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“I Had a Threesome and Now I’m Pregnant”

While I’m spending some time with Baby Jackson, I’ll be posting an occasional re-run column. This one originally ran on March 11th.

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss a threesome pregnancy, starting a relationship with a deployment-bound guy, and how to deal with nosy busy-bodies who can’t stop playing matchmaker.

A few of weeks ago I had a threesome with a couple I’m friends with. We are all 20 years old and for the guy’s birthday we gave him a threesome. I took the morning after pill when I woke up but I guess it didn’t work because I just found out that I’m pregnant. I know that I’m going to get an abortion but should I tell the father? I don’t want this to ruin his relationship or make things bad between any of us. What do I do? I am very scared of what this will do to all of our friendships. — Terrified and Pregnant


Since I have answered variations of your question before, I will direct you to those columns here, here, and here, and hope those replies help you reach a decision. I also urge you to get tested for STDs as it’s obvious that if you were using protection, it didn’t do its job in at least one regard.

I recently met an amazing guy. He’s intelligent and funny, we have a lot in common, we’re sexually compatible, and we have a lot of fun together. The only problem is that he is deploying in May for a year — and he has a dangerous combat job. According to our mutual friend (the one who introduced us), he’s not interested in a relationship right now due to his impending deployment, which makes sense. We have been spending a lot of time together and I am starting to develop feelings for him. I told him before things got physical that I wasn’t interested in casual sex, and that if we did get involved in that way, I’d likely end up having feelings for him. I am also wary of having a serious/committed relationship with him specifically right now because of his deployment, but I don’t want to miss out on something amazing. How should I proceed in this situation? — Deployment Bound


The fact that you just met him and aren’t even in a place where you feel comfortable broaching the topic of relationships with him, and are instead getting information about him from a second hand source, is a pretty good indicator you won’t be ready in two months for the sacrifices needed to maintain a committed relationship with someone deployed in combat for a year. Save yourself a year of turmoil and back off now. If you guys are meant to be, you can explore a relationship when he comes home.

I just recently turned 21, and have never really had a boyfriend or have ever been in love for that matter. I’ve been on dates, but now that I am close to finishing college, I feel obligated to settle down. My parents had been married two years by the time they were my age. Everyone I know is trying to set me up — some of my friends even make jokes that I am their only single friend, which makes me feel like the black sheep. I am actually okay being single for right now; I just want to focus on finishing school and having fun, but a lot of people feel the need to tell me that my clock is ticking. My Mom even suggested that I start going on dating sites! I know that I will eventually find someone, but when they talk like this it makes me feel like it won’t happen. How do I tell the people I love to stop with the matchmaking skills and let me live my own life? — OK Being Single


I’d suggest saying something along the lines of this: “I think it’s really great that you found someone at a young age and are really happy with your decision, but I look at your life and know it’s not what I want for myself right now. With all due respect, I’m not ready to trade in what I’ve got for what you’ve got, and I hope you can respect my life choices as much as I’ve shown respect for yours.”

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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{ 154 comments… add one }

avatar Laurel March 11, 2011, 9:12 am

Can I just add that the idea of “giving” a threesome for a birthday gift really disgusts me?

avatar MissDre March 11, 2011, 9:38 am

As much as WE might feel this way, we shouldn’t judge. We’ve all done things in our lives that we realized a little too late were bad ideas. She’s dealing with the consequences now and needs our support (even if it’s only online support….)

avatar Laurel March 11, 2011, 9:54 am

Yeah, you’re right on that. There’s no undoing what’s been done and I wish her good health and a strong recovery.

It’s just that it makes me shake my head the way that these two young women have so internalized the idea that sex is just something you “give” to a man like any other commodity. I’m not railing against threesomes if it is something all parties want to do because of mutual attraction, desire, curiosity, etc and are all active players. It just really rubs me the wrong way…I mean? “so what’s the best birthday present you ever got?” “sex with my girlfriend and her female bestie”? I think it gives the impression to this young man that sex is something women do *for* him, that it’s a commodity.

avatar MissDre March 11, 2011, 10:03 am

Yeah, I understand what you mean. They are just 20 years old… at that age I was also among the many girls who gave up sex just to please a guy. A lot of girls feel pressured to make sure their man is satisfied, so he won’t be tempted to cheat. It’s kind of sad.

avatar Laurel March 11, 2011, 10:05 am

Agreed.

fast eddie fast eddie March 11, 2011, 10:56 am

Perhaps it was just her choice of words about gifting him with sex. She apparently consented to this evening of adventure for her own reasons. Thankfully she can have a legal and safe abortion. I don’t get all the comments about sex being a commodity, but that may be my male perspective which is somewhat restricted.

avatar convexed March 11, 2011, 12:40 pm

I think it’s the notion in our culture that among straight people, men bring the demand and women have the supply. When we see magazine articles directed at women, we often encounter the position that the way women attract and keep men is by cultivating and maintaining sexually attractive/available bodies. So, sex and sexuality are the commodity by which women are understood to secure the affection, ongoing interest, and attention of men. The obvious problem with this line of thinking is that it assumes women have less of a physical drive for sex and instead use sex strategically to aquire status, security, or relationships. This view is a disservice to the complexity of women’s sexuality and diverse natures. It also assumes that straight men can be controlled by manipulating their sexual impulses, which is reductive to men and the variation of their experiences and characters.
The idea of sex as a ‘gift’ implies the woman benefits from the act of giving, rather than the sexual act itself, whereas sex should be enthusiastically collaborated upon by all partners, who share in the experience on similar levels and engage for similar reasons. Does that make sense?

avatar convexed March 11, 2011, 12:45 pm

I also have noticed that in many of your comments, fast eddy, you disclaim your point of view as ‘a male perspective’, or ‘a guy’s point of view’. You don’t speak for all men, nor is your point of view only informed by your maleness. Instead, your perspective is your own unique perspective, and has been formed in part from your experiences in this world as a man, but also, your history and ideas are not identical to or fully representative of the multitude of perspectives that men have because of their personal beliefs, relationship background, age, culture, race, class, and other identity factors. Not nitpicking, just saying…

fast eddie fast eddie March 11, 2011, 1:43 pm

Your right Conv. but not every reader pays as much attention to details as you do. Thanks for pointing it out. I’ll refrain from doing that in future posts. After giving your reply some thought I looked at my pic and it’s completely obvious that I’m an older male.

What’s not so obvious is that I’ve got a fat gut. LOL

avatar Renee October 14, 2011, 8:19 am

I agree to much, but I don’t like seeing sex reduced always to the give & take. Sex can and has been distorted to this level. We probably disagree how that is achieved though.

No personal judgment, but sometime in the future I think a man needs to know. First he is gifted with sex, then he is gifted with blissful ignorance? Why do women carry this burden to make men happy, she didn’t get pregnant on her own.

avatar Beckaleigh March 11, 2011, 9:52 am

I agree MissDre, we shouldn’t judge. Wendy hit the nail on the head with getting tested for STDs. If you are going to do something like LW1 did, you need to be super careful. LW1 needs to make sure that this pregnancy came from the threesome before she decides whether to tell the other participants though. Not assuming anything about her behavior, but if it just happened a few weeks ago and she just found out she’s pregnant, the timing may not add up.

avatar camille905 March 11, 2011, 10:14 am

As much as the idea of “giving” him a threesome may disgust you (which is your own issue to deal with), please also consider this- maybe this guy had shared with his girlfriend that a threesome was one of his fantasies and in the interest of maintaining a healthy relationship where he felt he could share things with her, she decided to fulfill one of his fantasies. There is nothing wrong that. How do we know he hasn’t fulfilled some fantasy of hers? It’s not as if the LW was coerced into the situation since she was the third.
They were attempting to be responsible and it didn’t work. Nothing is 100% except not having sex. If they were older would people be so disgusted/disappointed?

avatar Jess March 11, 2011, 10:28 am

It’s the idea of “giving” the fantasy as a present, not the act of doing it that is bothering her I think.

