Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I Don’t Want This Woman at My Fiancé’s Birthday Party!”

My fiancé and my social circle is very close, hosting potlucks every weekend and celebrating most parties at a house that we call “S House,” for anonymity’s sake. Well, a couple in our group — Julie and Kent —recently went through a very nasty breakup. Julie has always been very demeaning of Kent, treating him like a dog, using him for what little money he has, cheating on him and the like. Everyone in our group has tried to sit down with Kent at one point to try to talk some sense into him – he deserves much better than Julie. Besides all that, Julie is morally corrupt (she’ll screw over or manipulate anyone anytime for her own gain), a complete bore and no one enjoys her presence at our get-togethers. She acts like she is better and smarter than everyone, doesn’t understand humor (and therefore always creates an awkward silence when she ruins a joke), and LOVES drama. She has spread malicious lies about everyone in our collective group; I suppose she does it because she enjoys being the “puppet master” and ruining relationships. Most people, at this point, just don’t talk to her and roll their eyes when she gets started on the newest round of BS gossip. 

The reason why I’m writing to you now is that now that Julie has been kicked out of Kent’s house, and has been crashing at my fiancé’s best friend’s house, “S House. For the last several months we have been planning on having my fiancé’s and his best friend’s birthday party (they share the same b-day) later this month, at “S House.” She has already made it clear that she thinks she’s invited to the party, despite my fiancé HATING her. No one who lives in “S House” is willing to step up to the plate and tell Julie to GTFO, that she isn’t welcome anymore and that her persistence for sticking around is making it difficult for us to maintain a relationship with Kent, who everybody loves and prefers to have at the parties (he refuses to go if she’ll be there). I have a feeling that I’m the only one with enough balls to confront this girl and tell her like it is… but I don’t want to be a bitch to her, since she is going through a hard time, but I also don’t want to be a push-over and let her walk all over me and everyone else. What can I say or do to convince this girl that she needs to find new friends and leave us alone? — Social Circle Politics


If you’re throwing the birthday party at a place where you don’t pay the rent or mortgage, deciding whom to allow there is kind of out of your hands, particularly if the people who do pay the rent or mortgage there have no interest in forbidding particular house guests from attending the party. If you don’t want Julie to be at your fiance’s party and you want to make sure Kent is there, it seems you need to find a different place to hold the party. Your house, for example, would be one suggestion, or renting space or a room in a restaurant or bar. Maybe if your mutual friends see that Julie’s presence is so terrible that you’d actually throw a party somewhere besides S House, they’ll understand the gravity of the situation and tell her to get her own place. Other than that, I really can’t see where it’s your place to tell Julie to move out of a home you don’t live in simply because you want to have a party there. If she were crashing at your place, of course it would be different. But she isn’t, so there’s not much you can do.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

50 comments… add one
  • avatar

    BoomChakaLaka June 23, 2011, 8:34 am

    Wendy is spot on with the correct etiquette on how to deal with this situation. But, did anyone else do a double take at how LW spent the entire letter bashing Julie and then towards the end actually sympathized with her for going through a “hard time?”

    Maybe its just me, but I cannot comprehend thinking of someone else in such a bad light and feeling bad about potentially “being a bitch” to them.

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      honeybeenicki June 23, 2011, 8:36 am

      I noticed that too. Sometimes when I find myself just outright disliking someone I will sympathize with them on some level just to keep myself leveled and keep everything in perspective.

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      PFG-SCR June 23, 2011, 9:32 am

      “But, did anyone else do a double take at how LW spent the entire letter bashing Julie and then towards the end actually sympathized with her for going through a ‘hard time’?”

      Personally, I didn’t find her sympathy sincere at all – I think the LW put that in so she herself didn’t look so bad after being so harsh about Julie for two paragraphs.

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        BoomChakaLaka June 23, 2011, 11:56 am

        PFG-SCR, I totally agree with you. It just seemed out of place.

        Essentially the letter breaks down to, “I hate Julie a lot and I really want to bitch her out. Can I do so? But of course, that’s not actually a conflict, so I’ll just add this piece about how I’m worried for her even though I hope she dies.”

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      MsMisery June 23, 2011, 9:38 am

      I think women just have a harder time standing up to certain people (bosses, bitches, etc) because we’re raised to “be nice, be good,” even when the situation or the person warrants the reaction.

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        missarissa June 23, 2011, 11:25 am

        Ha, I don’t think that is this woman’s problem.

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      LTC039 June 23, 2011, 9:05 am

      Yeah. From what the letter depicted, Julie brought the “hard times” upon herself by being a bitch to Kent. So why feel bad for her?

