Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I Have Doubt About Marrying My Fiancé”

My boyfriend (“Greg,” 29) and I (29) love each other very much. He is an American living in New York and I’m Danish and living in Copenhagen. We met five years ago in NYC and lived together with other roommates for a couple of years before I had to return home because my mom got sick.

My dealing with a dying mom and a family in crisis was difficult for my boyfriend to completely comprehend. I lacked support and still, to this day, feel like I was completely left on my own (whereas before I always felt like part of a strong united team with him). The big deal breaker came when my mom passed away and my boyfriend decided not to come and join the funeral and be there for me because he was already planning to come for Christmas and he had just started a new job and didn’t want to lose it. A couple of months after our awkward Christmas visit together, I decided that we needed to take a break. I was feeling completely unsure of my feelings and to this day I still am.

When we met up for Easter, I ended up looking in his phone and finding messages from a girl he dated just up until seeing me. Though we hadn’t defined the break and whether we could be dating others, it was really hurtful to learn about, and I ended up writing him a long letter explaining to him how I felt. We didn’t tackle the issue that well and kinda just went along with it. I started dating another guy but was constantly thinking about Greg.

In the fall, we decided that by Christmas we would have to make a decision about our relationship. He ended up proposing to me on New Years Day and, though it was very beautiful, a tiny little voice in my head was shouting, “no no no.” I said “yes” though and started planning my relocation to NYC. A couple of weeks into planning, I broke down in tears in front of some girlfriends. I’m in doubt over whether he is my one and only. I cannot forget, and I still struggle to forgive him, for not being there when my mom died or at least showing the effort to do so.

This spring I underwent a two-month to trial of living back in New York with him. It was a tough but also a good time where I felt like we grew back into our relationship a little bit. Now I am back in Copenhagen and I’m pulling out hair to figure out whether this is what I want — moving to New York, putting my career on hold while I wait for a visa. I have proposed our going somewhere neutral to start over, but he is not keen on that idea, nor does he want to move to Copenhagen yet, before we have kids.

I’ve spent five years on this relationship and now I’m turning 30 and I have an incredible fear of actually ending up alone if I don’t go all in for this. I’m completely torn, also by different perspectives from my friends and family who are all looking from their points of view. I’m afraid of losing him, but I’m also afraid of saying yes to a marriage that I’m not 100% sure of.

I would love your perspective on this very difficult life decision. — Feeling Doubt In My Yes

It doesn’t strike me as a difficult decision, actually. It seems like a no-brainer, to be honest. I don’t even need to tell you what the right answer is. You already know. The hard part is feeling the loss and heartache you’re sure to feel in letting go of someone you love. But look, if it were right, you’d feel excited! You’d be counting the days until you could be together again and starting a new life with him. You wouldn’t be crying to girlfriends, feeling so much doubt, struggling with forgiving your husband-to-be for the way he neglected you when your mom was sick and dying, or pulling out your hair trying to figure out if this is what you want. This isn’t what you want.

What you want is to not end up alone, I get that. But there are lots of ways to avoid ending up alone. Marrying Greg isn’t your only chance to have a spouse. He’s not your only path away from loneliness. Can you even say you feel less lonely with him? Because reading your letter, it doesn’t feel that’s true. What it seems like to me is that you stay with Greg because he’s comfortable, he’s what you know, and you’re afraid you won’t find something better. Fear is never a good motivating factor for getting married.

I hear what you’re saying — you’re 30 and you feel like time is running out. But time isn’t going to slow down by marrying Greg. You aren’t going to be closer to what you want by marrying him. You’re going to be further from what you want and that much older. You know what’s worse than being 30 and not knowing exactly what you want? Being 35 and knowing exactly what you DON’T want because it’s the life you’ve been living for a few years and you don’t know how or if you can get out of it. You know what’s even worse than that? Blaming yourself for making a decision you had so many warnings not to make — the tears, the doubt, the inability to forgive, the lack of communication and ability to work effectively through things (“We didn’t tackle the issue that well and kinda just went along with it”). You think life is going to get easier? You think marriage is going to solve the problems you have with working together and understanding each other and meeting each other’s needs? It won’t. You get older and life gets more complicated, and if you don’t have a handle on your relationship now, your issues aren’t going to magically fix themselves when you move to New York.

