Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I’m Pregnant and His Mother Doesn’t Want Me Around”

My boyfriend and I are both 19 have been together for two and a half years now. As soon as we met, I moved into his mom’s house with him. He’s the younger son and his mother is very loving. However, she and I both got off on the wrong foot in the beginning because she didn’t know me so well and I was living in her house.

I am now six months pregnant and I’ve been feeling a lot of negative energy coming from my boyfriend’s mother lately. A few nights ago she was upset at something her son did and she took it out on me! She was threatening to kick me out, and she says she doesn’t care where I end up. She says she is disappointed with me for “applauding” her son’s misbehavior. (He may do something stupid that we’ll laugh about, but he knows it was dumb and wrong for him to do and it’s not my fault). She has also called me “ungrateful,” “a spoiled brat,” “dirty,” and a “slob.” It’s bothersome, but I don’t want my boyfriend to see the two women he loves argue, so I don’t say anything back.

Everyone in the house works except for me; I quit my job because working with fast food made me nauseous all the time. But while everyone is working, I’m cleaning around the house. I help out as much as possible with my pregnancy; I don’t lie around all day and do nothing. I even cook sometimes! I receive WIC and even bring food to the house.

My boyfriend and I will argue and fight, but we’ll be all good again within two minutes. She doesn’t understand our relationship, but she butts in anyways. She said I use him and walk all over him, but he completely disagreed with her! Today she told him in front of me that she is sorry for him that I am pregnant. She has become very disrespectful and her comments are unacceptable. She doesn’t even want me around him, so I packed up all my things and moved back with my mom. Before I left, my boyfriend’s mom told me, “Don’t ever come back.” I don’t know what to do. — Pregnant and Alone

Why are you having a baby? You’re 19 years old, you don’t have a job, you don’t have your own home, you have a boyfriend who sounds immature (as do you), and in your whole letter you said nothing about your plans for motherhood or the future. So, why are you having a baby? Simply because you got pregnant? That’s not a good enough reason. You are in no position to raise a child. You’re the kind of person who quits a job because she’s nauseous during pregnancy when, like, 80% of pregnant women are nauseous regardless of where they work, and then who whines that the person you’re living with rent-free is mean to you even though you sometimes bring food home that you bought with taxpayer’s money because you can’t be bothered to work and earn your own money to buy food and other necessities. (For the record, I think government assistance is a necessary and wonderful thing when used appropriately, but not when an able-bodied 19-year-old quits her job because she just doesn’t feel like going anymore).

And, please, stop with the “I help out as much as possible with my pregnancy.” You’re six months along. You know what other women around the world who are six months pregnant manage to do? Run businesses, perform surgeries, raise their families, teach classrooms full of students, wait on customers for 12-hour shifts, help other women deliver babies, cook every day (not just sometimes), drive city buses, walk miles for fresh water, do stand-up, practice law, run for office, run races, and work full-time even while nauseous and achy and fighting heartburn and dealing with all the other bullshit that pops up in adults’ everyday lives because life doesn’t fucking stop just because you’re knocked up. And I’m six months pregnant, so I know this intimately. I am living this right now. And it enrages me that you are using pregnancy as an excuse to, let’s be honest, probably lie around quite a bit, because how long do you really spend “cleaning around the house” when the rest of your household is out earning money to help keep a roof over your head?

When you are living in someone’s home, someone who didn’t even invite you to move in and who doesn’t want you to be there, you don’t get to whine that the situation isn’t up to your liking. If you want a more comfortable living environment, get a job, earn some money, and rent your own damn apartment. Until you can do the basics of caring for and supporting yourself, I don’t see how you can even entertain the thought of mothering a child. You have three months to make some plans to provide better opportunities for your child. Please don’t waste that time musing over why your boyfriend’s mother doesn’t welcome you in her home with open arms.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

82 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Hannanas April 24, 2015, 8:09 am

    Spot-on, Wendy.
    LW, unless yours is a truly complicated pregnancy (and it doesn’t sound like it is), you have no reason not to contribute to your surroundings and chip in, like everyone else. I’d chalk up your naivety to your young age, but you weren’t too young to get pregnant (you don’t even mention it being an accident). Grow up and do it fast!

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  • mrmidtwenties

    mrmidtwenties April 24, 2015, 8:11 am

    Why oh why do people who live places for free think they have the right to complain? It honestly baffles me.

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  • Nookie

    Nookie April 24, 2015, 8:15 am

    It’s funny how time changes a person: With the very big exception of the baby, I was in a situation very much like yours LW when I was 19 and while reading this letter 34 year old me was thinking ‘what an awful situation, get out of there!’ So there’s that.
    .
    We all have to make our own decisions in this life and take our own roads, but I hope that you’ll take on board that I moved out of that negative (by my own hand) environment when I was close to 19/20 and moved back home. I went back to school, got some college stuff sorted and got a good job. A few years later I left and have fully supported myself for a long time in a foreign country.
    .
    The decisions you’ve made aren’t final, and you can change your mind about things. Go home to your parents and think about your options now and how you want the rest of your life to look. Only you can make those things happen, I hope you do!

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  • muchachaenlaventana

    muchachaenlaventana April 24, 2015, 8:16 am

    Slow clapping this one all the way home. I agree so much and could never word it quite as diplomatically as you.

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    • Kate B.

      Kate B. April 24, 2015, 9:33 am

      Me, neither. I got so angry reading this letter, I chose not to comment because I would say some very harsh things. Yay, Wendy!

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  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite April 24, 2015, 8:19 am

    Don’t move in with people you don’t know in the future. You’ve been living with her since you were 16/17ish and clearly looking for some sort of out if you moved in “as soon as we met.” You were running from something and plan to keep running from problems. You ran from your job when it got hard.
    .
    You do what she said and respect her by not going back to that situation. You change your focus. You’re going to give birth soon. You need to either be ready for your life to change where you can’t run when it gets hard or you do the more responsible thing, recognize you’re not ready for a baby when you haven’t ever lived independently and aren’t supporting yourself and look into adoption resources. Your WIC case worker should be able to assist you with that.