I don’t really agree, I think its more harmless than making sex a commodity (although the idea of prostitution doesn’t bother me anyway) and the girlfriend would fulfill the fantasy eventually anyway even if she didn’t have a reason/occasion. I mean, most likely all 3 of them were interested in having a threesome and the birthday is the chosen occasion that sparked it. An excuse to make it happen, really.

avatar MissDre March 11, 2011, 10:37 am

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it at all if all parties are mutually excited/interested by it. It’s just that I know how girls (some, not all) can think.

I was friends with a guy who got engaged at a very young age, like 21. He was conflicted about getting married, because he’d never been with any other girls except his fiance. So that made her feel pressured to satisfy him. She tried to “give” him a threesome because she was afraid that he would regret not having been with other girls, or that he might cheat, or leave her. So his fiance gets this other girl in the room, but freaked out and couldn’t go through with it.

I am not trying to paint everyone with the same brush, I know we are all different and I certainly don’t know the couple in this situation. But having been an insecure girl who gave up sex as a way to please a guy, and knowing other girls who have done the same, I just hope that the threesome didn’t happen for the wrong reasons.

avatar jena March 15, 2011, 10:13 am

It’s said that it was between friends and that “we gave THE GUY” not “my boyfriend.”

So, even as much a proponent of casual sex/do what you want with your life as I am, giving a threesome to “a guy” for his birthday is a bit weird to me.

And like Wendy said, that girl needs to get tested.

avatar jena March 15, 2011, 10:17 am

errr i can’t read. i didnt see that it was “the couple” i’m friends with.

bittergaymark bittergaymark October 14, 2011, 6:14 pm

For that matter, how do ANY of you know that the Girlfriend wasn’t just as excited about this threesome as her Boy Friend? Seriously, so many of you seem so sex negative that you simply assume the poor Girlfriend was gagging her way through the entire evening… Like she was so hopelessly put upon. That very likely is not even remotely true… So, please, seriously, stop pinning all of your own hang ups on to other people.

If you wouldn’t have a threeway, hey, that’s all well and good. That’s your choice and your decision. But there is no need for you to project your own personal qualms about having one onto the LW’s best friend and assume that she normally would feel just as disgusted as you would about having a threesome, but felt so desperate to keep her man or to please her man that she simply forced herself to go through with it.

Not all women are victims. Just because some don’t follow your standard rules or strict code of morality is no reason to assume that they are victims of society that forces them to have sex with people they don’t want to. Seriously…

avatar cmarie March 11, 2011, 11:14 am

There’s nothing wrong with “giving” sex as a gift. How many women give their boyfriend or husband birhtday BJ’s? How many of us give sex if he does the dishes? Prostitution aside, many people are already using sex as a way of rewarding a partner, or making a special day even more special. All 3 were consenting adults who probably all enjoyed it so why judge? It’s not disgusting, it’s not unnatural, and just because you wouldn’t do it doesn’t make it wrong. The only person that belongs in a consenting adult’s bed are those she invites, not those who want to judge.

avatar MissDre March 11, 2011, 11:25 am

You’re very right, there’s nothing wrong with giving sex. People do it all the time and it is perfectly ok. And please don’t misunderstand me, I am certainly not judging her. I’ve done the whole threesome thing too, so for me to judge her would be the pot calling the kettle black.

My only concern (just in general, not directed at the letter above) is girls “giving” sex because they are in a place of insecurity. It hurts me to think of other girls being in the situations that I put myself in when I was younger. Giving up sex to guy even though I didn’t really want to do it, just because I wanted him to like me. Participating in a threesome because I didn’t know how to speak up and say no. Doing things in bed that I thought a guy would like (even though they made me uncomfortable) just because I was afraid he’d leave me for another girl if I didn’t. Having sex even if it hurt because, again, I was desperately seeking approval.

I just really hope that these girls have never put themselves in any of these kinds of situations. I hope that they are happy and healthy, and that they love themselves, and that they are giving sex because they genuinely want to, not because they feel they must.

Skyblossom Skyblossom March 11, 2011, 2:04 pm

It does hurt to watch young women who are so smart and competent in school and at work be so insecure in relationships. I’ve been helping my daughter stand up to a forceful friend who really is a nice girl but who does try to demand that her friends do just what she wants when she wants. I’ve told my daughter it’s always okay to turn someone down when you don’t want to do what they want you to do and I’ve seen her more and more forcefully saying no to her friend. I was only thinking of this in context of peer pressure but am realizing that this will also help her stand up for herself with men. We so much must help our daughters and sons stick up for themselves.

avatar MissDre March 11, 2011, 2:41 pm

I’m happy to hear that you are teaching your daughter to stand up for herself. It was not something I learned until just within the past 2 years, and I’m still working on it. I’m sure she’s a super smart young lady and she’s lucky to have a mom like you :)

Skyblossom Skyblossom March 11, 2011, 3:43 pm

I really didn’t have anyone help me to stick up for myself and so I too was slow to learn it. I finally found that it really is easy to say no, you just say it and the reaction I usually anticipated receiving usually wasn’t there. It was all in my head.

avatar Jess March 11, 2011, 11:44 am

I dont know, I think it’s kinda of insulting to give someone something as a gift that you ideally would be doing out of mutual enjoyment. I mean, aren’t sex and oral sex and kinky stuff supposed to be something couples enjoy doing together all the time?

but than again, people go out to restaurants all the time and that is a common birthday gift too so I guess it’s more like that than “I will make the sacrifice of having sex with you but ONLY because it’s your birthday”

avatar cmarie March 11, 2011, 12:50 pm

I agree that women shouldn’t have sex, any kind of sex, if that’s not what they want and that’s not what they enjoy. The facts are, sex is supposed to be enjoyable to all parties but sometimes you do stuff because your partner enjoys it more than you do. I know so many women who hate giving a guy oral sex but continue to do so because he enjoys it. It’s not like he’s asking her to kill a goat to get him off and just because she may not be completely into doesn’t mean she’s being taken advantage of either. For that matter, how many women insist that their guy give her oral sex even though he might not enjoy it like she does. I see nothing wrong with giving a little extra to make someone feel good. Couples should enjoy sex together all the time but sometimes you’re not in the mood. How many of us have had sex even though we’re not really in a sexy mood because our partner needs it. Very few couples always want sex at the same time, all the time. If we take the possibility that the girlfriend was bullied into it away we’re left with 3 consenting adults who had sex. The girlfriend may have “given” the threesome as a gift but that doesn’t mean she didn’t enjoy the experience. Aside from not good relationships, very few women will participate in an act that they’re not comfortable doing. Dan Savage says that oral sex should come standard and I agree, but that doesn’t mean I’m particularly fond of it. Threesomes on the other hand take a lot more effort and committment. My understanding of the situation was that the BF had a fantasy and the GF was into it enough to satisfy it. If I absolutely don’t want to have a threesome, no matter how much my partner may want it I won’t do it. I’m not saying there might be extenuating circumstances but based on what little info the LW provided, it seemed like everyone had a good time and no one got hurt, expecially considering that she’s concerned about maintaining the friendship.

avatar ReginaRey March 11, 2011, 12:59 pm

No one got hurt?…except the LW who is now pregnant and terrified. She definitely got hurt, and I would imagine this situation could also very much “hurt” the relationship between the other couple.

