Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I’m in Love with my Gay Best Friend!”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss being in love with a gay BFF, overbearing moms, and alerting the other woman.

I’m in love with my gay best friend. He and I were very close and unfortunately I fell in love hard. We never messed around or anything but there was sexual tension on my behalf. We stopped talking because life got in the way and I can’t get over him. I told him I loved him and he hasn’t talked to me since. My friends think I’m crazy because I always get hit on but have no interest in other dudes. How do I move on? — In love with my Gay BFF

 
Maybe it’s safe for you to love your gay best friend because you know there’s no threat to have your heart broken. My hunch is when you are truly ready for a relationship and the risk of getting hurt, you won’t have trouble falling for someone who’s straight and available.

I’m 31-years-old and I live with my mom. She treats me like I’m 15-years-old. I’m not allowed to go out with a guy but I’ve been dating a guy for a couple of years now and I when I do go out she is constantly calling me, telling me it’s late. I understand her concerns but sometimes I feel so restricted. I want to talk to her but she scares the heck out of me and I rather not get her mad. What should I do? — Tired of Meddling Mom

 
Move out.

I found out eight months ago that my then-boyfriend (now ex) was cheating on me. I confronted him and he did not deny it, nor did he end it with the other woman, who knew about me. Four months ago, I simply couldn’t take it any more and broke it off.

Just to see, I gave my ex a proposition and he has been cheating on her with me! I have incriminating evidence of this through emails and texts — he even has the videos! Meanwhile, the other woman is now moving to our town from a different state. Should I let her know her boyfriend’s been cheating on her? Maybe she won’t sell her home and move here. I have half a mind to wait until her home is sold and then tell her. What do you think? — I’m the Other Woman Now

 
Why in the world are you out to sabotage this woman you’ve never even met before when you’re willing to sleep with a guy who cheated on you? And if my reading comprehension of your subtext is correct and you hope to get back together with the scumbag and are willing to screw over some other woman in the process, then honey, you deserve whatever drama and heartache will be coming your way. Why don’t you give yourself a break and MOA instead.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

99 comments… add one
  • avatar

    JK November 11, 2011, 7:21 am

    Just wow. And what Wendy said.

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  • avatar

    EB November 11, 2011, 8:07 am

    “Just to see, I gave my ex a proposition and he has been cheating on her with me!”

    Uhh… “just to see” what exactly … how little self-respect you have yourself?

    Congratulations you’ve “proved” your ex is an appalling human being but seem to have given up your last shred of dignity in the process.

    For the love of God, pull yourself together woman! Seriously, PLEASE develop some BASIC standards of acceptable conduct and begin to hold potential significant others AND yourself to said standards. It might also be beneficial to seek professional help since therapists can be a great help in identifying self defeating behavior (i.e. revenge is rarely a good motive for sex).

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    • avatar

      CollegeCat November 11, 2011, 9:50 am

      The worst thing is she is getting the revenge on the wrong person. This other woman didn’t owe her anything. While its nice to imagine a world where a woman wouldn’t sleep with another woman’s so it doesn’t exist. How about the guy who cheated on her? She just rewarded him with no string sex until his gf moves in. Why she blames this woman and not her bf (who actually had a commitment to her) for the “end” of their relationship I will never understand. and trying to make sure this woman loses her home makes her “an appalling human being” as well.

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      • avatar

        bethany November 11, 2011, 9:55 am

        I HATE when women do that! They blame the other woman, when really, blame the guy! He’s the dick that cheated on you! Thanks for bringing this up!

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      • avatar

        Calliopedork November 11, 2011, 11:33 am

        While i agree that more blame falls on the ex, the other woman did know about her and helped the ex cheat anyway. Lw still needs to move on and stop being immature but I get wanting revenge.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest November 11, 2011, 9:51 am

      Thanks for the early morning laugh. People are idiots! LW3, thanks for making us all look bad. Trash.

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      • rainbow

        rainbow November 11, 2011, 11:29 am

        Actually, I think she’s making us look better by contrast.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B November 11, 2011, 11:55 am

        Maybe lets_be_honest means LW is making women in general look bad? I mean, when I hear some of the things women do to men, yikes, no wonder they’re afraid of commitment. Not that this guy is worth anyone’s trouble…

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 11, 2011, 12:25 pm

        Yes, I meant women in general. Thanks.

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      • rainbow

        rainbow November 11, 2011, 12:37 pm

        i know, it was a joke =)

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  • avatar

    oppositeofzen November 11, 2011, 8:22 am

    LW1 – Wendy’s advice was spot-on. Sit down and try to think about why you fell for your BFF. Maybe that will show you what you need to do so you can find a guy who is interested in you.

    LW2 – Seriously?! You’re 31 and complaining how your mother treats you because you live at home. Maybe she’s trying to force you to move out.

    LW3 – Yeah, your ex is a piece of work. And because of what you did, you are too. If you were just wanting to help her, that would be one thing, but you’re just being vengeful and purposely trying to hurt her because she hurt you. I don’t think I need to tell you how petty and immature that is. Yeah, he cheated on you with her and now you’re doing it to her. Be the bigger person and move on.

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    • avatar

      Ally November 11, 2011, 12:32 pm

      Haha, I can just imagine another letter coming in…

      “Please help, my 31 year old daughter is still living with me. I’ve tried everything I can think of, even treating her like a 15 year old but still she won’t take a hint, what should I do???”