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      LennyBee June 23, 2011, 1:10 pm

      I don’t know. It could be sincere. There are people I have to deal with whom I absolutely dislike, I think they’re terrible people who are completely self-absorbed, and have, in some instances, sabotaged my efforts at work. But I still can’t bring myself to be mean to them, even though sometimes they totally deserve it. I fantasize about taking revenge, but when it comes down to it, I would feel like a terrible person if I was ever actually intentionally mean to them. It’s hard to actually be mean to someone. Easy to imagine it, hard to do it. And hard not to feel like a bad person afterwards.

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        evanscr05 June 23, 2011, 5:52 pm

        I feel the same way. I had this horribly, nasty bitch of a woman at work a couple of years back who really started to make it rather hostile. After talking to some folks who’d be around for a while, it turns out this was not the first job she pulled these kind of antics (and in fact, my boss was warned about it and told not to hire her, and he did it anyway). Long story short, I went to my boss in tears about her one day, mentioned the words “hostile work environment”, and an HR shit storm rained down upon her. Ended up with her being fired. Even though she had it coming and it was sheer torture for me at work (and at home because I couldn’t sleep or eat well from it all), I STILL feel guilty about causing someone to be displaced from their job. That’s not just telling someone off, that’s her whole livelihood. Some of us folks just have a hard time following through with the mean even when it’s well deserved.

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  • avatar

    PFG-SCR June 23, 2011, 8:54 am

    You’re spewing a lot of vitriol about this woman, and I’m guessing there is more to the story than what you’ve shared. The fact that others have shown by their actions (or lack of actions) to be more tolerant of Julie indicates to me that you have the biggest issue with her. You claim this is about preserving everyone’s relationship with Kent, but that explanation seems more like a thinly veiled attempt to deflect from the fact that this is really an issue between you and Julie. I’m curious why that is – is she your fiancé’s ex or did they hook up at some point or is it something else?

    Whatever it is, I agree with Wendy’s advice.

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  • avatar

    Sarah June 23, 2011, 9:09 am

    Honestly, I don’t think she’s the only one who loves drama. Act a little bit more like a grown-up, and don’t presume to speak for your entire social circle. (Very elementary school: “None of us even LIKES you.”) Given that no one else is “stepping up,” it might be that you’re actually the one with the biggest issue with her.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph June 23, 2011, 9:55 am

      Amazing how many adults never grew out of middle school. Is this a plot line for that show “Secret Life of the American Teenager?”

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        kerrycontrary June 23, 2011, 10:23 am

        Yeh…this really reminds me of middle school. “We are holding a sleepover at Lindsey’s house, but we don’t want Mindy to come, but she already knows about the sleepover”

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      • avatar

        LTC039 June 23, 2011, 9:59 am

        That show is my guilty pleasure…Sad, but true…

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        honeybeenicki June 23, 2011, 11:02 am

        Haha I’ve seen a few episodes. Personally, my guilty pleasures are Pretty Little Liars and Gilmore Girls

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        LTC039 June 23, 2011, 11:10 am

        Gilmore Girls is the #1 for me. I’ve watched it since it began airing. Seen every single episode a cajillion x’s, but still love it everytime. haha I really hope they do a movie on it like the rumors are saying.

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      • avatar

        dobby June 23, 2011, 2:17 pm

        OMG I watch Pretty Little Liars too… I’m to ashamed about that to tell any of my friends. Total guilty pleasure for me!

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      • avatar

        Rachelgrace53 June 24, 2011, 1:38 am

        Why on earth would Gilmore Girls be a guilty pleasure? It was one of the best shows ever written…

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  • avatar

    SGMcG June 23, 2011, 9:11 am

    The only way I can think of to disinvite Julie to your fiancé’s birthday party as well as let her know that her presence is not welcome among your circle anymore is to have the party at Kent’s house. Yet are you sure that EVERYONE in your circle has the same opinion of Julie as you do? Julie probably wouldn’t be at S. house for so long if there aren’t a few people who DO like her, on some level. In any event, since the party is being held somewhere that is NOT your house, you can’t dictate who not to welcome in their residence or not, especially if Julie is currently crashing there. Move the venue, then let her know that it’s being moved because you do NOT want her there.

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  • avatar

    cdobbs June 23, 2011, 9:18 am

    ugh, is it just me or does the LW sound like a total bitch?

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  • avatar

    LTC039 June 23, 2011, 8:31 am

    Agree with Wendy 100%. If the residents of “S. House” haven’t told her to gtfo, you can’t either. Do the party elsewhere, or suck it up & deal with it.

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  • avatar

    artsygirl June 23, 2011, 9:38 am

    Tell us how you really feel about Julie…
    In all seriousness Wendy is completely correct. I suggest a change in venue and I would also say something to Julie such so she doesn’t show up at the party out of the blue which is a distinct possibility since all her friends are going and she is under the impression that she is invited. Something along the lines of “We invited Kent and are not comfortable with having you two in the same room because of the breakup”.

