Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I Have Only Met My Boyfriend Two Times”

I am a 27-year-old who’s “dating” a 32-year-old who lives 20 minutes away. I started talking to him 2-3 years ago on Facebook, but I didn’t meet him for the first time until this past October (he was in and out of relationships in between that time). After I saw him it was all sparks! We had a really great time. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and he felt the same way.

This is the part where I’m confused: I didn’t see him for three months after we met. I finally saw him again a few weeks ago. I know you’re probably thinking I’m crazy, but I’m just trying to figure him out. He never makes time for me. I keep asking him when am I going to see him and he replies, “I’ll make time for you baby – I’ve been busy.” We text on a daily basis. He said “I love you” (I was shocked), but it’s all talk no action. It’s too much for me with all these mind games. Please help me! — Tired of Mind Games

It’s early in the morning and I’m leaving for the airport in five minutes to head back to New York after a weekend getaway in Chicago. I have to make this short, which is perfect because the answer is simple: MOA.

You are not dating this guy and he does not love you. Love is making time for someone. Love is being there. Love is knowing you mean something. Love is action.

***************

You can follow me on Facebook here and Twitter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

44 comments… add one
  • Lyra

    Lyra March 4, 2014, 9:06 am

    Wait…you only live 20 minutes away and he can’t make time for you? That’s stupid. “I’ve been busy” is a cop out, stupid excuse. Move on and find a man who will actually make time for you.

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    • Lyra

      Lyra March 4, 2014, 9:16 am

      Also, his actions hold a lot more weight than his words. He says he’s going to do all these things but he does something totally different. That in itself should tell you a lot about his character.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 March 4, 2014, 9:07 am

    He still has a girlfriend, it’s just not you.

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    • avatar

      MMcG March 4, 2014, 11:50 am

      Or a wife 😉

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  • avatar

    Alecia March 4, 2014, 9:11 am

    Wendy said everything I was thinking.

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  • Nookie

    Nookie March 4, 2014, 9:13 am

    Please dump this guy and aim higher next time, you deserve better.

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    • avatar

      bethany March 4, 2014, 10:14 am

      She can’t dump him, because she’s not even dating him!!!

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  • GatorGirl

    GatorGirl March 4, 2014, 9:14 am

    At least you’re smart enough to put dating in quotes.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle March 4, 2014, 9:36 am

      haha I was thinking the same thing. And the line “you probably think I’m crazy…” shows a glimmer of self-awareness, too. There’s hope for this LW!

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    • avatar

      ktfran March 4, 2014, 9:36 am

      Hands down best response. Although bagge’s made me chuckle.

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  • LlamaPajamas

    LlamaPajamas March 4, 2014, 9:16 am

    When I was online dating I had a strict rule that I would only email/message/text/whatever with a guy for around week before we had to meet in person, otherwise I cut off contact. I didn’t come up with this myself – I’d read this advice several places and think a lot of online daters do this. I’m not usually in favor of incorporating rules into dating but this was really necessary because it’s so easy to get emotionally involved with someone you text or email on a daily basis without knowing anything of substance about them. This is going to sound harsh but this guy isn’t your boyfriend. Like, not even remotely. And the fact that he tells you he loves you and wants to make time for you but then doesn’t when he lives just 20 minutes away means that he doesn’t actually love you or want to spend time with you. Sorry.

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  • avatar

    Laura Hope March 4, 2014, 9:18 am

    This is a flirtation, not a relationship. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s married.

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    • Lianne

      Lianne March 4, 2014, 9:21 am

      I thought the same thing! Married!!

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      • LlamaPajamas

        LlamaPajamas March 4, 2014, 9:25 am

        Yeah, the headline should read “I’ve only met my married Facebook friend two times”.

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      • avatar

        MsMisery March 4, 2014, 12:44 pm

        Forreal. I have Facebook friends that live on the other side of the country who I’ve met more than twice.

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      • avatar

        simonthegrey March 4, 2014, 4:25 pm

        I have a facebook friend on the other side of the PLANET that I have met more than twice.

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      • avatar

        MsMisery March 5, 2014, 12:41 pm

        FINE! You win, I don’t want to fight!

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    • possumgirl

      Jenn March 4, 2014, 2:54 pm

      Or in the pokey (or halfway house, mental institution, etc) with some weekend passes.

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  • FireStar

    FireStar March 4, 2014, 9:18 am

    You say you’re trying to figure him out but maybe try and figure out why you would even consider this to be any kind of romantic relationship. He is easy. He’s married/with someone and has you – far, far – on the side to get his ego stroked. Why you think you are involved with this guy is the bigger issue. Turn your mind to that and deal with whatever self esteem issues you need to work through. Oh and FYI you weren’t dating – for future reference you can tell this because there were no dates …just random meetings months apart.

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  • avatar

    artsygirl March 4, 2014, 9:22 am

    My commute to work is between 20 and 30 minutes and I manage to do that twice a day (sometimes more), five days a week. You do not have a BF – you have a local pen pal.

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    • avatar

      ktfran March 4, 2014, 9:40 am

      Right? My favorite bar is 50 minutes away by bus / walking and I’ll easily travel that to hang out there. It’s probably a good thing it isn’t a 10 minute walk.

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  • avatar

    Painted_lady March 4, 2014, 9:33 am

    WWS. Let me rephrase your question back at you: “I like this guy a lot. We’ve been talking for years, but he’s been dating all these girls who aren’t me. I only got him to show up to a meeting after a really long time (and you didn’t say that, but, um, given all the other info, I bet it was you asking him). And then it took a long time for a second meeting. He only lives 20 minutes away, but he says he’s too busy to see me and won’t make plans again. I’m attracted to him, and he’s said he’s attracted to me but he won’t see me.”