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  • avatar

    DDL November 11, 2011, 8:22 am

    Oooooookay.

    LW 1: Start finding activities to take your mind off of him – he just wasn’t that into you! Don’t worry about finding a guy to date – you get hit on all the time – just enjoy your life as much as you can until you find you stop thinking about him obsessively 24/7/365. Yes, it is safer to love someone you know doesn’t love (in that way) you back, but seriously, you can’t live your life like that. Also, he’s not talking to you because he probably thinks it’s weird that you know he’s gay and you still told him you were in love with him romantically.

    LW 2: Yeah, are you 15? No? Then get out of your mother’s house. You know, while you still live with your parents, you have to follow the rules of their house. Why? Because it’s THEIR house. So, if you want your mother to leave you alone, move out. (And why does she scare you? Probably so you’ll take a hint and leave.)

    LW 3: waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait. Stop. This trainwreck is happening way too fast for my brain to process.

    Okay. You had a boyfriend. He’s a douchey scumbag who cheated on you with a woman. You broke it off. (HINT: IT SHOULD’VE ENDED THERE). Then, he cheated on her… with you. Right? Wonderful. So… you have emails and texts that prove he cheated on her with you… and he has the videos?? You were dumb enough to make sex tapes just to prove to her that he’s cheating scum? Also: why would you proposition your ex when you know he has a gf? To prove he’s cheating scum? Well, hun, you already knew that WHEN HE CHEATED ON YOU WITH HER!! Oh my God! You’d do all this to get an asshat back?? Why would you want this douchebag back? (And you’re not much of a catch either for causing this big pile of flaming dog shit.) Delete the emails and texts and destroy the videos cause this will only come back to bite you in the ass. Oh, and don’t forget to delete your ex’s number.. and his Facebook.

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    • avatar

      MissDre November 11, 2011, 8:49 am

      Like x1000

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      • avatar

        DDL November 11, 2011, 9:31 am

        Honestly, somedays I read these letters and think, “Really, people… really?!” It usually gets my panties in a knot.

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    • avatar

      atraditionalist November 11, 2011, 10:43 am

      AGREE! Way to go LW3: you sure punished him by dumping him and then giving him sex with no strings attached and letting him videotape it! I bet he learned his lesson now. You sound pathetic.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 11, 2011, 12:58 pm

        I think yours is the best comment for LW3. What a moron.

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  • FireStar

    FireStar November 11, 2011, 8:33 am

    What scares me most about the last letter is that you are all old enough to own property and are acting this way. You let him take a video? Seriously? So you can have proof that you “beat” the other girl? And the prize is what exactly? There is no winning here – you’ve already lost – now it just up to you how much more you want to lose.

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    • avatar

      DDL November 11, 2011, 9:43 am

      The prize is having her sex tape posted on the Internets and the shame when everyone she knows sees it.

      …I foresee another letter coming our way: ‘My ex and I made a sex tape to get back at the girl he cheated on me with who’s now his girlfriend, and he showed to everyone!’ Ugh.

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    • avatar

      Greebo November 11, 2011, 12:43 pm

      This reminds me of tv shows where 2+ women are fighting over whether some loser deadbeat is the “baby daddy”. Whenever the woman is right, she acts like she won a prize, and I’m thinking “Honey, he’s a deadbeat, a cheater and a scumbag who hasn’t manned up for any of his other kids. You should be ashamed for not holding yourself more dearly than to get involved with this sad sack in the first place”. (This is the stuff my office watches over lunch. Sad, isn’t it?)

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl November 11, 2011, 8:47 am

    LW#2- You didn’t really allude to why you live with your mother and there are a million different reasons why you could be – it’s cheap/free, you don’t want her to be alone, she needs you to help with her medical care, ect, ect. What you should do really depends on why you live there and if you pay to live there. Long story short – If you live there rent free your mother has ever right to control the times you come and go. If you pay rent and split utilities, then tell her to butt out. I also think you should think about why she doesn’t want you to see this man, are her concerns valid? If it’s possible the best solution would be to move out. If you can’t move out, bite the bullet and talk to your mom. Act like the grown woman you are and have an adult conversation with her.

    LW#3- Run, run away from this whole situation.

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    • avatar

      Greebo November 11, 2011, 12:48 pm

      Re #2–While I agree Mom has the right to expect courtesy (come home quietly, no crazy parties, etc.) I disagree that any 35 year old should be treated like a 15 year old. If LW can move out, she should, even if she has to get a roommate and a cheap apartment. However, if she’s there because Mom needs medical help or something, and she can’t leave, that legitimately could be in lieu of rent. Also, because that arrangement benefits Mom arguably as much as or more than LW, Mom should have more incentive to be reasonable. After all, if LW moves out, Mom has to pay for in-home care.

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  • avatar

    SweetPea November 11, 2011, 9:01 am

    I feel kind of sad after reading these. I just took a trip to Debbie Downerville.

    LW 1- It sucks to love someone you can never have. But, maybe suck it up the next time some guy hits on you and… get to know him a little!!! I kind of feel like maybe you aren’t giving any of these guys the proper chance. Even if it doesn’t turn out to be “true love”, the distraction will be great for you. And you’ll eventually get over your bff with all these distractions.

