I have known my man for near seven years. He has a sister who he is “very fond of” and has indeed said he loves her very very much. The two have a “secret lingo” that they use when they text each other. He has never said a bad word about her and I can see he feels very protective of her and is a little too full of admiration for her.
She is 45 and has never married and has no relationships to talk of. She is a teacher, has a cat, and brings out this alpaca wool teddy bear whose name is a derivative of her brother’s name. I have seen her “feeding” the teddy a biscuit!!! My boyfriend is 46 and has also never been married. I am 46 too and divorced with no children. I feel we’re all a bit dysfunctional but the sister more so. I have extended the hand of friendship twice and wanted to introduce her to my sisters, but this has never happened.
Initially, I was happy that my man related to women well and was close to his sister, but now I get annoyed at the humor they share and that I’m not part of and I can’t appreciate it. They have sickly pet names for each other.
My family loves my boyfriend and he is completely “normal” when with them, but his family has never really been friendly towards me. I accept that they are a more private bunch and I will never be more involved with them and don’t want to be now either. His parents are elderly and he still lives with them but stays with me at my place at weekends. The sister has a place of her own that he visits frequently. I would dearly love to pool our resources and get a property together, but he always has excuses so I have no choice but to be happy with the amount of time we get with each other and not to push for more. I could end it, but I enjoy his company very much and think it’s only natural that I should want more.
A little over a year ago he told me he didn’t love me anymore and we split up. We had no contact at all, and I picked up the pieces and carried on. I was devastated. Six months later he wrote me a beautiful letter saying he had missed me every day, learned so much about himself lately, and was there any chance I would take him back? I did–and now we are back to the same routine even though I said I would want a bigger commitment on down the line.
Why do you think he has not been able to commit to me completely – and will he ever? — Jealous of His Sister
You have it wrong. It’s not that your “man” is unable to commit to you completely; it’s that he simply doesn’t want to. He likes your current arrangement. For whatever reason, living with his parents works for him. Maybe they take care of him in a way he doesn’t want to give up. Maybe he takes care of them. Maybe spending weekends with you is all the time he cares to be around you. For him, it’s enough. Obviously, it’s enough because, after seven years, he is still resistant to giving you more.
Will that ever change? I have no idea. Probably not. It’s probably better that you accept that this is how it’s always going to be rather than hold out hope that after all these years things are going to change. And once you accept that this is how it’s always going to be, the next step is to decide whether you’re willing to live with how things are for the rest of your relationship. Is this enough for you or are you always going to be nagging him to commit more fully? If that’s the case, you might as well MOA because living with only a fraction of what you want from someone is a miserable way to have a relationship.
As for his sister, I guess I don’t really see what’s so strange about their sibling relationship. Sure, she sounds a bit eccentric what with feeding her alpaca wool teddy bear and all. Oh, and she has a cat!! I mean, everyone knows women who are over 30 and never married and have a CAT are cuh-razy. But other than that, I’m not sure what the issue is. So her brother is “very fond of her.” That’s a problem how? And he’s never said a bad word about her? The horror! And they have a “secret lingo” when they text? How is it secret if you know about it?
I don’t know. It sounds like you’re looking for reasons to feel jealous of the sister when the real issue here is that your man doesn’t want the same kind of relationship that you do. This issue is separate from his sister. It doesn’t concern her. It concerns only the two of you. You want one thing and he doesn’t. So decide whether you’re willing to sacrifice what you really want and settle for what he’s offering, or if you’re sick of settling and you’re ready to move on. Those are your options.
After seven years and one long breakup, your boyfriend has made it clear what he’s able to give you. If it’s not enough for you, cut your losses and MOA.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.