Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I’m Consumed With Thoughts About Moving Back to Colorado”

troubled woman

My husband and I moved from Colorado to my hometown in Ohio, which I will openly admit pretty much sucks. We decided to move here to be close to my mom because we were having our first child. I had a rough pregnancy, and after three miscarriages I wanted to be near family and have their help, cutting back on worries financially. My husband and I met in Colorado and both LOVED it there. I was very sad to move, but living above 10,000 ft elevation was hard on my body during pregnancy, and it was also very expensive to live there. After living in the mountains for 12 years, I packed up and came home.

I miss my job as a massage therapist in a beautiful spa, I miss my friends, I miss camping and living in the mountains. I feel like part of my freedom has been taken away. My husband misses his family and friends, and he also misses mountain life. I started off thinking this move would be temporary for a couple years to help us get back on our feet. My husband completely hates it here: the people, the weather, his jobs…everything.

My mom has been very helpful and is just over the moon about our little baby girl who is now almost four months old. It’s great to have my mom around for this very special time in our lives. My step-dad is also having a blast with the baby. Unfortunately, though, he is starting to lose his vision as well as his hearing. He’s ok for now, but I worry about his health in the future and feel like my mom is going to have her hands full taking care of him. But how am I supposed to leave and move back to Colorado someday when I feel like I’d be ripping myself and my daughter away from my mom after she’s been so helpful? Do I stay in Ohio and make my husband miserable? I’m so consumed by this decision that it’s interfering with being able to just enjoy the time I have with my mom and step-dad now. Any words of advice? — Consumed By Thoughts of Moving

First, congratulations on the new baby. I know from experience that this is both a thrilling and exhausting time. I’m sure having your mother’s support and love means the world, but I also imagine that having a husband who is miserable takes a toll. I also wonder if you might be suffering from PPD. To feel so consumed with worry and anxiety to the point that it’s interfering with your ability to enjoy your life is… well, it’s not healthy. And it could be a sign of something wrong (but treatable). Talk to your doctor about what you’re feeling just to rule out anything medically-related.

Next, start having some heart-to-heart talks with your husband about your future. You say that you believed this move back to Ohio was temporary — two years or so. Was your husband on-board with that? What are your feelings about that timetable now? Are you wanting to stay longer out of guilt? Are you wanting to move sooner because you’re both so unhappy? Are you concerned about how you would manage without your mother’s help? Talk these things out with your husband. And remember that this is YOUR life. It’s not your mother’s life. You don’t owe her your happiness because she’s helped you with your baby for four months. You don’t even owe her your happiness because she raised you. Would you want your daughter to live somewhere as an adult where she was miserable just because she felt indebted to you for raising her or for helping her out when she needed support? Of course not! You would, I hope, want her to live as fulfilling a life as possible, following her heart and dreams. You’d want her to live where she felt happiest, even if that meant being away from you. That’s what loving parents do: they want what’s best for their children even at the expense of what would make them happiest.

Colorado isn’t on another planet. It isn’t even in a different country. It’s a flight or two away from your hometown. You can visit. Your mother and step-dad could come see you in the mountains. You and your husband would make it work. You’d find or reconnect with a support network in Colorado — his family, your friends. Maybe you’d work outside the home and maybe you wouldn’t. Maybe you’d get childcare help. Your baby will grow up. Things will get easier. And you would live in a place you love, with people you care about, doing things that make you happy.

Life is short. Follow your heart. Your mother will be fine and she’ll understand.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

89 comments… add one
  • Lyra

    Lyra April 10, 2014, 9:48 am

    I love Wendy’s questions in her reply. It’s so true you really can’t live your life for someone else. Do what makes YOU happy.

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  • GatorGirl

    GatorGirl April 10, 2014, 10:03 am

    WWS, definitely about the PPD and your mom. Wendy is spot on.
    I’ll also add, try to make Ohio as bearable as possible while you are living there. Depending on where exactly you live, there is access to all kinds of out door activities with in a short drive- Lake Erie, the Appalachian Mountains, caves down in WV and VA, on the map there are big parks to the south and west of the state. The weather is about to turn, take some family day trips to the great out doors! Join a new mom (and dads) meet up group, have his family come visit, see a baseball game. Your husband has never experienced this part of the country, so show him your childhood places. I’m of the mindset that you should embrace what you have now and make the most of it, even if it’s only temporary.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary April 10, 2014, 10:27 am

      WGGS. I think you have to make the best of it and really give it a chance (and your husband does too!). I’m imagining (and I could be wrong) that the husband moved to Ohio with a sourpuss attitude and hasn’t made a really hard effort to assimilate and enjoy the place. I hear that you should wait up to 3 years to decide if you like a location or not, and I think it can take a year to at least get over the culture shock of a new location. So make a REAL effort to make some friends, find local things to do, and enjoy the area. and then decide if you want to move back or not.