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    • Eljay

      Eljay April 24, 2015, 9:41 am

      THIS! It all just sounds so….casual. Everyone takes care of her, but HER! “Times got tough at home, who needs rules, so bf and his mom will take care of me.” “Times got tough at bf and his mama’s house (more damn rules) and it’s back to the lesser of the evils…back home…mommy will take care of me.” Unless she changes her thought processes and realizes that the world doesn’t owe her a living, this LW (and especially this poor innocent baby) is in for one hell of an awful ride. Please, LW, take the advice to look into adoption, give this baby a chance at a happy healthy life. This baby deserves better.

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  • something random

    something random April 24, 2015, 8:22 am

    This is harsh but fair. The letter writer sounds like she is used to being taken care of. A lot of people right out of high school are used to feeling like the basics (food, room, support) are a given. But someone in that frame of mind has no business having a baby. The letter writer needs a harsh dose of reality to grow up much faster and scramble to get her life situated to be a caregiver or to find an alternative situation for her offspring to grow up with the safety and security of having the basics provided.

    Its a difficult situation but hopefully a dose of reality will help motivate the letter writer to take some much needed action. It isn’t her mom or mother-in-law’s job to provide for this baby. If she’s ready to be a mom, she should be ready to acknowledge this and willing to sacrifice her personal comfort for the baby’s needs.

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh April 24, 2015, 8:33 am

    Exactly what Wendy said LW. First, the house you were living in was his Mother’s and not his. It is her choice who lives there. Why at 16 1/2 did you move in with another family? Did the Mother get asked before this happened or did she come home from work one day and find you living in her house? As for the job just because you can’t work fast food doesn’t man you can’t work. And you will at some point have to start taking care of yourself, you can’t expect others to do it for you. Assuming that you graduated from high school or have a GED. Do you have plans for after the baby comes? Is your Mother willing to let you live with her forever? Are you going to go back to school? Get job training, etc?

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  • avatar

    SasLinna April 24, 2015, 8:43 am

    I really have to wonder if LW ever asked her boyfriend’s mom if she could move in, and more recently, if they were willing to financially support her during the pregnancy. If not, wow. You can’t just decide you’ve become part of a family, and even in families, you have to come to an understanding what your contribution to the household is going to be, and not just assume that you can cook and clean in exchange for rent or whatever. It even sounds like the mom is supporting LW by proxy, via her son. If I were the mom, I’d be furious.
    LW, this is why she’s kicking you out. She does not want you living with her (probably never did), nor does she want to support you. And it’s 100% her right to decide this – you’re not her child, why would she support you? If you want support, you need to look to your boyfriend, not his mom. He should pay child support for your kid.
    Lastly, I’m freaking scared that you seem to give no thought to how life with the baby will be like. At least it’s not in the letter. Are you at all preparing for this baby? Start looking into your options right now (e.g. child support, what jobs you could work, potential support from your mom etc.).

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  • avatar

    Cleopatra Jones April 24, 2015, 9:25 am

    Dang, Wendy went hard on this letter. 🙂

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  • avatar

    Essie April 24, 2015, 9:27 am

    LW, you’re probably feeling pretty beat up right now, and I bet you’re not understanding why everyone’s so angry with you.
    .
    I can see why your boyfriend’s mother is upset. She’s supporting your boyfriend, and you, and pretty soon she’s going to be helping to support your baby, too. And you seem to be thinking that this is how it’s supposed to be. You feel like you’re ‘helping’, but sharing a little WiC food and doing a little light cleaning is really pretty meaningless in the big picture. Who’s paying the rent or the mortgage? Who’s buying most of the groceries? Who’s paying the water bill? The utilities? Do you even know what all of that stuff costs?
    .
    Do you and your boyfriend plan on being self-sufficient someday? Have you thought about how that will happen? Have either of you even finished high school? If not, what kind of jobs can you get? Can you make enough money to pay rent? Buy a car? Enough money to buy food for all three of you? Good, healthy food for your baby? What about clothes for your baby? Can you pay for doctor visits? What if the baby gets sick and needs medicine?
    .
    Or are you just assuming that his mother, or your mother, will pay for all of this stuff forever?
    .
    That’s not how life works. You can’t depend on other people to carry you. His mother, or your mother, or taxpayers. Even if you decide you’re going to live off welfare for the rest of your life, it’s not going to be enough to give you or your baby a decent life. The two of you need to learn how to stand on your own two feet before you bring another life into the world.
    .
    If you haven’t considered adoption, I think it’s time to think about it. I don’t see how, in your present circumstances, you can take good care of this baby. If you and your boyfriend can’t support yourselves without other people’s help, you sure can’t support a child.

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    • coconot

      coconot April 24, 2015, 9:50 am

      Yeah I really hope she is considering adoption. As things are going now, she is setting herself up to be permanently dependent on others: family, the state (i.e. taxpayers), etc. BTW I hope BGM chimes in on this. Can’t wait to hear his annoyance with this LW.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna April 24, 2015, 9:57 am

        Given that a few people are suggesting adoption, I just wanted to point out that many “birth mothers” suffer for a long time from their decision to give up their child. The psychological effects appear to be really terrible. It’s not discussed often enough. From what I’ve read, I would not suggest adoption to anyone who is not super adamant they don’t want to raise the kid themselves. Obviously LW is very naive and entitled, but that does not mean she can’t change and raise this baby.

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      • avatar

        Sunshine Brite April 24, 2015, 10:14 am

        I’m an adult adoptee and often recommend adoption here because I’m very glad that I didn’t have to suffer growing up because someone needed to figure herself out. They’re not going to unwilling take the baby out of her arms anymore like they used to.
        .
        I think that the psychological effects are being more understood and recognized now and there are additional steps, therapy options, etc that were never available before. People need to recognize that there are options available to them.

