Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

His Take: “Why Do Guys Rebound With Girls Who Are a Step Down?”

DW HIS TAKE LOGOHis Take questions are answered by our panel of smart, opinionated, and funny dudes.

I dated a guy for a several months. He broke up with me out of the blue. I wasn’t too happy about our break-up. We had a lot in common, but he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I implemented the “no contact” rule. He has made attempts to get into contact with me, but only with text messaging. Like, we were in a bar at the same time the whole night and he acted flirty, but, after I went home, he sent me some rude text messages, calling me “facetious” and saying I lied about “happenings” in our relationship. I asked him what I lied about, and got no response. So I blocked and deleted him from my phone, Facebook, and Snapchat. He has tried on other occasions to contact me, but he won’t talk me in person.

About a week after the bar incident, he got a new girlfriend. A mutual friend told me. We live in a small town, so everyone knows everyone. This girl comes from a very drama-filled family (“bat crap crazy” is how people refer to her and her mom). She calls herself a diva. She has a very low-paying job and a child from a previous relationship (she admits to getting pregnant to make the guy stay, but he didn’t). The girl is severely overweight (my ex is a petite guy), looks like a drag queen, doesn’t have any friends or a social life, yada yada.

My question is: why do men sometimes leave a woman and then go and date someone who is several steps down from the woman they left? I’m not trying to be conceited. I truly want to know. Because I know at least three or four of my girlfriends to whom this happened to recently. I’m smart, I have a great, great job, I am athletic and adventurous, I volunteer, and I have a wide network of friends. And yet, my boyfriend dumps me and turns around two months later and is Facebook-official with another girl. He brings her knick-knacks, and he spends time with her family. When he and I dated, he never made the relationship official, but I never pushed it because I wanted him to come to make that move. Now with his new girlfriend, he’s made their relationship official, and her family constantly posts on FB how great he is. (Not that he’s hugely into Facebook though…).

But seriously, can I get insight on why men will breakup with a great girl, and then turn around and date someone who is several steps down? Is it possible he is dating her to get back at me? Do men revenge-date? I don’t really want to date him, but I would like to talk to him again in the future. Maybe in a few months. Also, he just recently hid the fact on Facebook that he was in a relationship with her. I can see it on her page but not on his. Any insight into what this all means? — A Few Steps Above

Screen Shot 2014-01-08 at 7.14.33 PMBrian:What bothers me more than the utter nastiness of your attitude toward the new girlfriend, a total stranger, is the seeming contradictions in the two situations: your former relationship and his current one.

First, he seems to have broken up with you but the details you offered about that doomed relationship are about 1/100th as in-depth as the ones you gave us about the new girlfriend. Why did he break up with you? Why is he so frustrated? The most plausible explanation is that he wanted an FWB and you refused; good move on your part.

His current relationship reads loud and clear as a rebound attempt, even when we look at it from a neutral perspective (i.e. someone who doesn’t want to disparage a total strange for no reason). He’s rushing into it, they quickly went public with the relationship, he’s still seemingly interested in you, etc. — all of that sounds like a rebound, or at least a casual “relationship.” She’s probably totally in the dark and…

…you know what? I’m gonna stop right there because why do you even care about any of this? If this guy is as much of a shitbag as you present him to us, then don’t waste any more of your time wondering about his life. You already deleted his contact from your phone and his Snapchat dick pics and all that newfangled jazz; now you have to take the real plunge: willing yourself, cold turkey, to ignore his very existence.

Screen Shot 2014-02-22 at 7.39.04 PMDiablo Your letter tells me more about you than your ex or his new girl. It would be hard work dating someone who thinks that she is “several steps above” other people. Just on principle, that is unattractive. We are all a mixture of qualities. We are all perfect for someone.

For a “superior” woman, you are quite mean and petty. You describe your ex’s new girl as “several steps below” you, “bat crap crazy,” “seriously overweight,” “looks like a drag queen.” You denigrate her because she has a child and a low paying job, like lots of single mothers deserving support and sympathy.

You need to do some work on you, starting with the unfortunate idea that you are better than anybody.
The guys I’ve known don’t “revenge date.” However, they do sometimes date people for fun, just to have some companionship and maybe get laid, particularly on the rebound. Have you considered that he may actually like the girl, and enjoy her company? Maybe she doesn’t feel like “several steps down” to him.

AndrewDrew: Please do not repeat anything you said in this letter to another human being. You are better than this. I say that because, apparently, you’re smart, you have a great job and a wide network of friends. Whatever the fuck that means. So quit worrying about your ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend. And if you ever want to move on and meet someone new, you might want to stop acting “several steps down” from the person you claim to be.

unnamedGuy Friday: Methinks the lady doth protest too much. You talk about how amazing you are, so you should have guys lining up around the block, right? Why the laser focus on this guy? I think what’s really bothering you is that you’re afraid since your ex has dated both you and a woman who has made several life choices you don’t agree with, you must have more in common with her than you think (because obviously he liked both of you!), but I wouldn’t worry about that though, because I suspect your judgmental behavior here — even if it’s unintentional — was present in the relationship, and that is what caused the break-up. I mean, you block him, but then you complain he “hid” the relationship from you? Maybe his privacy settings on Facebook are different than hers. Or maybe, you know, he didn’t feel obligated to tell his ex when he started dating someone new, because what good would that do?