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  • avatar

    Dude with a Venti Iced Red-eye June 23, 2011, 9:38 am

    Oy…

    All I heard was:
    “…OMG Julie sucks and loves drama and I don’t. But I want to create drama though no one likes the drama but is tolerant of this drama queen and OMG my fiance hates her and (my cat hates her too) and she is a bore but really has a rough life and Kent this…”

    Get a hobby and live your life!

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    • avatar

      TheOtherMe June 23, 2011, 10:12 am

      Iced Venti Red-eye Guy, why did you change your screename ? 🙁

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        Dude with a Venti Iced Red-eye June 23, 2011, 10:49 am

        Hi, T.O.M., really wasn’t trying to pull a fast one on you, I swear… I “add” comments via BB and its bad at holding the required fields.
        Will do well to add a pic at some point and keep the name consistent 😉

        Hope your day is grand 🙂

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    spaceboy761 June 23, 2011, 10:03 am

    This sounds like a low-budget version of Real Housewives with realer boobs.

    Go to DearWendyBook.com now and place your bets on who throws what in drink in whom’s face! I played the parlay of Julie throwing a cranberry and vodka on anyone at 17:2, and a total over/under of 3.5.

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    • avatar

      TheOtherMe June 23, 2011, 10:08 am

      My suggestion would be that YOU send the nasty email to Julie letting her know that she’s not wanted at the party. You’re good at stuff like that and the LW won’t feel like a b*tch 😉

      k?

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      Addie Pray June 23, 2011, 10:19 am

      you mean “ril” boobs, or “riller” boobs, a la that creepy 16 year old who married that creepier 51 year old.

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      silver_dragon_girl June 23, 2011, 11:20 am

      Fun Fact: I actually went to DearWendyBook.com to make sure I hadn’t missed the start-up of an actual spin-off site 😉

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        spaceboy761 June 23, 2011, 11:24 am

        If I had half a brain, I would cybersquat that.

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        TheOtherMe June 23, 2011, 11:25 am

        hahah I typed too slow !!

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      • avatar

        TheOtherMe June 23, 2011, 11:25 am

        Now you just KNOW that someone’s gonna grab that Domain name in the next hour or so right ???

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    • avatar

      Sarah June 23, 2011, 6:47 pm

      OMG you totally watched the finale to Orange county, didn’t you?

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom June 23, 2011, 10:12 am

    As Wendy said you don’t own or rent S house so you have no control over who lives there or visits there. If you want to control who attends the party then you must choose a venue where you have control. Change the venue and invite the people you wish to invite and make sure Julie knows she isn’t included and try to do that in a nice manner.

    If you want to do a potluck but don’t have the space you could consider a public park. They are popular places where I live and have lots of pavilions, tables and grills. I think one of the favorite outdoor party places in this area is at the public beach at the lake. Your place or a restaurant are other options.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom June 23, 2011, 11:10 am

      Just rereading your letter and realized that it is a joint birthday party. You must realize that your fiance’s best friend is allowed to invite whomever he wishes to his own birthday party and if he invites Julie then she will be invited. That is one of the downsides of having a joint party, you don’t have exclusive control of the guest list. I think you, and your fiance, must begin by talking with your fiance’s best friend and discuss who will and won’t be invited to their party and then talk venue. If the best friend wants to invite Julie you will either have Julie at a joint party or have separate parties.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph June 23, 2011, 11:14 am

      I agree with the intent of your advice (potluck is a great idea!) but I think its almost as hard to restrict her from a public park as from a house that isn’t yours.

      “What I can’t jog on this sidewalk that happens to go RIGHT by your party that I wasn’t invited too? Thats funny, because last I checked this was a free country and you’re not the boss of me!1!!!1!1!”

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary June 23, 2011, 10:20 am

    Yeh, I agree with Wendy to just avoid the drama and hold the birthday party somewhere else. It is not your responsibility (nor your right) to kick this girl out of the house she is living in. If “S” is so bothered by her, he would’ve kicked her out already. I have personally been that bitch to confront someone in a group that no one likes, and guess what, it just makes you look like a bitch. There will still be people that like Julie and will side with her and agree that YOU are the bitch, not her. The only time it is appropriate to confront her is if she does something directly to you. Let the other people fight their own battles. And while this girl should be confronted about how she treated her boyfriend poorly, it should only come from Kent. In fact, it would be really mean if you blew up at this girl and didn’t invite her to a party just because she’s “a bore” and doesn’t have a great sense of humor. Yeh, I get annoyed by people who have no personality at all, but I’m not going to freak out on them for it. If this girl is really as horrible as she seems, just let her personality speak for herself and with time people in your social circle will stop inviting her to events, especially now that she’s not Kent’s gf.

