Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I’m Pregnant With My Ex’s Baby”

Pregnancy test

I was with my ex-boyfriend for five months, during which time I got pregnant by accident but then had a miscarriage. This was a roller coaster of emotions for us (I’m age 41, he’s 36), but the relationship seemed good. I realized that I want a family and told him that. At first, he seemed cool with that and promised he’d stand by me if I did get pregnant again, but one night I expressed my desire a little too strongly, and I reckon it brought up his commitment issues. (He has a failed one-year marriage behind him, no kids –the marriage failed due to “loss of spark”/ “going through the motions”). A few days after “the talk” I know he went to a party and was around a lot of his single friends, and shortly after that he broke up with me, saying he can’t give me what I want (a child), and that he felt the spark had gone and he wasn’t good in relationships. I was devastated.

But the next day, I discovered to my shock that I was already pregnant by him – we had another accident just a couple of weeks after the miscarriage. I told him, and he was also shocked. He kept minimum contact (occasional “how are you?” texts) for a month, and brought some things around twice, but each time looked awkward, and, although he hugged and kissed me, he didn’t stay more than 30 minutes.

I really want him back, and I am prepared to work through his commitment issues. We’ve been apart seven weeks now, and I’m 3 months pregnant. I felt we were making progress when his texts became more regular two weeks ago, and he put a kiss “x” on them once more. I asked him to the pregnancy scan, and he came with me yesterday, he held my hand through it, and we had a very open talk afterwards where we told each other about our fears and feelings about the pregnancy, talking about how we might cope with looking after the baby. But then the bombshell…he told me he is dating someone — a friend of his ex-wife’s — who’s 27 years old. They’ve been dating four weeks — got together 2-3 weeks after we split — when he knew I was pregnant but was avoiding me. He hasn’t told her I’m pregnant, and he is scared of her reaction. He says it’s “early days” and they may not last – he seemed uncertain already.

Is this a rebound relationship? He dumped me and we were only together five months, but I think he has unresolved issues about the breakup and pregnancy that I’m just starting to get him to open up to. I read advice about keeping my distance in order to make him come back. But I want him to get more involved in the pregnancy, not detached from it, so I kind of feel that we need to build more contact and not less, even though he has this new girl on the scene. And the baby’s due in six months.

Please advise me how best to handle this situation to give me the best chance of having a relationship again with him. — Pregnant with My Ex

Forgive me, but I have a really hard time believing that a 41-year-old woman who wants a child is calling two pregnancies in the scope of five months “accidents.” Of course, it’s not an impossibility, but it just seems so unlikely. It’s hard to imagine that a woman who wants to have a kid and has, at best, a couple fertile years left, is trying really hard not to get pregnant. And if I’m right, and this pregnancy isn’t so much an “accident” as it is a successful ploy on your part, shame on you. And shame on you for using the pregnancy to try to win back your ex.

Your ex doesn’t want to be with you. More than that, it sounds like he doesn’t want to be a father either. Of course, he doesn’t have a choice now. What’s done is done, so let’s just hope for your child’s sake he steps up to the plate and assumes some responsibility. And for your child’s sake, you need to work on maintaining a stable relationship with this man, keeping the lines of communication open, and making him feel welcome to be part of both the pregnancy and the parenting without smothering him with your desire to be his partner.

This is no longer about you or about you and him. This is about the child you’re bringing into this world and what’s best for him or her. And what’s best is for him to have at least one parent who is devoted to his well-being. And since you can’t really count on your ex to step up, you need to be 100% devoted and fill the role of both mother and father. And you can’t do that if you’re putting all this energy into manipulating an ex to come back you — and using stupid tactics like “keeping your distance in order to make him come back” is manipulation and, for the record, so is deliberately getting pregnant.

Your ex has already told you he isn’t good at relationships. His failed 1-year marriage is proof that he has commitment issues — seriously, who leaves a 1-year marriage because the “spark” is gone? Fucking take another year to try to get it back — it’s your marriage, not a faulty firecracker. Trying to not only get this guy back, but to also turn him into the family man he has made clear he doesn’t want to be, is a waste of time and energy. Just be happy you got a pregnancy out of this short-lived relationship before your fertile days were over. And turn your focus now on being the best mother you can be.

***************

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

108 comments… add one
  • avatar

    bethany March 28, 2013, 9:05 am

    omg. I can’t even finish reading this. You’re 41 years old and you’re acting like a teenager. This guy doesn’t want to be with you in the same way you want to be with him. It’s blatantly obvious.

