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His Take: He’s Seducing Me With More Than Words

After a brief hiatus, His Take is back! Let’s see how the guys handle this one:

Three years after our breakup, my ex-boyfriend found me on match.com and sent me a message. We wrote back and forth for a little bit and then we started texting over Thanksgiving. After a few weeks I got frustrated and asked him to catch up over drinks. He wrote back right away and suggested a day. We went out and had an awesome time. He walked me home and told me he really wanted to see me again. Having been hurt by him three years ago, I shrugged it off and told him to call me. Instead, he found me on Words with Friends and we started playing each other.

You can text through the game and that’s what we did. Every so often he would send me a text to my phone talking about the game. This started to really annoy me, so I resigned from the game and told him I couldn’t bare to beat him again. He took himself off match that night and never responded. I took the game off my cell and didn’t think twice. Ten days later I get a text from him asking me if I was really going to leave him hanging on Words with Friends. We texted back and forth for a while and I eventually accepted his new game request and we started playing again.

He would text me to my phone and actually talk to me about other things. I started to feel good about stuff. And I found himself liking him again. But now we still haven’t hung out. It’s been a month and half since I last saw him and I think we’ve played six games on Words with Friends. He’s driving me insane. I don’t understand why he went off Match and I don’t understand why he keeps playing me in this stupid game. If he had such a great time why isn’t making plans to see me? — More than Words, More than Friends?

JAREK: I’m house hunting right now. It’s actually a lot of fun, but it’s also easy to get frustrated fairly quickly. For example, my girlfriend and I will attend an open house and absolutely fall in love with what we see. The layout is perfect, cool kitchen, awesome design, etc. We then get excited about the idea of having a house together, so we start mapping out all the rooms, figuring out what will go where, and envisioning our future there. We get a certain scenario in our head and it just plays over and over. The frustrating part comes when we realize other things, like how high the taxes are, or how bad the neighborhood is, or worse, someone else puts an offer down and takes it off the market. We feel let down. We feel like this was our house, our future, and it turns out it’s not what we thought it was or is no longer available. We created a certain expectation for that house to live up to, and it didn’t. But the reality is, if we never got ahead of ourselves and emotionally invested so quickly, we could realize this wasn’t the house for us and walk away not feeling any different.

So I think you may be creating a certain scenario in your mind with your ex. You appear to be putting a lot of emphasis on small things he does, like texting, and then convince yourself he means more. And when you find he isn’t living up to the scenario in your head, you get frustrated and feel let down. But if you step back and look at what he is doing or the actions he is taking, you may find he is not as romantically interested as you thought. Most of his communication with you could be done from the comfort of his own toilet. If his passive communication pains you because you can’t physically be with him, then just stop communicating. If he really wants to see you, he’ll make more of an effort than signing in to Words With Friends. In the meantime, you shouldn’t mistake informal and convenient interaction with emotional interest.

ANDREW: And they say seduction is a lost art! Sure, your old flame could have wooed you back through poetry, song or simply by buying you a gin and tonic. But no! Interacting with the outside world is for brutes! He is a sensitive man. He has a decent vocabulary. He reveals his true feelings through Words With Friends. What a romantic! On any given Friday night I’m sure he can be found nestled away in a darkly-lit room achieving his high score on Fruit Ninja. After all, only fools rush in. Why take unnecessary risks like meeting a woman face to face when he can comfortably stare at the rectangular screen of his plastic telephone all night long?

Yes, he is beguiling, this mysterious ex of yours. But you must resist him. Resist the rakish way he’ll invite you to play FarmVille. Start over — someplace where no one knows you, someplace where adult men establish eye contact for longer than three seconds. Start over, and never look back!

* If you’d like to ask the guys a question, simply email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with “His Take” in the subject line and I’ll pass your question along to them.

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{ 110 comments… add one }

  • avatar PFG-SCR January 12, 2012, 7:16 am

    “…you shouldn’t mistake informal and convenient interaction with emotional interest.”

    This is the most important point the LW should get from these responses.

    Often, you guys like to be all clever and create elaborate analogies with your responses on His Take, but what is typically most helpful are the direct, straightforward, “no room for misinterpretation” comments.

    • FireStar FireStar January 12, 2012, 8:24 am

      Really? I think the analogies are a great way to connect to someone’s issues. Some people get defensive with the direct method (::ahem::updates) and exporting the issue to a context they aren’t so invested in is likely to give them a little more clarity when looking at their own issue. Because I’m generally unrepentantly direct, I’m glad when others take a more poetic approach – it all but guarantees the LW clarity somewhere on the spectrum.

      • avatar PFG-SCR January 12, 2012, 9:14 am

        “…it all but guarantees the LW clarity somewhere on the spectrum.”