avatar cmarie March 11, 2011, 1:45 pm

Having sex comes with risks and one of those risks is pregnancy. The LW def knew that because she took the morning after pill. If you get pregnant from having consensual sex nobody is getting hurt. Guess what, that’s how babies are made! The couple knows the risks too so I don’t see how this could hurt their relationship. It’s not like she got pregnant on purpose or he got her pregnant on purpose. It’s the natural consequence of having sexual intercourse. If getting pregnant hurts you then don’t have sex. It’s really quite simple. The LW and the couple went into this with their eyes wide open to what could happen. An unexpected pregnancy can be terrifying but for pete’s sake take some responsibility. You don’t get to have sex knowing what could happen and when you find out you’re pregnant wail ‘woe is me’. Taking power of your sexuality also mean taking responsiblilty for it. Nobody got hurt! She got pregnant and she knew that it was possible.

avatar cmarie March 11, 2011, 1:48 pm

They had unprotected sex I might add. The LW and the couple would have to be stupid or livng under a rock not to know they could get pregnant.

avatar Katie March 11, 2011, 2:15 pm

sure. no one got hurt but her BABY!!! the only innocent one is the only one getting hurt.

avatar Anne October 25, 2011, 7:37 am

Katie’s right. The one getting hurt (lethally so) is the baby.

I don’t suppose the young lady could give it up for adoption? … kinda like Steve Jobs’ young unmarried mother did?

avatar AKchic October 14, 2011, 1:31 pm

I can understand what you’re saying, but at the same time haven’t we as a society pushed the whole “sex is a gift” shpiel on females from a young age in order to get them to save themselves for marriage? Unfortunately, it’s become twisted and perverted into thinking that yes, sex is a gift, but a gift reserved for rewards of a job well done, good behavior, birthday milestones, holiday gifts, etc.

Something tells me that the threesome in question was a spur of the moment, and drunken idea. Hence the lack of planning, probably lack of protection as well. Any decent threesome would be packing multiple condoms (you don’t double dip with a condom unless everyone has had an STD screen within the last week and there has been no sex outside of the three involved members).

A threesome (or more) isn’t inherently wrong. It just all depends on your comfort levels, and on how you feel about the idea. If you don’t want to do it, then don’t. No harm, no foul, no judgement. It’s not for everyone. Going into a group sexual encounter requires an open mind, a lack of jealousy, and a creative spirit, among other things.

Since this was posted originally in March, I would assume that this has already been taken care of – one way or another. Either she is ready to deliver a baby, has delivered recently, or has long since had an abortion. If she had the abortion, I hope she had adequate support services to help her through the aftermath of such, and that she is doing well.

CatsMeow CatsMeow October 14, 2011, 2:08 pm

God point about virginity as a gift. That’s a really common attitude that’s taught, but I didn’t think about it in this context

avatar Erica March 11, 2011, 9:35 am

lw3, your family and friends seem a little insane, to me. when i turned 21 i was just having a blast and living my life, not looking for a husband or even a relationship, and i was extremely happy. if people had told me that i needed to seriously think about settling down and finding someone, i would have been horribly offended. you’re 21! just because your parents (and mine!) got married and started having babies in their fresh 20s, doesn’t mean you have to. a lot of people nowadays don’t even get married until they’re 30 or 40. if i were you i’d very curtly tell my friends and family to get over it. 21 is wicked young, that’s all they need to realize.

avatar WatersEdge March 11, 2011, 9:53 am

aaa-greed. 21 is VERY young to settle down in most cases (although it works for some). go get some single friends!

avatar Beckaleigh March 11, 2011, 9:57 am

I agree completely. At 21, I was married with 2 kids and I often look back and wish that I had waited so that I could actually be a 21 year old! LW3 has the right idea though. She knows what she wants – to live her life – and she shouldn’t feel bad about telling people to butt out.

avatar Jess March 11, 2011, 10:31 am

Yea, it almost seems like her family wants to “keep her down” or keep her like them. Like if she doesn’t choose their same path it’s because she thinks she’s better than them. They are possibly intimidated by the idea of her waiting and being independent because usually the stereotype of someone who settles down really young is that they are less educated, less worldly, and less ambitious, and people who wait are more educated, more cultured, more successful, etc. Than again, this is just marriage/kids. Her friends probably just want her to have a boyfriend so they have shared experiences to talk about/go on double dates, etc. Plus being in love is great and they want her to experience it too!

Thus I think she should somewhat follow Wendy’s advice, but maybe make it sound a little kinder. Maybe like, “Oh but mom you were so much more charming with the boys when you were 18, I’m just a late bloomer.” Because I think it’s pretty clear in this day and age that it’s not like the most desirable partners are all getting married as soon as possible, and that everyone over the age of 23 is the leftovers! I think its more like the desirable partners know they can afford to wait and be picky.

avatar HmC March 11, 2011, 10:50 am

I agree! As I read LW3′s letter, I got the impression that there were maybe some cultural/generational differences going on there. Pressuring someone towards marriage at 21 just sounds insane to me.

avatar maynard March 11, 2011, 11:06 am

This is what I thought. I think there are some cultural factors in play here

Heather Heather March 11, 2011, 11:37 am

I absolutely agree. I got irritated just reading the letter. 21 is EXTREMELY young, for pete’s sake, she just turned old enough to be able to actually go to the bar.

I know it seems rude, but you should tell your family and friends to shove it. Ok, maybe not exactly that way. But you do need to put your foot down. Especially if you enjoy being single. Don’t be passive aggressive about it, just let them know that you enjoy being single and that’s no one’s business but yours.

avatar SherBear400 March 11, 2011, 10:36 am

LW3 – I am 26 and have never been in love nor am I seeking that any time soon! My parents were 22 (dad) and 25 (mom) when they got married but back in the 70s my mom felt like an old maid at 25(!) She tries to cast some of her insecurities from her early 20s onto me but I just don’t have the same worries as her. There is also a (probably large) part of her that is jealous that while she was focused on marriage and children in her 20s I’m out and about having fun with my friends (she always comments about what an active social life I have – I live in a very large city surrounded by other late 20s singles), traveling (Costa Rica in 4 weeks and planning to go to Spain next Sept with a couple girlfriends) and just in general living my life the way I want to. But I keep her informed on my life and my goals and dreams – Moms will always dream of you finding a husband and having grandchildren (for them) but that doesn’t mean you need feel the pressure. The last time my mom mentioned grandchildren I asked her if she would volunteer to watch them for a week while I traveled, she said no I would rather go to Europe. I was like me too, which is why you won’t be having grandchildren anytime soon :-) I also comment (constantly) on how expensive children are, especially in the city I live in. In the end my mom would rather have a happy daughter than a stressed/depressed/broke daughter with the token grandchild.

avatar grumdrig March 11, 2011, 10:41 am

So you had a threesome, got pregnant, decided already to get an abortion, and your primary concern is how this will effect your “friendship” with your threesome pals? The fact that you are literally going to go kill a baby and have it thrown in the trash doesn’t bother you? Maybe its not “feminist” or whatever but I think you have some sort of personality disorder. Have fun at your next orgy.

avatar MissDre March 11, 2011, 10:47 am

It’s perfectly ok to state your beliefs but it’s really unfair of you to say she has a personality disorder just because her beliefs differ from yours. We’re all here to support one another, not trash talk.

avatar Jess March 11, 2011, 11:47 am

you should know that the more people understand biology and how babies develop in the womb *in general* (not as a rule) the less they agree with your opinion.