      Also, if you really miss the outdoor lifestyle the most (hiking/camping) and the freedom, couldn’t you move to pennsylvania? Even Pittsburgh which is still affordable but offers city activities. Or West Virginia? That way you are still within driving distance of your mom but you are getting more of that mountain lifestyle. You could probably even find a nice spa to work at in Pittsburgh. I dunno, just a suggestion!

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl April 10, 2014, 10:36 am

        Yeah, I mean not to make it about me, but I did not ever want to live in north central FL. Yet here I am! I know it’s temporary, and what’s best for us at this moment, so we’re just making the most of it. Going on day trips (holla Flyers game in Tampa tonight!!), exploring parks etc here, trying new foods/drinks. There are still days where I f-ing hate it here, but we work on finding the good parts. And it helps a lot.

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        bethany April 10, 2014, 10:46 am

        Gonna wear a Flyers jersey? I’ll look for you on TV!

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl April 10, 2014, 10:53 am

        I have a t-shirt! We’re up on the third level so I doubt we’ll make tv, but I’m just excited to be there!

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary April 10, 2014, 11:19 am

        Yeh I don’t love DC but our jobs are here. We deal with it by driving out into the mountains to hike or going to little towns on the bay and just getting out of the city. And we visit one of our families probably every 6 weeks. I’ve also found a lot of wooded areas within DC so that helps too. Basically, I think you can be happy anywhere and it’s what you make of it. But I know not everyone’s like that.

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest April 10, 2014, 10:04 am

    Just another “maybe”: Maybe mom and stepdad would relocated to Colorado with you, even eventually if/when they need your help. I know a bunch of now grandparents whose kids moved to another state and a few years into being grandparents, moved to that state too to join their family.

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    • avatar

      Leah April 10, 2014, 10:54 am

      I was going to suggest this. It sounds like your husband’s family is out in Colorado, so if your Mom and Stepdad came out you’d all be in one place. Something to consider if you and your husband do decide to move back to the mountains.

      Just keep in mind that they might not want to come.

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    • avatar

      MsMisery April 10, 2014, 1:03 pm

      I was going to suggest this as well. I don’t know how old mom & step-dad are and whether they are retired yet or not, and even if CO is expensive, if they cohabitate and they can save on child care and some living expenses.

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray April 10, 2014, 10:07 am

    Yeah, what LBH said – maybe your mom and step-dad would be willing to relocate to Colorado? I know Colorado can be expensive, but it can be reasonable too in towns further away from the Denver and Boulder areas (I think). I don’t know what kind of work you do but maybe you could move back to the mountains but find work in less expensive areas? Actually, you know, I have no idea what I’m talking about; I have never lived in Colorado, ha. I’m just thinking you WILL move back soon and if you can find a place that’s cheaper maybe you won’t worry so much about it? Other than that, WWS for sure.

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    • avatar

      rachel April 10, 2014, 10:15 am

      If they lived IN the mountains, and she worked at a fancy spa, I’m guessing they lived in a resort town, which are pretty expensive. If they lived along the front range (Denver/Boulder/Fort Collins) they could still access everything but live in a more affordable place.

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      • avatar

        rachel April 10, 2014, 10:16 am

        Though who knows if they would want to live somewhere else in Colorado. They might prefer to live where their network of friends already are.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray April 10, 2014, 10:25 am

        Good point. If it’s the network of friends she misses, she might only want to be in that same town.

        LW, it also just simply takes some time to develop a network of friends. Maybe if you give Colorado the full 2 years or whatever you had initially planned, you might find yourself with a great network of friends by the end. And if you seek out the outdoorsy things that GG mentioned above, maybe it’ll be just like Colorado for ya? But with nasty winters, and, like, terribly humid summers, and … You know, let’s all move to Colorado, I’ll come with you.

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  • avatar

    Morgan April 10, 2014, 10:10 am

    Go somewhere you’re happy. I know there are some people who can make the best of living pretty much anywhere. I am not one of them. And if I’m not happy where I’m living, I’m someone who isn’t happy, period. So for me, it’s easy to say go to Colorado.

