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“I’m in Love with My Married Boss”

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Office romance

Several months ago, I told my boss that I have feelings for him. I made it clear that I didn’t intend on anything happening between us and that my husband (of 20 years) is my best friend and our marriage is a good one. He responded by saying, “Umph…Wow. I don’t know what to say. No one at work has ever told me that before.” He ran his fingers through his hair and rubbed his head as I talked. I told him that I have had these feelings for a few months and that it was very emotional for me.

He had said a few months prior that he couldn’t have sex with his wife while she was pregnant because it felt as though there was someone between them. So I figured that he just didn’t love her enough to get past her belly. Another time he complained that she was sooo emotional and critical at home. That’s when I started feeling bad for him and wanted to make him happy. When he met her, they were quick with everything: moved in with each other after 6 months, married a year later and had a baby during their first year of their marriage. His wife’s biological clock was ticking and she wanted to hurry and have kids. So I had it in my head that he’s just not really in love with her. I was like that with my husband, too, but we grew to love each other and it worked out and they will probably work out fine, too.

So… I tried a few times to distance myself from my boss, but it’s hard because we work so closely together. When I told him my feelings, he told me, “I …I can’t say anything…because of my position here. I hope that you understand.” I’m not sure what he meant by that. Was he trying to say that he feels the same way but can’t because of his position as my boss? Then he kept saying that he was married with a baby, and questioned why I was telling him this. He then said that he understands that married people have crushes on other people and that we are higher animals because we can choose to be with one person. Then he said, “Wow, you really threw the ball in my court, didn’t you?!” Then he smiled.

Four years ago, he was single and I had taken my wedding ring off to get it resized. I joked with another co-worker that I was single. He overheard that and said, “Oh, good! Now I can take you out on a date!” He would, on occasion, brush stuff off my face, and, if someone complimented my work, he would light up. I had the feeling that he liked me a lot.

He still admires my work and expressed to me that he didn’t want me to leave just because of my feelings. He said that I was too valuable. I was flattered but then hurt because he seemed to not feel the same way about me. He seemed to not be bothered at all by what I said to him. He was more interested in my working there than anything else. But I keep thinking of him saying that he couldn’t say anything and that I threw the ball into his court, and I wonder what he meant by that. I needed closure.

I know this is completely wrong, but I just want to know if he has feelings for me as well. I don’t want anything to come of it though, and I don’t expect him to show how he feels. For a few months, I tried to find a job somewhere else but never found anything. So I’m glad that I didn’t do anything stupid to hurt our marriages. I deeply care about my boss and worry about him when he is under stress or sick. I never show it though or talk to anyone about it either. When I mention something fun that my husband and I did, he seems to want to do the same thing and right away texts his wife about it. Today he mentioned to me only that he and his wife are going away for a weekend without the baby. I wonder why he told me that. What do you think about all this? — In Love with the Boss

What I think is that you’ve both been incredibly inappropriate and that you are very lucky you: a) still have a job, and b) neither of your marriages have been ruined by your (mutual) inappropriate behavior at work. You don’t need closure, you need a reality check. This man is your boss. Your married boss. And you have a husband at home you say you love. Get it together, woman.

Honestly, if I were you and I had such a crush on my boss that my obsession went on for months and I was analyzing every little thing he said and couldn’t help but to confess my feelings — again, the level of inappropriateness on that one is off the charts — I would find a new job or ask to be moved to a different department or office within the company. You say you looked for a job for a few months. Well, why did you stop? I say keep looking. Keep looking until you find something. Because if your obsession continues, you’ll find yourself without a job and very likely without your husband. Your professional — and personal —reputation could be ruined. I say this not because you have a simple crush, which is normal, but because you don’t seem to understand or respect boundaries and it’s only a matter of time before such a lack of understanding is going to wreak utter havoc.

Also: therapy.

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{ 151 comments… add one }

avatar Lily in NYC November 18, 2013, 9:09 am

Whoa, OP. You need to back off right now. Your boss doesn’t love you, and you have made him very uncomfortable. This is not 7th grade when it’s ok to analyze every stupid look and comment he makes for signs that he likes you back. This is a man with a wife and child and you have no right to interfere like this. Who cares if he flirted with you? Who cares if he might have had a tiny crush back? And you are being ridiculous with making excuses about why you are so much better for him than his wife – it’s like you are trying to give him an out so he can get divorced and be with you. IT DOESN’t MATTER! He doesn’t want you and you need to quit that job and stick with men who are available. I’m ok with open relationships in my own life- so for me to write that you are out of line means you are out of line. Oh, the reason he told ONLY YOU that he is going out of town with his family is because he is trying to get you to understand that his choice is them, not you.

avatar SpaceySteph November 18, 2013, 10:27 am

He should report her to HR. Sexual harassment goes both ways. If the boss had written in to tell us this story, I would hands down tell him to report her.

ETA: LW, you are absolutely being a creep right now. Take a good, long look in the mirror, and then get right back to job searching. You need to be a grownup and take yourself out of this situation since you obviously cannot behave while in it.

avatar iseeshiny November 18, 2013, 10:40 am

My thoughts exactly. A total creep and she needs to knock it off right now, because she is totally sexually harassing the crap out of this poor guy. My creeper alerts started going off with flashing red lights and everything.

Seriously, LW. Think if some guy you had no feelings for and were working with were behaving this way towards you. Grosssssssss.

avatar mmcg November 18, 2013, 12:13 pm

This. For fucks sake LW I’m sailing past inappropriate and going directly to what the fuck is wrong with you? Stop your lame analyzing, stop your BS rationalizations about him not loving his pregnant wife… just stop it. You’re a “happily” married woman who is actively pursuing someone who has a child on the way. You are the kind of woman who practically deserves being on that homewrecker website. Get yourself to counseling and STOP ACTING LIKE A PATHETIC 12 YEAR OLD… that’s right you’re not even a functioning preteen. You suck.

avatar Taylor November 18, 2013, 1:54 pm

What does OP stand for?
Wendy, this would have been a good one for the bunny boiler picture =)

avatar mmcg November 18, 2013, 2:47 pm

Op = original poster

avatar Taylor November 18, 2013, 3:05 pm

Thanks!

avatar Christy November 18, 2013, 9:13 am

LW, you’re literally not even asking for advice here, just confessing to Wendy.

honeybeenicki honeybeenicki November 18, 2013, 11:07 am

Maybe Wendy should do “Anonymous Confessions Monday”

avatar lemongrass November 18, 2013, 11:43 am

Omg yes.

avatar Boosker November 18, 2013, 1:29 pm

I would read the hell out of that column. Pleeeease, Wendy???

avatar kerrycontrary November 18, 2013, 9:15 am

WTF!!! Where is your husband in all of this? Why aren’t you analyzing what it means to be in love with another man when you are currently married? There’s something wrong with you and your marriage if you think its OK to a) be in love with someone else while married and b) express those feelings. Your boss reacted exactly as I would’ve reacted. I would’ve said “I don’t know what to say and for legal reasons I can’t really say anything”. He probably thought you were trying to trap him in a sexual harassment suit or something.

