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“I Caught Him In Bed with Another Woman!”

I have been with my boyfriend for three years, and honestly can’t picture my life without him. Last week, though, I came home and found him in our bed, passed out with a naked woman. I had been staying at my place while my mother was in town. He knew I was coming home early that morning. That was the day we were planning on leaving to go on a 7-day cruise together.

Let me start by saying he’s not an idiot, because only an idiot or an uncaring dolt would have a girl spend the night when he knows his live-in girlfriend is coming home. He got intoxicated the night before, and I believe he is truly remorseful. But, I can’t help but wonder….why? Drunkeness is no excuse. He can’t remember the evening, so I made him call the woman to find out what happened. (Some back story: he met her at the gym and says she told him she was interested in him and he told her about me. He says they talked briefly every few nights over the phone.) He refused to call her in front of me, and called her when I wasn’t around to find out what happened. He told me they had sex on the sofa and in our bed without a condom, but also said he couldn’t finish, and passed out because he was so drunk. He has a drinking problem. Now, he swears he won’t touch alcohol unless I’m around, he’s moving to my house because I can’t stand to be in his, and he’s re-decorating his home.

I want to contact the woman, but I don’t want to betray his trust, because I know he wouldn’t want me to. I also know she likes him, and I probably can’t trust what she says either. I know there are three versions to every story: his version, her version, and then the truth. But, in my case….I don’t know that I’ll ever get the truth, and I want it to move on. He swears he feels nothing for her and that he’s the biggest idiot in the world. (I’m not arguing with that fact).

Where do I go from here? I want a life with him, but I don’t want to hurt myself. I love him, I want to believe him, but I’m scared. — Cheated


Um. Okay. So … wow, where to start? First of all, your boyfriend’s an idiot. I feel the need to point that out because you seem confused about whether he is or isn’t (in the second paragraph you say he isn’t, but in the next paragraph you admit that he is). You also seem confused about whether you live with the guy or not. You call yourself his live-in girlfriend but then you also mention that your boyfriend is moving to “your place” and that he’s redecorating “his” home. But, really, none of this matters. What matters is that your boyfriend cheated on you (without a condom!), made up some cockamamie story about “not remembering” the details, blamed it on being drunk, promised never to touch alcohol unless “you’re around,” and you’re actually going to let him move in with you after all that?! Darlin’, if that’s really the case, your boyfriend may not be the only idiot we’re dealing with her.

Furthermore, what good would contacting the other woman do? Your boyfriend already told you that after talking with her on the phone for several days, he had sex with her (again, without a condom!) on his sofa and his bed, so what version of the truth could she share that would enlighten you further? What, exactly, do you suppose she could say that would make you any more or less willing to forgive your boyfriend and move on? I mean, if the version of the truth he shared isn’t enough to make you dump his ass, what version of the truth would be? Would she have to tell you that he threw himself at her? Would she have to tell you this wasn’t the first time they hooked up? Would you even believe her if she did?

Look, you caught them red-handed. You saw her in his bed naked. And you’re still willing to let him move in with you?! You’re willing to excuse his behavior because he said he was drunk (was he drunk when he exchanged numbers with her at the gym?)? You say you want to “believe him.” But, believe what? That he doesn’t remember what happened? That he doesn’t have feelings for this woman? Is that seriously going to make it OK that he cheated on you with some gymbo all over his apartment? Come on! Have more self-respect than that. Give this guy the boot. Kick him to the curb. Tell him adios. If you don’t want to get hurt further, it’s really your only choice.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

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avatar sweetleaf June 2, 2011, 7:39 am

MOAMOAMOAMOAMOA!!!!

Skyblossom Skyblossom June 2, 2011, 7:46 am

I know it hurts. What he’s done to you consumes your day now, your gut is clenched in a knot, your blood pressure is boiling. You can compulsively check and watch everything he does from now on and it still won’t stop the pain. You can watch him night and day and still never trust him. You can run every word he says through your mind searching for inconsistencies and still be in pain.