        I’m not so sure about this part. Some of these letters have me scratching my head and saying, “Huh?”, and I wonder how the LWs don’t see the obvious. And, I do understand because it’s their life, and it’s difficult to see the forest through the trees when you’re humping the trees. While I do think the analogies can be helpful (and are almost always entertaining), the LWs still must interpret something from them, and if they’re misinterpreting the situation because they want things to be a certain way, they might also misinterpret the point of the analogy.

        • FireStar FireStar January 12, 2012, 9:43 am

          That’s fair. I think the step back from the immediacy of your life would be helpful but you are right – it does require the LW to extrapolate the lesson.

        • avatar Addie Pray January 12, 2012, 9:48 am

          Well, if this LW misinterprets the guys’ advice and runs out and puts a downpayment on a house or something, then she’s probably hopeless anyway.

          • CatsMeow CatsMeow January 12, 2012, 10:03 am

            hahaha

          • FireStar FireStar January 12, 2012, 10:18 am

            Wouldn’t that be the funniest update ever?

        • rainbow rainbow January 12, 2012, 10:21 am

          “it’s difficult to see the forest through the trees when you’re humping the trees”

          XD That was awesome.

      • bagge72 Bagge72 January 12, 2012, 9:17 am

        Well I think people get defensive with the direct method of the commenters not really the advice givers. You usually have a couple of commenters on every thread that is having a bad day, and is going to be as direct, and blunt as possible. I think sometimes these analogies go a little far some time when someone could have just said “maybe he found out after meeting back up the first time that he really just wants to be friends with you, and if that isn’t some where you want to be with him then you need to either let him know or cut off contact with him.”

  • avatar Lydia January 12, 2012, 7:51 am

    Kudos on the guys for even making sense of that letter. The LW gives so many mixed signals: she shrugs it off when the ex wants to see her again, gets annoyed when he texts her and then takes the game off her phone, but then starts liking him again and wonders why he won’t meet up? I mean, what do you even WANT to happen here, LW?

    • avatar camille905 January 12, 2012, 9:22 am

      That’s exactly what I was thinking- he wants to hang out, she blows him off, he starts playing a game with her, she deletes the game- sounds like she’s the one playing games.

      • avatar PFG-SCR January 12, 2012, 9:42 am

        I don’t think she believes she blew him off – when she shrugged and told him to call her, she apparently intended for that to be the sign that she wanted to see him again. He might have thought she was blowing him off, or he might only meant to see her to hang out as friends.

        • avatar camille905 January 12, 2012, 11:35 am

          If that was me, I would think the person was blowing me off. And I’m a lady, just for clarification. If I said that to a guy, I would be blowing him off because if I liked him, I would be happy that he suggested hanging out again soon and would make plans to do so. But that’s just me.

          • avatar PFG-SCR January 12, 2012, 11:45 am

            I agree with you that it probably didn’t sound like she sincerely wanted to see him again. It’s similar to when you see an old friend from high school, and one says, “We should go to lunch”, and you say, “Sure, call me”, with no real intention of ever going to lunch.

          • Will.i.am Will.i.am January 12, 2012, 4:01 pm

            Exactly. The “call me” or “let me see how my schedule is” is generally a not interested remark. I’ve been busy as hell before and made time and I’ve been lazy and played it off like I was busy. I hate delivering bad news and I hate receiving it, so I generally play with the signs I know. If someone is not putting forth the effort that is deemed sustainable for a relationship, I just assume they aren’t interested. Not my job to bend their arm to hang out with me, which is why dating is a numbers game.

    • avatar ele4phant January 12, 2012, 12:48 pm

      I agree, when I first read the letter, I thought she was the one giving confusing signals, not him.

      She was distant and non-committal after the first date when he said he wanted to do it again, she was the one who’s been deleting and then re-engaging with him on Words with Friends.

      Maybe he’s playing games, but its really simple to end this all. She should stop being evasive and tell him “I’m interested in you again, are you interested in me? If you’re not, I’d rather not continue talking, its getting to be painful for me” He’ll either get on board, or it’ll be clear he’s not.

      • avatar Michele January 12, 2012, 1:08 pm

        I completely agree! All I could think when I was reading her letter was: do you even know what you want? Do you want to be with this guy? It is so unclear from her letter whether she’s actually interested in him or not. Sheesh.

        I think she needs to evaluate what she wants and whether this guy is good for her and stop waiting for him to make the move. If you want to see him again, ask him. If you are just too frustrated with his Words with Friends and texting, then stop engaging him and MOA.

  • avatar spark January 12, 2012, 7:53 am

    It seems like he’s making some baby steps and you are pushing him away at worst, and sending ambiguous signals at best. If you want to see him, just ask him to hang out. You’re the one playing mind games. I think that if you hang out once or twice more in person, it will be a lot clearer to both of you where the other is heading and what you actually want.

    • avatar melanie January 12, 2012, 10:25 am

      I was going to say something along the lines of this too. Most of the time when there’s a breakup, both parties are hurt. Since he could have also been hurt by you many years ago, he could be taking baby steps to see your level of interest.

