I’m on vacation through May 13th and will be re-posting some of my more popular columns in the meantime. This one was originally published on Dear Wendy on February 18, 2011.
I’m a sophomore in college. Over winter break four of my guy friends from high school tried to kiss me. The kicker? All four of these “men” are in relationships. Even if I’m sending some sort of subliminal “open for business” signal, it hardly seems right that they would approach even the most sultry of vixens (which I am not…) with the intention of cheating. I’m currently questioning whether I can trust any man — at least any man under 25 — to stay loyal in a relationship when I seem to serve as an overwhelming example of their willingness to stray. — Confused in College
I promise that there are many college guys who are wonderful and trustworthy and deserving of your time and attention, just as I’m sure that being a jerk is not limited to youth or gender. What you need to do is develop a great BS detector — which it sounds you are well on your way to doing — and work on cultivating an open heart and an open mind so that while you detract the jerks, you actively attract the good guys to your life. I swear to God, good ones do exist even if the following letters would indicate otherwise.
A month ago I was snooping on my live-in boyfriend’s computer and found that he had an online dating profile. I confronted him, and he swore up and down that it was a joke that his friends created. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe his dumb friends really did make it and I was overreacting. Cut to a couple days ago I was snooping again and I stumbled upon his MySpace where he had a dozen or so friends — all female and mostly naked in their display pictures — with flirty messages to them. I looked at his Facebook and saw he was doing similar stuff there too. He said that these girls were friends and that he had just lost their phone numbers and was trying to get in touch with them. He swears he has never cheated on me, but I know that I can’t trust him again. Still, I want to believe him when he says that he loves me and really does want to be with me. What should I do? — Snooper Trooper
If you know you can’t trust him again, what on earth is their left to salvage of your relationship? Nothing! Move out (or, better yet, kick him out) and MOA! This guy is a megawatt dick, and you’re foolish for sticking around this long.
I have been in a relationship for four years now. Things weren’t great in the first three years due to some family issues, but there was still talk of marriage one day. After our third anniversary came and went, I started asking about a proposal, and to my shock I was told there will be no marriage and he doesn’t want one EVER. I was heartbroken and in shock. A year has passed since then, and I have brought it up once or twice to make sure he was telling me the truth and he confirmed he has no interest in marriage. I am 30-years old and I don’t want to give up on my dreams of building a family of my own but I don’t want to leave the man I love. Please help! — Dreaming of Marriage
Oh, sweetie, you need to quit wasting your precious time and face the reality that this guy is never, ever going to marry you. MOA before another fours years pass by without your dreams of marriage and children being realized. You still have plenty of time to find someone else, but the longer you stay with him, that window of opportunity is going to get smaller and smaller.
My boyfriend and I met in college and have been together for over three years. I graduated from college and am now attending law school and working part-time, but my boyfriend, who is three years older, has done nothing since he graduated college in 2009, and I mean NOTHING! He moved in with me last August and owes me a lot of money for rent and utilities as he has no job. He’s said that he wants to write screenplays, but he is doesn’t finish any of them! Do I end things when my lease is up, because I can’t afford my apartment by myself, or do I just try to work through it? My mom wants me to find someone with drive, who can help me, but I love my boyfriend and love being with him. He has a history of cheating on me, even though he won’t admit it, but I think we’re past that. Please Help! — I’m with Lazy
Do me a favor, and read the two letters above yours and think about what advice you’d give those ladies. Now, apply the same advice — which, hopefully, is to MOA!!! — to yourself because the essence of your letter is identical to theirs (you even have the same final sentence as the last one). Have enough self-respect to know that you deserve better and enough faith that you’ll find better and quit letting this loser take total advantage of you.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.