avatar Katie March 11, 2011, 2:09 pm

the heart starts beating at 6 weeks. hows that for biology

avatar Jess March 11, 2011, 3:35 pm

its also identical to that of a dog, or elephant :/

avatar Jess March 11, 2011, 3:37 pm

“it” being the entire fetus, not just the heart, which is actually just an electrical impulse that goes through the entire fetus

avatar Lor October 25, 2011, 7:17 am

So you’re ok with animal abuse, then? We rightly excoriate people who euthanize pets because they can’t be bothered to care for them. That nascent human life would get less consideration than a pet seems irrational and repugnant.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not “judging” anyone. Well, that’s not true: As a society, we have let these three young people down. We have not taught them how to act properly by example or otherwise, and we have not given them good advice when they have asked for it.

avatar Katie March 11, 2011, 3:53 pm

we sadly I can see not all mothers wish to be good mothers. even if she has her child killed she will still be a mom… just a really really crummy one

avatar twiglet October 14, 2011, 11:34 am

oh judging much? how on earth can you know what sort of mother she would be? It sounds like she is well aware of the responsibilities of motherhood and wants to wait until she is ready and able to take care of a child. This planet is overpopulated, none of us is duty-bound to have every possible child conceived. Many approved birth control methods (copper coil) stop pregnancies by preventing fertilised eggs from embedding- do women with coils elicit the same disgust from you?

bittergaymark bittergaymark October 14, 2011, 3:26 pm

Wow, I get called a bully on here all the time lately, and it’s funny, but I’ve NEVER treaded so close to the line as calling somebody a murderer, but whatever. I guess since you believe in Jesus all the highbrow moralists on here are inclined to give you a pass… Oh, and I suppose it helps that they all view the LW as a wanton slut so she deserves to be treated so shabbily by her sisters…

avatar splashes October 14, 2011, 3:47 pm

I don’t know if I would take the lack of responses to her as people giving Katie a pass. I’m personally having a bit of an internal battle between calling her out on her self-righteousness and demonstrating the respectful and thoughtful responses Wendy tries to cultivate on here.

Needless to say Katie obviously is young and has not yet learned how to be RESPECTFUL of other people’s legally allowed decisions and actions, whether or not she personally agrees with them.

avatar Flake October 14, 2011, 3:54 pm

Actually, most young people I know are pretty liberal this way, maybe because they are in that “at high risk of screwing up” category. The women that shove their opinions down your throat tend to be older, but unfortunately, not wiser.

avatar splashes October 14, 2011, 4:00 pm

Hmm, interesting point taken. Maybe the age isn’t the correct categorization of the self-righteousness. I suppose it could just be blamed on the individual =P

CatsMeow CatsMeow October 14, 2011, 5:54 pm

She’s not getting a pass, it’s just useless to argue with hardheaded pro-choicers who refuse to acknowledge any opinion other than their own, and frustrating that there has to be an abortion debate every time the word is mentioned on here. She’s not changing my mind, and I’m not going to change hers. OK KATIE WE GET IT. YOU DISAGREE WITH ABORTION. So don’t have one!

And I don’t think LW1 is a slut, just kind of…stupid. If a condom broke, then it’s not entirely her fault, but I’m gathering that there wasn’t any type of barrier method involved in this tryst. YOU’RE usually the one to go on the birth control rant. Are you just giving her a pass because she chose to have an abortion?

bittergaymark bittergaymark October 14, 2011, 6:05 pm

I don’t think she’s a slut either. It would have been awesome of her to use a condom, but maybe she thought that Plan B was such a sure thing. Frankly, as Plan B is of precious little use to me, I really don’t know all that much about it. That said I did think it was usually VERY effective and can imagine that she might have thought the same.) But yes, if she doesn’t feel ready to have this child, then I applaud her for terminating the pregnancy, I really do. Honestly, I wish more people out there were at least THAT responsible…

avatar amber October 14, 2011, 6:17 pm

even when taken immediately it only prevents 7 out of 8 pregnancies. (you’re supposed to take within first 72 hours, not sure how the effectiveness decreseases during that 72 hours). so while it is very effective there is stil a chance it won’t work. i’m not sure how other medicines you’re taking effects it either. which is why it’s definitely important to ask your pharmacist/doctor before you use it!

bittergaymark bittergaymark October 14, 2011, 6:23 pm

Wow. Really? Only 7 out of 8. A failure rate of over 12 percent. Yikes… Okay, then, yes! That really is a roll of the dice that is not advisable to take in my opinion.

avatar amber October 14, 2011, 6:34 pm

nowhere near as high as i think most people think, although the sooner you take it after sex the higher the effectiveness is! i also think there is also a misconception that is similar to the ‘abortion pill’ but it’s not. if you’re already pregnant when you take it, the pregnancy will not be aborted because you take the pill. i just wish people who may use it would learn more about it before taking it, i feel like they don’t take the time to really learn how to use it in the most effective way.

CatsMeow CatsMeow October 14, 2011, 6:36 pm

I agree with her choice to terminate the pregnancy, if that’s what she wants. It’s probably what I’d do in that situation.

But yeah, I HOPE HOPE HOPE a condom was used because as was said below, it’s Plan B because there’s supposed to be a Plan A in place. I’m frustrated by her carelessness.

avatar Flake October 14, 2011, 3:39 pm

You know what, the day that not a single child that is ALREADY born is hungry or cold or abused, that will be the day that you can start caring about the ones that are not even born. How about providing support, financial and emotional, to help the parents of children and the kids that are already here.

bittergaymark bittergaymark October 14, 2011, 3:57 pm

So, so true. So very, very true.

avatar Flake October 14, 2011, 4:01 pm

Couple of days ago I watched a program about abandoned children in my country. I cried for an hour. And they are moving away from abortion in order to increase the population growth. The fact that 200 000 children are there and nobody gives a crap about them is lost on the politicians.

bittergaymark bittergaymark October 14, 2011, 7:46 pm

Where are you from? What program was this you were watching?

avatar Joshua October 25, 2011, 10:43 pm

Do you use the same argument with people who want to protect animals from being abused? “The day that not a single HUMAN is hungry or cold or abused, that will be the day that you can start caring about dogs and cats”? I hope not.

avatar jena March 15, 2011, 10:17 am

and if you removed it from the womb at six weeks it would die.

avatar Renee October 14, 2011, 8:32 am

Katie, I’m pro-life as it gets. Believe me it is frustrating to read LW1 letter, but I also know a lot of post-abortive women. This is a rerun, we can listen and learn to in the future prevent. I had the comprehensive secular version of sex-ed, and honestly the abstinence programs don’t hit the mark either. We need to learn ourselves and teach younger women, that sex is a commodity or a manipulation, in the equation another individual is alway there a child created from the sexual act. I don’t want to get all preachy, but we as women need to step back and with charity and reason, realize let’s make better choices before we get into bed, not wait til after we’re in it.
Renee

avatar Renee October 14, 2011, 8:36 am

Ummm… isn’t a commodity or manipulation. Argh!!!

avatar splashes October 14, 2011, 3:50 pm

Why is that up to “we as women” instead of we as PEOPLE? Why is it that “we need to…teach younger women” instead of teach young PEOPLE?

avatar Renee October 14, 2011, 4:56 pm

Believe me I want men to be equally interested in better choices, but it is us who get pregnant. To turn the tide we need to start changing it.

avatar WatersEdge March 11, 2011, 12:00 pm

It pisses me off when people who are not qualified to say so and have no idea what the words actually mean go around accusing other people of having a psychological disorder. Just to remind you, you are not an expert on psychological conditions (and yes- before you ask, I am). You don’t appear to be an expert on moral issues either- you are judgmental and unkind in a way that any good religious leader would frown upon. You will never make a difference in the world while resorting to these tactics.