And what’s this about Greg not wanting to move to Copenhagen until you have kids? What if you don’t have kids? What if you have trouble conceiving or carrying a baby to term? Is he only going to move once a baby is born? Do you discuss what that looks like? What it will be like for both of you uprooting your lives at just the moment you’re adjusting to new parenthood? What about Denmark’s healthcare and childcare? Have you discussed the benefits of your having a baby there vs. in the U.S.? Have you discussed when you want to try to have a baby? You’re 30 now; I’m willing to bet you probably would want to get started on growing your family in the next few years, right? So… what’s the plan around that in relation to your moving to the states, if what you want is to be in Copenhagen once you have kids? It doesn’t really make sense.

I don’t think either of you has fully thought this through. I think Greg just wants to get you on his turf, living his life, and doesn’t really have much intention of leaving. You think someone who didn’t even try to be by his girlfriend’s side when her mother died for fear of losing his job is going to prioritize family and his wife’s wishes when it will mean sacrificing so much more than a week or two away from home to support a grieving loved one? Come on, wake up.

I don’t know how else to make this any clearer for you. The writing is on the wall. Ignoring the writing, or prolonging the inevitable, isn’t going to make the end any less difficult or sad. But feeling sad about an ending doesn’t mean it should be avoided or that it isn’t the right choice. You will feel grief, and it will be the price you’ll pay for the love you shared and the freedom you’ll have to love again.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

46 comments… add one
  • Kate B.

    Kate B. June 19, 2017, 9:42 am

    Yeah, you don’t want to marry this guy. You’ve pretty much admitted the main reason you want to marry him is so you won’t be alone. That’s no reason. That’s a good reason to get a dog, not to get married. First off, being alone isn’t so bad. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want with whomever you want. Second, if you do marry this guy and the marriage fails (which I think is pretty likely, given your reason for getting into it in the first place) you’ll be on your own, maybe a single mom, and you’ll have spent time that could have been used to find someone more suited to you. A friend once said to me: “Time spent with Mr. Wrong is not time spent looking for Mr. Right.” This guy is not your Mr. Right.

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  • avatar

    MMR June 19, 2017, 9:50 am

    This letter makes me so sad.

    I agree with Wendy about everything she said.

    I’ll also add, that when you feel sad or confused or upset, you should be able to turn to your partner for support. Both of the examples you give of reaching out to him (when you’re mom was sick, and with your letter about the other girl) show him as unwilling or unable to support you or respond to your needs. And now you’re conflicted about this HUGE life-changing decision and you’re not even trying to talk to him about it because you’ve learned from experience that it won’t make a difference. I think this is the most telling sign that this relationship is doomed.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark June 19, 2017, 10:03 am

    Eh, when you are “on a break” you are ON A BREAK. That’s terrible about your mother, but… some questions. How well did he know your mother? How close to Christmas did your mom die? Look, sad but true. Every time, I’ve started a new job immediately taking time off was simply NOT an option. That’s just the reality of jobs today…
    .
    He may NOT be the guy for you, sure. But be that the case, the issues must be much deeper than these two instances. It seems you have yet to iron out where you want to live, etc… If you don’t want to move to NYC — DON’T. But make that your decision. Not something you’ve concluded simply because be couldn’t make it to a funeral and that he thought being on a break meant being on a break…. NEWSFLASH! If you don’t want somebody to text other people (did they EVEN see each other?!) it’s a good idea NOT to announce its time to take a break…

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    • avatar

      MMR June 19, 2017, 11:11 am

      The impression I get is that his not going to the funeral was more like the straw that broke the camel’s back. She didn’t feel supported throughout her mother’s illness. And she admits that they didn’t talk about what “taking a break” meant.

      The theme through this letter is that they never really address any major issues. I think that’s the real problem here.

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    • avatar

      Cleopatra Jones June 19, 2017, 11:41 am

      Yeah, that’s where I disagreed with Wendy.
      Sure her mother’s death was sad but he had just started a new job and would have had to book an international flight on short notice. Maybe he just didn’t have the finances to do so OR he really couldn’t leave his new job. She was his girlfriend not his wife/fiancee, so a lot of jobs would not take kindly to that.