And you say you don’t want to leave your husband or for him to leave his wife, so what, you just admitted your feelings and hoped he said he loved you too and then you could both go on working like things were exactly the same? I think you’re having a mid-life crisis and you’ve seriously boarded the crazy train. A man flirting with you and complaining about his wife (which is inappropriate, but besides the point) does NOT mean he has feelings for you at all and it definitely doesn’t mean he’s in love with you. You’re grasping at straws here and you’ve just made everyone involved feel awkward.

avatar SasLinna November 18, 2013, 9:21 am

WWS. Not trying to be mean, but I really have to disagree with your statement that you didn’t do anything stupid. Yes, you did something very, very stupid – confessing to your BOSS that you love him. You could easily have lost your job and your husband over this. I seriously can’t believe this. What do you do now? You just stop. So far there haven’t been any serious consequences for you, so stop this and count your blessings that you’ve been so very lucky.

avatar bethany November 18, 2013, 9:28 am

What is with the grown women acting like children lately?? The LW says she’s been married for 20 years, so I have to assume she’s at least 38 at the minimum, yet it sounds like this letter was written by a 15 year old, talking about a guy in her class.

LW- Get a grip. If you want to stay married, you need to shut this crush down in your mind iand quit fucking thinking about it. And you sure as shit need to stop talking to your boss about it and hyper-analyzing every little thing that happens. This guy is your boss, he’s married and he’s got a kid. Back off.

avatar SasLinna November 18, 2013, 9:31 am

There are people who stay this immature for their whole life. It’s a sad fact.

avatar lets_be_honest November 18, 2013, 9:49 am

What’s crazy is that its still shocking to me sometimes!

katie katie November 18, 2013, 10:40 am

Honestly, I think a good amount of people who married young have a … Inexperienced, or immature, worldview about dating and relationships, just because they have only their own expirences to draw from.

Not all, of course, but I feel like this happens pretty often.

avatar Joanna November 18, 2013, 11:48 am

I definitely think you’re on to something.

avatar Boosker November 18, 2013, 1:31 pm

Yeah, I’ve kind of seen this with my parents. My mom was only 18 and a month out of high school when they got married. In some ways, I’m “older” than her just because she missed out on some major life stuff that usually happens between high school and marriage (like running around with the wrong boys, going to college, living on your own, working a real job, etc.)

avatar Steeze November 18, 2013, 9:29 am

LW, I’m not going to sugar coat it. You’re selfish. This man is married and has a new family. You have a husband. You are lying when you say you love your husband. If you did, you wouldn’t even have thought to confess these feelings to your boss. And as for your boss, I feel so bad for his wife and child. That is not the behavior of a married man and father. Disgusting. Their issues whatever they are, he should be trying to work out with his wife… Honestly, they sound like normal married people problems.

I don’t even know if it’s worth it giving you advice but here it goes. Leave you husband because he deserves better than a wife that lusts after another man and respect other people’s marriages enough to not insert yourself in between them. New babies test relationships and are an adjustment as it is. You throwing yourself at this man is even worse. I wish I could say something to your boss as well because this guy is just a piece of work too. Blergh to all of you.

Heather Heather November 18, 2013, 9:30 am

LW, I’m not really sure why you’re so nonchalant about this. You confessed your feelings for your married boss, who has a pregnant wife. You are married yourself. You talk about how much you “love” your husband but come on. You’re not 14 years old. This isn’t some middle school crush.

I don’t really think he feels for you. You clearly made him uncomfortable and, to be honest, if I were him I would go to HR. What kind of position is that to put someone in? You say that you don’t want “anything to come of it”. If that were really true, you would have kept your mouth shut. You do want something to happen, otherwise you never would have confessed your feelings. Stay away from this man. Try to transfer to another department. Do something, anything, if you really care about YOUR marriage. Not to mention, if you really cared about him, you wouldn’t act the way you’re acting. People who really care about another person don’t put them in the position that you did to him. At least admit that your actions are pretty darn selfish. Admit that to yourself, and work on your own marriage, and stay out of someone else’s.

*I wanted to edit to say that I don’t believe the boss is completely in the clear here either. His previous actions are also mildly inappropriate. But, since he isn’t the one who wrote in, it’s hard to tell what is going through his head. Either way, he doesn’t SEEM to be reciprocating LW’s advances too much. Hopefully it stays that way.

avatar Boosker November 18, 2013, 1:32 pm

Yeah, if my boss (was a male and) was brushing food off my face, I’d flip out.

avatar ChemE November 18, 2013, 9:31 am

The line about not wanting it to go anywhere but you spill your guts and hope he will is bullshit. You want him to tell him he likes you back so you can do whatever it is you think you want to do.
If you didn’t want anything to come of it, why tell? Why are you pushing something he obviously doesn’t want?

This whole thing pisses me off. YOU ARE MARRIED!

avatar csp November 18, 2013, 9:51 am

You are right. Of course she wants something to happen. Why would you confess these feelings otherwise?

avatar SpaceySteph November 18, 2013, 10:34 am

So freaking true. If you don’t want anything to come of it and love your husband, you wouldnt confess your feelings. You would not create these fantasies of “being single” while your ring was off (oh I’m so sure your boss just *happened* to be in earshot for that conversation and it was a total accident) or deciding that the reason he can’t have sex with his pregnant wife (which he’s out of line for even mentioning it, but this is about you) is not a medical thing or a physical pain for her thing but that he just doesn’t love her and thinks she’s unattractive.

And you would certainly not be obsessing over every little thing he said to you like a teenage drama queen. Grow up!

avatar Kay November 18, 2013, 9:31 am

Whoa…WHY would you feel like you needed to tell your BOSS that you have feelings for him? That crosses so many lines. It wouldn’t matter if he was single or not, you do NOT tell your boss something like that. And to add that you have feelings for him, but you don’t want to screw up your marriage…where is your head right now? You’re acting like a child, to be honest.
WWS definitely, especially the last statement. Get therapy. Get therapy now.

avatar Christy November 18, 2013, 9:51 am

This was the weirdest thing for me. Like, in what world do you tell your boss you have feelings for him? How do you think that’s ok? How have you not looked harder for another job?

muchachaenlaventana muchachaenlaventana November 18, 2013, 10:36 am

yeah my thoughts EXACTLY. LW- great you have a crush but you are married, he is married with a kid on the way and from what she has described imo has not really shown ANY interest in you besides maybe some casual run of the mill flirting or venting Wasn’t that like the most awkward and uncomfortable conversation or confession? Especially since he didn’t even respond in a reciprocal way. I mean the letter should be about how you made a huge mistake and don’t know how you can return to work after inappropriately confessing your love to your married boss. Honestly tough love it does not sound like he is into you at all and as you have wisely mentioned even if he were you are married and he is so nothing can come of it. I think if you put even 1/4 of the effort into your marriage you have into this obsession with your boss, your boss would soon be irrelevant and your marriage would be thriving.

Cleopatra_30 Cleopatra_30 November 18, 2013, 9:37 am

“I made it clear that I didn’t intend on anything happening between us and that my husband (of 20 years) is my best friend and our marriage is a good one. ” You say you are not planning on acting on your “feelings” yet throughout the whole letter you keep fishing for excuses and reasons to go after your boss. “Today he mentioned to me only that he and his wife are going away for a weekend without the baby. I wonder why he told me that.” Because he is sharing something he would with any other employee that he has relatively good standing with. Take it and leave it.

