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“I’m Bisexual and Feel So Alone”

I used to say I was just bi-curious when I felt physical and emotional attraction to girls, but after nearly 12 years (I’m 24) of being in a “phase,” I finally came out to myself and I cried! I have not told any of my friends or family because I’m scared to death of what they may think. I used to not believe in bisexuality because I was told it was gross and wrong, plus I didn’t have any positive bisexual role models growing. I wish I was one or the other — gay or straight — but I’m just not. If I was gay, my family would be understanding but they feel you are either gay or straight and I totally disagree with that obviously. I don’t find all women attractive but then again I don’t find all men attractive either, so for some time I thought it was normal for straight girls to feel this way. I have never been with a woman but I would like to be and I am open to it. I have nobody to talk to about this, and I feel all alone. I live in Texas and they are not exactly gay-friendly let alone bisexual-friendly here. My school has no LGBT groups I can go to. I cry at night because I feel so alone and I need help now. What should I do? Do you think I’m straight up bisexual or its still just a phase? Does it even really exist? — Bisexual and Alone


I can’t tell you if you’re “straight up bisexual” because I’m not you. I’m not in your head. I’m not feeling what you’re feeling. But I do know that the confusion and pain your describe is real. I know that sexuality is fluid and that bisexuality absolutely exists and if you feel in your heart that you are drawn to both men and women, then that isn’t something to shy away from or feel ashamed of; that’s something to embrace because that’s who you are. That’s who you are, and there’s nothing wrong with it.

I don’t know what it’s like to be bisexual, but I know what it’s like to feel alone, and I know what it’s like to feel confused, and I even know what it’s like to feel as though you’re letting down the people who love and care for you. But the one thing that will help you feel less of those things will be connecting with other people who are in the same boat as you. Even though you live in Texas and your school doesn’t have an LGBT group, you can connect with people online, speak with people at LGBT hotlines, or find bisexual organizations in Texas that you might be able to connect with/drive to. In addition, you may find these links to be helpful as well. You may even decide, after some more soul-searching, that living in an area where you feel more accepted and embraced is crucial to your well-being, and thank God, there are plenty of those places in this country. You don’t even have to leave Texas! Austin, for example, is a very progressive city with numerous LGBT organizations.

Since you are in school, I would also suggest taking advantage of whatever counseling services are available to you on campus. You may not have a specific LGBT group you can connect with, but talking to a professional about the process of coming out — first to yourself, and then to your friends and family down the line — will be instrumental in helping you feel less alone. Your school’s mental health/wellness program will likely even have LGBT-specific resources you haven’t discovered on your own. I assure you you are not the first college student to grapple with her sexuality. Even in Texas.

You aren’t alone, my dear. There isn’t anything wrong with you. You are perfectly normal and perfectly wonderful no matter whom you find yourself attracted to. And in the words of Dan Savage, it gets better. It gets a lot better, and accepting who you are is only the first step in getting there.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

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{ 44 comments… add one }

avatar oldie May 17, 2011, 3:09 pm

Bisexuality is real, and you are not alone, but you seem to have allowed a search for a self-label and validation of whatever that label is to drive you into relationship paralysis and dispair. I don’t know why you are alone. You say there are both men and women whom you find attractive. Go for it. One way or the other beats no way. You don’t have to be hot and heavy telling them you are bisexual. Start any relationship and see how things go. If the relationship works, your partner is likely as put off by an attraction to another member of either sex. If it doesn’t work out, feel free to explore a relationship with someone of a different sex than your first companion. Unless you have an open relationship, you will eventually have to restrict yourself to one person, in any case. At that point physical attractions to persons of either sex become simply eye candy to be avoided.

avatar oldie May 17, 2011, 3:13 pm

I guess my main point is that LW is 99% likely to pair up with either a gay woman or a straight man, not another bisexual person, so finding other bisexuals to hang with is not necessary and she should just venture into dating and relationships of either orientation and see how they go. Likely, even though she is bisexual, she leans more strongly in one direction and other than satisfying some curiousity in the other direction will gravitate in the direction that her sexuality leans.