I get that you’re obviously still hurting from the break-up, no matter what you say here to the contrary, but you’re not going to move forward by assuming he’s somehow “settling” for her. Men don’t “revenge date” any more than women do; it’s a waste of our time. If he’s with her, and he’s as happy with her as you claim he is, there is probably something in her that he sees as worthy of his time and effort. But instead of trying to figure out what that is, I’d suggest looking inward and using your experiences in this relationship to help you discover what you do and don’t want in your next one. Or don’t do that, but accept that it’ll mean you’re going to be lonely for a lot longer than you have to be.

If you’d like to ask the guys a question, email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with “His Take” in the subject line and I’ll pass your question along to them.

80 comments… add one
  • avatar

    TheRascal September 11, 2014, 1:06 pm

    “But seriously, can I get insight on why men will breakup with a great girl, and then turn around and date someone who is several steps down?”
    *
    Who are you to determine that you are so much above this other person? Get over yourself, please. Does it make you feel better to harbor all this negativity? Are you trying to soothe your own hurt feelings by putting someone else down? Yes. Duh. It’s obvious. And bratty. And immature.
    *
    I agree with what Diablo says: “Your letter tells me more about you than your ex or his new girl. It would be hard work dating someone who thinks that she is “several steps above” other people.”

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  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite September 11, 2014, 1:14 pm

    Wow, maybe people prefer divas over the wicked witches. Either way, it doesn’t affect you so why do you care so much?

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    • Lyra

      Lyra September 11, 2014, 2:39 pm

      It’s like the musical Wicked!!!! Glinda always got the guy!!!! Well…almost always…

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  • Amanda

    Amanda September 11, 2014, 1:21 pm

    Oh, honey. You may not be trying to be conceited…but you are.

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    • Amanda

      Amanda September 11, 2014, 4:16 pm

      Let me try to give some advice here. Never refer to someone as “several steps down”. Eradicate that mindset, seriously. (Unless said person is a murderer or something, but I digress). People are complicated. You may have a better job but she may be more concerned with spending time with her child. Neither of these make either of you better than the other. Just different. So knock that shit off.
      .
      As for why he’s dating her…who knows? Maybe he just is using her to get laid and will dump her in six weeks. Maybe they’ll get married. Regardless – it doesn’t matter. The relationship is over. You’ve been stung and you’re upset (I’m guessing you’re usually the dumper, not the dumpee). Be upset! Cry to your friends. Eat too much ice cream. Get a massage. Run. Do something – ANYTHING – but focus on him and his new girlfriend. Because if you don’t? That’ll just make you bitter. And nobody wants to date that.

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  • avatar

    Jenny September 11, 2014, 1:28 pm

    “But seriously, can I get insight on why men will breakup with a great girl, and then turn around and date someone who is several steps down? ”

    LW, I think you and I (and most people) have a different definition of “great girl”. If you want to attract a great person, then BE a great person. Stop saying such ugly and hateful things about other people. Get a fucking hobby so you stop worrying about Facebook so much. I’d suggest charity work.

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    • avatar

      TheRascal September 11, 2014, 1:31 pm

      “If you want to attract a great person, then BE a great person. Stop saying such ugly and hateful things about other people.” SO spot on.

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  • avatar

    MsMisery September 11, 2014, 1:34 pm

    Oy vey. What the dudes said.

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  • avatar

    csp September 11, 2014, 1:42 pm

    OK, I am going to take a different approach. Frankly, no one answered your question. Usually, if you see someone with a bunch of culturally bad baggage (low earning potential, weight issues, bad past relationships, ect) they make up for it with being really grateful to be in the relationship. They show how much they appreciate the guy. They fawn over him and make him feel needed. There isn’t the feeling that the guy should feel so lucky to be with her. Also, maybe she is crazy in the sack.

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    • avatar

      RedroverRedrover September 11, 2014, 1:46 pm

      Love this for “crazy in the sack”.

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    • avatar

      Jenny September 11, 2014, 1:54 pm

      Or, here’s a crazy thought…maybe she’s a nice person? There’s a bunch of qualities that people look for in a mate. The examples you list (low earning potential, weight issues, bad past relationships) are things that are 1) true of a lot of people and 2) not things that make people unlovable, so I don’t think people with those traits are just feeling soooo grateful for someone to be paying attention to them. I don’t give a shit what you look like or how much you make, if you find someone who loves you, you should be grateful.

      I just don’t think this LW’s ego needs any more stroking.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh September 11, 2014, 1:57 pm

        Yeah I agree. This LW doesn’t seem to need any additional help judging other people.

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      • avatar

        csp September 11, 2014, 4:05 pm

        so here is the thing. She is over analyzing her breakup. She is looking at her replacement. This letter might sound rough but after getting dumped, I don’t know if I wouldn’t judge the heck out of my replacement.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh September 11, 2014, 4:11 pm

        But what she’s doing isn’t helpful. And that’s what people are trying to remind her of. Judge away, but at the end of the day picking apart the person your ex is dating does nothing for you. It’s not going to give you an answer to why the person broke up with you. And honestly it sounds like she has terrible self esteem because she really wants to potentially date this guy again?

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      • avatar

        csp September 11, 2014, 4:40 pm

        So I agree unless this kind of search leads you to personal growth. When my SIL got divorced, she really looked at what she contributed to her breakup. Even though he cheated, she processed everything and is a better partner in her new relationship. She would have acted the same had she learned nothing from that.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh September 11, 2014, 4:59 pm

        but judging someone else does nothing for personal growth. it just provides a way to avoid it.