When he exchanged numbers with this woman he was setting this up to happen. He didn’t have to decide at the moment he got her number whether it would happen but he was giving himself the opportunity. When he was with her, in the heat of the moment, he didn’t care whether you would be coming over early in the morning. He wasn’t thinking about the morning, he was living in the moment. He wasn’t thinking of you when he exchanged numbers, he wasn’t thinking of you when he kept talking to her, he wasn’t thinking of you when he had her over and he wasn’t thinking of you while he was having sex on the sofa and in the bed. That’s all you really need to know to make a decision.

You could talk to her and she’d probably be glad to tell you everything because she wants him and the best way to get him is to let you know exactly, in detail, what he did with her. When a woman is the affair and wants the man she will often do something so that the partner finds out. She may have made sure he got drunk enough to be passed out and that she was naked in bed with him when you found them. Even if she set the scene he still was a willing participant.

I know it’s hard because you love him and that doesn’t stop just because you’re drowning in pain. He may be the person you’ve been turning to for comfort and now you’re turning to him again but he’s the one causing the pain. I think you can MOA or you can stick it out for a while and move on later. For what it’s worth, the first option will hurt less in the long run but many of us try to fix the relationship and end up doing the second option. I think your relationship is broken beyond repair but knowing that doesn’t make it any less painful.

avatar Britannia June 3, 2011, 12:01 am

LW should definitely think long and hard about your 3rd paragraph, regarding talking to the woman (who I will refer to as OW [Other Woman], from here on, so that too many pronouns won’t make what I’m saying confusing). I agree with you that OW doesn’t have pure intentions at all – not only did LW’s boyfriend OW about LW before they had sex and OW still went through with it, but OW’s still talking to him after she was caught by the LW in bed with him!

It’s highly plausible that OW is trying to get the boyfriend all for herself, and thus I don’t see how it could possibly be productive or positive for the LW to contact her. OW obviously has no respect for LW, as a woman or a human being, and I highly doubt that OW would be kind to LW if LW were to call her. In fact, OW would probably try to hurt LW worse, to drive LW away from the boyfriend so that OW can have him all to herself.

LW, you don’t deserve any of this pain, disrespect, or drama! Drop this boyfriend like a hot potato — you deserve, and will find, a much better man!

avatar milli June 2, 2011, 7:57 am

Oh dear…LW, you are just pathetic. How could you not just dump his sorry ass? How could you accept to be disrespected like that? I am sorry but I cannot feel any compassion for you :( I would like to tell you to MOA, but it’s pretty clear that is not what you are going to do. Have fun the next time this happens (and believe me, it will)

avatar sweetleaf June 2, 2011, 9:09 am

I know millie seems a little harsh to y’all, but I agree. when I was reading this letter, I got the feeling that she will NOT leave this guy and it probably WILL happen again. I personally believe that douche “may not be the only idiot we’re dealing with here”. I think she wants Wendy to reassure her that it’s not THAT bad and it’s ok to stay. Purple thumb away!

avatar LTC039 June 2, 2011, 9:14 am

Ehh. I think in this case, harsh is needed &I agree with milli. I’ve seen way worse here on DW than this comment.

avatar Bethany June 2, 2011, 9:25 am

I totally agree with you- I have a “friend” whose boyfriend does this kind of shit to her ALL THE TIME and time after time, she keeps going back to him because she “loves” him. After something bad happens she comes to us saying how it’s really over this time and she can’t believe how stupid she was, but then she keeps going back. I get the feeling that LW is the same way. He’s probably pulled crap like this before, and he’ll probably do it again and she’ll go back to him time and time again.

avatar Yammy June 2, 2011, 2:09 pm

I agree! What a freaking idiot. Her, being the idiot, not him. This guy’s dumb like a fox. He gets his “gymbo” (great term, btw) and he gets to move in with his girlfriend but still keep his newly decorated love nest, I mean, home.