avatar absurdfiction May 17, 2011, 10:22 pm

One caveat the LW should prepare herself for: there is a fair amount of prejudice against bisexuals in the gay and lesbian community too. It’s not just an issue of homophobia from straight folks. I’ve known that I’m bisexual since before I knew there was a word for it, and I’ve occasionally been made to feel as if I’m not “queer enough” to date “real lesbians.” Of course not all gay people feel that way, and I’ve had amazing relationships with men and women with a wide variety of sexual identities. I just think the LW ought to steel herself for some hate from both ends of the spectrum — I don’t think most people realize bi-bashing is even an issue!

avatar Turtledove May 17, 2011, 3:11 pm

Wendy had good advice about looking for LBGT resources. I would also say, just because you’ve come out to yourself, it doesn’t necessarily follow that you have to come out to other people immediately. I would look for resources and find a better understanding of bisexuality for myself before trying to talk to my family about it. Try talking to a counselor and a close friend or two who will be able to help you feel more comfortable talking about it and who will be able to help you anticipate what questions other friends and family may have. It’s not a bad thing or a lie to sit on the news for a bit and pick your timing to bring it up.

avatar TECH May 17, 2011, 3:14 pm

It’s probably not a phase if you’ve been feeling this way for 12 years. Wendy’s right, sexuality is a very fluid thing. If you read about the Kinsey scale, you’ll see that most people are not 100% “straight” or 100% “gay”. There is a wide range and scale of variances.
As painful as it may be to come to terms with your sexuality, you must remind yourself that you’re not alone. Millions of people are in pain and denial because they are not honest about their sexuality. Don’t let yourself be one of those people who deny who they really are. They are the ones to be pitied. Not you.

avatar TheOtherMe May 17, 2011, 3:46 pm

i love your comment

avatar Christy May 17, 2011, 10:32 pm

As hunky-dory as this is (and I honestly do love how supportive it is) sometimes it’s better to be in the closet. If you’re stuck in a dangerous place (like, say, the US military) staying in the closet is the only way to avoid very negative consequences. If the situation is that bad, you’re 24, you can change it, but sometimes the closet can be the answer.

avatar melikeycheesecake May 17, 2011, 3:23 pm

Follow Wendy’s advice.. 100% follow her advice.

avatar applescruff May 17, 2011, 3:28 pm

LW, I am a university counseling center psychologist in Utah, and every person in the office except one has an “Ally” sticker on their door. Any office you find on campus that has a sticker like that is a place that’s safe for you to go – and if we have Allies in Utah, I’m sure you can find them in Texas. Try your counseling center. Chances are, at least a few of the therapists there are Allies and can talk things through with you. All the best.

avatar SpaceySteph May 17, 2011, 8:13 pm

LW I know its not the same but I kinda understand how you feel about Texas. I moved to Texas from South Florida, a place swimming with Jews, and felt SO ALONE for a long time here… like the only Jew in the whole state.

But there are Jews in Texas, and there are clearly bisexuals (you, for one) and homosexuals in Texas, they’re just a little harder to find than in more liberal places. Agree with the comment above, if they have those organizations in Utah they must have them everywhere.
No matter what about you is different from those around you, you aren’t alone… you just have to look a little harder to find the place you feel welcome.

avatar applescruff May 18, 2011, 4:29 pm

Spacey, I feel like the only Jew in Utah! But there are Jews in Texas, Jews in Utah, and bisexuals in both places. In some ways, the communities that are SO much in the minority have to be stronger than in places where it’s “easier” to be different. They might just be harder to find.

avatar Miranda May 17, 2011, 3:33 pm

I am also bisexual, and I agree with Wendy completely. I wanted to add that at the beginning I would definitely focus on the bisexual-specific support groups that Wendy linked to, given that you aren’t completely comfortable with your bisexuality. General LGBT groups are great, but unfortunately there can be quite a bit of prejudice/non-belief against bisexual people, even among homosexuals. I know from personal experience that having your bisexuality marginalized by a LGBT group can be off-putting and discourage you from embracing your bisexuality. (Not to say that they aren’t awesome, supportive lesbians and gays out there! I’m friends with plenty!) I don’t know where in Texas you are, but I lived in Dallas and really loved DFW BiNet.

avatar TheGirl May 17, 2011, 4:19 pm

I know exactly how you feel. There’s a lot of lesbian women in my area who seem to take it as a matter of pride that they’ve never been with a man and won’t even consider dating a girl that has been with a man.