I think the biggest clue for you that he is not interested was him saying “Then he kept saying that he was married with a baby, and questioned why I was telling him this. He then said that he understands that married people have crushes on other people and that we are higher animals because we can choose to be with one person.” Clear as day! He has chosen his wife AND baby, and you chose your husband. Leave it at that. You are both taken, he has not given anything to suggest he is interested in you. You only think he has because you are reading into what he says WAY too much. Also is there maybe a slight possibility that even after telling him your feelings and him not feeding into them, that this continued reaction has something to do with YOUR marriage. If you are os happy with your husband why do you continue to obsess over every little tid bit that you boss tells you. I think you need to look at your marriage and see if you are truly happy, is your husband giving you the attention, gratification you need?

rainbow rainbow November 18, 2013, 10:11 am

“Today he mentioned to me only that he and his wife are going away for a weekend without the baby. I wonder why he told me that.” Because he is sharing something he would with any other employee that he has relatively good standing with.

It sounded more to me like he’s regretting ever talking to the LW about his marital problems and wants to give her a clear message that he’s working on them and committed to making it work with his wife. Something like “oh and remember when I said my wife and I weren’t having sex? We’re totally having all we can now. This weekend! ALLL DAY LONG, NO BABIES AROUND.”
Which is good. Not good enough, since he should have kept his mouth shut about his sex life around his employees from the beginning. But good.

avatar iseeshiny November 18, 2013, 10:46 am

I literally lol’d.

WE ARE HAVING SO MUCH SEX NOW.

Cleopatra_30 Cleopatra_30 November 18, 2013, 10:50 am

Very true! haha i think this letter could be her way of expressing her anger that she isn’t doing a romantic weekend away with her hubby :P

avatar csp November 18, 2013, 4:31 pm

I have been mulling over this all day and I keep coming back to why she told him about her feelings. I think you nailed in on the head. She is clearly not happy in her marriage and it is time to deal with that issue on its own. Not throw yourself at a dream that is so clearly not going to happen.

avatar lets_be_honest November 18, 2013, 9:43 am

Can’t get past the first paragraph. Jesus. I wish he fired you. Grow up.

avatar EricaSwagger November 18, 2013, 9:44 am

It’s really selfish to tell someone you have feelings for them if there’s literally no point. What good did it do?
Oh, none. Exactly.

avatar lets_be_honest November 18, 2013, 9:52 am

Even if neither were married, I’d still think this was a f’d up situation. Some people really don’t care about their jobs or even seeming professional I guess.

avatar SpaceySteph November 18, 2013, 1:13 pm

Right? Like when would it ever be appropriate for you to tell your boss you have a crush on him? And when would it ever be appropriate for him to take you up on that offer and date you while still being your supervisor?

Only on the set of Desperate Housewives. Tremendously inappropriate behavior on her part for any employee, married or not.

Addie Pray Addie Pray November 18, 2013, 9:44 am

Oh wow this was making me cringe! LW, what Wendy said again and again. You most definitely need out of there, a new job far away, where you can start fresh and NOT repeat any of that inappropriateness.

Addie Pray Addie Pray November 18, 2013, 10:44 am

LW! Hey listen to me – there’s some really happy news in the sea of criticism you’re receiving here. And that is, you now know with complete clarity just how inappropriate all of this is. And that is great, you want to know why? Because now you can fix it. You can get a new job – or move to a new department or whatever is available – to distance yourself from your boss and start over! That’s great news. It’s like going to a new school, where you get to start over and reinvent yourself to be the person you want to be, starting now, and no one needs to know about the horrid boss incident that, thankfully, did not result in disaster and that need not define you. You’re not a bad person, you just made a bad decision. So move on and do not repeat! I think that’s great news and I’m happy for you that (a) the situation is so black and white and (b) it can only get better. …. I mean, it would be worse if, say, you were in a real pickle and we all were disagreeing, right? Because then it would be more confusing and hard to see what would be the best course of action for you. But here? Easy! It’s kind of like you’re starving and you’re at a restaurant but there’s only one option – a prix fixe. As opposed to being at a buffet where you can only get ONE PLATE FULL – that would be bad – what with so many options and what if you get too much of the food you don’t like and then not enough of the food you end up liking? But you can’t go back and get another plate – that’s like a living nightmare!! Except that would be amazing right now for me because I am so hungry.

avatar Laura Hope November 18, 2013, 9:45 am

Wendy’s response was perfect. And may I add that if you put the energy that you’re putting into your boss into your marriage, you could revitalize it. Maybe you and your husband could benefit from a weekend away too.

avatar iseeshiny November 18, 2013, 12:53 pm

Only not to the same place your boss went.

Stonegypsy Stonegypsy November 18, 2013, 9:49 am

You know, I totally understand *having* an inappropriate crush. But telling your boss, who is married and has a baby, that you have feelings for him is just not okay. I think you’re confused about your own marriage, and instead of dealing with the problems there, you are putting that energy into obsessing over another, unavailable man, because it’s easier than facing the reality of your own problems.
I think therapy is a good answer, but also couples counseling (for you and your husband). Forget about your boss, for everyone’s sake.

kare kare November 18, 2013, 9:51 am

I’m sorry but I can’t even try to sympathize.

” He had said a few months prior that he couldn’t have sex with his wife while she was pregnant because it felt as though there was someone between them. So I figured that he just didn’t love her enough to get past her belly.”

Are you fucking kidding me? So he must not love his wife and had secretly been in love with you for four years?

Find another job or move to a different department because clearly your judgment is clouded around this man.

avatar FossilChick November 18, 2013, 10:36 am

I second the suggestion to find another job ASAP. The LW is, frankly, lucky that her actions haven’t yet had professional consequences, so she needs to exit this job while she still has a hope of being able to use anyone at that office as a reference in the future. And I say “anyone” because if the office is so small that she can’t ever avoid her boss-love, there’s no doubt in my mind that the other employees know what fresh hell is going on here.

Cleopatra_30 Cleopatra_30 November 18, 2013, 10:48 am

haha i think that was my lol moment of the whole letter, just cause he didn’t have sex with her while she was pregnant does not mean he doesn’t love her. Geez way to read way too far between the lines. I think most guys are kind of funny about having sex during pregnancy cause of all the silly myths behind it.

avatar rachel November 18, 2013, 10:11 am

Um..yeah…WEES. LW, you sound completely delusional about this whole thing. What makes you think that it was AT ALL okay to confess your feelings to your boss? It doesn’t matter what he feels about you (it sounds like maybe he had fun flirting with you BEFORE he was married, but has chosen to remain faithful to his wife). He is your boss. There is no world where you two can run off together and live happily ever after. I’m with Wendy, go to therapy and figure out how to fix the marriage you already have.

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson November 18, 2013, 10:11 am

Reading this made my stomach turn. You’re a shitty person. He has a wife, and a family with her. Back the fuck off.

avatar starpattern November 18, 2013, 10:11 am

Urgh, gross. LW, come on! Quit making a fool of yourself and do WWS.

I really hate it when people share super personal details and/or talk crap about their marriage at work. I feel so sorry for the guy’s wife, if he’s blabbering to all his employees about how emotional and critical she is and telling them about their intimate life. And I can only assume the LW has been doing the same.