      I think it’s a different story, if they lived in the same city (or house) and he didn’t attend the mother’s funeral but an international trip for a woman he probably didn’t know?? Seems kinda romcom-ish to me.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy June 19, 2017, 11:50 am

        Rom-comish?! To expect your significant other to make some effort to be at your side when your mother dies and feel hurt when he doesn’t? I fail to see the romance or the comedy in that.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy June 19, 2017, 11:52 am

        And going to a funeral wouldn’t be “for a woman who probably didn’t know,” it would be for his girlfriend. And “sure her mother’s death was sad but he had just started a new job…”? Damn, that’s cold.

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      • Kicia

        Kicia June 19, 2017, 12:15 pm

        I’m actually with BGM and Cleo on this one. Going to a funeral in Europe isn’t the same as traveling to one elsewhere in the states. Sometimes it just impossible to drop everything and fly out last minute to Europe. When my dad’s brother died in Poland when we were young, my dad fly out alone while my mom stayed home with the kids. Similarly, when my uncle’s mother died a few years ago in Poland, my uncle flew out to Poland but my aunt stayed home to run their business while he was away. To me, it seems completely reasonable that the bf wouldn’t travel to Europe for the funeral.

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      • avatar

        Northern Star June 19, 2017, 12:26 pm

        I agree with BGM. The other reasons not to marry Greg are apparent (gut feeling), but it’s not fair to hold it against him that he couldn’t drop thousands of dollars and risk his job to go to her mother’s funeral. I mean, risk his JOB?! Come on!

        Some people can’t travel internationally to go to their OWN mother’s funeral. Finances and job situations don’t allow for it.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy June 19, 2017, 12:40 pm

        Yeah, I’m not arguing that he should definitely have been at the funeral, but I do think it should have been made very clear to the LW how much he wanted to be there and how he at least seriously looked into what it would take to get there (what it would cost to change his christmas flight, running it past the new boss), and then I think he should have done *something* to show support long distance. Maybe he did and the LW doesn’t mention it, but reading between the lines, it sounds like Greg was a little dismissive of the LW’s grief, and didn’t even use the Christmas visit as an opportunity to make up for not being able to be at the funeral.

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      • Cleopatra Jones

        Cleopatra Jones June 19, 2017, 12:58 pm

        A woman he didn’t know meant, the mother. Not the girlfriend. My take on the letter was that he either didn’t know the mother or didn’t know her very well.
        .
        I’m not arguing that his job should come before his family, absolutely not. But logistically, it may not have been feasible for him to drop everything and go to an international funeral for his girlfriend (she wasn’t his fiancee at the time). It sucks but it’s reality. If he didn’t show his support in another way, then yes, he’s an ass.
        .
        I won’t discount him because he didn’t leave his brand new job, and embark on an international trip for her mother’s funeral. That’s where it seems rom-comish to me. That seems like a plot from a movie in which the guy drops everything (no matter the risk) to fly half way around the world to be with his girlfriend. I just don’t know many people who would or could do that.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy June 19, 2017, 1:08 pm

        You don’t go to funerals for the people who died – you go to support the people they left behind who are grieving. So, it wouldn’t have mattered if he’d never met his girlfriend’s mother. He wouldn’t be going for the mother — he’d be going for his girlfriend! Ok, so he couldn’t leave work for a last-minute international flight, fine. But to argue that that was no big deal because he probably hadn’t even met the woman is misguided.

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      • avatar

        wobster109 June 19, 2017, 1:18 pm

        Sometimes presentation really is everything, even if the action is the same. For example, he could have said, “I’m so sorry that I can’t be there. I talked to my boss who said there was no way, but I’ll call you during lunch and right after work. Also I’m ordering flowers to be delivered to the service. My thoughts are with you even if I can’t be there in person. You can call me any time if you need anything. When I visit for Christmas we’ll visit her grave together.”

        This would communicate two things: 1) he can’t go, and 2) he cares about it very much. There are more ways to show support than going, but it’s important to show some kind of support.

        He could have said that, but from the letter it was probably more like, “it will be ok, I’ll see you for Christmas anyway”. I can see why he’d want to avoid talking about it. He probably feels awkward and self-conscious and doesn’t know what to say. But this kind of cursory response can make a grieving person feel like he doesn’t “get it” or doesn’t care.