  • avatar atraditionalist January 12, 2012, 7:57 am

    he could just be in it for the attention. Which you are clearly giving him since you spend your time frustrated by online games with him. I agree with Jarek – you created a scenario that he was in love with you again etc and when he did nothing to show that you got frustrated and started giving all these mixed signals

  • avatar ReginaRey January 12, 2012, 8:15 am

    Love both Jarek and Drew’s responses!

    LW – This guy isn’t that into you, and as Jarek suggested, you’re trying to read into it in order to create something in your mind that just isn’t there in real life. Is it wrong of him to keep texting you and playing Words With Friends when he very likely knows he’s leading you on? Yes. But unfortunately, the vast majority of men are NEVER going to come out and say “I’m just not all that into you, but I enjoy your attention and I need someone to play Words With Friends with.” It’s your job to come to that conclusion on your own.

    Someone who doesn’t make an effort to see you in person is not someone you’re ever going to have a relationship with. And, maybe…just maybe, the reason he’s off Match and the reason you haven’t seen him in a month and a half is because he’s got himself a new girlfriend.

    You, LW, as most women in general (I’ve found myself guilty of this at times, too) need to stop analyzing every single thing a dude does. We think there’s meaning and significance in every little thing – a game of Words With Friends, for example – when in reality, guys don’t attribute all that much significance to such things. Stop wasting your time looking for meaning where there is none, and watch what people DO. He hasn’t made an effort to see you in person in a month and a half? That’ all the information you need.

    • FireStar FireStar January 12, 2012, 8:33 am

      I don’t see the part where he is leading her on – I’ve never played the game though – is there something inherently ‘romantic’ about it? Sounds like he just wants a friend to play the game with. If all he is doing is texting her and there is no flirting then it doesn’t sound like leading on to me – it sounds like she is mad at him for not meeting expectations he has no clue about.

      • avatar ReginaRey January 12, 2012, 8:40 am

        Maybe he doesn’t realize that she’s reading into this a lot, assuming something romantic is going to come of it. If he knows that, and continues communicating with her with no intent of a relationship ever happening, then I think he’s leading her on. But you’re right…he may not realize how far she’s extrapolated this in her head.

        • theattack theattack January 12, 2012, 9:42 am

          I don’t really think that qualifies as leading her on either. It’s not his fault if she misinterprets something so obviously platonic. I’m not saying that it’s okay to lead people on, but I disagree that playing a word game is ever doing that.

          But either way, if I were this guy and found out she had read into that stuff so much, I would probably be creeped out.

      • avatar savannah January 12, 2012, 10:08 am

        But the scenario you’ve laid out is one where they have absolutely no history together-which is not the case. With an ex, all contact can seem to be non-platonic if you haven’t has enough established platonic contact. A ex couple would need to make that transition and just because time has passed does not mean that has occurred. I’m with RR on this one.

        • FireStar FireStar January 12, 2012, 10:29 am

          But how can you establish platonic contact if every interaction can fall under the banner of non-platonic because of your history? I think I would see you point more if the breakup was more recent and it felt like the guy was looking for a way back in…after three years though I don’t think I would assume that unless I had solid evidence he was trying to make moves. There has got to be a statute of limitations on innocent contact seeming non-platonic just because it comes from an ex. No?

          • avatar ReginaRey January 12, 2012, 10:37 am

            FireStar, I think to you (or me, or a lot of the reasonable people on this site), there definitely IS a statute of limitations on innocent contact with an ex. Unfortunately, though, I think some people will interpret ANY contact with an ex at ANY time as “OMG, he’s trying to get back together with me!!!!” You’re making the mistake of assuming that everyone is as reasonable and logical as you…haha.

            • FireStar FireStar January 12, 2012, 2:52 pm

              It’s a scary world out there…. :s

            • Will.i.am Will.i.am January 12, 2012, 4:12 pm

              I think people feel that way when they aren’t completely over their ex. I did that with my first girlfriend. We broke up and any time we talked, I always felt it was one step closer to us getting back together. However, in reality, it was me making a mountain out of a mole hill. She would even tell me it’s never going to work with us, but I always had hope. I would have saved a lot of time and heartache if I would have taken her words at face value.

          • avatar savannah January 12, 2012, 10:39 am

            Yes there can be but that is why I said ‘can seem to be non-platonic’, that statue of limitations would be felt at different lengths of time by each individual. What is too soon contact for one person could be totally fine and platonic for the next. Also what I mean about establishing platonic interactions is the difference between a couple breaking up, never speaking to each other for a period of time and then slowly starting to talk again versus a couple breaking up, maintaining some contact and slowly turning to friends. In the 1st scenario, those first few times the ex couple interacts they would both be trying to figure out what each other motivations are, if they are platonic or not.