    LW2- I am guessing that maybe you have fallen on some hard financial times. I’ve had some spans in my adulthood where I had to live with my parents. But, I did what I could to get out. You should too. Find a roomie and a cheap place (even if it is tiny and a little run down… a little TLC will go a long way). You can’t really feel happy about your life as is? And if you are somehow at home because your Mom is ill or needs your financial help (which I doubt), then you do have the authority to do as you please. Time to be an adult- no matter what the case.

    LW3- Stop. I know it hurts to get cheated on… but as they say… living well is the best revenge! You could have shown this douche what a classy, successful and happy woman you are WITHOUT him. Instead, you added to the douchebaggery. Ugh. Cut off contact with him. Destroy your “evidence”. Let it go. This woman knows all about this guy. It’s not like she is some innocent party. She was the mistress! And, anyway, I know you’re not doing this to be a nice person by letting her know. You’re going to feel so much better once you stop these kinds of maddening situations and adding to the ridiculousness that exists in the world.

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    • avatar

      DebMoore November 11, 2011, 2:30 pm

      Awww come on now I am not that depressing!

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  • avatar

    Kerrycontrary November 11, 2011, 9:21 am

    LW3-you know what I hate about this whole situation, and it’s pretty common when cheating is involved? You think that because you hurt that everyone needs to hurt. Please stop kidding yourself by saying you are telling her for her benefit. That is the biggest lie that women tell themselves and their friends when revealing a cheater. If you really wanted to do anything for her benefit, it would be to stop sleeping with her boyfriend. You are doing it because this is the only way you know how to get back at your boyfriend. The other woman already knows that her boyfriend is capable of cheating. Just say good riddance and move on.

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  • avatar

    CollegeCat November 11, 2011, 9:28 am

    LW 3 you should be ashamed of yourself. You do not want to help this other woman. If you think the readers of this site are stupid enough to believe that saving her from this relationship is your end goal you are even more dumb than I thought. You just want this douchebag for yourself. You video taped yourself having sex to prove to some other woman that you slept with her bf? You let HIM keep the tapes? You are going to reveal this evidence to her after she has sold her home? If she was his mistress and decided to move across the country to be with a cheater, she was already screwing herself – you didn’t need to join in. Why don’t you stay out of their relationship and get a real one of your own. All you are doing is proving to this man that he can treat women (especially you) however he wants and still get fucked on either coast. Congratulations you are the epitome of everything a grown ass woman shouldn’t be.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray November 11, 2011, 9:35 am

    $5 says LW2 writes back with an update and a whole shit ton of other facts that justify why at 31 she lives at home.

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    • rainbow

      rainbow November 11, 2011, 11:19 am

      Exactly what i was going to say: “No, you don’t understand! I can’t move out. I’m allergic to cats! what if i ever run into a cat and she’s not there to scratch me when it itches? Besides, her purse was snatched once when she went to the grocery store 25 years ago, and she hasn’t been able to get over it! She’s a sick woman who’s been through a lot! I need to go to the grocery store for her goddammit! She needs me! Besides, everybody knows it’s been 10 years since the last time a citizen of this country got a job. There are no jobs! How am I supposed to pay for my own place?”

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  • avatar

    Matcha November 11, 2011, 10:03 am

    “— he even has the videos!”

    Derp. He clearly has no moral compass. THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING.

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    • avatar

      TheGirl November 11, 2011, 11:11 am

      Those videos of her and her ex are now making him money on the internet.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 11, 2011, 12:27 pm

        Did you know there is actually a website devoted just to ex girlfriend homemade porn?

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      • avatar

        Caris November 11, 2011, 9:30 pm

        srsly? O.o

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      • avatar

        Joanna November 12, 2011, 5:27 pm

        There’s probably more than one. It sounds like a good cash cow idea.

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  • avatar

    KAM November 11, 2011, 10:05 am

    We need to quarantine the LW3 on some far, FAR away island with her boyfriend. That way, she gets her boyfriend back, sans girlfriend, boyfriend is punished by not having anyone else to cheat with (and is stuck with the LW3), that poor third woman is spared from these two and then LW3 and her scummy ex are kept at a safe distance from the rest of society. It’s a win for everyone!

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    • avatar

      Matcha November 11, 2011, 10:07 am

      Eh, I wouldn’t call her ‘that poor third woman.’ She obviously has to be some level of crazy to associate with these winners.

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      • avatar

        KAM November 11, 2011, 10:18 am

        True…

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      • avatar

        6napkinburger November 11, 2011, 11:16 am

        And she’s the one who knowingly cheated with LW3’s boyfriend when LW3 and boyfriend were still together. Not that LW3 should love this woman, or be BFFs, but LW3 should be the most mad at the BF, not the other woman. Still, though, she’s no “poor woman”.

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      • avatar

        KAM November 11, 2011, 11:23 am

        Agreed – that was definitely poor wording on my part. But she seems like a pretty standard cheater – someone you could easily steer clear of. The LW3 and her ex seem to be extra-scummy-super-messed-up-special-edition cheaters. By comparison, the third woman doesn’t seem nearly as bad. Granted, I don’t know the whole story. Nor do I want to. My brain hurts enough with this situation, as it is.

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      • avatar

        Matcha November 11, 2011, 4:22 pm

        Also, totally wondering–if this other woman doesn’t live in state, how did he continually cheat on the LW with her for four months? LDR cheating? And convince her to move cross-country? The whole thing is messed up.