Good grief.

rainbow rainbow November 18, 2013, 10:20 am

Unreliable narrator. I’m considering the possibility that he said none of that and the LW heard that because she wanted to.

rainbow rainbow November 18, 2013, 10:24 am

Maybe he mentioned in passing and in an abstract way that having sex with someone who is pregnant is uncomfortable because there’s like a huge belly in the middle of things (doh) and LW put her fine, fine deductive skills to work and decided it meant he didn’t have sex with his wife because he was secretly in love with her.

avatar starpattern November 18, 2013, 10:31 am

Oh, good point, that’s also possible. I guess those parts were easy for me to believe since I’ve had jobs where comments like those – and sometimes worse – were made allll the time (it’s one reason I really love my current job – we’re friendly and talk about our lives outside work, but nobody’s badmouthing their spouse).

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson November 18, 2013, 10:36 am

I completely agree.

rainbow rainbow November 18, 2013, 10:18 am

“HEY WENDY! I told a man inappropriately that I love him and he said what I did is inappropriate and he doesn’t love me back, and now every time I talk to him he texts his wife to ask her out and tells me about it. Do you think he’s in love with me?”

Fabelle Fabelle November 18, 2013, 10:18 am

Holy fuck. Okay first, I will just interpret your whole mess for you, since it seems like that’s what you want.

It SOUNDS LIKE… your boss is uncomfortable with your confession? ~Maybe~, maybe, maybe he had a harmless crush on you, but—judging by his statement of “married people have crushes on other people… we are higher animals because we can choose to be with one person”—he understands that ADULTS who are in committed, monogamous relationships shouldn’t *act* on crush-y feelings. You obviously didn’t get this memo, & even though you claim you don’t! want! anything! to! happen! between you two (::cough cough:: BULLSHIT ::cough cough::), you still ACTED by TELLING HIM YOUR FUCKING FEELINGS (sorry, this letter is making me feel shout-y)

That’s highly inappropriate. What did you hope to gain? You seriously just wanted him to, what, tell you he reciprocates, & then you can both just openly yearn for each other? Ick. Blech. No. You’re behaving like, you’re *thinking* like… a wacko. Like Wendy said, GET IT TOGETHER.

This guy has a wife, & a baby, & everything you believe about their marriage, & their love for each other, is just hopeful speculation in order to tilt the odds in your favor. It’s not reality. Leave this job (seriously, keep searching!!), & return to your marriage. Hopefully you’ll look back on this, & realize how foolish you’ve been?

avatar lets_be_honest November 18, 2013, 11:34 am

LOL “you obviously didn’t get this memo.”

avatar sarolabelle November 18, 2013, 10:19 am

About time we got an insane letter. I was beginning to think we all had found our marbles….obviously some of us still lost them.

avatar Bossy Italian Wife November 18, 2013, 10:25 am

LW, if I were you I would back off! Put some of this passion where it belongs–in your own marriage! This guy has a wife, and a baby, and you continuing this delusion when he has clearly sent you the message that he’s not interested is selfish and detrimental.

The reason he told you he and his wife are going away without the baby? BECAUSE HE WANTS YOU TO KNOW THAT HE IS SCREWING HIS WIFE! MOA, honey.

honeybeenicki honeybeenicki November 18, 2013, 10:27 am

WTF? It took me multiple tries to read this letter. And I still can’t quite wrap my head around it. So here are some basic points of advice for you…
- Knock that shit off. It is totally inappropriate to approach your boss with these “feelings”
- You are not in love with him. You’re infatuated. And you appear to be making him uncomfortable.
- Quit villainizing his wife. And quit thinking about/talking about/concerning yourself with his marital and/or sex life problems or the lack of them.
- Get another job ASAP. And at the next one, keep your shit more professional. This is not ok at all. I mean, I don’t think people should have to have big sticks up there butt and never have fun at work. We get inappropriate in our office sometimes, but not to this level. This crosses so many lines I don’t even know where to go with it.

avatar lets_be_honest November 18, 2013, 11:36 am

Yuck, imagine some woman talking about YOUR sex life with your husband like she’s a part of it?

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson November 18, 2013, 11:43 am

I see two sides of this. It wouldn’t be weird for me to talk about sex stuff with my boss. Because he’s inappropriate. But it’s not weird because lines have never been crossed – so it’s in that safe place of joking if that makes sense. I am so thankful that I’ve never had sexual tension at work. Especially if, like this boss, it’s against your will. But on the other hand once someone makes a (fucking awkward) confession like that – any joking or sex discussions do have to stop.

So that was a jumble but overall I don’t think it’s per se inappropriate to talk about sex stuff at work (either that or I’ve always just worked with inappropriate people) but it IS inappropriate once someone makes it weird. So congrats LW, you ruined it for the office. Now no one can talk about blow jobs and opposing counsels needing to get laid or other really funny things.

honeybeenicki honeybeenicki November 18, 2013, 11:55 am

I agree it’s not necessarily inappropriate to talk about sex (we do it at our office, up to and including my boss asking questions about artificial insemination), but I think the LW is crossing all kinds of lines and making people uncomfortable.

avatar lets_be_honest November 18, 2013, 12:08 pm

I agree.

Kate B. Kate B. November 18, 2013, 10:27 pm

This reminds me of something that happened to an attorney in my office. He called up opposing counsel to talk about the case. (For the record, let it be noted that this particular opposing counsel has the reputation of being horribly inappropriate.) He says, “Hey, C__, how’s it going?” C____ replied that he was basically jerking off. My attorney was mortified. When he told me ths story, he heavily sanitized it with all kinds of metaphors, but I knew what he was talking about.

Jennylou Jennifer November 18, 2013, 10:28 am

WWS.

Also, the letter begins with “Several months ago, I told my boss that I have feelings for him.”

It’s been several months, and he hasn’t reciprocated the feelings or made any kind of romantic move. He said that the ball was in his court – and several months later, he hasn’t tossed it back. It’s clear as day. He’s not interested and is simply trying to maintain a normal, cordial working relationship.

Stonegypsy and Laura Hope are right on – this is about the LW’s marriage.

Kate B. Kate B. November 18, 2013, 10:35 am

I think you should quit this job or move to another department before this thing blows up in your face. You have acted inappropriately. Your boss could go to HR if you continue to act inappropriately. Guess who’d lose in that scenario? You. You’re the one they’d fire, not him. Do you want that to happen? Do you want to go home and tell your husband why you lost your job? Or do you plan to lie to him about it? Get your shit together. Just because you have a crush on someone doesn’t mean you have to tell them. Your job and your reputation is at stake. You are a grown, married woman. Start acting like it.

Lyra Lyra November 18, 2013, 10:49 am

It amazes me that you don’t even realize how inappropriate this is. You need to learn how to draw boundaries. Not to mention this is NOT “love”. This is lust, plain and simple. What benefit would him telling you his “true” feelings really do for you? Absolutely nothing. Do you REALLY think he will confess feelings for you and everything will go back to normal in your job?

If you have even an ounce of respect for your husband, you will distance yourself from your boss, find a new job, and recommit to your marriage. Your husband deserves better and I can’t believe you would want to risk a 20 year commitment on some lust for your unavailable boss.

avatar Essie November 18, 2013, 10:51 am

Hm. When I first read this, I thought the OP was saying she was 20. Which sounded about right to me, given the wildly immature behavior. Then I read it again, and saw that she’s been married for 20 years.