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      • othy

        othy April 24, 2015, 10:42 am

        While adoption may be hard for the mom, I think it’s really important when it’s in the best interest of the child. If the parents can’t take care of a child (i.e. they aren’t supporting themselves), they really should seriously consider it. My husband’s birth mom sounds very similar to the LW (very young, not self supporting, not emotionally ready), and he is very thankful that she was willing to do what was best for him and give him up to be raised by his parents, who were ready and wanted a child.
        .
        To make it easier, she could consider an open adoption, where she could be more involved in the child’s life but not financially responsible for the kid.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna April 24, 2015, 10:55 am

        I think open adoptions can always be closed by the adoptive parents, so she would have no legal right to stay involved.
        I don’t really have personal relationship to adoption at all – I just came across some heartbreaking stories from women who had given their children up for adoption. I’ve also read from adoptees who feel they were harmed. It’s definitely not an easy topic to discuss and I just wanted to provide a counterpoint to what I feel is (usually) an overwhelming support for adoption as an option.
        I guess what motivates me to mention this as well is that I believe that if a woman is able to have a loving relationship with her child, then she can grow into her role as mother. It may still be better for the child to have the bio mother around, even if she needs to grow up a lot. But I’m definitely envisaging more of a situation in which the mother has some sort of support system that makes this easier (such as her own mother helping). I can only say that if my daughter had a kid as a teen, I would do everything in my power to keep the child in the family.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna April 24, 2015, 11:03 am

        Plus, I forgot to say, I really disagree with the idea that people who currently cannot support themselves economically should give up a child for adoption. I mean I agree it’s not smart to get pregnant in that situation, but what is done is done and money should not not be the reason not to mother a child if that’s what you want to do. And certainly as a society we should offer some help to women so they don’t have to place a child for adoption for financial reasons.

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      • avatar

        booknerd April 24, 2015, 11:25 am

        Let’s be honest, this LW is a child. She’s not supporting herself. She doesn’t know how to or is even trying to support herself. She’s not even aware (in her letter) of how much time, effort, love, money etc etc, I could go on and on, that a baby NEEDS. She left her job because of nausea. She has nothing to offer a baby right now. I’m sure she could get by on public assistance but, does she have the mental capacity to turn from a child who is dependent on all of those around her to a fully selfless mother on call 24/7? Being a mom is effing hard with money, a house and all the food you could want. She is tentatively with her mother right now, who knows how fragile that is. I don’t think she or her BF are ready or capable of caring for a baby.
        Society *should* help, but it does. Food stamps, medical care, etc. She’s honestly not trying to better her situation with the information she gave us. She is able to work, but not willing.
        A baby has no choice in this. There are SO many couples who are dying to adopt a child. She should really give it a better life in an open adoption.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna April 24, 2015, 11:32 am

        I really think she sounds majorly naive and child like. What she can offer the child will depend on the support she gets, and how fast she’ll grow up once the baby is here. I would just say she should think through her options and not make a rushed choice. I would want for someone like her to get a lot of counseling before any final decisions are made. And precisely because she’s so childish I cannot judge her too much.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna April 24, 2015, 11:37 am

        I’ve mentioned this before, but I believe that open adoptions are not legally enforceable at all. They are often closed by the adoptive parents a few years in.

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      • avatar

        booknerd April 24, 2015, 12:00 pm

        I really am not trying to attack you, I just like our banter on this subject, BTW.

        I would hesitate to say that having a birth parent involved in your adopted child’s life offers much…. It seems to me it could be very detrimental and messed up for the kid. Of course, that’s totally dependent on the actual birth parent, but I have experienced having a parent in and out of my life, I’m expected to love and see as a parent figure etc, but it’s really more turmoil than it’s worth, for me. I sometimes wish real hard that he’d surrendered his rights and my stepfather could have adopted me. I know that’s not the same as this, but sometimes those relationships do not benefit the child. And they coddle the parent in a way that’s not realistic.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna April 24, 2015, 12:06 pm

        Not trying to attack anyone either, though I’m fully aware that I am not getting many “likes” for my position. 🙂
        Definitely agree that there are cases where the child is better off with the bio parents not in the picture. I just wanted to clarify that the open adoption thing cannot be enforced, so someone who’s giving their child up for adoption needs to be clear that they might never see the child again if the adoptive parents so decide.
        I think I’m heavily influenced by the fact that I’m from a country where almost no children are giving up for adoption anymore. It’s because of good access to contraception and abortion, but also because parents receive enough support to keep their children. I just feel like it says something that basically no one is willing to place a child for adoption under these circumstances.

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      • Stonegypsy

        Stonegypsy April 24, 2015, 5:10 pm

        Okay, let’s take money out of this. Let’s just look at a girl who is still almost a child. She doesn’t have the emotional maturity necessary to raise a child. She doesn’t show good judgment (moving in with her boyfriend as soon as they met, storming out with packed bags because of a fight with the woman who pays for everything, getting pregnant when she can’t even take care of herself), she doesn’t seem to really think ahead, or have any sense of consequences for her actions. Take money out of it, and think really hard – does this sound like someone who would make a good mother?

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      • avatar

        SasLinna April 24, 2015, 5:15 pm

        To flip the question, should she have to do something that might mean she’ll never see her baby again? IMO, she should get some support in raising her kid. The kid should have another adult present who will talk supervise the mother to some degree. It’s not like giving her all the responsibility or taking the kid away completely are the only conceivable options.