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  • avatar

    Sara April 10, 2014, 10:22 am

    LW, I agree with Wendy: (i) you have to live your life for yourself and (ii) you need to have a heart-to-heart with your husband about expectations/plans. As an aside, you’ve had two life experiences that can make a person feel isolated: you moved to a “new” town and had a baby. Moving is isolating because you have to re-establish/build a friend support group. Having a baby is isolating because it can be harder to maintain (or create new) friendships when you have less time due to being a caregiver to a baby. It’s possible that once you are more established in your peer group and have friends outside of your family, your husband and you won’t dislike Ohio as much. I know friends always make me like a place much more. It’s OK, though, to move back to Colorado if that’s a better fit for your family.

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  • avatar

    peachy April 10, 2014, 10:31 am

    You’ve both achieved valuable positives moving to a new place: healthier pregnancy, being able to get jobs, having a bouncing baby, sharing time with loving family…is the Buckeye state so devoid of beauty, so impoverished of anything inspirational that utter misery is really the only landscape you two are able to see? Maybe your husband should be assessed for depression as well. It seems a shame that this special time is being spent in regrets instead of joy.
    Please remember that if you were magically transported back to your Colorado life this very instant, that life would not be the same halcyon existence of your imagining – you’d be seeing less of your friends, work might well be different, there would still be stress as you all adjusted to the new family unit, etc. Some things would be lost while others were gained, but it wouldn’t be just the same as it was. Since it seems only Colorado will do for you in the end, how about brainstorming with your mom and see if there’s a way she and your stepdad could move to Colorado too – where there is a will, there’s a way, and just by having this conversation you’d be introducing the topic of your upcoming move back to Colorado in a positive way.. wish you luck.

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  • lemongrass

    lemongrass April 10, 2014, 10:55 am

    You have to do what is best for your child and what is best for a kid is to have happy parents. Happy parents are calmer, handle the stresses of parenthood better and are able to let children be kids without worrying themselves. It is so, so important as a parent to truly do things that make you happy. It really makes an impact in your child’s life. I chose to live farther away from my family (though not as far as you) because it made me happier and I don’t regret it at all.

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  • avatar

    WAPS April 10, 2014, 10:58 am

    I definitely agree about now owing your parents your happiness just because they raised your or helped your financially or helped you through a tough time (like the birth of your first child!). But…it’s also up to you, on your own, to give help back out of love. To realize that yeah, your mom was AWESOME when your baby was born and super helpful to you, and that maybe she will need help in the near-ish future taking care of a stepfather who is losing his vision and hearing. You’re an adult, the help can go both ways. The only reason that I’m saying this is because you seemed to only ask for advice in the context of you and your family and your baby and your happiness. Too often people with amazing parents like yours (or at least, that’s what it sounds like) forget to realize that their parents are not going to live forever and are reaching an age where they might need your help in return.

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  • katie

    katie April 10, 2014, 10:59 am

    i mean, i get it- people dont leave colorado, and people who visit end up moving there. colorado is awesome. i dont think anyone would deny that after living there and/or visiting, especially if they are “outdoor” people and lived in the mountains. i get it, ive lived in colorado, went to high school in colorado, my mother will never leave probably, my sister has recently said she will never leave. BUT. your world isnt dictated by where you live. should you move back? maybe, but like someone else said your childless life in colorado would not be waiting for you. i wonder if the stresses of having a baby are exasperating your problems with ohio- because having a baby sucks. moving away from a mountain life in colorado with no kids to freaking ohio with a newborn sucks. period. like no way you look at it that would suck. so keep that in mind… your childfree life in the mountains is gone forever, because of your baby. now that doesnt mean that the new life you have now is going to suck. so thats what i think your job should be now is to create a new life that doesnt suck. whether that life ends up in ohio or colorado or china, create a life that doesnt suck. its possible.
    .
    also i will say that as much as the mountains are awesome, my uncle has a lakehouse in wisconsin and that is also awesome. there is awesome everywhere i think.

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    • lemongrass

      lemongrass April 10, 2014, 11:07 am

      Um, having a baby doesn’t suck. It’s hard, yes, but that doesn’t mean that it sucks. It’s pretty offensive that you would say that. Maybe for you, having a newborn would suck but that doesn’t mean that it does for the LW or other parents.

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      • katie

        katie April 10, 2014, 11:29 am

        oh yes, it does suck, its been written about a lot by mothers. by “sucks” i mean hard. i mean all the craziness that comes with having a newborn and all the changes that happen to your life, your relationship, and your body. im picking “sucks” to encompass that whole ordeal- and actual mothers have used it too, so i dont think its offensive at all.