And for the record, she’s not “literally going to go kill a baby”. She’s “literally going to go kill a fetus”. Even your use of the word “literally” is wrong.

avatar Lor October 25, 2011, 7:24 am

“Baby” is not a medical term. “Fetus” is. When a woman who has just had a miscarriage says, “I lost the baby”, we understand exactly what she means. She is not speaking metaphorically. She means it literally.

Furthermore, we understand that “babyhood” is not something that the mother has conferred upon her fetus by any special semantic power of her own, to be taken away if she so chooses, but a quality intrinsic to the being in the womb.

I do not contest her legal right to kill her baby in the womb. I only contest the sanitization of plain language to disguise that fact.

avatar sarolabelle March 11, 2011, 12:23 pm

While I don’t think the LW has a personality disorder I do think he priorities are not in line.

What I think she should do is sit the couple down. Tell them she is pregnant from the three-some. Tell them that she has decided to give the baby up for adoption because then at least the baby will have a good chance at life. Then say “I hope a year from now we are past this episode”. If they value your friendship they will suppor you.

Btw, LW…I don’t have one single friend still from when I was 20 and I didn’t have a threesome. Friend’s come and go but that baby deserves a life and there are many loving parents wishing to adopt.

avatar Jess March 11, 2011, 12:37 pm

I have many close friends from 20 and before. I think that is much more common than not. “Old friends are the best friends!” I wouldn’t dismiss friendship so easily as saying friends “come and go”

avatar plasticepoxy March 11, 2011, 1:36 pm

It seems to me that you’re giving unrelated advice. The LW has already decided on abortion. While your suggestion might be what works best for you Sarolabelle, what works best for this woman is an abortion, a decision she made for herself.

Perhaps this woman can’t afford the prenatal care it would take to carry a pregnancy to full term, or maybe her insurance doesn’t cover those types of visits (my insurance doesn’t cover prenatal care or birth associated costs, if I got pregnant before I changed my coverage, I think I’d have a VERY hard time getting even adequate care). Perhaps she’s a student and can’t continue with classes if she continues with the pregnancy.

I don’t think we should be addressing her decision to get an abortion. She didn’t ask for our opinions of her choice to get an abortion, she asked how she should present the issue to her friends, and if she should bring it up in the first place.

I think it’s a great idea to sit down with her friends and tell them what’s happened and what she’s decided, and then for her to ask for their support and tell them how she enjoys their friendship. I don’t think she should do it in a way that asks for their approval of her decision or puts her in the position of asking to keep their friendship.

I can’t even address the comment from grumdrig.

avatar Katie March 11, 2011, 2:06 pm

umm if she cant afford prenatal care how is she paying for an abortion? and if your answer is planned parenthood keep in mind that not only do they give free abortions… but they provide FREE prenatal care as well. sorry but not being able to afford prenatal care would be a rediculous reason to get an abortion.

avatar ReginaRey March 11, 2011, 3:09 pm

I believe that @plasticepoxy was trying to give one example of why someone in the LW’s position might choose to get an abortion. We will never know what the determining factor is, but it’s probably safe to say she doesn’t feel ready to be a mother or to even be pregnant. While she absolutely should have been smarter about contraception to avoid pregnancy altogether, @plasticepoxy is right – we should NOT be addressing her decision to get an abortion, nor should anyone be making her feel worse than she clearly does right now. People make mistakes, sometimes BIG mistakes like having unprotected sex and getting pregnant. It’s our job to provide her with varied viewpoints and support, not to push our own opinions down her throat.

avatar Katie March 11, 2011, 3:24 pm

im not trying to push opinions down anyons throat its just a fact that she plans on having her baby killed. she said it and put it out there in the letter for everyone to see. how can someone just read over that and not care that an innocent life is being disposed of like its an inconvenience?

avatar ReginaRey March 11, 2011, 3:31 pm

It’s certainly not that all of us “don’t care.” I’m sure there are many of us who wouldn’t personally choose to get an abortion, myself actually being one of them. But as of right now, it as a woman’s right to choose…and I think that is the ultimate reason that most DW commenters seem as if they “don’t care” – because they understand that regardless of our own feelings, we can’t tell her what to do.

avatar WatersEdge March 11, 2011, 4:41 pm

Yes, it’s easy to forget why abortion was made legal in the first place. People were dying from back alley abortions because they could not have a baby for one reason or another, or because the pregnancy was the result of rape or incest. I myself wouldn’t choose to get an abortion in most circumstances, and while it does sadden me to see someone fail to use contraception, sleep with multiple people, pop Plan B, and then get an abortion… that’s her right, and it’s her right for good reason. We don’t take away welfare because some people scam the system. We don’t take away 911 because some people call it to ask for the time. These laws and services are in place for a reason, and like Regina says, we can’t tell her what to do. I actually think that we shouldn’t tell her what to do. It’s her choice. You make yours, and she’ll make hers.

avatar Uyzie March 11, 2011, 5:16 pm

“We don’t take away welfare because some people scam the system. We don’t take away 911 because some people call it to ask for the time.”

That’s such a great way of saying it, WatersEdge! I don’t think I’ve ever heard such a convincing argument for why we need to protect freedom of choice.

avatar Marie October 14, 2011, 10:39 pm

Actually,it’s not a “fact” that she plans on having her baby “killed”.Not everyone believes abortion is murder.

avatar thyme March 11, 2011, 3:37 pm

Planned Parenthood does not give free abortions… it costs like $500. Not that that this thread is relevant to the LW’s actual question at all, but just saying.

avatar jena March 15, 2011, 10:19 am

Yeah, post-natal care costs more than an abortion and prenatal care combined. the average cost of a child is $10k per year.

AND learn how to spell RIDICULOUS if you want to call something ridiculous.

avatar splashes October 14, 2011, 3:51 pm

Prenatal care does not include the effect being pregnant would have on her life, OR hospital costs to actually have the baby, or time/wages lost from having time off of work. You have no idea of her life situation to be moralizing about her “wrong” decision.

bittergaymark bittergaymark October 14, 2011, 4:01 pm

Um, my sister just had a baby and trust me it is WAYYYYYYYYY more expensive than having an abortion. At least it was for her and she had solid insurance, too.

avatar MissDre March 11, 2011, 2:44 pm

Love this 100%!!!

avatar MissDre March 11, 2011, 2:45 pm

@plasticepoxy i mean… totally agree with you

avatar Katie March 11, 2011, 12:52 pm

thank you for saying it how I see it!!!!! the poor child :(

avatar LSS86 March 11, 2011, 7:12 pm

It’s not a child. It’s a fetus. The LW isn’t asking whether she should get an abortion or not. She’s getting an abortion. It’s her choice. Stop giving her unsolicited advice. I don’t go up to people who accidentally got pregnant and are choosing to give their child up for adoption and tell them they should get an abortion instead.

avatar kf October 14, 2011, 10:42 am

*Everything* a LW writes in about is ultimately their choice. I don’t see why “I’ve already decided to get an abortion” is any more out of bounds for discussion than “I’ve already decided to break up with him” or “I’ve already decided to cheat on him with my boss”.

avatar jena March 15, 2011, 10:15 am

I’m sure she will have fun at her next “orgy.”

Because one comment on the Internet is not going to change her ideals.

Thanks for playing.

avatar sarolabelle March 11, 2011, 10:43 am

I wish Three’s a Crowd would update us to let us know what happened….

avatar ReginaRey March 11, 2011, 10:46 am

LW # 3 – I agree with the commenters above. At 21, I had only had 1 boyfriend, and 1 fling. I’m a few years older now, and I am STILL nowhere near ready to settle down, even though I’ve been in a committed and loving relationship for 2 years. I’m not planning on “settling down” for a few more years, for sure! I want to enjoy my 20′s and my relationship without the serious responsibilities of making a marriage work, children, shared finances, etc.