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      • Stonegypsy

        Stonegypsy April 24, 2015, 5:23 pm

        Sure, I could agree that her family should provide some support. But does that seem very likely? The way she is currently taking advantage of everyone around her and expecting that everyone should just be taking care of her. I think it’s going to be a lot healthier for everyone if the baby is given up for adoption now (and you actually can enforce an open adoption as long as you’re not a danger to the kid, you just need a good lawyer when you’re setting it up initially. It has to be a contract, not just an agreement), rather than it inevitably being taken away from her later when it’s proven she can’t or won’t actually take care of it.
        Think about this – she only mentions her pregnancy in the letter to illustrate how hard things are for her. She doesn’t mention her plans once the baby is actually there. She doesn’t seem to be actually thinking about the welfare of her soon-to-be child at all. She’s just bitching about her boyfriend’s mom being mean to her.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna April 24, 2015, 5:31 pm

        I actually have very little sympathy for her personally, despite what it might seem like. Agree that she doesn’t seem to mention her plans for the baby at all, and that that’s concerning. I even find her highly infuriating to be honest. I am merely reacting to people’s calls to put her kid up for adoption (something she doesn’t mention as a plan in the letter at all) and mentioning that, to my knowledge, that’s a fairly harmful choice in many cases. That’s all that matters to me – she should know that it’s a choice that a lot of birth mothers regret for the rest of their lives, and that a fair number of adoptees also suffer as well. I just want some compassion for the human suffering involved in this, and I think for that it doesn’t really matter how entitled and naive she may be.

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      • Stonegypsy

        Stonegypsy April 24, 2015, 5:39 pm

        That’s fair. I guess my take is – human suffering is inevitable. We all suffer. Hard things happen, bad things happen. But having witnessed a lot of people have children who should not have, I feel like you have to weigh which situation is going to cause the most suffering and the most long term damage. And in instances like this, I still think that everyone involved (including LW, but especially her baby) is going to be better off if given to a couple who is actually ready to take care of a small vulnerable human life.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark April 24, 2015, 2:43 pm

        God, are you fucking clueless.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom April 24, 2015, 3:01 pm

        Agreed!

        Children don’t have years to wait while their mother grows up enough to be a good parent. Kids need attentive parenting from day one and this young woman will probably neglect this baby. She seems so immature and irresponsible it’s hard to imagine how she’ll be available emotionally and financially for this baby. Her irresponsibility is shown by her impulsive move out of the home she was living in to make some kind of statement about the mother and the mother’s rules and being surprised that she was told to not come back. The same kind of impulsive, irresponsible behavior was shown when she quit her job without another one lined up and just assumed she was entitled to take her pregnancy off from work and that she could decide the amount of chores that were enough to be her share in the house. I don’t see any sign of the maturity required to raise a child.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna April 24, 2015, 4:18 pm

        Thanks. Actually I’ve researched this topic quite a bit. I know my opinion is not popular, but it’s not an uniformed one.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom April 24, 2015, 4:34 pm

        I think that many of us can agree it is hard on the mother. What we don’t agree with is that what is easier for her is what is best for the baby. The baby needs mature parents from day one and this baby doesn’t appear to have even one.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna April 24, 2015, 4:46 pm

        I of course agree that what’s best for the baby is extremely important. There is some evidence that some adopted kids suffer from their situation, some quite severely. Obviously some of those kids might have suffered staying with their bio moms as well. It’s a complicated issue, but worth looking into the evidence rather than just assuming that adoptive parents will be better. And the mother’s well being does matter some. Not as much as the baby’s, but it matters. Especially when she’s almost still a kid, too. Idk. I just can’t with the “she doesn’t matter at all”. I feel like it’s inhuman, and super easy to argue. For the record, this letter makes me mad, too. It’s not easy to have sympathy for LW, but that makes it all the more important to take a step back and at least give some consideration to how much is at stake for her.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom April 24, 2015, 4:43 pm

        I think you also said you came from a country other than the US so you will have a different view of social services than most of us. In the US the social safety net is fairly minimal. In the county where I live the waiting list for subsidized housing is years long and mostly goes to the elderly. I think you have to be handicapped to get in at a younger age. She can get some assistance to buy food from WIC and foodstamps but with both combined she will have trouble feeding herself and her baby. The payments are that low. There is a five year lifetime limit on welfare payments and you have to constantly prove that you are actively searching for a job. In other words, if she can’t support herself financially she will be unable to raise her baby. If she can’t provide food and shelter for herself she will be unable to provide them for the baby. It is the reality where we live. If she lives in another country then her reality may be different. If she lives in the US she’s in trouble.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna April 24, 2015, 5:10 pm

        She’s in great trouble, I agree with that. And you may be right that the situation in the US is different, making it extremely hard for her to raise this child. My problem is that some people are asserting that’s it’s entirely right for her to have to give up a baby because she doesn’t have the financial means to raise him or her, even going as far as saying they don’t give a shit about her. I think there’s something wrong with that, whether it’s realistic to hope for an alternative or not. I feel like it’s a brutal choice, no matter how stupid LW might have been.

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      • avatar

        booknerd April 24, 2015, 4:44 pm

        Where is the child considered in any of that? I’d like to read how growing up with an unemployed 19 year old mother was good for the child.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna April 24, 2015, 4:51 pm

        I feel like the fact that she’s unemployed is given undue weight. Like if this LW had kept her job at a fastfood joint, the reactions here on DW would be so different, and that’s just plain absurd IMO. Her being unemployed is likely temporary. Are we really going to base our judgement on whether she should keep her baby on whether she’s currently working at McDo or not?

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom April 24, 2015, 4:56 pm

        She quit her job at fast food because it made her nauseous but doesn’t say that she’s tried to get another job anywhere else. She seems to feel entitled to take the pregnancy off even though she needs to provide for a baby. She seems to think she can have a baby and someone else should provide for it while she does what she wants. That’s not mature thinking or real life thinking as she found out when she moved out and was told to not come back. Will it be any easier to hold a job when she is feeding a baby every few hours around the clock and when she needs to pay for childcare out of her minimum wage income? Being pregnant is much easier than taking care of a newborn and also easier than taking care of a toddler. How will she handle those stages when she can’t seem to function through this one. There is no reason to assume she will manage to hold a job in the future when life is even more difficult unless she grows up.