I’m going to be blunt, because there’s just no way to sugarcoat this. Your boss reacted the way he did when you told him your feelings because he was shocked and embarrassed, not because he has the same feelings. He said he can’t comment because you put him in a terrible position, this is an HR minefield for him. He will never, ever discuss this with you or tell you he doesn’t share your feelings, because he can’t, not without getting himself into an even more complicated situation.

He’s telling you about the things he’s doing with his family because he’s trying to make it clear to you that he wants his wife, not you.

You’re seeing things that aren’t there. If I were you, I would find another job, ASAP. You’ve embarrassed yourself beyond any hope of recovery at this one. God, I could never face the man again after making such a fool of myself.

And yes, WWS about the therapy. Please, go talk this out with someone who can help you understand why this was such completely inappropriate behavior.

TaraMonster TaraMonster November 18, 2013, 10:53 am

Small point of contention. I did read this really quickly, so I may have missed something more explicit, but I wasn’t seeing how the boss was being inappropriate. From what I surmised, LW is total whack job who made him massively uncomfortable. Every instance where it sounds like he may have crossed the line, like sharing info about his feelings toward his wife’s pregnancy, sounds like he did before LW was all I LOVE YOU. LET ME BE THE WOMAN YOUR PREGNANT WIFE ISNT!! Again, this is just how I read it, but he may have seen LW as a good friend and colleague and was unaware of her feelings, and once he was made aware, he stopped talking to her about super personal stuff. She’s reading into the most asinine and crazy shit, which the boss can’t control. LW is dangerously close to bunny boiler territory, IMO.

Fabelle Fabelle November 18, 2013, 10:59 am

I agree, I don’t think the boss had been inappropriate at all— I mean, arguably, talking about his marriage/sex life is boundary crossing for the workplace, but like rainbow said above: unreliable narrator? Or, like ~you’re~ saying, maybe he spoke of these things in context of his friendship with LW, before she danced off into CrazyTown?

But I wouldn’t label him as being inappropriate, because right now he’s *not* acting the way an “inappropriate” person would act? He’s acting like… an uncomfortable person. A very ~uncomfortable~ person who feels trapped by this LW’s pressing feelings.

avatar thatgirl November 18, 2013, 11:05 am

I have this same impression of the boss. Hugely uncomfortable. He “doesn’t know what to say” because he doesn’t want to make the situation worse! And he “doesn’t want her to quit” for fear of a potential harassment lawsuit after he rejected her advances!

Fabelle Fabelle November 18, 2013, 11:38 am

Yeah, I bet he really is afraid of that (sexual harassment lawsuit)—LW, if you “care deeply” for your boss, like you say, thennnn the best thing for him would be your departure from whatever company this clusterfuck is going down at? (Maybe if I say “Get another job, FOR HIM!” it’ll click…?)

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson November 18, 2013, 11:54 am

Also, the expression “care deeply” creeps me out. So it’s fitting that this LW would use it. What does that even mean. I deeply care for you. It sounds like the beginning of an 80′s porn. Let me stick my care all deep up in you.

avatar mmcg November 18, 2013, 12:23 pm

I’ve got a great big caring stick for you right here ;-)

rainbow rainbow November 18, 2013, 3:49 pm

I’ll care you so deeply you’ll be sick and I’ll feel the stress.

Lyra Lyra November 18, 2013, 11:11 am

I definitely agree that talking about marriage and sex between a boss/employee can be seen as inappropriate. I mean, I’ve talked to my boss (who is a single, 42 year old guy) about my personal life before. He once asked me how my weekend went and I told him about one of my really really crappy dates back in October. But there’s still a boundary there. I still can’t believe how this woman has no clue as to how inappropriate this whole thing is.

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson November 18, 2013, 11:14 am

Right? I mean I feel like it’s weird not to talk about your spouse at all at work. I’m sure he mentioned these things in passing and the LW took it to the nth degree of like “oh he mentioned that his wife is pregnant, I bet that means they don’t have sex, and I bet he’s telling me this so that he sees if I want to have sex, well that’s sweet of him, I’ll just go ahead and let him know that I would never NOT have sex with him. There, problem solved”

avatar sarolabelle November 18, 2013, 11:14 am

No one really should talk about their sex life at work. WHY would he even tell her he isn’t getting any from his wife? He is being equally as inappropriate. I would be livid if my husband talked about our sex life to a female coworker.

bagge72 bagge72 November 18, 2013, 12:05 pm

Yeah I would be really creeped out if my boss started doing that with me. There are plenty of other things he can talk about with out going there.

avatar starpattern November 19, 2013, 1:09 am

Yeah, this. I don’t get how that could NOT be weird. I would immediately and violently throw up all over my boss if he ever said something like that to me.

avatar thatgirl November 18, 2013, 11:03 am

Wow. As you are job hunting, please stay away from any job where married men work. You obviously have no clue how to appropriately interact with someone who is clearly rejecting you and your advances. You have officially entered that category of women not to be trusted around my husband.

Addie Pray Addie Pray November 18, 2013, 11:06 am

If you can’t trust a woman like her around your husband, then what you’re really saying is you can’t trust your husband. Whether the boss cheats or not has nothing to do with this LW, you know?

honeybeenicki honeybeenicki November 18, 2013, 11:12 am

Definitely agree with you. I trust my husband around any women, including ones like this. Because I know if they made a pass at him, he would either a) not notice or b) not follow through with any offers she makes. And if this boss was my husband, I could definitely see him coming home and telling me about the whack job he works with.

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson November 18, 2013, 11:31 am

I definitely agree with you – but there is something extra gross about what this LW is doing. Not only did she confess her undying love – but he’s made it very clear that he’s not into it – and she keeps pushing and over analyzing any little thing he does. She’s gross. I’m embarrassed that women like her exist. This isn’t a case of “oh he was shamelessly flirting with me and I had NO IDEA he was married”. This is a case of “well I know he’s married, he’s turned me down several times – but maybe I can convince him to leave his wife for me!” Gross.

Addie Pray Addie Pray November 18, 2013, 11:53 am

Well yes she’s crossed a line – what does Joey say on Friends? “You’re so far past the line, the line is a dot to you!” LW, the line is a dot to you!

But that has nothing to do with the “can you trust her around your husband” issue. Sure, you can’t trust her to behave if her past behavior is any indication. But if you trust your husband, you should trust him even if an inappropriate woman comes his way. Inappropriate women don’t cause men to cheat.

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson November 18, 2013, 11:56 am

Yeah I guess this LW is so gross I blurred those two issues. But you’re right, you can either trust your husband or you can’t. And she’s really gross. Two separate issues. And her being extra extra gross doesn’t change that. But gross.

Addie Pray Addie Pray November 18, 2013, 11:58 am

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, IWANNA! I can tell you’re older because you’re so much wiser today in your comments. Also because you look older, what with all the wrinkles and gray and saggy sagginess going on….

