Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “I Hate My Roommate’s Boyfriend!”

middle finger

My roommate has been “dating” this guy for a few months and it’s driving me crazy. He constantly bosses her around and only uses her for sex. She abandons me on VERY IMPORTANT DATES for him. For example: We were moving out of our old apartment into our new one, I had reserved a U-haul, and then, despite my reminding her several times, she didn’t show up and I had to move most of the apartment by myself.

In addition to my roommate constantly abandoning me for her boyfriend…He WETS HIS HAIR IN THE KITCHEN SINK! (I’m a nursing student who has worked in a clinic and I think that’s just disgusting!) He constantly smokes and does drugs. He lies around my apartment all day and doesn’t pay anything. (I tried to explain to her that I think he should pay either rent or utilities, but she doesn’t seem to understand.) And he may have gotten her dumb ass pregnant. I wouldn’t mind if he was here for a few days out of every two weeks or if he was here but went home every night, but he has been here FOR A WEEK STRAIGHT AND I HAVE TO SHARE A BATHROOM WITH HIM.

I’m already stressed out as it is and I can’t deal with this asshole. What on earth should I do?

P.S. I live with another girl who has a boyfriend – he helps her pay her rent but has his own place where he stays often. He is very sweet and polite. She also doesn’t like the boyfriend living here. — Get Him Outta My House!

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

35 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Anonymous December 18, 2015, 10:09 am

    You didn’t sign up for this. If she insists on having him live with you, I think you need to ask her to leave and when you find another roommate, lay down the rules beforehand. Channel your inner Sheldon (Cooper)

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    • LadyinPurpleNotRed

      LadyInPurpleNotRed December 18, 2015, 10:19 am

      She kind of did sign up for this though. They were living together before this current apartment because she abandoned her on moving day, so she knew what she was getting into.

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      • avatar

        Anonymous December 18, 2015, 10:41 am

        You’re right. I missed that

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  • avatar

    MoeP December 18, 2015, 10:11 am

    I think that the things that, to ME, seem very important seem to have been glossed over regarding this guy, that he sits around smoking and taking drugs, for which YOU could end up in trouble, and that he doesn’t pay rent despite staying for long periods. For THESE reasons, talk to your roommate about it. it her down and CALMLY discuss the issue and have ready what you want to happen. if she is indeed pregnant, this brings up another huge issue: What will happen when the baby is born? I assume they will live together? The other issues, her not helping you move for example, doesn’t seem related to him at all. That’s on HER. Wetting his hair in the sink seems to be the least of your worries.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph December 18, 2015, 10:33 am

      Agree with your first line! You don’t have to like him, whether or not he uses her for sex is really not your concern, and the sink thing grosses you out, so what? All of this pales in comparison to the fact that he’s basically your 4th roommate (rent free) and that he’s doing (illegal?) drugs in your apartment. These are the real problems and to an extent it weakens your argument that you’ve chosen to focus on these other things instead.

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    • othy

      othy December 18, 2015, 11:14 am

      I didn’t even notice that he was smoking and doing drugs in the house because I was too busy wondering why wetting his hair in the sink would be her biggest issue.

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      • honeybeenicki

        honeybeenicki December 18, 2015, 2:57 pm

        I mean, I don’t wet my hair in the sink usually but that’s because my sink is often kind of gross and my hair is long enough that it would go down the garbage disposal and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know better. But other than that? Who cares?

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  • avatar

    Miss MJ December 18, 2015, 10:13 am

    Obviously, it’s not really your business who your roommate dates and you don’t have to like him. However, if he’s moved in, and is smoking and doing drugs on your home, you need to get him out of there. I know you said you’ve talked to her about him paying up, but have you and your other roommate flat-out told her he cannot stay there? Try it. It may not work, though.
    .
    Check your lease to see if there’s anything in it about how long guests whose names are not on the lease can stay. If there is, have your landlord tell your roommate the BF has to go. Even if the lease doesn’t specifically limit guests, you could probably get your landlord’s help by explaining that you’ve got an unapproved resident in your apartment who smokes and does drugs in there. Can’t imagine the landlord wants that in his or her place.

