When we are together, he is always texting someone, and today I saw the name Heather. I know he has a lot of family members that he is really close to, and I don’t know all their names, so perhaps it’s one of them. I want so badly to ask him about it, but I also don’t want to be “that” girl who is so insecure that she has to do things like that. When we first got together, I told him I was scared because of my past, and he assured me that he’s been hurt also and would/could never hurt anyone in that way…but people change. He hasn’t shown any signs of cheating or not wanting to be with me anymore; I’m just scared.
So how can I get over this feeling? I know I should talk to him about it, but I have no idea how to even start a conversation like that, or what to say without coming across as crazy. Also, I want to tell him how much I care about him, and how much he means to me, but I am so afraid that I will say/do too much too soon and it might push him away. — Afraid of Being Cheated On
You know why you’re feeling a little crazy? Because this situation you’re in IS a little crazy. I mean, it’s been three months and you’re already thinking about how to give all of yourself to him? Honey, you should never give all of yourself to anyone, let alone some guy you’ve know for a handful of months. Really, if you don’t know all the names of his closest family members yet, then it’s especially inappropriate to be thinking about giving all of yourself to him. How about, oh I don’t know, focusing on getting to know him a little better before you totally dive in?
I get letters all the time from women like you who are afraid of being “that girl.” They are afraid of seeming like the crazy girlfriend. I’ve been there, too. I know what it feels like. And I understand how someone gets to that place where you’re constantly afraid of being hurt. That constant fear is often a warning sign. It’s your gut telling you something isn’t quite right. And a lot of times I think what isn’t quite right is the speed — the desperate speed — at which you want to claim someone as your own before you actually figure out whether you’re even a great match. You, specifically, sound like you’re in such a hurry to feel safe in a committed relationship that you are skipping over the part where you get to know this guy and decide if he’s even someone you should actually have a committed relationship with.
Frankly, if it were I and I had been dating a guy for just three months and whenever we were together he was “always texting someone,” I’d be like, “See ya.” At the very least, I’d ask him to put the phone down and pay some attention to me.
Why? Why are you so, so in love with someone who can’t even be bothered to put his damn phone down when he’s with you? That’s the real question here. Why are you so desperate to share your feelings with someone you don’t even seem to know very well (not well enough to know his close family member names, anyway)? Why are you so worked up over someone whose behavior toward you only makes you feel insecure and crazy? THAT’S the crazy party.
You aren’t crazy for worrying about being hurt; you’re crazy for thinking that this guy and your relationship is worth being so invested in at this point. You’re crazy for setting the bar so low. You’re crazy for thinking that this is love. Love isn’t being constantly afraid that your boyfriend of three months — who’s always texting someone when you’re together — is going to cheat on you. That isn’t love. Love is many things, but crazy desperation isn’t one.
Put the brakes on this relationship. S-L-O-W down. Find validation in your friendships and your family and your work and the things you do for other people. Instead of giving all of yourself over to this guy, give about 10% or 15% for now and let him earn more. You want to know how to stop feeling so crazy and clingy? Don’t ever give more of yourself to a potential mate than he or she has shown s/he deserves. It’s really that simple.Period.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at email@example.com.