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson November 18, 2013, 12:00 pm

Funny you should say that, last year on my birthday I promised myself I would buy myself botox for this birthday to get rid of this dumb forehead wrinkle I have. But then this year came around and I thought of a bunch of other stuff I wanted to buy myself. (everyone buys themselves birthday presents right?) And thanks! I really think 26 is gonna be my jam. I’m psyched for this year.

avatar bethany November 18, 2013, 12:05 pm

I was planning on getting Botox for my 30th for the exact same wrinkle! I didn’t do it though, because apparently you can only buy the botox in vials of 20 or so, but I really only needed like 3, and didn’t want to pay for botox I wasn’t going to use. They may have changed that though, cause I looked into it a few years ago.

avatar Boosker November 18, 2013, 1:36 pm

Were you going to do it yourself? Is this why people have Botox parties?

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson November 18, 2013, 1:59 pm

Normally you have a party because like Bethany said, most people won’t use 20 vials, and it is sold in larger increments. So if you get a few friends together to split 20 vials you can all get some. And you would never want to administer it yourself, a doctor would do it.

avatar bethany November 18, 2013, 2:05 pm

No, I was going to get it done at a MedSpa.

Addie Pray Addie Pray November 18, 2013, 2:52 pm

Did i tell you about my ex boyfriend whose dad was a ENT doc? He had lots of access to botox. And the boyfriend had a twitch in his eye so his dad zapped it…. He came back to school and it was really funny because one eye (the botox’d one) was so big – when he smiled or laughed, it didn’t squint like the other one. He looked so lopsided that he had to go back and have his dad zap the other eye. Hahaha.

avatar thatgirl November 18, 2013, 2:46 pm

I get what you are saying, and maybe I said it wrong…but not wanting a woman who openly invites my husband to have an affair with her, often, no matter how many times/ways he says “no” is not wrong to me.

avatar SpaceySteph November 18, 2013, 3:55 pm

Yeah I’m with you on this. I do trust my husband. But that doesn’t mean I would be happy about him hanging out with a woman like this. If he cheats its totally on him, but she is disrespectful to our marriage for saying these things and I want to keep people who would disrespect my family, away from my family.

Its like the thing about diets, you know? Its my fault if I’m fat, I decide what I eat, but its also kind of stupid if I keep hanging out at cupcake shops to test my resolve.

Addie Pray Addie Pray November 18, 2013, 4:34 pm

I was just thinking of that same analogy! And I get it; I get why you wouldn’t want women like this around your husbands, or donuts around your husband, ha. But I dunno, I just feel like if he is going to be even remotely tempted to cheat, that would happen eventually, whether this woman shows up or not. But, no, I get what you and thatgirl are saying. And I’m sure I would feel the same if I knew there was a flirty woman near my husband. ESPECIALLY if that flirty woman is PANT-LESS WINO RAMONA! Even the most loyal husband may have a hard time resisting her. Hell, I couldn’t resist her.

katie katie November 18, 2013, 4:41 pm

OH GOD AP THERE WAS A PUPPY NAMED RAMONA AT THE SHELTER YESTERDAY.

she was so cute. and they dont know what she is, but she has these huge paws and so they say that she will get pretty big. so cute.

avatar spaceysteph November 18, 2013, 9:06 pm

The analogy only goes so far because I WANT to eat all the cupcakes, even though I know I shouldn’t. Presumably my husband doesn’t WANT to cheat, and if he did it would be only a matter of time.

I generally believe though that most people don’t set out to cheat. They don’t go “hmm, I want to cheat on my wife today. Marital infidelity sounds like a good weekend plan.” So it’s just stupid to hang around in situations where that’s even on the table, just in case.

That said, if it were a guy who was always talking bad about me and my marriage, rather than a flirty woman, I still wouldn’t want my husband to hang out with him, because that’s disrespectful and I wouldn’t want him in our lives.

Red_Lady Red_Lady November 19, 2013, 12:28 am

Yeah, I don’t think the analogy works either. Cupcakes are delicious and make me happy. Cheating on my spouse is disgusting and would make me feel guilty. Maybe if we were talking about some gross food, like brussel sprouts? I mean, if they kept being served at dinner, over and over, maybe eventually I’d give in and eat them….but probably not. Besides, a cupcake’s effect on your diet is nowhere near as big a deal as cheating is to your marriage. You can always go on a run to burn off the calories. You can’t really do anything to undo cheating on your spouse.

GatorGirl GatorGirl November 18, 2013, 8:39 pm

Yes, exactly what you both said. The onus is on him if there was infidelity, but I don’t want my husband around anyone who so badly disrespects our marriage (male or female).

avatar feelingroovy November 18, 2013, 11:13 am

I… JUST… CAN’T.

There are so many inappropriate things going on with this relationship. Look for a new job. WHY on EARTH would anyone think it’s appropriate to have that conversation with their BOSS? Especially with no intention of actually pursuing him? What was it meant to achieve? It’s incredibly disrespectful to both of your marriages and disrespectful to his position of authority. Oh my gosh. Just… new job. Please.

landygirl landygirl November 18, 2013, 11:18 am

LW, you say you’ve been married for 20 years but this letter sounds like it was written by a 16 year old girl. Grow up and get a new job and work on your marriage.

Copa Copa November 18, 2013, 11:21 am

I couldn’t even read this one, it made me feel weird inside. But I suspect if I had, it would’ve been one of those “oh, my crazy isn’t THAT crazy compared to this!” situations. Which I enjoy.

avatar MissyC November 18, 2013, 11:27 am

“So I’m glad that I didn’t do anything stupid to hurt our marriages.”
Except for the fact that you are in love with your boss and seem to be unable to stop fantasizing about him.

“I deeply care about my boss and worry about him when he is under stress or sick. I never show it though or talk to anyone about it either.”
First, if you have to make a concerted effort to conceal something, that should be a red flag to yourself that there is a problem. Second, do you share these same feelings for your husband? Because if not, perhaps this is a good time to examine whether you want to put in the effort to revitalize your marriage. (Perhaps those two things should be reversed in terms of importance…)

And finally…
“When I mention something fun that my husband and I did, he seems to want to do the same thing and right away texts his wife about it.”
His wife just had a baby. Perhaps he is trying to find some ideas to spend quality time with his wife and is using date ideas with your husband because they seem fun. There is nothing under the surface here. He is cluing you into the fact that he is doing things with his wife. “Oh hey, let me text her about going on a date RIGHT NOW WHILE YOU ARE IN FRONT OF ME.”

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson November 18, 2013, 11:37 am

Nothing like a good trainwreck to bring the dw crowd together. Although wouldn’t it be kinda funny if someone came around and was like “not cool guys, not cool. their love seems legit!”

avatar ktfran November 18, 2013, 11:39 am

Everyone is being a holes. This letter is totally on the up and up. I feel for the LW. I think for her next step, she should start sending anonymous messages to the wife. I KID, I KID!

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson November 18, 2013, 11:45 am

Well I mean the wife does deserve to know about their undying tension for each other.

avatar lets_be_honest November 18, 2013, 12:17 pm

I’m kind of shocked the letter didn’t end that way.

Lyra Lyra November 18, 2013, 12:16 pm

When I was with my ex, one of the girls who he was “friends” with also had a huge crush on him and started sending me hate messages from a fake Facebook account. Basically: “HE DOES NOT LOVE U. HE IS DRIPPING IN SYPHILIS. HE WILL LEAVE U 4 MEEEEEE!!” He knew who it was immediately and it was pretty entertaining.

meadowphoenix meadowphoenix November 18, 2013, 1:46 pm

Don’t you love it when obsession grows into actively ruining your “love”‘s reputation? Syphilis, indeed.

