. I sent him one message and my mom sent him a message. He answered my mom’s messages three times and still hasn’t bothered with mine. He will text me instead of call. I had to beg him to call me. Since he left three weeks ago, I have only talked to him once and he texted me for about ten minutes two nights ago. That’s it. I notice him getting online and commenting to people and posting photos and he still hasn’t answered my Facebook message. Does this mean that he has met someone? Does he no longer want to date? I don’t feel like I am being dramatic because others are noticing his distance too. Should I be doing something? — Still Waiting for a Facebook Reply

AndrewDrew: That is too funny! I was just Facebook chatting with your mom and she was saying the same thing! (She, among others, has noticed his distance). Geez, those army guys, they’re all alike. One minute you think they’re obsessed you, then three weeks later they’re completely pre-occupied with fighting the Taliban. Maybe it’s time to walk away and start over while you still can. Otherwise you’re going to wake up one morning and realize you just wasted another three whole weeks of your life.
Sorry, gotta run. Your Mom is messaging me back and I don’t want to leave her hanging. Good luck with all your stuff!

Screen Shot 2014-01-09 at 11.40.36 AMDiablo
In less than a month, you pressed the negotiations with your long-time friend to get him to “agree to date.” You latch onto his family’s comments that you think prove he likes you, maybe even is obsessed with you. You keep count of how many times he responded to or commented to other people and how many minutes he spent texting you. You beg him to call you. You talk to other people about how he is distant. Uhh, this is drama and you need to be cool.

This guy is an old friend, right? If you can be cool, there are two possible outcomes. One, he wants to date you, in which case, he’ll make that happen. Two, he doesn’t want to date you, but if you are cool, you won’t make him feel weird or lose him as a friend. The third option is you could choose not to be cool (see first paragraph above). If he doesn’t want to date you, the dramatics won’t change that, but you could lose the friendship. If he is interested, your chances of freaking him out and making the friendship awkward are much higher.

Just… be cool. Have yourself a cocktail. Be a bit above it all. Don’t develop strong feelings way in advance of your intended, because that’s a recipe for being out of synch.

Screen Shot 2014-01-09 at 7.52.22 AMTax Geek I’m afraid I have some bad news. It sounds like this guy may have been obsessed with you, or had a fantasy version of you in his head, but it’s possible — maybe even likely — that the fantasy wore out and reality set in. That doesn’t mean you did anything wrong — just that reality did not measure up to fantasy. But then reality almost never lives up to fantasy, so please don’t be too hard on yourself. Another possibility is that he doesn’t want to be in a long distance relationship right now. Again, reality may have gotten in the way. Should he have discussed his feelings? Absolutely. But that’s on him, not you.

My advice: Try to let this guy go and MOA. Yes, the fact that he won’t respond to you stinks. Whether you want to see him if he comes back into town is up to you. Maybe he will want to see you then. But then again, maybe by moving on you will have given yourself a chance to find someone else. And that would be good news.

Art Allen: Yeah. You should be dating anyone else. The fact that he hasn’t messaged you back means he’s more than likely doing a phase out. Maybe he’s nervous and doesn’t know what to say, maybe he thinks talking to your mom is the same as talking to you. But honestly, he’s probably not interested anymore. I can’t say why — maybe it’s another lady, maybe it’s ten other ladies, maybe it’s you, maybe it’s the distance thing, no one knows! — but I can say he’s not interested right now.

You are, I’d guess, between 21 and 23. That is prime dating age. This guy may be great, but he’s not magical. There are literally 3.4 billion other men out there. Pick another one.

If you’d like to ask the guys a question, email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with “His Take” in the subject line and I’ll pass your question along to them.

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{ 76 comments… add one }

  • avatar Lucy February 19, 2014, 9:07 am

    Ha. Drew’s response FTW.

    I should be able to remember this, but I can’t. What did silly drama queens obsess about before Facebook?

    • Nookie Nookie February 19, 2014, 9:22 am

      Texting? Calling?

