Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I Caught My Husband Sexting My Friends!”

text message

I have been married two years to the most amazing man, and we have a 15-month-old son together. Last night I was using his phone and I noticed some conversations opened. When I clicked on them, I noticed he was sexting girls things like: “Send me something good” and “My pants are getting tight.” There were multiple conversations with four different girls. To make matters worse, two of the girls were my supposed friends.

Needless to say, my heart sank into my stomach; I couldn’t even look at the entire conversations. When I confronted him, he apologized and said that he would never physically cheat on me — that it was something stupid. He also mentioned the fact that we haven’t been as intimate as when we first started dating six years ago, and then he followed that statement by saying that he wasn’t blaming me and that it wasn’t my fault.

I’m soo angry and hurt and embarrassed; I just don’t know what to do. I love him, and I think he’s an amazing dad, a great man, and a great husband — always caring and kind. But he keeps sexting. This is the second time he’s done it. I don’t know what to think. — He Even Sexted My Friends

You’re in denial about a few things. First of all, the man you’re married to is not a “great husband — always caring and kind.” HE’S BEEN SEXTING OTHER WOMEN — WOMEN YOU KNOW!! When I think of great husband material, sexting a wife’s friends doesn’t exactly top the list of quality characteristics. Second of all, you say this is the second time he’s sexted. Wrong. Maybe it’s the second time you’ve caught him, but I can almost guarantee it’s not the second time he’s done it. Who knows how many women he’s texted and how long this has been going on.

All of that is bad, but what’s really, truly awful is that, when confronted with the evidence, he didn’t take responsibility for his actions — he blamed a reduced amount of intimacy in your relationship as the reason for his transgressions. What a shitty thing to say. You’ve been together for six years and have a young toddler at home. Yeah, no shit you aren’t getting busy as much as you used to. And no shit it’s not your fault. His sexting is entirely — ENTIRELY — his fault. You can both share credit and/or blame in other issues in your relationship, but the sexting? One hundred percent his fault. And he’s a douche waffle for even insinuating that’s not the case.

So, what do you do now? Therapy. Lots of it. You guys need it. You need someone to mediate as you both express your feelings. You need someone to give you the tools to communicate again and figure out how to make your relationship a priority while also balancing the demands of parenting a very young child. What you don’t do is sweep this under the rug or tell yourself it’s only happened twice and it was just a mistake and, now that he knows you know, he’ll be better in the future. No, there’s a real problem in your marriage. The sexting is a symptom of the problem. And as long as the problem exists, the bad behavior — and the sexting is just one behavior you happen to know about — will continue. You need a qualified professional to help treat the issue beneath the symptom or your marriage will eventually fall apart and your son with either grow up in a home where his parents hate and/or distrust and resent each other, or he won’t remember them ever being together and happy.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

14 comments… add one
  • avatar

    2_J March 16, 2015, 5:27 pm

    First of all. Before i even click to read what Wendy has to say, this pissed me off. Number one, NO HE IS NOT an amazing MAN, are you fucking serious? Then he had the audacity to suggest that it was YOUR fault because you were less intimate with him than before, then followed that up with “I’m not blaming you”? Get a damn clue here. I know this hurts, but i can almost guarantee you, he most likely has done much worse than just the sexting. Btw, those “women” aren’t your real friends. I feel for you, but DO NOT eat up his bullshit excuses. He is NOT a great man. Period. Father? Sure, most likely actually, but when it comes to your marriage? Nope. Sorry.

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  • avatar

    2_J March 16, 2015, 5:29 pm

    <——foot in mouth. Wow, well at least we're on the same page here lol. (just read the reply, good lord.)

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  • avatar

    booknerd March 16, 2015, 5:46 pm

    Perfect response. What an ass.

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  • avatar

    Essie March 16, 2015, 5:47 pm

    I’m sorry, this is going to be harsh. But it has to be said.
    .
    The person you thought he was might be a great man and a great husband. But he is not the person you though he was. What he is, is a grossly selfish, immature man-child who has zero respect for his wife, and the mother of his child.
    .
    You said you feel embarrassed. Sure, anyone would. These nasty ‘friends’ of yours are probably laughing their butts off about what your husband has been doing. And he KNEW it would embarrass you. He knew it. And he didn’t care. Or, to put it a different way, he cared more about seeing your friends’ boobs than he did about you, and how badly this would hurt you.
    .
    I can’t even argue in favor of counseling here. What he did was so disgusting, such a betrayal, that I wouldn’t be able to get past it. And then to have the gall to blame it on you, like you weren’t satisfying him enough so he had no choice but to turn to your FRIENDS to get him off……ugh. Nope. I wouldn’t be speaking to him or these so-called friends ever again. Visitation arrangements would be made through my lawyer.
    .
    Gack. Now I want to go take a shower. What a dirtbag.