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      • lemongrass

        lemongrass April 10, 2014, 11:42 am

        Some parts suck but not all of it and the way you wrote it sounded like you were saying that all of it sucks. “because having a baby sucks” I am saying that having a baby doesn’t suck. It’s like saying that cupcakes suck because you get fat if you eat them. So other mothers have said that it sucks doesn’t make that experience the same for all, or other, mothers. It just means they are louder. Just because a morbidly obese person said that a walk in the beautiful park sucks doesn’t mean that you or I would think that.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2014, 11:48 am

        Ok, I guess I’ll bite. First, things that are hard don’t suck necessarily. And yea, parenting a newborn is hard, but its also fun to a lot of people. You say some people say it sucks, so that means it does? Lots of parents also describe it as amazing and wonderful. It different to different people. While you might think it would suck for you, and maybe it would, you really can’t say it sucks for everyone or sucks in general.
        You’re also not a parent, so I can see why you won’t think saying that raising a baby sucks is an offensive thing to say. Obviously lemon is raising a baby, and loves it. To say it sucks kinda discounts all her feelings of how much it doesn’t suck.
        Idk, I do get your initial overall point that if its hard here, it could be hard back in CO. That’s definitely true.

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      • katie

        katie April 10, 2014, 12:23 pm

        sorry, i guess im just not getting the social cues of when its ok to talk about how hard newborns are and when its not…. i mean wendy has written about it. every mother i have ever spoken to has said that having a newborn sucks, is incredibly hard, so many things you never think of, her body is destroyed, her relationship is going through tough times, bla bla bla, ect, all the stuff that all the moms *on here* have even all talked about before. im just not getting why its not ok to tell this LW that having a newborn is hard. its hard. it sucks. its a huge thing.

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      • avatar

        bethany April 10, 2014, 12:30 pm

        There’s a huge difference between something being hard and something sucking. If you told the LW that it was hard, no one would have a problem with it. Like, I just got a dog. Owning a dog is hard. But I would never say owning a dog sucks. Do you not see how those 2 statements mean different things?

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      • avatar

        rachel April 10, 2014, 12:37 pm

        I dunno, I think owning a dog sucks and is also awesome. Just because something sucks it doesn’t mean it has to suck all the time.

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      • avatar

        rachel April 10, 2014, 12:48 pm

        Haha, I guess people disagree. Anyway, I’m not trying to have an opinion on the kid thing. Just the semantics. Another example. I will always, always say “Moving sucks”. And I think most people would agree with me. But moving is also awesome. *shrug*

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2014, 12:49 pm

        That’s a good point. Obviously suck/hard seem to be different words to different people. I, for one, am shocked.

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      • avatar

        rachel April 10, 2014, 12:51 pm

        “Obviously suck/hard seem to be different words to different people.”
        .
        Where’s one of the guys to take that statement in a TOTALLY different direction? 😉

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2014, 12:54 pm

        Haha, brown chicken brown cow.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl April 10, 2014, 12:54 pm

        I don’t really have strong views on this, but I think **most** people would agree that saying something “sucks” has a negative connotation. Even dictionary.com says “Slang. to be repellent or disgusting.” So, I believe that’s where the offense is coming from. Just a poor word choice.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2014, 12:34 pm

        No one said parenting a newborn isn’t hard. I’m just saying it doesn’t “suck” for every parent and thought it was a strange thing to blanket on all newborns.
        .
        Its really not fair that if a parent defends parenting on here, they are labeled martyrs or whatever, or that if they say one thing about it, it means no non-parents are allowed to ever have opinions on it either. Obviously there are good times and bad times. There are good aspects of it and fun aspects of it. Its not all good and its not all sucky. That’s all I was saying. It doesn’t have to turn into a parent v non-parent/whose the martyr argument/when am “I” allowed to say anything per social cues that I’m not even aware of. You say you feel like you can’t share an opinion, well I’d say the same for me.
        .
        “im just not getting why its not ok to tell this LW that having a newborn is hard” Apparently by suck, you meant hard. If you had just said hard, no one would’ve disagreed. That’s just not what you said to the LW. You said it sucks, which, to me, means it only sucks and there’s nothing good about it, which obviously a lot of people would disagree with.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2014, 12:40 pm

        I’ll just add, I thought lemon’s reply was fair and nice. You said X, she disagreed and told you why. That’s what always happens here. It has nothing to do with you not being allowed to share your opinion as to parenting.
        And when lemon replied with her opinion (which apparently she shouldn’t have if she doesn’t want to be a mommy martyr or whatever) you reply with “no, it does suck”? No, lemon, you’re wrong, your opinion on all your parenting experience to date is wrong? Come on. How is *that* fair?

