Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I Thought He Was a Nice Guy, But Then He Asked Me Back to His Place”

I’m 28 and went out on a second date with — I thought — a good guy (27). While I don’t know if we had super chemistry, it was a really nice date, and he seemed kind and considerate–until the following happened.

We didn’t kiss on the first date, but during our second date, he kissed me by a secluded part of the lake and we kissed occasionally throughout the date, pretty tastefully, I guess — no heavy PDA. We held hands. It ended up being an 8 date and I enjoyed it. At the end when he walked me to my car, we had, I’d say, a heavier make-out session, standing up. Then, he asked me if I wanted to go back to his place. I said I didn’t think it was a good idea. He took it fine and we said our good nights.

I’m just thrown. Was that a harmless question? Is this normal (I’ve never had a “relationship” last longer than 5-6 dates, so I’m inexperienced)? Did I come across like I would want to have sex with him on the second date (slash “go over to his place”)? You wouldn’t be able to answer that, I know. Not that having sex on the second date is bad for people, if they want it, but it’s not me. There were possible red flags on the date, like he seemed to remember details that could fit other girls, like the school I went to or how much of a TV show I watched, but I brushed it off, because well, that stuff happens during online dating. While we were waiting for a movie, he pulled out the New York Times 36 Questions thing, but it was an app so he clearly had already downloaded it before. I thought it was kind of cute, and also a little “hmm,” but I brushed it off too.

Anyway, I haven’t decided if I want to see him again if he texts me. I don’t plan on reaching out to him although it’s disappointing since I had fun today. And I guess there won’t be “closure” if neither of us reaches out to the other, but maybe a mutual fade is best in this situation. I don’t know if I really want to go out with him and what would happen on the third date. Maybe his question of going back to his place was just in the moment. I don’t know.

UPDATE: Just to let you know: he did text me yesterday saying he enjoyed the date and he didn’t bring anything up about what I wrote to you. I did reply to him and we’ve texted a bit since. That’s the thing, he seems so normal and nice that what he said confused me. — Too Much to Think about after a Second Date

Well, color me confused. You are both in your late 20s, on a second date, enjoying some making out, which you seemingly are actively engaging in and not stopping, and when the guy asks if you’d like to go back to his place, you think that’s a red flag? For what? That a guy might be interested in spending some more time with you? In private? Being intimate? I mean… that’s normal. I guess you don’t realize that’s normal, but it is. And not only is it normal, but it’s also “nice.” Like, nice people occasionally enjoy intimacy with other nice people, and sometimes even on a second date. I don’t mean to shock you, but sometimes it even happens on a first date. And while you say that “having sex on a second date isn’t bad for people,” implying that you don’t judge it, I think you absolutely do judge it. You’re certainly judging this guy who — not for nothing — didn’t pressure you, didn’t kiss you on the first date, and immediately dropped the topic when you declined his invitation to go back to his place (which doesn’t necessarily mean he was only interested in having sex with you. Maybe he just wanted to continue making out, but doing so in a more private and comfortable locale. Maybe he wanted to show you his record collection. Maybe he just wanted to go over more of the 36 questions with you).

And I think it’s weird that his remembering details about you is also a red flag for you. I get that you’re inexperienced — clearly — but a guy remembering where you went to school and what TV shows you like is only showing sincere interest in you. In fact, this sincere interest in you as a person — your personal history and your interests — directly refutes your implication that he’s only interested in sex or somehow not respecting you. He’s not only showing interest in getting to know you — that 36 questions thing, as silly as you may find it, is another example — but he is also showing interest in you physically, AND respecting your personal boundaries, AND following up your dates by reaching out and continuing conversing with you. SO, WHAT’S THE PROBLEM HERE? I don’t get it. Are you just looking for something to not like? Are you afraid of what will happen if this goes past the sixth date? Are you afraid of being in a relationship, being intimate with someone? At 28, these are serious issues, and you may want to consider talking to a therapist about your concerns. You’re hung up on what’s normal and what isn’t, but the only person in this scenario who is acting in an atypical way is you.

