Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I Caught My Boyfriend in Bed With Another Woman”

Cheater

My boyfriend and I had just made up after a fight, and, on top of telling me how much he physically wanted me, he said he wasn’t ready to give up on us. I was happy because I felt the same. Well, over the next couple of days, he didn’t text me and only gave short responses when I texted him. I was still insecure due to our fight, but I also had such a strong gut feeling something was wrong. Then I saw a girl’s car in his driveway when, since he wasn’t answering my texts, I went over to see if he was home, and that made me feel even worse. He is a recluse and doesn’t let anyone in except me and his mom and kids.

The rest of the night, I kept myself busy, trying to ignore my feelings. Finally, I had to go over there, but this was 2 am. I thought that, if that car was in his driveway at that time of morning, I would know that something wasn’t right. Well, it was there. I have a key he gave me, and at this point I was hoping to find someone passed out on his couch or some other scenario that wasn’t so bad, but instead I found a woman in bed with him. I’m not sure if she was naked, but he didn’t have a shirt on. They were asleep. I stood there dumbfounded, and she woke up and jumped, and then he woke up. I just said: “Cheater,” and then ran out. I know I could have handled it so much better…

I went back there in the morning because I wanted to talk, but he wasn’t home. I texted him and his only response was telling me to leave his house and leave his key. It’s three days later, I’ve heard nothing from him, and I’m still so upset. I asked him if he is sorry at all, and his response is that I’m over-reacting. I asked him how it’s over-reacting when you find a woman in bed with your boyfriend who is naked? And he said this is the last time he will reply to me, and to not ever contact him, and to have a good life!

I know he’s pissed I came in without telling him, even though he gave me a key a couple months ago. I know it was disrespectful, but I had a bad feeling and needed to see for myself what was going on. No matter if he was cheating or not, his response tells me I mean nothing to him. He’s cared about me, and even loved me, since high school, and we got re-connected just a few months ago, 27 years later — it felt like fate. I can’t believe how cold-hearted he is when he is the one who screwed up! I keep feeling that, if we could have talked about it the next day, he would have explained, and it wouldn’t be like this.

He is an INTJ personality which is 1% of the population, and now I’m beginning to think he is also a narcissistic sociopath. What are your thoughts? — The Other 99%

I hardly know where to begin with my thoughts! Maybe I’ll start here: When you say you could have handled better finding your boyfriend in bed naked with another woman in the middle of the night, what does that even mean? Anything that doesn’t result in shaved heads, busted headlights, or broken windshields IS handling it pretty well, in my book. And when you say you wish your boyfriend would have had a chance to explain what was going on: Um, he DID have a chance to explain, and the reason he didn’t is because WHAT WAS THERE TO EXPLAIN? You caught him in bed naked with another woman. What explanation for that could possibly make that scenario ok? Really? What could he have said that would make you think, “Oh, ok, that makes sense, and now I totally believe that you absolutely weren’t cheating”? NOTHING. Because, of course he was cheating. And the fact that you might even entertain the idea that he wasn’t cheating — that there could be some other plausible explanation for a random naked woman in his bed with him in the middle of the night while he ignored your texts — means you live so far in the land of denial that your passport back to reality may have expired. But I hope it hasn’t. And I hope seeing your words here in print, as well as the comments they’re sure to garner, will be enough of a reality check for you to MOA.

As for your ex-boyfriend being a narcissistic sociopath, I hardly think cheating on a girlfriend and then acting like an asshole about it makes someone a sociopath. But if you’re asking me to do amateur armchair psychoanalysis, I think the more interesting question is why you seem to believe this relationship isn’t 100%, completely finished. And I can only surmise that you don’t believe you deserve better than this. But, you do. You do.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

69 comments… add one
  • mrmidtwenties

    mrmidtwenties October 8, 2015, 8:19 am

    I have a sinking feeling that the LW will end up back in the now ex’s house using her key.

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  • gigi

    gigi October 8, 2015, 8:23 am

    Face meets desk. MOA LW, MOA. What Wendy said exactly, & BTW, start referring to him as your EX-boyfriend because at least he knows that your relationship is over.

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  • avatar

    Loo October 8, 2015, 8:28 am

    Aim higher, LW! This guy is not worth your time.

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh October 8, 2015, 8:31 am

    I missed the part where you were around mid-40s until the second time I read this. I too don’t really know what the explanation would have been. She was driving by and needed a place to sleep? It does sound like you’re in denial. It’s time to get over him and treat yourself with more respect.

