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His Take: “How Long Can We Keep Sexting?”

His Take questions are answered by our panel of smart, opinionated, and funny dudes.

I’m curious how long it would take for two people who sorta know each other, but live on opposite sides of the country, who are into sexting each other, to finally start to get bored of it? Months? Years? They will most likely never meet, so you would think someone will get bored sending the same photo of their crotches, and trying to come up with some new ways of turning each other on, right? How long do/should sexting relationships last? — Not Bored Yet

Screen Shot 2014-01-08 at 7.14.33 PMBrian: Is this one of those “I’m just asking for a friend” kind of questions? Either way, it sounds like you have something that works for the present and may continue to work for months or years down the road. But if you want to know when you’re going to get bored of it, what does that matter? The only explanation I can think of is you’re worried about getting burned, but you have to keep in mind that, when this fizzles, burns or flames out spec-fuckin-tacularly, the worst that will happen is a whole bunch of nothing. You won’t miss seeing someone you don’t ever see anyway. You won’t miss long-winded romantic emails from a person who… doesn’t send long-winded romantic emails. The time it will take to move on? I give it two hours.

Also, if you think people get bored of seeing crotch photos of the same crotches, look up the figures for how many people follow a specific porn star on Twitter, hoping for Round 26,779 of the same cleavage close-up.

unnamedGuy Friday: There are guys who will regularly pay for webcam shows and buy DVDs of the same porn actress doing lots of different things, so I’m not sure there’s actually a usual cut-off date for watching the same person do sexual stuff; it just kind of ends when it stops being fun anymore. Like most sexual things, I’m of the belief that it can’t go on indefinitely without someone developing feelings for the other person and wanting more, but then again I haven’t had long-term sexting relationships, so what do I know? If you’re not going to pick the guy out of a lineup fully clothed, then roll with it until either of you doesn’t want to anymore.

AndrewDrew: Why is this written in the third person? And why the hypothetical language? Is it possible someone’s concerned aunt is writing this on behalf of her teenage niece? I say that because someone’s aunt is the only person who would use the word “crotches.” Regardless, I’m totally grossed out. Tell your niece to stop texting pictures of her hoo-hah to random dudes. And while we’re at it, I don’t want you getting any funny ideas. You keep your crotch in your pants, lady. You’re someone’s aunt for chrissakes.

* If you’d like to ask the guys a question, simply email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with “His Take” in the subject line and I’ll pass your question along to them.

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{ 84 comments… add one }

avatar Painted_lady January 22, 2014, 9:06 am

Drew, you win. That cracked me up. Wendy, your husband is hilarious.

avatar ktfran January 22, 2014, 9:44 am

Agreed! I didn’t understand this letter at all. Is the LW really writing about a friend. Or writing about herself? I was picturing a prude writing this and is sick of her bff sexting someone. Or, maybe a chick who is harboring secret feelings for her super hot dude friend and is tired of him discussing this equally super hot chick he is sexting. I mean, will he ever get bored with her and realize that he too is lusting after girl pal. Probably not.

honeybeenicki honeybeenicki January 22, 2014, 10:04 am

Bonus points for use of the word “hoo-hah,” which also happens to be my favorite word.

avatar lets_be_honest January 22, 2014, 10:20 am

Seriously!

avatar mmcg January 22, 2014, 12:19 pm

I don’t know how I’ve lived this long without the knowledge of who should appropriately use the word crotch ;)

avatar MissDre January 22, 2014, 9:09 am

I’m really glad that His Take is back! But… I wish it hadn’t been a facepalm letter. Drew is right, why is this written in the third person? And Brian is right… why does it matter?