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  • Lyra

    Lyra March 16, 2015, 5:57 pm

    Think about it this way: his way of showing you how much you mean to him is by sexting women behind your back. If you ask me that tells you a LOT about his respect (or lack thereof) for you. It shows that despite having only been married 2 years with a child together, he’s not willing to be open and honest with you. It shows that he cares more about a picture of another woman’s chest than taking care of his family. He might have been a good husband at one time, but he is NOT one now. Think about how you would feel if a sister, or a friend told you this. Would you support their statement of “he’s a great, caring husband”? Probably not.
    .
    If you want to work at your marriage, and I would assume you would, yes go to therapy. I would also say, stand up for yourself and your needs and don’t give your husband much leeway. If he promises he’ll change this and then in 6 months you find out he hasn’t stopped, it’s time to leave.

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  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite March 16, 2015, 6:22 pm

    WWS, you knew he did this before and you still think he’s so great? Why did you marry this man?

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  • avatar

    Anna March 16, 2015, 7:34 pm

    I just love the term douche waffle. And of course it’s very fitting here like always.

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  • Raccoon eyes

    Raccoon eyes March 16, 2015, 8:33 pm

    WWS.
    *
    Now, Im not one for math… But if you just caught him sexting 4 women, to me that = 4xs. This other time you say you caught him = at least 1x…So that means you caught him at least 5xs sexting other women, right? Some math I do know is that: 5xs sexting + married to the guy + toddler at home + saying “we arent as intimate as we were when dating 6 years ago butitsnotyourfaultdearest = your husband is a jerkwad.

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  • mylaray

    mylaray March 16, 2015, 9:00 pm

    I agree with Wendy that you should try therapy with your husband. Yes, it’s a shitty thing your husband has done and it shouldn’t be tolerated. I would be out the door immediately, but I don’t have kids. I think you (and your husband) owe it to your child to try. He really needs to step it up. If he refuses therapy or doesn’t show any change or take the blame on his behavior, then you have your answer.

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    • avatar

      booknerd March 16, 2015, 10:00 pm

      Yeah, I agree. If it was just you, no kiddo, you should have moved on the first time you caught him. He obviously has no respect for you if he sexts other women, let alone your own damn friends. He sexts your friends behind your back. I’m pretty sure that’s the definition of creepy asshole. Give it a shot, but if he doesn’t work on your relationship and stop this shit, get the eff out of there.

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  • avatar

    Ladybug March 17, 2015, 8:48 am

    Reaction of an “amazing dad, a great man, and a great husband” to less intimacy: start a conversation about how you’ve both neglected that side of your relationship lately and discuss ways (he helps out more with the kid, arrange for periodic date nights, etc) to work more sexy time into your lives. Reaction of a complete and total asshat: start sexting your friends. WWS, get to counseling and don’t ever, not even for one second, let him try to shift the blame to you.

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  • chief10

    chief10 March 17, 2015, 11:27 am

    This is absolutely reprehensible LW. If this was the first such instance of sexting I might advise counseling and such for you and your husband and trying to sustain your family. But he doesn’t give a shit. Not one. Or he wouldn’t be sexting 5 of your friends right now! Your husband is Motor Oil and Motor Oil will never become the Pinot Grigio you want it to be.

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  • avatar

    Laura Hope March 17, 2015, 12:09 pm

    Discreetly cheating is one thing but sexting with your friends is openly hostile. It’s a big fat eff you.

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  • avatar

    Baccalieu March 17, 2015, 7:00 pm

    I am not and would not defend this guy’s sexting, but I have a couple questions for everyone who is bashing him for daring to mention the decrease in intimacy. Don’t you think that at some point during the “confrontation” she probably asked him why he did it (wouldn’t you?) and that’s when he mentioned the lack of intimacy. What was he supposed to say – “I don’t know why I did it, I guess I’m just a douche waffle”?

    Also, when they are in therapy, in order to be considered “a good man”, does he have to keep his mouth shut about his unhappiness with the reduction in intimacy, because as soon as he mentions it, he becomes a douche waffle who is blaming her? Does carrying on the sexting mean that he loses the right to complain about the lack of intimacy? Because I have to think that couples therapy that doesn’t deal with the intimacy issue is unlikely to work.

    I am just saying that he specifically said when he raised the issue that he wasn’t blaming her and it wasn’t her fault, which would seem to be the right (and the only way) to raise something that has to be raised if they are going to stay together successfully, yet the fact that he said it wasn’t her fault seems to be considered an aggravating factor (or at least just words) by Wendy and the commenters.

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