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  • avatar

    ktfran October 8, 2015, 8:32 am

    LW, all I’ll say is MOA. Like. Yesterday. Please. That’s all.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom October 8, 2015, 8:37 am

    He cheated. You caught him. He broke up with you. Obviously he doesn’t want a relationship with you that doesn’t include him cheating. I assume the two of you agree on that, you don’t want a relationship with him that includes him cheating. Send his key back to him in the mail and thank you lucky stars you found out about what he is really like before investing a year or two or five or ten years of your life in a relationship with him. Put distance between yourself and him and never look back.
    .
    I’d guess that he is more narcissistic than empathetic. A person with more empathy would think about the pain that cheating would cause you and they wouldn’t cheat. The person who is more narcissistic or self-absorbed thinks about them self more and how much they will enjoy/excitement of the sex with the other person. That doesn’t mean he is a sociopath. It does mean he isn’t worth your time.

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  • Miss MJ

    Miss MJ October 8, 2015, 8:45 am

    You caught your BF in bed with another woman. He demanded that you leave his house and return his key. He also asked you not to contact him again. I’m honestly not sure what the question is here. You’ve been cheated on and broken up with. The end. I’m sorry. I know it hurts. But let this one go. Not only has this guy shown a complete lack of respect for you and your relationship, but he’s also expressly broken up with you. He doesn’t want a relationship with you anymore. MOA and thank your lucky stars! You can do better than this!

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    • chief10

      chief10 October 8, 2015, 10:26 am

      But all that might be secret code for I REALLY DO WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, THIS IS JUST A TEST TO SEE IF YOU WILL FIGHT FOR OUR LOVE…better go get your 1981 Lucky Charms relationship decoder ring to find out!

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  • avatar

    laurahope October 8, 2015, 8:54 am

    I know you feel a connection with this guy because you knew him in hs but you’re adults now and you’ve only been dating him for a few months. You really don’t know him. It sounds like you constructed a fantasy in your head and you’re having trouble confronting reality. The reality is harsh but it’s kind of smacking you in the face. Wake up.

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  • avatar

    Melia October 8, 2015, 8:56 am

    The only thing I can’t get past-is that you broke into his house at 2am. Yes you had a key, but that is sort of really not okay.

    MOA and Leave him behind and the next time someone gives you a key-2am is not the time to let yourself in,

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    • avatar

      Phoebe October 8, 2015, 11:52 am

      I’m right there with you. Even though she had a key, that doesn’t make it okay.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros October 9, 2015, 2:17 pm

      Yeah…keys are not for people to come and go when they please. Typically, a key is like for when you have plans but he’s not quite there yet or to pick up the mail when he’s on vacation. It’s doesn’t mean you’re allowed to enter without permission and without the other person’s knowledge.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover October 9, 2015, 2:45 pm

        Depends. Every boyfriend who’s ever given me a key, it was so I could come whenever I wanted. The only time I’ve gotten a key that I was only allowed to use when invited, was when someone gave me their spare key in case they got locked out, or to feed their cats while on vacation, or something. And that was friends, not boyfriends. I’ve literally never gotten a key from a boyfriend that was for invite-only use.

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  • avatar

    RedRoverRedRover October 8, 2015, 9:15 am

    What an asshole. He could have easily broken up with you during the fight you just had. Instead he makes up, specifically tells you he still wants to be with you, instantly starts distancing himself from you, and then cheats on you? I can’t say whether he’s a sociopath, but he’s certainly a Grade A Douchebag. Thank your lucky stars that this didn’t go further and move on.

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  • avatar

    KMJ October 8, 2015, 9:18 am

    Again, Wendy nailed it.

    What is there to discuss or explain? You saw with your own eyes what happened and then he was an asshole to you, on top of that. Move on, leave the key, never contact this person again.
    Oh, and be happy you found out now that he’s a cheater!

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  • Diablo

    Diablo October 8, 2015, 9:23 am

    Wendy, some time ago, you piloted the perfect catchphrase for this situation: Aim Higher! Not to mention Enjoy Sweden. LW, your ex just gave you a gold-embossed handcrafted invitation to “get lost” (the phrase in my head is a tad more harsh). Personally, i think you should wreak some havoc in his place and then leave the key, but either way, don’t give this another second’s thought. You are done. Wendy is not in a position to diagnose Douchiekins with a cluster B personality disorder, but we can all spot an asshole.