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      • avatar

        csp September 11, 2014, 4:03 pm

        or maybe this is the lightbulb she needs. Maybe she will see a reflection in this past relationship that she wasn’t showing these things. She can’t see what this person is bringing to the table and everyone being mean doesn’t give her any real insight.

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      • avatar

        Jenny September 11, 2014, 4:34 pm

        I don’t think people are being mean. A bit harsh, sure, but not mean. I’m usually all about sympathy to the LWs but in this case, she’s talking so horribly about a girl who sounds like she’s had a pretty tough life. I think as far as the internet goes, DW commenters are pretty kind. Maybe the response she’s getting will help her to think twice before saying such nasty things about someone else.
        I just get super frustrated with a woman being nasty to another woman over a crappy guy.

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      • avatar

        csp September 11, 2014, 4:50 pm

        I just think that no one actually answered her question, they just judged her for the way she asked it. I know that there should be more female solidarity and I appreciate your anger. But just like a job that you were rejected for, there is a reason that they didn’t work out. Learning that reason can better help you the next go around.

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      • avatar

        Jenny September 11, 2014, 5:00 pm

        My question is: why do men sometimes leave a woman and then go and date someone who is several steps down from the woman they left?

        Nobody answered that question because it wasn’t a valid question. “Several steps down” aside from being rude is completely subjective. Nobody but the guy in question can answer that question for her. So instead, we focused on challenging her premise that she is “several steps” above another woman.
        I agree it’s helpful to know why your relationship didn’t work out but none of us can tell her that. Besides, she barely told us about her relationship with him.

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh September 11, 2014, 1:46 pm

    Does it matter why he chose her after you? Maybe instead of questioning why people date someone else after they date you, you should ask yourself why your relationship ended. Maybe work on judging other people less and honestly this guy is not a catch. He’s talking to you while ‘in a relationship’ with someone else. Do you really want to talk to him in a few months? Really? That’s what you want? Focus on yourself more and on other people less.

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  • kare

    kare September 11, 2014, 1:47 pm

    I’m sure if anyone lined up my ex boyfriends, rebounds, FWBs, etc, it would look all over the map. Height, weight, hair color, eye color, job status, social status, religion, and every other detail is all over the place. The only connecting thread is that these were all guys who I enjoyed spending time with and found easy to talk to. Attraction is obviously important to a relationship, but physical appearance is just one of many factors.

    Oh and drag queens are fucking fierce. I would kill to have their skills.

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  • avatar

    ktfran September 11, 2014, 1:59 pm

    I absolutely loved Diablo’s response. And Drew’s. As for Brian’s, maybe is a rebound relationship, but I don’t think that’s necessarily the case. There are tons of people who are in relationships, something isn’t working, break up and quickly move on and end up with the next person. I actually think that happens a lot. Or, I’ve seen it happen a lot. Then again, maybe this is a rebound. But as every single one of the guys said… who the fuck cares? It’s not the LW’s business or problem any more.

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    • avatar

      Brian Fairbanks September 11, 2014, 2:08 pm

      Then why is he still (clearly) interested in her? We only get LW’s side of the story anyway, but it sounds like he’s not over her necessarily.

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      • avatar

        ktfran September 11, 2014, 2:16 pm

        You’re being sarcastic right? Did I not get the sarcasm the first go?

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  • avatar

    HmC September 11, 2014, 2:09 pm

    Ugh LW, I know you say you’re not trying to be “conceited” but there isn’t really a way to ask the question you are in a non-conceited way. People aren’t so simple they fit into convenient levels of acceptability, especially when it comes to something as complicated as relationship compatibility. You seem to know an awful lot about the inner workings of your ex’s relationship, given that you are supposedly ignoring him. Perhaps you are not on as high of a step as you seem to think.

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray September 11, 2014, 2:09 pm

    The guys are all wrong. LW: It’s because strong, beautiful, amazing women with the whole package like you are too intimidating to men. He recognized your beauty and strength but was too much of a coward and was not strong enough to be the man you deserve. That’s why.

    (Hahaha, you know all her tons and tons of friends are saying that RIGHT NOW AS AS WE SPEAK.)

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  • Miss MJ

    Miss MJ September 11, 2014, 2:20 pm

    Why is he in a relationship with a new girl? I’d guess it’s because he was single, she was single and he likes her.
    .
    But she’s not as pretty as me, or as thin as me, and she doesn’t have any money, and she has a kid! Oh, and her family is total trash! Why would he date someone like that? Superficial things like looks and money and pedigree aren’t the most important thing to a lot of people. Some people care more about qualities like kindness, genuineness, sincerity, and thoughtfulness, and I’d wager that the new girl outshines you in all of them.
    .
    Seriously, LW, I hope the responses you are getting to this letter make you do some real soul-searching and self-improvement because your current attitude is just sad and unspeakably ugly.