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed April 24, 2015, 4:56 pm

        She quit because of a seemingly minor thing. That doesn’t speak well to someone in her situation. Especially because it doesn’t seem like she’s trying to get another job…

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      • Stonegypsy

        Stonegypsy April 24, 2015, 5:03 pm

        Yeah, it’s being given as much weight as it is because she quit because it made her nauseous and says absolutely nothing about trying to get another job.
        “I help out as much as possible with my pregnancy; I don’t lie around all day and do nothing. I even cook sometimes! I receive WIC and even bring food to the house.”
        She didn’t try to line up something before she quit, she hasn’t made an effort to find anything else. She seems to believe the world should stop everything and take care of her just because she’s pregnant, while lots of people go to jobs and work to support themselves in that same condition. She does not have the emotional maturity or the financial stability, to give a child the care that it needs. What’s she going to do when it gets hard (You know… immediately after it comes out)? She quits things when they aren’t easy.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna April 24, 2015, 5:04 pm

        She’s not mature in the least, absolutely. What I’m saying is that she quit this specific job and doesn’t have a new one is a huge factor in people stating she should give her kid up for adoption. I would bet that if she had some kind of job, really anything at all, the reactions would be different. What matters is whether she’s likely to hold down a job in the future and how well she’ll be able to care for her kid overall. The financial aspects are just part of the picture. I don’t think a person who loves her kid and is overall able to parent needs to give up a child for adoption just for financial reasons. Is she able to parent? IDK. But I surely don’t think it’s ruled out because she quit a job.

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      • Stonegypsy

        Stonegypsy April 24, 2015, 5:13 pm

        See my reply to your similar comment above. Even if you take money out of the equation, this is not someone who is equipped to be a parent.

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      • avatar

        booknerd April 25, 2015, 9:44 am

        No, I’m basing my judgement in her having zero concern for the child, herself or the people around her. Money or a job aren’t the issue to me. She is a child. A self centered entitled child. Self centered adults arguably aren’t the best parents. I wonder what you’ve actually read that has brought this unpopular, and IMO unrealistic opinion from. The quitting the job is a huge factor because it illustrates exactly how out of touch she is with what she and the baby will need. She quit because she was nauseous. All pregnant women are nauseous. She is not preparing for a child. That’s one of the main problems.

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      • something random

        something random April 24, 2015, 11:00 am

        Giving up a baby has to be terribly traumatic. But so is having a baby you are unprepared to care for. I agree it’s important for a woman to feel empowered to make the best decision for herself and her child. But this can’t happen if the woman isn’t facing reality.

        I did know a woman who had a child at 17 (she married the father and they are still together 40 years later) and raised him into a loving, responsible adult. She was a good mother, she even mothered me a little. She was also a really hard worker and so was her husband. They were both bright and committed to being adults at a young age. Her husband had been a brilliant student in high school, everyone thought he would go to medical school. He ended up working a trade. She didn’t get to enjoy a lot of material goods or do a lot for herself for a long time. She cleaned houses for years once her kids were in school. She told me how much she envied me when I got to go to college and had the freedom to read and learn and pursue whatever I wanted.

        I also have a cousin (who was somewhat immature) who had a baby at 19. Her mom had given her a lot throughout her childhood. My cousin and the father had met in college and had a similar situation as the lw (fighting all the time). My cousin moved back home with her mom and had her baby. I don’t know what happened but I know by the time she was 25 she was working full time at a casino and only coming back to see her son on the weekends. My aunt brought this nephew to a wedding and the boy asked my husband if he would be his “daddy” (first time he ever met my husband). My aunt and uncle finally ended up with full custody. But they are old and don’t have a lot of energy for this rambunctious kid.

        I have a ton of other experiences that also come to mind. I’m sure most people on this site have those experiences. A lot of us have seen situations where kids end up really struggling because their parents were naive about their own abilities. At 19, I’m not sure this lw has much long-term perspective to draw from to make a fully informed decision.

        Hopefully this will be a wake-up call that she doesn’t have time to worry about side dramas like her baby’s grandma being angry at her or fights with her immature boyfriend. She cannot afford to assume others are going to support her the way she wants and everything will automatically turn out swell. The responsibility and decision-making are on HER shoulders. I hope she is really honest with herself about her aptitudes and abilities.

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      • juliecatharine

        juliecatharine April 24, 2015, 11:55 am

        I feel the need to jump in here. I wish nothing but the best for the LW and I think we can all agree that plenty of young parents do manage to pull it together for their baby but this pair doesn’t sound like they’re headed towards a better life anytime soon. Because of this I honestly don’t give a shit if adoption would be a major psychological hurdle for her. It almost certainly will be for any expectant mother. The LW’s regrets or lack thereof aren’t important–what matters is what’s best for the baby. Two dependent 19 year olds who work shit jobs or not at all, fight frequently, and can’t contribute financially or emotionally to the well being of a child have no business being parents. Sorry to be harsh but LW is able to make a choice, her baby doesn’t have that option. She needs to ovary up and give a worthy couple the most precious gift they will ever receive–even if it hurts, even if it hurts for a long time. LW, if you opt to keep this child, get off your ass and start running girl, you have a little life in your hands and he/she deserves a stable home.

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      • avatar

        booknerd April 24, 2015, 12:02 pm

        I totally agree with you, 100%, fuck their feelings.

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      • avatar

        Rangerchic April 24, 2015, 12:23 pm

        My sister gave her son up for adoption. She was 18/19 (can’t remember exactly) when he was born. I was there. I met the adoptive parents. It was emotionally draining and hard on my sister. It was a closed adoption. She did get pictures for a few years. Even though it was hard it was the best decision at the time. My sister is the least selfish person I know because she did this. She put her child first, not herself. She has moved on (though of course she will never forget), married, and had children with her now husband (who was not the father of the adopted baby…he left shortly after the baby was adopted). She thinks of him occasionally but still has no regrets. It can be done.

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      • avatar

        Sunshine Brite April 24, 2015, 12:45 pm

        Yes, my town growing up had a really high rate of teen pregnancy, one of the highest in the state for awhile and it was very obvious that the teens weren’t getting good information/access or better things to do than each other. None had any sort of long-term focus.
        .
        There are a few who turned into really devoted, responsible parents and some found really responsible step-parents for their kids. But it’s still a struggle for them with limited employment and school opportunities separating even from those who only waited until their early 20s.
        .
        Many continue to struggle. One nearer to my brother’s age is already a grandmother and her son, a teenage parent himself, has already been through chemical dependency treatment.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover April 27, 2015, 2:33 pm

        Dealing with terrible psychological effects may be part of the price she has to pay for her decisions, though. It’s not a good reason to not put a baby up for adoption if you can’t support it.

