Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I Still Don’t Have a Baby and It’s All My Boyfriend’s Fault!”

WTF

I’m 26 and have been in a relationship for the last six years with a man twelve years older than I, who has two kids, and whom I started living with almost immediately after we met. I never had any kids myself, but I’ve been pregnant twice and had abortions both times. I regret the decisions to abort every day, especially since now I yearn for kids of my own and haven’t been able to get pregnant with my boyfriend.

About a year into our relationship, I realized that I had never seen him ejaculate before, so one night during sex I asked him about it and he was very nervous. I can’t even remember what he initially told me, but we weren’t using protection and I should have been pregnant; it wasn’t making any sense. Days later, he finally told me that he had noticed this issue himself two years earlier and had taken some pill for it at the time and everything was fine so he wasn’t worried and I definitely shouldn’t be worried either. But I was. He asked me if I would leave him should he not be able to have children and I told him no, because I wasn’t dying for kids and didn’t think we’d be together that long anyway.

I left it alone for about two years, and during that time he went to several doctors who weren’t able to help. By this point, I had watched many of my close friends give birth. My family and I had to endure dealing with his kids when they would come to visit. I was 24 and really wanted to have a baby; I started to complain and started to be jealous of any woman who had kids. All the doctors we went to were shocked and started saying that maybe he needs to see a specialist, but he insisted all he needed was some pill he had taken years before. He finally got the pill and still nothing. He then started looking online for cures to what we recently found out was retrograde ejaculation, but the Internet wasn’t very hopeful. My boyfriend found a list of pills and medications used by some men and tracked them all down and tried them all and still nothing.

By this point, I begged him to just accept the fact and thank God he had at least fathered two children before this. I made it clear that having kids was VERY important to me and that I didn’t want to waste my time in a situation where I’d never get any, but he insisted he would never let me go and would do anything to give me a child. Late last year, he told me he had found a cure, noticed it the other night and swore by Christmas I would be pregnant. Well, Christmas came and went, then my birthday, then Mother’s Day, and then another summer, and still nothing.

Currently, most people assume I am barren, since everyone knows he has two kids who are now in high school. Other women make fun of me because I haven’t given birth before — where I’m from, it’s extremely rare to not have kids by my age — and my own mother is becoming increasingly concerned for me because she thinks I am unable to carry a child. It kills me because I can’t talk about it to anyone. I hate Mother’s Day, I hate back-to-school time, I do not attend my friends children’s parties and I hate being asked if I have any kids. I wish I had never gotten those abortions and, quite frankly, I think I am going a little bit crazy.

I love my boyfriend, but I am realizing that I have to leave him. I resent him every day for taking these precious years from me. I feel he is solely responsible for my current unhappiness. I don’t even know why I’m writing this letter since I have answered my own question a million times in my head, but, still, I really need to get an opinion from an outside neutral source. — Ready for a Baby

Yep, time to MOA. I’m not sure why you even need another opinion. You sound miserable, resentful, and bitter. I don’t sense any love between you and your boyfriend. Furthermore, if there are seriously women in your life who make fun of you for not having had a baby (at the ripe old age of 26!), you really need to surround yourself with better people. And start taking responsibility for your decisions! You blame your boyfriend for “taking these precious years” from you as if he you had zero active role in your own life. You chose to be with him (for six years!). You also chose to move in with him immediately after meeting him and to not use protection during sex despite having already had not one, but TWO, abortions and despite feeling like you and he weren’t going to be together very long, anyway. Honestly, your judgement across the board is pretty whack, and you might want to count your blessings that you have time now to get your shit together before being responsible for a small, completely dependent child.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

51 comments… add one
  • bagge72

    bagge72 September 24, 2015, 8:22 am

    For fucks sake who raises kids to be this way!?

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    • Diablo

      Diablo September 24, 2015, 9:33 am

      I’m with you, bagge, what the hell? Something is really skewed about the LW’s rationale for wanting kids. So many off-kilter decisions, from moving in too fast and trying to conceive with someone she did not think she would want to stay with to her almost ridiculous level of blaming others and being subject to what she assumes others think of her for not having a baby at 26. Wendy’s comment below is so true – just because she can have a baby doesn’t mean she should. I am projecting my happiness for the bf once he realizes he has been set free. Do some hard thinking, LW.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover September 24, 2015, 10:26 am

        It could be that it’s common to think this way where she lives. Sadly, there are plenty of places in the world that place a woman’s entire value on her ability to have children. She seems to live in one, judging by the comments the women around her are making. If you were made to constantly feel like you weren’t accomplishing your one goal that justifies your whole existence, you might go a bit crazy too. Not defending her, just saying, this is normal in some places. And her decision to stay with him is actually a sacrifice, if you look at it in that light. I still think she’s wrong to blame him though, it’s her choice too.