      • avatar bethany January 12, 2012, 10:16 am

        I play WWF with 2 x boyfriends- Both are happily married (as am I). We occasionally test through the game, but really only to comment on the game. There is nothing “romantic” about it!

        • avatar bethany January 12, 2012, 10:17 am

          *text through the game, not test :)

    • avatar Addie Pray January 12, 2012, 9:00 am

      I use a lot of people to satiate my scrabble needs. I have like 15 ongoing games right now, and it’s never enough. I need to double check that none are ex-boyfriends. Yikes! As an aside: I hate waking up in the morning and it’s not my turn in ANY of the games. I need to find someone as obsessed about it as me.

      • avatar ReginaRey January 12, 2012, 9:09 am

        Play me!!! Haha.

        • avatar Addie Pray January 12, 2012, 9:11 am

          Oh it’s on. But beware: I’m going to kick your ass, and I won’t feel bad about it. (Also, I enjoy trash talking.) I am sending you an invite NOW.

          • avatar ReginaRey January 12, 2012, 9:16 am

            We’ll see about that. My vocabulary is kickin. Also, I play on my iPad which I don’t always bring to work, but I try to play as quickly as I can!

        • avatar bethany January 12, 2012, 10:18 am

          Can I play too??
          Seriously- if anyone wants to play my username is Bethy717

          • avatar Addie Pray January 12, 2012, 10:43 am

            Yes! But I’m lame and don’t have an iPhone or one of those fancy phones that let’s you play Word with Friends. For now, I play scrabble on FB. *But* I’m getting an iPhone in February… so I will definitely play you then!

      • avatar Daisy January 12, 2012, 9:26 am

        Where do you play Scrabble? I used to be addicted to it on facebook but it got closed down years ago. Is it back??!

        • avatar ReginaRey January 12, 2012, 9:29 am

          Words With Friends is an app you can buy (or download free, depending on the version) with your iPhone or iPad. I also think you can play if you have another kind of smartphone…like a Droid or something.

          • avatar bethany January 12, 2012, 10:22 am

            You can play on Droids and Blackberries too!

        • JK JK January 12, 2012, 9:33 am

          I just found Words with Friends on FB, it has 16 million and something users. And apparently you can sync it with the games on your mobile (or something like that, I´m not good at techie stuff at all)

      • avatar silver_dragon_girl January 12, 2012, 10:06 am

        I need a smart phone :( I would love to be able to play that game. Despite the English BA, I’m pretty bad at Scrabble. I don’t have the patience for it. But it’s still fun!!!

        • Budj Budj January 12, 2012, 10:50 am

          In your education’s defense…you have no control over the letters you are given.

    • avatar Christy January 12, 2012, 11:12 am

      “You, LW, as most women in general (I’ve found myself guilty of this at times, too) need to stop analyzing every single thing a dude does.”

      And for the lady-lovers out there, don’t overanalyze chicks either! It’s just as bad.

      I mostly wrote this as a reminder to myself.

  • avatar Francine January 12, 2012, 8:34 am

    Ex contacted you, had some nice text conversations with you, met you for drinks and enjoyed it enough that he thought he’d like to do it again, you shrugged that off and now he wants you to play Words With Friends with him some more. I see old friends reconnecting (and just barely), not romance.

    But if you’re still confused, wouldn’t it make sense to say to him ” I don’t understand why you went off Match and I don’t understand why you keep playing me in this stupid game. If you had such a great time why aren’t you making plans to see me?” Surely, he can answer that better than anyone else.

  • avatar Addie Pray January 12, 2012, 8:44 am

    LW, are you sure this dude doesn’t have a girlfriend? It sounds like he might. Here’s a story for you: I met a guy in early December at an alumni event. He got my number off the sign-in sheet and texted me that night to say it was nice to meet me. (Sweet, right? He likes me!) Two days later, we went on a walk, which was nice. I initiated that. We proceeded to text back and forth, at least once a day, for the next THREE WEEKS (he really likes me!), but he never asked me out. It was annoying as hell, but, eh, with the intervening holidays, maybe that’s why, I thought. You know, lots going on. On New Year’s Eve, he texted me happy new year at 12:02 am, and at 12:30 am, and I had a missed call from him at 1 am. (Wow, he really likes me! I of course was fast asleep by 10 pm on NYE – lame, I know.) I remembered that we had a friend in common at the alumni event, so I asked her bluntly, “what’s this guy’s deal and why hasn’t he asked me out yet?” Her response? Oh, he has a LIVE-IN GIRLFRIEND of THREE YEARS! What a dick! I would bet money your guy is in a relationship, LW. I know you said he was on Match.com, but maybe he’s the boyfriend of the LW from yesterday – you know, the one addicted to Singles Chat Sites…. It’s a possibility!

    • avatar atraditionalist January 12, 2012, 8:54 am

      hahaha that would just be too funny of a coincidence if he was the same guy

    • JK JK January 12, 2012, 9:03 am

      Holy crap, what an asshole.