LW – it DOES get better. As far as finding like-minded people, the internet is the way to go. You don’t need to come out fully if you aren’t ready yet, but finding a support group is essential. BiNet is an excellent option and has chapters everywhere – including Texas.

avatar absurdfiction May 17, 2011, 10:33 pm

Glad I’m not the only one around here who thought to post about this! I think a lot of the people who have a problem with bisexuality think that it’s not “real” — I must be wishy-washy/confused/curious/experimenting/indiscriminately promiscuous. I get why such qualities would be a turn-off (if they were actually true), but I don’t get why some people can’t wrap their head around the fact that I am none of the above, but actually am genuinely attracted to people of both genders. I can’t help who I’m attracted to! Getting flak from lesbians is the absolute worst. You’d think they’d be a little more understanding about the whole not-being-hetero thing.

avatar Christy May 18, 2011, 8:51 am

I think the reason that we (of the L/Gs) can be negative about it was that coming out, for us, meant that we were definitely giving up certain things in the future: a conservative Church wedding, “normal” conception of children, most political offices. It’s tough out there for non-heteros. And every out gay man/lesbian has decided that his/her self-acceptance is more inportant than acceptance from society at large. And while bi people encounter the same problems when they’re in a gay relationship, they always have the option of “retreating” into a straight relationship, with all its societial perks. Because, as the LW shows, you can be bisexual and in a straight relationship, and no one has to know you’re bi.

Now, I’m painting a pretty bleak picture for the non-heteros. It’s not entirely accurate. Gay people hold political office, get married in liberal churches, and adopt babies. But it’s substantially more difficult to get elected and to adopt. The hard thing for gay men/lesbians, I think, is knowing that bi people can just choose to be with an opposite-sex partner and avoid all these problems.

Also, I know that some lesbians go through a bi stage on their way to what I affectionately refer to as “full gay.” I sure did. Maybe lesbians remember their sense of life insecurity at that life stage and want to date someone who has a better sense of self, since they remember how, when they were figuring things out, they identified as bi. And since the lesbians eventually did figure it out and identify as bi, they’re afraid that their bi girlfriends will figure it out and identify as straight. (This is entirely speculation, though.)

avatar Christy May 18, 2011, 9:05 am

And no offense to Kristina below (great name, btw) but girls who identify straight but will hook up with girls are emblematic of the reason that lesbians can hate on bi girls. Because, I’ll be serious–I’m glad you like gay sex, but there’s a lot of shit that lesbians (and girls who actually identify as bi!) put up with for said gay sex, and I’m glad we’re only worth a hook-up to you. Way to take all the good without any of the bad.

That sounds much harsher than I intend. It’s really nothing personal. I think it’s just the label that upsets me. Because hooking up with girls is great, but it pretty much means that you’re not actually straight. You round up to straight, but you’re not straight. Gay girls do this too–just a little bi? Lesbian. But then I suppose that’s emblematic of bi-phobia, too.

avatar Jennifer May 18, 2011, 10:27 am

I’m sorry that you have had to go through sh*t but I don’t think that means you should dump more on other people. Who are you to judge the difficulties that people go through by picking up on one aspect of them?

Besides that you also seem to not acknowledge that bisexuality exists again. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for people to understand that some people (myself included) can be attracted to both genders.

I’m sorry if this came off as inflammatory and not well composed but it just frustrates me the way people are so quick to judge others and then find ways to justify it.

avatar Christy May 18, 2011, 11:33 am

Jennifer, I understand composing a message and then thinking it sounds really angry–I did that above. I’m actually enjoying the discourse on this–my friends and I have discussed it to death already.

And I’m sorry if it didn’t come off that way, but I do believe that bisexuality exists. I also know that some gay girls have a hard time believing in bisexuality. I think it might involve a level of jealousy (speculation) because being with a guy is so much easier than being with a girl, and gay girls don’t have that choice.

And I’m totally not judging anyone’s difficulties, just their actions. I know bi girls go through shit too, but I think it’s shitty to act bi but not identify as bi for whatever reason, be it societal pressure or any other reason.