I have been dating a guy for about a month. He always plans to see me enough in advance and puts a lot of effort into the dates that he takes me on. I feel that we have a ton in common. He will tell me how refreshing I am and different than any other girl he has met, that I am genuine and that sometimes he feels like I am “too good to be true.” But it has only been about six months since he and his ex-girlfriend were together (they dated on and off for five years), and I have this sinking feeling that he is not over her.

I can’t help but wonder if he is trying to overcompensate and heal his hurt by putting so much effort into dates with me. When we are not together, we rarely talk unless we send a few short texts here or there to plan to see each other, he never flirts with me through the texts, and sometimes, although he will message me, he will not respond to my replies. It makes me question if he is really interested in me. We have had sex twice now and both times he lost his erection about halfway through. He said that this was a recent problem and it was super embarrassing, so, of course, I told him don’t worry about it, but I could not help but feel like it’s because he is not attracted to me or is thinking of his ex.

He told me as he was lying there that he has anxiety and gets nervous around me because he likes me but was feeling like I was too good to be true. I guess my point is I am not sure how literally to take the things he says and all the sweet gestures when he doesn’t flirt or seem sexually attracted to me. The last guy I dated ended up completely rejecting me and I am so fearful of it happening again this time around, especially because I have already developed feelings for him. How should I interpret the things he says? — Not Too Good To Be True

 
So, the sinking feeling you have that he is not over his ex is based entirely on his lack of flirting with you in texts and his erectile issues the two times you tried to have sex? What do either of these things have to do with his ex? Nothing! They literally have nothing to do with his ex at all. The lack of flirting in texts could 100% be the way he is — not everyone flirt-texts. You say he’s using texts to plan dates with you, which is… normal. That shows normal interest in you. Not everyone uses texts to chitchat throughout the day and stay in touch. Not everyone has time for that.

I just don’t understand how, on one hand, you’re concerned that he’s putting so much effort into dates with you because you think that’s overcompensating for something and you can’t truly believe he’d be that interested in you, and then, on the other hand, you’re using his lack of flirty texts to support that he’s not really interested in you. Well, which is it? He’s either showing too much interest in you to be believable, or not enough. Pick a lane.

Like the first LW, you sound like you’re just looking for reasons to not like/trust this guy. You have baggage from a previous relationship and are projecting it onto this guy. Not every guy is going to be the last guy you dated who “completely rejected” you, and if you’re “so fearful of that happening again,” to the point that you can’t trust a guy’s intention when he puts efforts into dates with you, you aren’t ready to be dating again.

Here’s the thing: There’s a good chance you’re going to be hurt again. That just happens in dating. Even when you find your right match, you can still get hurt, because we’re all human and we all say and do things that hurt the people we love. And until you meet the right match, you are probably going to date guys who are the wrong match for you. Sometimes you may like them and they don’t like you back. Or they like you and you don’t like them back. Or you both like each other a lot and enjoy spending time together but realize you have different values or different goals or are looking for different things or simply don’t have enough in common or enough of a shared communication style to sustain a serious relationship. And that can hurt. It can hurt more that unreciprocated feelings because it’s so frustrating to get close to finding what you’re looking for only to have it be not quite right. All of these things can create semblances of a broken heart. You need to be prepared to handle a broken heart when you’re dating, just like you need to be prepared for a flood if you live in the panhandle of Florida during hurricane season. Broken hearts come with the dating territory. It’s always a risk when you allow yourself to like someone and pursue a relationship with him. But with risk often comes reward. You have to be ready for both or… you’re not ready.