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      • avatar

        MMR June 20, 2017, 9:05 am

        Ya, this is more about feeling supported than him actually making the trip for the funeral. It sounds like Greg doesn’t know how to empathize. I like @wobster109 – “Some times presentation really is everything”.

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    • avatar

      Janelle June 19, 2017, 2:18 pm

      Making every effort. This isn’t from NY to D.C. This is a huge trip, last minute. Yes yes he should be supportive but he shouldn’t lose his job and ability to survive for a funeral. Mothers die. We all know our mother likely will die in our lifetime. It’s difficult but it’s a fact of life. Sometimes people cannot turn their life upside down for a funeral. I agree the funeral seemed to be the last straw because it seems he wasn’t supportive prior. In that case ya that’s crappy. If it is just about the funeral however it is a big thing for him. I’m sorry I have to have a roof over my head and food before I worry about a funeral. Life goes on for the living.

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  • avatar

    Fyodor June 19, 2017, 10:06 am

    I don’t think that Greg is trying to trick or manipulate you but if you have a kid here it is very difficult, if not impossible to move the kid to Denmark without the consent of both parents (as it should be). So if he changes his mind or you marriage falls apart, the kid is staying in NYC.

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    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover June 19, 2017, 4:31 pm

      This was my thought exactly. Have kids in the US, and they’re staying in the US. Because frankly it doesn’t sound like Greg has any intention of moving to Denmark. And if he doesn’t want to let the kids go, they won’t be going.

      Decide where you want to raise the kids, and that’s where you should have them. That’s a general rule of thumb though – in this specific situation I think you should break up because you clearly don’t want to marry him.

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  • Portia

    Portia June 19, 2017, 10:07 am

    LW, please listen to Wendy. Everything about your letter says that Greg is not the guy for you. Please don’t let your fear of the unknown push you to marry someone your gut is telling you not to marry – listen to that little voice that was shouting “no no no” and break it off, for good.

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  • avatar

    Northern Star June 19, 2017, 10:19 am

    “I was feeling completely unsure of my feelings and to this day I still am.” Then you don’t marry this person. You don’t make that kind of commitment unless you are sure (or at least pretty darn sure). Getting married would be foolish. You’re old enough to know better.

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  • avatar

    Janelle June 19, 2017, 10:48 am

    I truly don’t get why she is so upset. He didn’t risk losing his job to attend a funeral VERY far away for a woman he never met. Yes he should support you but what happens when he can’t financially support himself and lives on the streets. This doesn’t strike me as very awful even though disappointing. Then you find out he was dating someone until he started dating you. And? So?

    I am completely unsure what the problem is. He sounds lovely, send him my number.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph June 20, 2017, 5:21 am

      I think she means she found recent texts from someone he used to date aka that he was starting back up with her while they were on a break.
      I agree it’s not that egregious but it doesn’t matter. If you’re not excited to spend the rest of your life with someone, you don’t marry them.

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  • juliecatharine

    Juliecatharine June 19, 2017, 10:55 am

    Don’t get married. You two have grown apart during times of adversity, not together; that is a horrible sign of what your future will hold. Your communication is poor and expectations for each other are hazy. These are all crucial elements to a healthy marriage. I’ve been married 7 months, I am 37, I met my husband at 33. You have plenty of time, do not resign yourself to someone you aren’t sure about. Life is long, choose your partner wisely.

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  • avatar

    artsygirl June 19, 2017, 11:16 am

    It would be completely reasonable to be nervous about relocating and getting married, but this is not nerves according to your letter. This is a deep part of you feeling that you are making a big mistake because ultimately you do not feel that Greg is the right partner. I know of two people that realized they were making a mistake getting married (it went well beyond “wedding jitters”) and guess what – both of them were divorced within a year.

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  • avatar

    Iskhabibble June 19, 2017, 11:18 am

    I wonder if jobs are more secure in Denmark, so that its easier to get time off of a new job for a funeral without the risk of losing it? Because frankly, taking time off a brand new job is incredibly risky in the US. How was he going to afford all these flights to see you/attend the funeral without a job?

