But the next day, I discovered to my shock that I was already pregnant by him – we had another accident just a couple of weeks after the miscarriage. I told him, and he was also shocked. He kept minimum contact (occasional “how are you?” texts) for a month, and brought some things around twice, but each time looked awkward, and, although he hugged and kissed me, he didn’t stay more than 30 minutes.
I really want him back, and I am prepared to work through his commitment issues. We’ve been apart seven weeks now, and I’m 3 months pregnant. I felt we were making progress when his texts became more regular two weeks ago, and he put a kiss “x” on them once more. I asked him to the pregnancy scan, and he came with me yesterday, he held my hand through it, and we had a very open talk afterwards where we told each other about our fears and feelings about the pregnancy, talking about how we might cope with looking after the baby. But then the bombshell…he told me he is dating someone — a friend of his ex-wife’s — who’s 27 years old. They’ve been dating four weeks — got together 2-3 weeks after we split — when he knew I was pregnant but was avoiding me. He hasn’t told her I’m pregnant, and he is scared of her reaction. He says it’s “early days” and they may not last – he seemed uncertain already.
Is this a rebound relationship? He dumped me and we were only together five months, but I think he has unresolved issues about the breakup and pregnancy that I’m just starting to get him to open up to. I read advice about keeping my distance in order to make him come back. But I want him to get more involved in the pregnancy, not detached from it, so I kind of feel that we need to build more contact and not less, even though he has this new girl on the scene. And the baby’s due in six months.
Please advise me how best to handle this situation to give me the best chance of having a relationship again with him. — Pregnant with My Ex
Forgive me, but I have a really hard time believing that a 41-year-old woman who wants a child is calling two pregnancies in the scope of five months “accidents.” Of course, it’s not an impossibility, but it just seems so unlikely. It’s hard to imagine that a woman who wants to have a kid and has, at best, a couple fertile years left, is trying really hard not to get pregnant. And if I’m right, and this pregnancy isn’t so much an “accident” as it is a successful ploy on your part, shame on you. And shame on you for using the pregnancy to try to win back your ex.
Your ex doesn’t want to be with you. More than that, it sounds like he doesn’t want to be a father either. Of course, he doesn’t have a choice now. What’s done is done, so let’s just hope for your child’s sake he steps up to the plate and assumes some responsibility. And for your child’s sake, you need to work on maintaining a stable relationship with this man, keeping the lines of communication open, and making him feel welcome to be part of both the pregnancy and the parenting without smothering him with your desire to be his partner.
This is no longer about you or about you and him. This is about the child you’re bringing into this world and what’s best for him or her. And what’s best is for him to have at least one parent who is devoted to his well-being. And since you can’t really count on your ex to step up, you need to be 100% devoted and fill the role of both mother and father. And you can’t do that if you’re putting all this energy into manipulating an ex to come back you — and using stupid tactics like “keeping your distance in order to make him come back” is manipulation and, for the record, so is deliberately getting pregnant.
Your ex has already told you he isn’t good at relationships. His failed 1-year marriage is proof that he has commitment issues — seriously, who leaves a 1-year marriage because the “spark” is gone? Fucking take another year to try to get it back — it’s your marriage, not a faulty firecracker. Trying to not only get this guy back, but to also turn him into the family man he has made clear he doesn’t want to be, is a waste of time and energy. Just be happy you got a pregnancy out of this short-lived relationship before your fertile days were over. And turn your focus now on being the best mother you can be.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].