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph December 18, 2015, 10:25 am

    I was totally prepared to tell you that you don’t have to like your roommate’s boyfriend when your letter started, but this is ridiculous.
    He’s doing drugs (I assume the illegal kind?) in your apartment. Without anything else, I’d say that’s enough to want him to GTFO.
    Unfortunately, you can’t just get your roommate to dump him, and it doesn’t seem like she’s going to come to that realization on her own, so the only real solution is to get rid of them both. If you both are on the lease (or if you have a documented sublease agreement) then you may need to stay until the end of the term. If your name is not on any documentation, the easiest thing is to leave, find a new place/new roommates. If her name is not on the lease, then you should ask her to leave. She may refuse, you may need a lawyer to help you evict her.
    And next time get all this stuff in writing. Limit how many times an SO can stay over without contributing to utilities, make sure you put that anyone doing illegal activities will be asked to leave immediately, etc.

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  • avatar

    PumpkinSpice December 18, 2015, 10:33 am

    You need to put your foot down. Tell her straight out that if he doesn’t leave, then he will be expected to pay X amount towards rent and utilities. If he does not then tell your landlord that there is an unwanted guest who will not leave the apartment. Who’s name is not on the lease, and have the landlord remove him from the apartment. And if there girl gets mad, well then tell her what you told us. He is gross,lazy and you don’t want drugs being used in your home.

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    • avatar

      blink14 December 18, 2015, 2:06 pm

      Regarding him paying rent/utilities – that actually can be a claim to tenancy in some cities and states, I would tread very carefully on that subject, LW, and research your local tenant laws first.

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  • avatar

    LisforLeslie December 18, 2015, 10:44 am

    You have to re-establish house rules, given that you have a third roommate who has set a better precedent, it might (?) go more easily…

    1. He is NEVER to be in the apartment unless she is there
    2. No smoking/drugs (assuming no one else in the apartment does either) this has to be an all or nothing situation. With the smoking – it means he goes outside, not cracks a window.
    3. If he’s going to stay over XX nights or more, than your roommate’s portion of the rent goes up to cover the inconvenience/ costs. Align it to whatever the third roommate is paying.

    When your lease is up – do not move in with this friend again. Your friend ditching you for a dickhead is not his fault, it’s hers. You need to be mad at her for being a doormat – not him for using her as one (I mean, you can, because he sounds like an ass but your anger is somewhat misdirected). If she had a backbone, I have no doubt this guy would be long gone.

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  • muchachaenlaventana

    muchachaenlaventana December 18, 2015, 10:51 am

    Yeah, you need to have an actual conversation with your friend, basically in a nicer way- outlining all you did in your letter to Wendy. I would be disgusted sharing a bathroom with someone who sounds like he doesn’t have the best grasp of cleanliness, washing or wetting his hair in the kitchen sink really turns my stomach. The drugs and smoking thing is also troubling– you really need to stand up for yourself and your living environment here.

    I will also say though, why the fck did you live with your roommate again, if you knew her boyfriend was like this? This is partly on you, and if she refuses to do anything about her boyfriend being over and living with you, and also refuses to move out, I would suggest YOU start looking for a new place to live. I lived with my best friend for 1.5 years, and by the end it was seriously awful, she was really dirty, her boyfriend was long distance but down every weekend with his dog, who destroyed my entire room and part of our apartment and always got in to the trash and went to the bathroom in the house, and it was just bad. So when our lease was up and she asked to live with me again and I said no, and trust me I had 0 other options, I just knew I could not live in those circumstances. If something is making you unhappy/you can’t deal with it, especially with roommate situations, speak up, because that is the only way it can get even marginally better. Also, next time your lease is up, do not move in with someone who has this huge baggage you know about, and that drives you crazy!

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  • avatar

    Scooze December 18, 2015, 10:53 am

    You need a new roommate. Why would you have gotten a new place with her, knowing this was the situation? You cannot control her or the boyfriend. Find a way. Move out and let her boyfriend be her new roomie.

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  • avatar

    Bcamber December 18, 2015, 10:56 am

    Move out.