    No one is so busy that they can’t take an hour for lunch here and there. And if not lunch, then coffee, or drinks, or a quick trip for ice cream or SOMETHING. The president of the United States has the spare time for that. And if he doesn’t, he shouldn’t be dating. And if you can’t recognize a rejection for what it is instead of what you would like it to be, maybe take a break from dating for a bit.

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki March 4, 2014, 10:59 am

      I totally agree with you. But then I got lost because of the sentence right after the one about the president. My first thought was “the president shouldn’t be dating… he’s married!” and then I got lost.

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      • avatar

        Painted_lady March 4, 2014, 4:21 pm

        Ha, yeahhhh, so I wrote that as my coffee was brewing. Well, I should say, as my hot water was brewing because I forgot to put the coffee in the coffee maker. So…yeah….I will hopefully not make either of those mistakes again.

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  • avatar

    joanna March 4, 2014, 9:41 am

    I have a rule about Facebook. I only add people I know in real life. No strangers on my list. Makes things a lot easier.

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    • othy

      othy March 4, 2014, 10:23 am

      Agreed. Sorry to all you DW folk I haven’t met. And no offense if I turn down your invites 😉

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    • avatar

      bethany March 4, 2014, 10:53 am

      Yeah, me too. Being FB friends with people you’ve never met is weird.

      Not.
      🙂

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      • avatar

        rachel March 4, 2014, 11:11 am

        You guys aren’t strangers though. I think I know more about my dw friends I’ve never met in real life than I do about the random people I’m friends with from high school.

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    • avatar

      Banana March 4, 2014, 1:19 pm

      That’s why I wonder, every time we see a letter like this…HOW did she meet a complete stranger on FB? I know it’s possible, I just don’t get how people find each other/how that’s not immediately super creepy to the findee. I mean, I’ll FB friend people I haven’t met IRL, but that I’m online friends with (like DWers), or people in my professional network that I have mutual friends with, but haven’t met personally; but I don’t get how you just “meet” a COMPLETE stranger on FB. Hm.

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest March 4, 2014, 9:43 am

    I feel sorry for you. You seem to know this makes no sense, but so want for a relationship that you are trying to trick yourself into it making sense. That’s why you even wrote in here-hoping Wendy would give you a glimmer of hope. You know this is nonsense, so either enjoy the attention you are getting and accept that all you will get are texts from someone who very likely has a significant other already, or stop accepting the nonsense and find things to do to fill your time and enjoy your life as a single person.

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  • muchachaenlaventana

    muchachaenlaventana March 4, 2014, 9:50 am

    Yeah WEES. It sounds like sadly he is probably married or in another relationship and wanting a little sauce on the side. MOA.

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  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow March 4, 2014, 9:57 am

    Even if he’s NOT married or in a relationship (big IF), whyyy would you cling to this? This is even less than crumbs, as DWers would say. And why wouldn’t you run the other way when a guy who’s met you twice proclaimed (presumably via text) that he “loves” you? Sparks, shmarks. Go find your sparks somewhere else. I promise you can.

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  • avatar

    Laura Hope March 4, 2014, 9:59 am

    Has anyone else noticed that the multiplication problems (you have to fill out to submit a comment) are getting harder? Now we’re getting into double digits. When the questions become word problems involving the speed of various trains moving in different directions, I’m out.

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    • Lianne

      Lianne March 4, 2014, 10:14 am

      If you log in, you should only have to do that to log in, not comment every time. And my browser allows me to “stay logged in” so I haven’t had to do it in a while.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 4, 2014, 10:32 am

        That’s great advice Lianne…if you can get past the 8 * box = 40!!

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      • Lianne

        Lianne March 4, 2014, 10:49 am

        I may or may not have used a calculator 😉

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle March 4, 2014, 11:05 am

        yeah, I definitely had to break out my calculator for some of these, not gonna lie. hahaha

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  • avatar

    bethany March 4, 2014, 10:12 am

    You’re not dating him. It’s really that simple.

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  • Stonegypsy

    Stonegypsy March 4, 2014, 10:57 am

    WEES
    And something that has been said on here many times: If someone is interested in you, if they want to spend time with you, they will make time with you.
    Aim higher, find someone who actually wants to spend time with you, not just someone who says they totally do and they’ve just been suuuuper busy, babe, don’t even worry.

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  • Crochet.Ninja

    Crochet.Ninja March 4, 2014, 11:18 am

    this is not dating, and he is not your boyfriend. I might take that if he was cross country – but he’s 20 minutes away. MOA>

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  • avatar

    Ivory March 4, 2014, 11:43 am

    He’s only seen you twice because those are the only times his wife has been out of town.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark March 4, 2014, 11:44 am

    If you call THIS dating — I can’t wait for the update to hear what you claim it means to be married.

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    • Stonegypsy

      Stonegypsy March 4, 2014, 12:57 pm

      Follow-up letter: “I’ve been married for 4 years (we eloped to Vegas), but I haven’t seen my husband since our honeymoon. I talk to him once every few weeks and he says he loves me and he’s coming back into town in a few months, and that I shouldn’t worry. How do I convince him to come live with me? Our daughter really wants to meet him”

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  • avatar

    Lucy March 4, 2014, 1:48 pm

    Yeah, LW, I do think you might be a little crazy. I mean, why are you bothering? Do you really have so little else going on in your life that you have time to waste wondering about the motivations of this non-boyfriend? You only get one life. Is this kind of bs really the way you want to spend it?

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