Seriously, LW, get some counselling, because you clearly have no self worth. Even if you are kinda dumb, you still deserve someone who will not cheat on you.

avatar MissD June 2, 2011, 10:28 pm

It’s not easy to just turn off the feelings you have for someone, despite what happened and despite knowing (in your head) what you SHOULD do. It is super-seriously painful, and it’s hard to move on. She’s in denial, but the truth is standing in front of her demanding attention, and she needs help to move forward. That’s why she’s writing-for support to do what she needs to do. It is gut-wrenchingly painful to accept that the person you loved and trusted with everything would so callously betray you. It’s disorienting and leaves you feeling shell-shocked and unsure of a lot. Have a little heart.

avatar MissD June 2, 2011, 10:38 pm

It would be different if she had a history of going back to him after he kept cheating (which I agree is something he will likely do). But right now, she’s just trying to make sense of everything, keep her head on straight, and come to terms with what to do now. I am currently getting divorced after my husband had an affair…and I wanted to take him back and believe he would change and that he still loved me. I didn’t do it, though, despite how much I wanted to. I am moving on and doing what’s best for me, and I am finding it as hard as the LW seems to be. Bolster her up, don’t tear her down. And don’t assume you know what you’d do in her situation or how you’d feel or what you’d say. You don’t know what you’d really do until you’re there.

avatar Callifax June 2, 2011, 7:58 am

Please MOA. He wouldn’t even call the girl in front of you (how can you be sure he called at all?) – so how is he doing everything in his power to win back your trust? And while mistakes happen and people cheat, having you find out by finding a girl naked IN HIS BED is just thoughtful and cruel.

Ugh. The idea of finding my boyfriend like that is making my skin crawl, and that’s just my imagination.

You deserve better. No one is worth putting up with that kind of hurt. MOA and find someone who will not only be faithful, but respectful. And be happy you ditched this loser while you had the chance.

avatar Callifax June 2, 2011, 7:59 am

By thoughtful of course I mean thoughtless. It’s hard to type in comments on the phone. :)

avatar PFG-SCR June 2, 2011, 9:00 am

“And while mistakes happen and people cheat having you find out by finding a girl naked IN HIS BED is just thoughtful [thoughtless] and cruel.”

While it’s undoubtedly very painful to see your significant other in bed with another person, should that aspect alone change our advice to her? I could understand if he intended on her finding them in bed together, but I’m not sure that we can say that he did.

avatar shelllo June 2, 2011, 10:17 am

That image would be pretty hard to forget. I know that could change my opinion. Not only do you have to deal with the memory of his betrayal, the hurt feelings, and the lack of trust between you, but every time you look at him the image of him naked and this women naked could be haunting.

fast eddie fast eddie June 2, 2011, 8:00 am

Every body does things when drunk that we wouldn’t do sober but he did the deed twice with malice of forethought. Obviously he’s going to do it again and again. Letting him live at your place is sanctioning his selfishness. There are better men in the world. Go find one that values an exclusive relationship with you.

avatar argo June 3, 2011, 9:10 am

I suspect you meant “malice aforethought.”

avatar plasticepoxy June 3, 2011, 10:42 am

I agree fast eddie. History of behavior has to start somewhere. If I’d left my jerk of an ex the very first time he got drunk and called me names, instead of saying, “This hasn’t happened before, I’ll just make sure it doesn’t happen again”, there wouldn’t have been a precedent. I couldn’t have said to myself (or have him say to me), “I put up with such-and-such, how is this worse than that?” the next time it happened, or when he hooked up with other girls over the internet, didn’t come home at night, etc. Her BF is manipulative. I could write a novel hear outlining all the red flags her letter had from my point of view.