21 does not equal “spinster.” You are young, clearly ambitious, and your clock is certainly not ticking. Keep having fun and enjoying your life. When you ARE ready to have a serious relationship with someone, please don’t feel pressured to marry the first person you love (as I’m concerned your family might pressure you to do…). Solid relationships are built on much more than love, though it’s the first step! Live your life the way YOU want to, as difficult as it may be in your family. Remember that as an adult, YOU are now the one who gets to decide what’s ultimately best for you.

avatar sarolabelle March 11, 2011, 10:59 am

I had my first kiss at 19 and hated it and said I wouldn’t kiss another guy until I was sure I liked him. And I didn’t kiss another guy until I was 23. And now I’m almost 30…and still not married.

avatar Naneenya March 11, 2011, 11:40 am

In reference to the last letter, I think that it may be an issue of location. I’m from the South but moved North after graduating from college. Many of my friends from home are engaged or married. What I found up here is that people wait much much longer to think about marriage. I’ve even had to let my mother know that it is perfectly acceptable to be 25 and not married.

Ultimately, don’t let anyone tell you what you SHOULD be doing. Do what is best for you. Everyone will be better off in the end. :)

avatar Leigh March 11, 2011, 11:57 am

My first thought was that she is probably from the south too. I’m the opposite of you, Naneenya, I am from the north but last year moved to the south. I’m 24. Back home, I never felt any pressure at all to get married or settle down anytime soon, and the thought of marriage in the next 5 years kind of freaks me out. Down here, people seem to think I’m too old to still be single and not worried about finding a husband asap. It’s strange to me.
Don’t let other people dictate what you do with your life, do what makes you happy!

avatar RoyalEagle0408 March 11, 2011, 8:12 pm

My first instinct is that it’s a location thing, but at 25 I’m going to multiple weddings and have friends planning to get engaged this year, so I think even up north there’s a lot of pressure.

CatsMeow CatsMeow October 14, 2011, 5:30 pm

I’m 29 and in the midwest; all of my closest friends are married, and now all of them are starting to get pregnant.

I’m single (involved, but unmarried) and childless and I wouldn’t have it any other way at this point in my life.

avatar AnitaBath March 11, 2011, 11:43 am

I think the thing that bothers me the most about the first letter is that it’s obvious they didn’t use protection and just used Plan B as a backup. It’s called Plan B because you’re supposed to have a Plan A!

avatar ReginaRey March 11, 2011, 11:57 am

If it isn’t too late, I nominate this for one-liner of the week. Your common sense prevails, AnitaBath!

avatar WatersEdge March 11, 2011, 12:03 pm

I agree! And yes, it was very irresponsible of this LW to have a threesome without protection and use Plan B.

avatar Maracuya March 11, 2011, 1:12 pm

I was just about to say this. No mention of a condom breaking. Pretty clear what happened.

Heather Heather March 11, 2011, 1:39 pm

If that’s the case, I definitely agree. Again, we don’t know exactly how she did it. But it would be really frustrating if her thought process was “We don’t need a condom because I can just take the morning after pill”.

avatar princesspetticoat March 11, 2011, 3:02 pm

Exactly!! Especially since the threesome was a “gift”. Gifts are not spur of the moment decisions.. they are usually at least somewhat planned. You would think they could have also planned adequate protection.

Heather Heather March 12, 2011, 10:41 am

agreed. i know this is probably extremely personal, but the reason i feel so strongly about it is because i had to take the morning after pill once. no i did not rely on it. the condom broke after the fact. it wasn’t a matter that we were being careless-that’s what plan b is for. FAILED BIRTH CONTROL.

i guess when they use that phrase, pulling out isn’t exactly what they had in mind.

bongo3 Jennifer March 11, 2011, 11:44 am

It sounds like you had planned for this threesome to take place since it was a birthday present. Perhaps a condom should have been thrown into the party planning??? I hope this situation works out for you and most of all I hope you learn from this lesson!

avatar princesspetticoat March 11, 2011, 3:04 pm

Ooops sorry! I just commented basically the same thing in reply to AB’s post before reading your post. Sorry, didn’t mean to be a copycat. Obviously I agree with you!

avatar Jess March 11, 2011, 11:48 am

Does anyone else think its weird that the guy “finished” with the 3rd party and not his girlfriend? Maybe I’m just a romantic haha but I think I would be offended if I was the girlfriend

avatar MissDre March 11, 2011, 11:50 am

LOL!!

avatar ReginaRey March 11, 2011, 11:59 am

You said exactly what I was thinking. Not sure what the rules are for threesome etiquette…lol!

avatar WatersEdge March 11, 2011, 12:06 pm

Also- I’d be so pissed off if I consented to a threesome and my boyfriend got another girl pregnant as a result. Yuck!

avatar Katie March 11, 2011, 2:11 pm

on a similar note.. I wouldnt date a guy who WANTED me to consent to a threesome YUCK!!

avatar AnitaBath March 11, 2011, 12:09 pm

I didn’t even think about that. Unless maybe he didn’t, which is why the LW thought she didn’t need protection, and she just figured she’d use Plan B to protect against any stray spermies in the pre-cum.

avatar Beckaleigh March 11, 2011, 12:37 pm

Or maybe her timing is off and its not even his kid? Not saying anything bad about the LW or her habits because I don’t know her and don’t want to assume. But if it happened a few weeks ago and she just found out she’s pregnant, it may not be his if she’s had other partners around the same time.

avatar plasticepoxy March 11, 2011, 1:38 pm

That’s very true.

avatar Uyzie March 11, 2011, 4:27 pm

Either way, in this day and age, with HPV and a whole host of other easy to catch STDs out there, there is NO REASON that I can think of to NOT use condoms during casual sex. (Before anyone jumps down my throat for the use of that term, I only used it because the LW made it clear that she’s not in a relationship with the guy, and this was just a one-time “gift”.)

Unless you’ve been tested, your partner has been tested, and you’re in a committed relationship, keep it wrapped up! There’s no reason to expose yourself needlessly.

avatar Uyzie March 11, 2011, 4:30 pm

(and by easy-to-catch, I mean STDs like HPV and HSV which can still be spread even if you’re being safe and using a condom.)

avatar LSS86 March 11, 2011, 7:15 pm

Haha, that’s EXACTLY what I was thinking!!

avatar RoyalEagle0408 March 11, 2011, 8:14 pm

Maybe it’s my lack of experience with sex, but isn’t it possible that he had sex with _both_ women? As in, his girlfriend could also be at risk for pregnancy. Either way, condoms, people, condoms.

bittergaymark bittergaymark October 14, 2011, 5:44 pm

I’m always railing about the lack of condom usage lately among LWs. And so, I gotta admit, I did find it a bit disappointing that they weren’t used for this threesome. To me, THAT would be a real nobrainer… I just really think people out there could all do to be a lot more careful…

avatar Kerrycontrary October 14, 2011, 1:57 pm

Yeh..I read an article, written by a man once, that stated that if you are going to have a threesome it’s better if no one is in a relationship at the time. AKA don’t have a threesome with your girlfriend. I guess it can just become too complicated and bring up all sorts of issues. I probably won’t ever find out though because the idea of a threesome doesn’t get my motor runnin

CatsMeow CatsMeow October 14, 2011, 5:32 pm

I was wondering the SAME THING. I would feel the same way!

avatar MissDre March 11, 2011, 11:49 am

LW1 asked if she should tell her friends… my opinion is that she should. They must be close friends if she was asked to participate in the threesome (or maybe they just thought she was kinky? I dunno). They all took part equally, so she should tell her friends so they can offer her support. True friends have your back during a hard time. I’m wishing her all the best and sending love her way.

