“I Don’t Want This Woman at My Fiancé’s Birthday Party!”
My fiancé and my social circle is very close, hosting potlucks every weekend and celebrating most parties at a house that we call “S House,” for anonymity’s sake. Well, a couple in our group — Julie and Kent —recently went through a very nasty breakup. Julie has always been very demeaning of Kent, treating him like a dog, using him for what little money he has, cheating on him and the like. Everyone in our group has tried to sit down with Kent at one point to try to talk some sense into him – he deserves much better than Julie. Besides all that, Julie is morally corrupt (she’ll screw over or manipulate anyone anytime for her own gain), a complete bore and no one enjoys her presence at our get-togethers. She acts like she is better and smarter than everyone, doesn’t understand humor (and therefore always creates an awkward silence when she ruins a joke), and LOVES drama. She has spread malicious lies about everyone in our collective group; I suppose she does it because she enjoys being the “puppet master” and ruining relationships. Most people, at this point, just don’t talk to her and roll their eyes when she gets started on the newest round of BS gossip. The reason why I’m writing to you now is that now that Julie has been kicked out of Kent’s house, and has been crashing at my fiancé’s best friend’s house, “S House. For the last several months we have been planning on having my fiancé’s and his best friend’s birthday party (they share the same b-day) later this month, at “S House.” She has already made it clear that she thinks she’s invited to the party, despite my fiancé HATING her. No one who lives in “S House” is willing to step up to the plate and tell Julie to GTFO, that she isn’t welcome anymore and that her persistence for sticking around is making it difficult for us to maintain a relationship with Kent, who everybody loves and prefers to have at the parties (he refuses to go if she’ll be there). I have a feeling that I’m the only one with enough balls to confront this girl and tell her like it is… but I don’t want to be a bitch to her, since she is going through a hard time, but I also don’t want to be a push-over and let her walk all over me and everyone else. What can I say or do to convince this girl that she needs to find new friends and leave us alone? — Social Circle Politics
If you’re throwing the birthday party at a place where you don’t pay the rent or mortgage, deciding whom to allow there is kind of out of your hands, particularly if the people who do pay the rent or mortgage there have no interest in forbidding particular house guests from attending the party. If you don’t want Julie to be at your fiance’s party and you want to make sure Kent is there, it seems you need to find a different place to hold the party. Your house, for example, would be one suggestion, or renting space or a room in a restaurant or bar. Maybe if your mutual friends see that Julie’s presence is so terrible that you’d actually throw a party somewhere besides S House, they’ll understand the gravity of the situation and tell her to get her own place. Other than that, I really can’t see where it’s your place to tell Julie to move out of a home you don’t live in simply because you want to have a party there. If she were crashing at your place, of course it would be different. But she isn’t, so there’s not much you can do.
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