Needless to say, my heart sank into my stomach; I couldn’t even look at the entire conversations. When I confronted him, he apologized and said that he would never physically cheat on me — that it was something stupid. He also mentioned the fact that we haven’t been as intimate as when we first started dating six years ago, and then he followed that statement by saying that he wasn’t blaming me and that it wasn’t my fault.
I’m soo angry and hurt and embarrassed; I just don’t know what to do. I love him, and I think he’s an amazing dad, a great man, and a great husband — always caring and kind. But he keeps sexting. This is the second time he’s done it. I don’t know what to think. — He Even Sexted My Friends
You’re in denial about a few things. First of all, the man you’re married to is not a “great husband — always caring and kind.” HE’S BEEN SEXTING OTHER WOMEN — WOMEN YOU KNOW!! When I think of great husband material, sexting a wife’s friends doesn’t exactly top the list of quality characteristics. Second of all, you say this is the second time he’s sexted. Wrong. Maybe it’s the second time you’ve caught him, but I can almost guarantee it’s not the second time he’s done it. Who knows how many women he’s texted and how long this has been going on.
All of that is bad, but what’s really, truly awful is that, when confronted with the evidence, he didn’t take responsibility for his actions — he blamed a reduced amount of intimacy in your relationship as the reason for his transgressions. What a shitty thing to say. You’ve been together for six years and have a young toddler at home. Yeah, no shit you aren’t getting busy as much as you used to. And no shit it’s not your fault. His sexting is entirely — ENTIRELY — his fault. You can both share credit and/or blame in other issues in your relationship, but the sexting? One hundred percent his fault. And he’s a douche waffle for even insinuating that’s not the case.
So, what do you do now? Therapy. Lots of it. You guys need it. You need someone to mediate as you both express your feelings. You need someone to give you the tools to communicate again and figure out how to make your relationship a priority while also balancing the demands of parenting a very young child. What you don’t do is sweep this under the rug or tell yourself it’s only happened twice and it was just a mistake and, now that he knows you know, he’ll be better in the future. No, there’s a real problem in your marriage. The sexting is a symptom of the problem. And as long as the problem exists, the bad behavior — and the sexting is just one behavior you happen to know about — will continue. You need a qualified professional to help treat the issue beneath the symptom or your marriage will eventually fall apart and your son with either grow up in a home where his parents hate and/or distrust and resent each other, or he won’t remember them ever being together and happy.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.