    • avatar Banana February 19, 2014, 10:21 am

      Yeah, Drew’s was my favorite because he was the only one who pointed out that the guy might be less responsive to her because he’s DOING ARMY STUFF. Even if he’s not deployed oversees, he could be in very intensive training right now — being in the military is not exactly an easy job. So, he’s posting on other friends’ walls — maybe because doing that is less emotionally draining than responding to a (drama-loving, kind of clingy?) long-distance girlfriend of three weeks. It’s possible he just lost interest, and it’s also possible he decided to fade out when he realized that having a dramatic girlfriend is too much work when you’re in the military ta the same time.
      *
      I wish everyone who ever wanted to date someone in the military understood that it’s not going to be the same as a civilian relationship. You are basically dating the military, and participating in the military lifestyle. You have to get used to limited communication sometimes. You have to get used to long-distance, and sudden moves. You have to get used to the idea of being in a supportive role when your partner is in a dangerous situation — he or she probably doesn’t have the energy to listen to your long story about your mom’s FB messages and how hurt they make you feel after a day of being in mortal peril. Does that mean that sometimes the relationship is unbalanced and a little unfair? Yes. Does that mean that you might put a lot in, emotionally, while waiting for the small snatches of time when you get some of that emotional investment back? Yes. If you’re not prepared to handle those things, DON’T DATE SOMEONE IN THE MILITARY. I know lots of military couples (some, in my own family) who are very happy, but their happiness is due in large part to how realistic the civilian partner was about the sacrifices of being with someone in the military.

      • avatar NavyWife February 19, 2014, 2:45 pm

        All of this is so true, and I completely agree. My husband is a Navy pilot…of the 4 years we have been together (dating/engagement/married), he has been deployed over half that time. In fact, he was gone 12 of the 17 months we dated before getting engaged! Military life is not for the clingy, dependent, or emotionally high-maintenance.

    • avatar MsMisery February 19, 2014, 12:54 pm

      Writing notes? “He hasn’t written me back yet! What does that MEAN??” Or “He signed the note love/sincerely/later dude!! What does that MEAN?!?” Or “This note is double-spaced whereas my note to him was SINGLE-SPACED! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!?!111″

    • sobriquet sobriquet February 19, 2014, 3:39 pm

      Myspace. “He kicked me out of his Top 8! Does he still like me?!”

  • Addie Pray Addie Pray February 19, 2014, 9:23 am

    Man, living with Drew must be the most fun! Wendy is a lucky lady. I bet they laugh all the time.
    *
    But, ou est la reponse de mon copain?
    *
    Also, check out my new avatar – my new princess alter ego, complete with my Moose and wine sidekicks, designed by the one and only Northern Mermaid!

    • Diablo Diablo February 19, 2014, 10:21 am

      Quel est le probleme? J’ai pensé que j’étais votre copain!

      • Addie Pray Addie Pray February 19, 2014, 10:56 am

        Toi? Nan, tu es mon copain *canadian*. Brian est mon copain americain. J’en ai un dans chaque paye.

        • Diablo Diablo February 19, 2014, 11:21 am

          Whew, tu m’avais inquiété!

        • LlamaPajamas LlamaPajamas February 19, 2014, 11:48 am

          AP, you’re French cheating on me! Now I’m going to be jealous and crazy and overanalyze this to death and write a letter to Dear Wendy about how I thought I had a new BFF but she’s really just nice to everyone! Just kidding, I still je t’aime you.

  • bagge72 bagge72 February 19, 2014, 9:27 am

    Yowzer slow down. It was only a month, this dude is thousands of miles away, and you still don’t give him space. I think you have already lost him here by being so obsessed, so I would just back off, and if he contacts you great if not, you only lost a couple of weeks of your life. Oh and for facebook, you need to hide him so you don’t see his every move, and tell your mom to stop messaging him for your sanities sake.

  • avatar Laura Hope February 19, 2014, 9:34 am

    4 men. 4 different responses. Which leads me to believe that you might actually have to ask him. Which I think is appropriate because of your long standing friendship.

    • Cassie Cassie February 19, 2014, 8:31 pm

      Four different responses?? What are you reading? All of them said “MOA”, just using different words. All of them. …Are you the LW?

