I have a tendency to internet-stalk people, and I found some of her pictures on Instagram of her and Sam being all cuddly, with the caption of how in love they are. The pictures were dated just two months before Sam and I started dating. There was a comment from him with hearts and a “Yes, we are so in love — you’re the best.”
Since finding that out, I’ve casually brought up to Sam a few times that his ex still, to this day, harasses me whenever she sees me, as well as my friends. (Seriously, somehow she figured out who my best friends are and has stopped them in the street/grocery store to yell at them and demand information about our relationship! She even frequents the restaurant where I work and asks my co-workers questions.) And she has verified with him when they broke up. He has changed the “when” a few times, further proving to me that he is probably lying.
I am not okay with cheating. I’ve been cheated on and can’t stand cheaters. My question is: do I call him out? I don’t want to date a cheater, but I also do not want to end a year and a half relationship over it, necessarily. We have other issues, too. For one, whenever we go out on dates, I always offer to pay, and he never lets me except for when we go out with his friends or parents. When we do that, he purposely asks for separate bills, and then he sometimes pays for them and not for me! I don’t expect to be paid for all the time, which is why I offer to pay, but it seems odd that he won’t pay in front of others.
I also like to use the feature on Instagram where you can see what other people like. It bothers me when I post selfies on Instagram and he doesn’t like them, yet he always likes the revealing photos of other girls he knows. Another issue is that I keep finding things in his bedroom from exes (yes, plural). I found underwear in his closet that was not mine, earrings in the bathroom drawer, etc. He said they’re things his exes have left behind and it’s my fault for being nosy. Help! — Dating a Cheater?
You don’t give your age, but you sound young. Maybe college or right out of college? Please tell me this is true, because there is no excuse for a grown adult woman older than 25 putting up with this bullshit. A younger woman in her late teens/early 20s can be forgiven for not knowing better because she may not have the life experience, wisdom, and self-esteem to spot a loser, to know she deserves better, and to get the fuck out of a dead-end relationship. Honey, this guy’s a loser, you deserve better, get the fuck out of this relationship.
Come on, now: do you really think there’s any chance your boyfriend is telling the truth about breaking up with his ex months before you started dating? You have evidence that he was making lovey-dovey comments to the ex-girlfriend long after he said they broke up. Beyond that, there are numerous red flags you can’t ignore, not the least of which is his blaming you for finding another woman’s underwear in his closet!! I mean, seriously! If one of your best girlfriends told you she found another woman’s underwear in her boyfriend’s room and he BLAMED her for being nosy, what would your advice to her be? What would you think of her if she shrugged her shoulders, said “oh, well,” and kept on dating him? Surely you’d secretly side-eye her and wonder when she got so brainwashed, wouldn’t you? You’d wrack your memory trying to recall an incident or time that could explain her massive self-confidence issue, because what else would explain why she would stay with such a raging loser, right?
Don’t be that woman. Don’t be the woman who makes her friends worry about what happened to her brain and why she’s with a guy who has so little respect and regard for her. Empower yourself and be a role model for other women who get blinded by the “safety” of a relationship and fear being alone so much that they’re willing to stay with guys who cheat, lie, and gaslight: MOA!! If the strong evidence that your boyfriend cheated on his ex-girlfriend with you and lied about it isn’t enough reason for you to move on already, then pay attention to the way he’s treating you and the way he literally “likes” the objectification of women (as seen by his reaction to revealing selfies of random women on Instagram). If you seriously still think this is boyfriend material and that you can be happy with him and feel good about yourself staying in such an imbalanced relationship, then there’s nothing else I can say to you. I promise you, though, that your friends who are watching all of this go down, and who are being bombarded at the grocery store and on the street by a scorned ex, are talking amongst themselves, and they, too, can’t believe you’re still with this guy.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.