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest November 11, 2011, 10:18 am

    Did anyone else catch that LW3 stayed with her cheating boyfriend for FOUR MONTHS before deciding she should dump him? WTH?!?!

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    • avatar

      Matcha November 11, 2011, 10:23 am

      Yeah. Clearly some kind of codependency going on there. Maybe he thought he couldn’t dump her any other way and figured that’d do it? But he sounds like a jerk, so I think I’m giving him too much credit.

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    • avatar

      EB November 11, 2011, 10:48 am

      ” I confronted him and he did not deny it, nor did he end it with the other woman, who knew about me.”

      Yeah and not just 4 months of cheating it was 4 months of OPEN and UNAPOLOGETIC cheating. I’ll just take a shot a dark and guess that the LW has a pretty high level of self hatred…I don’t know how else to explain being such a glutton for punishment except a deep-rooted belief that one isn’t deserving of happiness.

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      • avatar

        Greebo November 11, 2011, 12:51 pm

        Is it even “cheating” at that point? He sees other women. She knows it. She made a choice to accept it. She could move on or out. I don’t even see the illusion of monogamy left here.

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      • avatar

        ForeverYoung November 11, 2011, 3:19 pm

        Yeah I agree. She sounds like she just loves playing the victim. Own your life, LW. Your life has taken such a pathetic turn down loser lane my brain is about to explain.

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      • avatar

        ForeverYoung November 11, 2011, 3:20 pm

        Explain = explode.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl November 11, 2011, 12:19 pm

      I think EB said it best…”not just 4 months of cheating it was 4 months of OPEN and UNAPOLOGETIC cheating.” It is possible for a relationship to survive an incident of cheating through a lot of communication and work on both partners behalf. This guy clearly did nothing to fix the relationship. She needs to MOA like yesterday.

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  • rainbow

    rainbow November 11, 2011, 10:50 am

    oh boy.

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  • Chicago-Dude

    DudeInChicago November 11, 2011, 10:55 am

    LW3 – here’s an alternate advice: Slap yourself!

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    • rainbow

      rainbow November 11, 2011, 11:03 am

      also, LW2 – Sue Stephen King for stealing you and your mother’s story for Carrie and buy your own house with the money.

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  • avatar

    Eljay November 11, 2011, 11:04 am

    I’m with JK. Wow….just wow. I’m speechless.

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  • avatar

    SGMcG November 11, 2011, 11:22 am

    LW#1 – It’s very easy to fall for your gay best friend if he’s the only guy you’ve made yourself available to. Finding the right partner involves giving yourself permission to be vulnerable to the other person. If you can’t trust yourself to do that with the other person, you have to develop that trust within you first.

    LW#2 – My sister is your age, and she still lives with our parents, yet she also helps contribute to the household with her full-time job and is currently pursing a nursing degree to compliment her MBA. Mom will give her flack about her occasional late nights, but Mom also knows my sister’s class schedule and my sister has the courtesy to tell her in advance when she’ll be home late for a social event. If you’re not willing to give your Mom the same level of transparancy and respect as you live under her roof, you SHOULD move out.

    LW#3 – When you ended the relationship, you should have MOAed – not gone on to make more videos with him as the other woman. MOA, DTMFA, JUST STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM ALREADY! You know the guy is lousy with maintaining relationship monogamy, so why would you let him keep the evidence of that? The only thing you’ve done LW is made yourself more likely to becoming an unwilling future-amateur porn star – so congratulations on having your current exploits potentially being uploaded on the internet on one of those ex-girlfriend revenge sites for all to see.

    I hope you at LEAST had birth control utilized.

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  • avatar

    6napkinburger November 11, 2011, 11:53 am

    Threadjack:I suddenly have a renewed understanding for the LW’s who just can’t stop contacting someone, when you want to be like, HONEY! Jeez!

    A guy (let’s be honest, an ex from many years ago who was one of my best friends) and I were supposed to hang out right after my breakup; he had just had a breakup and we were going to be workout buddies/get our life on track buddies. Then he got sent on a business trip to europe, supposed to be for 2 weeks. Then 3 weeks. then a month, then another week. For the first 3 weeks, each wee, we’d make dinner plans and then cancel them when he found out he’d have to stay aother week. Then at about a month in, I stopped hearing from him so regularly. It would be like 2 emails on my part (short ones) to one on his. So I stopped emailing, for a week. Then I just sent a quick email (one sentence: “Did france eat you?”) to which he responded “yes. but at least I have a final date now. home on tuesday.” Tuesday, I hear nothing, Wednesday, I get a gchat, hey, I’m finally back! (but back at work 🙁 ) We go back and forth for a little while, he asks how I am, I respond, he responds, and then I respond and then… nothing. He “hides” on gchat, so once I close the box, he’s gone. A couple hours later, I email him a one line question about him taking time off, because i can’t gchat him. No response. Yesterday, I do nothing. Am I allowed to contact him today, or do i have to wait? [To reiterate: he gets home from europe, he gchats me, we chat, with me with the last couple of chats with no response, me send a one line email followup (so are they letting you taked time off?), then one day of no contact, now today.]

    I know, I’m being crazy. But now I understand it. No/seemingly random contact is so freaking frustrating and makes you crazy! (for the record, while i SOUND crazy here, I don’t think i’ve BEEN crazy to him (yet). And a big part of me thinks he met someone in Europe, because he was really emaily/contacty for the first couple weeks, and kept mentioning dinner and how he was excited for it).