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      • lemongrass

        lemongrass April 10, 2014, 12:45 pm

        Thank you. I never said that non-parents shouldn’t talk about parenting or that we can’t have discussions.

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      • katie

        katie April 10, 2014, 12:47 pm

        i cant believe all of this happened just because of word choice. i said “sucks” because that is how i talk in real life, lol, no other reason.

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      • lemongrass

        lemongrass April 10, 2014, 12:43 pm

        To me, it is totally okay to say that it is hard because it is. It’s your choice of the word “suck” that I take issue with. When I think something sucks it means that I think everything about it is bad and there is nothing good. When something is hard it means that there are difficult things but there can still be good things and growth and benefits. Getting into a car accident sucks. Running a marathon is hard. There is a big difference in the word choice.

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      • katie

        katie April 10, 2014, 12:45 pm

        oh yea no those are like almost the same words to me. actually i would say its more of the reverse for me, if anything- sucks is a more casual, like “oh work sucks today! but i still love it” while “hard” would be more like “this is hard, its getting to me and im nearing the end of my rope”

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson April 10, 2014, 1:05 pm

        How about I just go ahead and say this whole discussion sucks. Babies suck. Adults suck. Dogs suck (rarely). The ban on booze in parks sucks. Me working inside when it’s 75 degrees out sucks. And this boring discussion about the definition of “sucks” sucks. So suck on that.

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      • katie

        katie April 10, 2014, 1:08 pm

        life sucks. especially this week and next week before my vacation starts. seriously.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle April 10, 2014, 11:31 am

        I think katie was just using “sucks” as shorthand for “having a baby is full of stresses that one has probably never before dealt with, & it’s difficult”. I sort of got the same vibe as her actually—like, does LW miss Colorado itself, or does she miss pre-baby life?* It’s probably a little of both. Missing pre-baby life doesn’t mean she regrets having a child or anything, but I think it’s possible to love your baby & also miss your former life without one (especially in the chaotic early stages)
        .
        *This is the sentence in particular that made me think a percentage of her misses pre-baby life just as much as she misses Colorado: “I miss my job as a massage therapist in a beautiful spa, I miss my friends, I miss camping and living in the mountains. I feel like part of my freedom has been taken away.”

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson April 10, 2014, 11:36 am

        You can take your baby camping! And Hiking! They have the cutest baby backpacks. You just pack that little shit up with the rest of your stuff. So fun. I want to have all of the babies in the mountains.

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      • lemongrass

        lemongrass April 10, 2014, 11:42 am

        Yes! We hiked a mountain with our baby last week.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl April 10, 2014, 11:52 am

        My parents took the 3 of us (ages 2, 4, and 12) on a week long road trip, hiking and camping our way to niagra falls and back. There where some rough moments (2am thunderstorms with infants in a minivan = not fun) but over all it was an awesome trip!

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        lets_be_honest April 10, 2014, 12:00 pm

        Camping! Its the best! Lil already knows how to start a fire by herself, and more importantly, how to make a perfect smore. Some of my favorite childhood memories involve the pack of us crammed in a tent somewhere. 🙂

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      • katie

        katie April 10, 2014, 11:42 am

        shorthand- exactly. i wouldnt even know what to write out if i had to make an accurate statment anyway because im not a mom- and we all know how offensive that would have been if i would have even tried amiright? so i just used “sucks”.

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      • avatar

        rachel April 10, 2014, 11:32 am

        I think katie’s overall point though is that all the change together has been a lot for the LW. Like she is maybe wistful for her life in Colorado, but that life doesn’t exist in the same form anymore. Whether having a baby “sucks”, it sure changes the way you live your life, so maybe the LW is blaming some of that change on just being in Ohio. It’s a point worth considering.

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  • avatar

    trixy minx April 10, 2014, 11:13 am

    I live in the Colorado mountains and its freaking awesome. LW you should come back.
    Sorry I don’t have anything helpful.

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    • avatar

      No Pants April 10, 2014, 11:42 am

      It really does seem like people who move to CO never leave. We grew up on the East Coast, and my brother went to DU. He and my SIL still live in Denver and he is always saying he could never give it up!