Chicago-Dude T-minus 2Hrs to Happy Hour March 11, 2011, 12:02 pm

LW1 – Get tested. Consider telling the guys – if you did not use protection, it will scare them enough to make sure you all use proper protection on your next adventure.
Good luck & have fun.

LW2 – What Wendy said. Maybe you can work on exploring a friendship with our hero – he will certainly need all the support and letters and good thoughts. If anything, you’ll be doing your country a favor ;) – ps; this is not a push for support of the wars, but support of in this case, a troop member.

LW3 – Yea… chick, that sucks to be put under such pressure. You seem to have your head on straight; focussing on your education, yourself and your “fun”… I’m with Wendy on how to handle this.

Happy Friday, folks!

avatar Jess March 11, 2011, 12:41 pm

I don’t think I would tell the friends. I mean, *maybe* depending on the nature of the relationship. But if they are close friends I think its something that could be revealed at a later date. I think I would consider if I had been with anyone else and just convince myself it was probably the other guys baby.

I mean, that’s not the “best” or most mature thing to do… but honestly, that’s what I would do.

avatar Katie March 11, 2011, 12:50 pm

I met my boyfriend the week he was deploying to Iraq. I waited for him and we talked every day. When he came back on leave 7 months later we spent 2 amazing weeks together and made our relationship official before he returned to Iraq. He is done with his one year deployment next week and will be coming home. I am proud to say I have been loyal waiting for him for a year and I think we have a really solid foundation for a great relationship because of it. Bottom line is.. if you WANT to make it work you WILL make it work. It’s just up to you what you want.

avatar Amy March 11, 2011, 1:47 pm

That’s so sweet. Thanks to him for his service and I hope you guys have a wonderful time together while he’s home.

avatar WatersEdge March 11, 2011, 2:37 pm

It’s definitely possible. But so many military men come home to find their wives have taken their stuff, put the house into foreclosure, and given the pets to animal control. If they’re not sure that a relationship is what they want, then they shouldn’t do it in my opinion. Deployments are, as you and I both seem to know, very difficult. I think you both really have to be on board to make those work.

avatar RoyalEagle0408 March 11, 2011, 8:16 pm

It’s also about what the guy wants and if the mutual friend is right, then he doesn’t want a relationship. Wendy’s right that she needs to talk to the guy.

avatar Isabel March 14, 2011, 2:16 pm

Katie, it’s great that it worked in your case and I’m happy for you. I also sucesfully managed to stay 9 months away from my boyfriend, not due to deployment but travel. But just because it worked for us, it doesn’t mean it’s going to work for her as well, and giving the current scenario I think Wendy’s advice is sensible and wise. Wish you and the LW the best.

avatar Jess March 11, 2011, 1:31 pm

A perspective on the army guy:

I think a lot of times the guys want LDRs to have security, to have love from back home. Being deployed is kind of a miserable/scary experience at times and the support from homes makes it better.

But then once they get back they dont need/want that support anymore and they just want to be free and single and have fun. My best friend met a guy 2 weeks before he was deployed and faithfully sent him packages, letters, they were in constant online contact, he sent her gifts, talked about their future.. etc etc

than as soon as he got home that was it. done. kinda crappy for her.

avatar Katie March 11, 2011, 1:52 pm

well he must have realized she was nicer on the phone and in letters than she was in person! most deployed soldiers find its easier for them to be single while deployed because then they dont have to worry about anyone back home. it takes a lot of effort for them to maintain a relationship from that far away and in a warzone too. I dont think his intentions were bad. For him to put up the effort to have a relationship with her his entire deployment he must have seen real potential there. When he got back he probably relized things about her he didnt like. Relationships are WAY different in person then they are long-distance. I would say thats the risk she took and he probably had good intentions.

avatar Jess March 11, 2011, 3:41 pm

no, acually he didn’t even contact her for a month after he got back. she was super traumatized by it

avatar Jess March 11, 2011, 3:48 pm

And btw, she works for the USO so she spends a lot of time with soldiers and a lot of the relationships end when the guys go back. There’s a lot of cheating going on at army bases (shes in kuwait right now), which is surprising given the man-woman ratio.

However, I think a lot of that is because the guys marry their girlfriends before they go because of the steep pay increase, and they are both very young and weren’t ready to be married/not the right person for each other

avatar Katie March 11, 2011, 3:50 pm

well I guess that just means y ou gotta find a good one ;) glad I did! maybe she will have better luck next time?

avatar Katie March 11, 2011, 3:51 pm

have you considered he may have been dealing with PTSD?

avatar Jess March 11, 2011, 3:57 pm

Yea, I definitely think being in combat, seeing the civilian casualties, etc etc has a big effect on soldiers. Even if it is not to the point of PTSD it changes people, for better or worse.

However, through a lot of facebook stalking it was clear that her guy wasn’t sitting at home depressed, I don’t know, he gave her super expensive gifts and everything up until he got home so I don’t know what his deal was! I thought, “well at least you got gifts, he obviously sucked” but she was really upset afterwards, trying to figure out what went wrong, what was wrong with her, etc, etc

Personally I am very wary of military men, for the above reason and this attitude they had with me. There was an army base about an hour from my college town, and the army guys would come up on the weekends and act like us girls should fall all over them and hook up with them just because they were serving our country. So I have a bias.

My best friend, however, who has much more experience with military men, has many close friends who are soldiers and she loves very much, and dreams of marrying an officer one day. So they can’t all be bad. :)

avatar WatersEdge March 11, 2011, 4:45 pm

Aww, come on! Not all military men are so full of themselves! Tell your friend I married an officer and he’s awesome!

avatar Katie March 11, 2011, 5:48 pm

Mine is an officer too! he is a first LT I am super proud. Yayy military men!

avatar Katie March 11, 2011, 5:44 pm

yes its quit clear you are wary of them. however, I love mine!! :) I found a good one <3

avatar Kare March 12, 2011, 1:59 am

I say this with love, since I have 11 family members that have served or are serving in the military, but some military guys are just jerks…just like any group of guys. It does not mean a girl “was nicer on the phone and in letters than she was in person” or that the guy has PTSD. Some guys are just immature…my brother was one of them but he seems to have grown up in the last year.

caitie_didnt caitie_didn't March 11, 2011, 3:12 pm

Yikes, LW3! your letter made ME feel like it’s far too late and I just turned 23!! I do feel your pain about your family members- my parents met in high school. When I turned 20 my mom told me “your eggs are at their prime now, so you need to hurry up and find someone soon”. And even though I’m quite recently single following a breakup with a guy I was sure I was going to be with for years, I have family members on my case with “it gets harder and harder to meet people as you get older and if you don’t meet someone soon you’ll be alone for the rest of your life”. ughhhhh. My solution: start telling your family members that the world is a different place now, and it’s considered *highly* unusual to be married in your early 20′s. Oh, and that you’re actually quite happy with your life at the moment, thanks.