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    • avatar

      Anon October 8, 2015, 9:24 am

      Yea cause that’s mature, wreak havoc on someones personal property because they wronged you in a relationship.

      Seems legit.

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      • Diablo

        Diablo October 8, 2015, 9:56 am

        Lighten up sniffles. I doubt anyone took that seriously. Besides which, I ain’t no friggin’ monument to maturity.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh October 8, 2015, 9:58 am

        Apparently we really need to work on that sarcasm font. Not that you’re ever sarcastic!

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      • othy

        othy October 8, 2015, 10:40 am

        I’m glad you just confirmed that Diablo is never sarcastic, because his advice is just so good!

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh October 8, 2015, 10:54 am

        I mean I wouldn’t want anyone to think I was talking about Diablo. Just felt like a good place to mention that font again.

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      • othy

        othy October 8, 2015, 1:42 pm

        But, you were replying to Diablo with ‘you’ and telling him that he’s sarcastic. And since I take everything I read literally, it’s only natural I would think that.

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      • mrmidtwenties

        mrmidtwenties October 8, 2015, 10:48 am

        I’m a personal fan of small but painful types of vandalism in this scenario. Maybe a dead fish where the furnace filter should go. Maybe a poop in the upper part of toilet. Or maybe, just maybe a snake in the bath tub.

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      • avatar

        Crazy_Pug_Lady October 8, 2015, 2:36 pm

        lol, the upper deck gets my vote!

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      • mrmidtwenties

        mrmidtwenties October 8, 2015, 3:28 pm

        I was trying for the life of me to figure out the term for an “upper deck” but I couldn’t remember what it was, the great part of an upper deck is you can still comfortably wipe your ass after vs other poop related pranks.

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      • Miss MJ

        Miss MJ October 8, 2015, 3:32 pm

        And…now I’ve learned two new things today. I don’t even want to know how you know this!

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      • Mr. Cellophane

        Mr. Cellophane October 8, 2015, 8:18 pm

        Personally, I’ve always been a big fan of the judicious use of herbicides. Just make sure you spell correctly, and that you plan your spacing carefully. Somehow “Asshol” or “Doucheba” doesn’t have the required…punch.

        I love the smell of Round-up in the morning!

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      • Monkeysmommy

        Monkeysmommy October 13, 2015, 9:58 am

        Lol, I thought it seemed like a good plan!

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    • avatar

      ron October 8, 2015, 9:56 am

      Yes, because that’s such a mature thing to do. Cheating on a woman, who you might actually be thinking of as an ex is not a crime. Wrecking a guy’s house most certainly is a crime. You could find yourself in serious trouble for that.

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana October 8, 2015, 10:16 am

        he was being sarcastic! holy shit people

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  • avatar

    TheRascal October 8, 2015, 9:27 am

    Ummm….can somebody explain the question this LW is asking? Because I’m not sure what we’re all supposed to say other than “Your ex-bf is a cheating a-hole. You deserve better.”

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  • Regina Chapman

    Regina Chapman October 8, 2015, 9:30 am

    Narcissistic sociopath? Don’t you mean ASSHOLE WHO TRIED TO DENY CHEATING EVEN THOUGH YOU CAUGHT HIM??
    .
    Please, please, please read your own letter and try to imagine it came from your best friend. You’d see she was being delusional, right? And you’d tell her she was lying to herself and making excuses for him, and to aim higher because she deserves so much better. And then please try to apply that to yourself.

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  • avatar

    Ron October 8, 2015, 9:53 am

    It sounds like you were broken up after the fight and he simply didn’t bother to get his key back. It certainly sounds as if, despite you and he saying you had fixed things up after the fight, that there was little communication and no closeness and he just went his separate way. Perhaps he planned to try to keep you as a fwb, perhaps he just didn’t want more fighting in person and planned to do a fade, saying what he felt he needed after the fight to extricate himself from the current conversation/direct contact, but knowing he was done with your relationship.

    You were only together a few months and then you had a fight. It’s not strange for things to simply end at that point. The fade makes him more coward than sociopath or really even cheater. I think in his mind your relationship was over after the fight.

    This is one of those letters where what isn’t said is important. What did you fight about? How serious a fight was it? Fighting just a few months into a relationship is often a sign that things just aren’t going to work. I suspect LW is glossing over a lot here.