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        rachel April 10, 2014, 12:04 pm

        As Ross and I were considering where to move for our next jobs, we both were like…no, we shouldn’t go back to Colorado yet, because we want to move around a bit more first and if we go back there we’ll end up staying.

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        No Pants April 10, 2014, 12:31 pm

        He Pants and I have been talking about trying another state for a max of 2 years, with the intent of coming back to Philly. But I keep thinking that the only place I would move voluntarily is CO and I just know we wouldn’t come back!

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      • katie

        katie April 10, 2014, 12:06 pm

        my mom has always said that colorado is a state full of people who went on vacation and then never left.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest April 10, 2014, 11:50 am

      Haha, brutal honesty. I like it.

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  • avatar

    Painted_lady April 10, 2014, 11:22 am

    Along with talking to your husband about this and getting checked out by your doctor STAT, you need to have a conversation with your mom about your expectations for each other for the future. My older family members have run the entire spectrum of expectations, between one grandmother expecting someone to give up their life and job and home to come live with her and care for her full time, to a great aunt who surprised her kids by selling her house and moving into a facility where she has a medical safety net and all the independence she wants as long as she can handle it. And it sounds like your mom and dad may need to make some plans – if they can make them while they still have the means to plan, before someone’s hand is forced by medical/financial necessity, it needs to happen. And you need to make your needs clear there. Maybe it’s, “You can live with me once you need to, but our home will be here,” or maybe it’s, “I think it’s best for both of us if we find someplace where you can have your own space.” But this conversation needs to happen as soon as you are in a headspace to handle it. Because the family members of mine who didn’t have a plan in place before they stopped being able to take care of themselves were the ones who were most miserable and were the biggest stressors to the family. It should also be part of the conversation you have with your husband: my dad refused to let my grandmother live with he and my mom for very valid reasons, but they didn’t have that conversation until after everyone realized that my grandmother could no longer live alone but didn’t have the funds for a private nurse. So while that conversation will be stressful, it will save you a lot more stress down the line.

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  • avatar

    ktfran April 10, 2014, 11:30 am

    I’m really not sure how I feel about this letter. On the one hand, I don’t think your husband, LW, is giving Ohio a fair shot. And I really thing that, coupled with your new baby, is rubbing off on you and making you miserable. So, I want to say stick it out a little longer and give living in Ohio a chance. And your husband needs an attitude adjustment. There are plenty of threads on here about moving to a new city and learning to adept.
    .
    On the other hand, I want to tell you to move back to Colorado. As Wendy said, you don’t need to live your life for your parents. You need to do you. And any normal parent would understand that. And believe me, I understand the ease of having family close by. Especially to help with a little one. But if you and your husband are that miserable, it’s not good.
    .
    So, I see both sides and having nothing helpful to offer, except to have a heart to heart with your husband. Weigh the pros and cons. And make the best decision for the both of you. Not for anyone else.

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    • avatar

      ktfran April 10, 2014, 11:42 am

      Wow. *adapt. not adept.

      There are other mistakes. Sorry.

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson April 10, 2014, 11:34 am

    Move back. I’m one of those people that would never leave. Get your mom and step dad to come with you. Best of both worlds. Voila. You shouldn’t live your life to make your mom happy.

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  • Guy Friday

    Guy Friday April 10, 2014, 11:38 am

    Setting aside the PPD point — which is incredibly valid and should definitely be checked out by a physician to be safe — but as others have mentioned there’s one very other important thing you should do that I didn’t see Wendy mention: TALK TO YOUR MOM AND STEP-DAD. Seriously, just talk to them about all of this. Of course they’re over the moon and having a blast with having their brand new granddaughter around to dote on; who wouldn’t love having non-stop access like that? Of course they want to help you; they can probably sense you two are unhappy about the move and want to do whatever they can to make your lives easier. But I think it’s notable that there isn’t a single hint in your letter about your parents being overbearing or forceful or guilting you about staying around, and I suspect that it’s because they wouldn’t.
    .
    Yes, definitely talk about it with your husband, but just tell your mom and step-dad how you’re feeling too. If they’re anything like many parents, they’ll tell you not to worry about them right now and to live your lives the way you need to in order to be happy. I’m sure they’ll be disappointed if you move back to Colorado because they’re further away from their new granddaughter. And if all else fails, as others have pointed out, THEY can come to YOU down the road if they need help with daily living. Who says they wouldn’t want to?