      • avatar Addie Pray January 12, 2012, 9:17 am

        As they say in French, Un Grand Asshole.

    • FireStar FireStar January 12, 2012, 9:13 am

      My first thought was the LW’s ex took down his profile because he met a girl – isn’t that how it goes?
      I’m a little sad for the live-in girlfriend. You wasted three weeks but that poor girl has wasted three years …and counting.

      • avatar Addie Pray January 12, 2012, 9:15 am

        I know! Can you imagine how you’d feel if your live-in boyfriend of three years was texting another girl, went on a walk with her, and texted/called her late at night on NYE? Sad.

        • FireStar FireStar January 12, 2012, 9:40 am

          I had an ex try to mac on me…after his secret wedding. Some men are jokes.

    • avatar silver_dragon_girl January 12, 2012, 9:20 am

      I think he probably got a girlfriend around the same time he started talking to the LW, and that’s why he went off Match. But he keeps talking to her because his new girlfriend won’t play Words with Friends with him. Needs not being met and all that…

      • theattack theattack January 12, 2012, 9:46 am

        I was thinking the same thing.

        It’s also possible that he’s trying to create a pathway to more options. Not that he’s keeping them open now, because he doesn’t seem that interested. But he’s picked out a trail to get there if he decides he wants to later.

        • theattack theattack January 12, 2012, 9:51 am

          And let me just tack onto that thought, because it’s not obvious for many, many people…. Being an option is not okay! Being set up to be a potential option later isn’t okay either. Treat yourself better than that. If he wants you, he’ll make more of an effort. And clearly you shouldn’t be too concerned about it anyway, LW, since you’re disinterested in him enough to play these games. Play Words with Friends with an actual friend, rather than ex-bfs that are going to psych you out.

          • rainbow rainbow January 12, 2012, 10:32 am

            “Being an option is not okay”
            I agree. Unless it goes both ways.

          • avatar cporoski January 12, 2012, 12:04 pm

            I agree to a certain extent. You shouldn’t just wait around for a guy. But I also believe in not burning bridges. I am a strong proponent of playing the field and dating alot until things get serious. That way, you don’t analyze text messages because you are too busy.

            • theattack theattack January 12, 2012, 1:52 pm

              I just don’t see that that’s what they’re doing here. I mean, they’re not going on dates and trying to feel each other out. They’re just keeping each other around for some weird reasons that don’t seem to have much to do with caring about and enjoying each other. It’s probably one or more of the following: boredom, revenge, a need for attention, or a need to relieve some guilt from their previous relationship. That’s just not healthy.

    • landygirl Landygirl January 12, 2012, 10:41 am

      Ding Ding Ding!!!! Give the lady a gift certificate to Chik-Fil-A!!! Texting is so non-committal in this instance. He’s playing more games than just Words With Friends.

  • avatar cporoski January 12, 2012, 9:03 am

    I can’t believe you are digging this much into words with friends. I am currently playing games against 6 people and one of them is my former English Teacher. It is a silly game. We keep coming back to this but if a guy wants to see you, he will. That is it.

    • avatar Addie Pray January 12, 2012, 9:16 am

      I have an ongoing game with my former English teacher! It’s really fun to beat her. More fun than beating former math teachers.

      • avatar cporoski January 12, 2012, 12:06 pm

        Right, could you imagine if your teacher was like “what does this mean?”

  • BriarRose BriarRose January 12, 2012, 9:22 am

    I play Words With Friends against my ex-husband, and we’re certainly not trying to get back together. I’m sorry LW, but I think you are reading way too much into this. I think him going off of match.com the same night you resigned from the game was just a coincidence.

    You’re letting him drive you insane because you’re marking time, hoping something will come of this, rather than just living your life. You say you were hurt by him 3 years ago, and now you’re being hurt again. Time to be done with him for good.

    • avatar cporoski January 12, 2012, 12:07 pm

      He isn’t hurting her, she is hurting herself.

      • BriarRose BriarRose January 12, 2012, 1:15 pm

        Exactly. She is letting him drive her insane. He’s not actually doing it. I said she’s being hurt again, because obviously she is very confused and hurt, but I wasn’t implying he’s doing it.

  • bagge72 Bagge72 January 12, 2012, 9:41 am

    I agree with the comments here, he either has a new girlfriend now, or he just wants to be friends with you. It seems like you were really hoping something would workout with this guy, but it’s time to just let it go, and stop turning down the other request you get on match (just and assumption). If we are all wrong the quickest way for you to get this guy back is to go on other dates, and live your life like you were before he started to message you.

  • theattack theattack January 12, 2012, 9:47 am

    So you don’t want him, but you want him to want you? Good luck with that.

    • avatar Francine January 12, 2012, 9:54 am

      I think you hit the nail right smack on the head. She said she blew him off because she had been hurt by him 3 years ago. Here they are, not even a couple months later, and the fact that he hurt her 3 years ago hasn’t changed. Sounds like she would like the opportunity to blow him off again and is upset because he’s not into her enough to make that possible.