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    ktfran September 24, 2015, 8:29 am

    Is this letter for real? Sadly, I think it is. WOW!

    Also, let me get this straight… you had two abortions by the time you were 20?!? I’m sorry, but abortions should not be used as a form of birth control. Why are you having all of this unprotected sex? I think you need to get tested.

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  • avatar

    Not A Princess September 24, 2015, 8:29 am

    Holy CRAP on a cracker, sweetie! Okay, 1) if the real solution to *everything that is wrong in your life* (not having a bio baby) is to have a baby, sperm bank. Pick out a donor with your partner and it will be *your* child. Promise.
    2) I get the baby fever; along with the ring fever, it’s pretty formidable. I also get the cultural thing (American South, I’m guessing? Small Town?). But you don’t really need a baby; you need a psychological evaluation, Cognitive Therapy, and a reevaluation of your worth as a human being.
    Say you have a baby, by your partner or by your partner via sperm donor: what’s your next fixation going to be? A second baby? Will your child have to be an uber-baby? Will you dump the previous children that you’ve been “putting up with”?
    Honestly, it sounds like you’re stuck in high school where you’re competing with the same people over life events that are NOT A COMPETITION. You have almost a decade of baby-making left and I strongly urge t hat you shelve the whole idea for another year or two while you work on making yourself the person — mother or not– that you want to be.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy September 24, 2015, 8:35 am

      I’d say she has *more* than a decade of baby-making left. She’s 26. I just had a baby at almost 39 and I know lots of women who have had babies at 40+. All of that is beside the point though — the point being, of course, that just because a woman CAN have a baby doesn’t mean she should…

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      • avatar

        Kate September 24, 2015, 8:45 am

        “Just because a woman CAN have a baby doesn’t mean she should…”
        YES!!!!!! Favorite thing you’ve ever written.

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      • avatar

        ktfran September 24, 2015, 9:03 am

        I was thinking the exact same thing. Wendy wins the internet for the year.

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      • Monkeysmommy

        Monkeysmommy September 25, 2015, 2:51 pm

        Lol that was my line from a recent column! 😀

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    • avatar

      Muffy September 24, 2015, 8:51 am

      I was going to guess it was from a different continent all together like Asia or eastern europe – this belief in random medicines sounds like Chinese medicine or something where they take herbs for various things.

      Dude probably had a vasectomy and never told you. Also strange that you want a kid with the guy but don’t want to be married to him? Is he already married? I guess I just figured that if you were pushing for a baby you would be the type to push for marriage after 6 years if living together unless he is married already and his wife lives elsewhere and he has some money and he’s promised you at least a baby then to keep you occupied.

      Not his fault you’re not pregnant though / you stayed with him for six years and have had this problem for six years. If it’s such a big deal then move on. I mean it you really wanted to be pregnant you could just have sex with some random guy and then you’d have your baby.

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      • avatar

        Cleopatra Jones September 24, 2015, 9:05 am

        I agree. I thought of the Phillipines for some reason but definitely not in the U.S.
        .
        Also, this guy has a serious issue–he doesn’t ejaculate! That’s definitely a cause to see a specialist. Even with a vasectomy (at least in the U.S.), he should still ejaculate. There’s just not any sperm present in the ejaculation.
        .
        Even if he can’t have any kids, I seriously don’t think this LW should consider having kids until she works on herself a bit. But, I know that may be impossible as so much of her angst over being childless is tied up in her culture.

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      • avatar

        Anonymous September 24, 2015, 11:39 am

        A vasectomy doesn’t prevent anyone from ejaculating. Just what does come out has no sperm in it.

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  • mrmidtwenties

    mrmidtwenties September 24, 2015, 8:30 am

    Dude totally got it snipped after his second kid.

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    • othy

      othy September 24, 2015, 9:00 am

      Exactly what I was thinking. That’s why he’d rather do ‘research online’ and ‘take some pills’ than see a specialist. Which for the record is much safer than finding ‘a list of pills and medications used by some men’ and tracking them all down and trying them. God only knows what he’s taken and how much worse it may have made it if he hasn’t been snipped.

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      • mrmidtwenties

        mrmidtwenties September 24, 2015, 9:04 am

        Yeah he’s totally bullshitting her, probably taking sugar pills or some green tea extract blah blah blah to trick her.

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      • othy

        othy September 24, 2015, 9:04 am

        But honey, I took this placebo every day for a month, of course it should have fixed it by now.

