Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I Planned My Own Bachelorette Party and My Bridesmaids are Bailing on it!”

It’s Wedding Week on Dear Wendy! This week will be chock-full of wedding columns, gift guides, dollar dances and an open bar. If you love wedding content, this is your lucky week. If you hate wedding content, this is your lucky week because–-open bar! But just kidding about the open bar.

jilted bride

I will be getting married soon and I have several friends whom I’ve included in my wedding as bridesmaids. I have known all of these ladies for at least 10 years. I have two friends whom, up until about three years ago, I was extremely close to, but we stopped talking for about two years for really no reason at all and in the last year I have started speaking to both of them again, though I really only maintain a close relationship with one. Out of my seven bridesmaids, these are the only two I talk to regularly.

I decided that I wanted to take a trip with my bridesmaids to a nearby state that is about four hours away. I asked one of these two friends I talk to regularly to ask the other bridesmaids if they would like to go on a trip, but I mainly just wanted to go with my two friends and I knew that not all of the ladies would be able to go since we are all adults and have different responsibilities. Still, I made it clear that I wanted whoever wanted to go to come along. I also stated that this trip is what I wanted for my bacherlorette party and that I would be financially responsible for all of my own expenses.

Well, my two friends started planning and decided that they wanted to do something else for a bachelorette party as a surprise for me. Obviously, I was not aware of any of that, so I continued planning for this trip for over two months and I was extremely excited. Then I was informed that the bridesmaids had decided to throw a bacherlorette party elsewhere — at a destination two hours away that we have been to many times together — and that I should plan the trip that I wanted “some other time” and also that I “should be grateful for anything that they decided to do.”

After an argument about this, I decided that I didn’t want anything at that point because the trip had been tarnished for me. And now I feel I haven’t been able to share my moment because I don’t feel I have their support or happiness for me as their friend. I must also include that I am an only child. My father is deceased and I have no relationship with my mother and I really have no other family whom I am close to. These girls are like my sisters.

I have recently reached out to these two ladies and told them how I feel and that I am not able to share this special time in my life with them because I feel like they aren’t interested. I have not received any response. I am now at the point where I feel like I have honestly tried to preserve this relationship, but I feel as though this friendship is no longer wanted by the other parties and I do not believe in staying where I am not welcomed. At this point, I feel they should not be a part of such a special day in my life. I love these girls truly, but I don’t want to feel any animosity by having them stand beside me on my special day. Please HELP!!! — Blown-off Bride

I guess I’m really confused. You have bridesmaids whom you don’t speak to regularly? Of your seven bridesmaids, you only speak to two regularly, and, of those two, you only maintain a close relationship to one, even though they’re both “like sisters” to you? And you were out of touch with those two friends for a couple of years until relatively recently? And those are the two you asked to ask the other bridesmaids to go on a trip with you? But you didn’t talk to the other bridesmaids yourself? You planned the trip on your own, without directly asking for feedback from the five other people who would be attending? Your two friends — the ones you talk to regularly — planned a “nice bachelorette party” for you, but, because you’ve been there many times and because they said you could plan your other trip another time, you are so upset that you don’t think you can be friends with them anymore? But it sounds like you aren’t really friends with your other five bridesmaids? Am I understanding all of this right? (I emailed this to the LW and she responded “yes,” fyi).

Well, then, I’m sorry, but I think you ARE being ungrateful. For all you know, the other five bridesmaids didn’t want to spend the money to go on a trip out of state, particularly since you didn’t even invite them or plan with them directly. It sounds like you actually didn’t even care if they went at all, and they probably felt that. The two bridesmaids you’re actually friends with probably didn’t want to spend the money either. As a bride, it’s actually really tacky to plan your own bachelorette party. And it’s really tacky to plan it yourself and then GET MAD when the bridesmaids decide they’d rather organize something else for you — maybe something that is more affordable and more convenient for them and for the other bridesmaids but that you would still enjoy.

Finally, I don’t understand why on earth you’d have five bridesmaids you don’t speak to regularly and don’t really consider friends. This might be the most perplexing part of your letter.