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    • avatar

      SasLinna December 18, 2015, 12:11 pm

      Yeah. I think it’s too late to try to fix this. Either kick her out or move out yourself, depending on who’s on the lease. Usually when roomie situations turn bad it’s difficult to turn it around. And you can always live with someone else.
      If you decide to find a new roomie, mention your expectations around boyfriend visits etc. upfront.

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  • avatar

    ktfran December 18, 2015, 11:25 am

    IDK, maybe it’s because I’m grouchy, but I kind of think you dug your own grave here in that this wasn’t discussed and rules weren’t established before you signed a new lease. Unless this boyfriend staying over thing is new.

    You and your third roomate could try talking to her. Don’t make the conversation about how much you dislike this dude, but more about the rent and being in the apartment when she’s not there. Also, the smoking and drugs.

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  • avatar

    PumpkinSpice December 18, 2015, 11:26 am

    You and the roommate you get along with (whose boyfriend does contribute) should tell her that either the boyfriend goes or all 3 of you go and she is stuck with the lease on a 3/4 bedroom apartment with her deadbeat boyfriend. Since you have tried to talk to her nicely already, it is time to step up to the plate, and put your foot down. This, this, this, this (whatever examples you want to use) will no longer be tolerated, and she needs to tell the boyfriend it is time to go home. If she won’t listen. Tell the landlord there is a drug user in the apartment who will not leave and he is not on the lease. Then it will be the landlords problem. Either the landlord will kick both of them out, or just him. This relates to Wendy’s post from yesterday. Stop trying to not “be the bad guy ” and stand up for yourself and your home.

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  • mrmidtwenties

    mrmidtwenties December 18, 2015, 11:32 am

    If the laws are anything like Ontario, the only thing you can really do is to remedy the problem among yourselves. A lot of leases will stipulate how long guests can stay but they are not actually legally valid here as long as the occupants in the rental are not greater than 2 per bedroom and the full rent for the unit is being paid to the landlord. You may have some sort of legal recourse but likely by the time you pursue all those avenues, your lease will be up and it will be pointless. You have 3 options, either you leave and attempt to sublet your room to someone else, you convince her to leave and sublet her room to someone else, or you try to work it out among yourselves how often he can stay, but from my experience with several friends who have had this problem, you will likely be stuck with the 2 of them until the end of your lease.

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  • avatar

    RedBlue December 18, 2015, 12:06 pm

    Easy solution. The next time he does drugs, call the cops. When (if ) they show up, then show them his stash and let the chips fall where they may.

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    • avatar

      SLS December 18, 2015, 2:13 pm

      Hilarious. This was my exact same thought!

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  • avatar

    for_cutie December 18, 2015, 12:08 pm

    I am not sure why you even want money from this guy. Having him pay isn’t solving any problems; you want him out of your house. I also don’t understand why your other roommate’s boyfriend would pay if he has his own place – does she then pay for her time there? – it sounds like a wash to me. I say ask the friend in question to move out with the boyfriend. She was a bad friend for not helping you move and clearly is not as invested in the friendship or living arrangements as she once was (baby or not).

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  • avatar

    L.G.J December 18, 2015, 12:47 pm

    Your roommate sounds like a bad roommate, on top of her worse boyfriend. I mean she didn’t show up to move her own apartment? why didn’t you just leave her stuff behind, she’s a grownup let her figure it out.
    Sounds like you’ve let her boyfriends behavior go too long to fix it now (through two apartments no less) so unless you and your other roommate can band together and get this fixed your best course of action is probably to move out, break your lease or find someone to sublet your part til the lease it up, it will suck but if the boyfriend is as bad as you say he is its probably better than your current situation