    So I sympathize with him on that one. It is worrisome that you felt so alone when your mother died–he should have tried to support you more from a distance–but I also think you should be aware that you might have felt sad and alone no matter who was there, because your mother died.

    However, it also sounds like you don’t want to marry him. I really think there have got to be single guys in Copenhagen, right? 30 is the perfect age to find someone who wants to settle down.

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    • avatar

      Ale June 19, 2017, 2:27 pm

      I do wonder how LW can take two months off and then go back…

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph June 20, 2017, 5:28 am

      Jobs are more secure pretty much everywhere than the US. It’s standard for European countries to have lots of leave and frequently a summer holiday period where life slows down so it’s not so weird that she was able to take a couple months off. Another reason she shouldn’t move to the U.S. Kiss those worker protections goodbye.

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  • TheLadyE

    TheLadyE June 19, 2017, 12:11 pm

    Maybe it’s because I’m a few years on the other side of it, but 30 is seriously not at all the huge END many 20somethings think it is. 30 these days is still incredibly young. I am in my mid-30s and I see women 10+ years older than I am starting their lives over, and I don’t doubt that if I were in my mid-40s I’d be seeing the same thing. The harder thing is when you have a child or children to think about along with yourself. LW, listen to Wendy and please take it from me and other 30somethings here that 30 is not the end of the line you think it is. It’s really no different than 28. I know a woman who thought she was going to get married at 34, went through a horrific breakup, met another guy, was married at 36/37 (I forget?) and at 40 has two beautiful boys. I know another woman who didn’t even meet her husband until she was 37 and he was 30 and had her first child at 40. A third woman divorced her husband at 41ish and is remarried at 44-45, with 3 kids and now 3 stepkids. I have to say, getting married for the first time at 37 seems way easier than being the Brady Bunch at 45, but it worked out for all of them.

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    • avatar

      findingtheearth June 19, 2017, 3:59 pm

      I turn 31 in a month. I still feel very young and like there is more than enough time to find a mate

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  • avatar

    Lucy June 19, 2017, 12:40 pm

    #Same to all the people who don’t think his missing the funeral is a deal breaker. I’ve been there; I missed my own grandmother’s funeral for the same reason. It’s nice that other people can just drop everything and leave the country on week two of their new job, but it doesn’t work for everyone.

    What I get from this letter overall is that you two are sorely lacking in communication and problem solving skills. Your 20s are the time to build those skills. So, build them with Greg or with someone else, but build them. They won’t appear out of thin air; they require work.

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  • avatar

    Essie June 19, 2017, 12:45 pm

    This is absurd. It’s absurd to be even thinking about marrying this man, at this point in your relationship. It’s over. It’s been over for a long time. And you’re actually going to commit yourself to marrying someone you have this many doubts about…..why?

    Because you think it’s better to be married to someone, anyone, than not be married? And you’re not even 30 yet?

    My god. Do you really care so little about yourself and your life and your happiness?

    Stop. Say goodbye to Greg, who actually ISN’T the only possible partner on Earth, and spend some time thinking about what you want out of life. Other than a ring.

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  • avatar

    carolann June 19, 2017, 12:53 pm

    I am also with BGM. I understand about the funeral. Her Mom had an illness, it doesn’t sound like she died suddenly. Not that it matters, really,but she should have had some time to deal with her death before she passed. She was having unrealistic expectations to expect him to drop everything and go. I don’t think a new boss would take “my girlfriend in Denmark’s Mom died” as a legit bereavement excuse. The guy has a living to make. What if taking off caused him to lose his job,apt,etc?
    I do think that his not being forthcoming about dating other people is an issue. He should have been clear about that.
    Either way, things would not suddenly change if they got married. She has expectations of him I don’t think he will ever live up to.
    I got married at 36. Had a baby at 37 and another at 43. Too many woman marry the wrong guy simply because they are in a hurry. She will possibly miss out on the right guy if she marries the wrong one. Although, I don’t think this guy is so awful… He still isn’t the one for her.

