I’m in love with him and I want us to be a couple, but I’m a lil hesitant because I feel like we don’t fully know each other to be around my kids 24/7 and I don’t want to be the reason why his son won’t have his dad around. So many years have passed. We talk all the time though. I’m struggling with the choice of either going forward and building a new life together or leaving him alone. I’m trying to distance myself from him but it only makes me want him more. What should I do? — Wanting My First Love
Oh, honey, this has ‘wrong on so many levels’ written all over it. You aren’t in love with this guy; you’re in love with the idea of moving backward to a time when life was simpler. You’re in love with the idea of being with someone who isn’t your husband and doesn’t carry the same baggage that he does. You’re in love with the idea of building a future with someone else — someone who makes you feel young and carefree again. But that’s not reality. Leaving your husband to live with a man you’ve spent one day with out of the last many, many years — a man who would have to leave his country and his son and the mother of his child to live with you and your kids whom he’s never met — I’m assuming — is cuh-razy.
How would he even live in your country? How would he get a visa? Where would he work? When would he see his son?
You know what, forget all that. You don’t know this man!! You’ve spent ONE DAY with him as an adult. You don’t know what life is like with him on a daily basis. You have two young children! How are you going to take them away from their father and move them in with some dude you hardly know? That’s bonkers.
You say you get along with your husband OK. You say he wants to try to make things work out. That and the fact that you have TWO KIDS TOGETHER is enough reason to work on things. I mean, come on. Get your head out of the sand. This isn’t some fantasy world where you get to run off with guy you’ve decided is your Prince Charming and live happily ever after. This is real life. There aren’t any Prince Charmings. There are men who are good and decent people, but have flaws like the rest of us. There’s a man you’re married to who is the father of your two children, who loves you and wants a future with you, and you don’t want to at least TRY to make that work?
Quit being so selfish. Think about your family. Think about the kind of future you want to give your kids. Think about the man you at least loved enough at one time to marry and commit your life to. Don’t throw that all away on some dumb fantasy of a man you’ve created in your imagination based on adolescent memories and one lost day you spent together when you were trying to escape your reality.
Be better than that. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids. They deserve all the stability you can give them.
You can follow me on Facebook here an Twitter here.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at email@example.com.