My college roommate is hands down the sweetest, funniest, most incredibly gorgeous girl I’ve ever met. Over the year, we have gotten very close, and I absolutely love spending time with her. The only problem is: every time we go anywhere together, guys immediately approach her and initiate a conversation with her, often completely ignoring me, which makes me feel undesirable and ‘second best.’ On top of that, numerous times I’ve invited my male friends over to our apartment, and they end up talking only to her, and continue to ask me about her for weeks after meeting her. The thing that bugs me the most about it is that she isn’t even flirty! She is in a long distance but successful relationship with her very handsome high school sweetheart.
A big part of me wants to end our friendship — and the living arrangements — at the end of this year. It’s taken quite a toll on my self esteem always feeling inferior. The one thing that makes me extremely hesitant to end the friendship, besides how much fun we have, is the fact that she has confided in me about her confusion as to why she cannot maintain close friendships with girls. Would it be wrong of me to end the friendship? Or should I talk to her about how I’m feeling? I’m not sure she even realizes it. — Jealous of the Man Magnet
As hard as it may be to believe right now, in the not-too-distant future, things are going to change a great deal. You will grow into your own skin and become a more confident person, for one thing. The guys you’ll meet will begin to mature a bit and value the traits you offer — the very traits that distinguish you from your friend. And you will find people whose boats really aren’t floated by your friend — people will truly prefer your company because of all the wonderful things that make you you. And when that happens — a year from now, two years from now, five years from now — are you going to be a happier person having waited patiently, enjoying the friendship of this person you have such a good time with, or are you going to be happier knowing you dumped her because you were too weak to handle friendship with someone who, at one point in your lives, seemingly attracted more male attention than you?
The way I see it your friend is actually doing you a favor. Her presence in your life is helping you weed out the men from the boys, or the guys who would potentially like you for who you are from the guys who are just after the hottest girl in the room. “Hot” changes. What’s hottest today may not be hottest tomorrow. Sure, you want someone who thinks you’re attractive, but more importantly, you want someone who is attracted to you as a person. That’s not the guy who’s going to ignore you the second your “incredibly gorgeous” friend walks in the door. That’s the guy who’s barely going to notice her when she does. So, use your friend. Use her first for wonderful companionship, but also as a way to measure whether a guy’s worthy and deserving of your company. And if it’s simply too hard on your ego to “compete” with a woman who, let’s remember is not in competition with you, that says something about your character and your worthiness of a guy’s attention and company.
It’s never too late or too early to start developing a deep character. Your friendship with your roommate seems like an ideal opportunity to do just that. And I promise you, one day you will find a guy for whom “deep character” is a huge turn-on.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.