Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“How Do I Pursue a NSA Arrangment With a New Guy?”

Heart shaped rope on white

I was divorced eighteen months ago. I have since decided to engage in NSA arrangements only. I met a man online whom I corresponded with for ten days before meeting up. We decided online that we both want a NSA arrangement. Both of us are lawyers and, when we met up, we talked for hours and then had sex. We cuddled and chatted for hours afterwards as well. The next day, he thanked me for a lovely evening and said that he wanted to see me again some time. A week went by without my hearing from him. Then I sent him an email with my masters thesis since we had spoken about that the time we met. He thanked me and said he would go through the thesis later as it sounded interesting. Another three days passed before he sent a message asking how I was and apologizing for the lack of communication, explaining he had been very busy. He indicated that he is looking forward to meeting up soon, but no plans were made or rules discussed for the NSA arrangements between us. I’ve let it be as I’m not a pushy person and I go with the flow though I did tell him that I’m looking forward to another meeting, too. That was three days ago. How should I handle this situation? Am I allowed to text him asking about his day without his worrying that I’m feeling more, or should I just wait to hear from him? — Needing NSA Rules

Are you sure you really want a no-strings-attached arrangement? Because it sounds very much like you want the strings. You mention all the talking you did on the first meet up, the cuddling, and how you shared your masters thesis (Huh? Why would anyone, let alone someone you’re presumably just screwing with no strings attached, want to read your masters thesis? Zzzz.). And then you seem to think that making plans to have sex with the person you’ve agreed to have NSA sex with might scare him off. None of this reflects the attitude of someone who is simply looking for someone to have (NSA) sex with. This sounds more like someone who wants a relationship and is developing an emotional attachment and all the fears and worries that come along with that.

So, be honest with yourself, and then be honest with this guy. If it’s truly NSA sex you want, shoot him a text and say, “You free this weekend for some fun at my place? Would love to enjoy your company!” That’s packed with enough innuendo to get the point across without seeming too date-y. But if what you desire is an actual date that might lead to more dates and eventually a relationship (with strings), ask him if he’d like to go out for drinks and, if he does, tell him then that what you thought you wanted (NSA sex) isn’t actually quite what you’re looking for — at least with him — and would he be interested in more traditional dating. If not, no biggie — you move on. If so, proceed forward how you would with anyone you’re interested in getting to know better.

I have been a widow for three years now, and I am dating a man who has been a widower for the same amount of time. He is really close to his former sister-in-law and her son. They come to his home and stay a night or two and act like they live there, whether he is there or not. They don’t clean up after themselves. This bothers me. Am I being selfish? — The Widow and the Widower

 
I think the more accurate word is “jealous”; you’re being jealous. If you feel threatened by your boyfriend’s sister-in-law, ask yourself why. I highly doubt it’s because she doesn’t clean up after herself. Are you afraid she reminds your boyfriend of his deceased wife? Are you worried he has feelings for her? She and her son are your boyfriend’s family. If you think there’s anything more than family members enjoying each other’s company and finding comfort in the presence of each other after the enormous loss of their wife/sister/aunt, then talk to your boyfriend about your concerns. If he can’t reassure you, move on, because you can’t build a healthy relationship with no trust.

As for the SIL and her son not cleaning up after themselves, if you don’t live with your boyfriend, what business is it of yours? If you want the place cleaned before you come over, that’s your boyfriend’s job and you need to tell him you prefer visiting when the place isn’t a mess.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

7 comments… add one
  • avatar

    gigi August 19, 2016, 8:40 am

    LW1 Wendy is right, that is not NSA. NSA is not worrying about how often you hear from someone, or whether you should text him. I have never once texted many of my NSA hookups about anything much. Maybe a “thanks that was some hot fun!” Or, “want to hook up this weekend for some more hot fun”, possibly ” Are the kids gone so we can have some hot fun on Friday night?” Thats it. Maybe a few drinks in public the first meeting, because its just safer that way, but after that? No, I just head to his house, maybe have a drink or 2 there, get busy, & leave. No second thoughts, wondering about texting or cuddling, or when I will see him again. Because it truly doesn’t matter. It’s all about the sex, not the guy. Decide what it is you want before getting into a NSA relationship – it’s super light on the “relationship” part.

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  • avatar

    Ashley August 19, 2016, 8:52 am

    Definitely revisit your arrangement with the guy. I think he gets the vibe you aren’t the NSA type, otherwise why apologize for not texting you for three days? NSA relationships typically don’t require constant communication. Don’t be surprised though if he was being very honest with you and isn’t interested. And really to answer your question, there are no magic number of days to text someone so it doesn’t look like your interested. It’s the content.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros August 19, 2016, 10:07 am

    I think one of the biggest rules of NSA is that there are no rules. Obviously, yes, you do need to be in agreement with the other person about various things. But I think the rule-making is minimal, which is what makes it NSA and is what makes it appealing. If a person wanted to be expected to be in frequent communication via text or to be expected to see the other person on a set timeline, they’d seek something more structured and more relationship-like. So, yes, name a time you’d like to meet up and see what he says. Maybe he’ll say yes and maybe he’ll decline. But if it’s truly NSA you’re looking for, then it doesn’t matter either way. I will say, though, that since you’re not looking for a relationship, it shouldn’t matter so much how much time passes because you’re not trying to build anything. I also could see how he might be wanting to space things out a bit because seeing someone frequently can sometimes be misinterpreted.

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  • Monkeysmommy

    Monkeysmommy August 19, 2016, 11:08 am

    Arrangements?? What arrangements?? That is what no strings attached means- NO ARRANGEMENTS. He isn’t talking about it because there is nothing to talk about in his eyes. If you want to change the game, that is cool, but don’t pretend you are after NSA when you clearly want strings.

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  • findingtheearth

    findingtheearth August 19, 2016, 11:48 am

    My past with NSA is purely sex, say good bye, and then go about our lives until we want sex again. Then a quick text stating “hey, let’s sex.” Sometimes details are discussed or we would watch a movie or drink some beers together, but always with the intent that sex would be happening and not to date.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark August 19, 2016, 6:52 pm

    LW1) Dear Wendy! HELP! I’ve ensnared my latest NSA fuckbuddy with more sticky strands than a spider’s web! Only now — suddenly! — he is acting like our NSA is somehow not working?! WTF?!! Do I need to go buy even more string? Help. PLEASE! Help!

    LW2) Dear Wendy. Ugh, the man of my dreams may have gotten over the tragically dreary loss of his first wife — but her sister and nephew sure as fuck hasn’t! They actually visit HIS house and — wait for it!! — don’t leave it spotless. For fuck’s sake, enough with the grieving! Why can’t they clean and fucking cry at the same time? PS — Now my BF is acting somehow like I am the bitchy one? Help! Please Help!

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    • avatar

      snoopy128 August 22, 2016, 9:49 am

      Sometimes your snark is so on point BGM.

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