It’s ok to not be ready — if the sting of your previous rejection is still too fresh to risk such a feeling again. But don’t blame someone else for that fear. This new guy has nothing to do with that. And it’s unfair to project your fear onto him and to search for reasons not to trust him. If you aren’t ready, own that, and get off the dating track until you are. Because when you’re not ready and you’re projecting your fear onto others and looking for ways to judge their conduct or their intentions, you create baggage for them. YOU become the person who hurts and rejects. If this guy is as into you as he says he is and you aren’t able to invest in a relationship with him because you’re too afraid, that affects him. And you know how that might be manifesting? In anxiety. Like, anxiety in the bedroom. (Yes, it’s a real thing. Guys can have problems staying hard because they feel anxious and like they’re being judged. And there’s a real reason this guy could be feeling that. Anxiety caused by your reaction towards him makes a hell of a lot more sense than his not being attracted to you or being too hung up on an ex.)

A lot of this could be solved by communicating. And not over texts! Talk to him in person — reassure him how much you like him, tell him that your heart is still a little raw from the guy who rejected you before him, and express your concern that be may still have feelings for his ex. The two of you both need to feel safe with each other and assured that feelings are real and you both have similar intentions here. Until that happens, you will probably both continue to have anxiety, and you’ll likely both leave the relationship feeling stung and like the other never really liked you, which doesn’t sound like the case at all.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy​(AT)​dearwendy.com.

43 comments… add one
  • avatar

    LisforLeslie September 5, 2017, 10:16 am

    LW #1: OK, so he’s moving too fast for you, but he’s not moving too fast. WWS – he respected your boundaries and is showing actual interest in you, not just your body. Talk to him, tell him that you need to take your time. His reaction will give you a lot of information and will help you determine if you want to stay or go.

    LW #2: From my perspective, this has nothing to do with his ex, it’s that by saying “you’re too good to be true” and unlike any other girl he’s ever met, he’s putting you on a pedestal and that’s an uncomfortable position to be in. He may not even realize that he’s doing it, but if he idealizes you, he’ll become very disappointed when he understands your faults and issues. You want someone who can accept you with those faults and issues, and not someone who either dismisses them or says they like you despite your faults and issues. Loving you with issues is very different than loving you despite your issues.

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  • avatar

    Ruby Thursday September 5, 2017, 10:18 am

    Wow, I wish I had guy “problems” like these in my 20s.

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  • avatar

    Fyodor September 5, 2017, 10:25 am

    I think that there’s a perception from some women, that if a guy wants to have sex early, that they’re only interested in a hookup and not a relationship. This isn’t true. One thing has very little to do with another. He could have just as easily been afraid that you would be insulted that he didn’t invite you over after making out.

    There’s also this weird sense of rigid and incomprehensible dating rules. “Sure we made out in front of his car, but only SLUTS go to a man’s house on the second date. How dare he suggest such a thing?”

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  • avatar

    Janelle September 5, 2017, 10:27 am

    Someone wanting to have sex with you doesn’t mean all they want is to have sex with you.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo September 5, 2017, 10:27 am

    Dear Wendy,

    I have recently been dating a man who showed sincere interest in me and it creeped me out. I mean, I think this guy might want to have sex with me. I have such a low opinion of myself that I feel the need to attribute his interest in me to some serious deficiency in him, and I want you to help me figure out what it is, since he seems so nice. I am especially suspicious when he remembers details about me and puts effort into making our dates special. I mean, that is super-psycho stalker creepy. Obviously, there is nothing about me that would justify this personal and romantic pursuit, so he must be some sort of weirdo. Could you please help to confirm that my view of the world should be based on fear rather than possibility? Because otherwise, i’m going to be forced to talk to this guy out loud in words.

    Geez Louise, LW1, since I was old enough to have a place to take a girl to, it’s been this: if she wasn’t into me, she wouldn’t start making out with me. If we were far enough along to get to some serious standup, involving tongue and possibly upstairs outsideys, then we would almost inevitably proceed to the deed. Because we were grown adults and liked each other, and “making out” is something high school kids do. It’s fine if you don’t want to have sex, but this guy has not crossed any problematic lines. He even let you be gracefully after you led him on in a pretty serious way.

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    • juliecatharine

      Juliecatharine September 5, 2017, 10:38 am

      Diablo I’m with you up until your last sentence. Making out with a guy is not leading him on. Not at all.

