I am understanding, but the fact that he doesn’t even say hello every once in a while really bothers me. He tells me everything is fine with us and that he’s just in a funk. I’m madly in love with him and I’m so depressed over him not communicating with me, and there’s no end to this separation in sight.
I have stopped seeing other people (with the exception of my husband) because we were getting serious. I’m miserable without him, but he doesn’t seem to care about my feelings and I don’t want to seem selfish and tell him how upset I am cause I don’t want to add more stress to his life. I don’t know if I should set a time limit to all this or what. He says by the end of the month things may be better with his legal issues, so maybe I should give him till then? I would wait forever if I knew he was really coming back to me but I don’t know for sure and, like I said, I’m in an open marriage and could be seeing other people though I’ve chosen to wait for him. And I’m miserable in the meantime. — Miserable Polly
Yes, you should set a time limit to waiting around for your boyfriend and that time limit should be, like, when he started ignoring you because if that’s not a sign he’s frying bigger fish, so to speak, then I don’t know what is.
You mention that YOU are polyamorous and are in an open marriage, but what’s your boyfriend’s situation? Is he also married? Does he have other girlfriends/ significant others? Something tells me that you are not the number one person in his life and that his attention is not only being pulled elsewhere, but he also has put a relationship with you on “hold” until he figures out where things stand with the other party/parties in his life.
Your relationship situation may not be typical, but your feelings of rejection are, so I will tell you what I would tell anyone whose boyfriend or, if you prefer, “boyfriend” has disappeared for seven weeks after one breakup already (after only 8 months) and who can only see her once a week anyway and who can’t even be bothered to say “hello” during his disappearance: MOA.
If this guy wanted to be with you, he’d be with you. Regardless of what his issues are or what stresses/ bigger fish he’s frying, he’d make you enough of a priority to see you once a week or, at the very least, CALL you every once in a while. The fact that he doesn’t, means he doesn’t really care all that much. I know that hurts, but the faster you accept this as truth, the faster your heart can heal and you can move on.
But enough about him. Let’s talk about your husband. How does HE feel about your obsession with your boyfriend? I get that your relationship isn’t typical, but I would imagine that even in an open marriage a spouse excepts to be prioritized over supplemental relationships. I’d caution you to make sure you’re prioritizing your husband and not taking him for granted.
As for seeing other people, I certainly wouldn’t let this MIA “boyfriend” stop you from pursuing other relationships. I mean, if you’re not going to let your husband stop you from having boyfriends, you probably shouldn’t let anyone else stop you either.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.