It sounds like you don’t have many friends and you don’t have close family. If I were you, I’d start acting a little more grateful for the time and effort your few friends HAVE put into organizing a party for you — a party you say sounds nice at a place you enjoy going. Honestly, to throw a fit that a bunch of people you don’t even speak to don’t especially want to take a trip out of town is super bridezilla-y. To plan your own destination bachelorette party yourself and get angry when people can’t join you but instead plan an alternative that they hope you will enjoy is . . . well, it doesn’t make you sound all that nice or understanding. This may be your “special day,” but it doesn’t mean everyone else’s lives revolve around it or that they don’t love you and care for you and support you if they can’t leave their families/jobs/what-have-you for a weekend away.

If I were you, I’d apologize to your friends, tell them you’ve been overwhelmed by the details of planning your wedding, and tell them you hope they understand and forgive your recent behavior. Then assure them that you ARE grateful for their support and are happy they will be there to celebrate such a happy and important milestone in your life.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

54 comments… add one
  • avatar

    jlyfsh May 4, 2015, 8:12 am

    Hopefully you aren’t too far in wedding planning insanity brain to not read Wendy’s advice, because it doesn’t seem like in your 5 paragraphs you try to understand where the bridesmaids are coming from at all. You might be paying for yourself but you never asked your bridesmaids if they could afford this trip you were planning.
    .
    And like Wendy said why do you have 5 bridesmaids you don’t regularly talk to??? Is it to match your fiance’s number of groomsmen? Is having an even number of people stand up beside you more important than having people you actually care about and speak to stand beside you?

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  • avatar

    L.G.J May 4, 2015, 8:21 am

    why on earth do you have 7 bridesmaids? Also from the sound of your letter I don’t think you communicated very well that this trip you wanted so badly was actually intended to be a bachelorette event and that all 7 of them were invited, did you personally invite each of them? because it doesn’t sound like it.
    If you love these girls so “truly” why don’t you talk to them regularly? or at all in the case of the 5 that just seem to be along for the ride. WWS apologize, personally to each one of them and hope for the best

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    • avatar

      Anonymous May 5, 2015, 8:03 pm

      I’m not going to lie, right now I’m planning on having 7 bridesmaids in my wedding this fall (unavoidably big wedding)and am duking it out with my fiancé for an eighth. Once you include sisters, wife-of-your brother, sister-of-your-fiance (all considered mandatory by all without wiggle room, but welcome) it actually isn’t that many friends you get to choose. Right now, I have 2 from college, one from grad school, and I really want my best friend from high school (we SWORE we would and I love the idea of following through, we’ve stayed in contact and still feel strongly about each other although we don’t see each other or talk often). I (hopefully) don’t seem like a crazy bridezilla when saying I want 8, so I do get it.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover May 6, 2015, 9:48 am

        If my husband had had all his brothers/brothers-in-law in his party, he would have had 5 groomsmen, and that’s without having any of his friends in it. Even with just his two best friends, that would have been 7. We thought it would be too much, so we left two of my brothers out. My mom thought it was kind of rude, but I supported his decision. The other two brothers were ushers so it’s not like they didn’t have a role at all.
        .
        If you don’t want so many bridesmaids, can some of the family members do something else instead? Like reading at the ceremony or giving a toast at the reception?

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph May 6, 2015, 10:55 am

        We had a similar situation. I have a sister and a brother (both unmarried). My husband has a sister and a brother, and both are married. We ended up included all the blood siblings (because my mother basically demanded by brother be in the wedding party).
        We decided not to have his siblings’ spouses in the mix, because I already felt like 5 each was too many. We included them in the “house party” count for flowers (she got a wrist corsage like the moms and he got a boutonniere like the dads/groomsmen) and we had his SIL do a reading in the ceremony. I don’t think either of them cared about not being in the wedding party… certainly they didn’t ever complain to me, or to anyone who then told me.
        Anyways, I think that you have to cut it somewhere and spouses of siblings seems like a good place. Everyone in my bridal party except my SIL, I had been friends with (or related to) for 8 or more years. I think we need to move away as a society from the idea that the only way to honor a person is to put them in your wedding party, or that not being in the wedding party equals not being friends. You got invited to the wedding, didn’t you?