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  • avatar

    SasLinna September 11, 2014, 2:34 pm

    I think your self-confidence took a hit because of this break up and now you’re looking for some kind of reassurance that you’re higher up in the hierarchy than your ex’s new girlfriend. But you’re looking in the wrong place – putting another woman down won’t help you feel better. Honestly your ex probably just has a different taste than you. The fact that he broke up with you and is dating another woman now doesn’t mean you’re not worthy. It just means that for your ex things weren’t quite right. There are other people out there who will like you for who you are and you should try to build up some self-confidence that doesn’t rely on seeing other people as lesser than.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo September 11, 2014, 2:42 pm

    See, now I feel sorry for the LW. We’re all being very sharp, including me, and I didn’t realize wen i wrote my bit how much more piling on would happen. She’s hurting. She sees herself as a great girl, and there’s nothing too wrong with that. She wants reasons. LW, sometimes there are no reasons. Things just don’t work out and there is no “math” you can do to calculate the “area under the curve” for why he did not want to be with you. You could be a nightmare of ego, or you could be a nice person who didn’t think hard enough about how this letter would sound. Focus on being a great person and you’ll find someone who wants to be with you. Sorry if my response was hurtful.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray September 11, 2014, 3:03 pm

      Ah man, now I feel bad too. But… I dunno, she has a lot of nasty nasty-nast for the new girl. That is making it hard to sympathize with her.

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster September 11, 2014, 1:44 pm

    My takeaway from this after my brain shut off from LW’s shallow attitude was about Snapchat. Lol.
    Last February my ex and I had this conversation:
    Him: Yeah, my friend lectures at high schools about social media: Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat-
    Me: What is Snapchat?
    Him: Blank stare
    Me: We’re old. Let’s call my little brother…

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark September 11, 2014, 2:50 pm

    LW, she apparently looks as ugly as you sound.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. September 11, 2014, 3:03 pm

    He’s dating this girl for the same reason anyone dates anyone: he likes her. Why does he like her? That’s not something you should concern yourself with. He just does. Granted, getting pregnant to make a guy stay is not a good reason, but that doesn’t make her a bad person. It makes her a person who made a bad decision, and who hasn’t done that? (Although, I must take anyone to task who calls herself a diva. Divas are tiresome. Isn’t that right, LW?) You need to just forget about it and move on with your life.

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    • avatar

      Simonthegrey September 15, 2014, 7:20 pm

      We also don’t know how old she was when she made that choice; I would think less badly of a 16 or 17 or even 20 year old doing it than I would a 25, 30, or 35 year old.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. September 11, 2014, 3:04 pm

    I would also like to say that I love when Guy Friday answers things, not only because his answers tend to make sense to me, but also because I get to see his magnificent avatar.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray September 11, 2014, 3:07 pm

      do you ever read things really fast – so fast you read things wrong the first time? – i do. always. in fact, if i just slowed down and read carefully the first time, i wouldn’t have to re-read things 4 times to understand them. anyway, i kept seeing your words as “Guy Friday’s magnificent vibrator” and i kept thinking “WHAT? WHERE? WHY?”

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. September 11, 2014, 3:10 pm

        HAHAHA!!! I can see where your mind is, today!

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  • findingtheearth

    findingtheearth September 11, 2014, 3:12 pm

    Maybe he purposely sought out behaviors and characteristics that are different than you because he wanted a change. Maybe it was subconscious. Maybe it was neither of those reasons. I do feel bad for you LW, we are taught to hate the people that replace us, because if you were so wonderful he would never have left you, right? But relationships end. Use the time to find more hobbies, new people, and new places.

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  • lynn

    Lynn September 11, 2014, 3:15 pm

    I don’t know. I think a lot of people have asked this question. Maybe not out loud, but have thought, “why is he with her?” Yeah, you shouldn’t judge others like that, but people do. For example, I’ve asked for advice regarding a guy I wasted a lot of time on in the past and how he has this new girlfriend. And I think she’s a cute girl but with an ugly personality. For a while, it was hard to not compare myself to her and basically think I was better than her, but eventually I realized he’s with because he’s with her and he must love her and he must love certain things about her. And he doesn’t love me. But I would be a big fat liar if I told you that I didn’t judge her and thought, “this girl is crazy, why is he with her?” when she had a complete public meltdown about one of our mutual friends going on a trip with me, and also shoulder bumped me at another function we both were invited to (who does that though? Honestly?? Especially when I wasn’t doing anything but standing at the bar area with a gal pal). Obviously I didn’t say anything to her or even react at all when she shoulder bumped me, but I sure thought some not-so-nice things in my head about her as well as him. So idk. I guess I can get the LW’s thought process. Idk.

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  • avatar

    Budj September 11, 2014, 3:24 pm

    Drew said it best. Short and sweet.

    Lw, You are stuck on this because you view this girl as beneath you and think the fact he is with her somehow reflects on you in a less than favorable way… It doesn’t…

    Also your standoffishness with making it official may have contributed to the break up because that mixed with a high opinion of one’s self can be misconstrued as arrogance (and maybe it is…?). It’s great you have a high self-image since many people suffer the opposite, but tempering the way your portray it outwardly might help a lot in your future romantic endeavors.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray September 11, 2014, 3:30 pm

      *gasp*

      budjy poo? is that you?

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    • Diablo

      Diablo September 11, 2014, 3:35 pm

      The Budj is Back!

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    • avatar

      Budj September 11, 2014, 3:42 pm

      I lurk from time to time… Work network blocked dw categorizing it as “adult content” Haha.

      Phone typing is a pain in the bum.