    Btw, I think ex-bf has a right to be pissed. You seem like a very jealous person and despite having a key you were trespassing. He was home and you knew he had company. Your key was not given to you to sneak into his house, rather than ringing the bell and waiting for him to open the door. Seriously, people sneaking into other people’s homes when they’re not expected have been shot as intruders. What you did was risky, besides being very rude and intrusive. You are not the dating police. The proper move was to confront him in the morning. You acted like a crazy person.

    And Wendy is right. Your relationship is clearly over. There is no question. Return the key and vow to behave better in the future. He didn’t behave well, but your behavior was worse. I’m quite certain you knew full well your relationship was over before you entered the house.

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    • avatar

      Anonymous October 8, 2015, 10:50 am

      I don’t think entering a house with a key that was freely given to you can be considered trespassing. I agree it wasn’t appropriate, but it wasn’t illegal either.

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  • avatar

    haggith October 8, 2015, 10:01 am

    an INTJ here. Nop, it’s not because of that at all. He’s an asshole, he doesn’t want to be with you, and you’re in Denialand

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    • Portia

      Portia October 8, 2015, 10:58 am

      Another INTJ here. The boyfriend is an asshole regardless of his Myers-Briggs type. She might also be in Dismaland, but I think they dismantled it already…

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      • avatar

        K October 8, 2015, 11:31 am

        Seriously! My boyfriend is an INTJ – INTJ does not = asshole.

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    • Diablo

      Diablo October 8, 2015, 11:27 am

      I have also tested as INTJ and INFJ at different times. Of course, it, uh, might be fair to, ahem, mention that Meyers Briggs might, er, not be exactly the, well, most credible methodology ever invented either. In fact, it might not mean much more than when I say I am FSM.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover October 8, 2015, 3:34 pm

        I was gonna say… hasn’t it been pretty much debunked? Also, none of the personality types were automatically assholes. Come on.

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      • Diablo

        Diablo October 8, 2015, 4:28 pm

        NO ONE can debunk the FSM! Heresy!

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    • avatar

      LisforLeslie October 8, 2015, 11:52 am

      INTJ as well – I’ve been told I’m too empathetic. Don’t try reaching for reasons. There is nothing worth fighting for here.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 October 8, 2015, 10:02 am

    Why do people like this still call somebody their boyfriend, and why do they still want to be with people who treat them like that? It’s like Victor Cruz’s fiancee, she finds out he has a bunch of side chicks, puts him on blast by group messaging them, but she is still his fiancee. That probably has a lot more to do with money in that situation though.

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  • avatar

    Ele4phant October 8, 2015, 10:20 am

    I’m not sure what you want to talk to him about – it sounds like he dumped you. He’s not repentant about being with another woman, asked you to give your keys back, and told you never to contact him again.

    And even if he hasn’t dumped you (he has) why would you want to stay with him anyways. He seems horrible.

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  • avatar

    girltuesday October 8, 2015, 10:29 am

    There is just so much MOA in this post, I could not possibly type it enough in here.

    AIM HIGHER, LW!

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  • avatar

    dinoceros October 8, 2015, 10:32 am

    I’m not sure what you’re seeking advice on. He cheated, you caught him, and then he broke up with you. It sucks. He’s a jerk. You should probably be glad that he no longer wants to see you because you don’t have the temptation of trying to stay with him.

    Also, I’m an INTJ, and I don’t really like what you’re implying. I’m not a psychopath. I don’t cheat. His MBTI type has nothing to do with this.

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  • avatar

    Vathena October 8, 2015, 10:58 am

    Pretty much all my close friends, my husband, and myself are E/I NTJs. Never knew we were just a bunch of assholes!

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    • avatar

      LW October 12, 2015, 8:55 am

      I didn’t mean that his personality type means he’s an asshole…there is a lot to that personality, and him not being in touch with his emotional side, adds to how he was in the relationship.

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  • avatar

    joanna October 8, 2015, 11:36 am

    I don’t think INTJs are 1% of the population. I am one too and it seems like there are always a ton. It may be a very dated statistic.

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  • avatar

    Another Jen October 8, 2015, 12:14 pm

    I learned a long time ago that trying puzzle out others’ motives, what their behavior means, whether they’re a sociopath or just an asshole, is a waste of time and energy. This person is a cheater, isn’t nice to you, and told you to return his key and stop contacting him.