    I feel like I say this all the time, but ladies, please listen up– Not all men are looking for a long term committed relationship. They really aren’t. I promise you.

    If you want a long term committed relationship/marriage, make sure you are actively seeking out partners who want the same thing you do. Why is this so hard for everyone to understand?!?

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    • avatar

      bethany March 28, 2013, 9:09 am

      Now that I’ve finished reading… LW, the only type of relationship you should have with this guy is a co-parenting one. That’s it. You need to push your romantic feelings for him aside, and get ready to work with him so that you can give your baby the best life possible. It’s also worth noting that since this guy is the father of your baby, he’s going to be around for a loooong time, so you’d better get used to him bringing new girls around pretty fast, because it seems like short term relationships are his thing.

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    • avatar

      pamplemousse March 28, 2013, 2:08 pm

      I know there was a long discussion about this on a thread not too long ago (one in which the vast majority said that they feel pregnant women have a moral responsibility to tell the father about the pregnancy regardless of the situation), BUT this is honestly the kind of situation in which I would keep it to myself. The guy already said he didn’t want to be with you and that he did not want children.

      Totally off-topic comment but if I were the LW, I wouldn’t have told him in the first place. May not be a popular opinion but that’s my 2 cents.

      In terms of the situation at hand, I would advise the LW to not push the ex’s involvement in the pregnancy. If he wants to be involved, he will, but more likely than not he won’t be too into it (since his words and actions have said that much) and you should be prepared with a lawyer and a custody order once the baby is born.

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary March 28, 2013, 9:11 am

    First, WWS! Second “Please advise me how best to handle this situation to give me the best chance of having a relationship again with him.”…..Are you forreal? You are 41 years old and you are worrying about how to get back with this guy (who frankly sounds like a manchild) instead of, oh, I don’t know, how to care for your baby as a single mother!? He doesn’t want to be with you! You can’t “work through his commitment issues” for him, he doesn’t want to work through them. He’s fine with being non-committal. He doesn’t want to date you. He doesn’t want to marry you. He most likely doesn’t want to be a father either. Let him know you will welcome him into the baby’s life but stop putting pressure on him to date you. Focus on getting your finances and household in order before this baby comes.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle March 28, 2013, 9:18 am

    LW yeah, I’m sorry, but you can’t force this guy into having a relationship with you. His one-year marriage that failed because “the spark was gone” should’ve been a clue that he wasn’t into the whole LTR thing.

    With that said, it sounds like he’s at least trying to be with you somewhat during the pregnancy. That’s good. You’ll want to nurture his willingness to do that—not play games in order to win him back. Keep him involved as a parent & give up on the whole “having a relationship again with him” idea. Maybe it’ll happen; maybe it won’t. Just keep following your instinct of keeping in contact & maintaining his involvement. Forget about this other girl he’s dating, & worry about the child you have on the way.

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  • avatar

    csp March 28, 2013, 9:18 am

    Seriously! Of course there are unresolved issues. It is the baby you are carrying! duh!

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  • avatar

    Diana March 28, 2013, 9:21 am

    I just hope for your child’s sake that you are a hell of a lot more responsible and adult than you sound. Stop, stop, stop putting energy into trying to win this man who doesn’t love you back, and start putting your energies toward preparing to be the best mother you can. Wendy’s words are spot-on.

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  • avatar

    Miss Terri March 28, 2013, 9:21 am

    So sad…. PLEASE listed to what Wendy said! You are setting yourself up for alot of pain and heartbreak. Have you ever heard the term “baby mama”? Of course you have! And that’s exactly what you are – and you are already trying to scheme to have “baby mama drama”. Stop acting like a teenager and accept responsibility for your actions.

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  • katie

    katie March 28, 2013, 9:23 am

    ok, im sorry, but im just going to say this now: not everyone is destined to have a husband/wife with a white picket fence and 2.5 kids. not everyone in this world is destined, or really should for that matter, have children. not every needs to be married. there are other ways to go about your life, other fulfilling things to do with it. i will never understand the fixation on marriage and kids to the point where people are willing to entrap with pregnancies or spend every last penny. i just dont get it. sometimes its just not meant for you. that is ok. that doesnt mean your life isnt worth living or that your arent worth it or anything. sometimes we all just need to accept the hand that life has dealt us.

    it makes me so sick when anyone, women or men, are willing to so completely manipulate a situation so that their dream life materializes. its disgusting. and their dream life is never even what they wanted! if this guy magically decided to be committed to you, you know what would happen? he would leave you, divorce you, after a most likely short and terrible marriage. that is hardly a good life. but, for whatever reason, you have a potential baby and a potential husband so all is well and good right now… ugh. you have brought another life into your shitty situation, LW, and i hope you learn real quick how to stop manipulating, if you ever want to have a real relationship with your child.