      • theattack theattack January 12, 2012, 10:02 am

        Whoa Whoa! You’ve definitely got something there! Absolutely 100% agree with you!

        • rainbow rainbow January 12, 2012, 10:43 am

          Yeah, me too.

          • avatar Ktfran January 12, 2012, 11:26 am

            I fourth, fifth and sixth this response.

    • avatar AnotherWendy January 12, 2012, 1:03 pm

      So been there before! Not a good place. If this is the situation LW, just remind yourself over and over that it doesn’t matter if he does want you back or not because you don’t want him. Too much effort for the short term ego boost.

  • avatar SweetPea January 12, 2012, 9:47 am

    Ugh… this reminds me of when I broke up with a guy and then regretted it. We had left this facebook Scrabble game going and every few days I checked it…. he was still playing his turns. I looked too far into it and thought we had a chance to rekindle things. Mostly because I missed his presence in my life. But, I was wrong. It was just friggin’ Scrabble. And I am extremely glad things never rekindled because he would never have been right for me.

    I am probably generalizing too far here, but from what I notice, us females (because I am guessing you are female) tend to look for little signs. We love the little details…. the ones that mean “OMG, we must be meant to be!” But, I think guys rarely notice those little things. This ex of yours probably wouldn’t mind flirting with you, but I think for the most part… he’s just playing Words with Friends and doesn’t have any crazy romantic thoughts about you.

    I think when you broke up three years ago, that was probably the right thing to happen. Put him out of your mind. You are in need of a distraction right now! Find a new guy on match to chat with. One that will actually follow through with it when he says he wants to see you!

  • avatar amber January 12, 2012, 9:57 am

    i think this is definitely a case of reading too much in to things and wanting there to be more here than there is. like people above have said he could have taken himself off of match for a lot of reasons, he didn’t want you to know he was using a dating site, he met someone, got tired of paying for it because he wasn’t meeting anyone, etc etc. i think it’s also telling here that he didn’t text you about life he texted you about words with friends when he hadn’t heard from you in awhile. sure he might text you about your day or something like that but like i’m sure other people have said on here and in many responses before if he wants to date you he will, if he wanted to hang out again he would let you know. you are someone to play words with friends with and someone to text when he is bored. you should stop responding to him and move on because you obviously can’t reconcile having him in your life as anything other than an SO and that’s fine. but, it’s not good for you to keep doing this to yourself.

  • CatsMeow CatsMeow January 12, 2012, 10:08 am

    I love you(r responses), Jarek. ;)

  • avatar CottonTheCuteDog January 12, 2012, 10:37 am

    Finally a His Take! Oh how I missed them! I thought about sending in a His Take question but I’m sure the guys wouldn’t appreciate answering the question “do you think my dog Cotton is cute?”

    • avatar honeybeenicki January 12, 2012, 11:30 am

      If that is Cotton in your avatar pic, then yes. Absolutely :) I’m not a guy, so this isn’t really a his take on that question, but we can pretend.

    • Budj Budj January 12, 2012, 11:33 am

      I would need to see a video to comment on dog cuteness. Small dogs can be cute (I’m a big dog guy)…but their personalities can make or break the assessment.

      • avatar ReginaRey January 12, 2012, 12:15 pm

        Well, if the Addie vs. RR debate over you is to be settled…I’m getting a black lab puppy in March. I win!

        • Budj Budj January 12, 2012, 12:20 pm

          haha – that does help tip the scales in your favour.

          • avatar Addie Pray January 12, 2012, 12:33 pm

            Fuckers! Ok, I may not have a dog, but I do have a fully-stocked liquor cabinet! Also, I’m super insanely flexible. …

            • Budj Budj January 12, 2012, 1:54 pm

              If you have Johnny Walker Blue that may be an instant win…I am most definitely not flexible…although I have been considering getting into yoga.

  • avatar LTC039 January 12, 2012, 10:37 am

    What??? Words with Friends? Really? Just by the mere fact that this guy is using solely an app to communicate should be a huge red LAME-O flag… I don’t think this letter needs long winded advice…
    For w.e reason he is stringing you along with no actual interest in persuing anything with you. If he wanted to get back into something with you, you would not still be fighting over Words With Friends. Plain & simple. Cut it off now before you allow him to hurt you again…

  • Budj Budj January 12, 2012, 10:49 am

    Either he isn’t into you….or you don’t realize the mixed signals you’re sending. Figure it out.