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    • avatar

      Matcha November 11, 2011, 12:09 pm

      Girl, that guy is stringing you along!I would just stop talking to him, and when he comes back for a date say, “Sorry, I met someone.” But then again, I’m spiteful.

      Okay, reading it over again: He’s being flaky at best. I would wait for him to email you. You put the ball in his court, and you can’t play the game if he won’t return the serve.

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      • avatar

        6napkinburger November 11, 2011, 12:15 pm

        Let me clarify that there is absolutely no question that he went to europe for business and that it was extended as long as he says it was. (And it kept getting extended while he was there.) I hung out with several mutual friends throughout the month and a popular topic was whether or not his company was ever going to let him come back from europe. In fact, I was more “in the know” at the beginning than the others.

        Though I agree about the stupid ball. I’m just impatient. I want to go steal the ball back! I’m restless.

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      • avatar

        bethany November 11, 2011, 1:31 pm

        I don’t think he’s stringing her along at all. He’s acting how a guy acts towards his friend when he’s just gotten back from a business trip. Back off. He doesn’t want to be your boyfriend.

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      • avatar

        6napkinburger November 11, 2011, 1:42 pm

        To be fair (to defend myself), I’m only “on” in my head. Our convo had shifted to be about work hours and I had a couple of comments in a row about why my hours were low this week but it wasn’t a big deal, because I had a busy Winter. Thats what i got no response to. Then about an hour later, I emailed saying the box had closed, and asked if his company was giving him a couple of days off.

        So while I’m being a little nutsy over here and in my head, I doubt he would have read that as “crazy girl trying to be my girlfriend”. I don’t think I need to “back off” as much as I need to “not get on in the first place, continue not being crazy and don’t contact him unless he contacts me.” But I don’t think im coming on crazy strong, except it my head.

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      • Skyblossom

        SKyblossom November 11, 2011, 2:03 pm

        You’re right. Don’t contact him until/unless he contacts you.

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      • avatar

        bethany November 11, 2011, 2:15 pm

        You still need to back off though, because “Crazy in your head” is still crazy. What it comes down to is that you are justifying behavior that is ‘more than a friend’ behavior. Just because you’re acknoledging that you’re “crazy in your head” doesn’t make it ok. AND you’re using this guy as a distraction from your X instead of just dealing with the breakup… Come on now! You know better than that! (or at least you should_

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        6napkinburger November 11, 2011, 2:31 pm

        What does “just dealing with the breakup” actually mean? I’m actively reconnecting with people who i haven’t seen, getting involved in clubs and non-profits, working out a lot more, making sure my calendar is full. I realize that i don’t want my ex in my life, but im not sure how ready i am to put myself out there fully, so i am trying to busy myself with a guy who is in a similar place to me and seemed very open to the idea of being each other’s “get through this buddy”. Except then he got sent away and that idea kind of stagnated, and now i have no idea where it stands.

        I actually don’t understand how its bad to work your way through getting over one guy by keeping yourself occupied/distracted with another guy, especially if no one is going to seriously get hurt.

        And “being crazy in your head” is actually ok. It’s not great at achieving your goals (as in, if you act on it, it will most likely scare the dude away) but its not like, morally or unhealthy. You never get crushes on guys so you overexamine everything you do to try to make sure that you aren’t coming on too strong? You never realize that they aren’t that into you but you still have a bit of a crush so you obsess doubly so you don’t come off like a loser?

        If I ruin things with this guy because i come on too strong or I want something he doesn’t, ok. That sucks for me. But i didn’t commit some sort of dating crime, like, for instance, videoing myself with me cheating ex so i could send her the video after I sold my house. That would be seriously NOT OK behavior. But obsessing about a guy in your head who may or may not be interested? That is perfectly ok, albeit not always effective at getting what you want.

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        lets_be_honest November 11, 2011, 2:45 pm

        Months ago on here I had asked what a serial monogamist is and now that I know, I would say that is what’s “wrong” with using another guy to move on from one ex. I don’t know whether its wrong or not, but I’m sure someone else will jump on that to fill in what I couldn’t.
        But being “crazy in your head” probably is unhealthy, even if you don’t act on it. Take jealousy, just because you don’t flip out every time the man comes home 5 minutes late, thinking he was boning a chick for the 4.5 minutes is not good.

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        bethany November 11, 2011, 2:46 pm

        Dealing with the breakup means feeling whatever it is that you need to feel in order to feel good again and then moving on. You can’t really do that by filling the hole with another guy, or even a friend or an activity.

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        Matcha November 11, 2011, 3:46 pm

        Oops, I interpreted “dinner plans” as “date.” My bad.

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        6napkinburger November 11, 2011, 3:57 pm

        It was kind of left up in the air. Even before he went away, I wasn’t sure if it was a date or not; and I kinda figured I’d let whatever he did when the check came determine which one it was.

        I seriously think that he was all into it as much as I was (whatever “it” is), until something happened in the 4th week in europe, where I think he met someone else or something else happened involving a girl. I think that’s the only thing that makes this timeline make sense to me, other than really just putting it on backburner.

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        lets_be_honest November 11, 2011, 4:05 pm

        If you really liked him (willing to be on a date) and wanted it to be more than friends helping each other get over breakups (like you initially said), why not just come out with it? Tell him what you are looking for or at the least, that you are interested in possibly pursuing more. Why wait for him to pay the dinner bill or whatever? (and even then, I pay for my friends’ meals sometimes so not indicitive of anything really).