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    • avatar

      jill March 28, 2013, 10:34 am

      “it makes me so sick when anyone, women or men, are willing to so completely manipulate a situation so that their dream life materializes. its disgusting. and their dream life is never even what they wanted!”

      Very well said!

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  • avatar

    MISS MJ March 28, 2013, 9:30 am

    To recap: Your boyfriend dumped you after a miscarriage because he wasn’t ready for a relationship or children, and, even after you told him you were pregnant again, he fell off the face of the earth (“But he texted!” doesn’t count for anything when you’re discussing a baby!), and he started dating someone else, who he hasn’t even told about this baby. And you think that your biggest concern right now is whether or not his new relationship is a “rebound” and how you can “get him back.”

    Seriously? No. Just no. You’re 41 years old and it’s well past time you started acting like it. Your biggest concern right now is that you’re about to be a single parent to that baby you clearly hoped to trap this man with, and he wants exactly no part of it. Or of you. And that’s that. You may be able to get child support from him, and if you’re very lucky, he will take some interest in your child’s life. But, I wouldn’t hold my breath. And, regardless of whether he steps up for his child, he isn’t going to take any further romantic interest in you. If he were, he wouldn’t have left you knowing that you were pregnant and moved on to someone else. So, focus on your child and making sure you are in a position to provide him or her a stable, loving environment. That is your priority now. Your juvenile and, frankly, desperate sounding, relationship issues just took a backseat.

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl March 28, 2013, 9:33 am

    So yesterday I was watching an episode of Dr. Phil with 3 couples who “tricked” their spouse into marrying them by getting pregnant. Yeah…it doesn’t work out.

    2 accidental pregnancies with in 5 months at the age of 41? I do not buy it for a minute. Get your shit together, put your big girl pants on, and get ready to raise this baby and co-parent with this man. Draft up custody agreements, child support payments, etc etc.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl March 28, 2013, 9:35 am

      And don’t get pregnant again!

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      • Brown-eyed NoVA Girl

        Brown-eyed NoVA Girl March 28, 2013, 10:59 am

        More like… Keep your big girl pants ON.

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    • niki

      Niki March 28, 2013, 10:23 am

      Totally watched that episode too! I have an unhealthy relationship to all things Dr. Phil. I DVR old episodes on OWN. It’s a sickness really.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl March 28, 2013, 10:31 am

        I was watching it on OWN! I wanted to slap every single person in the episode! Of course lying about taking the pill so you can get pregnant will fix everything! Sleeping with your wife while she is asleep is TOTES normal. WTF. Perfect examples of how NOT to live your life.

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      • avatar

        BreezyAM April 25, 2013, 9:18 pm

        dude if he can sleep with his wife and she sleeps through it there’s waaaay bigger probs than the kid issue

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  • avatar

    Anna March 28, 2013, 9:40 am

    Why do you even want to have a relationship with this immature boy? The only thing you should be pursuing from him is child support after you have the baby. Co-parenting would be great but it doesn’t sound like he’s very responsible or mature so I’d bet money that he won’t be there emotionally for you or the child. I would just prepare to be a single mother right now if I were you. No relationship worth having includes “keeping your distance to make him come back” or any other bullshit mind games.

    Please re-evaluate your priorities. You have a child on the way who will be completely dependent on you. You have 6 months to get your shit together before you become a mom. Having a relationship with this douchebag should be the last thing on your mind, especially when he’s so clearly moved on from you. And in the future, use birth control.

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    • avatar

      ktfran March 28, 2013, 9:46 am

      I disagree that his guy is a douchebag. He told her exactly who he was – a guy who has hang ups and doesn’t want a serious relationship – and she didn’t listen. That’s on her. Not him. And it actually sounds like he’s warming up to the idea of doing the right thing by going with her to a dr’s appointment.

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      • FireStar

        FireStar March 28, 2013, 11:02 am

        Completely agree with you – the guy was up-front and honest about what he wanted – or more particularly what he didn’t want – the woman was manipulative and deceptive and only focused on her wants at the peril of everything else. Unforgivably selfish. I feel for the guy but this is why you need to be responsible for your own birth control…particularly when there has already been an “accident”. Even now her focus is on getting him to date her again rather than how best to structure a life for her unborn child. There is no relationship to salvage with this man other than that of some type of co-parent.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl March 28, 2013, 10:02 am

      She doesn’t exactly seem to be the most marture individual either.