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    • avatar

      Anon September 24, 2015, 3:37 pm

      Even if you get snipped you still ejaculate.

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh September 24, 2015, 8:31 am

    Yeah, he didn’t take those years from you. You freely gave them. If you’re unhappy leave. It was dangerous for him to promise and you to believe that by a certain date you would be pregnant. Fertility issues don’t go away with some magic pill. Although, I’m slightly concerned about your boyfriend just tracking down medications. Buying things online as ‘cures’ isn’t the same as the two of you together seeking medical help.
    *
    And no matter where you live and what the cultural expectations for children are, these women you know are shitty people. Making fun of someone for either not having given birth by choice or because of medical issues? Seriously find new people to hang out with.

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  • juliecatharine

    juliecatharine September 24, 2015, 8:38 am

    Please be fake, please be fake, please be fake.

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    • avatar

      Essie September 24, 2015, 8:41 am

      God, yes.

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  • avatar

    Essie September 24, 2015, 8:40 am

    So, it sounds like you want to have a child so all your friends will stop making fun of you, and so your mother will get off your case, and so people won’t think you’re ‘barren’.

    What wonderful reasons to bring a child into the world.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom September 24, 2015, 8:42 am

    You want to blame him for everything and take no responsibility for your own choices. You made choices. You chose him and you chose to live with him immediately. You chose to have unprotected sex with him even though you didn’t think the relationship would last. You chose to stay with him when you wanted a baby and he couldn’t ejaculate. All your choices. At the very least own your choices. Then, break up if you aren’t happy in this relationship.
    .
    As a mother, there is one thing I would like you to know. Babies add stress to life. Babies are hard, exhausting work. I’ve told people that a baby is a joyful burden. You love them and give to them and give some more and give some more. You don’t sound ready for a baby. You need to grow up and take responsibility for your own actions. You need to see how your choices affect your life. If not, you will expect the baby to make you happy and babies can’t do that. Babies need lots from you and if you love them unconditionally they will return that love but if they have the job of making you happy the entire relationship will be miserable. You will think you got stuck with a bad baby when in reality the baby got stuck with a bad parent. Grow up. Then find a good, loving, kind partner. One who also wants to have kids and is ready for kids and willing to take on the responsibility of kids. Then, and only then, have a baby.

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  • avatar

    freckles September 24, 2015, 8:47 am

    There is no way. This has to be fake.

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  • avatar

    Ale September 24, 2015, 9:14 am

    “Currently, most people assume I am barren”

    Have YOU gotten tested? Do you know if you can conceive? (I know you had two abortions earlier, but things could have changed)

    This all sounds so messed up. Through the letter I could only imagine a girl throwing a tantrum to her boyfriend yelling “where is my baby?”
    Infertility can be caused by so, so, many things! Not just you or him, both of you combinated. You guys don’t have a relationship, you have him to be your sperm donor only. So, why not, move on, and find a sperm donor?

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. September 24, 2015, 9:26 am

    OMG. So much WTF here. It’s too early for this.

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  • avatar

    cdobbs September 24, 2015, 9:32 am

    Hi LW,
    Your boyfriend may want to seek treatment for his retrograde ejaculation somewhere else. In any case, sperm can be recovered from his bladder, processed in a lab and used to inseminate you in vitro. There are options if you do want to have children with your boyfriend. I don’t think he is getting all the proper medical information available.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse September 24, 2015, 10:06 am

    So much fixation and obsession over this issue, and you haven’t been to a doctor? Has he?

    I wonder if you actually understand and fully comprehend what having a baby and taking care of babies entails. I would suggest going to see a mental health practitioner. Your fixation is unhealthy, IMHO. You don’t talk about a baby or kids in any sort of loving way. It sounds like your main concern is fitting in with your culture. You blame him for these fertility issues and wasting all this time, but as everyone’s said, you are a free person to leave if you want to. And you talk about him like he’s ruined your life…yet you stay. Why are you even with him if you hold so much hostility?
    Just like Wendy said, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. It sounds like you have some actual decisions to make.

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  • avatar

    PumpkinSpice September 24, 2015, 10:09 am

    This is not your boyfriend’s fault, this is yours. You chose to be with a man who cannot give you children, you chose to stay in the relationship, you chose to be irresponsible by sleeping with a man who you did not think you would be together with, but tried to get pregnant by. These are your decisions. You’re 26, not 40. Stop being so darn dramatic. Leave your boyfriend, get your head and shit together, find someone you actually want to be with, who also wants kids, then (if you two are on the same page) discuss the possibility of starting a family. I don’t know where you come from, but your views are screwed up. Your 26, your fertile years are not over yet. You don’t need to jump the gun and be pregnant within a week of knowing someone.