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  • avatar

    Janelle September 5, 2017, 10:47 am

    Saying that by making out with someone you are seriously leading him on and that people don’t make out outside of high school are just appalling comments. You are allowed to make out with someone without any expectation for sex. To think otherwise makes me wonder if you’re borderline rapist @Diabo. Something is seriously wrong with you if that is your mentality. Also, plenty of adults make out. The guy I am seeing, and yes have sex with, and I had a nice little make out session the other night, without sex.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy September 5, 2017, 11:17 am

      Woah, diablo is not a rapist! But I agree, that suggesting that it was a very strange — and wrong! — to suggest that making out with someone without the intent to have sex is leading him on in a pretty serious way. This is the kind of argument a dumb high school kid would make, not a grown adult who respects people’s personal boundaries.

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      • Diablo

        Diablo September 5, 2017, 11:20 am

        Agree to disagree, and that’s not what I said.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy September 5, 2017, 11:46 am

        Definitely disagree with your argument that she was leading him on by kissing him heavily. Leading him on to/for WHAT? To say she was leading him on implies she owes him something or was leading him to believe more was coming and only someone with an enormous sense of entitlement would have expectations for physical intimacy on a second date, after some kissing.

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      • avatar

        Janelle September 5, 2017, 11:28 am

        The anger over leading someone on for kissing gives me the pressuring to have sex, forceful vibe. Like, you owe it to me because you led me on. Creeps me out.

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      • avatar

        Bittergaymark September 5, 2017, 12:14 pm

        Oh, for FUCKS sake. Diablo is so NOT saying that she led him on and thus should go right on ahead and rape her. But RATHER that she led him on into thinking that she might have actually wanted sex. Which — clearly she didn’t.
        .
        I dunno. As a gay man I don’t believe I have ever had a “heavy make out session” and not had it lead to something much more interesting. But then I am not some dreary sexually repressed 28 year old — dreaming up reason I forever stay alone — so what the fuck do I know.

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    • avatar

      MaggieB September 5, 2017, 11:19 am

      What a horrid and uncalled-for accusation, Janelle. There’s a HUGE difference between feeling that someone’s giving you signs that they want to have sex, and pressuring or forcing someone into it.

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    • Diablo

      Diablo September 5, 2017, 11:20 am

      I think you are quite easily appalled. I think that “making out” is an extremely silly expression for what two people do that isn’t full on sex. I moved on from that kind of talk when I was still in my teens. So yes, i was mocking it by also using the quaint expression “upstairs outsideys,” which i also think should not be used unironically by grown adults. Likewise, to “make out” heavily with another grown-up in his late 20s is to lead him on. I would get the idea that this woman was wanting my physical advances, sure. That is not the same thing as an “expectation of sex.” which i have never had at any time with anyone. The guy in the letter didn’t either, even though i think she led him on. Instead, he accepted her no gracefully. And since we are slinging judgments, i think it’s pretty appalling for you to call me a borderline rapist for giving what I think is a reasonable perspective. Check my post history – my previous post to this was yet another stultifying proclamation of my enduring 28 years of love , respect and fidelity to my wife, who I have been with exclusively. If anything, those are the posts that are in appallingly bad taste.

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      • avatar

        Fyodor September 5, 2017, 11:26 am

        I think that “leading him on” is a bit of a loaded phrase that I think may imply things that you don’t mean.

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        LisforLeslie September 5, 2017, 11:38 am

        I agree with Fyodor – it’s a loaded phrase. If I understand the thought you’re trying to put forward: the LW participated in some ‘heavy petting’ that could have led to sex … or not. In this case, she went as far as she was comfortable. He took the physical and asked about going further and didn’t press after she declined.

        “Led him on “, “being a tease” and “cocktease” are all loaded phrases that imply that she knowingly aroused him and made him think he was getting more than she was willing to give. It goes back to that whole “men can’t control themselves and want sex all the time and women are the gatekeepers and any woman who has sex is a slut” – and I’m not saying that’s what you were saying, I was putting it out there because this LW seems a bit wrapped up in that kind of thinking too.