Fabelle Fabelle November 18, 2013, 11:45 am

Hahaha, I’m half-waiting for someone to pop in later like, “Guys, aren’t be being a little harsh?” (or else LW* herself: “You’re all so judgmental! My boss & I have a super special love, & I guess none of you have ever fallen for somebody under imperfect circumstances!”)

*LW, pleaaaase don’t be… THAT LW

avatar ktfran November 18, 2013, 11:49 am

Actually, please do send in that kind of update. Again, solely for entertainment purposes. At the same time, if that were to happen, Wendy should call someone and have her committed.

avatar ktfran November 18, 2013, 11:50 am

Wow. That was mean. I’m sorry. I’ve been feeling feisty lately.

LW, I really do hope that all these comments make you see things a little more clearly and that you decide to work on yourself and your self esteem a little bit. And your marriage!

rainbow rainbow November 18, 2013, 12:34 pm

No, Fabelle, you don’t understand! He made one joke about taking her out on one date four years ago. If that doesn’t scream “a love written in blood in fate’s book since the beginning of time” to you then WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED?

rainbow rainbow November 18, 2013, 12:41 pm

P.S. I HOPE YOU’RE NOT A NURSE, FABELLE!

Fabelle Fabelle November 18, 2013, 12:44 pm

LOL yesss

avatar ktfran November 18, 2013, 11:38 am

Can I just say that I needed this brand of crazy today, purely for entertainment purposes. Thanks Wendy for posting. And thanks LW for sharing your problems.

findingtheearth findingtheearth November 18, 2013, 11:40 am

LW- here’s the thing- Pregnancy is tough on marriages at times. Him venting does not equate that he will leave his wife. It is was not necessarily appropriate that he vented towards you, but it happened. If he can’t handle the pregnancy hormones, then he is in for a real treat once that baby comes.

However, someone venting to you does not give you license to think that their marriage is over and for you to pursue them. We all have weird crushes, that if life was different, it would be good to pursue. However, that does not mean we do it now.

And I agree, people need to grow up. We do not need to attach feelings to every person who is nice to us and hope that we can marry them someday. That is just silly and spells trouble.

avatar Ann April 28, 2014, 6:10 pm

Okay, pregnancy is tough on marriages at times, but is it really appropriate for a boss to tell his employees that he couldn’t have sex with his wife while she was pregnant ?!? That kind of information doesn’t belong in a professional context. It’s totally irrelevant.

mylaray mylaray November 18, 2013, 11:40 am

LW, you sound mentally ill and/or very unstable. This is not normal behavior and I wonder how good and happy your marriage really is if you’re acting like this. Either way, you need therapy. This is inappropriate professionally and personally.

avatar bethany November 18, 2013, 11:45 am

Not cool guys, not cool. It seems like they have a truly special love that none of us will ever understand!!

:)

avatar lemongrass November 18, 2013, 11:54 am

You are a piece of work.

He is an asshole for not sleeping with his pregnant wife.

bagge72 bagge72 November 18, 2013, 11:58 am

I normally think that when a guy says a girl is crazy, he is just making an excuse so he doesn’t get in trouble, but this is crazy. Who does that to their boss? Your boss shares to much, and that makes you feel like you need to bang him, because he feels weird about having sex with his pregnant wife? Go ahead and do it, so you can get fired, and lose your husband of 20 years. Seriously stop thinking with your lady boner.

avatar Not a Princess November 18, 2013, 12:08 pm

Holy Cats woman! AIM HIGHER, not for what you’re looking for in a man, but for what you should look for in yourself!

avatar Vathena November 18, 2013, 12:22 pm

As a married woman with a 5-month-old baby, I kind of want to gouge this LW’s eyes out. *feeling stabby*

Also, it’s not like pregnancy and a new baby aren’t difficult enough, without your husband having casual conversations about your hormones and sex life. (Discreet “venting” to a trusted friend or relative, I understand. But not to the rando crazy flirt at work.) Points off to the boss. But it would seem he’s learned his lesson here! LW: HE’S NOT INTERESTED.

avatar starpattern November 18, 2013, 12:53 pm

Haha, yeah – maybe that’s the positive here! LW is so extreme and he is so traumatized that he will never over-share regarding his marriage again.

bittergaymark Bittergaymark November 18, 2013, 12:34 pm

Wow. What a narcissistic bitch. Some women simply need to just shut the fuck up. Just shut the fuck up. FEELING something doesn’t give you license to open up your gaping mouth and deliberately shit on everyone’s life.

avatar iseeshiny November 18, 2013, 1:06 pm

“FEELING something doesn’t give you license to open up your gaping mouth and deliberately shit on everyone’s life.”

:)

avatar Taylor November 18, 2013, 1:51 pm

Hi BGM, I was hoping you would comment on this! I had a suspicion that for once I would be in total agreement with you. I was right =)

bittergaymark bittergaymark November 19, 2013, 12:34 am

This letter was mindblowing…

avatar Taylor November 19, 2013, 12:56 pm

And not in a good way…

avatar KMJ November 18, 2013, 12:53 pm

I don’t see the behavior of the boss as all that inappropriate. Sounds like he’s basically brushing the unwanted advances off. LW, on the other hand, sounds obsessed despite neither one being available. Did you mean to say four YEARS ago he acted like he liked you? So what. You’re both married now. yes, he may have “rushed” things with his wife, but sometimes people do that when they are in love.

avatar Vathena November 18, 2013, 2:11 pm

Yeah, I like how they “rushed” by getting married a year and a half after they started dating. And clearly the wife FORCED him to have a baby with her, because her ovaries were shriveling up right quick! Man, if only this guy hadn’t been hoodwinked into marrying and starting a family with a woman he clearly doesn’t love, he would have realized that his married subordinate was really his soulmate! Amiright?!

mandalee mandalee November 18, 2013, 12:55 pm

Wow, LW. I don’t have much to add that hasn’t been said. I mean, I’m sure it’s been a awhile since she’s been out in the world of “crushes” and “dates”, so she doesn’t understand that most things other people say are not dripping in a “secretly in love with you” syrup. I feel like she has an amazingly far fetched take on her boss’s marriage and words (judging his love for his wife based on lack of sex during pregnancy? WTH), because she’s looking for every single sign that she is secretly his long lost love. Get a life, LW. That kind of daydreaming and de-coding is best served to occupy bored teenager’s minds. You made an awkward confession months ago, put him in a shitty place professionally, and nothing has come from it except you’ve traveled further that the unrequited crush rabbit hole.