  • rosie posie rosie posie February 19, 2014, 9:50 am

    I agree with Drew and Diablo. Its sounds like the crazy teenage drama could have scared him off. I think that’s also where Tax Geek was going with the “that the fantasy wore out and reality set in” but was being gentle about saying it. If the LW is four years out of high school she really needs to learn to conduct herself in a manner more appropriate with her age. Even though girls act that way in high school (typically due to a lack of experience), guys still don’t like it then. I love Drew’s response but I suspect it will go right over the letter writer’s head.

  • avatar jlyfsh February 19, 2014, 9:57 am

    So he’s deployed? If that’s the case read Drew’s response. Also a reason he could be answering your mom’s messages and not yours, maybe they’re easy and fun to respond to while your’s are loaded with questions like do you still want to date me that he can’t handle responding to at the moment? And I mean I hate that you can tell when someone reads your facebook message because some days I just can’t handle writing a response back, even if it’s easy. And instead I post a picture of my dog because that I can handle. But, yeah read Drew’s response again and maybe take a step back and chat again when he’s there in person.

    • avatar Ginger Laine February 19, 2014, 11:52 am

      Ugh. The bane of my existence. I will literally do everything I can to go incognito on Facebook because someone messaged me & I don’t want them to know I’m on & avoiding reading/responding to their message. I’m just here to point & laugh & like & share, and occasionally post a cat gif. Is that wrong?

      • avatar MsMisery February 19, 2014, 12:58 pm

        No. I miss the days of internet anonymity. The Wild West-ness. Remember the early days of chatrooms and picking a screen name and sometimes A DIFFERENT SCREEN NAME for different rooms? Jeeez… I was too young for that. I just want to go online without a little light popping up above me like a SIM saying “she’s here! right here y’all!” and my GPS coordinates.

        • Cassie Cassie February 19, 2014, 8:35 pm

          Yeah, but then you had to deal with creepers asking ASL all the time and wanting to exchange private messages.

  • avatar Morgan February 19, 2014, 10:01 am

    If facebook plays the primary role in your relationship dilemma, just MOA.

    Look, I get the whole “person who there might be potential with but you’re never single at the same to pursue it thing.” You’re not head over heels or anything, so you don’t drop other things that also have potential, you just recognize that there is potential. It’s one of those always kinda wonder if it would’ve worked things. Most people chalk it up to bad timing and move on.

    Now, you guys are both actually single, so you agree to date and see if the potential is there. Great! I’m not sure what agree to date means. I get that it means see if there is something more than friendship, obviously. But does it mean you agreed to go on dates and test the potential? Did you do that when he was home? Does it mean be in an insta relationship? Because if he’s thousands of miles away, I guess I’m not sure how your long distance relationship would be any different than the long distance friendship you otherwise would have had. Was the chemistry there before he left?

    Just calm down. Get in touch with him one more time. Explain what agreeing to date means to you. Tell him how much contact you typically like from someone you are dating. Ask him to tell you the same. Figure out if you guys are on the same page. If you are, great! If not…well you can keep facebooking messaging your friend, and you can find a new boy to date.

    Also, don’t listen to a boy’s mother to gauge how into you he is. My cousin is something of a casanova and the girls my aunt likes are never the ones my cousin is serious about. Actually, your army boy kind of reminds me of my also military cousin. In which case my answer is that he got bored with the idea of a relationship once it became work instead of hanging out while he was home.

    • GatorGirl GatorGirl February 19, 2014, 10:17 am

      “If facebook plays the primary role in your relationship dilemma, just MOA.”
      .
      OMG yes. I said something similar last week. (I do get that being deployed might affect possible communication options, and FB might be the “best” but really? This is such a screwy situation.)

  • avatar bethany February 19, 2014, 10:06 am

    Is it just me, or does anyone else forget to reply to FB messages? I’ll see them and totally forget about them for weeks at a time.

