Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I Think My Boyfriend Cheated on His Ex With Me”

My boyfriend, “Sam,” and I have been dating for a year and five months. When we first started dating, Sam and I had each just gotten out of relationships. Sam told me that he and his ex had broken up six months prior to our dating. His ex, however, was telling everyone that he cheated with me and that I am a whore and the cause of their relationship’s end. I honestly did not believe her because she is very mentally unstable (a big part of the reason they broke up) to the point that he had to have police intervention in removing her from his condo building after she broke in once post- separation, and then he had to have security there ban her.

I have a tendency to internet-stalk people, and I found some of her pictures on Instagram of her and Sam being all cuddly, with the caption of how in love they are. The pictures were dated just two months before Sam and I started dating. There was a comment from him with hearts and a “Yes, we are so in love — you’re the best.”

Since finding that out, I’ve casually brought up to Sam a few times that his ex still, to this day, harasses me whenever she sees me, as well as my friends. (Seriously, somehow she figured out who my best friends are and has stopped them in the street/grocery store to yell at them and demand information about our relationship! She even frequents the restaurant where I work and asks my co-workers questions.) And she has verified with him when they broke up. He has changed the “when” a few times, further proving to me that he is probably lying.

I am not okay with cheating. I’ve been cheated on and can’t stand cheaters. My question is: do I call him out? I don’t want to date a cheater, but I also do not want to end a year and a half relationship over it, necessarily. We have other issues, too. For one, whenever we go out on dates, I always offer to pay, and he never lets me except for when we go out with his friends or parents. When we do that, he purposely asks for separate bills, and then he sometimes pays for them and not for me! I don’t expect to be paid for all the time, which is why I offer to pay, but it seems odd that he won’t pay in front of others.

I also like to use the feature on Instagram where you can see what other people like. It bothers me when I post selfies on Instagram and he doesn’t like them, yet he always likes the revealing photos of other girls he knows. Another issue is that I keep finding things in his bedroom from exes (yes, plural). I found underwear in his closet that was not mine, earrings in the bathroom drawer, etc. He said they’re things his exes have left behind and it’s my fault for being nosy. Help! — Dating a Cheater?

You don’t give your age, but you sound young. Maybe college or right out of college? Please tell me this is true, because there is no excuse for a grown adult woman older than 25 putting up with this bullshit. A younger woman in her late teens/early 20s can be forgiven for not knowing better because she may not have the life experience, wisdom, and self-esteem to spot a loser, to know she deserves better, and to get the fuck out of a dead-end relationship. Honey, this guy’s a loser, you deserve better, get the fuck out of this relationship.

Come on, now: do you really think there’s any chance your boyfriend is telling the truth about breaking up with his ex months before you started dating? You have evidence that he was making lovey-dovey comments to the ex-girlfriend long after he said they broke up. Beyond that, there are numerous red flags you can’t ignore, not the least of which is his blaming you for finding another woman’s underwear in his closet!! I mean, seriously! If one of your best girlfriends told you she found another woman’s underwear in her boyfriend’s room and he BLAMED her for being nosy, what would your advice to her be? What would you think of her if she shrugged her shoulders, said “oh, well,” and kept on dating him? Surely you’d secretly side-eye her and wonder when she got so brainwashed, wouldn’t you? You’d wrack your memory trying to recall an incident or time that could explain her massive self-confidence issue, because what else would explain why she would stay with such a raging loser, right?

Don’t be that woman. Don’t be the woman who makes her friends worry about what happened to her brain and why she’s with a guy who has so little respect and regard for her. Empower yourself and be a role model for other women who get blinded by the “safety” of a relationship and fear being alone so much that they’re willing to stay with guys who cheat, lie, and gaslight: MOA!! If the strong evidence that your boyfriend cheated on his ex-girlfriend with you and lied about it isn’t enough reason for you to move on already, then pay attention to the way he’s treating you and the way he literally “likes” the objectification of women (as seen by his reaction to revealing selfies of random women on Instagram). If you seriously still think this is boyfriend material and that you can be happy with him and feel good about yourself staying in such an imbalanced relationship, then there’s nothing else I can say to you. I promise you, though, that your friends who are watching all of this go down, and who are being bombarded at the grocery store and on the street by a scorned ex, are talking amongst themselves, and they, too, can’t believe you’re still with this guy.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

16 comments… add one
  • avatar

    artsygirl June 6, 2017, 9:40 am

    LW – You are getting the trivial and the serious all mixed up. It is trivial that your BF does not like your instagram posts. It is trivial that he ask you to pay for your meals once in a blue moon (especially since you try to pay more often and he turns you down). It is NOT trivial that he lied about when he previous relationship ended. It is NOT trivial that he got angry with you when you found another woman’s panties in his home. Also, the fact that his ex seems to have carte blanche to harass you, your friends, and your co-workers seems to make this relationship far more drama than it is worth.

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    • Guy Friday

      Guy Friday June 6, 2017, 10:10 am

      I agree with everything you said except for the “carte blanche” part. This guy may be a jerk, sure, but I’m not sure what he can do to prevent his ex from stalking his current girlfriend. Police aren’t going to take a report from him with sufficient seriousness if the LW isn’t willing to press the issue too (and it sure sounds like she’d rather avoid confrontation with the ex on this from the way the letter is written.) I mean, maybe there’s some way I’m not thinking of?

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. June 6, 2017, 9:41 am

    Even if he isn’t a cheater (which I doubt) why do you want to put up with all this drama? Seriously. He treats you badly, blames you when he gets caught and has an ex who stalks your friends and comes to your work. No way. Take Wendy’s advice and run for the hills.

