I am now six months pregnant and I’ve been feeling a lot of negative energy coming from my boyfriend’s mother lately. A few nights ago she was upset at something her son did and she took it out on me! She was threatening to kick me out, and she says she doesn’t care where I end up. She says she is disappointed with me for “applauding” her son’s misbehavior. (He may do something stupid that we’ll laugh about, but he knows it was dumb and wrong for him to do and it’s not my fault). She has also called me “ungrateful,” “a spoiled brat,” “dirty,” and a “slob.” It’s bothersome, but I don’t want my boyfriend to see the two women he loves argue, so I don’t say anything back.
Everyone in the house works except for me; I quit my job because working with fast food made me nauseous all the time. But while everyone is working, I’m cleaning around the house. I help out as much as possible with my pregnancy; I don’t lie around all day and do nothing. I even cook sometimes! I receive WIC and even bring food to the house.
My boyfriend and I will argue and fight, but we’ll be all good again within two minutes. She doesn’t understand our relationship, but she butts in anyways. She said I use him and walk all over him, but he completely disagreed with her! Today she told him in front of me that she is sorry for him that I am pregnant. She has become very disrespectful and her comments are unacceptable. She doesn’t even want me around him, so I packed up all my things and moved back with my mom. Before I left, my boyfriend’s mom told me, “Don’t ever come back.” I don’t know what to do. — Pregnant and Alone
Why are you having a baby? You’re 19 years old, you don’t have a job, you don’t have your own home, you have a boyfriend who sounds immature (as do you), and in your whole letter you said nothing about your plans for motherhood or the future. So, why are you having a baby? Simply because you got pregnant? That’s not a good enough reason. You are in no position to raise a child. You’re the kind of person who quits a job because she’s nauseous during pregnancy when, like, 80% of pregnant women are nauseous regardless of where they work, and then who whines that the person you’re living with rent-free is mean to you even though you sometimes bring food home that you bought with taxpayer’s money because you can’t be bothered to work and earn your own money to buy food and other necessities. (For the record, I think government assistance is a necessary and wonderful thing when used appropriately, but not when an able-bodied 19-year-old quits her job because she just doesn’t feel like going anymore).
And, please, stop with the “I help out as much as possible with my pregnancy.” You’re six months along. You know what other women around the world who are six months pregnant manage to do? Run businesses, perform surgeries, raise their families, teach classrooms full of students, wait on customers for 12-hour shifts, help other women deliver babies, cook every day (not just sometimes), drive city buses, walk miles for fresh water, do stand-up, practice law, run for office, run races, and work full-time even while nauseous and achy and fighting heartburn and dealing with all the other bullshit that pops up in adults’ everyday lives because life doesn’t fucking stop just because you’re knocked up. And I’m six months pregnant, so I know this intimately. I am living this right now. And it enrages me that you are using pregnancy as an excuse to, let’s be honest, probably lie around quite a bit, because how long do you really spend “cleaning around the house” when the rest of your household is out earning money to help keep a roof over your head?
When you are living in someone’s home, someone who didn’t even invite you to move in and who doesn’t want you to be there, you don’t get to whine that the situation isn’t up to your liking. If you want a more comfortable living environment, get a job, earn some money, and rent your own damn apartment. Until you can do the basics of caring for and supporting yourself, I don’t see how you can even entertain the thought of mothering a child. You have three months to make some plans to provide better opportunities for your child. Please don’t waste that time musing over why your boyfriend’s mother doesn’t welcome you in her home with open arms.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.