  • avatar lk January 12, 2012, 11:07 am

    words with FRIENDS lol

  • avatar Fabelle January 12, 2012, 11:18 am

    Yeah, I’m thinking this girl was trying to play it tough or a little cool (especially since he’s an ex) and he interpreted it as non-interest. I say this because it’s happened to me– I’m a little standoffish naturally, even if I’m interested, & dudes just assume I’m not into them? However, his lack of effort means he’s probably not feeling it either– or he was, but then gave up. My advice for the LW: Give up on him as well (the situation is frustrating you anyway) and don’t worry about why he’s no longer on Match. Talk to the dozens of guys on there who aren’t exes of yours (& want to do more than play Words with Friends)

    • Budj Budj January 12, 2012, 11:29 am

      I am the same way and hindsight has led me to believe I have missed out on a few opportunities because of it (or maybe I just need someone really secure to get past the stand-offishness??)…but I think this is a situation where “direct and blunt” has merit…she should probably just talk to him if she is 100% sure she is interested and hash it out…take playing it cool out of the equation at this point. They dated before…it’s not like they are doing the typical getting-to-know-you mating dance.

  • avatar Elle January 12, 2012, 11:24 am

    Guys have this quality that we women need to develop more: they take everything that is said at face value. LW, since you didn’t say you want to see him again, he’s not even suggesting that. In his mind, if you do want to see him again, you’ll let him know. So far, he only knows what you told him, and he’s acting on that. Guys are not mind-readers either.

    Another sign that he’s not that interested – you were the one to suggest to meet up, not him. It looks like he was perfectly happy texting and messaging back and forth.

    My rule when it comes to dating – if a guy doesn’t make plans to see me at least once a week, then he’s not interested and I move on. It turned out to be true – guys who didn’t make plans in a week also didn’t make plans the second week or any week after that.

    And I’m just throwing this out there – quite a few guys nowadays want to be friends with their exes. Maybe it’s a new trend, or maybe, if they were the dumpers, they want to feel better about themselves (if she’s still talking to me, then maybe I wasn’t that big of an asshole).

    I vote for you to MOA and put that match.com subscription to good use.

    Good luck!

  • avatar TheOtherMe January 12, 2012, 11:35 am

    I don’t really know what this “Words with Friends” is but if someone wanted to slowly seduce me, word by word, I would absolutely love every minute of it.

    • avatar _jsw_ January 12, 2012, 12:01 pm

      It would truly make the game challenging if one were to attempt to make each word seductive. Sometimes it’s, er, hard enough just to find something to put in, as it were.

      • avatar lets_be_honest January 12, 2012, 1:14 pm

        I was playing with my ex’s new girlfriend who used to dislike me, but I’ve been trying really hard to be friendly since her boyfriend is a very close friend of mine. I was all happy that she accepted the game and thought it was a sign that we were going to be friendly. Well, either it was a huge coincidence or she was sending me signs of her own by only using nasty words. I was actually pretty impressed because it seems like its hard enough to play regular scrabble.

        • avatar TheOtherMe January 12, 2012, 1:27 pm

          So if you CAN chose the direction the words take, theoretically, you COULD make a sexy words only version, right ?

          >> goes off to find a version for Android <<

        • avatar *HmC* January 12, 2012, 2:05 pm

          Haha! I bet you were just reading into it (as a highly neurotic individual, that’s totally something I would do!). But if she was doing it on purpose… that’s kind of ingenious. Probably the most passive-aggressive, nerdy way to be mean to someone ever.

  • avatar _jsw_ January 12, 2012, 11:39 am

    “Every so often he would send me a text to my phone talking about the game. This started to really annoy me …”

    I think that, if an occasional text about an online game was too annoying for you, it is unlikely that true romance will blossom, regardless of the other possibilities regarding why he did or didn’t respond in certain ways.

  • avatar va-in-ny January 12, 2012, 12:03 pm

    There was a recent article that talked about how two people met randomly while playing Words With Friends and ended up getting married.

    But I don’t think that is where this relationship is going. Unfortunately, I think the LW has invested too much emotion into the small correspondence they’ve had. Let an ex remain an ex. He’s got that title for a reason, I’m sure.

    • avatar TheOtherMe January 12, 2012, 12:50 pm

      OK, someone please explain to me how this “Words With Friends” works !!!

      • avatar va-in-ny January 12, 2012, 12:56 pm

        It’s like Scrabble in the digital realm. If you want to play, you can choose a friend and play with them, or be randomly matched with strangers for a game.

        Apparenlty, there is a messaging feature (never used it) where you can talk throughout the game.

  • avatar jaybro January 12, 2012, 12:13 pm

    Ummmm what? Since this all seems a bit silly to me and I’m sure that regardless of silliness factor, this all is making you crazy and frustrated, I think the best thing for you to do is just ask him. Shoot him a text and say that you’re getting mixed signals and would like to know his level of interest. Acquaintances? Friends? More than friends?