I guess my point is that I’m trying not to be so quick to judge others, I’m just trying to explain why other people would judge others.

And I really don’t mean to harp on Kristina–rock on, live your life. I’m just pointing to the phenomenon you describe as something that is frustrating to me as a member of the LGBT community, that’s all.

Kristina Kristina May 18, 2011, 1:04 pm

And just to clarify, I don’t act bi. And I don’t care about whatever society thinks for that matter. I am what I am, and that’s all that matters, without any silly labels. None of my friends or boyfriends have ever really cared or judged me for it, which I suppose I’m lucky for.

avatar absurdfiction May 18, 2011, 5:28 pm

Hey, I’m glad you replied, Christy. I think it’s interesting to hear from somebody who understands WHY gay bi-bashing exists, whether you fully agree with it or not. I guess I still find it a little baffling, and I appreciate your honesty! The only issue I take with what you’ve said is the matter of how bi people can “choose” to act straight and not deal with prejudice, etc. I get what you’re saying, but I don’t think that’s entirely fair. Sure, girls like me can “choose” to just date guys if we are so inclined, but we DON’T get to “choose” to whom we are attracted. It’s not like we can flip some switch on and off at our willing. I wouldn’t date a guy I wasn’t attracted to instead of a girl I was just for the sake of appearances. I would go for the person I was actually in to. That’s like saying a closeted lesbian could choose to date men — sure she could if she felt like she had to, but it wouldn’t be authentic. However I publicly label myself, I am still bisexual, and I am still very passionate about LGBT rights, and I resent not being taking seriously because I’m only “half gay.”

avatar Christy May 18, 2011, 9:28 pm

No, I totally agree with what you’re saying–my point was just that theoretically, bi girls, if attracted to a guy and a girl, can choose to date the guy over the girl. I know that dating a guy you’re not attracted to is something like me trying to date a guy to stay in the closet. I guess it’s a matter of being able to wait for a guy you’re attracted to to come along rather than knowing that’s never gonna happen. (I don’t actually believe this, but sometimes at my most paranoid/angry about LGBT issues the devil on my shoulder tries to convince me of these things.) And I’m glad you’re passionate about LGBT issues–I am too!

Kristina Kristina May 18, 2011, 1:01 pm

I know I’m not straight, but that’s what I tend to call myself since I have no desire to be in a relationship with a girl, or to go out on dates and such. But I really could care less about sexuality labels anyways.

But with females, we tend to have more erotic plasticity than males, which is why there are more females who identify as bi or some other mixed area on the spectrum. The erotic plasticity explains why there are also ‘straight’ females who are interested in sexual behavior with other females, but nothing else. It also explains why when it comes to porn, straight women tend to be turned on by a wider variety of things (such as girl on girl), compared to straight men.

And this why I hate sexuality labels because there really are many more ‘labels’ or areas on the spectrum which go unidentified.

avatar Christy May 17, 2011, 3:52 pm

LW, it can be hard to embrace your sexuality even if you’re in a supportive environment, in a safe area, and you’re on the L/G side of LGBT. It took me 22 years to come out as a lesbian, and I’m still not out to everyone in my life. It sucks that you’re in such a bad environment and that that makes it more difficult for you. I’m leaving my computer for a while, but I’ll be back later tonight–I have lots of advice! If you want to email me directly (or if anyone wants to just talk about LGBT issues) my DW email is christyfromdw@gmail.com. But to sum up–bi exists, LGBTQQIAA people can be prejudiced too, and it does get better.

avatar BoomChakaLaka May 17, 2011, 3:56 pm

I don’t understand why you’re feeling alone? Is it romantically alone or friendship alone? Are looking for another bisexual friend or just someone that is understanding? I don’t think either one of those are too hard to come by, especially on a college campus.