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  • avatar

    Ron June 19, 2017, 1:24 pm

    When LW decided she needed to take a break, that was almost equivalent to saying it was over. Really what is a ‘break’ from an LDR? Why would you expect the person you declared a break from not to date others. The letter reads like she was angry and the ‘break’ was his punishment and she is pissed that instead of sitting at home an suffering, he found somebody else to date. LDRs are difficult. You won’t always have the comfort of physical presence in tough times. A lot of jobs will not give time off for ‘vacation’ /personal issues in the first half year. After working there a year, my wife had to take a personal day to attend my mother’s (local) funeral, since the bank regarded a MIL as not close enough to justify a personal emergency day. That’s how employers have been in the US since the days of Reagan.

    Dating/marrying someone from another country is also difficult. Leaving your birth country, when it is not a hell hole, is a tough thing to do. That’s why LW and bf are having a tough time agreeing where to live and when.

    I think it is a bit unrealistic to expect to meet someone in their own country, live with them for a couple of years, fall in love, and just expect that you will live in your home country, where your SO has never lived. Obviously LW can negotiate English, I doubt her bf can negotiate Danish.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros June 19, 2017, 7:42 pm

      Good points. I cringed a little when she complained that he thought he might lose his job and wouldn’t come. I think that he probably failed to support her in other ways, which made his absence feel worse, but I can’t imagine expecting my partner to give up their job for something like that. Jobs are not easy to come by, and they are important for stuff like paying the bills and eating (and visiting long-distance girlfriends).

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  • avatar

    Brise June 19, 2017, 1:55 pm

    You seem to me like a complicated person. Everything in your letter revolves around yourself. Long distance relationships are about loyalty. You got a proposal that you were probably longing for. This melancholy about your mother – I understand the sorrow – has probably more to do with your own mourning, and fear of commitment with a man who is far away and not so interested in moving to Denmark, than with his shortcomings. So your question is: do you accept to move back to the US? If not, your answer is there: it is your own decision, not his fault because he failed you at your mother’s funeral. Be frank and honest with yourself.

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  • avatar

    dmarie June 19, 2017, 2:32 pm

    Don’t marry this guy! I think you know that you shouldn’t. It doesn’t really matter who is right or wrong here; it only matters that your gut and common sense are telling you that you need to get out.
    It sounds like your age is getting to you a bit. Maybe you haven’t done everything you wanted to by 30. I get it. I’m reaching that same milestone this summer and have been feeling the same way sometimes. I’m married with 3 kids and there are things I haven’t done. In fact I bet you have done some of those things because of your different path. You can still have everything you want and frankly we are still young! lol Don’t waste your time with this dude.

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  • avatar

    findingtheearth June 19, 2017, 4:00 pm

    As someone who is also 30, I don’t really understand the whole “no other relationships will happen” bit. I don’t even really worry about it. Life happens and relationships come and go. It’s better to be single and know yourself and your worth than be miserable and unhappy

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  • avatar

    Lee June 19, 2017, 4:45 pm

    I don’t think this is about who’s right or who’s wrong – or whether he’s great or a complete turd. Relationships are about compromise and support on both sides. Adversity didn’t bring you together, instead, it highlighted the very important values that you two don’t see eye-to-eye on.

    You don’t need a man by your side to be your brightest, most empowered self; but, when someone does come along and enhances those feelings, then you’ve hit the jackpot. 😉

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  • avatar

    Dalben June 19, 2017, 4:54 pm

    Also, five years in a relationship is a long time to without getting engaged (or otherwise seriously planning your future together if marriage isn’t what you want at the time). This sounds more like the relationship just continued out of inertia.

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  • avatar

    Kate June 19, 2017, 5:36 pm

    Don’t marry him. Be ok on your own for a while. You need to and you can. You’ll be shocked at how ok you can be when you lose something you thought you had to hang onto but wasn’t actually serving you well. A guy, a job, a friendship, whatever it is.

    Anyway, I’ve been married twice, and trust me, you should not move forward if you feel like this. Just no. It will be a disaster, and think how much more time you would waste.