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover May 6, 2015, 11:17 am

        We would only have been able to cut one person with that approach. The rest were blood (his and my brothers). And since his sister’s husband was a good friend of his before they ever started dating, it would have been extra hard to cut him too. Anyway, in the end, these things don’t really matter. I agree, the invite to the wedding is enough to show you care. But not everyone thinks so. So glad my wedding is done! 🙂

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  • juliecatharine

    juliecatharine May 4, 2015, 8:27 am

    WWS. LW, I do wish you has mentioned your age. It sounds like you might be an older bride who wants the same level of hoopla that happens when people get married in their twenties. Wendy brought that point up about the LW who was upset that her best friend’s pregnancy would prevent her attendance at the wedding. If I recall correctly, Wendy compared it to marathon runners in the front of the pack having screaming crowds while those who cross the finish line later have a more subdued celebration. These women are spending time, money, and effort to support you. Maybe five or ten years ago they could/would have dropped everything and gone into debt to live it up for your bachelorette but now they can’t or aren’t willing to. Priorities change as we get older and have more responsibilities. That sucks in a way but you could also look at it from another perspective–these girls have way more on their plates than they did in the past and they are STILL trying to celebrate you. The juggling involved is pretty major. Being a bridesmaid is a major pain in the ass. Count your blessings and adjust your perspective. Think about it this way-is a billionaire who gives you a diamond putting forth more effort than an average Joe who gives you flowers? Your bridesmaids are giving you a gift, accept it gratefully and feel blessed.

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  • Ika

    Ika May 4, 2015, 8:31 am

    WWS. That was exactly what I was thinking of saying. But more eloquent. And less cursing.

    Why do I get the feeling LW got back in touch with her 2 friends (that are like sisters except they didnt speak for 2 years, and she is really only close to one of them) after she got engaged and knew she wanted a ridiculous amount of bridesmaids?

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    • juliecatharine

      juliecatharine May 4, 2015, 8:35 am

      That crossed my mind too; I hope that’s not the case. If it is she really needs to bring herself up short because that’s just flat out shitty user behavior.

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    • avatar

      Hannanas May 4, 2015, 8:42 am

      YES!

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom May 4, 2015, 11:59 am

      Maybe she means the type of sisters who have nothing in common and don’t talk to each other much. My sister and I don’t talk much. We live about 1200 miles apart, have never been close and don’t talk to each other much on the phone. When we visit my parents she will spend a few days at their house and that’s how much we see each other. Maybe that’s the kind of sisters they are.

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  • kare

    kare May 4, 2015, 8:39 am

    The phrase “special time” is mentioned multiple times…you get a day. Not the whole time you’re engaged. Sure it’s special to you and maybe a select few people. But your engagement is not a special time in your life that people are ignoring by not indulging your every whim. So many people in the world are engaged, and probably multiple people within your friends’ social circles. It’s awesome they wanted to plan any sort of destination bachelorette party even though it’s kind of a disconnected group that isn’t super close to you. Seriously. My closest friends have all known each other since sixth grade, and we probably won’t do destination bachelorette parties because it’s just too expensive.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph May 4, 2015, 9:51 am

      I don’t even like the idea of a “special day.”
      First of all, you get about 4 hours, not a whole day. The entire world goes on without you for that day. Your guests drop what they are doing for ~4 hours in the evening to watch you get married, then dance about it. Then they go back to their lives. I’ve gone to work and a wedding in the same day.
      Second, it’s not your special day as the center of attention. Its you and your husband’s special day as a couple.
      The amount of “me me me” in this letter is unbearable.

      P.S. I fucking love wedding week! I should take the whole week off work like a damn national holiday.

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      • kare

        kare May 4, 2015, 11:12 am

        I agree, but I can see how the wedding party might treat it like a “special day”. I think the whole wedding process is insane based on what I’ve seen. One of my friends was in a wedding Saturday. Prior to that there was: engagement party, destination bachelorette party, bridal shower, “wedding week” activities, then the actual wedding. The bride isn’t the one that asked for all the events, but the same group hosted, planned, and paid for each thing. Ugh.