I think you first need to become comfortable with your recent acceptance of your bisexuality. Wendy gave some excellent measures for you to take for that. But afterwards, I think you should go back out there and be social. Your sexuality shouldn’t have anything to do with who your friends are, at least who your true friends are. With regards to dating, just like with any sensitive topic, bring it up to your potential interest when YOU’RE ready to.

avatar SpaceySteph May 17, 2011, 9:51 pm

Its easy to feel alone when you feel like the only one of your kind in foreign territory. Its not just about finding a person to date, its just about having someone- anyone- understand.

avatar honeybeenicki May 17, 2011, 4:09 pm

The key here is accepting who you are. Believe me, like many other people have said: you are not alone. I know you may feel alone, but there are so many other people struggling with the same thing. I struggled with it myself and eventually had found my way. As Miranda said above, if you are looking for some kind of support group, etc to help you with this struggle, definitely focus on trying to find a bisexual specific group. When I was a freshman in college, I was part of the GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) and a few of the homosexual people believed that either you are or you aren’t and that there is no “in between”. Its hard to cope with, especially when the people you turn to for support tell you that you can’t be bisexual or “in between”.

If you are interested in being with a woman, that may be a place to start after you have begun to feel comfortable with yourself. Not necessarily just hooking up, but exploring the possibility of being in a relationship with another woman. Experimentation is normal in all aspects of human sexuality and that’s how we decide what we want (in more ways than which gender). But before you rush into anything, please seek some kind of counseling. Wendy has given you great starting points and applescruff was dead on about trying to find someone with an Ally sticker on their door. I’m sure if you look around, you’ll find someone to help.

avatar LTC039 May 17, 2011, 4:31 pm

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”-Dr. Seuss

mandalee amandalee May 17, 2011, 4:49 pm

I love this quote so much!

avatar Katie May 17, 2011, 5:02 pm

I am bisexual and I agree it is hard. No one I know is aware of it bevause I know I wouldnt be accepted if I told anyone :( My boyfriend is ver conservative and so is my family. It’s just a secret I carry…

avatar absurdfiction May 17, 2011, 10:47 pm

I don’t get the thumbs-downs! I think your story is very sad. You shouldn’t have to hide who you are from the people you are closest to. I know coming out isn’t easy, and you shouldn’t do it if you aren’t ready or you wouldn’t be safe… but I think it’s incredibly important for you to be honest with your boyfriend about this. Especially if you are sexually active or envision any sort of future with him. I can’t imagine sharing true intimacy with a partner who only understood half of my identity. Please consider getting some counseling of your own. I hope you can find a way to get past your feelings of shame and live your life on your own terms. Best of luck to you!

avatar Christy May 17, 2011, 11:13 pm

It could be a boo! that stinks thumbs-down.

avatar TheGirl May 18, 2011, 11:09 am

It could also be a don’t hide who you are from your boyfriend thumbs down (and no, I’m not responsible for the purple thumbs). Katie, your story makes me so sad! You shouldn’t have to hide who you are from a person that supposedly loves you! If he can’t accept who you are at the most basic level, maybe he doesn’t really deserve you. Please think about that – you deserve to be a whole, complete, happy person.

avatar Christy May 18, 2011, 11:43 am

If you think that your being bi would break up you and your boyfriend, then you’ll probably have to decide what’s more important to you–being open about who you are, or your relationship with him. And I’m not trying to say one’s more important than the other. Relationships cause a lot of joy. Being open creates a sense of relief. And you never know–he and your family could end up being incredibly supportive even if they are conservative. There is a changing national tide on LGBT issues. Good luck dealing with your family and boyfriend as you either decide what you’re doing about coming out or you decide to keep it a secret :) Like I said to the LW, email me at christyfromdw@gmail.com if you ever need to talk about it.

avatar Quakergirl May 17, 2011, 5:33 pm

Sexuality isn’t an either/or/both sort of thing. You don’t have to pick a label and stick to it. As Wendy said, it’s fluid, whether we’re talking about what gender of people you’re attracted to, what sex of people you’re attracted to, what body type you like, etc. It’s entirely possible for you to be attracted to many different types of people from different genders/sexes. That’s okay. That’s what you like.

I agree with everyone’s advice above urging you to reach out to counseling and support resources, such as a counselor or bisexual support group. Take the time to process your realization on your own before you start trying to explain it to people who likely won’t be supportive (not that it’s anyone’s business to ask you to explain your sexuality once you tell them, but if you feel that it will make the situation better to do so, then having more time to think it through by yourself will help you a lot). And no matter what your family or anyone else says, you’re not alone, and you’re not weird or gross. It may seem rough now, but it does get better.

bittergaymark bittergaymark May 17, 2011, 6:51 pm

Wendy knocked this out of the park. One final bit of advice? Get the hell out of Texas! Seriously! Finish school and then get the heck out. Staying where people are hostile towards you simply isn’t worth it.

avatar Ginger Laine May 18, 2011, 9:03 am

Texas is HUGE. There are lots of open-minded, accepting people in Texas. It’s not about getting out of Texas, so much as it’s about finding a safe place in Texas. The major cities in Texas are a lot more liberal than your podunk, backwoods town.