I strongly encourage the LW to cut off contact from her BF. What worked for me was to tell myself that it was a “temporary” separation in order to get myself to do it, but once I broke off all contact, oh my goodness, it was as if the sun had come out from behind the clouds. This man only loves himself; LW you can find someone who cares about you as much as they care about themselves.

avatar plasticepoxy June 3, 2011, 10:42 am

Here, not hear, geez

avatar Desiree June 2, 2011, 8:01 am

MOA! Here’s the deal: you want to forgive your boyfriend for a drunken one-night-stand. I get that. BUT, this doesn’t have the set-up of a forgivable one-night-stand. He exchanged numbers with the woman AND COMMUNICATED WITH HER ON A REGULAR BASIS while sober. I personally would consider the conversations he had with her prior to that night as infidelity, when all the facts are considered. So, no, your boyfriend didn’t make a drunken mistake; one way or another, he planned for this. Read: HE WANTED TO CHEAT ON YOU. Just be glad you still have a place of your own, and send that loser back to his own pad.

avatar SalMarie June 2, 2011, 9:34 am

YES, exactly! This isn’t a case of whether or not you should forgive your boyfriend for a one time, drunken hookup, which depending on the circumstances maybe, possibly, MIGHT be forgivable. This wasn’t some random woman he met while wasted at a bar and things went too far (not that THAT would be okay, either), but rather a woman he met at the gym, decided to exchange numbers with, and communicated with on a repeated basis! He made a series of deceitful choices by being in contact with a woman he KNEW was interested in him, and all of that led up to one HUGE mistake when you found them in your bed!! At least, one huge mistake that you know of…

LW, you seem obsessed with the idea of finding out the “truth”, as if that will somehow improve your situation or make you feel better. Maybe this is because it is easier to focus on the details of how it happened rather than the consequences of what happened. This must be an incredibly hard situation for you, but you need to realize that, as Wendy said, nothing else you could find out should change things. I mean, there is no way he lied and told you a WORSE version of what happened, so really what you already know is the “best” case scenario – which is already unforgivable. Unless you are okay with looking the other way while he continues to cheat on you in the future, you need to MOA.

avatar SpyGlassez June 2, 2011, 6:40 pm

Plus the LW should probably go get checked for STDs, because if he shagged the gymbo without a condom, it’s possible this was NOT the first time.

fast eddie fast eddie June 3, 2011, 8:26 am

From the sound of it he even wanted to get caught. That’s selfishness personified.

avatar Annie1 September 28, 2011, 1:55 pm

That’s what I thought! He was going on a week-long cruise the very next day and had to get an early start? Sounds to me like the guy was trying to find a sure-fire way to get himself dumped, and the poor LW won’t even give him that pathetic satisfaction.
I absolutely loved Wendy’s “gymbo.” Did she coin that word? Should be in the dictionary!

Public Pearl Public Pearl June 2, 2011, 8:08 am

“I want to contact the woman, but I don’t want to betray his trust”

But it’s okay for him to betray yours?

What’s with all these “My boyfriend got so fucking drunk he did XYZ” letters? Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never seen the appeal of getting drunk, much less so drunk that you lose all sense of appropriate responsible adult behavior.

Find yourself a grown-up.

avatar CG June 2, 2011, 9:15 am

YES YES YES! I about choked on my breakfast when I read the “I don’t want to betray his trust” line.

avatar plasticepoxy June 3, 2011, 10:45 am

I KNOW! Someone has convinced her that she doesn’t deserve to be treated with respect. I’m biased, but I wonder how much influence her BF has had on her self-esteem? I think it’s pretty rare for someone to suddenly become as selfish as this LW’s BF.

avatar Anne (I Go To 11) June 2, 2011, 10:08 am

I actually yelled at my screen when I saw that line. Don’t want to betray HIS trust? He’s already betrayed YOURS, multiple times, LW! WTF?!

landygirl Landy June 2, 2011, 11:31 am

She should do some growing up first before she searches for a grown up.

avatar SpyGlassez June 2, 2011, 6:43 pm

Here’s the thing – he betrayed your trust, LW. If he wants to be with you after not just boinking a stranger in his (your shared?) bed but giving her his number and being in touch with her before said boinking, then he needs to be TRANSPARENT. He needs to be open about calling her in front of you, about what happened, about never seeing her again – whatever it takes to win back your trust. If he won’t do that, then there IS no relationship worth saving….. and personally for me, even if he WAS willing to be that transparent, I’d still DTMFA.

avatar LTC039 June 2, 2011, 8:23 am

Ahhhh omg I couldn’t even finish reading this. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!
You found your boyfriend, NAKED, IN BED, WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, but he’s such a great guy & he was oh so drunk & wasn’t aware he was having sex with another woman until he calls her, NOT IN FRONT OF YOU because he refuses…OH! & he had already previously met her at the gym!?!?!
Seriously LW, please tell me you have more sense than this!? Get ahold of your dignity!!!!!