Fabelle Fabelle January 22, 2014, 9:26 am

LOL at Drew. And good point Guy Friday about the porn thing–the fact that people have porn actor/ress preferences at all sort of means it’s unlikely for someone to get bored of seeing the same person’s junk. So basically, the only way your sexting buddy will get bored is if you…become a boring sexting partner? In which case, s/he’ll probably only move on for a little bit, then come back in a couple months again to test the waters. This sexting partnership could go on for a LONG time, is what I’m saying. Do you want that, LW? Because it sounds like maybe YOU’RE the one who’s getting bored?

avatar SasLinna January 22, 2014, 9:39 am

So… is this person bored with her sexting buddy and looking for a justification to ask for something new? Haha.

Diablo Diablo January 22, 2014, 10:00 am

The hypothetical language makes me wonder whether the LW is the one who is already bored, and is wondering when long-distance dude is going to get tired of seeing her hoo-hah. The answer might be: never, but don’t get all out of proportion here, because he’s also not going to get tired of the perpetual panoply of pudenda readily available on the internet. As always, assuming the LW is a woman, when a woman wants to better understand male sexuality, she should be careful what she wishes for.

avatar Painted_lady January 22, 2014, 10:55 am

Points for alliteration.

avatar Painted_lady January 22, 2014, 10:57 am

“Perpetual panoply of pudenda” would actually make a great vocal warmup for my theatre kids. Too bad I’d probably get fired for teaching it.

Diablo Diablo January 23, 2014, 12:59 pm

Well, i toyed with “perennial profusion of pussy,” but that’s just tacky, not to mention a lot of alliteration from an anxious academic asshole aspiring to audience accolades.

TaraMonster TaraMonster January 22, 2014, 10:22 am

I read this letter as if it was written by Jaqen H’ghar from Game of Thrones.

“A man must send a sext.”

avatar csp January 22, 2014, 12:03 pm

Love the obscure reference. well done.

TaraMonster TaraMonster January 22, 2014, 12:34 pm

It’s only on my mind bc I just rewatched the whole series; my boyfriend had never seen it. I have him fully addicted now. The other day he sat up in bed, looked at me very seriously in the eye and said, “A man must take a shower.” I was cracking up.

othy othy January 22, 2014, 10:45 am

Anyone else amused by the picture of Atticus Finch next to talk about porn?

Addie Pray Addie Pray January 22, 2014, 10:47 am

ha, now i am!

avatar Painted_lady January 22, 2014, 10:58 am

I have such a crush on Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch. I would be all over that shit.

othy othy January 22, 2014, 11:49 am

I do too, but it’s more of a crush on a professor or a friend’s dad kind of way, and I don’t want him talking about porn!

Guy Friday Guy Friday January 22, 2014, 11:58 am

Hey now. It’s not like my face next to it would have made it any better. In fact, it probably would have made it worse.

Addie Pray Addie Pray January 22, 2014, 10:46 am

Hey who’s Brian? We need an introduction! Tell us all your secrets.

Have you guys ever gone potty and at the same time started checking out / admiring your freshly waxed crotch with your hand (and kind of forgot you were peeing) and then accidentally tilted your crotch just so, so the pee, instead of streaming downward, shot up and out of the toilet and onto the floor? No? Oh. (Drew’s rant about the word crotch somehow reminded me of that one time that happened to me. So I blame Drew for that tangent).

Addie Pray Addie Pray January 22, 2014, 4:04 pm

B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I AN — B R I A N — B R I A N — B R I A N . . .

You forgot to come tell us who you are and all of your secrets.

avatar Brian January 22, 2014, 5:01 pm

What would you like to know… Tatum?

avatar Brian January 22, 2014, 5:03 pm

Also, Wendy has my bio but I’m not sure when/if it will go up. Here it is, so you can know .001% of my secrets:

Brian Fairbanks has been a working journalist since he landed a job at the Hartford Courant at the age of 15, going on to write for Gawker, Nerve and AOL as a relationships and pop culture writer. After a tenure of working on books by Hunter S. Thompson and Jack Kerouac, he created videos that aired on the Daily Show and the Rachel Maddow Show and has just completed his first feature film.