    And frankly, you could probably take a moment to figure out EXACTLY what YOUR level of interest is in him. The letter seems a bit flippy-floppy to me. So before you ask him, ask yourself the same question. After all, people break up for a reason…

  • avatar LizInVA January 12, 2012, 12:24 pm

    Letters like this support my theory that technology is truly ruining the “dating” game. One of the things I loved about my now-fiance when we first started dating is that he called when he said he would and made concrete plans to see me. There were no vague “we should hang out” texts or endless rounds of texting where I was left wondering, “where does this lead? what did he mean by…?” I experienced that with other guys I met and dated, and it drove me nuts. (And it drove my sister and mom nuts, b/c I would obsess about these texts trying to decipher the hidden meaning.) And in hindsight, I get it–the hidden meaning was “I’m just not that interested, or I would make more effort.”

    Technology is great and like most others out there, I’d hate to give it up. But I truly do think it’s harming our interpersonal relationships. It allows people to basically be lazy. And in my experience (and in those of my girlfriends, as well), if you *do* manage to snag one of these chronic-texters, that laziness will show up in other areas of the relationship, as well.

    We as women deserve better than these guys who keep you at arms’ length b/c they don’t have the initiative to plan something, or because they’re waiting for something better to come along. LW needs to MOA from the ex…she will find somebody who genuinely wants to see her, spend time with her, make concrete plans, and follow through on his suggestions. THAT is how he will prove he’s interested…not through a round of Words With Friends:)

    • avatar moonflowers January 12, 2012, 11:12 pm

      I would think it’s less technology at fault than how these illustrious gentlemen deploy it. I imagine a good number of Victorian ladies were pissed off by guys who sent their cards and letters but never bothered to actually come call when they knew she’d be at home. :)

  • avatar AKchic January 12, 2012, 12:59 pm

    I think the LW is reading way too much into this. He took his profile down at match.com, and you didn’t ask why. Why not? Are you scared to know the reason? This could have nothing to do with you, you do realize this, right?
    Exes can be friends. Trust me on this. I am friends with many exes, from one-night stands to an ex-husband. Maybe he wanted to be your friend, and thought you did too.

    You need to TALK to this guy. Actually ask him. Communication isn’t just in the movies, y’know. Our parents spend the first year of our life trying to get us to talk so we CAN communicate effectively during our lives. It’s time to start doing so. Ask him why he took it down, and ask him what he wants in the relationship you two are building – a friendship or more. You didn’t specifically mention whether or not you really WANT a romantic relationship with him, so what’s YOUR deal? Do you want one, or do you just like being desired by an ex? This guy isn’t hurting you now, you’re hurting yourself with one-sided expectations that have never been quantified or given a chance to be met (if he is even in a position or has a desire to actually meet them).

    • avatar Aaron January 13, 2012, 10:32 pm

      Another vote for “stop sending mixed signals and being surprised when his actions get murky.”

  • avatar Rachel January 12, 2012, 1:07 pm

    “Most of his communication with you could be done from the comfort of his own toilet.”

    This cracked me up. Seriously, LW, think about where you stand in this guy’s life. I don’t think he’s interested, or even if he is, it doesn’t sound like he’s planning on doing anything about it.

  • avatar *HmC* January 12, 2012, 2:00 pm

    And I’ve now downloaded Words With Friends as well as Scrabble for my Android. I knew this expensive smart phone would come in handy!

    As for the LW- yeah I think if the guy were interested in you romantically, he’d be doing more than he is. But, have you truly thought about what you want? Because. your introspection notwithstanding, you’re not really acting like you’re that interested either. You guys broke up… what are the reasons you think it would really work this time, if that is what you want? I feel like girls get so caught up in “omigod does he like me?!” without putting enough thought into “Do I like him? Will he be a good partner for ME?”

    • avatar *HmC* January 12, 2012, 2:06 pm

      So far I feel like the guy I’m playing with is using a dictionary. That’s one thing that’s better about real Scrabble, no cheating!

  • avatar Ruby January 13, 2012, 8:13 am

    I tend to think that if a guy is really interested in a girl, then he’ll make an effort to see her.
    LW, If your ex BF is not making an effort to actually hangout with you, then he’s probably not interested in you, and you’re allowing his casual attention to string you along.
    These are your options…
    If want some clarification, have you thought about simply asking him?
    “I feel like there could be something between us again and I’m having feelings for you. Do you think you could see us as a couple again?”. That would be pretty direct and he can tell you yes or no!
    Really, I think that you shouldn’t *have to* ask that question, because if he was really into you, then you would be hanging out in person. But it might help you have closure, depending on what he says.
    Your other option is to really just focus on moving on! Ex boyfriends are often ex boyfriends for a reason. Sometimes it feels comforting to think of getting back together with an ex but really it’s not in your best interest. Stop trying to figure out what his texts and messages mean and wondering if he likes you. Take control of your love life and move on, and meet someone else who genuinely likes you, and won’t send you mixed messages!

  • avatar mcj2011 January 13, 2012, 3:32 pm

    Drew HAHAHAHA!

    I love fruit ninja & words with friends…just saying.

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