P.S. had I walked in to the same scenario you did, I would’ve started flippin’ some tables…

avatar LTC039 June 2, 2011, 8:54 am

Oh my…I just read the condom part…Dear Lord!

avatar Desiree June 2, 2011, 9:00 am

I know…I desperately hope she hasn’t slept with him since the incident, or is at least practicing safe sex. That honestly would be enough for me to end it. Sheesh.

avatar LTC039 June 2, 2011, 9:12 am

I just can’t believe that after her whole letter she “doesn’t want to betray his trust” & wants to “move past this.”
I too, hope she has not slept with him since then!
& oh yeah! It would be quite the shit show after the table flippin’ !!

parton_doll parton_doll June 2, 2011, 9:02 am

I love the flippin tables part of this comment! I agree, had I walked in on this scenario, ass kicking would only be the beginning of my angry black woman moment.

avatar Desiree June 2, 2011, 9:13 am

I know what you mean. Had it been my boyfriend, I probably would have gone all KillBill on them.

avatar Ladybug June 2, 2011, 2:17 pm

Agreed! If I walked in on my boyfriend like that, I definitely would have MOA’d very quickly. He would have moved on as well–and exactly where he moved on to would depend on how he’d been keeping up with his religious obligations.

caitie_didnt caitie_didn't June 2, 2011, 11:06 am

Seriously! Girlfriend best be burning his shit on his front lawn. That’s really the only proportionate response in this situation.

avatar MissChievous June 2, 2011, 1:32 pm

I think I would’ve calmly gone to the kitchen, got a bucket full of ice water and doused the loser.

avatar LyndsayLoo82 June 2, 2011, 1:02 pm

If this had happened to me, all hell would’ve broken loose. First of all, buckets of cold water to awaken the bastards, then it would be ON. And I don’t just blame the man here. The other woman knew exactly what she was doing, and I doubt she was in the dark about him having a girlfriend.

I’d never be able to trust my boyfriend again after something like that. It would be over. It would hurt, but it would be over.

avatar The_Yellow_Dart June 2, 2011, 8:27 am

MOA! The previous communication makes it more than a one-night stand, and the fact that it happened when your boyfriend knew that you were going to be out of town shows that it was premeditated. On top of that, your boyfriend does not even have enough respect for you to tell you what really happened…

I know it really hurts to imagine a life without him (I was in a three-year relationship with someone who cheated on me, and I faced a similar dilemma) and, no lie, things are going to be really difficult in the short run. But if you can stick it out, you’ll be a stronger person and will eventually be open to a more mature and honest relationship…

avatar SpaceySteph June 2, 2011, 9:41 am

Yeah I agree alot with your second paragraph. Every single one of us (ok most of us) have gone through some kind of break-up with a person who, prior to the breakup, we couldn’t imagine life without.
It sucks to have your heart broken and you will be miserable for a couple months but I promise you will end up happier in the long run. Your next relationship will be better than this one, because of what you’ll learn from this experience. I know it seems like the end of the world now, but one day you’ll look back and wonder how you could ever have been willing to stay with him after he did such terrible things to you. Sometimes you just have to take that leap.

avatar jottino June 2, 2011, 8:29 am

Why didn’t he keep his distance after he found out that she was interested in him (after he told her about you, and she still pursued)?! Because that’s what any normal, respectful man would do.

If he did this on the morning that you were coming home, what did he do for the rest of the time you were with your mother? How long were you gone? How many times did he see her?