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  • avatar

    Lucy September 11, 2014, 3:36 pm

    I am a whisker away from busting out the c word on this LW. It will not take much to push me over the line. Just… WOW.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray September 11, 2014, 3:44 pm

      (i heard the LW said a mean thing about your mom…)

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  • avatar

    jhoran85 September 11, 2014, 3:39 pm

    LW, I’ve been in a similar situation and I can see where you are coming from. My ex, who I was with for over a year, picked up with a girl (who I am 90% sure he was cheating with in the last few weeks of our relationship) after I ended things with him. This girl was the definition of white trash. They are apparently still together, over 3 years later, and the way I look at is trash begets trash. In your case, it sounds like the guy is decent, but its possible this girl has been after him for awhile, and he likes/needs the attention and drama that she supplies.

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  • avatar

    Lily in NYC September 11, 2014, 3:41 pm

    Wowza. Here’s the thing: the qualities you mention about yourself as being so great are things many women look for in a man, but not vice versa. The men I know don’t give a crap about if a woman they like volunteers or has lots of friends. Of course I am generalizing, but they just want a person who makes them feel good about themselves and accepts them for who they are. If I had a dime for every time one of my friends convinced herself some guy she liked wasn’t making a move because he was “so intimidated” by her amazing job, personality and looks. Total BS!!! Who know why he picked her? Maybe you were critical and tried to get him to change. Maybe you aren’t very nice (ahem). It doesn’t matter. He chose her. And you sound like a gossipy mean-girl.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom September 11, 2014, 4:51 pm

      I think there’s a lot of merit to this idea. Men and women are often looking for different qualities in a partner.

      Maybe your friend group didn’t feel welcoming or he didn’t like the dynamic of it while she may be happy to spend more time with him doing what he likes to do or hanging out with his friends.

      Maybe she has more of the same interests as him so he doesn’t feel compelled to do things he finds boring.

      You said that he accused you of lying. Did you? Could he have found out something about you that made him feel you were dishonest? Your income and attractive body don’t compensate for lies.

      Maybe she makes him feel more needed and more valued than he felt with you.

      Maybe her family is more excited about him and likes him more than your family did.

      None of these things has anything to do with income or physical attractiveness but they can make or break a relationship

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  • Lady_Red

    Red_Lady September 11, 2014, 3:56 pm

    I think this is a legitimate question, maybe just worded the wrong way. LW is seeing a pattern of ex-boyfriends of herself and her friends moving on with girls that are much different. It’s easy to think that yourself and your friends are a good catch, because you should have confidence in yourself, and if you think your friends are no good, then why would you be friends with them? Isn’t it pretty common that a person has the qualities that they value, and surrounds themselves with friends who also exhibit those qualities? It’s also easy to think of people that don’t have those same qualities as “inferior”. Of course, you’d never say that out loud, but who doesn’t think that? Or am I just a horrible person? I mean, seriously, who has never silently judged others? This girl just happened to write it down and send it in anonymously to an advice column, wanting to get some insight on her thoughts.

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    • avatar

      Lily in NYC September 11, 2014, 4:13 pm

      I think the difference is self-awareness. When I have silently judged someone, I always know it comes from a place of anger or insecurity. I wouldn’t dream of verbalizing it (even anonymously) because I know it’s awful and unfair and probably untrue. In addition, there’s judging and then there’s spiteful nastiness. This was the latter.

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    • avatar

      ktfran September 11, 2014, 4:59 pm

      So, I judge people. And I often think “wow, I’m way prettier/skinnier/smarter/insert whatever adjective here.” The thing is, if someone I’ve dated or I’m interested in chose somebody else and didn’t choose me, I would think, well, if he’s interested in that person no wonder he doesn’t like me. And it might not even be superficial. Maybe that person was sportier. I suck at sports and don’t pretend otherwise. Or maybe they just had more in common.
      .
      I guess the older I get, the more I realize it’s pointless to dwell on this kind of stuff because people are who they are. They like who or what they like. If that’s not you, be happy that you’re fee to find the person who does like you.

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  • mylaray

    mylaray September 11, 2014, 4:31 pm

    Oh man, I kinda don’t even want to admit this. But I’ve felt this way with every ex and his new girlfriend (which always happened right away). I mean, for the record I didn’t think the terrible things the LW has said, but I did think damn, I’m way prettier. And the first thing I thought is “what’s wrong with me?” I felt like the common denominator and it made me take a deep look at myself and why I wasn’t attracting what I wanted. For me, I was a pushover. I wouldn’t open up at all. It makes sense to me now, but at the time I was thinking about superficial things. And for me I know I’ve used my attractiveness as an advantage when I didn’t have much else to offer.
    .
    And LW, I don’t think you have high self esteem. Your letter comes across as very insecure, and lacking awareness. Often times, it’s you who has to change.

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    • suzyinthesky

      suzyinthesky September 12, 2014, 6:59 am

      This!!

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  • avatar

    Carol September 11, 2014, 4:46 pm

    I’m not sure what to add to this discussion. I agree with pretty much every thing shared here. But I will say that I’ve also often been in the LW position – thinking being pretty, a great job and friends made me a perfect significant other. What I realized is in order for me to have a great relationship I had to both create the open time in my life for one and be open to having them contribute things to the relationship that I wasn’t doing on my own. Didn’t so much matter if that was checking out my car, chopping firewood or making dinner regularly but everyone wants to feel important in their relationship. So let go of what’s bugging you with this. And focus on not only becoming the person you would want to be with but make sure there’s space in your life for someone to be that person.