There are a lot of college campuses in Texas that are located in small towns like Lubbock, Nacogdoches, San Marcos. And then there are universities in Houston, Austin, and Dallas where people from all walks of life and all sexualities feel open, accepted, and like a part of the ENTIRE community, not just the LGBTQ community.

I live in Texas. And the attitude that it’s backwards and a place to “get the hell out of” is not particularly helpful to the millions of people living here happily who would be more than happy to help the LW if they could. Bigots and ignorance live everywhere.

avatar spaceboy761 May 18, 2011, 1:12 pm

There’s a huge difference between Austin and Denton County in Texas. That’s like somebody (rightfully) complaining about the hyperconservative gay-unfriendly vibe in upstate NY, leaving NY, and not realizing that some areas of NY (like oh, let’s say Christopher Street in NYC) have more rainbow flags hanging out windows than American flags.

avatar ReadingIsFundamental May 20, 2011, 4:45 pm

It’s definitely true that it isn’t worth staying somewhere where the locals are hostile towards you. It’s also worth remembering that there are all kinds of topics on which people can choose to be hostile. Both San Francisco and New York, for example, while gay-friendly, are filled with people who can be extremely closed-minded and bigoted as far as politics is concerned. At the same time Houston has quite a lively, open, and friendly gay community.

Things are never entirely what they seem — you’ll need to set your own priorities and decide what’s right for you.

avatar convexed May 17, 2011, 8:29 pm

I participated in Allies Network training at my school, and I was very encouraged by the number of faculty and staff proud to have an Allies sticker on their office door.
While there is a prominent myth that bisexual people are either gay or straight and just haven’t made up their minds yet, the truth is that sexuality is fluid not only among the population, but even in the course of one lifetime. So, some people are bisexual for awhile, and then their sexual orientation shifts. Some people are bisexual for life. Both are normal. Being bisexual is absolutely a real and legitimate identity in and of itself, regardless of what others may choose to believe. Who you are now (something you’ve been thinking about for a while) is who you are, truly and fully, and you deserve to have happiness, acceptance, and understanding, in your life now.
The myth that bisexual people are ‘in-between’ simply is kept on by those who lack understanding, often by choice—even within the LGBT community! You are who you are, and you owe no explanation to anyone, queer or straight.
Please look for resources of support and good company in your area. I wish the very best for you.

Kristina Kristina May 17, 2011, 9:52 pm

While I don’t consider myself bisexual, and I consider myself straight, when it comes to sexual behavior, I can be with both guys and girls. And I have been with girls sexually and physically in the past. But in terms of relationships and dating, I have no interest in dating another girl, and I have only dated guys. And while most people (including my parents) understand that there is a sexuality spectrum, I don’t know if my parents would accept that this is how I feel about my sexuality. For years, I struggled with even believing that bisexuality truly exists, and I used to be against gay marriage myself. Not that my parents and many people need to know that I can be attracted to some girls as well and have desires to be physical with them sometimes, I still wish that if I told them, they would truly understand that.

avatar Kare May 18, 2011, 1:09 am

I went to college in the second most conservative city in the United States (according to a study anyways) and there was a very active LBGT community. Although the city itself was conservative, the college had a wide variety of people and everyone I knew didn’t discriminate against anyone based on sexuality. So be hopeful, not all of Texas is like that.

