After he came back from Christmas break, I realized I had a problem — I was totally falling for him. I tried to ignore it, but the more we hung out together, and the more he casually touched my hand or lower back, the more I couldn’t stop from thinking about him. We have cuddled on the couch a couple times, and sometimes he gives me random hugs. Things really progressed in a different direction last week when I was having bad cramps and he came into my room to see if I was ok. Not only did he climb into bed next to me, but he also talked to me to help make me feel better. About an hour later, I was feeling better, and I wanted him to know I appreciated him, so I kissed him. He reciprocated, but also pulled back and said, “We shouldn’t be doing this.” I immediately conceded and lay back down on his shoulder. I felt better, I felt comfortable, and I drifted off to sleep. Maybe it was a few minutes or an hour later, but I suddenly noticed his heart rate speeding up, his hands were all over my skin and in my hair, and when I leaned my head back to say something, he practically attacked me. We made out like our lives depended on it!! It felt amazing….until he pulled back. He said he didn’t think this was a good idea. I asked him if it would be different if we weren’t roommates and he said yes, but that he loves the friendship we have and doesn’t want to ruin anything.
Over the last couple days I’ve tried to show him that we can be normal and can remain friends, and for the most part things aren’t weird. We even cuddled on the couch watching a movie since the kiss. My question to you would be how do I know he is interested in me as more than friends? I wouldn’t make a move again if I didn’t think he was interested. Right now he seems more scared to lose what we have. How do I show him there is no need to be scared? I hope in some way you could shed some light on my crazy situation. — Falling for Roomie
It’s really not that crazy a situation, to be honest. You are two young, single people who enjoy each other’s company and are attracted to each other and can’t decide whether the temptation to take things to the next level is worth the risk to your friendship and your roommate situation. But the decision has already been made for you. You HAVE taken things to the next level, and you are fooling yourselves if you think you can just rewind now and pretend that your attraction to each other doesn’t exist and that the make-out session between you never happened and that the feelings you have aren’t really there. They’re there. And neither one of you seems capable of keeping things at a strictly platonic level or there wouldn’t be cuddling on the couch and kisses in bed and so forth.
So, what do you do now? You have four options: 1) Continue living with each other but avoid having a relationship; 2) Continue living together and start a relationship; 3) Stop living together and continue your friendship; 4) Stop living together and try dating. I can tell you right away that option 1 will not work. You won’t be able to avoid being intimate with each other…at least not without a mad amount of frustration and jealousy. What happens when one of you starts dating someone else? What happens when he brings a girl home or you bring home a guy? (It’s not going to be good). You might have better luck with option 2, but talk about pressure. What happens if you decide you aren’t good as romantic partners? Or, what happens if one person falls in love but the other doesn’t? What happens if it’s a messy breakup? Or, what if you simply need a little distance from each other (and you will)? It’s not like you’ll be able to just go home to get away for a while.
If it were I, I’d go with option 3 or 4. (I’d probably try option 4!). I think you should ask him to move out, find a new roommate (someone there is no possibility of you being attracted to or wanting to date) and go from there. He might be inconvenienced, but I’ll bet he’ll be more relieved than anything, and so will you. If you really like each other, you’ll continue to make time for one another and the time you’ll have together will be more special because it won’t be this whole, awkward “we shouldn’t be doing this…” thing. Then again, it may turn out that the real appeal to your attraction has been the idea that it’s forbidden and, once it’s no longer forbidden, it won’t be all that hot anymore. In that case, you’ll hopefully still get a great friend out of the equation and you won’t have to worry about your roommate bringing home a date you wish could be you.
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