    I can understand the hurt, and bitterness of being around people who have kids when you so badly want them. I’ve been there. But I never took it out on people. I was told my chances of having children naturally, was slim to none. But at 29, I was blessed with a pregnancy, and now I have a beautiful baby girl. But my situation was different for the simple fact that I have medical issues that made my chances so small. Not because I stayed with someone who couldn’t give me what I so desperately wanted. And my husband knew that I might never have been able to give him a child, and even though he wanted to be a father, he was ok with the fact he might never be one.

    The point is, you made your bed, now you can either lay in it, or get up and fix it. Leave this man, get your shit together, and find someone else who can give you the things you want in a relationship. And not just children. There are much more aspects of this relationship that are not meeting your needs.

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  • avatar

    PumpkinSpice September 24, 2015, 10:20 am

    And I agree with skyblossom. A baby is a joyful burden. Your life is no longer your own. You live and breathe for that baby. Your awake and sleeping hours revolve around your baby. You need mental help before you have a baby, because from how you sound, you are obsessed, and unstable. Like Wendy said, just because you CAN have a baby, does mean you SHOULD have a baby. Seek some therapy to help you through your issues.

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  • avatar

    Bostonpupgal September 24, 2015, 10:42 am

    I…what? You were having unprotected sex and anticipated getting pregnant even though you “weren’t dying for kids and didn’t expect to be together that long anyway”. Um, wow. You also say you and your family have to “endure” your boyfriend’s kids when they come to visit. Again, wow. You avoid your friends because they all have kids, which I’m guessing is fine because all they do of make fun of you for not having kids. You are miserable with your boyfriend, angry at everyone, and blame him for the decisions you’ve made and the position you have put yourself in. Jesus christ on a pony.

    What would possibly make you think you are emotionally mature enough and in the correct relationship to have kids? For one, you aren’t married. I’m not saying people have to be married to successfully have kids or a relationship, but do you have any commitment at all to this guy? You basically seem to hate him and the only thing you’ve said about his kids is that you have to endure their visits. You are a mother figure to them, and they would be siblings of any of your children. I’m stunned your boyfriend has allowed you to act that way about his children. Are you able to support yourself? Do you have a stable job? Because you’re going to need it when you decide to have kids with someone who has no legal connection to you at all.

    I mean, I just can’t with this. Therapy, seriously. Find a good counselor to help you learn to make good choices and take control of your life. Dump the boyfriend. Take some time to mature and build your own life, get your own place and support yourself, meet someone that you have a lasting love and commitment to, and THEN make babies. Also, dump your friends. People who put you down have no place in your life. Also, grow up and stop being a shitty friend and avoiding people just because they have kids. Seriously, your emotions sound out of control and your judgement is terrible.

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  • avatar

    LisforLeslie September 24, 2015, 10:58 am

    Oh my god – you are so passive in this – do you actually know what you want or do you just want what everyone is telling you that you want? What the hell do you want? DO you want a boyfriend? A husband? A father for your children? Any child or the child of a specific person? Because you could have easily gone invitro or just gotten a donor.

    And why the hell wouldn’t you immediately go to a specialist for this? You don’t go to a GP for this. What the frack?

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  • honeybeenicki

    honeybeenicki September 24, 2015, 11:46 am

    …. What? I can’t quite figure out where to start with this. So… Just MOA.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark September 24, 2015, 11:56 am

    Sigh… If only MORE people who shouldn’t have kids (like this LW!!) were magically stopped by the universe from doing so…
    .
    Sorry, LW. But you lack the wisdom, maturity, and logic one needs to be a good parent. 99% of your reasoning for even wanting a kid is just so you will fit in better with your shitty surroundings. You are a real piece of work. Hell, you don’t even appear to like children… The way you refer to his kids visits is beyond fucked up…

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    • avatar

      Katmich15 September 24, 2015, 12:12 pm

      THIS

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        Vathena September 24, 2015, 12:20 pm

        Seriously.

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      Sunshine Brite September 24, 2015, 4:49 pm

      Yes.

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    for_cutie September 24, 2015, 12:13 pm

    LW, ever consider that maybe your abortions did a number on your reproductive system?

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      RedRoverRedRover September 24, 2015, 12:32 pm

      Well considering that they’ve never found a link between abortion and later infertility in women, I don’t see why anyone would jump to that conclusion. Especially considering the fact that her boyfriend isn’t even ejaculating!!! Don’t you think that’s a lot more likely to be a contributing factor?