What did you do when you saw her in bed? Why did he have to call her? I feel like that situation should have been rectified right then & there, before stories could be made. And then, why wouldn’t he call her in front of you?

“He couldn’t finish” … is that supposed to make you feel better? “Well, at least she’s not pregnant…” ?!

Who cares if he’s redecorating? So he can wash all the stank off the house from when you were gone? So he has another excuse for you not to go to the house? Renovating is one thing, but changing the wall color or buying new slip covers isn’t an uninhabitable situation.

No, no, no. This is ridiculous. I’m sorry that you’re going to be hurt if you break up with him, but you’re already hurt. He’s definitely an idiot. Three years together and that’s what he does when you’re out of town? And you can’t even stand to be in that house – which leaves him alone time in the house for … hmmm.

No. Please kick him to the curb. He’s worthless, and you deserve so much better than that.

PS: Did you go on the cruise with him? I hope you took a friend instead.

avatar va-in-ny June 2, 2011, 10:35 am

I think the “He couldn’t finish” could partially be her way of letting Wendy know that “he doesn’t love her like he loves me.. he felt bad, and he ultimately couldn’t finish.”

In fact, given the scenario here, it wouldn’t be a far-fetched idea to assume the boyfriend gave that to her as an excuse.

“No, no! I love YOU, not her.. I couldn’t even finish!”

avatar TheGirl June 2, 2011, 11:10 am

Agreed that he’s trying to tell her he couldn’t quite ‘go through with it’ if you will. Which is total bull. The dude clearly just had a case of beer dick.

avatar Brooklyn June 2, 2011, 9:51 pm

Or he just lied.

bagge72 bagge72 June 2, 2011, 11:13 am

Actually I think it’s worse, because she wasn’t even out of town. She was just staying at her own place while her mother was visiting. I wish her mother would have walked in on them with her, and may she could have talked some sense in to her!

avatar Addie Pray June 2, 2011, 8:29 am

Hahahah – “gymbo” – Nice touch, Wendy!

avatar PFG-SCR June 2, 2011, 8:41 am

Your opportunity to get “the truth” was when you had them both suprised and naked in his bed. Now they’ve talked (and likely more than once), and anything either of them says about it is suspect. The fact that he wouldn’t let you be there when he called her seems to indicate that he’s either hiding something or more concerned about her feelings than yours.

I’m sure you want him to do/say something that is going to make you stop hurting and forget what he did and what you saw, but there’s nothing that is going to “magically” do that. I’m not sure why he’s moving in with you now, other than the fact that you might think you can keep an eye on him better this way. But, you know that it won’t keep him from cheating if he wants to do that. I think it’s better that you stay in your own places and figure out if you can trust and forgive him, because unless you can, this relationship is not salvageable. Maybe it’s not worth it, but only you can determine that; however, in your current state of mind, you’re likely too devastated to be able to think clearly. That’s why I think you need some time apart so you can process how you truly feel about him.

avatar Fancy Pants Amy June 2, 2011, 3:13 pm

You really nailed it. Regarding your first paragraph, I’m not normally a gambling woman, but I’d put $50 down that if the LW called the Gymbo, she’d hear one of two things about the “backstory” where she met him and he told her about the LW:

1. She never heard anything about the LW. Didn’t even know the LW existed until her rude awakening.

2. She heard that the LW was a big bitch and they were breaking up. Sob story, poor me, wanna get drunk and come over?

avatar MissD June 2, 2011, 10:44 pm

OMG, yes! My ex told his girlfriend we hadn’t slept together in a year. We hadn’t even been married for a year at that point.

Budj Budjer June 2, 2011, 8:47 am

Not calling her in front of you is highly indicative that he is hiding something. Phone conversations leading up to the night means he pre-meditated it. You deserve and should command more respect than this. Find a guy more worth your time….he is not a unique and special snow flake.

bagge72 bagge72 June 2, 2011, 11:19 am

Yeah my guess is that he really did remember what happend that night, and is just using that as an excuse. That way if he did call her in front of the LW he would have been caught red handed with that lie aswell.