Addie Pray Addie Pray January 22, 2014, 5:13 pm

Yes, Tatum! Also go on, we are listening. Also do you know Jimmy Kimmel by any chance?

avatar Brian January 22, 2014, 5:48 pm

I don’t. (Was this because I did too much name-dropping in my bio?)

Dear Wendy Dear Wendy January 22, 2014, 5:14 pm

The bio is here (I linked to it above) as well:

http://dearwendy.com/contributors-2/

othy othy January 22, 2014, 5:33 pm

Those bios are quite awesome.

Dear Wendy Dear Wendy January 22, 2014, 5:15 pm

The ladies also probably want to know if you’re single.

Addie Pray Addie Pray January 22, 2014, 5:16 pm

i mean, like sure whatever, i guess, ok you can tell us if you’re single, but whatever, i’m breezy.

avatar lets_be_honest January 22, 2014, 5:05 pm

Oh snap Addie. He knows you! I’m sensing a love connection.

Addie Pray Addie Pray January 22, 2014, 5:15 pm

Brian obviously has good taste in movies and used to watch Paper Moon over and over and over again when he was a kid just like I did.

avatar Brian January 22, 2014, 5:50 pm

Here’s another secret: I’m blushing.

Addie Pray Addie Pray January 22, 2014, 5:53 pm

By “I’m blushing” do you mean you are single, are between the ages of, say, 30 and 42, love your mother, live in Chicago, like dogs, and enjoy sneaking mini bottles of wine into the movie theater/anywhere really? A friend was asking.

avatar Brian January 22, 2014, 9:00 pm

Damn it, there was a no in there (the Chicago one), but your friend sounds amazing.

Dear Wendy Dear Wendy January 22, 2014, 9:16 pm

Addie, tell your friend that sometimes you have to venture out of Chicago to find a guy worth dating. I did … and then I married him.

Addie Pray Addie Pray January 23, 2014, 7:03 am

My friend is awesome! And smart and muy good looking. She said she’d move anywhere for love. So I guess that’s a done deal!

avatar Laura Hope January 22, 2014, 11:27 am

Every once in a while I’ll look up and see my husband staring at me and I’ll say “what”? He’ll say, I’m sorry, I was trying to picture you naked. PS. We are SO not newlyweds. So I don’t think it ever gets old.

avatar lets_be_honest January 22, 2014, 11:45 am

That’s really cute.

avatar lets_be_honest January 22, 2014, 12:49 pm

The more I think about this, its been years and years with my boyfriend and I definitely still look at him as super, super hot which I guess is a good thing. He doesn’t age though, so there’s that. I, on the other hand, am very good at aging.

avatar csp January 22, 2014, 12:06 pm

my husband was so excited he could see my nipples through my shirt the other day. I was like, really? So it still works 10 years later.

bittergaymark bittergaymark January 22, 2014, 12:42 pm

I depends on how good the two truly are at sexting…

But if the two truly NEVER meet in person, then there is nothing real to get in the way or thus be boring… Never meet up? Then it ALL stays one big fantasy. Nobody has real life flaws in a fantasy. People remain who you most want them to be. It is all truly a vivid ongoing projection of your thoughts and desires. Fantasies… They can burn hot and bright — forever. They can last a lifetime.

KKZ KKZ January 22, 2014, 12:54 pm

My only quibble with this (hilarious) advice is, the “worst thing that can happen” in a sexting situation is not just plain nothing, but that those photos/videos will find their way to unintended recipients. Even if the sextee has no malicious intent against the sexter, why *shouldn’t* s/he pass on photos from a totally not-serious, no-feelings, faraway e-fling?

…says the woman who is paranoid that the sexy photos she took & shared back in her carefree college days will one day resurface in a less-than-flattering context

bittergaymark bittergaymark January 22, 2014, 1:08 pm

There is so much professionally produced porn on the internet it’s MINDBLOWING. Unless you are SUPERHOT — or the photos are somehow wildly extreme or unique — the odds of it ever coming back to haunt you are nil.