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  • avatar

    tbrucemom May 4, 2015, 8:42 am

    Great advice Wendy and MUCH more eloquent than I would have stated.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom May 4, 2015, 8:44 am

    It sounds like most of your bridesmaids, maybe all of them, are nothing more than props in your wedding. I say that because it sounds like you are using them. Friends are people that you are close to, share your life with and spend time with if they live close enough. That doesn’t describe your relationship with any of these women, they are acquaintances that you’ve gotten to be in your wedding to make it look like you have more friends than you actually do.
    .
    It doesn’t seem to occur to you that it is rude to plan an activity for that many people with no input from any of them. You don’t care enough about any of them to make the bachelorette party work for them as well as for yourself. Maybe that’s why you don’t have good friends in the first place. Maybe you are too self-centered to be a good friend. Even if it is your wedding you need to be considerate of other people. The fact that they planned a different bachelorette party means that the one you were planning didn’t work for them and they were trying to save the situation by coming up with a better party that will work for more of the women in your wedding. Be grateful that they’ve done that for you instead of you going to the party you planned and finding yourself alone for the weekend because no one else wanted to go with your plan. They’ve saved the party for you and you should thank them.
    .
    Going forward you need to work on cultivating real friendships.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom May 4, 2015, 8:47 am

    I keep getting hijacked to other sites when I click on links today.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy May 4, 2015, 8:50 am

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom May 4, 2015, 9:18 am

        Thanks. It is particularly bad today. I don’t expect you to drop the ads because you absolutely can’t run the site without revenue. I assume google will be getting push back from sites all over the web and maybe they will be forced to make changes for the better.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy May 4, 2015, 9:21 am

        I hope so! This has been incredibly annoying (for you guys and for me) and has come at an especially bad time. Oh well, there are worst things!

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph May 4, 2015, 9:56 am

        I find that it depends where you come from. If I go back to the DW home page and click links from there, I don’t get as many redirects as when I come from the sidebar or from external links (like feedly). Try that as a workaround!

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      • avatar

        Jane May 4, 2015, 10:59 am

        Clicking on the comments link seems to be a good workaround also – I’ve still gotten redirected when clicking the title or continue on a story from the home page, but the comments link has been good so far.
        .
        But apparently submitting a reply can also redirect =/

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom May 4, 2015, 9:16 am

    ” but I mainly just wanted to go with my two friends and I knew that not all of the ladies would be able to go”

    If five of your bridesmaids realized that you didn’t care whether they could go to the bachelorette party and that you only wanted the other two women there they may have wanted to drop out of your wedding and your bridesmaids who have planned a more inclusive party could easily have saved your wedding. You should thank them profusely unless you wouldn’t have minded if five bridesmaids dropped out of your wedding.

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    • avatar

      Jennylou May 4, 2015, 9:31 am

      I was thinking this too. Well said!

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    • avatar

      K May 4, 2015, 9:32 am

      Seems like she should only have two bridesmaids, especially if she doesn’t even care if the others come to her bachelorette party or not? That seems crazy to me.

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  • muchachaenlaventana

    muchachaenlaventana May 4, 2015, 9:49 am

    ugh after me and 7 other girls in a bridal party going to a destination bachelorette that was 9 hours away, took up 2+ days of vacation and during which we all spent at least $700 and paid for EVERYTHING for the bride, who barely lifted a hand to offer many ever- and was completely ungrateful and a huge brat almost the entire time, let me tell you- get over yourself and bet tankful for whatever your friends are willing to contribute. To you, a 4 hour trip somewhere else may not seem like al ot and may be how YOU want to celebrate, but just because you are getting married doesn’t mean the world has stopped spinning and you are the center of the universe. Other people have their own lives going on and can’t drop it all for you. Be thankful that your two close friends who are bridesmaids thought to include all of the girls in a party, so it wasn’t awkward and you didn’t come off like a huge brat for only inviting two when all of the girls in your bridal party are giving up time and money to be with you on your “special day”. You need to grow up and apologize to all of the girls in your bridal party and offer to do something special for them to make up for this.

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    • muchachaenlaventana

      muchachaenlaventana May 4, 2015, 10:14 am

      ugh fury typing led to many typos. excuse that.