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  • avatar

    2_J June 23, 2011, 11:44 am

    Can’t WAIT to see the “Update” on this one 🙂

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      Rachelgrace53 June 24, 2011, 1:42 am

      I have a feeling there won’t be one… It’s almost always the ones you want updates from the most that NEVER update.

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  • avatar

    El June 23, 2011, 12:07 pm

    LW-My guess is that your fiance is a grown man, correct? Unless this assumption is incorrect, you probably shouldn’t be fighting his battles for him. He’s not a 5-year-old, and you aren’t his mother.

    If he absolutely *hates* Julie as much as you claim he does, there should be no problem with him sitting down with his best friend and discussing his issues with the guest list. Have a little more faith in your fiance’s ability to handle his own problems.

    Bottom line…its neither your party nor your home. Stay out of it.

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  • caitie_didnt

    caitie_didn't June 23, 2011, 12:12 pm

    Somehow I get the impression that the only person in this circle of friends who *really* has a problem with Julia is the LW.

    I mean, what group of halfway decent people would put up with half the things the LW listed in this letter and then let the person perpetrating them crash at their house for a couple of weeks?

    I’d love to hear about this situation from the boyfriend’s perspective.

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  • avatar

    lk June 23, 2011, 12:15 pm

    I so wish I was invited to this party…

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      Rachelgrace53 June 24, 2011, 1:43 am

      Ditto.

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  • avatar

    Amber June 23, 2011, 1:23 pm

    It’s one lousy party. The LW can suck it up for one night.

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  • avatar

    AKchic June 23, 2011, 1:27 pm

    Yeesh.

    Don’t want drama? Don’t get involved in it. Period. Don’t have a joint party at the “S House”. She lives there, therefore she has a right to be there. If you want to control the guest list, make sure that both honorees of the party have given you their guest list so you know who is on the list (and you can’t drop one of the honorees just because he invites the girl). If you don’t want her at the party, have it at your house, and make it clear to the honoree who may invite her that you don’t want her there. If he chooses her over your party for him, well, that’s HIS choice. “You can pick your nose…”

    In the mean time, if you don’t like the girl, stop associating with her. Nobody is forcing you to. Don’t talk to her, don’t comment on her, act as if she is a vacuum in the universe. She doesn’t exist. If someone else brings her up, a simple “mm hmm, okay” is enough. Then change the subject. No juvenile gossip or bitching.

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  • avatar

    haggith June 23, 2011, 1:53 pm

    very interesting: lw bitches about julie throughout the whole letter saying how much of a bitch she is, but she doesn’t want julie to think she’s a bitch too… are they gonna air this on tv or at least put the video on youtube?

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  • avatar

    jessielyn June 23, 2011, 2:12 pm

    Anyone else thinking that the residents of S House don’t hate Julie as much as LW thinks they do? If I had a roommate I truly couldn’t stand, I would damn well be making plans not to live with her anymore.

    And ditto all PP who say that it is her house, and there is no way you can bar her from a party there.

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  • avatar

    dobby June 23, 2011, 3:16 pm

    Ugh I’ve had to be in social situations with people I can’t stand and who I know don’t like me. I just kill ’em with kindness – be so freaking nice that they wonder what the hell you are up to, then they spend their time trying figure it out and flush out your “plan” from other acquaintances. It’s the best way to get back at them – let them dig their own hole based on their own insecurities and need for drama.

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    • avatar

      AKchic June 23, 2011, 5:21 pm

      You must go to a lot of my family’s holiday get togethers.

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  • avatar

    Temperance July 3, 2011, 2:38 pm

    Interestingly enough, I’m dealing with something similar in my circle, and I’m in LW’s position.

    One of the other girls that we hung out with was super conniving and was cheating on her boyfriend with 2 of our other male friends while simultaneously picking up guys in bars. (As a backstory, one of the guys knew she was with her boyfriend, and the other one thought she had broken up with him and wanted to start a relationship with him.) I was irate with her for being so skanky and playing them that I started being nasty to her after it came to light. Well, apparently, long story short, the male members of my group felt that the situation should have only involved her and them, and one of them let me know this past weekend that they were pretty pissed at me for my actions because they reached an agreement about her privately. Not that I can’t be angry with her or avoid her (because she is an awful person, after all), but the shit she pulled with them only involves them. I was mortified and cried after the conversation, but I advise OP to just avoid the chick, don’t gossip about her, and live and let live. Easier said than done, I know, but getting called out on being a drama queen was so hurtful and embarrassing. At least I know that once my friend called me and let me know, he felt his job was done and he’ll let it go. It’s going to be a lot harder for me to move on from what he said. OP, I do not wish this on you.

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