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  • bondbabe

    bondbabe April 24, 2015, 9:44 am

    Just…wow! What a sense of entitlement this one has, eh? WWS–apparently no one has ever given the LW the cold, hard truth; well, maybe the dude’s mom did, but the LW doesn’t like what she is hearing, so the mom is being mean and disrespectful. Boo-hoo. The LW was disrespectful (as was the son) by moving in to the mom’s house and then touting her minimal efforts, and then expecting everyone and everything to fall into place to suit the LW!! Please give that child up for adoption.

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  • avatar

    MissB April 24, 2015, 10:02 am

    Ok I had to take a minute to form rational thought on this one. First of all, why would you move in with your boyfriend AT HIS MOTHER’S HOUSE? Next, why would you allow yourself to get pregnant when you have a fast food job, live with your 19 year old idiot boyfriend, all under his mother’s roof. If I was his mom I’d kick both your asses out. People all over the world try to have children and can’t for a variety of reasons, yet people like you just pop them out without a care in the world. Glad you mentioned you are on WIC, glad your mooching is not only for his mother but for the millions of us who do actually work every single day to pay for those programs. Is is people like you who expect everyone else to do for them that is what is wrong with our youth of today you entitled brat.

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  • Ika

    Ika April 24, 2015, 10:11 am

    WWS x a zilion
    I wonder why the BFs mother isn´t too happy about the pregnancy? Maybe because LW and BF sound like immature kids playng house on mommy´s dime? Maybe because she knows it will just mean another mouth to feed?

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  • chief10

    chief10 April 24, 2015, 10:36 am

    I can’t believe the bf’s mom didnt’ just toss her to the curb from day one. I can’t imagine putting up with someone you obviously don’t want there in your house for that long of time. I kept yelling at you in my head to MOVE OUT throughout the entire letter. I’m glad you’re back at home with your family where hopefully, with the help of the advice of everyone here, grow yourself and find the best path for you and your child.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom April 24, 2015, 2:31 pm

      I’m surprised his mom let her stay so I’m assuming his mom isn’t good at setting boundaries. If my son tried to move someone into my house without permission I’d turn the someone around and send them out the door the moment I realized what they were doing. If it happened while I wasn’t home I’d give them about 30 minutes to get their stuff out of my house when I realized what they had done. If they didn’t get their stuff out they’d see my throwing it out. If they protested I’d call the sheriff. The bottom line is they wouldn’t spend the first night at my house without permission.

      If she moved in at the age of 17 she is probably coming from an unstable home herself and I doubt the grandmother of the baby will provide the stability a baby needs.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark April 24, 2015, 11:09 am

    Annnnd… it’d official.
    I am NOT pro-life.
    I am NOT pro-choice.
    I am PRO-ABORTION.
    .
    The LW cries and whine so about being…
    (waitforit) “disrespected.”
    .
    But — really? What is there possibly to respect here?
    .
    PS. Ugh. Just think how much better the world would be if 99% of the population miraculously justcsuddenly woke up barren. Eh, I’d weep for the future but no longer believe we have much of one anyway.

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    • Cassie

      Cassie April 26, 2015, 1:37 am

      I’m all for forced IUD’s, with the option to remove once they hit mid-20’s and have fully developed prefrontal cortexes.

      If I were to run for President, this would be my platform.

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  • avatar

    Jahaafincher April 24, 2015, 11:29 am

    BGM you always just know what to say;)
    .
    My mother was nothing like the LW when she got pregnant at 15. It was the 80’s. My grandma was Catholic. It was bad news bears all around. BUT she worked her ass off to become the best mother she could be without much support from her family. And honestly b*tch was a mediocre mother. Like I am adult now I get it her parents put some judgey shit in her head and they abused her so of course she beat me. BUT sometimes I think if she had waited maybe she would of had a better life. She was a straight A student. Maybe time would of given her perspective. Or, by having to have an abortion that young she would of gotten hellfire under her tookis and really suceeded in life.
    .
    All i know is that having been raised by a single mother who wasnt ready I dont recommend it. She tried and shit could of been worse. But, I say if you arent ready there is adoption, abortion, etc.
    .
    (My mom was told you cant get pregnant the first time you have sex. And didnt know much else because my family didnt want to ‘give her any ideas.’ )

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    • avatar

      SasLinna April 24, 2015, 11:33 am

      She’s 6 months pregnant, too late for an abortion. If it were an option I definitely would recommend it. But that ship has sailed.

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      • avatar

        Jahaafincher April 24, 2015, 11:40 am

        On for sure! I just meant for all people in this situation when it first happens. Yeah, nothing but adoption now:-/ but she seems so not ready for the sacrifices that are gonna be thrown her way in a few months time. Big frowny face.

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      • avatar

        booknerd April 24, 2015, 11:49 am

        I am pro choice, but why is an abortion a good idea if it was feasible but not adoption? Yes, I’ve also read many women suffer after giving their babies up, but would the baby and mom both have suffered if they hadn’t? And I mean, we can boo hoo the emotional trauma a mother would feel, but a child brought up in an environment with the kind of life it’s looking like this baby would have….that to me is what’s the greater wrong. She will be an adult soon, and can chalk this up to a big wake up call and learning experience that your actions have real, dire consequences. But to me, this LW actually never ever mentions the future unstable life she will offer her baby. Which to me means, she really isn’t even concerned or considering it. She’s worried about her BF’s mom disrespecting her, for F$&@?’s sake. Not her kid who will be arriving in 3 short months.
        Adoption! I doubt she’ll have THAT much trauma. She doesn’t seem to understand what her actions have led to.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna April 24, 2015, 12:08 pm

        I think abortion is far less traumatic than either adoption or trying to raise the kid yourself, that’s why I would consider it a good idea under the circumstances she was in.