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      • avatar

        Janelle September 7, 2017, 8:54 pm

        Never said I was appalled. Never felt that way. Thinking kissing means sex (her thoughts) and your leading on comment are exactly the rapist words commonly used. She was dressed proactive. She lead me on. Said it sounded like something rapists have said.

        It’s just creepy. Period. Kissing is kissing. Sex is sex. If I kissed a man and he thought I led him on I then would be appalled. Led him in to think I liked him and was attracted to him, sure. Led him on to believe some kissing meant sex. No. That being said I don’t agree he thought that. I think your leading on comment implies that heavily.

        Oh and I just saw this after a few days.

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  • avatar

    wobster109 September 5, 2017, 10:48 am

    LW2 – To be honest I’m not into that “different from other girls” because she’s “genuine” thing. This is a guy who looks down on women in general. He probably thinks that women are dumb or shallow or “out to get you”. I’m not into guys who think poorly of women as a whole.

    It’s not a compliment. How many guys would enjoy being told “men are dumb, angry, and out to use you for sex in general, but you’re different”? I think most men would rightfully be offended.

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    • avatar

      RedroverRedrover September 5, 2017, 12:10 pm

      Totally agree with you. It’s like when black people get told they don’t “act black” or “sound black”, as if that’s a compliment. It implies that something’s wrong with the group, but that you’re “better” than that group because you don’t share some of the stereotypical traits. That’s fucked. And don’t even get me started about women who say that about themselves. They usually have some pretty serious issues.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph September 5, 2017, 2:55 pm

      Agreed. “You’re not like other girls” is a big fat red flag. Next, I bet his ex is a “crazy ex girlfriend.” I think I’d nope out on this one.

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  • avatar

    Brise September 5, 2017, 11:22 am

    Reading LW1, I forgot she was 28 and thought she was probably a teenager. Then I read Wendy’s answer and had to check the letter again about LW’s age. Just relax, LW1. Don’t count so much (number of dates and so on). Just let develop in you the feeling. He seems to be a nice guy!

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  • Copa

    Copa September 5, 2017, 11:45 am

    LW1 – Your letter is confusing because from everything you wrote, he seems like a nice, normal guy. It’s super *nice* that he remembers details about you. I’ve invited guys over after a few dates — or gone to their places instead — without any expectations of taking things further. Just because he invites you over, doesn’t necessarily means he’s expecting to sleep with you, and just because someone wants to sleep with you, it doesn’t mean that’s all he wants. And say you make out with someone then decide to go back to their place with them — you’re not obligated to sleep with them, and and I *hope* in your late 20s you at least know that much.

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  • avatar

    ele4phant September 5, 2017, 12:15 pm

    LW1 – its fine if you want to move at a slower pace, and sex (or even being together alone in private) isn’t something you’re okay doing. Your attitude is within the realm of normal, lots of experienced late-twenty somethings also don’t want to jump into sex on the first date, and that’s fine.

    But it’s also within the realm of normal to ratchet up physical intensity, so he wasn’t out of bounds either. Neither of you were out of bounds, neither of you were giving red flags or misleading the other, you communicated your boundary and he seemed to respect it. All good news.

    See him again (if you’re interested), and stop worrying about if he was too fast or you were too slow. You’re both fine.

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  • avatar

    RedroverRedrover September 5, 2017, 12:18 pm

    Eh, I think the responses to LW1 have been a little harsh. Personally I’ve never had a guy try to sleep with me on the second date, and if they had tried, I wouldn’t have liked it. I wouldn’t have considered it a “red flag”, because I understand that it’s pretty common now, but I still wouldn’t have liked it. I think it might be cultural, and depending on what microcosm of culture you grew up in, it was normal or it wasn’t. For me, it wasn’t. A guy doing this would have been “fast”. And there are definitely places in the US where going this fast isn’t normal for “nice” guys. The LW might be from one of them.