    Rather than wondering about excuses and feeling awful, why not take the positive out of this and move on? You reconnected with someone you knew a long time ago, felt a real connection, and had a great time. There’s no shame in that…it’s actually pretty cool. BUT, YOU NEED TO RECOGNIZE THAT IT’S RUN ITS COURSE.

    What to do at this point is pretty clear: return the key, stop contacting him. Any other path forward winds up with him getting a restraining order and you looking like a nutbag.

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  • Stonegypsy

    Stonegypsy October 8, 2015, 3:04 pm

    Like others, I don’t understand what you’re asking here. You had a short relationship with someone you knew in HS. He cheated on you, you caught him, he broke up with you.
    Move on and thank your lucky stars you didn’t waste anymore time with him.

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  • FireStar

    Firestar October 8, 2015, 4:00 pm

    The important part about him isn’t some arm chair personality diagnosis – it’s the fact that he cheated and then dumped you. Why he would HAVE to dump you after what you saw I do not understand. What on earth were you thinking he would say the next day to make that better? Give back the key on your way to counselling to find out why you would ever think this situation could ever be salvaged.

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  • avatar

    Anna October 8, 2015, 4:34 pm

    I know how you can figure this out LW! It’s a simple personality quiz really! Ok, ready?

    Are you a fucking idiot?
    A) Yes
    B) No

    If your answer is A, then you should continue to demean yourself by begging this cheater to give you a reason to come back. If your answer is B, then turn around, leave this asshole and start working on yourself and figuring out why your sense of self worth is so low, you didn’t just say ‘eff you’ and walk away from him.

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    • avatar

      Ron October 8, 2015, 7:12 pm

      Less than clear the guy is even a cheater. From what LW says it sounds like he was doing a fade on her and had already moved on. If a guy is going to cheat, he is not going to stop initiating and warmly replying to messages. The goal of a cheater is to convince his gf that all is fine, so that he is free to cheat, without disrupting his primary relationship. From what she writes, I think he was done with her after the fight and thought a fade was a way to avoid confrontation.

      It’s a cowardly approach, but given her stalkerish behavior and her point of view that he’s the sociopath, he might have been wise to do the fade rather than face her wrath breaking up face-to-face. Really, she has a key to his house, but it isn’t her house, she doesn’t live there, she knew he had company. Who sneaks into the house and bedroom under such circumstances? She claims she hoped the ‘guest’ was just sleeping on the sofa. Well, she passed the vacant sofa and kept going to the bedroom. That is whacko behavior. Just because you think you may still be in an active relationship with somebody, despite being faded on, does not give one the right to engage in such behavior.

      BGM is correct, if the LW were a male, talking about behaving like this to his gf, I guarantee you the comments would be vastly different in tone. The ex better be careful, the LW sounds like a bunny boiler.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover October 8, 2015, 9:00 pm

        Well since he said he still wanted to work on them, and didn’t break up with her (which he easily could have during the fight), then they were still together. Whether he was trying to do a fade or not, it had only been a couple of days and that’s not long enough to consider it over. So yes, he’s a cheater.
        .
        And you really don’t see the difference between a woman going into a man’s house in the middle of the night, and a man going into a woman’s? Generally men can easily overpower women. Would you find it more threatening to have a man come into your house or a woman? I can guarantee you wouldn’t have the same reaction to a woman as to a man either. It makes even more difference when you’re a woman and are that much physically weaker than the average man.
        .
        Not that she should have gone into his house; she shouldn’t have. I agree that’s crazy. But you can’t compare the genders like that when there’s a possibility of physical threat. They simply are not physically equal when it comes to strength.

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        ron October 8, 2015, 10:10 pm

        Women also assault men. It doesn’t take a lot of physical strength to harm someone asleep in their bed. Whether it’s a man coming into a house or a woman, we’re talking about a couple — a man and a woman in bed. We are a gun crazy country. When someone sneaks into your house, regardless if that person is physically stronger or not, you just don’t know how much bad news it can be.

        We have only her account of the making up from the argument, but that account is strange. It seems the argument may have been about him drifting away. She says: “on top of telling me how much he physically wanted me, he said he wasn’t ready to give up on us”. If he’s really her bf and thinking of himself as her bf and they’ve had the exclusivity talk and are now a bare few months in after re-meeting each other after over 20 years, that just struck me as strange. No ‘yes I still love you.’ No ‘of course I care about you’. No ‘of course I want you in my future’. It sounded to my ears more like something a fwb would say to reassure his partner that he still finds her body attractive. Her rendition of his comments is strictly about the physical, nothing about liking or loving her. And I’m really not sure he and she have the same definition of what ‘us’ is here. It just struck me as strange and more an attempt at gentle let down or ‘God, let me just get out of here’ than a guy talking to a gf he loves.