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  • avatar

    Kate June 6, 2017, 10:37 am

    Yes, clearly your boyfriend is shady. What more do you need to know? He lied to you, you know that. They didn’t break up 6 months before you met. You have photo and comment proof that they were together and professing love much later than that, and his story keeps changing. HE’S LYING. He’s probably cheating on you now. I know, because you posted this about 8x in the forums, along with another letter about “Sam” that gave different and somewhat conflicting, details (but even more evidence that he’s a loser) that you’re fixated on being *sure* that he’s lying – that he cheated on her with you. Well, guess what? It’s his word against his ex’s, and he’s just going to keep lying to you. Why don’t you just go with what you KNOW: he’s a liar. His apartment is full of women’s intimate belongings. His friend told you he’s sketchy. What the hell are you waiting for? Dump him.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse June 6, 2017, 10:57 am

      👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

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    • juliecatharine

      Juliecatharine June 6, 2017, 3:03 pm

      Amen.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros June 6, 2017, 10:50 am

    It’s weird how you frame not wanting to date a cheater as some sort of moral decision. The main reason you shouldn’t date a cheater is the fact that he might cheat on you. Knowing he likely cheating in the past and is dishonest about it paired with the fact that you find other women’s items in his possession means that he is almost 100% cheating ON YOU. But you’re fixating on the exact month he broke up with his ex. Even without the ex in the equation, you should have dumped him already.

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    • avatar

      MMR June 6, 2017, 11:51 am

      Agree!! LW, I don’t know how you aren’t suspicious about him cheating on you…. ??? He doesn’t even treat you well! Why are you still with him?

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  • avatar

    Vathena June 6, 2017, 11:49 am

    No one who has been in a serious, exclusive relationship for a year and a half still has an ex-girlfriend’s earrings AND UNDERWEAR in his house. He’s either cheating on you, or he’s incredibly lazy and incompetent at keeping his space in order. Both good reasons to dump him, yesterday.

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    • avatar

      carolann June 6, 2017, 8:02 pm

      When my first (aka “starter husband”)husband and I were dating I found a pair of underwear in his room /apt.(they rented a large house with an in law suite) He told me it must have been his roommates younger brother that he probably snuck a girl into his room.(he lived with another guy and his little brother moved in later…he was just graduating high school) They were a pretty crazy bunch and I didn’t even question it. I trusted him completely. Married him, had a child with him. He told me years later when I was divorcing him that his ex girlfriend (who happened to have been Miss Florida previously,not that it matters) left them when he had a “goodbye” fling/one night stand with her before he decided he was serious about me.(I’ll bet she left them on purpose)
      He dated her again briefly after we divorced.
      Don’t be stupid, if there are other girls panties laying around it is a problem. MOA

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  • avatar

    LisforLeslie June 6, 2017, 11:55 am

    You do not need to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that he is lying to you. This is not court. If you have doubts, if you don’t think things are kosher – you can leave. It’s your choice. You don’t have t o have a reason other than “This isn’t working for me.” Other reasons include “Because I want to leave.” “Because I feel like it.” and “whatever.”

    MOA. You have so many doubts not because you’re a bad person or suspicious or anything like that – you have doubts because this guy is shady as hell.

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  • avatar

    va-in-ny June 6, 2017, 12:18 pm

    So, way back, I started dating a guy and his ex HATED me. To me, it was a really unreal kind of hatred, but I accepted it thinking that she was just heartbroken over the relationship ending before she wanted it to and then sometime later, him dating me.

    What I didn’t know is that he was dating me at the same time as her, and sub-sequentially broke it off with her after a certain amount of time. I had NO IDEA. He went on to date other people while WE were together too.

    LW, I didn’t know that he had hurt the other girl by cheating on her with me. But you DO know. Deep down, you do. You know that he lied to you, and to her. I would dump this scumbag and make friends with the other girl. You probably both have a lot in common. In fact, that friendship will probably be a lot more meaningful than the relationship you currently have with this idiotic douche pirate.

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  • avatar

    Ashley June 6, 2017, 1:43 pm

    Is he super duper good in bed? I know your hoping your wrong, but like others have said, it doesn’t matter. You took the time to list all of your new boyfriends faults and problems to complete strangers, and that tells me you are not truly happy.

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  • avatar

    Miss MJ June 6, 2017, 3:45 pm

    Okay, so….his ex COULD be a liar, and he COULD have misremembered when they split up, and he COULD just innocently have another woman’s earrings in his bathroom and he COULD have also just innocently had another woman’s panties in his house and there COULD be a perfectly innocent explanation for all of it. But there isn’t. You know there isn’t. He’s lying to you, at minimum about not cheating on his ex with you, but most likely about how the earrings and panties got in his bedroom, too. Take everyone’s advice and MOA before you end up being the “psycho” ex girlfriend who’s “lying” about him being a cheater.

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  • avatar

    Kate June 6, 2017, 3:51 pm

    I also wanted to mention, I was long-distance dating this guy who came across like Mr. Amazing Boyfriend but I’d catch him in little lies, and I kinda had the feeling he was seeing other women. Once when I visited him, there were – wait for it – earrings on his nightstand. When I first asked who the hell they belonged to, he said his SISTER, who supposedly had visited. When I kept on it, he said they belonged to a girl he met at the club, a one-nighter. They *probably* belonged to his other girlfriend. Where there’s smoke there’s fire, honey.

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  • avatar

    findingtheearth June 8, 2017, 4:01 pm

    You deserve better than this.

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