Problem is, a few months later I confronted my friends about the story as I noticed they would glance around awkwardly when I told that version of events. After ignoring these suspicions for weeks I had to ask. My best friend (a girl) finally fessed up and told me the version she and my other friends had known for months: My boyfriend had been hitting on my male friend for a year knowing that he is gay and would constantly ask him questions about gay sex, porn, and…other items of interest (even showing up at his house unannounced at 3 A.M.). My boyfriend got our male friend drunk and finally won him over in his car where my friend proceeded to give him a blowjob!
I’ve asked our other mutual friends about this version of events and all of them back my gay male friend up! Even the bartender on duty that night says it happened that way! One or two of my friends have tried to hang out with my boyfriend but none of them trust him and one of them has become so outspoken she’s told me she’ll throw a party the day we break up! They all HATE HIM, tell me he’s worthless and that our male friend was only lying to protect me from the harsher truth of what he did. They like to remind me of the fact that he was cheating on his last girlfriend with me the first time we dated (I didn’t know he was in a relationship and when I found out, we broke up) but I really think he’s changed. I mean, I’ve been thinking I’ll marry this kid!
I asked my boyfriend about it again but he still insists that’s not what happened. I don’t know what to do…believe my friends and break up with the guy I’ve been dating for a year? Or stick by my man and let them deal with it? Nothing makes sense. Please help. — In Disbelief
Let’s look at things logically here. First, how do you explain your boyfriend’s version of the story? He says your gay friend kissed him and then he threw up later. I guess the vomiting part of the story is supposed to mean he didn’t enjoy the kiss and perhaps didn’t want it to happen in the first place. Well, if he didn’t want it to happen, how and why did it? Did your friend force himself on your boyfriend? Did you boyfriend not have the strength to push him off? If your boyfriend was actually assaulted by one of your best friends, why in the world did you hear about it from someone else? If one of my husband’s friends forced himself on me, you better believe Drew would immediately get an earful. I would make damn sure I would never again be in the presence of that particular person, and I’d make it very clear I would not be OK with Drew continuing a friendship with him. Maybe I’d even press charges. But your boyfriend did none of these things, which is highly suspicious.
Another thing that’s suspicious is that your boyfriend is the only person who seems to be telling/believing his version of the story, while ALL your other friends — and even a random bartender — are sticking to a much different version of the story. Why in the world would all those people lie? What do they have to gain from telling a made-up story? On the other hand, your boyfriend stands to lose you by telling the truth, doesn’t he?
And then, on top of it all, you know for a fact that your boyfriend has a history of cheating. You know that cheating is not out-of-character for him. And yet, you believe he’s changed? Despite evidence to the contrary, you truly believe that? Well, welcome to denial, sweetie: home of the lonely, scared and confused. If you like the way those emotions feel, then fluff up some pillows and make yourself at home. If, however, you hate the way you’ve been feeling — and you wouldn’t have written to me if you didn’t feel at least a little tormented — you need to take the first train out of there to a place called “reality.”
In reality, your boyfriend is scum. Your gay friend isn’t much better, to be honest, and you’d be wise to stay clear of them both. You were betrayed by both of these men and it’s a shame that you’ve decided to ban your friend from your life while keeping the loser boyfriend around to hurt you again and again. Listen to you friends — they’re the ones who are looking out for you here — and MOA. Nothing good can come from staying with a man who lies, cheats, and puts your health in jeopardy. Investing a year in a relationship is no reason to stay in it when there are so many red flags waving in your face. Get out now before you’ve invested much more of your time and emotion in a relationship that has no happy future.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org and be sure to follow me on Twitter.