Budj Budjer June 2, 2011, 11:48 am

My guess is he is dating the other woman too. Conveniently his place is getting “redecorated” – I’m suspicious that the gym chick happens to be a home decorator…

avatar _jsw_ June 2, 2011, 11:54 am

I got the impression he was redecorating to make the place seem as different as possible from the one she walked into that day.

Budj Budjer June 2, 2011, 12:07 pm

Yep…that was the impression he gave her….but I don’t think anything should be taken at face value here. I’ll admit I MAY be reading too much into that, however, the home decorator comment was a joke alluding to the fact it is a perfect alibi to continue seeing this chick. It’s hilarious to me that he needs to move in with the lw to “redecorate”..unless she meant renovate.

avatar SpaceySteph June 2, 2011, 9:03 am

Sorry haven’t read the rest yet but Wendy, THIS was perfect:
“Um. Okay. So … wow, where to start?”
Exactly my thoughts as I clicked to read your response.

avatar Flake June 2, 2011, 9:19 am

Holly cr*p…. I can’t believe you were still writing after ‘I came home and found him in our bed, passed out with a naked woman’. I would think that once you put that on paper and saw how ridiculous and crazy and wrong that is, you would have your answer.

I will try to not be too mean. Basically, your choice is between hurting now and moving on, or pretending to be fine (while fuming like hell inside) and getting a lot more hurt later, when you find them in your bed (and it WILL happen).

Your BF didn’t just cheat on you. He IS HAVING AN AFFAIR. And I am sure that it is still going on. He didn’t call her in front of you because then he would have to lie to her and pretend that he doesn’t remember what happened that night. He is more concerned about not hurting her feelings then he is about you. The only thing being drunk did for him, was to either forget that you were coming that morning, or passing out and falling asleep before he could get her to leave.

I say call her. At this point the last thing you should worry about is betraying his trust. She will either lie and back him up, and that will make you feel a bit better until the next time he f**ks (I use this word on purpose to make a point here) her, or she will tell you the typical story of how he said that your relationship was in trouble, and how he was staying with you to avoid hurting your feelings.

But, seriously, read your letter again and pretend that this is your best friend writing. Consider these three years a learning experience. Please, please, please do not let him move in with you and do not give him a reason to think that he can get away with that kind of behavior. Stop wasting another second of your life on this alcoholic cheater.

avatar BoomChakaLaka June 2, 2011, 9:22 am

This is probably going to be one of the toughest things you are going to have to do, but LW, you need to MOA. You HAVE to. This is vital, not only for your mental and emotional health, but also for the future you DESERVE to have.

I’ve mentioned this before when commenting on another letter. My last ex was invovled in an “emotional affair.” Up until the end, he continued to claim that he never did anything with her, but I couldn’t believe him. The trust was completely gone and what followed was psycho-stalker behavior. I tried monitoring his every move, controlling who he saw and just hovering over him more than I should have. That won’t bring the trust back into the relationship. My trust was broken, not his, so why should I have done all the work?

If you are truly interested in working on this relationship, you STILL will need to leave him, but you need to see where his head is at. See how he tries to gain your trust (having secret phone conversations isn’t a good first step…). He has a lot of work to do! You also may have to look into couple’s therapy to see if there is a better way for the trust to be repaired in the relationship.

What I want to stress here is that you will need to take some time away from him, assess your feelings about this guy and this relationship, and communicate to him what the next few months are going to look like. Irrespective of whether you decide to stay or go, you definitely need to start by taking some time to focus on you.

avatar SpaceySteph June 2, 2011, 9:23 am

I’m curious what the LW expected to hear. What part of that story should make us think anything other than MOA?
He slept with another woman. In the place you supposedly share with him. In your shared bed, even. Without a condom. This shows no respect for your relationship, your feelings, or your health. Had you not caught him, its likely he wouldn’t have told you and then you would have been vulnerable to catching all kinds of STDs.