One of my biggest regrets is NOT ever having naked pics of me shot when I was actually still young snd hot. A photographer lover of mine wanted to shoot me naked against the gleaming rocks and phallic saguaros of the Arizona Desert. But I couldn’t do that. I wouldn ‘t do that. Especially since I was destined for fame and fortune as a writer.

Idiot.

Double idiot. Not only do I regret not having those pictures. (His work was black and white and STUNNING…) But in our sex tape society said pics would have only BOOSTED my big career had it ever come to pass…

avatar lets_be_honest January 22, 2014, 1:18 pm

Idk, with websites devoted solely to posting nude pics/videos of your exes, I think it is something to worry about.

bittergaymark bittergaymark January 22, 2014, 1:25 pm

Some people LOVE to worry… What are the odds of somebody you know ir truly care about perusing such a site?

avatar lets_be_honest January 22, 2014, 1:28 pm

Haha, I’m a professional worrier.

KKZ KKZ January 22, 2014, 1:36 pm

The only reason it crosses my mind at all is that I’m about to go into business on my own and my name is going to become a lot more public when I do. Last thing I want is for someone to Google me and some random photo from 5 years ago that has my name in the filename or metadata to come up in the results because some d-bag posted it on a forum way back when and forgot all about it.

KKZ KKZ January 22, 2014, 1:27 pm

“Paranoia” indicates an irrational fear. I know it’s unlikely that the photos will ever come back, but the possibility still exists and that’s enough to make me a bit uneasy and regretful of ever sharing them.
One of the flings in which these photos were involved ended in spectacularly messy fashion and I was definitely nervous for the first year or two afterwards when drama still lingered, that the recipient would use them to his advantage. That threat is pretty much gone now, but it makes me inclined to recommend against being too cavalier about sharing photos.

Bear took up photography for a hot second a few years ago and has some really nice B&W photos of me when I was thinner and had longer hair, but they weren’t nearly as risque as the photos mentioned above.

Fabelle Fabelle January 22, 2014, 1:38 pm

Yeah, I’m with you, BGM (I mean, obviously everyone has the right to be as paranoid as they want, but my thoughts on the subject are aligned with yours. Like, even if a nude photo DOES surface on the internet. ..it’s the internet, a million other nude photos will bury it)

avatar Painted_lady January 22, 2014, 3:08 pm

I don’t have that luxury. I just don’t. It’s not something that will just be embarrassing and require explanation, I will lose my fucking job and probably have a really hard time finding another. There are actually a couple of articles about revenge porn where the victims were hacked and the pictures were sent to the employer and all of the victims contacts. One kindergarten teacher in my state got fired and hasn’t found another job.

Fabelle Fabelle January 22, 2014, 3:25 pm

For sure, in certain jobs, you don’t have the luxury of even RISKING it, but I was just talking about my personal views (which are obviously influenced by the fact that I have no ambitions on being a state/federal employee).

I’m hoping in about 50 years or so, the repurcussions for nude photos won’t be as severe? Because it’s ridiculous to me that someone could lose their job over being naked on the internet. I know other people disagree, but I don’t see any merit in the arguments people make ( i.e. “role model” etc. I can’t really elaborate well right now)

avatar lets_be_honest January 22, 2014, 3:32 pm

I’m trying to imagine my reaction if Lil’s teacher had nude pictures on a website. I don’t think I’d care unless the kids knew and looked for it. And then, frankly, its just time for a discussion with my kid. If she was previously a porn star or something though, I could see having an issue with that.

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson January 22, 2014, 3:56 pm

Similar to this discussion but not related (I’m not sure why I’m replying to you lbh) there is a video of me WASTED-FACED, like full blown blacked out, in college beating up a boy. I was in a mini skirt and a swimsuit, and it was not in my skinnier days, and like I said WASTED. To this day I cringe thinking about the fact that I can never enter politics or any type of job where there could be a thorough background investigation. Also, in case it matters, I won the fight.