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        6napkinburger November 11, 2011, 4:10 pm

        Why did i wait? Because he went to europe for over a month! lol. I never had a chance to do anything, and now i can’t email/text him because i’m supposed to wait til he contacts me!!

        I have no idea what i want from the guy; we were just starting to talk and were going to go out to dinner. Then that got stretched out for like 45 days, so now i’m antsy. Hence why i want to get this show on the road, whatever the show is. But i know i’m not supposed to so i’m waiting.

        This exactly is the frustration which is i why i even wrote in 🙂

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        lets_be_honest November 11, 2011, 4:20 pm

        I just ask because you said you weren’t sure if it was a date and were going to wait for HIM to determine that by whether or not he paid the bill or whatever. So my question was really more of Why wait for him to determine and then go along for the ride.
        Sounds like you know what to do for now though, which is see if he contacts you.

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        6napkinburger November 11, 2011, 4:35 pm

        Because we’re exes, its not the same as just “putting it out there” as a “friend”. Plus, I don’t know what i want. Maybe a friend? Maybe a cuddle friend, maybe a FWB, maybe an undefined, hangout til you figure it out. Or maybe nothing. Can’t figure anything like that out until you actually spend time together in the real world and our chance to do that just kept getting hijacked. Bah, humbug.

        And also, the only way I was “being crazy in my head” was wanting to over-contact; which is something i suffer from in general. I’m not sure if there is a cure for the “in your head part”… some people always want instant reciprocity. But i think the “mature” part comes from learning not to actually do it and learning what an appropriate amount of contact is. But I think there are a lot of people who always want to contact more, but i’m not so sure that its THAT unhealthy as long as you keep it in check.

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      MJ November 11, 2011, 12:42 pm

      I’m in a similar situation with a ex-now-friend. I’ve gotten to the point where I rarely initiate contact. If I do, it’s because I’m having fun and want to tell him something, not because I need validation from his response. Theenthusiasm (from him) followed by a complete drop off was completely crazy-making and really hard to deal with. And lack of response is always so frustrating. So I know where you’re coming from.

      I’d say put this guy out of your head and try to find other ways to keep yourself occupied. Eventually you’ll be able to deal with things as they are without feeling crazy, but only if you MOA.

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      HmC November 11, 2011, 12:49 pm

      When back and forths with someone start making me feel crazy/taken for granted, I shift into “fuck that” mode and occupy myself with other things. Any relationship, however platonic, needs reciprocation in order to be healthy. Both people must feel respected and like they’re not doing all the contributing and communicating.

      Maybe he’s too busy with work to see you, maybe he’s just kind of a flaky person but really wants to see you, maybe he is creeped out by you for whatever reason (legitimate or not). The reason doesn’t really matter, because you can’t force someone to make time for you if they don’t want to. Back off, and if he comes around he comes around. If he doesn’t, then move on to friends who will be more respectful. Why would you want to hang out with someone that doesn’t want to hang out with you?

      Or there’s the alternate route of confronting him, if you’ve got that in you and you feel like it would be worth it. Just tell him he’s being a flake and it’s annoying and if he wants to hang out he better start acting like it.

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        6napkinburger November 11, 2011, 12:55 pm

        I know, I know. It’s just that I wanted him to be my distraction so i stopped thinking about my ex and now he’s being difficult and i need a distraction from him! Not to mention that ive had a really slow couple of weeks at work so i have time to obsess.

        I’m also more than a little pissed, more broadly, at europe/his company. We were very on track to him being a good distraction and then it got waylaid for a month and a half. Boo.

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        Christy November 12, 2011, 4:43 pm

        I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation. I was good friends with a guy who I could see something more with, so I kept putting myself out there to hang out more, whatever. But he was always so busy, it took him forever to respond to my emails/texts. It’s annoying to want something from someone else and for them to be a complete wall. My suggestion is that if someone is making you feel crazy, let them go! Find something else to be a distraction. That guy was a fun person and cool to be around, but the anxiety and stress I felt over his lack of contact (this went on for over a year) was not, in hindsight, worth it.

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        Christy November 12, 2011, 4:46 pm

        P.S. He can probably tell how interested you are in him from your emails, etc. That can turn some people off (even if it’s just a desire to be friends), so there’s another reason to cool it. Let him come to you!

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        HmC November 11, 2011, 12:56 pm

        p.s. Needing reciprocation to be happy in a relationship is what makes you *not* crazy.

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        lets_be_honest November 11, 2011, 1:04 pm

        I agree, but they arent in a relationship. Sounds like friends trying to get together but he’s busy. I’d wait to hear from him at this point so she doesn’t look any more desperate. I don’t see that he’s done anything wrong at all though.

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        6napkinburger November 11, 2011, 1:14 pm

        I basically agree that he hasn’t done anything wrong; which is why i’m trying to avoid looking crazy (though “more” desparate is a little harsh, man, as i would hope i don’t look desperate at all yet) instead of just saying “fuck him”. It would have been nice for him to follow up more extensively, but I’m giving a small benefit of the “just got back from an unexpected month and a half in europe and there are things to do like laundry and sleep and doctor’s and shit, i have to go to the office.”

