If you’re reading this, you’re logged onto the internet, and if you’re online, you’ve definitely heard by now that Jennifer Aniston, best know as the unlucky-in-love ex of Brad Pitt and actress in some 90s sitcom where she had shaggy hair, is ENGAGED, y’all. Stop the presses!! The 43-year-old has accepted the proposal of Justin Theroux, who popped the question on his birthday this past Friday. Finally, now everyone can stop talking about what a sad sack she must be and how Brad Pitt left her for Angelina Jolie like a decade ago.
But of course, people aren’t really ever going to stop talking about that. Now the race is on: who will make it to the altar first (there’s speculation that Pitt and Jolie may get married on a chateau in the South of France as early as this weekend… though I’m pretty sure that’s been the speculation for the last seven years). Then there will be a race to see which couple will be the first to welcome a new kid to the family. At 43, it’s unlikely that Aniston can have children the old-fashioned way, but maybe she’ll try. Or maybe she’ll pull a Jolie and adopt a baby from like Kathmandu. Only time will tell.
If Aniston’s smart — and I’m not suggesting she is — she’ll leave people guessing for a long, long time — like, so long they pretty much forget who she is. That doesn’t mean she has to put her life on hold or anything. But if I were she, I’d retreat as far away from the glare of the Hollywood spotlight as possible. That would mean, of course, first moving away from Hollywood. Maybe she and Theroux could do like Demi Moore and Bruce Willis did back when everyone forgot who they were because they lived on a ranch in Idaho or some place. No one cares about anyone who lives on a ranch in Idaho, even if said person did once bone Brad Pitt. She would be forgotten by the end of the year, or at least until word got out that her baby arrived from Nepal.
And then? There might be a tabloid story or two about how Theroux, overwhelmed by the new pressures of marriage and parenthood and missing his acting career, was reaching out to his ex-girlfriend whom he dated for 14 years before Aniston caught his eye. There might be a photo of a tight-lipped, too-thin Aniston, clutching her baby and looking worried, that would go viral. But if she stays on that ranch in Idaho and doesn’t surface again for many, many years, this marriage might work out. I mean, well, let’s face it, it probably won’t, but at least it will have a better chance than if she keeps doing what she’s been doing.
I wonder if she and Theroux will get matching highlights for their wedding like she and Brad did. I’d advise against that. If she asked.
[via Daily Mail]