CatsMeow CatsMeow January 22, 2014, 4:05 pm

YES. A nude photo of you exists somewhere on the internet, so…. you are somehow less qualified to do your job? If you work for a religious organization, that’s one thing. If it’s porn, and you teach kids, that’s debatable. But documentation that you were naked once? GET A GRIP, PEOPLE.

avatar Painted_lady January 22, 2014, 4:51 pm

It’s beyond fucked up. I work in a pretty reasonable district that acknowledges that I’m an adult – other districts I know of have fired teachers for having Facebook profile pictures of them holding a glass of wine. It’s insane – I don’t understand how we cater to the craziest, most conservative section of the population rather than go, “Hey, calm the fuck down, unless they’re involving your child directly, NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.”

On top of all of that is the fact that this kindergarten teacher I know about who was fired was treated like a criminal rather than a victim as her property was stolen and she was put in a sexualized position without her knowledge or consent.

avatar lets_be_honest January 22, 2014, 5:04 pm

Do they provide you with rules prior to taking the job? Are there guidelines anywhere that warn you of this before you join on?

avatar Painted_lady January 22, 2014, 6:38 pm

Kind of. I don’t remember the exact wording in mine, but most handbooks say something to the effect of, “Maintain professional manner at all times.” And in my orientation, they basically said something to the effect of, “Hey, here’s some really good examples of situations where it applies that you might not have thought of…” And it was basically if you open yourself up to a situation where a student might see you being unprofessional, at school, in public, online, whatever, it *can* apply. Again, the district I work for applies reasonable expectations of privacy, which means as long as I don’t make direct contact with a student and make attempts to keep my private life private, then I’m safe in that respect. I’m also terribly conscientious; derby formal used to be held at an 18+ venue down the street from my apartment, and when we had to change venues this year, I asked that if we were keeping it in town, that we change to a 21+ club because I was so scared to run into a student last year, I couldn’t enjoy myself once they opened up our private room and ultimately went home early.

CatsMeow CatsMeow January 22, 2014, 3:31 pm

Yeah, the possible ramifications for teachers are insane.

CatsMeow CatsMeow January 22, 2014, 3:11 pm

I think we’ve talked about this and I feel the same way. I can’t imagine anyone actually caring enough for it to “go viral.” Maybe some people I know “irl” would be all “omg” but I’m sure it would blow over pretty quickly and be “nbd”. Plus, the pics I would share in a sexting scenario are relatively flattering and don’t show my face. You know?

(And in general, I tend to think – it’s just nudity. it’s just sex. Get over it.)

avatar AliceInDairyland January 22, 2014, 9:32 pm

This has inspired me to get on the “making sex-ay pictures” train. You’re only 23 once!

GatorGirl GatorGirl January 22, 2014, 2:23 pm

I’m with you. My abusive and crazy ex does have some nudes and it is a little uncomfortable. It has crossed my mind that he is crazy enough to send the photo’s to say an employer or my mom, or perhaps slap them on facebook. It’s unlikely that there would be a huge long lasting effect on my life, but it would still be a very difficult thing to go through.

bittergaymark bittergaymark January 22, 2014, 3:23 pm

The problem then isn’t so much the naked pictures — but that you dated a psychopath…

GatorGirl GatorGirl January 22, 2014, 3:39 pm

Doesn’t everyone date a crazy person at least once in their life?

avatar lets_be_honest January 22, 2014, 3:43 pm

Or at least someone that turned crazy maybe? haha

GatorGirl GatorGirl January 22, 2014, 3:47 pm

Yes, or someone that becomes nuts? IDK, I’m sure plenty of “sane” people have felt vindictive and done shitty things (like send naked pictures to an employer).

avatar lets_be_honest January 22, 2014, 3:50 pm

That too, yes. So…we’ve now summed up that essentially every single person MIGHT send those naked pictures you took. We’re all fucked! (I have none, which may be more sad than anything)