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    • othy

      othy December 18, 2015, 3:47 pm

      I had some friends who were all living together. Two of the three of them decided to move at the end of the lease. They told the third roommate that they would not be renewing the lease, and he would be on his own for finding a new place. My husband and I, being friends with all three roomies, offered to help all of them move when the time came. The two who were actively finding a new place took us up on our offer. The third roomie never asked, so we figured that he was just getting his family to help him move. Turns out, he never actually found a place to live and was being super passive aggressive about moving out on his own. He ended up paying for another month or two in the big apartment (on his own, luckily in a month-to-month), rather than moving to a smaller cheaper place. And he got mad at his roommates for abandoning him. But we all knew he was an adult and it was up to him to figure out his new living situation/moving his shit.
      .
      Of course, this is the same friend who flaked and missed his own birthday party, and then got mad at us for abandoning him and having dinner without him. We don’t see him very much anymore…

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      • avatar

        L.G.J December 18, 2015, 4:41 pm

        I did the math and I’ve lived with 26 different people since I moved out of my parents place 8 years ago, I am so done with roommates who don’t communicate, I was always the person who would help even when I wasn’t asked or who would make food for everyone.
        I feel like its super cold and out of character for me but I’ve learned the hard way though its no good to be everyone’s mom, if you’re old enough to sign a lease you are old enough to take care of your own stuff.

        I definitely have a few roommates I don’t see anymore due to living arrangement related incidents

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  • avatar

    Anonymousse December 18, 2015, 1:05 pm

    Move out.
    It’s none of your business who your roommate dates or bones, unless of course it’s affecting your life. Which this is affecting you. Read Wendy’s post about not looking bad….and set some boundaries next time! Speak up. Absolutely make demands in your living space if you need to. Don’t let yourself get walked all over.
    You can’t really make her do anything regarding him at this point, though. Especially if you want to save your friendship/roommate relationship. You should’ve moved out or not moved her stuff by yourself (what the what?) when she ditched you on moving day. Read your lease, or talk to your landlord. Find a sublet or whatever you need to do. Or even sit down with her and tell her either you or her need to go and explain all the reasons.

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    • avatar

      Stillrunning December 18, 2015, 7:19 pm

      My thoughts, too. Quit being nice, or move out (and quit being nice). That U Haul would have had my stuff in it and that’s it.

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      • avatar

        Stillrunning December 18, 2015, 7:38 pm

        “Quit being nice,” wasn’t helpful. What I should have said was it sounds like it’s time for the three roommates to sit down and talk about this. It doesn’t matter if the roommate thinks it’s his behavior isn’t a problem, make it clear how it affects you.

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  • avatar

    blink14 December 18, 2015, 2:01 pm

    I’ve been in a similar situation. First, if you can, remove all your valuables from the apartment and/or find a way to lock your bedroom when you aren’t home. Second, you and your other roommate (I also have lived with two other roommates for a long time) need to come up with a list of the major issues with the situation and discuss a calm and rational way to present it to your third roommate. One solid reason is that there is one bathroom to share between the three of you, and having someone over adds a fourth person to contend with for the bathroom. It sounds like either she doesn’t care what you think, or she is being manipulated and possibly abused in some way by this guy. I would NOT ask her to make him pay rent, as that may entitle him legally as a tenant, depending on the rules where you live.

    If she cannot agree to either not have him around or to have him at least not do drugs at your place, I would suggest talking to your landlord and alerting them to the situation. They may not be able to do much, but at least there is some sort of complaint record. If all else fails, call the police while this guy is doing drugs. Make sure they are aware that he is not a tenant and not on the lease. Again, the fact that he isn’t paying anything may actually be important on a legal level.

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  • FireStar

    Firestar December 18, 2015, 2:01 pm

    Who is on the lease? Get your other roommate and the three of you have a talk. Tell your roommate her boyfriend can’t live there. The amount of time he is there puts you all in a position where you could be in breach your lease. Usually there is a provision in a lease that limits occupancy to the signatories. Tell her you are fine with one day a week/two days a week/whatever. That’s it. Tell her the smoking and drugs have to stop. Immediately. I’m assuming illegal drugs? Tell her you can’t put yourself in a position where you could get in trouble. The next time he does drugs in your home, you are calling the police. And then call them. No negotiation. She doesn’t like it? Too fucking bad. Go live with the boyfriend. Your roommate sucks and is taking advantage of your nice nature. Unbelievable you moved for her because she decided not to show up. Why are you walking on eggshells around her for? What good comes of her? She clearly couldn’t give a rat’s ass about you. Screw it. See post about women being afraid of “looking bad”. Stand up for your damn self. If you don’t – who exactly is supposed to?