    I’m not saying she shouldn’t get used to it, because she probably should. But I can totally see how someone who’s not used to guys being this forward could be thrown by it. Like I said, I would have been.

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    • avatar

      ele4phant September 5, 2017, 12:31 pm

      I mean, maybe it’s a “red flag” that he’s not the right guy for her, but not a “red flag” that all he wants from her is sex.

      Some people are more comfortable moving quickly with the physical intimacy; it doesn’t necessarily mean that’s all they are after. It may be a sign of incompatibility though.

      I would say, he respected her boundary and if he still wants to see her, I wouldn’t write him off. If she was excited about seeing him again before he proposed going home together, she should go out with him again. Where I stand, he seems like a normal respectful guy, although her attitude towards sex and when it happens is also normal.

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    • avatar

      Fyodor September 5, 2017, 12:39 pm

      I guess what is jarring about it is that they had just made out heavily immediately before. So it’s weird that she thinks his relatively mild suggestion that they go to his place to be some completely disgusting escalation that calls his intentions into question.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy September 5, 2017, 12:44 pm

        Exactly! I mean, I don’t think the LW was “leading him on” but making out with him, but I also don’t think it was forward in the least to go from making out to inviting your date to your place. It’s a natural, normal progression that really doesn’t raise red flags in terms of general behavior. Now, if going home with someone of a second date is too fast for you, then don’t go. But to clutch your pearls at the mere invitation is a little odd.

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      • avatar

        MMR September 5, 2017, 1:01 pm

        this.

        He didn’t cut her off mid-sentence to ask if she would take her pants off. He just asked if she wanted to take the thing they were doing even further.

        Her response does strike me as someone who has led a VERY sheltered life, but she’s obviously totally entitled to not do anything she doesn’t want to.

        I will also note, that if she’s waiting for marriage to have sex, she’ll probably have better luck on religion-bases dating sites.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros September 5, 2017, 6:23 pm

      Do we know for sure that he definitely meant sex? Because sometimes when a guy has asked me to go to his place, it’s been because there’s nowhere else to go unless we want to eat another meal or sit outside in the dark for a while, or to make out. I mean, I’m 31, and I think my patience for making out while standing in a parking lot or next to a lake is fairly limited.

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph September 5, 2017, 1:03 pm

    I once went back to a guy’s house on the second date. And reader, I married him. I had to, because once I had given up my virtue, I was ruined for all other men.

    Oh wait, no, that’s not what happened. We didn’t even have sex that night. And I married him because I love him. Oops.

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  • avatar

    ReadytoMingle September 5, 2017, 1:05 pm

    LW1, I think you sound very childish and not ready to date adults. You seem very immature or sheltered. Maybe you should meet someone at church and just hold hands until you are comfortable. I agree that kissing heavily, when you seem so immature for anything else, might give him the message that you are into hooking up further. That is not his fault for thinking that. He seemed like a catch to me.

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  • avatar

    Lucy September 5, 2017, 2:14 pm

    Letter #1 was very enjoyable. 10/10 would LOL again. Best part was the comment about “tasteful” PDA.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros September 5, 2017, 6:20 pm

    LW1: It sounds like you think that him asking you to go to his place is inherently bad, but it’s not. If he had been aggressive about it or pouted when you said no, or if you’d gone, and he’d been aggressive then, then that would be bad. Simply asking is not. It’s not an insult for him to think you might want to. You were already making out, so it’s not a stretch for him to think you might want to continue doing that in a more private place. If you find that you two have very different ideas of dating, like you don’t want to go to his home until date 12, then that might become an issue of compatibility, but it doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. Or if you don’t like him enough to want to pursue things further, then you can also stop seeing him.

    LW2: I think you’re jumping to conclusions. Yes, sometimes people need more time to get over an ex. But sometimes people don’t. The reasons he gave for his sex issues are pretty valid. And maybe he just isn’t a flirtatious person. I think it might be good for you guys to have a conversation about where you see things going. It sounds like you’re assuming he’s just dating you to fill a void. There’s no evidence so far of that, just that you are particularly apprehensive because of your own baggage.