        Then, I guess the whole part about they were ‘fated’ to re-meet, sounds a little over the top for a few months relationship, in which they’ve already broken up, sort of made up again, and he instantly drops out of communication for two days, which from her tone was a big change. Even when prompted he barely responds. He’s done with her. I don’t believe from his perspective they were bf/gf after the fight. Maybe they weren’t before the fight. I think she heard what she wanted to hear. It really is strange. Then she does the stalkerish thing and invades his bedroom, and then… she wants to talk to him. She thinks things are fixable. She goes back to his house once again. BGM is absolutely right, if the fight and the fade weren’t enough of a hint that they were broken up, the other woman in bed sure is a 100% unavoidable clue. Yet she avoids it. Wendy and everyone else are stonkered by her reaction here, but take the rest at face value. I think this final absurdity just proves BGM’s and my view that they fought, they broke up, he tried to either let her down easy or escape without too great an emotional blowup, then he went silent and ignored her, then she messaged him, then he gave bare minimum responses to her repeated messages to him. She really can’t take a hint. He didn’t cheat on her. He had already broken up with her.She’s in a fantasy world. It really doesn’t all make sense any other way.

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        RedRoverRedRover October 9, 2015, 12:26 pm

        It doesn’t make sense to *you* any other way, because you don’t want to believe her story which makes the guy out to be an asshole. He could have just broken up with her when they fought. Instead he decided to be a complete jerk, tell her what she wanted to hear in the moment, and freeze her out afterwards. That’s not the same as breaking up though. After a couple of days, he might consider that he’s in the process of “breaking up” with her, but the fact is that he hasn’t done it yet. He could have, and then he wouldn’t be a cheater. But he didn’t want to face the music and just tell her, he took the coward’s way out and told her he still wants to be a couple, so yes he’s a cheater. After a few weeks of freezing her out it would make sense for him to think she’s gotten the message and that they’re now broken up. Not after two days though. When I was dating my husband, there were times we went two days with no contact, or with just short responses, because one or the other of us was busy. It didn’t signal to me that we’d automatically broken up and that he was free to sleep around. Come on.

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        Anna October 9, 2015, 3:22 pm

        I mean, cheater or not, she’s really creepy. And the entire, ‘he didn’t give me an explaination’ thing screams that she’d take him back, if he gives her an opening. She’s creepy & he’s an asshole. They both kinda suck.

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      • avatar

        Ron October 9, 2015, 4:27 pm

        He may have been slow on the uptake in realiizing how mentally ill she is. Guys see a pretty woman and their little head does the thinking, then Oops!

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      • avatar

        Ron October 9, 2015, 5:37 pm

        Please… read the thread from Redhead_Velvet in the forum for this same situation from the woman’s perspective. Crazy hears what it wants to hear. The punchline summary in about her third post:

        “He basically believes we are still together and that I am cheating on him with my current SO. This is because I told him that the possibility of getting back together in the future is not impossible though highly unlikely.”

        They separated two years ago.

        You say that only I think my explanation is the one that holds together. Well, how do you integrate all the information she has given us, including the ending, which shows she is clearly living in fantasyland regarding the state of her ‘relationship’ and what the clear stalker behavior says about her state of mind. Also, how do you explain that a ‘cheater’ is making no attempt what soever to string along the woman who claims to still be his gf?

        I’m not even saying she is lying all that much. What she says is quite damning enough and what she doesn’t say is quite telling:
        — never mentions that he ever said he loves her
        — reports on what he said at the get-back-together-after-the-breakup discussion, but really the warmest thing she can think of to have him say is that he still finds her eminently bangable. He hasn’t ‘given up on us’. That’s really, really vague, assuming that is what he actually said as opposed to her paraphrase of “let’s give this a rest and perhaps we can get together some time in the future.” Or it is her interpretation of the all-too-typical “okay, we can think of this as a break,not a breakup and see what we think in 6 months. I’m not feeling it now, but I won’t give up on us, I’ll go off on my own, clear my head, and see what I think in 6 months”.
        — notice she doesn’t say at all how he replied to her repeated texts after two days without hearing from him, although she lets us know he was really curt. How much do you want to bet it wasn’t “we agreed not to communicate for the next 6 months. Please stop texting me.”