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    • avatar

      csp September 11, 2014, 5:01 pm

      This is a great answer! I hope the LW reads to the bottom of the thread.

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  • avatar

    Sue Jones September 11, 2014, 5:02 pm

    Sometimes a guy rebounds on the first easiest thing that comes along. Perhaps this girl was low hanging fruit. The old saying “women mourn, men replace” holds true. And then there is the “anyone but you” factor. I had a guy do this to me. I had just gotten my medical license, his life wasn’t going so well, so he had to cheat on me to bolster his insecurity. And all of the women he cheated on me with were overweight with low self-esteem and had nothing else going on in their lives… they all seemed to clean houses for a living. Glad to be married now to someone who isn’t insecure.

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  • avatar

    Molly September 11, 2014, 6:47 pm

    Honestly, the stuff that you are listing as “step-down” qualities are pretty superficial. Maybe he has better chemistry with her? Maybe she has some inner qualities that he enjoys? I heard once that men cheat with women that aren’t necessarily more attractive than their partners, but tend to cheat with women that make them feel important and good about themselves. Maybe that is the case here?

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  • Monkeysmommy

    monkey's mommy September 11, 2014, 6:56 pm

    OP, the former low earning single mom that married a great catch, my first instinct is to rip your ass apart; however the bread winning, calmer me is going to answer your question. She likely makes up for her short comings. She makes him feel appreciated; your smart, good looking, conceited ass probably didn’t. She is claiming him, integrating him into her family, etc, instead of expecting him to do all the work and make all the moves. He’s frustrated with you because you are too much about you to be about him. And that is why he chose her, dear.

    PS… The hottest chick can be ugly with an attitude like yours.

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  • norabb

    Norabb September 11, 2014, 7:25 pm

    What’s wrong with looking like a drag queen?

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  • something random

    something random September 11, 2014, 10:20 pm

    I liked all the men’s advice but Drew’s was my favorite. Funny wins me over every time.

    LW, What stuck me about this letter was how gossipy it felt. How on earth do you know fact from fiction? Everything you mentioned except for the weight sounded like middle school rumors. I mean word gets around town but most adults take these things at face value. I think you need to spend less time on Facebook and more time getting to know people in person. This will prohibit you from spending all your time idly speculating about men that should no longer matter (you weren’t even couple, you just dated awhile). It will also help your judgments to be more credible as they will be based on your own firsthand experience. After a while you may even be able to critically review yourself enough to attain some personal growth. Try it and good luck.

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  • avatar

    marynn September 12, 2014, 12:14 am

    First, I hope this letter is just you venting and that, like Drew said, you have not shared your views with anyone else, because it will only be bad for you. I hope you realize the way you talk about someone else reflects so much on you and I hope this is just an exaggerated vent.
    Second, I think you need to stop stalking him on FB, seriously. It won’t do you any good and it’s no way to know how someone really feels any way.
    I used to be such a huge social media stalker, really disgusting. But I kinda learned not to look at stuff that I don’t want to see, or that I know will be bad for me. I have an ex that I had SUCH a hard time NOT stalking, but what kept me from doing it was to the fact that if I found out something that hurt me (i.e. that he had a new girlfriend a few months after we broke up) I would feel double shitty that I did that to myself.
    Third, who he is dating now is not a reflection on you, it has nothing to do with you really. After all, he broke up with you because it was not working. Does it really surprise you that he found someone so different? Maybe the timeframe is shady, but well, shit happens, people fall in love, whatever. He didn’t even leave you FOR her, he just met her afterwards.
    I don’t know, it just seems to me that if your life is so great and your friends so awesome, why are you fretting so much about this?

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  • Nookie

    Nookie September 12, 2014, 6:37 am

    I can’t believe no one’s said ‘he just wasn’t that into you’. Why he’s with this new girl is a question we could ponder for eternity but it sounds like she has something that he was looking for. It sucks to get dumped and it sucks more to see the next person that the dumper is with but ultimately, it doesn’t matter. You weren’t right together and now you’re free to find someone else that is looking for what you’ve got to offer.

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  • avatar

    nolady September 12, 2014, 10:11 am

    Go Drew – great response!

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 September 12, 2014, 11:11 am

    Is anybody going to get mad at me if I tell the real reason this happens? So basically a week after the bar incident, he was like man I need to get a new GF asap to make you jealous, and shove everything you wanted him to do, but didn’t in your face (this seems to be working). The way to get a GF like that so quickly is to go for a less attractive girl that you know has had a crush on you.

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    • avatar

      Rachel July 6, 2017, 8:39 pm

      Yep. My ex posts on Tumblr that she is the love of his life, because he knows I see it. They’ve been together for a month. We are adults.

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  • avatar

    kali September 12, 2014, 11:37 am

    LW: see how negatively the men responded to your letter? That’s why your boyfriend moved on and likely why he’s with the new chick – you probably want to work on the attitude.
    .
    My ex-husband is now married to someone that everyone tells me doesn’t measure up to me. I’ve met her a few times and we’ve talked and she’s definitely not me. BUT THAT’S WHAT HE WANTED. She’s easier to live with than I was… doesn’t challenge him mentally and thinks he walks on water. Great. He’s happy. So am I.
    .
    Just MOA and let him date whomever he chooses. Not everyone wants an equal partner, some people want to coast. It’s their choice.