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  • avatar

    ktfran May 4, 2015, 9:59 am

    I can’t even handle this letter today. All of the questions Wendy asked the LW to clarify, I was asking myself. It makes absolutely no sense.
    .
    If I were any one of the other six bridesmaids, I would respectfully bow out of the wedding for lack of communication on the bride’s part.
    .
    Hey… Will you be in my wedding? Here’s the $200 dress you must order. And shoes you must buy. And please, get an updo. For nail color, go with Essie Mademoiselle. Oh, and I’m registered here, but you don’t have to come to the shower, just make sure you send the gift. Other than that, I really don’t want to speak to you until the the BIG DAY. Thanks for being a prop in my wedding. Peace out.

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    • avatar

      booknerd May 4, 2015, 10:05 am

      Exactly.

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph May 4, 2015, 10:04 am

    I could go on all day about your crap, but I’ll stick to your actual question– you are being rude, selfish, and ungrateful because they didn’t plan your bachelorette party exactly to your specifications.
    If it’s not too late (by which I mean large sums of non-refundable money have been paid) you should do them a favor and ask them to cancel the party and not be bridesmaids anymore. I bet they will be glad they don’t have to deal with you anymore… especially the 5 girls who you apparently don’t even care enough about to invite on your self-planned bachelorette party directly.
    If it is too late (have they put a deposit on the party location and/or bought dresses for your wedding already?) then what you should do is suck it up and be as grateful as you can muster that these women took time out of their lives to plan your bachelorette party and agreed to be in your wedding.

    And finally, if you want to go to that 4 hour away spot with your other two friends, just plan that as a vacation, rather than a bachelorette party. There’s no reason the only time you can ever go on vacation with your friends is because of your impending wedding.

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  • becboo84

    becboo84 May 4, 2015, 10:06 am

    Just throwing it out there – I’m guessing she has seven bridesmaids because her fiancé has a close circle of friends/family and is having seven groomsmen, and she wanted things to be balanced. While this doesn’t make much sense to me, I’ve known other wedding parties who got overly focused on making sure those numbers were all even, and it’s really the only “logical” explanation for why the LW invited five women she’s not friends with to partake in her wedding.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph May 4, 2015, 10:15 am

      This is probably true. t’s not that we don’t know that’s a reason, it’s just that it’s a really stupid reason.

      Also, my pity for these girls is limited. They did it to themselves by saying yes. People really need to learn to say NO.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh May 4, 2015, 10:18 am

        Yeah, I mean based on her letter I’m going to guess they gave pity yes’. Which is just as bad. Someone, Portia?, started a thread about how to say no to being a bridesmaid a while back. I think it’s harder for people than it should be. And they feel like they should just say yes rather than hurt anyone’s feelings. I’m going to guess at this point the other 5 are wishing they had just hurt her feelings!

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      • Portia

        Portia May 4, 2015, 10:41 am

        Yep! If I remember correctly, the main advice given on that thread was offer to be involved in another way, make concrete excuses like money or time constraints, and be prepared for your friendship to be strained if not over. No update as of yet because she hasn’t asked yet (although she did get engaged).

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    • muchachaenlaventana

      muchachaenlaventana May 4, 2015, 10:16 am

      yeah one of my best friends decided she had to have 3 maids of honor (yeah three) becuase her fiance has 3 best men…imo the balancing of things like bridal parties is what contributes to all of the crazy stuff that comprise weddings now a day.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph May 4, 2015, 10:47 am

        Having 3 best men/MOH is actually a mistake as a chain of command problem. For the few things which require bridal party collaboration (shower, bachelor/ette party, etc) you really need someone to be the decider otherwise you have a bunch of people all going off in their own direction.
        I’ve been in 2 weddings like this– one with 2 MOHs who hated each other and couldn’t agree on anything and one with no MOH. It was awful for the rest of us who were trying to plan a goddamn shower without anyone deciding anything.

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    • kare

      kare May 4, 2015, 11:17 am

      I get wanting things to be even, but seven is kind of a high number. Wouldn’t it make more sense for the groom to lower his number? I guess it could be worse. One of my friends was one of 12 bridesmaids. And she fought for the 12th spot.

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      • FireStar

        FireStar May 4, 2015, 12:04 pm

        That sounds horrific.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph May 4, 2015, 2:35 pm

        FOUGHT for the 12th spot. Honestly, if anyone decided not to have me in her bridal party, I would consider it a blessing. Let someone who wants it have it, I’ll be at the open bar in a dress I chose!