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson April 10, 2014, 11:40 am

    When the question is should I love in place Y or Colorado the answer is always Colorado. Unless you’re from California or Texas and then you know, the answer is Y, because there are so fucking many of you and you don’t know how to drive in the snow and you essentially shouldn’t be allowed in this state without a valid license to drive in the snow. You fuck up traffic all the time.

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl April 10, 2014, 11:48 am

      hahaha. People from NC can’t drive in the snow either. Drives me bonkers. I signed your petition btw.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 10, 2014, 11:53 am

        I signed the other guy’s petition.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson April 10, 2014, 11:53 am

        That’s because you’re better than all of my other fb friends that probably didn’t. I’m tempted to like be a crazy picketer for the cause.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl April 10, 2014, 11:56 am

        I would if I where you! FL is trying to pass some crazy beer laws right now, and I’ve never e-mailed so many government officials in my life. I need to find a picket line to stand in.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson April 10, 2014, 12:01 pm

        I am like personally offended by it. I drink at the park every single weekend in the summers, and on Monday’s for kickball. I just don’t get it. How can we legalize weed and then start banning beer in parks? Legislatures need to get a fucking life. I will never understand certain people’s desire to police their fellow citizens. If you don’t want to be social stay in your house. I mean if you go to the park and are worried about what I’m doing – you should just do everyone a favor and stay inside. There was a news thing about it this morning and the people for the ban had the lamest excuses I’d heard of. One of them was that it made the parks too crowded. Ummmm what? What is the point of a park if people don’t use it. I’m mad all over again just thinking about it. I think I’m going to write a letter to the city board. On firm letterhead, haha.

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      • katie

        katie April 10, 2014, 12:04 pm

        but didja think about the babies, sampson?

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson April 10, 2014, 12:06 pm

        No. Not at all. People bring their babies to the park all the time, and I never worry about whether or not their parents put sunscreen on them or whether or not it’s weird that a 6 year old just watched me shot gun a beer. Because I worry about me and crusty people should worry about themselves.

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      • katie

        katie April 10, 2014, 12:20 pm

        this is why we are friends.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl April 10, 2014, 12:07 pm

        Yeah, I don’t get it either. It makes zero sense. Send any other petitions my way, I fully support your outdoor drinking.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson April 10, 2014, 12:11 pm

        Haha thanks I’m glad you support it, I feel like everyone around me is kinda just like oh that sucks. And I’m like about to start a revolution. There’s a disconnect there. It’s like you don’t just give up your right to drink outdoors at the park without a fight. I’m not going down like that. It’s like what do you want to do next? Ban dogs from the park? Those little assholes pee outside way more than drunk people.

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        lets_be_honest April 10, 2014, 12:16 pm

        What do you have against the old-fashioned, traditional BPB (brown paper bag)? Hater.

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      • avatar

        bethany April 10, 2014, 12:23 pm

        I don’t think you’re allowed to drink in parks in PA. We have a lot of dumb alcohol-related laws.

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        No Pants April 10, 2014, 12:37 pm

        Remind me to tell you the story about when I tried to buy alcohol the day I moved from VA to PA.

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      • avatar

        bethany April 10, 2014, 12:44 pm

        Let me guess… It was on a Sunday!

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson April 10, 2014, 12:55 pm

        You can’t buy alcohol on Sundays? Even Jesus turned water into wine.

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        No Pants April 10, 2014, 1:02 pm

        In VA, you can buy beer and wine pretty much anywhere – CVS, the gas station, grocery store, etc. The first thing I did after getting off the PA Turnpike was go to Giant and ask where the beer was located. It basically became a showdown of eyerolls between me and the cashier because neither of us understood what the other was talking about. It was one big WTF.

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      • LlamaPajamas

        LlamaPajamas April 10, 2014, 1:05 pm

        I have a similar story from when I moved here! I just wanted stuff to make margaritas after unpacking all day and I drove around for over an hour trying to find a liquor store. I kept going into beer stores and getting increasingly desperate and finally I was just like “WHERE THE HELL CAN I GET A MARGARITA IN THIS STUPID STATE?!” I’m pretty sure everyone in the store thought I had a drinking problem.

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        bethany April 10, 2014, 1:12 pm

        I think you can now, actually, but like 10 years ago, the only place you could buy beer on a Sunday (aside from New Jersey!) was at a bar, and that was only 6ers to go. And the wine/liquor stores were all closed.

