About three months after we started hanging out, we were watching a movie together and we fell asleep. Nothing happened sexually; we just slept. But that is when he started to tell me that he liked me. We continued hanging out, knowing that we both liked each other, but he never wanted to make our relationship official. We were acting as if we were a couple in private but not in public, which hurt me.
Meanwhile, I would do everything for him. If he needed me, I was there for him no matter what time it was or what he needed me to do. The part that hurt the most was when Christmas came. I put a lot of thought into his gift and then he didn’t get me anything, and the same thing happened with my birthday. After awhile I finally started to realize nothing was going to come from our relationship and I began pulling away from him, which is when he finally started to express his feelings. He started to say that he loved me, which he had a really hard time with after his divorce. But I was already so emotionally closed off. I finally told him that I needed my own space, which he gave me.
While I was taking space, I met Guy #2. Guy #2 is so sweet and treats me well. He is honestly like the male version on me. After we went on a few dates, he opened up to me and told me that he was a registered sex offender. I accept him for who he is and everything that has happened to him. He explained what had happened, and I even talked to his whole family about his charge and I trust him. We have gotten very close within the last four months — he has even talked about marriage. I am becoming close to his family, and I really get along with them. My family knows about his charge and are kind of skeptical, but they have all said that, if I’m happy, then that is all that matters.
After I started spending time with Guy #2, Guy #1 asked if we could have a talk about everything. Afterward, I started to realize I have feelings for both of these men. I am now spending a lot of time with each of them, and I’m just getting more and more confused. I’ve been talking to my family about their opinions on these men as well, and it’s kind of a toss-up.
One big issue that I have is that while Guy #1 wants the same things that I do — a spouse and kids — Guy #2 got a vasectomy at the age of 19 and does not want to have kids. He has always said that if he has kids, then it would only be to make his wife happy. Having kids is very important to me. My whole life I have always wanted to be a mother. I want my own little monsters to raise into wonderful adults. So, I am starting to feel that while I am momentarily happy with Guy #2 — he treats me well and we are so similar — in the long run I will be happier with Guy #1.
What should I do? — Trying to Decide Between Two Men
Is Guy #2 — the guy who’s a registered sex offender and has had a vasectomy (thank God!) — really a viable candidate for your future husband and father to your kids? Seriously? Because if we were consulting a Magic Eight Ball here, all signs would point to “NO!” What part of “registered sex offender” sounds like good husband or father material? What part of: “I had a vasectomy when I was 19 and do not want kids” sounds like someone who will make a great dad? ALL SIGNS POINT TO NO!
But that doesn’t mean that the answer is clear-cut here. Obviously, Guy #1 must not be such a prize if Guy #2, the registered sex offender who doesn’t want kids (thank God), is actually posing some competition in the race for your heart. In the six paragraphs you wrote about feeling conflicted between the two men, you say absolutely nothing about what you like about Guy #1 other than being automatically attracted to him and wanting similar things (a family — which isn’t such a unique thing to want). You do mention that he led you on for months, refused to make your relationship “official,” neglected to buy you gifts for special occasions, and only made attempts to express his feelings for you when he realized you were moving on with someone else. Yeah, sorry, but this doesn’t sound like a romance worth exploring either.
You don’t say how old you are, but I’m wondering if you’re old enough that the idea of missing out on your chance to have that family you desperately want — to “raise your own little monsters into wonderful adults” — is the main driving force in your need to choose between two less-than-ideal mates. Of course, loneliness is also a powerful motivator and it could be that you’re still young enough that fertility isn’t such a concern, but spending another month or week or day without a solid partner in your life is crushing. And I get that.
But as hard as it is to face the loneliness of being single, I promise you it’s nothing compared to the loneliness one feels in a relationship that isn’t right. At least as a single person, there’s still the hope that Mr. or Ms. Right is just around the corner — a fateful meeting away. But stuck in a relationship with someone who is wrong for you is the opposite feeling — it’s hopeless and bleak. Because getting out of a soul-sucking relationship — especially one where there are kids involved — is much more difficult than getting into a relationship. Remember that: as hard as it may feel sometimes to find a good relationship — or to choose between two potential relationships — it is so much harder to find a way out of a bad one.
So choose wisely. Don’t let loneliness or fear guide you into a wrong decision. Let your heart and gut guide you. Step away from any decision that doesn’t feel right, and give yourself space to find a man who meets more of your needs. This isn’t your last chance at happiness. These two men don’t represent your only options. Aim higher.
You can follow me on Facebook here an Twitter here.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.