Like other commenters, I wonder about the cultural/regional/religious background and how that plays in to her family’s attitude. All the people my age that I know who are married or engaged are very religious and are big believers in “purity”. I know that’s also a big deal in the Mormon church. Regardless, it seems that couples in these churches marry very young. Also, if the LW is from a community where the majority of people don’t continue to post-secondary education and stay in the same town their whole lives, it’s *highly* likely that girls there stay with their high school boyfriends and get married young. I know it’s a big generalization to paint all small communities with that brush, but that’s definitely the way it works here in Ontario!

avatar MissDre March 11, 2011, 3:14 pm

Ontario, Canada?

caitie_didnt caitie_didn't March 11, 2011, 3:25 pm

yes, that Ontario!

avatar MissDre March 11, 2011, 4:31 pm

YAY I’m Canadian too!!!

avatar thyme March 11, 2011, 3:57 pm

About the military guy –

I did almost the exact same thing, except he wanted to stay together through the deployment, and I didn’t because it didn’t seem like the rational/right thing to do when the time we’d been together was significantly shorter than the deployment was going to be. But after he left and I missed him and worried about him and couldn’t stop thinking about him, I told him over the phone that I decided I did want to be in a relationship. I sent him a million letters and packages while he was gone, and when he came home safe, I felt like I was in heaven… for a little while. It took a year or so for the euphoria of him being actually HERE and SAFE to wear off, and then I gradually came to the realization that we had pretty much nothing in common and were sooooo not compatible. We broke up. I don’t regret the relationship at all, but I won’t enter into another one like that.

DEPLOYMENTS ARE REALLY HARD TO HANDLE. They are heartbreaking, devastating, nerve-wracking, gut-wrenching. You read about an unamed casualty in the news (which you will obsessively monitor and scour for information constantly), find yourself falling to your knees, screaming out his name, asking God, “Please, please, let him still be alive.” When he finally calls you are relieved because for a moment, you know that he is alive. But a little while later the sickening dread of, “He could be dying right now and I wouldn’t even know,” returns. I can’t even describe how awful it is. Plenty of military SOs do it, but know what you are getting into if you go there. If it ends up not working out in the long run, it’s easy to get resentful that you gave up so much of your soul for someone who wasn’t even The One. Because you will give up a part of your soul.

avatar Katie March 11, 2011, 5:47 pm

interesting, but after going through this one year deployment and knowing he was safe the entire time (we talked on the phone an avg of 2 hours a day his entire deployment since he is an officer and has a phone on his desk) I feel like its deffinately something I can handle again in the future if he turns out to be the one and I marry him.

avatar Maracuya March 11, 2011, 11:07 pm

Then it sounds like you had a good deployment. But like thyme, I’ve definitely spent time scouring the news or worrying when political tensions in regions where he is erupt. Having a phone at his desk makes him easily accessible, but most people have to sit and wait by the phone when their servicemen are deployed or underway.

At the letter writer: I agree with Wendy. If he told this friend, and assuming the friend is a reliable source that he doesn’t want a relationship, he doesn’t want one. There’s nothing wrong with keeping in touch with him as long as you’re realistic that you’re not dating (not even sort of dating.) The stresses of a fledgling relationship are tough enough without adding the worry of potential death to the mix.

A friend’s brother began dating his girlfriend while he was still stationed in Iraq, and they’re together now that he’s out. My boyfriend and I have done the LDR thing for about two years now, although my situation is different from yours in that he’s not in Iraq/Afghanistan. It’s not impossible, in other words, if he’s willing to give it a try. Good luck!

avatar Kare March 12, 2011, 1:53 am

Wait someone was deployed and had a phone and a desk? When my brother was in Iraq he didn’t have electricity or running water. We would hear from him every couple of months if he was able to call. My advice is to provide friendship and support but not become romantically involved with someone right before they deploy. A year is a long time for any couple to be apart, much less a couple who don’t know each other that well. My brother dated started dating a girl a couple months before he deployed for his second tour. Unfortunately, the distance/anxiety/etc. was too much for her and she dumped him. This was after he was wounded in combat and the only survivor in a small explosion. He didn’t take it well, and I’m grateful he was able to survive the last few months of his deployment. I’m not saying it can’t work, but I really don’t recommend it in the LW’s particular situation.

avatar splash October 14, 2011, 3:33 pm

your experience is not the norm, and if he spent 2 hrs every day calling you on a military paid-for phone from his work desk overseas, that sounds like an ethics violation waiting to happen for him.

avatar SpyGlassez March 11, 2011, 11:54 pm

LW 3 – your family and friends are probably coming from a place where they want you to be happy, their relationships make them happy, and therefore they want the same for you. But not everyone’s happiness comes from the same place. I’m 29 (soon 30) and in my first relationship beyond a high school “boyfriend” I never kissed. My great grandmother WAS an old maid at 25 when she got married (in 1904 or so), my grandmother married at 24ish, divorced, and remarried at 30, was widowed, and married my grandpa at 33ish. My parents were 26. One of my great aunts NEVER married her “gentleman caller” because she was fiercely protective of her single status. Don’t let them pressure you into something that does not make YOU happy, but do be patient with them. Believe me, I’ve gotten pressure from friends in the past (i.e. “When are you going to settle down?”) and always turned it aside in the same manner: I thank them for their best wishes and tell them that I am happy for their happiness, but that it is not my same path. Best wishes to you in dealing with this!

avatar GertietheDino October 14, 2011, 11:09 am

I’ve been getting the “so, when are you going to get married and have babies?” question since I was 18. Yeah, not gonna happen. I’m very happy to have gotten my degree (soon to work on another), a great job and a fantastic boyfriend (who is in no rush either) while I watch the people who got married or had babies young get divorced and/or lose their kids. It’s sad, but they made their choices and I made mine. My parents and grand-parents got married young, but that was not for me. I’m almost 30 (!) and very happy with my life.

avatar Corrinne March 15, 2011, 5:31 am

There have already been tooons of comments, and I didn’t read them all. But one thing that kind of struck me about the letter with the three-some- she is scared to tell the guy and her friend about the pregnancy and doesn’t want to upset them and interfere with their relationship. BUT- the 3 some was supposedly done willingly. They were all willing participants, so it seems she should tell them about it, but be clear she doesn’t intend to have the kid. She shouldn’t have to hide it and go through it alone, I kind of think.

And the fact she’s worried it will upset her female friend sends me the signal that she wasn’t really 100% cool with it. This is all completely speculative, it’s just the vibe I got from it.

avatar Ktfran October 14, 2011, 11:45 am

Wendy’s response to LW3 reminded me of a Miss Manners column I read recently. It’s not the exact same situation, but it is about people bothering singles.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=30296449

I laughed at her response. Very snarky.

I’m fairly certain I haven’t read a Miss Manners column addressing with LW1′s dilemma.

bittergaymark bittergaymark October 14, 2011, 1:18 pm

LW1…are you 100 percent sure you’re pregnant? I mean, have you been tested by a doctor? I say this as I have a couple of good friends who often falsely tested positive on those home test kits and it was very painful to them because ironically, they were desperately trying to get pregnant. So, I would first confirm that you are pregnant by a medical doctor.

Second, are you 100 percent sure that you have done the math right here? If you used a morning after pill and it didn’t work, that’s pretty unusual. Is there anybody else you can think of that could be the father? Or was this the only time it could possibly have happened as you aren’t seeing anybody else?

Only you know what to do here. But if you decide that you do need to go ahead and have an abortion, don’t let anybody on here or in the world at large make you feel bad about it. This is a very personal decision that is really nobody’s business but you own. If you worry that your father will be upset about your decision — well, why tell him? Parents don’t need to know everything and this definitely falls into that category.

As far as your three way friends, do they know? Do they need to know? I only ask this as if you think that this news will cause a lot of drama with them, then maybe you don’t need to tell them either. If they are going to be supportive of you and your decision, that could be a great thing, yes. But you seem hesitant to tell them about it and worried. Why are you worried? You don’t say, but I suspect you have a good reason for this. If you think you do, then go ahead and trust your gut and keep this private.

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