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      • Monkeysmommy

        monkeys mommy April 24, 2015, 8:09 pm

        Are you a fucking headcase?? I sat through your RIDICULOUS remarks about adoption, which by the way sounded completely ignorant and uneducated, but I refuse to sit by and read the vomit you are spewing now. Don’t give a loving couple who cannot conceive a chance to be parents, oh no, that is wayyy too traumatic for the unwed, teenage mommy to be. But abortion? Oh hell yeah, bring it on, she will get over it! WTF??? Have you hit your damn head recently??

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      • avatar

        Tui April 24, 2015, 11:12 pm

        I think you are being unfair to SasLinna, there’s no need to call her a headcase because you disagree with some mild comments. Teen pregnancies aren’t stopping infertile couples having a baby. Just because we think adoption is the best option for this LW and other mums to be in less than ideal circumstances, doesn’t mean that it is what should happen. I work with pregnant women of all ages and some teens do completely change their game once the baby is born and they realise that they need to be responsible and have their own space and income to bring up their child.
        A lot of girls that give up their baby, even if it’s a family adoption, I see the next year pregnant again because they feel a void and loss and want a baby even more. And yes, most of them haven’t changed their attitudes, employment, living arrangements or anything that makes them better equipped to be a mother.
        I agree this LW is very immature and needs to grow up and make some plans instead of bitching about a household she doesn’t even live in anymore. Her boyfriend is probably relieved to get a break from the drama even though he is just as irresponsible and caused this situation.

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      • Monkeysmommy

        monkeys mommy April 25, 2015, 7:42 pm

        Yeah, funny, you were not telling BGM that he was being unfair, but I digress..
        *
        I do not think I am being unfair. What you think are “mild” comments I find rude and uneducated.

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      • avatar

        Unwanted_Truth April 27, 2015, 9:22 am

        Are you a fucking headcase = Rude and uneducated…just sayin’

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      • Monkeysmommy

        monkeys mommy April 27, 2015, 5:09 pm

        Definitely not, dear. Well… rude, maybe. I prefer blunt. Or honest. To the point, maybe? But definitely not uneducated. Although, I do find people who use “just sayin'” as a prop for their comment to be rather uneducated. Oh, dear, there I go just being blunt again!

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      • avatar

        gully April 24, 2015, 11:37 pm

        Nah, my abortion was definitely less traumatic than the adoption.

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  • mylaray

    mylaray April 24, 2015, 11:46 am

    I’m so sick of kids having kids. I feel like a hypocrite since I got pregnant at 16, but I also knew I couldn’t raise a child. And I certainly wasn’t expecting to depend on anyone else. Sadly, I don’t think much of this will get through to the LW. But LW, you’re the one being disrespectful here. Your bf’s mother doesn’t owe you anything. No one does. You do owe the child a chance at a better life whether that is through adoption or getting your shit together.

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  • avatar

    Jennylou April 24, 2015, 1:14 pm

    The things that stuck out most to me in this letter were the issues the LW has with respect and entitlement. LW, respect isn’t something you’re automatically entitled to; it’s something you have to earn. And from your own depiction of your story, I don’t see anything to respect. If you want your boyfriend’s mom to respect you, you need to earn it. Get off your butt and get a job. Find work at Wal-Mart or Target or a grocery store. Start supporting yourself. Figure out what in heck you are going to do to support your baby. How are you going to pay for diapers? Formula? Baby clothes? Baby food? Childcare? Groceries for both yourself and the baby? WIC will only help you a little, and it doesn’t cover diapers. Will your boyfriend be helping with these costs? Aside from him, absolutely nobody is required to help you with these things. You need to figure them out for yourself. If you continue coasting along through life expecting handouts, free food, a free place to live, free childcare, your boyfriend’s mom is never going to respect you. Neither is any decent man down the road who might otherwise have possibly been a good husband and stepdad. I’m sure it seems like everyone here is piling on you – but there is a reason. There’s a baby showing up soon. For his/her sake, you have GOT to get your life together and become a person worthy of respect.

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    • avatar

      Jennylou April 24, 2015, 1:19 pm

      P.S., I’m nearly 5 months pregnant. I suffered awful nausea in the first few months and did not miss a single day of work. I was working the equivalent of 2 jobs during those months and still am. Don’t let your pregnancy be an excuse to wuss out on daily life.

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      • avatar

        cleopatra jones April 24, 2015, 1:50 pm

        Heck, I worked in the ER when I was pregnant with my kid & I got the job when I was already pregnant.

        Talk about nauseous…some of the sights and smells in an ER are nausea-worthy when you aren’t pregnant.

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      • othy

        othy April 24, 2015, 2:28 pm

        Reminds me of my SIL. She’s a surgical technician, and would have to leave the OR, puke, scrub back in and get back to work.
        .
        Also, she’s now due any second 🙂

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      • avatar

        Erica April 24, 2015, 3:43 pm

        While I agree she needs to get things together, morning sickness can be really bad. I’m pregnant and had to take a leave cause of hyperemesis. I was so sick that I was hospitalized multiple times, ended up with a PICC line, and lost 10% of my bodyweight. I’m still on medication and probably will be till I give birth.

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      • avatar

        pebblesntrix April 25, 2015, 1:36 am

        I agree she shouldn’t have quit without having something else lined up. LW is immature and needs to change her mindset to that of being an adult who is fully responsible for the child and working to support that child fully. That being said, her job was in fast food and I think it might be a health hazard to have someone potentially set to vomit at any time around food being served to the public. But there’s no reason she can’t get a different kind of job.

        LW, emotionally you are functioning as a child. But you are in a very grown-up, adult situation. Serious, life-altering (for you, your child, your boyfriend, your parents, his parents–lots of people will be affected by how this plays out) decisions must be made and you have to grow up now and make them. If you need help doing that, talk to mature, experienced adults (not other 19-ish year old friends who don’t have the perspective and wisdom you need) to figure out your next steps.