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  • avatar

    Ali September 13, 2014, 10:58 am

    I don’t understand all the soapboxing in response to this letter. We ALL have standards by which we JUDGE (yes, I said the J word) potential life partners (and friends, and acquaintances, etc. etc. etc.). You cannot make any decisions for yourself in life unless you have principals and standards and that necessitates making judgments and creating binaries.

    First of all, this guy doesn’t sound like much in the brains department, since he told the LW he didn’t want a girlfriend and then got a new one a week later in their very small town and an even smaller circle. He also sounds disgustingly inconsiderate–he knew he really hurt the LW’s feelings by breaking up with her out of the blue, and instead of respecting her no contact rule so that she could heal, he continued to bother her.

    That said, why are so many people on this thread so self-congratulatory about being non-judgmental? You know as well as I do that you’ve been asked the question “What do you think about so-and-so’s new bf/gf?” and at times, your opinion has not been favorable due to the person’s behavior/associations/status/appearance/whatever. I know everyone has read The Secret and everything, but the fact remains that prior to all this new age pretend positivity bullshit, we were all hardwired to have both positive AND negative feelings about everything in life, including other people. It is normal and okay to not like people, even if the reason makes others uncomfortable (perhaps because they have the same prejudices and don’t want to admit it). I’ve read people on these threads referring to LWs and the “characters” in their letters as assholes, d-bags, deadbeats, perverts, sluts, etc. Those are judgments, guys. I’m not saying any of them are right are wrong, but you (and I–I’m not excluding myself from this because I’m judgmental as fuck) are deciding the values of those people based on their behaviors, treatment of others, careers, choices, (including their choices of activity, clothing, fitness, etc). So when this LW says that the girl her ex is with now is several steps down from her, you know exactly what she means and there’s no point in playing coy and innocent–our society, and indeed many of us, looks at others and places a value on them based on what they contribute. Imagine your brother/sister/son/daughter/best friend bringing around a new SO who is really awful–tacky, tons of baggage, no career, drama llama–you can try to play the saint and say you wouldn’t at least be turned off to this person, but the majority of you know you would be thinking or saying something negative about it after the fact, whether just to your nearest and dearest or (less appropriately) on Facebook or Twitter. It sounds like this new gf does not compare to the LW on this basis, which has the LW feeling duped and upset at the unfairness of the situation. She needs to realize that life is unfair, immature people of all genders make decisions about their love lives based on other things besides their partners’ worthiness (which many commenters have already mentioned and detailed), and that while this girl may be several steps down, it’s not a reflection on the LW so she should move on and up in her own life.

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    • avatar

      Blackwood September 14, 2014, 10:32 am

      maybe you should try to give LW a call, since it seems you two are meant for each other?
      After all, she feels she’s several steps above her ex’s new GF and you apparently feel the same kind of contempt towards most of the people who posted here.

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      • avatar

        MissDre September 14, 2014, 7:20 pm

        I dunno. Maybe I’m a horrible person or something but I totally agree with @Ali.

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      • avatar

        Ali September 16, 2014, 5:22 pm

        I’m not mad at anyone who posted here. I just think a lot of posters are acting like they’ve never heard of this sentiment before, but it’s a totally normal thing for someone to say “oh she’s out of his league” or “he could do better than her.” Most of us, for example, hope that our kids will find partners who are responsible, motivated, stable and respectful. I think many would take issue if our sons or daughters showed up for Thanksgiving with a loud-mouth, unemployed bigot wearing dirty clothes instead–but as many commenters and Wendy herself said, it’s not the LW’s (or anyone else’s) problem. It’s a judgment–I’m just saying I don’t find it outlandish or evil that she is making it because many of us do the same.

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    • something random

      something random September 15, 2014, 12:15 am

      When one writes a letter to Wendy’s guys one is requesting judgement about a situation described, so one shouldn’t be surprised when the men pull out a couple of soapboxes.

      We know nothing about the new girlfriend except what letter writer describes. The question LW asks is for insight in why a guy would break up with a great girl and then go several steps down.
      LW isn’t being criticized for judging. Its because her judgement process sucks.

      First of all, I’m not sure that lw was ever even in a real relationship with “boyfriend”. I think they just dated for “several months” whatever that means. Its probably lw trying to make three or four months sound like more. He stopped dating letter writer because he just didn’t like her that much. That’s the only reason it stops “out of the blue” because “he didn’t want a relationship”. (WITH YOU LW!, HE DIDN’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU)

      At this point most lw’s would have figured they just weren’t right together. Super insecure people who can’t stop obsessing won’t be satisfied by that.

      So two months later they’re making eyes at a bar. But she won’t go home with him and he sends her some stupid drunk texts. Most people would NOT assume that he must be harboring confusing deep feelings and maybe there’s a chance. That was the vibe I got. That she was still interested at this point. That she didn’t see this guy as the ass who had tried for a bootycall and when rejected sent a bunch kiss my ass bullshit texts.

      And remember this is two months after they stopped dating after their “several month” non-relationship.

      So. She finds out he has a new girl. With whom he’s actually in a real relationship. Instead of judging what a creep she was dating before, its this new woman that she doesn’t even know who gets crapped all over. Because letter writer is “a few steps up”. She sounds like her ass is a few steps up from her head.

      LWs judging all the wrong stuff. She’s judging gossip and rumors, and Facebook photos and a bunch of other bullshit items because she’s still so insecure that clearly anyone her non-ex dates has everything to do with her. LW keeps inviting herself into a narrative that doesn’t even include her.
      “Is there such thing as revenge dating” Christ.