    • avatar Morgan February 19, 2014, 10:09 am

      Not just you. I mostly assume they’re dumb chain letters to which I will just reply “snopes before you post” and ignore that notification tab entirely. I only reply in a timely manner if I’m actually on fb or on my phone when I get it and the actual message pops up.

      • avatar SpaceySteph February 19, 2014, 3:39 pm

        Bwahah! “Snopes before you post” is my new favorite response!

        Seriously, why do people believe everything they read on the internet.

        semi-relatedly- my mom sent me an email warning me about that one-ring phone scam where people call you and hang up. If you call them back it loads up your phone bill with all kinds of outrageous charges. Apparently this one is true, but who the hell actually calls back an unrecongnizable missed call on their cell phone? The same gullible people who think that driving with your headlights off is a gang initiation, I think…

        • GatorGirl GatorGirl February 19, 2014, 3:43 pm

          I’ve gotten some of those calls! From Antigua or something weird like that. I googled the number and found tons of people complaining about the charges.

          I just got this weird chain e-mail about thieves? Breaking into your car and using GPS to rob your house? IDK, I hate chain e-mails.

          • avatar bethany February 19, 2014, 4:21 pm

            My Uncle still sends me chain emails. He’ll send like 15 at a time, too! It’s super annoying. He’s the only person I know who still does that.

            • GatorGirl GatorGirl February 19, 2014, 4:34 pm

              weirdest thing about my grandmother, is that she sends me e-mails and NEVER responds to ones I send her. it’s aggravating.

              • othy othy February 19, 2014, 5:08 pm

                Maybe he hasn’t figured out how to reply? My mom still struggles with that one…

            • Cassie Cassie February 19, 2014, 8:39 pm

              My dad sends me chain e-mails too! They usually have something to do with politics, his preferred party, and how the other side is basically the Antichrist. That’s what the delete button is for.

        • theattack theattack February 19, 2014, 3:50 pm

          I’ve called back the numbers before because sometimes that’s how you can get your number off of the calling list.

        • avatar bethany February 19, 2014, 4:19 pm

          I get calls from “Call Back People” at work ALL THE TIME. We have like 25 different lines to call out from, but when you call the number back they all ring to me. So some guy calls up and is like “Yeah, this is Jim, did someone just call me?” How should I fucking know if someone just called you? It’s super annoying. So I just tell them that is no one left a message they should just assume it was a wrong number. I don’t understand why you would ever just call back a number that called you. I really don’t get it.

          • avatar lets_be_honest February 19, 2014, 4:30 pm

            I accidentally replied individually to people who were on a group message on new years. 4 people texted me begging me to tell them who I was. It was bizarre. My message said happy new year!. That’s it.

          • LlamaPajamas LlamaPajamas February 19, 2014, 4:43 pm

            Under normal circumstances I’d totally agree, but I spent last week in two different hospitals with my dad and grandmother and I called back a number of missed calls from random numbers because I was afraid it was a someone in the hospital with an update or someone my mom had given my number to asking for an update. But under normal circumstances I don’t answer my phone or return calls. Is there a word for people with a serious phobia of talking on the phone? I’m so glad you can order pizza online now.

    • GatorGirl GatorGirl February 19, 2014, 10:15 am

      I forget too. It’s just not super high on my priority list. (Unless we’re talking about beers! haha)

    • Miel Miel February 19, 2014, 10:21 am

      Last week I forgot to answer an email from my parents. Three days later they thought I was dead.

      • avatar ktfran February 19, 2014, 10:35 am

        I laughed out loud. Thanks for that!

      • lemongrass lemongrass February 19, 2014, 10:39 am

        Really? I feel like I’m out of touch with my parents. We call each other once every 3 weeks. But my mom comments on all my Facebook photos so I know she still loves me.

        • lemongrass lemongrass February 19, 2014, 11:02 am

          See? She already commented on NM’s pic of me. Asking questions. What is it? Is it not self explanatory?

          • avatar MsMisery February 19, 2014, 1:00 pm

            That’s why I declined my mother’s FB request. She would just be WAY TOO nosy. Who is that? What’s in the red cup? What time did you get home that night?

