Somehow, he met a girl, I’m assuming a “fan,” and they have exchanged hundreds of private messages. She was extremely flirty and at first he was very kind but not flirty to her. But then she didn’t want to chat on Facebook anymore so they exchanged Skype names. Well, he ended up creating a new Skype name and she is the only friend under that new name. Last night they ended up chatting for a couple of hours and he did not get off his computer until 4 AM! So this morning I went to check his convo on Skype and he kept telling her how beautiful she was and kept sending her kisses. Then as they signed off he said: “I have never shown anyone my body before. Especially on the first night. So I hope you feel special Carolita bebota (which in Spanish means babe).
I was absolutely crushed. I feel so betrayed and hurt. I don’t know what to do or what to say or how to act. I realize that my discovery was found in a not-so-great way but I still feel like throwing up. Please tell me if I am wrong and if I should just pretend I never saw anything, or how to approach this if I do need to say something. My heart is heavy and I feel lost and alone. Please please help!!! — Wife vs “Fan”
I’m definitely not going to tell you you’re wrong and that you should pretend you never saw anything. Listen, I tried to pretend I didn’t see a naked Ricki Lake give birth in her bathtub in “The Business of Being Born,” and unfortunately, there are just some things that cannot be unseen. Like illicit messages from your husband to another woman. Anyway, snooping, especially when you have good reason to question someone’s behavior, isn’t like this black and white issue. And even if it were — even if you were 100% wrong for snooping through your husband’s private correspondences — that wouldn’t negate the fact that he is more wrong. He is more wrong because he’s disrespecting your union and has formed a relationship with someone outside your marriage.
While there doesn’t seem to be indication from what you’ve described that their relationship is physical, there has definitely been emotional infidelity and you absolutely need to call your husband on it. Yes, this will mean admitting to snooping for the last few months, but again, his wrong is worse. Don’t let him twist things and shift the blame onto you. You had reason to do what you did, but what he’s done to you is completely unjustified. So, tell him what you’ve found. Tell him you know about this girl and you no longer trust him. And then listen to what he has to say for himself and decide what you need in order to move forward.
You can’t have a marriage without trust, so decide what — if anything — your husband can do to earn yours back. I can’t say what that is. Only you can know. Maybe it means not traveling as much, or taking you on the road when he does go somewhere. Maybe it means giving you full access to his phone bill(s) to check outgoing and incoming calls and texts. Or maybe it simply means deleting his extra Skype account and telling this “fan” he will no longer be corresponding with her. I don’t know. You have to decide how deeply your trust has been fractured — and that means taking into consideration past indiscretions that lead to your snooping in the first place — and how much repair is necessary in order for you to move forward, and then you need to communicate that with your husband as soon as you figure it out.
And if he’s not receptive to doing whatever it takes to earn back your trust, you have to decide whether your marriage has a future. If he’s not willing to put you first — above his career and certainly above whatever pretty, young fan is throwing herself at him — what’s the point in staying with him? You definitely have a lot of thinking to do. But first, a talk with your husband is long overdue. Good luck.