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    • avatar

      pebblesntrix April 25, 2015, 1:38 am

      well said

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  • Stonegypsy

    Stonegypsy April 24, 2015, 1:25 pm

    This reminds me of my little brother and his girlfriend (who is 16 and knocked up). The whole situation makes me angry. LW, stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about the life you are bringing into this world. How are *you* going to take care of that child? Because that is your responsibility.
    I’m not surprised your boyfriends mom doesn’t respect you. Neither would I in her shoes. You moved in, apparently without really discussing it with her. You don’t work. You clean “as much as possible with the pregnancy” and cook “sometimes”. Dude, if you’re not working, you should at least take on all of the cleaning and cooking. At least. As it is, you’re living rent free with this woman, who probably never agreed to it, and doing the share of work that someone who pays for their own rent and groceries should be doing. You sound immature, bratty and entitled. Just stop. Figure out what the hell you are going to do to support yourself and the kid that apparently you’ve decided to keep for some reason. Even if you do end up staying with your mother, you need to find full time work and start contributing.
    Argh. I’m just rambling and repeating what everyone else has said here. But this letter made me so angry.

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  • avatar

    bostonpupgal April 24, 2015, 1:32 pm

    I have a question: where in the hell were the LW’s parents when she moved out at 16 years old?? If I had attempted to move in with a boyfriend at that age my parents would have broken the door down and dragged me home. What has changed now that suddenly she thinks she’s going to live happily with her parents in their house?

    LW, everything Wendy is saying to you is 100% correct. You have no job (and apparently refuse to get one), no place of your own to live, you’re existing on welfare, at best a high school education, a relationship where you fight all the time, and you somehow believe that your boyfriend’s mother is the one in the wrong for wanting you out when you’ve been mooching for nearly 4 years. I cannot understand the willful immaturity and irresponsibility of getting pregnant under those circumstances. You cannot provide for this baby, period. And you seem much too immature to hope to change that any time soon.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom April 24, 2015, 2:51 pm

    Your boyfriend’s mother knows just how much work and expense a baby is and she sees herself stuck with providing all of it if you stay in her house. In the same way that she provides a home for her son you will be expected to provide a home for your baby, in only three months. How are you planning to do that? Have you purchased any baby items? Have your priced them? Have you figured out how much the birth will cost? How will you pay for that? When you have a baby you don’t get days off, even if you are sick, even if you are nauseous, even if you are broke, even if you are homeless. Before the baby is born you will need a car seat. They don’t let the baby leave the hospital unless it goes into a car seat for the ride home.
    .
    Your question seems to be how to get his mom to let you move back into her house. I assume that’s what you are asking. The answer is you don’t. You have no right to live in her house and now that you are an adult you have no right to live in your mom’s house if she should decide to kick you out. At age 19 it is assumed that you can support yourself and any children that you have. You need to get a job. There are jobs at grocery stores, gas stations, department stores, cleaning jobs, etc. Then look at your income and figure out how much of it you will need to spend on the baby every two weeks. How much on diapers and formula and clothes and baby wipes and baby shampoo, etc. Then see what is left. What is left is what you get to live on. When the baby is born make sure that your boyfriend comes to the hospital and signs the birth certificate. That makes him as financially responsible for the baby as you are. If the two of you love each other enough to live together you will both work full time jobs and save your money and find a place to rent that is your own home. If you want to live together badly enough you will manage to make it happen. If it can only happen because his mom provides you a home then it isn’t enough for real life.

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  • juliecatharine

    juliecatharine April 24, 2015, 2:57 pm

    And LW, I know reading this is probably pretty rough. Remember this truly is tough love. You obviously didn’t get off to an easy start if you moved in with a guy you didn’t know at 16. Look at what your life is right now. Is this what you want for your life? For the life of your child? Is it what you wished for as a kid? You are at a crossroads young lady, one that will determine your future and that of an innocent baby. If you are not ready to do your absolute best to give your child every advantage you can, then please give him or her to a couple who is ready, waiting, and praying for the opportunity to do so. Nobody expects perfection from you but this needs to be your wake up call. If you decide to keep this baby you need to have a job within a week and an appointment with a social worker by tomorrow. There is no time to waste. Your marathon started six months ago and you need to get started.

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    • juliecatharine

      juliecatharine April 24, 2015, 2:59 pm

      Why am I using running analogies today?

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  • Monkeysmommy

    monkeys mommy April 24, 2015, 7:49 pm

    I havent even read the other comments yet, but I could not wait to chime in!

    *
    You know what LW, I am going to help you place some of the blame on your boyfriend’s mother; what fucked up woman in her right mind allows some 19 year old who happens to be screwing her son move into her house?? Where the hell was her backbone?? Why the hell she did not set your shit on the curb and change the locks, I will never understand.
    *
    Obviously I am being facetious here; you are a spoiled, moronic twit LW. It is no one’s fault but your own you are in this position. I was 19 and pregnant once too (18 actually!)- guess where I lived? With my mom? Hell no. My boyfriend? Fuck that. No, LW, I lived in my OWN place that i paid for with my OWN money. And why the hell were you “living with him from the start” if your own mom was willing to put up with you? No shit your bf’s mom does not like you. I dont even KNOW you, and I dont like you! Put that poor baby up for adoption so that a loving family can give that child a chance you cannot.

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  • avatar

    Suzanne April 25, 2015, 3:19 pm

    What I see here is a self fulfilling prophecy. Teenage welfare mother gives birth. Baby is the everyday victim of an uneducated, jobless twit living off the taxpayers. She has no clue how to be a parent. She neglects baby, boyfriends come and go. Baby grows up to be an uneducated, unemployed welfare recipient. Gives birth to more uneducated, unemployed, dependent humans. And on and on we go. LW: do this baby a favor and give this child the greatest gift a mother can give; … a baby — to a financially secure, educated couple that will break the cycle of poverty and ignorance. You’ll have earned a special place in heaven for being smart enough to recognize, you can’t possibly give this child, what he/she needs.

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