Also, I can see why some people are saying the boss was being inappropriate in talking about his sex life, but depending on the dynamics, I can see a clueless man reaching out to a female friend or co-worker that they have a closer relationship and venting and maybe hoping they’d have some insight to share or assure them it’s normal and it will pass. Granted, he was definitely oversharing, but I can see the train of thought. However, I bet looking back after LW’s love confession, he wishes he could take back anything that she could possibly interpret the wrong way.

landygirl landygirl November 18, 2013, 1:14 pm

It is never really appropriate for a boss to discuss such things with his subordinate.

mandalee mandalee November 18, 2013, 1:34 pm

Well, it was definitely an overshare and not what I’d call “appropriate”, but I don’t think it was done with intent. He vented to the wrong person obviously, but I don’t think he was so out of bounds that he comes close to being as inappropriate as the LW. It is important for a boss to be discreet, but there are plenty of oversharers in all walks of life, even management, that aren’t sharing details just to woe a subordinate.

avatar melancholia November 18, 2013, 1:13 pm

Simply and absolutely PATHETIC. Find another job, focus on your marriage – WHICH, btw cannot be as great as you claim if you have feelings for another man. A crush is one thing, but being so bold as to confess these feelings to ANOTHER MARRIED MAN, let alone your superior, is widely inappropriate and screams insecurity and seriously bad social etiquette.

Your boss doesn’t want to be involved with you romantically. For some reason unbeknownst to us readers, he seems to respect you as an employee. If I were him, I would have fired you on the spot.

avatar lets_be_honest November 18, 2013, 1:21 pm

Hey Look! An etiquette rule we can all agree on!

avatar Boosker November 18, 2013, 1:28 pm

Wow, just, wow. Writing for advice BEFORE you dropped an awkward bomb on your boss might’ve been a good idea. There are so many reasons why this is inappropriate. Why are you fixated on closure? You should be very, very concerned about your future both with that company and with your husband. I assume if you’ve been married for 20 years that you’ve been an adult for some time now. Surely you can see how confessing your feelings to your married boss as a married woman was really, really stupid and counterproductive. I second the therapy recommendation if only to develop the maturity to understand what a clusterfuck you’ve gotten yourself into.

katie katie November 18, 2013, 2:04 pm

ok, i have to say that the advice here isnt very good. sorry.

LW, finding a new job is not going to help you. i dont know what your problem is, i dont know whether it is a sense of restlessness, i dont know if your marriage sucks, i dont know if you such low self esteem that you need outside validation, i dont know if you have daddy issues that causes you to fantasize about men in positions of power… i dunno. but unless you address whatever the underlying causes of this is, you will just have it follow you forever and manifest itself in various ways.

(did i freak anyone out?? huh? did i get ya?? haha)

Heather Heather November 18, 2013, 2:13 pm

ಠ_ಠ
ಠ_ಠ
ಠ_ಠ

I know I already commented, but I think those eyes say it all…

avatar Lucy November 18, 2013, 2:46 pm

Wow. LW, you are batshit. I tried to think of a nice way to say that, but I couldn’t. Please stay away from this guy until you get some therapy and get yourself sorted out. He is clearly extremely uncomfortable with your incredibly inappropriate behaviour but is trying to be kind, or he’d be saying the same thing to you that every other commenter here is.

Lindsay Lindsay November 18, 2013, 3:01 pm

Holy shit. So, you’re definitely sexually harassing your boss right now. I suggest you stop before you lose your job. The reason he said he couldn’t answer you is that HE at least knows proper protocol.

I think you need to find a new job where you can start fresh because this is not going to go anywhere good. You also need to stop getting all up in people’s business. Whether someone’s marriage is having trouble and why that might be is none of your business unless you are one of the spouses.

I also don’t believe for a minute that you didn’t intend on anything happening between you and your boss, as you told him, because if you did, you wouldn’t have asked.

That whole “he said this, but does he mean something else” is something I learned several years ago (in high school) is never helpful. Unless someone asks you out or tells you they’re interested, it’s safe to assume they aren’t. This is particularly true for someone who is your boss and who is already married to someone else.

avatar AKchic November 18, 2013, 3:23 pm

Neither the LW or the crush are acting appropriately. However, since the LW is the one who write in, the LW should be getting some advice.

#1 – stop analyzing whatever YOUR MARRIED BOSS says.
#2 – Who cares how fast he moved into his marriage. He’s married. He has a wife at home and a baby on the way. Ignore his ‘woe is me’ pity-party comments about being freaked out about having sex with her, or how moody she is.
#3 – STOP FLIRTING
#4 – Keep looking for another job. You don’t seem like you will ever be able to re-establish REAL, healthy workplace boundaries, so do your best to create some, but still look for another job.

This guy may have feelings for you, or he’s being nice/wanting someone to vent to. In any case, this shouldn’t be you. He may be leading you on/encouraging you, but you need to be the grown up and rein it in.

avatar Lark November 18, 2013, 4:09 pm

Girl, MOVE ON and get some COUNSELING. What you took as complaining was probably your boss joking (and maybe being kind of inappropriate but if you have a super relaxed work environment I could see it)…Basically, you took what may have been said in a joking manner, or what may have been slightly inappropriate, and a brief four year old flirtation and somehow twisted that around to fit your fantasy of your boss having “super seekrit feelings for you.” I’m not kidding when I say I think you may be emotionally unstable, and that you need to see a psychologist. You are sexually harassing this man. Back off.

KKZ KKZ November 18, 2013, 5:30 pm

I think this may be the first time my jaw has literally dropped while reading a letter – and stayed dropped for the entire letter.

GatorGirl GatorGirl November 18, 2013, 8:42 pm

Holy cow woman. Wtf??

avatar HmC November 18, 2013, 10:20 pm

fake

Red_Lady Red_Lady November 18, 2013, 10:46 pm

What. The. Fuck.
You don’t confess your crush to someone that is unavailable, especially when you yourself are unavailable. There is NO good that can come from it. You are lucky that you haven’t been fired. Definitely find a new job, unless you can somehow stop acting like a love-struck 12 y/o and do your job in a professional manner. Although I can’t imagine it’d be easy after the colossal mistake you made of “confessing your feelings” Seriously. What the fuck?!

avatar acastil5 November 18, 2013, 11:30 pm

I call fake.

avatar Ann April 28, 2014, 6:05 pm

I am not saying that the boss does like her, and indeed it is totally inappropriate to talk to him about her feelings.

(Small reality check.) But let’s not be ridiculously high and mighty, and overly shocked about this post, either. People do have relationships at work, that happens more than we might want to think. Even married people with children, boss-employee etc.

She’s looking for signs that he loves her, but that’s just because she’s in love – in my view she doesn’t need any therapy for that. If she changes jobs, the feeling will just go away over time.

avatar Jane August 25, 2014, 11:23 am

All the above comments say much about the women giving them. Possessive, jealous women, who spit the dummy when they see a free spirit dare to indulge in their feelings outside the ‘boundaries’ that they so desperately need to be bound up in. Yes you have to ‘grow up’ and accumulate a lot of insecurities, you have to be made hard by rejection and disappointment, to shake off that raw, uninhibited and uncontrolled imagination and impulse of the young. I’m amazed that these women feel anything at all, such is their contempt for feeling, but it’s obvious they do feel – jealousy, insecurity, and the warm comforting blanket of moral conventionality. To the writer, these women don’t have the emotional optimism to be able to understand that you can admire and even love two people at the same time, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your marriage at all. Congratulations for having the self confidence and imagination to dare to hope, but in reality it doesn’t look as though he feels the same, and thanks to jealous partners which are the norm, I suggest you change jobs and don’t risk your marriage or his. You’re not mad, gross or immoral. You’re very very human, so human, the dulled down masses in their grey imitation of humantiy, can’t even understand what you’re on about. Good luck.

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