Aside from these huge HUGE issues are the less massive ones:
You appear to be lying to your mother about the living situation.
“He has a drinking problem,” but was still out there getting drunk and doing things he shouldn’t be doing.
His solution is not to never drink again but to only drink when you’re around. Are you his babysitter?
He’s moving into your place because he’s remodeling his own? I will bet that he would dump you anyways, when the remodel is over and he doesn’t need you anymore.

You want to believe he’s remorseful, and maybe he is (remorseful that he got caught), but I would argue that it doesn’t matter. His complete disregard for you, especially your physical health, is inexcusable.

You are lucky that despite being his “live-in girlfriend” you have a home to go to. Its time to dump the jerk and head back home. Do whats right and safe for you.

avatar WatersEdge June 2, 2011, 10:41 am

Thank you for writing what I was going to write! Because ugh… I barely have the energy to do it. This letter writer….

She’s not going to listen. There’s not one redeeming quality for her boyfriend in that letter. This situation isn’t ambiguous at all. He cheated on her in one of the worst ways. Premeditated, with no real remorse, right under your nose. Blatantly disrespectful.

LW, your boyfriend is disgusting. Drop him. If you don’t drop him this time, do it next time you catch him with another woman.

avatar BoomChakaLaka June 2, 2011, 12:43 pm

I didn’t even catch that part of the letter, that she was staying at her place while her mother was in town!

And they’ve been together for three years and the boyfriend didn’t meet up with the mom once?

Oooh, I retract my advice above.

avatar SGMcG June 2, 2011, 9:26 am

How could you even consider staying with him after seeing for yourself his betrayal? Where do you go from here? How about to the clinic to get tested for every STD possible? There’s something not adding up with his story, and how could you trust him to tell you that what happened was a one-time thing. PLEASE get yourself tested as a precaution. Once you get those results, PLEASE MOA!

avatar Steelbird June 2, 2011, 9:31 am

This was not some drunken night screw up where he met some random chick at a bar and brought her home (which would be bad enough on it’s own). The fact is he knew this girl was interested, they talked regularly on the phone while he was perfectly sober, and then after all that they hooked up, without a condom, when your back was turned. I really really hope you have not slept with him after this. Please remember that condoms don’t just prevent pregnancy, they protect against STDs and you have no idea what kind of STDs this woman could have passed to your boyfriend. Please MOA LW. No guy is worth what he did to you. It doesn’t matter that he says he sorry, he set this up to happen by giving this girl his number and talking to her on a regular basis. It doesn’t matter that he’s moved in to your place, he can still just as easily hook up some place else. This guy does not deserve your trust, if you still trust him after this happened you need to take a really good look at yourself and find some self-respect. You deserve so much better than this.

avatar SpyGlassez June 2, 2011, 6:48 pm

I’m not worried about as much about STDs this woman gave the BF; I’m worried about what STDs the OTHER WOMEN may have given him – you know, the ones he boinked BEFORE he got caught with this one.

avatar Lexington June 2, 2011, 9:33 am

I’m going to get metaphorical here: normally I don’t believe in taking the pots. But if there was ever a situation to do it, this would be it! TAKE THE FUCKING POTS.

avatar baby.blanka June 2, 2011, 9:47 am

That made me lol

avatar Anne (I Go To 11) June 2, 2011, 10:10 am

Ditto!

avatar bluesunday June 2, 2011, 10:36 am

And the Louboutins and the Ipad?

avatar BoomChakaLaka June 2, 2011, 12:44 pm

The iPad was clutch. That would be the first thing I took. But I’m not a shoe girl anyway.

avatar Lexington June 2, 2011, 1:15 pm

Taking those just goes without saying.

avatar Vivster June 2, 2011, 4:52 pm

Don’t forget the gift card. :)

avatar justpeachy June 2, 2011, 3:54 pm

Took me a minute to get it (man, I’m slow today), but very nice

avatar Rachelgrace53 June 2, 2011, 9:55 pm

YES.