            UGH DELETED.

      • Addie Pray Addie Pray February 19, 2014, 10:52 am

        Haha, Miel. That’s funny though because it’s the other way around for me. When my mom doesn’t answer her phone I immediately thing “oh shit she’s lying dead on the floor.” I actually do. It’s very stressful.

    • avatar ktfran February 19, 2014, 10:37 am

      I have three facebook messages I need to reply to at some point. I just keep forgetting.

    • avatar va-in-ny February 19, 2014, 10:57 am

      I do this a lot.

      Sometimes, I read a message and respond in my head and think that I’ve actually responded when I haven’t at all. That probably looks rude on the other end.

      • CatsMeow CatsMeow February 19, 2014, 11:33 am

        I do this too! And not just when it comes to responding to things. I will 100% believe that I did something, but really I just thought I did. It’s kind of scary.

    • FireStar Firestar February 19, 2014, 12:26 pm

      I just got a FB email from an ex who recently got in touch telling me he misses me, wants to meet my daughter and it’s okay my husband won’t mind. How would he know? How do you even respond? It’s been over fifteen years…I’m good?

      • avatar bethany February 19, 2014, 1:37 pm

        Haha. Just write back “No” and leave it at that. That would be awesome.

  • findingtheearth findingtheearth February 19, 2014, 10:10 am

    Calm it down a notch, LW. He may just not be that into you. Or was into while he was near you, but the stress of his everyday military action has limited his availability. I think a follow up message or text asking for a phone call, or simply just asking for the status of the relationship is more than okay. If he doesn’t respond, then you are not dating, just an FYI.

  • lemongrass lemongrass February 19, 2014, 10:36 am

    If you are using “obsessed” to describe a person’s feelings in a relationship WALK AWAY. Obsession is not healthy.

    Also, Wendy please can you do a his/her take column with Drew. It would win. And be feminist and hairy.

    • avatar zombeyonce February 19, 2014, 11:57 am

      The obsession thing seems odd. LW thinks he’s obsessed with her but she’s the one displaying obsessive behavior keeping such crazy track of how much he communicates with other people. He doesn’t seem that interested at all.

  • Kate B. Kate B. February 19, 2014, 10:38 am

    Ah, yes. This is what is known as a “slow fade”. The guy doesn’t return your messages, hoping you’ll get the hint. He’s hoping that because he hasn’t got the balls to tell you straight out. Now, he might actually be doing Army stuff, like dodging Taliban bullets, but he should at least mention it if that’s the case. How long does it take to drop a little note saying, Sorry I haven’t answered, but…? If he’s got time to respond to other people’s posts, he’s got time. MOA.

  • Classic Classic February 19, 2014, 10:49 am

    I love this! I love the panel! Look, it’s Diablo and Tax Geek! Is this your first time, or did I just miss some? Drew is so funny; I would watch his show.

  • avatar va-in-ny February 19, 2014, 11:22 am

    Maybe he’s into your mom..

    • LlamaPajamas LlamaPajamas February 19, 2014, 11:45 am

      Oh man, I bet he’s totally into her mom! Probably because her mom knows how to be cool.

      LW, relationships are so much more fun and relaxing when you’re with someone who doesn’t keep you guessing or make you crazy.

  • bittergaymark Bittergaymark February 19, 2014, 11:30 am

    I’m baffled. Nothing turns guys on more than excessive clingyness and unnecessary drama…

    • lemongrass lemongrass February 19, 2014, 11:31 am

      I KNEW IT!

    • Cassie Cassie February 19, 2014, 8:51 pm

      My thumbs up icons aren’t working. But here’s a virtual thumbs up for that fine sarcasm you’ve employed:
      _
      ( ((
      \ =\
      __\_ `-\
      (____))( \—-
      (____)) _
      (____))
      (____))____/—-

      • Cassie Cassie February 19, 2014, 8:53 pm

        Yeah, that doesn’t look like a thumbs up. :(

        • LlamaPajamas LlamaPajamas February 20, 2014, 8:31 am

          Oh, but it does! I love it!