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  • BlueKate

    BlueKate December 18, 2015, 2:34 pm

    This is such a tricky situation. I disagree with others who say you got yourself into this, because of the move in drama, etc. By your letter, they’ve only been together for a few months, so this isn’t exactly something she could have predicted.

    To OP: do not, under any circumstances, insist that he pay for anything for rent or utilities. As other posters pointed out, in some areas (like in California), that will establish a tenancy, and a legal eviction process will have to be started to get him out. However, make sure that the roommate has not given him a key to the apartment…because WTF?! If she resists, then you tell her you’ll be contacting your landlord (be prepared with a draft email to the landlord before having this conversation, send it out afterwards, then call to tell your landlord of the email in the event they don’t check it often.)

    Additionally, review your lease and inform your landlord immediately. He may want to evict her (and him in the process), or at least give you an option to re-coup your deposit if you decide to break your lease and move out.

    As Redblue pointed out, do call the cops when he uses drugs. Because what may happen next will be even worse if nothing stops: she’ll get friendly with his druggie friends, they’ll all start coming over to her place (your place), and smoking it up/doing drugs there. You know why? Because if he does/will ever sell/deal any drugs, or buy drugs from a dealer, it’s safer for him to have the clients/dealer come over to some chick’s house than to his own, that way they don’t know where he actually lives. You know who I learned that from? My ex’s dealer. That’s why I never had his friends over at our place, or at least very rarely, and only for brief amounts of time.

    It’s time to stop being nice about this, and start getting real. Your safety and peace of mind is 100% priority. His drug use can also reflect badly on you socially and professionally as well (because while you may not notice if your clothes, blankets, etc., smell like weed, others will.)

    And as cruel as this sounds, I honestly wouldn’t give a damn about her at this point, or that she may be pregnant.

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    • avatar

      PumpkinSpice December 18, 2015, 3:36 pm

      BlueKate, this was very well said. It’s like, what I wanted to say but couldn’t find the words for it. And you are 100% right about calling the cops in regards to the drugs. If this doesn’t stop, bad shit will happen to the rest of the people in the household. I know first hand how you can’t smell the weed on your clothes. My FIL used to smoke in my house no matter how many fights we got into because of it. I had employers drug test ME and question me due to the stink I didn’t even realize was on my clothes. The part about him not giving money makes great sense to. But also LW, here is something else to think about, depending on the state, if he stays in the apartment for a certain amount of time, he can be considered a legal tenant. In my state, I think it is six weeks. Meaning that they stay for 6 weeks, and don’t leave. At that time, they are entitled to a key to the home, you cannot change the locks on them, and they can start having their mail come to your home. Then It is a legal process to get them out.

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      • BlueKate

        BlueKate December 18, 2015, 8:42 pm

        Great point PumpkinSpice. Also, in California it’s not 6 weeks, it’s 20 days! However, they have to prove they live there. Like, a phone bill, which is easy to do (hey ATT, I wanna change the address on my cell phone account. BAM!)

        However, just because he may squat, and be a tenant, doesn’t mean that the landlord will give him keys, and he can start a legal eviction process – against all of you or just him and the gf if you’re lucky. (this is to OP)

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  • avatar

    Ange December 18, 2015, 7:23 pm

    One thing I learned to do when I shared housing was to have all tenants sign a room mate agreement. There are templates available online and they basically discuss things like cleanliness, sharing arrangements and guests. After this sitiation sorts itself out it’s definitely worth starting fresh with one of them OP.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark December 20, 2015, 3:48 pm

    Eh, the problem here is YOUR friend. NOT her boyfriend. It amazes me how rarely people can clearly see this sort of thing. Somehow, they never blame the person who is actually treating them very badly — but instead project all blame onto a third person who they simply do not like. Often the dislike is justifiable, sure. But it’s still your roommate here who is truly being the jerk by making YOU put up with her boyfriend. It was your ROOMMATE who screwed you over on the move…

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