avatar Lexie May 18, 2011, 3:58 pm

I just want to thank you, LW, for writing in about this. I feel the same way and I wanted to let you know you aren’t alone. I am with you and so are many girls. I didn’t even know bisexuality was a real thing until I went away to college. I started having feelings for girls around middle school and it was very frightening and confusing. I thought I might have been gay but didn’t understand how I could be when I also felt very attracted to boys as well. I thought it was just a phase too, especially since the only girls I encountered in my hometown that claimed to be bisexual seemed to be saying it for attention or to get back at their conservative parents. It wasn’t until I left my small town and went to college that I met a girl who was really bisexual and completely comfortable with her sexuality. She was such an inspiration to me and I’m so grateful. I sincerely hope you will be lucky enough to find someone who can show you that you can be ok with your sexuality no matter what anyone else thinks. I wish you all the best.

avatar Sypher May 19, 2011, 11:19 am

I too am Bi, though I prefer queer. Some think that you are in denial or are confused, but the only thing that made me less confused was the realization that I was bisexual–it was the only thing that made sense and then I was able to stop ripping out my hair.
I feel more zen about it now–but I did some freaking in college. You are not alone–I’ve felt the way you feel now. I didn’t see ANY gay people growing up in my stifling suburb–but looking back I know they were there and even knew a few–I just didn’t know it at the time. I don’t know if you are familiar with the Kinsey scale, but it essentially says that there are a few 100%straight and 100% gay people at opposite end of the spectrum and that most of the population is somewhere in the middle–we’re just a bit more centered than other people! Personally, I lean a little more towards women (I tend to find them more attractive than some men), but I am marrying a man. When we started dating almost 3 yrs ago I was concerned that I would miss being with women or not be as attracted to my boyfriend, but it didn’t happen. We actually have great sexual chemistry–that I’ve never had with anyone else. Am I still attracted to women? YES, but I love him and it’s not hard or challenging to remain faithful.

Also remember that even if you were a “real lesbian” there are plenty of people who will stand in line to tell you that you’re doing it wrong or that you’re not queer enough or at least not as good a gay as they are and these people should be ignored. People love to bitch and pass judgment –community be damned. But the good people will support your bisexuality and not mock or smear but respect you and these are the only friends truly worth keeping anyway–who wants to be friends with people that belittle and disrespect you?

Meet some people online and view the It Gets Better Campaign – because it does. The internet is your friend in this case and while it seems as though you are alone, I promise that you are not. At a 10% average of the population, you can bet that someone is gay–even if you have to drive a town or 2 over–we really are everywhere (I have an ex in Houston, so). Befriend as many gays as you care too–don’t restrict yourself to just bi’s or lesbians, get to know your community and if you don’t have one in your area, start planning how to get access to one even if it entails a move.

Online dating is your other friend in making romantic connections– just remember that the same online dating pitfalls apply, so be cautious.

I am marrying a male next Sat. We have dated for 2 yrs and before him I only dated women. He’s has all the qualities I look for in a person–that’s the most important thing. I also think that love is both too precious and rare to quibble about where it comes from and I feel lucky that I have a perspective that few have.

avatar kittyk May 24, 2011, 1:43 pm

What!? I go on vacation and miss the bisexual thread! Go figure…

As a woman in her late twenties who has struggled with coming to terms with her bisexuality, I just want to say I find it encouraging to hear from so many woman on just this one site who I can relate to.

Most people in my life know me as ‘straight’. I had short-live but beautiful fling with an amazing woman years ago, and some hookups and make outs thrown in there for fun, but never really ‘came out’, because why bother? Some people knew, others didn’t. Its my own sex life, I never bothered to say to anyone, “oh, by the way, I like to have sex with men” so why bother to say it about women? I’ve never seriously dated a woman, but then I haven’t had many serious relationships with men either.

I’ve been with an amazing man for over 3 years now. He knows I am attracted to women, he’s cool with it, I know I’ve said I’m “technically bisexual” to him before, but it’s not like I am out to everyone in our lives. I’m still attracted to women, but we’re completely monogamous.

I’m currently struggling with whether or not I should “come out” to family and friends. I have no intention of leaving the relationship I am in. That said, I really don’t know *if* we don’t work out, *if* I would date a woman. But I don’t like the idea of hiding a part of who I am. I hate that I feel the need to label myself, but I feel the need to label myself! And I feel a sense of guilt because I’m able to pass as ‘straight’ when I know in my heart I am not.

As you can see I could ramble on for awhile about this so I’ll stop, since I need to get back to work. Just felt the need to comment. Oh, the ‘anonymity’ of the internet :)

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