      As far as the description of the girlfriend go, I stand by my first post. You can tell someone is fat and wears heavy makeup. But the rest of that crap was just idle gossip and Facebook.

      This has nothing to do with the letter writer being better than anyone. Its like a man who thinks because he’s a nice guy, he’s owed a beautiful piece of ass. We all make judgments but we take it context. We don’t literally believe we know other human being’s values based on our small encounters and observations. Or who someone deserves. Most of us don’t anyway.

      I would have been nicer to this letter writer but attitude begets attitude. I haven’t read through a whole lot of the comments but the guys were more than fair.

      I hope I don’t sound too bitchy when I read this tomorrow. I’m pretty tired. Night all.

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  • avatar

    Amy April 17, 2017, 8:52 am

    He is totally rebounding with the first person who gave him attention. It’s safe and she is probably affirming him and building his ego at a time when he is unsure of himself. I know exactly what you’re talking about. It happens often. It is the way she is making him feel. Unfortunately it is temporary and she will end up hurt by him when he leaves her. Very common scenario. Let it play out while you stay calm and cool.

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  • avatar

    Andi May 16, 2017, 2:39 am

    I can see where the original poster is coming from… im going through something similar.
    You can all jump down off the high horse right now.. because if you care/cared for someone and then they do something that doesn’t make sense emotionally your gonna question yourself and compare to the new piece that your surprised they are into.
    in the end its all a learning curve and people shouldn’t be so quick to be self righteous… “ooo I wouldn’t do that”
    we all do.

    Time has passed since the person LW originally posted. I hope they are in a happier place and in general have moved on from this bloke. he seems like a bit of a time waster with his own issues…. the other lass can have him.

    I know that’s how I feel about my similar issue. .. I look to the person who hes chosen.. in my case. I don’t see why… but Im not meant to 🙂 good riddance.

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    • avatar

      Ron May 16, 2017, 7:29 am

      Bullshit! Being common and being beneficial aren’t the same thing.

      Also, it continues to amaze me how posters can jump all over calling 20-22 year old women girls and use the term piece or side-piece to refer to other women. You do know that this is short for piece-of-ass, don’t you. A rather demeaning way to refer to other women. Yep, she’s nothing but genitals and legs to move them around.

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  • avatar

    Rachel July 6, 2017, 8:21 pm

    Guys – Can none of you point to another person and say he/she is more attractive or more sophisticated or smarter than me? Sure you can, and so can OP. It might be noble to pretend we’re all equal, but it’s not true.
    Anyway, this happened to me recently. He broke up with me for a stupid reason and freaked out less than a day later. I had secretly been wanting out of the relationship, so I ran. He snagged the first girl that would go out with him in an attempt to make me jealous. Just get a good laugh out of it and move on.

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  • avatar

    LanaInCali August 30, 2017, 5:25 am

    **First of all, you.re asking the WRONG people about this. It.s funny reading these guys’ response. It.s all negative and they.re bashing you. Obviously, these guys here are mediocre, average to below average in looks and NOT hot guys and i.m going to bet IF they have women, she.s unattractive, below average and over weight and that.s why these guys are so angry.

    Your question is a real question. Looks mean A LOT. Men judge women allll the time, who.s hot, who.s pretty, who.s not, who.s fat, and they salivate over models, Playboy, Victoria Secret, you name it. Nightclub wise, the unattractive fat friend is always left holding the purse while her pretty friends have all the fun.
    Your answer, some men need time to grow.. maybe he wasn.t ready when you were together..it wasn.t you, it was him. Also, some men can.t handle Pretty Women… they.re too insecure…they get girlfriends, wives who are ugly and fat because they know these girls aren.t going anywhere. They.ll stay and take ANYTHING as they.re afraid they.ll never get another decent looking guy. He can treat her how he wants she.s not going anywhere and he won.t be afraid that she.ll dump him for another guy. He.s secure with her, men are NOT secure with pretty females. They.re always afraid they.ll lose her and always wonder why she.s with him.

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    • Guy Friday

      Guy Friday September 20, 2017, 8:08 am

      *keeps saying to himself “Don’t feed the troll. Don’t feed the troll . . .” * 🙂

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  • avatar

    Anonymous September 19, 2017, 11:54 pm

    Shes Paying Him…😂

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  • avatar

    Leslie Joan September 20, 2017, 9:31 am

    This whole thread is hilarious. Seriously. I mean, LW thinks that the New Woman is a drama queen who’s batpoop crazy, while she is going on and on at length and after having spent a lot of time about the New Woman, and about her interactions with someone she never really connected with. But instead it’s gotta be about anything other than connections and lack thereof, but HASSSS to be about relative standings on some arbitrary hotness and earnings scale, and HASSS to be about rebounding. Since LW has already demonstrated that she simply never connected with the guy, it just can’t POSSIBLY be that she isn’t what he wants, and this new one is. Lol. Because it’s really classy and mature to FB stalk your ex or his new squeeze. Because the only POSSIBLE attraction can be some arbitrary classification of hawtness. And Baskin Robbins only serves one flavor of ice cream.

    The original question can’t be answered because it assumes buy-in to a value system that just doesn’t operate in many people’s worlds. You two are dating on different planets. And you really need to ask what is says about you to be allllll up in your ex’s business when you simply weren’t right for each other.

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