GatorGirl GatorGirl January 22, 2014, 3:52 pm

Hahaha. You have never sent a naked picture? Spice it up lady! Go send peter a boob shot from the bathroom or something!

avatar lets_be_honest January 22, 2014, 3:55 pm

Ha! So Peter is…different. I sent him a cleav shot ONCE and he nearly lost his mind with worry about someone else seeing it. Don’t ask. He can be strange. He also works in “tech” so I guess might be more aware of things? My vote is on weirdo though.

avatar lets_be_honest January 22, 2014, 3:55 pm

Oh, and before him there just wasn’t anyone to send to I guess. My teen years were before sexting existed.

GatorGirl GatorGirl January 22, 2014, 3:59 pm

Hahahaha. We where long distance for 3 years, so boob shots basically sustained us. It doesn’t happen now, so I don’t think he’s a total weird-o. I was in college in that like magical bubble where we all had the technology, but no one realized it could totally screw you- so we did what ever. FB was for college students only, and we’d put all kinds of obnoxious shit on it, because only our friends could see it! (so we thought!) Now I’m much more careful with pictures.

Fabelle Fabelle January 22, 2014, 4:16 pm

I love sexting. And I discovered the other day that my phone can do front-facing video (like you can see the video as it’s taking) & then I downloaded an app that edits video (to crop those awkward beginning & end parts where I’m turning pressing record/stop). Fabello is down with it, but I think he thinks I’m a nutcase sometimes. Anyway, my point is that sexting is fun!! You should do it @LBH. If Peter isn’t down, just sext me ;)

avatar lets_be_honest January 22, 2014, 4:19 pm

Haha, Fab. :)

GatorGirl GatorGirl January 22, 2014, 4:24 pm

Fab, you’re nuts! (in a fun way!)

GatorGirl GatorGirl January 22, 2014, 4:24 pm

Fab, you’re nuts! (in a fun way!)

bittergaymark bittergaymark January 22, 2014, 5:52 pm

I’ve had relationships end badly — but nobody has ever been hell bent on destroying my life. Hmmmm, maybe they just didn’t care enough.

Addie Pray Addie Pray January 22, 2014, 5:59 pm

Maybe their mission was to just make you really really bitter?

Truth: Mark, in real life, you are Mr. Optimistic, aren’t you? (Wait, what’s the opposite of bitter?)

Lyra Lyra January 22, 2014, 1:22 pm

Prudy McPrude here…how is this a good idea? I don’t see why someone would ONLY interact via sext and never meet each other. Fantasies and whatever sure, but wouldn’t that close someone off to potential real relationships in the area instead of some fantasy all the way across the country? If I met a potential boyfriend and found out he had been sexting someone across the country for any period of time, I would most likely just move on. But again, I’m Prudy McPrude so that probably has something to do with it.

avatar lets_be_honest January 22, 2014, 1:35 pm

I’d be pretty shocked if someone you started dating told you that.

avatar rachel January 22, 2014, 1:41 pm

I don’t see how it would close someone off to a real relationship. It’s basically just porn.

avatar jlyfsh January 22, 2014, 1:44 pm

yeah i think it is just a fantasy for that person. something fun, similar to porn like rachel said that someone might do. i don’t think it would close them off to a real relationship. unless they were unhealthily attached to it or preferred it to a real relationship.

Fabelle Fabelle January 22, 2014, 1:45 pm

What if they were sexting someone NOT across the country? ;)

Lindsay Lindsay January 22, 2014, 6:14 pm

Drew is hilarious!

Reading Brian’s response, though, made me think of the droves of people we hear about who think they’re in a relationship with someone they’ve never met. So, never underestimate someone’s ability to “miss” someone they only know through sexts. That’s not to say it’s normal, but to me, someone who writes in asking about this might be one of those folks.

avatar Brian January 22, 2014, 10:24 pm

Good point.

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