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      • kare

        kare May 4, 2015, 3:54 pm

        I thought it was insane too, but she felt since it was her brother’s wedding, she was entitled to be a bridesmaid. (I will have no such feelings if my brother ever gets married). I just can’t imagine having 12 people who can shell out over $1000 for my wedding…

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      • Lyra

        Lyra May 4, 2015, 5:19 pm

        My bet is that the bride will MAYBE be talking to four of them 5 years from now…

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph May 5, 2015, 9:11 am

        My mom basically made me have my brother in my wedding party. My husband was 28 when we got married, and my brother was 20 (I was 26, my brother is the baby) so there’s my underage brother on a bachelor party with a bunch of 27-30 year olds. Awkward.

        Anyways, I bet my brother will either feel required (or actually be required by my mother) to put me on the bridal party… I kinda hope he doesn’t. Then I’ll be the 30-something lady (probably with kids by then) on a bachelorette party with all these mid twenties kids. I’d rather just go to the wedding, being on the bridal party is like having to work the wedding instead of attend it.

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      • avatar

        d2 May 4, 2015, 9:47 pm

        Ha! Some of these weddings have more people in the wedding party than I would have on my guest list!

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  • avatar

    shakeourtree May 4, 2015, 11:30 am

    I can be a bit of a control freak and will plan my own things a lot, like birthday parties. So I can almost understand being upset that you don’t get to take the trip you want for your bachelorette party. However, it IS customary for the bridesmaids to plan the party, and there are more of them than you, so it needs to be convenient for everyone. I also that think my friends would do a fabulous job planning a bachelorette party for me, and that is because we are close friends who hang out a lot and know each other very well! I just cannot wrap my head around having SEVEN bridesmaids when you seemingly only give a shit about one of them! It is a lot of work maintaining close friendships. You can’t stop putting effort into a friendship and then expect that person to bend over backwards for you just because you’re getting married!

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  • redessa

    redessa May 4, 2015, 12:03 pm

    It sounds like you don’t really care about a bachelorette party at all and just want a girls getaway with your 2 closest friends. If I was one of the other 5 bridesmaids – who learned 2nd hand that it would be okay if I tagged along – I’d be insulted and wonder why I was asked to be in the wedding in the first place.

    Your 2 “sisters” were likely doing you a huge favor. Beyond the time, effort and money involved, by planning a party everyone could attend I think they were smoothing over some ruffled feathers. And they did it without pulling you into the drama you had created – thus TRYING to avoid an even bigger scene. But you had to go and blow up anyway. You owe everyone involved an apology, including a thank you for the party they did plan because they were right, you should have been grateful. Hopefully they’ll accept that you’re just caught up in wedding stress. But if this is part of a pattern of behavior (did the reason you lost touch a few years ago have anything to do with this same type of stuff?), this just might be the final straw.

    Oh and if they do accept your apology, be inclusive of EVERYONE you invited to be in your wedding party from here on out and appreciative of anything they do to celebrate or help with your wedding. And no more saying things like ‘feeling you can’t share your “special time” with them’ when they’re clearly trying. It’s just manipulative guilt-tripping to get them to do things your way.

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  • FireStar

    FireStar May 4, 2015, 12:03 pm

    I’m with who ever above said you get a special 4 hours. Your focus is off LW. The wedding is about you and your fiancée and committing to each other and starting the type of marriage you would like to have…. and then a party. That is it. It isn’t monumental for anyone else but the two f you. Stop acting like it should be.
    When did the out of state/town/country party become a thing that people had to do as part of a wedding anyway? Isn’t that typically just called a vacation? Travel costs a lot of money and time. Just have a girls’ trip/vacation when everyone is free and the timing/budget works for everyone. What is wrong with that plan? Why can’t that be EXACTLY as much fun if it is 6 months from now?

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  • Lyra

    Lyra May 4, 2015, 12:14 pm

    You should NOT have 7 bridesmaids if you only talk to 2 of them. No wonder they don’t want to go on this trip that you want for yourself…they probably feel like crap because you made your BRIDESMAIDS invite these other 5. That’s INSANELY tacky, and quite honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if they wanted to back out of your wedding because of that. I sincerely doubt all 7 of your friendships will survive this. If you’re willing to let this out-of-state trip that you’ve been planning for months go, then it’s time to be the bigger woman and go visit each of them individually and apologize. If you can’t visit every one of them face-to-face, call them, or better yet use Facetime or Skype.

