Is it really that easy to determine there is not a connection? I have had to work at almost everything that I have accomplished, so when someone says, “I don’t feel a connection,” I think this person is unwilling to make the effort to build a relationship. I am somewhat recently divorced, but I don’t remember thinking or hearing anything about making “a connection,” when I was younger and dating.
Is a “connection” like an energy or excitement? If so, how does one build the energy or excitement and make a “connection”? There must be some elements that are needed to ensure the “connection” is made, right? If so, what can I do to ensure “connections” are made?
P.S. I have been told by friends and others that I look much younger than my age and that I am a nice guy, so I can’t help but think that I should have more success at this dating thing. What is going on? — Wanting a Connection
Well, if you’re on a date with someone and things are seemingly going OK until an awkward pause after which the woman you’re out with starts looking for a way to make a quick exit, then you are saying or doing something before that awkward pause that is not normal. In general, even people who aren’t necessarily “feeling a connection” will wait until a date is over and the bill has been paid before they make their exit. If, on multiple occasions, women are giving you blank looks before they dart their eyes around for an escape, you are the problem, and the lack of connection is an excuse your dates use to quickly get away from you.
I promise you, it is not what you look like that is causing this reaction/rejection, so your looking much younger than your age is not going to save you. You are saying or doing something so inflammatory or threatening that it is causing women to flee your presence, and you need to do some self-reflecting to figure out what that might be.
As for your question about what a “connection” is in reference to dating: A connection is when you feel drawn to a person and believe the interest to be reciprocal. It can feel like an energy of sorts, but is most often a feeling that you’ve met someone you really like and want to get to know better, and you believe that feeling is mutual. You do not need to “put effort” into feeling a connection. It’s a natural, organic thing — it’s either there or it isn’t, and if it’s not, there is nothing to “build a relationship” on.
When a woman says she “doesn’t feel a connection” with you, she isn’t lying. But when she says it to abruptly end a date, she most likely isn’t giving the entire reason she’s leaving, which is probably that you’ve said or done something creepy. If it were only one woman who had done this, I might say that’s just her style, but when multiple women are reacting to you like that — in a way that isn’t typical (because leaving in the middle of a date isn’t typical) — YOU are the common denominator. You are the one who is doing or saying something atypical to get the reaction you’re getting. (And it’s not the woman’s job to tell you what it is you’re doing. It’s your job to figure it out yourself.)
I would think long and hard about being in the presence as well as the present-tense with a man who has a criminal record, makes threats against you, and doesn’t trust you. For him to believe so strongly that you called the police on him, he must have done or said something to warrant that kind of reaction. Maybe you SHOULD have called the police. At the very least, you should protect yourself and stay the hell away from someone who threatens you to the point that he worries you’ll turn him in.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.