He’s Korean and I feel that he’s ashamed of me because I’m white – he also fibbed about his real name (he was “ashamed” to tell me his Korean name). Everybody says he’s cheating or has a wife and kids, but I don’t want to believe it because he treats me better than how my ex-boyfriend treated me. I’m stuck in a weird spot and I’m scared to say goodbye to him because he has been so great to me besides the not seeing his apartment aspect.
What should I do? I know you can’t tell me directly; I just want to know thoughts on this. My friends all give me the same advice – dump him! But that’s much easier said than done. When I tried to break up with him, all I did was cry for weeks and lose my appetite. I guess my question is, how can I help him trust me? Is this even a trust issue? — Feeling Pathetic
What do you mean I can’t tell you what you should do? Of course I can. Move On Already! What I can’t do, unfortunately, is force you to take that advice, which is sad because I know your type and I know you’ll probably keep seeing this guy until he dumps you eventually (or, more likely, his wife finds out about you and goes psycho, making your life a lot more complicated than you’ll be prepared to deal with).
You know I’m right. You know your friends are right. You know in your gut there’s something majorly off about this guy. Two years together and you’ve never seen his apartment?! He doesn’t want you to know where he lives because he’s afraid you’ll STALK him?! Who says that to a significant other? Who thinks that about a significant other? Worry that your girlfriend will think you’re a slob. Worry that she’ll make fun of your empty refrigerator. Worry that she’ll find the evening gown and pearls buried deep in your closet that you like to dress up in when no one’s home. But worry about her stalking you? That’s not normal.
You know your relationship isn’t healthy. And you know you should MOA, but you won’t. Why? Because you know it’s going to hurt and you can’t stand the idea of creating your own pain. But, guess what. You’re already creating your own pain. By staying with someone you know isn’t honest about who he is, you’re creating your own kind of hell. By staying with someone who at best worries about you stalking him, and more realistically, worries that you’ll ruin his marriage, you’re creating your own pain. You’re telling yourself you don’t deserve any better. You’re telling yourself you don’t deserve a genuine relationship with a man who wants to share his life with you.
Girl, your boyfriend doesn’t even want to share his address with you. Think about that.
And if you still want to stay with him, the only thing I have to say is: good luck.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org and be sure to follow me on Twitter.