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  • avatar

    Julia May 4, 2015, 6:31 pm

    Sounds a bit similar to my situation, but I only had 3 bridesmaids, all whom I knew well and some to often. But because I was not getting the exact wedding and dress I wanted (because of budget), I decided that I should get the exact Bachelorette party I wanted. I told my bridesmaids exactly what I wanted, which was not that complicated. I wanted to eat out and go to the club, not hard. One of them whose best friend was getting married a month before had asked her to be a bridesmaid also (after I did, but she wasn’t my first choice. My first choice lives half across the country, so I assummed she couldnt make it). Well, what I thought was a thoughtful idea for my now stressed bridesmaid who is her best friends bridesmaid also, was for us 2 brides to share a Bachelorette party. I told them my idea, and they all agreed to it. I told my maid of honor to handle the details. (Which included eating out, a club, and a Limo.) Well, this bridesmaid, who has issues with following plans, even their own. Decides they don’t want to do the club, that they want to throw a stupid house party. She claims it’s the other bride who wants it (which I don’t think so.). Then she tries to bail out of the limo cuz she “doesn’t have any money”. It was only $30. She can pay me back later. But she tries to get all ” her girls “, the other bride and bridesmaids to just ride in her car, even though they said they wanted to ride in the limo. Pretty much, she tried to sabotage what I wanted to do in every way possible. And by the way, this same bridesmaid’s own bridesmaids bailed at her Bachelorette party. Well, after one final argument, she bailed on me, and separated ” her people ” from the party, and they took part of my original plan, leaving me to figure out something else, but I got my limo! But it was a blessing in disguise because my other best friend who I wanted originally to be my bridesmaid flew down to be my bridesmaid!

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      SpaceySteph May 5, 2015, 9:18 am

      You also sound spoiled and ungrateful.

      Also being a bridesmaid in 2 weddings around the same timeframe (as long as not the same weekend) is not actually stressful unless the brides make crazy demands.
      News flash, nobody gets EXACTLY the wedding they want. Or exactly the anything they want. And I say that as someone who’s wedding went off without a hitch and under budget. The perfect wedding is a myth. As my dad always said “want something you can have.”

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  • mylaray

    mylaray May 4, 2015, 7:34 pm

    I don’t have much to add, but I am excited it’s wedding week.

    I planned my own bachelorette party, but I paid for all of it, and insisted on no gifts. First, it didn’t seem to fair for my 2 best friends to plan anything when they live 1000 and 8000 miles away. And really, the time spent together was all that mattered to me. So, this is where I think etiquette rules can get kind of hazy. However, the LW certainly does need an awakening here. Your accomplishments (not that a wedding is much of an accomplishment really) don’t mean the same thing to others. A wedding is one day (or a few days in other cultures), but any parties and celebrations beyond that are extra. It’s time to start acting more grateful, and you know, genuine friends will actually stick around, instead of having several bridesmaids who you don’t even care about.

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    Kate B.et May 4, 2015, 9:10 pm

    Man. Every time I read one of these, I am so grateful that my married friends didn’t pull this crap. They were all very sensible and had their priorities straight. Their weddings were all lovely. I’ll think I’ll thank them yet again. Maybe I can make it an annual thing.

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    simonthegrey May 4, 2015, 9:36 pm

    I didn’t have a bachelorette party. Instead we had a wedding-party party. We had two bridesmaids and two groomsmen (I have two sisters) but other friends we would have put in if we weren’t going for a small wedding. So for the party we bought a ton of snacks and invited people over for movies and gaming. No presents asked/expected, just for people to bring soda/beverage of choice and to come and have fun. It was a great, stress-free time.

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    kali May 5, 2015, 12:58 pm

    Selfish, self-centered… you need to grow the F up and get over this. No one owes it to you to make your fairytale fantasies come true and honestly, I feel bad for your spouse-to-be.

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    Ange May 5, 2015, 9:19 pm

    As the great Miranda Hobbs once said: ‘you get A DAY,’ anything extra is gravy. Stop demanding everyone drops to their knees at the altar of Bride, they all have many better things they could be doing.

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