        I’m trying to make myself feel better that he gchated me immediately on being by a computer in the states. (he landed on wednesday) and went straight to work. But clearly, as we always say, texts and emails don’t take that long and if he wanted to, he would. It’s just that waiting sucks. And the wondering if he’s just busy or if he’s no longer interested.

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        lets_be_honest November 11, 2011, 1:19 pm

        Didn’t mean to be harsh. I’d bet he’s just busy. Like you said, the guy just got back from being out of the states for a long time 2 days ago, and even contacted you then. Looks good to me, try to be a little patient. I wouldn’t scare him off by being too aggressive. I’ll be surprised if you don’t post Monday saying you saw him this weekend.

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        JK November 11, 2011, 1:20 pm

        I know it´s easier said than done, but try to forget about him, fill your w/end with fun stuff to do, and do it.
        That way, if he does get in toucj with you it´s a nice surprise, if he doesn´t, at least you haven´t been waiting by the phone (or computer) for him.

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        HmC November 11, 2011, 1:43 pm

        This is good advice for when you’re obsessing over anything… do something else!

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        JK November 11, 2011, 1:48 pm

        Exactly, idle hands do the devil´s work (or however that saying goes).

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        HmC November 11, 2011, 1:40 pm

        I agree about the waiting, in this situation. But I don’t think platonic relationships have an entirely different set of rules than romantic ones… reciprocation is reciprocation. If a girlfriend continually blows me off, I don’t keep going back incessantly. Anyway I think we’re saying the same thing…

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    Elle November 11, 2011, 12:17 pm

    LW3 – the other woman knows her bf is a cheater. He cheated on you with her. If she doesn’t want to believe it, she’s delusional, and nothing you will say or do will convince her otherwise. Especially coming from you, she will put all the blame on you, the “crazy ex”, not where it deserves, on him. And thinking about it, you are doing the same thing – you blame her, and you want to hurt her, not him.

    As a rational third party (well, hopefully rational), I would just say you should move on, glad that you know what a piece of s**t your ex is. Focus on how much HE hurt you, not her. He’s been leading both of you on. Direct your anger at him, not her. And here’s hoping that your next bf will be better than your ex.

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    • Skyblossom

      SKyblossom November 11, 2011, 2:08 pm

      The other woman won’t want to believe it because she’s on a “he just chose me over her” high and won’t see reality right now. Some women love to stoke their ego by catching a taken man because it proves to themself that they are so much better in every way than the woman he was with. Obviously she is so much hotter, sexier, desirable than the woman he left her for so he obviously wouldn’t cheat on her.

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    • parton_doll

      parton_doll November 11, 2011, 2:18 pm

      Thanks for saying exactly what I was thinking.

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    AKchic November 11, 2011, 12:29 pm

    LW1: What Wendy said.

    LW2: This reeks of stereotype. Oy vey! Either your mother really IS that overbearing, or she’s doing it because you really haven’t gotten the other messages to move your ass out. Grow up and get your own place.

    LW3: In the words of Red Foreman: “You’re a dumbass”. You had incontrovertable proof that your ex was a cheating douchebag and left him. Then, to “prove” to yourself that he still was a cheating fucktard, you offer him sex. Not once, but multiple times? And you videotape it? You give him KINKY sex that you videotape and photograph? What the fuck does this prove? That you are just as fucking terrible, low, vile, and skanky as he is? Honestly, I really hope that you get an STD for your little mindgames. The only one getting played in this is you. Well, and the other girl who probably has no idea that he’s still banging the now/former/once-was/now-is-psycho “ex”.

    You needed no proof that he’d cheat again. You needed no proof that you were still desirable, because he had no desire to break up with you while still sleeping with the other woman (remember, you broke up with him). You are just doing this to be a spiteful bitch and to see what it’s like being the other woman. Do you respect yourself enough to be the ONLY woman? If not, by all means, continue your mindfuck. Make sure to have plenty of antibiotics on hand. I doubt that you and the other girlfriend are the only two he’s sleeping with.

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      lets_be_honest November 11, 2011, 1:07 pm

      Damn AK, lil harsh hoping she gets an STD. Yikes. Not that I didn’t rip into her but…

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        AKchic November 11, 2011, 1:52 pm

        Yes, it’s harsh, but honestly, I’m wondering just what she’s hoping to gain out of this little endeavor of hers. What is she trying to prove? What is her goal? What is the whole point?

        A round of crabs would cure her of this whole BS game she’s playing.

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        lets_be_honest November 11, 2011, 2:24 pm

        Oh my god I love you. A round of crabs would cure a lot of the LWs from their game playing. Haha.

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        AKchic November 11, 2011, 2:42 pm

        Crabs is my favorite STD. It’s sufficiently difficult to get rid of to cure most people of returning to whatever it was they were doing to risk a second round of troubles. It’s not a permanent problem, etc.

        Most people completely forget about crabs as being a problem, or even something to worry about. Everyone’s worried about HPV, herpes, genital warts, etc.
        Crabs are the perfect punishment for cheaters.

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        Greebo November 11, 2011, 6:03 pm

        There is actually a website where you can order crabs. My husband heard about it on the radio and we looked at the site. Honestly, I thought it was pretty awful, petty, vengeful and maybe illegal (don’t know about that). But the site said they’d send “healthy” crabs to the purchaser to use to infect someone with crabs. There were testimonials by people who infected themselves, tricked an ex into one last round and gave him/her crabs.

