It’s Wedding Week on Dear Wendy! This week will be chock-full of wedding columns, gift guides, dollar dances and an open bar. If you love wedding content, this is your lucky week. If you hate wedding content, this is your lucky week because–-open bar! But just kidding about the open bar.
I decided that I wanted to take a trip with my bridesmaids to a nearby state that is about four hours away. I asked one of these two friends I talk to regularly to ask the other bridesmaids if they would like to go on a trip, but I mainly just wanted to go with my two friends and I knew that not all of the ladies would be able to go since we are all adults and have different responsibilities. Still, I made it clear that I wanted whoever wanted to go to come along. I also stated that this trip is what I wanted for my bacherlorette party and that I would be financially responsible for all of my own expenses.
Well, my two friends started planning and decided that they wanted to do something else for a bachelorette party as a surprise for me. Obviously, I was not aware of any of that, so I continued planning for this trip for over two months and I was extremely excited. Then I was informed that the bridesmaids had decided to throw a bacherlorette party elsewhere — at a destination two hours away that we have been to many times together — and that I should plan the trip that I wanted “some other time” and also that I “should be grateful for anything that they decided to do.”
After an argument about this, I decided that I didn’t want anything at that point because the trip had been tarnished for me. And now I feel I haven’t been able to share my moment because I don’t feel I have their support or happiness for me as their friend. I must also include that I am an only child. My father is deceased and I have no relationship with my mother and I really have no other family whom I am close to. These girls are like my sisters.
I have recently reached out to these two ladies and told them how I feel and that I am not able to share this special time in my life with them because I feel like they aren’t interested. I have not received any response. I am now at the point where I feel like I have honestly tried to preserve this relationship, but I feel as though this friendship is no longer wanted by the other parties and I do not believe in staying where I am not welcomed. At this point, I feel they should not be a part of such a special day in my life. I love these girls truly, but I don’t want to feel any animosity by having them stand beside me on my special day. Please HELP!!! — Blown-off Bride
I guess I’m really confused. You have bridesmaids whom you don’t speak to regularly? Of your seven bridesmaids, you only speak to two regularly, and, of those two, you only maintain a close relationship to one, even though they’re both “like sisters” to you? And you were out of touch with those two friends for a couple of years until relatively recently? And those are the two you asked to ask the other bridesmaids to go on a trip with you? But you didn’t talk to the other bridesmaids yourself? You planned the trip on your own, without directly asking for feedback from the five other people who would be attending? Your two friends — the ones you talk to regularly — planned a “nice bachelorette party” for you, but, because you’ve been there many times and because they said you could plan your other trip another time, you are so upset that you don’t think you can be friends with them anymore? But it sounds like you aren’t really friends with your other five bridesmaids? Am I understanding all of this right? (I emailed this to the LW and she responded “yes,” fyi).
Well, then, I’m sorry, but I think you ARE being ungrateful. For all you know, the other five bridesmaids didn’t want to spend the money to go on a trip out of state, particularly since you didn’t even invite them or plan with them directly. It sounds like you actually didn’t even care if they went at all, and they probably felt that. The two bridesmaids you’re actually friends with probably didn’t want to spend the money either. As a bride, it’s actually really tacky to plan your own bachelorette party. And it’s really tacky to plan it yourself and then GET MAD when the bridesmaids decide they’d rather organize something else for you — maybe something that is more affordable and more convenient for them and for the other bridesmaids but that you would still enjoy.
Finally, I don’t understand why on earth you’d have five bridesmaids you don’t speak to regularly and don’t really consider friends. This might be the most perplexing part of your letter.
It sounds like you don’t have many friends and you don’t have close family. If I were you, I’d start acting a little more grateful for the time and effort your few friends HAVE put into organizing a party for you — a party you say sounds nice at a place you enjoy going. Honestly, to throw a fit that a bunch of people you don’t even speak to don’t especially want to take a trip out of town is super bridezilla-y. To plan your own destination bachelorette party yourself and get angry when people can’t join you but instead plan an alternative that they hope you will enjoy is . . . well, it doesn’t make you sound all that nice or understanding. This may be your “special day,” but it doesn’t mean everyone else’s lives revolve around it or that they don’t love you and care for you and support you if they can’t leave their families/jobs/what-have-you for a weekend away.
If I were you, I’d apologize to your friends, tell them you’ve been overwhelmed by the details of planning your wedding, and tell them you hope they understand and forgive your recent behavior. Then assure them that you ARE grateful for their support and are happy they will be there to celebrate such a happy and important milestone in your life.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.