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  • FireStar

    Firestar June 19, 2017, 6:23 pm

    30 is young. This isn’t your last rodeo. This isn’t the guy for you. Life is full of hardship my dear. Supporting a long distance girlfriend with a sick mother isn’t that hard. You don’t have to sacrifice anything but your time. Maybe some money in sending flowers. You don’t have to go to her house and do laundry or cook meals or drive to doctor’s appointments. Or anything that real support looks like. So if he couldn’t do the bare minimum then it doesn’t bode well. Not if you’re sick. Or on bed rest. Or dealing with another family emergency. It doesn’t matter if he showed to the funeral. He already checked out before then. Oh and a proposal when things aren’t going like gangbusters is a red flag. That’s a proposal born of fear of losing you. Just like your yes was. If you want to ultimately live in Denmark find someone there. I don’t think Greg is leaving the USA ever.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros June 19, 2017, 7:40 pm

    Don’t marry him. Anyone who marries someone even though their engagement makes them cry and they thought “no no no” when they gave their answer is making a huge mistake. This isn’t the 1800s. You should marry someone who you are not currently resenting and actually feel supported by.

    The thing that people who marry out of fear of being alone fail to realize is that there’s no guarantee that marrying someone will ensure you’re not alone. In fact, marrying someone despite lots of relationship problems means that your likelihood of getting divorce at some point is fairly high. Even in happy relationships, unfortunately, you may also lose a partner. Marrying someone who isn’t right for you won’t guarantee you won’t be alone, but it will basically guarantee you won’t be happy. And honestly, there’s tons of people in their 30s who are single. It’s not the end of the world. It’s maybe not preferable, but surely you can learn how to be happy without relying on a partner for that, right?

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      dinoceros June 19, 2017, 7:41 pm

      And in practical terms, do you really want to go through the expense of having a wedding just to most likely get divorced and do it all over again later?

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    Morecoffeeplease June 20, 2017, 6:43 am

    My mom married my dad bc she was close to 30 and thought this was her chance even though deep inside she too was thinking no-no-no. It did not end well…they lasted about 5 years and then bitterly divorced and both can’t stand each other to this day 40 years later. I am thinking you two are not a match. When someone asks you to marry them you should feel happy and excited! When your parent dies your significant other should be by your side or at the very least be calling you daily, texting, sending flowers, and supporting you in every way they can. You cannot forgive him. What is he doing or saying to apologize or acknowledge not supporting you? You have to put your career on hold. Not good. I know that this leads to resentment later. Resentment leads to contempt. You two don’t communicate well…he dated someone else during your breakup. You wrote him a letter instead of talking face to face. It sounds like you never really and truly dealt with this. Does he really want to move to Copenhagen? Will he? If not are you happy staying in the U.S.? I don’t know…to me it doesn’t seem like this will work in the long run.

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    Leslie Joan June 20, 2017, 7:13 am

    What you are describing is the “sunk cost” fallacy: because you’ve spent 5 years with him, and because you want to be married, you will say yes when you really know that it isn’t going to work.

    I agree with BGM, except for the part about how well did he know the mom. How well he knew the mom doesn’t matter: he couldn’t get time off in a new job. That’s a harsh reality. We need jobs to live. But it doesn’t matter, you wanted him there, and you are never going to forgive him for that, as you yourself acknowledge. You looked at his phone and were unhappy to see that he’d been involved with someone else during the break – and, you are holding that against him too, even though in my book, he has reason to be pissed that you’re snooping in his phone.

    I’m surprised he proposed to you, but it’s on you for saying yes when you know that you mean no. You are angry at the guy and really don’t want to be with him. Don’t hold him responsible for your failure to say no. End it now. And there must be lots of guys in Copenhagen, and a better social support system. Make a decision for yourself and don’t be passive.

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  • meadowphoenix

    meadowphoenix June 20, 2017, 8:33 am

    You don’t even have a job in NY? Do you even have a company that is willing to sponsor you or are you hoping something just pops up?!

    Also, since everybody’s talking about how it’s crazy it is to expect someone to come internationally after getting a new job ( I don’t disagree; the US is not vacation/time-off friendly): you know what’s really crazy?
    LEAVING SOCIALIZED HEALTHCARE FOR THIS AMERICAN SHITFIRE THAT IS ABOUT TO DESTROY WHOLE METAPHORICAL FORESTS WITHOUT EVEN A JOB.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy June 20, 2017, 8:49 am

      I don’t disagree with that! Stay where you have socialized healthcare (and maternity leave and childcare, too!!).

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