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        AKchic November 11, 2011, 6:11 pm

        OMG! I had no idea. That is both disturbing and outrageously hillarious (of the obsurd sort) to me. “Healthy” crabs? How does one test the health of crotch lice? Boy is that a resume builder: “Crab Breeder” *laugh* In Alaska, people would actually think it’s a specialty crab (seafood) venture. I wonder if prostitutes in cheaper areas could be considered “Crab Breeders” too… might be a necessary resume boost to help get them out of the profession.

        In some states it’s illegal to have unprotected sex with people without telling them your HIV/AIDS status (if you’re positive). Anything else that’s treatable, but not deadly though – not sure about that. In Alaska, it’s pretty blaise, unless of course the person is underage, and it was contracted during an illegal/illicit encounter. Even then, you can’t charge the adult/perpetrator for giving them the STD, just the actual “sex crimes”. Alaska has a really high rate of STDs. Especially out in the rural areas where they don’t have access to much more than part-time clinics, if that. Some villages don’t have a clinic at all.

        Still giggling and trying to wrap my head around “healthy” crabs.

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    Amy November 11, 2011, 12:35 pm

    So I purposefully have a handful of facebook friends like LW3… people from high school and college that I keep as facebook friends so that when I think “Oh Sweet Hell Amy – get it together” – I can glimpse into their lives and realize that there are people who are actually just huge train wrecks waiting to happen (or currently happening) – they make me feel like a much more functional and rational human being. Good Lord! Get it together woman!

    Is there any chance she just accidentally hit send on the letter instead of delete after reading it and realizing how crazy she sounded?

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      bethany November 11, 2011, 1:35 pm

      I need some FB friends like that. Mine are all boring as shit. Myself included!!

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      AKchic November 11, 2011, 1:55 pm

      *laugh* I know what you mean. My oldest son’s half-brother’s mother is kind of like this (boy, that makes ME sound like this!). Unfortunately, I have to play nice, because of the kids involved. Otherwise, I’d tell her to shut up and get it together.
      My aunt and sisters are also like this, but I’ve blocked my sisters and ignore my aunt.

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      Marie November 11, 2011, 6:25 pm

      “Is there any chance she just accidentally hit send on the letter instead of delete after reading it and realizing how crazy she sounded?”

      I’ve always been taught to read aloud my school papers to myself before turning them in…it’s easier to catch mistakes that way.I think if most of the LWs who send in their letters to this site actually read over their letters,they probably wouldn’t be needing advice.The answer would be clear-cut.

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    oldie November 11, 2011, 2:25 pm

    LW#3 and the other woman are both FWB. No mention in letter that the guy ever said that they were exclusive. Clearly they weren’t. Clearly that wasn’t an issue for the other woman. Equally clear not really an issue for LW#3. How much clearer could it get than him saying he has another woman and will not give up the other woman. So you stay another 4 months. What was that about? Now you’re back! This really seems the classic case of LW#3 assuming a FWB is really a relationship. Given that, I’m not going to jump to the conclusion that the guy is a scumbag. He may just be trying to have a FWB relationship with a woman who can’t handle that, but also can’t say no to him.

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  • parton_doll

    parton_doll November 11, 2011, 2:30 pm

    LW1: It’s so easy to think that you’re in love with your gay best friend because it is incredibly easy to get close to them. And you do get close to them because they’re gay and you don’t put up the same boundaries that you would with a straight male friend. This circumstance can give you a false sense of intimacy with your friend. He was right to cut ties with you (hopefully temporarily) because he isn’t feeding into your attraction. Now, instead of looking for that intimacy that you had with your friend in other men, really try to start looking for the qualities that you value in other men and that may help you get over it.

    As the confidante of numerous gay men with female friends who are in love with them, just remember this … he is not going to ever want to ever fool around with you. He is gay and that won’t change. Your one way streets both travel in the same direction and will never meet.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark November 11, 2011, 3:25 pm

    LW 1) Oh, dear. You are the mirror image of me. I often fall for my straight best friends — and I vehemently disagree that you’re doing so because it’s safe. Frankly, I can’t think of a more crushing way to break your heart. For nothing is worse than being mere soulmates when it’s the body that wants and needs the mating most… I know, I know…sometimes you simply can’t help yourself. With me it’s always about how much they like me and how much they think I’m funny and how much they totally get me. That said — Just. Stop. Now. Hey, cheer up. Look, if it makes you feel any better I so secretly hate you right now because all these hot straight guys keep hitting on you! Go have some fun. And maybe find an UGLY gay guy to be best pals with. 😉

    LW 2) Tired of being treated like a child? Gee, I dunno…ever consider growing up?

    LW 3) You are a cunt. And a decidedly warped and vengeful one at that.

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    Marie November 11, 2011, 4:13 pm

    LW 3: You didn’t proposition your ex because you wanted to help his new “girlfriend”,so it’s a waste of time to try to fool us into thinking you’re some wonderful person trying to “help” this woman.You’re no better than the dick who screwed you both over.So…I’m not sure what the problem is here.

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    the other guy November 14, 2011, 12:09 am

    Agree with the comment that LW3 is a FWB situation than BF. Seriously doubt the ‘BF’ ever thought of it as anything other than FWB. Not like he really respected you or you did anything to earn his respect, stayed with him after he told you he was going to see the other woman.

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