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      • avatar

        ktfran September 24, 2015, 12:46 pm

        Agreed. I’m not sure why abortion would equal fertility issues.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover September 24, 2015, 12:50 pm

        It’s a go-to line for anti-abortionists. Not saying you’re one, @for_cutie, I don’t know if you are or not. But that’s where this misinformation originates, and then it makes it out into the general public as fact.

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      • avatar

        Ale September 24, 2015, 1:26 pm

        Most of the abortions (well done, in sanitary conditions and performed by a professional) have no complications. It is unlikely that an abortion can lead to infertility issues. However unlikely, not impossible. Women can have complications, just like any other medical procedure. The risks include infections and damage to the womb, which could later cause infertility. Also unlikely, but possible, repeated abortions can damage the cervix and cause miscarriages. Again, this is all very rare but could happen.
        The LW claims that it’s all her boyfriend’s fault that she hasn’t gotten pregnant but doesn’t state that she has gone to a doctor to get herself checked. We don’t know if she had her abortions in a safe place. We don’t know if she had any complication. We don’t know if she has any other type of condition that may be the cause of the infertility. We don’t know any of that, and apparently neither does she.
        I agree that her boyfriend not ejaculating (which she found out about after A YEAR,) might be the leading cause with the infertility issues. However, she should get checked. At least that’s what a mature person would do before having kids. I think we have stated pretty clearly that she isn’t a mature person.

        P.s. I’m pro choice.

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    Vathena September 24, 2015, 12:13 pm

    You gotta be fucking kidding me.

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  • avatar

    Katmich15 September 24, 2015, 12:14 pm

    And not to be gross, but is it really possible for it to take a year to notice that someone you are having unprotected sex with doesn’t ejaculate??? I think I would have noticed sooner, just saying . . .

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  • findingtheearth

    findingtheearth September 24, 2015, 12:30 pm

    In some weird way, I get this. I have a friend whose story is similar. She fought for years to have a baby. Her and her husband tried every thing they could think of for her to get pregnant. This caused her to kind of spin into a really dark mood about children. She jumped head first into 2 adoptions that were almost illegal.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse September 24, 2015, 12:38 pm

    The grossest part here, is you don’t even give a f$&@ about the kids you have in your life. Are you sure you even like kids?

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  • avatar

    McLovin September 24, 2015, 12:47 pm

    Unfortunately, someone probably will get this shitbird pregnant again. That’s when the real drama starts.

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  • avatar

    RedBlue September 24, 2015, 2:28 pm

    In my army career, I have lived in areas. I have seen this kind of thing before. Some young lady believes that having a baby will magically change her life. Then she gets a baby and finds out that having a child is a great deal of work. Once the “new” baby smell has worn off, the baby becomes more and more neglected until that person decides that it is the blame for all the mother’s problems. I am generalizing now, but a couple of things have a tendency to happen: either the mother abandons the child completely or starts to abuse it. Either way the child is doomed from day one. There are some who snap out of it but they are few and far between.

    I am a grandfather who is now taking care of his 2 year old granddaughter because the child had to be taken away from the mother and placed with my son who was unable to take care of her. She thought that getting pregnant would solve their relationship problems so she started pouring the contents of the into her vaginal after he left.

    I love my granddaughter to death but I have found it very taxing on my middle aged disabled semi mobile body

    There are many reasons why a person should conceive and the reasons that this young lady gives aren’t any of them. It appears the the child would be considered as so much blind, to be discarded when fashions change.

    At the age of 26, unless she has some kind of major life changing epiphany in the very near future, I wold suggest that she get her tubes tied and forgo any thought of parenthood.

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  • avatar

    ArgyllWisp September 24, 2015, 5:05 pm

    “but he insisted he would never let me go…”

    In the mess that was this letter, this part got glossed over. You do need to end things, LW, of for no other reason than you are bitter and no one should feel that way in a good relationship. But he seemed AT ALL serious about this statement:

    DO NOT end things in a private place
    DO NOT agree to be alone with him after breaking up
    DO bring people with you to pack and move out
    DO call the police if he threatens or stalks you
    DO keep any our of line communications as evidence

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark September 24, 2015, 11:03 pm

      Eh, this is SUCH a leap to me. Frankly, there is MORE evidence that she is abusing his children than that he is some deranged psychopathic stalker.

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  • avatar

    Chrissy September 26, 2015, 1:47 pm

    You are not ready for a baby. I find it offensive that you think you are done at your age. I’m 35 and pregnant. I would have been a horrific mother in my 20s.

    If he won’t see a doctor he’s lying to you about something. Clearly he doesn’t want to have a baby so if that’s important to you, move on.

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