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        MsMisery April 10, 2014, 1:15 pm

        I am always surprised/amused by alcohol laws in other places. NJ/PA/The South seem to be the strangest. I’m in IL and you can pretty much buy any type of alcohol (BEER AND WINE TOGETHER OH MY) at any place that sells it (EVEN THE GAS STATION!) on any day of the week, as long as it’s open.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl April 10, 2014, 1:25 pm

        I believe the laws are now in pa that on sundays after 1pm you can purchase alcohol at a store or restaurant. But you still have to go to a state owned “wine and spirits shoppe” and a individually licensed beer distributer (where you can only by a case, no 6 packs). Then there are special restaurants who have 6 pack licenses so you can buy up to 2 of those. Basically you have to drive all over damnation to get what you want.

        I prefer FL where I can buy my beers any time, day or night, and at just about any store. Including a single at the gas station, haha.

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      • kare

        kare April 10, 2014, 4:54 pm

        Do other states besides Texas have drive thru liquor stores? Some people seem to be amazed by it but I never thought it was a big deal. Even my small hometown has a corner store where you can drive through and get a tall boy or 6 pack.

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        rachel April 10, 2014, 5:07 pm

        The alcohol laws in Wisconsin are mostly reasonable…except for no one sells in any stores past 9! 9!! It’s pretty crazy. I was at whole foods yesterday and had to make sure to buy beer before 9, even though the store closed at 10.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl April 10, 2014, 12:57 pm

        You can’t do anything fun with alcohol in PA.

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  • avatar

    AKchic April 10, 2014, 11:46 am

    I felt the same way after being moved across country to New Jersey. I had nobody but my in-laws, and they were a biased support. I lasted all of five months there. Why? My then-husband decided he wanted a divorce.

    Home is where the heart is, and your heart is in Colorado. There is nothing wrong with that. Your mother has a support network there in Ohio that she can lean on if your stepfather has issues and she needs help, plus you’d only be a few hours away by plane.
    Visiting goes two ways. You can go to them on occasion, or they can go to you.

    Start out by talking with your husband and finding out what he wants to do. Then start figuring out how you’re going to make it happen.

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  • LlamaPajamas

    LlamaPajamas April 10, 2014, 11:31 am

    WEES – make the best of it until you decide what your next step will be. I like survival strategies so I’m going to offer you one: try visiting every National Park in Ohio while you’re living there! I’m a little biased because I’m marrying a Park Ranger, but NPS sites are awesome! You’ll learn something new even if you’ve visited them as a kid, and you’ll get to spend quality time outside with your husband and baby.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom April 10, 2014, 12:40 pm

      Ohio is also packed with county parks and bike and walking trails. There is Lake Erie in the north with beautiful beaches and 12? counties in the southeast that are considered Appalachian. The winters can be cold and snowy but that happens in the mountains in Colorado too.

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    • shanshantastic

      shanshantastic April 11, 2014, 11:34 am

      Our parks really are awesome, especially depending on where you are. LW – NEO? Nearby? It has its charm, though I would honestly go to CO in a heartbeat too (despite being born and raised in OH).

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom April 10, 2014, 12:45 pm

    If the thin mountain air made pregnancy extra difficult then I think you need to consider whether you want another baby and if you do, wait to move back to Colorado when you are done having children.

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  • avatar

    sarahhhh April 10, 2014, 2:34 pm

    I only skimmed what everyone else said so I am sorry if I am repeating things unnecessarily but I feel like something that was maybe not super heavily addressed is that the LW said that part of her motivation for moving in the first place was to get back on their feet financially, because living in CO was super expensive. So I would definitely take that into consideration when planning to move back. Maybe make a timeline of when you want to move back based upon how long it will take you to save X amount of money – the amount of money you feel that would be enough to cover moving expenses and get you started AND keep you from being too stressed out for the first year you are back in CO. That would maybe help relieve your stress, because then you have a working plan to eventually go back, and it would also allow some additional time for your mom and stepdad to enjoy the early part of your daughter’s life, and hopefully it would also give your husband some light at the end of the tunnel to help him relax as well. A sound financial plan would really help take off some of the pressure, IMO.

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  • avatar

    tbrucemom April 10, 2014, 5:48 pm

    I feel for the LW. I know when my my was alive and I had my first child the thought of leaving her and taking away her only grandchild away very well might have kept me in the same town. After she passed we did move away after a few years but I don’t know if I could have done it while she was still alive. But you need to live your life with your husband and baby. The only thing I’ll add is sometimes we romanticize things and it may not be as great in Colorado as you remember especially now that your circumstances have changed (i.e., you’re a mother).

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