Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I Think My Boyfriend is Sleeping With His Brother’s Girlfriend…”

I have been in a relationship for about three and a half years. When I met my boyfriend, he was living with his brother, roommate-style, and his brother had a girlfriend of about two years. Things were going great until I started to notice little things between my boyfriend and his brother’s girlfriend such as: She’d come in his room and lie on his bed even with me there; they would touch each other and poke each other. And one day as I was leaving for work and it was just the three of us in the house, they both seemed anxious and they walked me to the door as if they were rushing for me to leave. We all went on vacation together and my boyfriend would stare at her entire body in such an obvious way that I’m shocked his brother didn’t notice. I catch him staring at her every time she’s around. He also had a small bruise on his hand one day and as soon as she sat next to him she noticed it. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that — I’m just saying she is extremely attentive to him. Another time when my boyfriend was in the shower, and she went in the bathroom knowing he was in there and naked. Another day he picked me up and, when we got back to his house, it was just her there and she peeked her head out from his brother’s room and he ran to her, cutting me off mid-sentence.

When it’s just he and I and she comes up in conversation, he talks bad about her and about how she isn’t really “wife material” for his brother and about how he doesn’t think she’s pretty; he even said her breath stinks sometimes. I’m so damn confused. The energy when she comes around shifts between us and I can feel it to an extreme. This stopped for a while, but recently we were at a family event and, when she and his brother showed up, my boyfriend seemed to get more excited, taking his camera out and starting to film her. They are just very flirty and laugh-y with each other. I don’t know if their close bond is like brother/sister or if this is sexual tension and they have feelings for each other.

I did bring this to my boyfriend’s attention, and it turned into a very bad argument. He accused me of being jealous and insecure when I was just trying to tell him some of these things are making me uncomfortable. He asked me why he would do that to his brother, and he told me that, if I brought it up again, he would leave the relationship. I’m starting to feel like they have had sex or are secretly having sex or are in love with each other. I’m tired of feeling like this and am honestly thinking of leaving this relationship. — Suspicious

Yeah, I think you should definitely leave the relationship. Regardless of whether your boyfriend is actually in love with his brother’s girlfriend or not, he is actively disrespecting you and disregarding your feelings, which is grounds for a break-up. In a mutually respectful relationship, when one partner expresses concern about something, the other person listens and actively tries to make reassurances and some compromises, as well as to defend any position he or she thinks needs defending, in a compassionate way. Your boyfriend isn’t doing that. He’s 100% completely gaslighting you. Rather than hearing your concerns and trying to understand your position and offer reassurance, he’s immediately turning it on you and accusing you of being insecure and jealous while shutting down any potential for discussion, telling you that, if you bring it up again, he’ll leave you. In short: the guy’s an asshole. And his relationship with his brother’s girlfriend sounds shady. When it comes to what’s going on between the two of them, you have to trust your gut. But when it comes to what’s happening between the two of you, you have a mountain of evidence that points to your boyfriend just not giving a shit about you. MOA.

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5 comments… add one
  • avatar

    artsygirl December 2, 2016, 9:36 am

    LW – there is no way forward. You have expressed that you are uncomfortable with your BF’s relationship with another woman and he refuses to address it. He is flat out saying he will not change, and you cannot change your feelings. Basically you have hit an impasse. Break up with him and find someone who respects you and your feelings.

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  • avatar

    Howdywiley December 2, 2016, 10:50 am

    MOA!!!

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  • avatar

    dinoceros December 2, 2016, 12:22 pm

    I responded to this in the forums, but short and sweet: Best-case scenario is that he’s a crappy boyfriend who isn’t all that into you. Worst-case scenario is that he is cheating, and it’s not all that unlikely. In fact, I’d say it’s probable. But either way, not a relationship you should be in.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark December 2, 2016, 1:50 pm

    I do think the BF is in love with his brother’s GF… That said — I wonder if he even knows this, or accepts this. He could be in denial. Thus saying she is not wife material — note, how he didn’t say that she is not wife material. Period. Just that she is not wife material for his brother… At any rate, MOA. You can do better.

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  • avatar

    Gwyneth6 December 2, 2016, 2:53 pm

    No dilemma here. He is not a nice boyfriend so no use trying to figure out if he likes her if they’ve had sex etc. start thinking about life without him:-)

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