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        RedRoverRedRover October 9, 2015, 6:11 pm

        Uh, two years is slightly different from two days. And I agree that *he* was mentally done with the relationship, but since he didn’t tell *her* that, and it hadn’t been long enough to be clear to a reasonable person, then they were technically still together. Most people don’t assume that they’re dumped after two days of minimal responses, in fact *that* would be crazy if that was your go-to assumption.
        .
        He’s not trying to keep the relationship up because he’s fine with it being over. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t cheat on her. To not cheat, you have to break up with your girlfriend first. He skipped that step. In fact he was likely using the cheating as a way to get her to dump him. He sounds like one of those people who instead of facing the music and breaking up, just treats the other person like shit till *they* do the breaking up. Still doesn’t make it not cheating, and still doesn’t make him not an asshole.
        .
        I just don’t get why you insist on adding details that aren’t there. What you’re adding is pure speculation. The story as told hangs together perfectly without your additions. Lots of people behave the way her bf did. It’s not like it’s unbelievable that this happened. So I don’t see why you can’t possibly believe it, and have to change the story to make him look totally innocent and make her look like a total nutbag.

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        LW October 12, 2015, 8:52 am

        my behavior is wors? Not accepting that at all…I wanted to confront him and see for myself, rather than ask him in the morning, and I’m sure he would have lied about it. I have never used my key to go in when he didn’t know I was coming over. I needed to see for myself. The last thing he said to me was that he wasn’t ready to give up on our relationship, and 2 days later is sleeping with someone else? No excuse for that. When your gut tells you something is wrong, it’s usually right on target. I wasn’t going to let him lie to me in the morning about it, I had to see with my own eyes. If he is mad about me barging in, then so be it, I accept that choice I made. If I hadn’t felt a horrible gut feeling all day,him ignoring me, me seeing the same car in his driveway when I stopped in to see him earlier that day, I wouldn’t have gone in. I agree I should have not even gone over to his house at the early hours of the morning, but I do think he would have kept lying to me and the relationship would have been more stress than its worth. I have known him for 27 years since high school, and he has said he never stopped loving me all those years. So, it’s not just a few months that I’ve known him. The last 4 years we have become good friends again. This is the plain and simple truth…I’m not lying…I asked him after we talked after the fight, I needed to know where we stood..we were still together., and if in his mind it was different, then, he should have said so. We even agreed that no matter what, there is no excuse for cheating, on a conversation we had in the past..I have not contacted him after that, and wont. He got his key back, I’m much better off without him.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark October 9, 2015, 9:48 am

        Right. Right… Tell THAT to the guy who was stabbed to death / decapitated in his own shower by that psychopathic bitch in Arizona a few years back — Michelle whateverthefuckhernamewas…

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        Unwanted_Truth October 9, 2015, 11:53 am

        @BGM – Jodie Arias Sick twisted fucking bitch.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom October 9, 2015, 9:57 am

        He shouldn’t have given her a key in the first place. They barely knew each other and he gave her a key which is an invitation to come in without knocking. People should think about what they do and quit rushing things.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark October 8, 2015, 6:10 pm

    Eh… Honestly? He probably staged the whole thing as he seriously wants OUT and you so can’t take a hint. But if a guy crept into his girlfriend’s house in the dead of night — somehow I think pretty much everybody would say that HE is the psychopath, sweetie… not the other way around. 😉

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      Simonthegrey October 8, 2015, 7:11 pm

      This. Sister’s got a full blown case of the crazies.

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      dinoceros October 9, 2015, 2:14 pm

      Yep. Driving by his place is getting stalkerish already. She clearly knew what that meant, so going in was not necessary.

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  • Monkeysmommy

    Monkeysmommy October 13, 2015, 10:06 am

    OPs response makes her sound even crazier. I think we should be telling HIM to run!

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    DMD May 20, 2017, 4:06 pm

    Just the car in the driveway in the middle of the night is enough of a sign that you two were over, going in doesn’t solve anything except you playing over in your head the fact that those two were in bed together. Personally, seeing those two in bed together is more traumatic for me than in visioning them together in bed. You don’t solve anything by doing that, I believe it just makes things more painful as you digest the magnate of the break up of the relationship.

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