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  • TheLadyE

    TheLadyE September 5, 2017, 9:07 pm

    LW1: For context, I’m 34 and my most recent ex-boyfriend is 30. On our second date, it was going really well and my house was close by, so after we had dinner we mutually decided to go back to my house for him to meet my dog and have a drink on the porch. Spoiler alert: we did make out – a lot! – but we didn’t have sex, and I also don’t think that was leading him on. (He also didn’t kiss me on the first date, either, same as you.) He may have slept with me if I’d been willing, but we both agreed we wanted to wait until we’d been together longer. Going back to someone’s house doesn’t always mean sex – I’d venture to say don’t even think that’s what he means. He may not say no if you said yes, but he sounds like a really nice guy who listens and cares and wouldn’t have expected that. As other people have said, it’s also really awkward to make out in public for any length of time.

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  • avatar

    Kate September 6, 2017, 10:17 am

    I haven’t read all the comments but yeah, LW1, I don’t see the big deal at all. Making out on a second date is not at all uncommon, and I don’t blame a guy for asking if I’d like to come over to his place. Like… Why wouldn’t he if things are getting a little steamy? My husband and I were making out in a cab on date 2, and we got to his place first and he asked if I wanted to come in. I was just like, nah, gotta get home. He wasn’t a jerk for asking… I just wasn’t ready at that point, and wanted to get to know him better.

    FWIW, I think the 36 questions thing on a second date is super cheesy.

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    • avatar

      Kate September 6, 2017, 10:25 am

      Actually, unpopular opinion, but I think the 36-question thing is a bad idea all around. Wasn’t it just a scientific experiment to see if they could get two strangers to fall in love? I don’t think it’s meant to be used to help people get to know each other during dating. That’s going to happen naturally. Why try to force it along with a tool like that which, honestly, has a lot of potential to deeply upset someone with trauma in their past?

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  • avatar

    findingtheearth September 6, 2017, 12:12 pm

    Just because someone asks you back to their place, doesn’t mean it’s for sex. Maybe making out standing up outside was uncomfortable for him and he wanted to make out somewhere more comfortable?

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  • avatar

    LW1 September 6, 2017, 5:32 pm

    Hi all, while most of the comments have died down, I wanted to post to try to clarify a few things.

    Thank you for your comments, even though some are a bit bruising to one’s anonymous ego. I will be the first to admit that I am inexperienced in relationships. I’ve never been in this situation before. And yes, I am a virgin. This is why I submitted my question–to get a “barometer” on what is normal or considered normal. Sure, my immediate reaction was a bit offended, but I can certainly change my views, now understanding what may have been going on his mind.

    I do know that his place does not equal sex. I guess I panicked writing that letter. It was 10 pm and his place was about 20 minute car ride away. We’d have to drive separately. Maybe it was the homebody in me who just wanted to go home at that time.

    Lastly, I mistyped my letter. I should’ve written he misremembered details, i.e. he was wrong. Like I said, I think that’s minor and I’ve pretty much forgotten about it (other than now).

    I’m seeing him again this weekend. I’m looking forward to it and I’m hoping to bring up My comfort level and see how reacts.

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      Kate September 6, 2017, 6:10 pm

      Why bring anything up? You don’t really have to talk about stuff at this point, just do what you’re cool with and then go home.

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        Taylor September 8, 2017, 7:48 am

        LW (hi LW!) said she’s a virgin, so I think bringing up her comfort level/experience on a third or fourth date seems reasonable. Have a fun date 🙂

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        Kate September 8, 2017, 8:24 am

        Yeah, I get that, but I wouldn’t bring it up until I was pretty sure I wanted to sleep with him. Otherwise he’s going to hear it as, I want to lose my virginity to you. And why open that door if he’s not the guy.

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    LisforLeslie September 8, 2017, 7:22 am

    It’s totally cool to say that you’d like to take things slow and get to know one another before jumping into bed. You don’t need to tell him you’re a virgin or any further details.

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