  • CatsMeow CatsMeow February 19, 2014, 11:41 am

    Why no pic, Diablo? You look just like Louis CK, right?

    • avatar lets_be_honest February 19, 2014, 11:46 am

      Or Tom Selleck. You look like Tom Selleck, right?

    • bittergaymark Bittergaymark February 19, 2014, 11:51 am

      Few know this. And Wendy remains doubtful that the world can handle the admittedly rather shocking truth. But Diablo is… a talking — and, yes, French speaking — writing cat.

      • CatsMeow CatsMeow February 19, 2014, 11:57 am

        THAT’S EVEN BETTER THAN MY LOUIS CK THEORY. (Also, I have a crush on Louis CK. Anyone else?)

        • Addie Pray Addie Pray February 19, 2014, 12:07 pm

          me!

      • Diablo Diablo February 19, 2014, 1:04 pm

        I am a redhead, about the same age as Louis, but no facial hair and not balding.

      • Diablo Diablo February 19, 2014, 1:04 pm

        @BGM – I’m just a different breed of cat.

        • bittergaymark Bittergaymark February 19, 2014, 6:07 pm

          Christ. It’s a cover up. But ask yourself, DWers… How do we know this latest pic is the real Diablo and not just the handiwork of a too clever feline covering his paw-printed tracks?

          • Diablo Diablo February 19, 2014, 6:40 pm

            It is awesome, Addie. And we have seen a pic of you, so unlike me, you were not simply chicken.

            And no, BGM, not a literal chicken. Or cat. (But very possibly a 12 yo in a man’s body.) Does this mean I’m “out”? I guess not…

          • Diablo Diablo February 19, 2014, 6:44 pm

            @BGM – If this pic is a sham, wouldn’t I have picked a handsome man? Or is this just my supercat brain outcyphering you?

            • bittergaymark Bittergaymark February 19, 2014, 8:34 pm

              Ah, but I think a clever — and rather devious — cat would hide behind a picture of normality and not male perfection. ;)

          • bittergaymark Bittergaymark February 19, 2014, 8:35 pm

            It is FANTASTIC and I am so NOT just saying that out of sheer relief that Punky has left the website…

            • Addie Pray Addie Pray February 19, 2014, 10:14 pm

              gasp, i can’t believe that you would speak ill of Punky.

    • Diablo Diablo February 19, 2014, 4:27 pm

      This new avatar is a selfie of me and M at the Winnipeg Folk Festival in 2009. We are waiting for Elvis Costello to play. The smile on her face is all you need to know about me. And, yes, now it can be told. I am not a cat, but a human adult person (or possibly a 12 yo in the body of one).

      • Addie Pray Addie Pray February 19, 2014, 4:33 pm

        Aw, we love Diablo and M!

      • othy othy February 19, 2014, 5:09 pm

        I was hoping you were a cat. But maybe you’re an intelligent cat who knows how to lie on the internet?

      • Cassie Cassie February 19, 2014, 8:46 pm

        Lies. All lies.

  • avatar muse February 19, 2014, 6:53 pm

    Stacy’s mom has got it goin’ on

    Stacy, can I come over after school? (after school)
    We can hang around by the pool (hang by the pool)
    Did your mom get back from her business trip? (business trip)
    Is she there, or is she trying to give me the slip? (give me the slip)

    You know, I’m not the little boy that I used to be
    I’m all grown up now, baby can’t you see

    Stacy’s mom has got it goin’ on
    She’s all I want and I’ve waited for so long
    Stacy, can’t you see you’re just not the girl for me
    I know it might be wrong but I’m in love with Stacy’s mom

    Sorry Stacy.

  • Lindsay Lindsay February 20, 2014, 2:03 am

    It’s really tempting to come up with all kinds of reasons why someone MUST like you, even if they are doing something that seems like they don’t. You know, like that they are talking about you or told you they like you a lot or that you think you’ve secretly liked each other for a long time. But none of those things matter if the person doesn’t treat you with basic caring feelings. They can talk about you until the cows come home, but if they won’t respond to messages, that’s all that really matters.

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