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      • avatar

        oldie March 28, 2013, 10:27 am

        Yes, he wants the life he wants and he couldn’t have made that any clearer to her. The bad person in this relationship is the LW. She deliberately got pregnant twice to achieve her goal at his expense and has been using and manipulating him. This is awful behavior. You can’t build a relationship on this sort of deceit. Of course he doesn’t want to get back together with her. He doesn’t like commitment and he now knows how she has abused him. He’s trapped into being a father, but he doens’t need to be a husband. Although he doesn’t have a choice legally, she should consider herself lucky that he has stepped up to future fatherhood as much as he has. If she wants that to stop, the best way to do it is to keep trying to nudge him back into a romantic relationship. He has a gf. Her behavior throughout this whole scenario is totally selfish and rather unethical. If she was that desperate to get pregnant, there are anonymous sperm donors. The level of maturity that she is showing at age 41 makes me concerned for her child to be.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray March 28, 2013, 11:42 am

      The only immature thing I read was him not wearing a condom, at least twice, and probably the whole relationship. Otherwise, he seemed to be honest about what he wants, what he doesn’t want, what he can handle, etc. I can’t call him immature because he doesn’t want the same things as this LW.

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  • avatar

    ktfran March 28, 2013, 9:41 am

    This letter makes me sad. I’m not sad for the LW, because frankly, I think she did this to herself. I’m sad for the unborn child.

    LW, this dude clearly doesn’t want a long term relationship with you. Both his words and actions are telling you this. He is offering some niceties, but it’s not because he wants to marry you. It’s because he’s probably not a bad guy and is concerned a little bit for the baby.

    Work on yourself and prepare for life with baby then child. And please don’t teach her to chase men. Teach her that she could do and be whoever she wants and whatever life she chooses is ok. Women of the world, you DO NOT need a man to make your life complete. You just don’t.

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  • avatar

    Sophronisba March 28, 2013, 9:44 am

    This guy will never be the partner you want and probably not a reliable dad either – commitment is not his thing. It isn’t your job to fix him or to work on his issues or do anything else that starts with “he” or “his”. Shift your focus to what is your responsibility, which is planning for this child by taking parenting classes, setting up your support system, investigating nannies or daycares for when you go back to work, eating well and taking care of yourself, etc. This is your job now.

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    Iwannatalktosampson March 28, 2013, 9:50 am

    “I really want him back, and I am prepared to work through his commitment issues. ”

    Well that’s neat, but is he willing to work through them? It seems not.

    And no, two pregnancies back to back are not accidental.

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  • avatar

    trixy minx March 28, 2013, 10:08 am

    How are you always getting pregnant? Does this guy not use a condom??

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    • avatar

      oldie March 28, 2013, 10:30 am

      Likely she assured him she was on the pill/IUD and encouraged him not to use a condom at least part of the time. The guy was too trusting of her truthfullness. His fatal error was saying he’d stand by her if she got pregnant again. That was all the encouragement she needed.

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  • Lindsay

    Lindsay March 28, 2013, 10:08 am

    You’re treating this like it was a years-long relationship. It wasn’t. You were together for five months, which is barely long enough for a couple to decide they want to be exclusive, much less have a family together. He knew that, and he knew he didn’t want to have a baby with you, so he broke up with you (no, it wasn’t his “single friends” who caused that). When he said he’d “stand by you,” it was a reassurance after you both went through a scary experience, not a desire to get married and have babies. His attempts at keeping in contact with you are likely just because he knows he’s obligated to, as the father of your baby, not because he’s working through some issues or trying to get back together. It’s what people do. So is going to OB/GYN appointments. (Not to mention that measuring someone’s interest in you by texts is completely useless.)

    Anyway, he’s dating someone else because you two are not in a relationship. Just because you’re having his baby doesn’t mean he’s going to get back together with you or wants to try. You’re overthinking this, too. I doubt he has deep unresolved issues. He got a woman pregnant that he doesn’t want to be with, and that sucks for all of you. You need to stop plotting over how to get him back and think more about how you’re going to raise the child as a single mom and how you guys are going to interact as parents. Your romantic relationship with him is over. Time to move on.

    (Also, as I dated a guy who lied to me about his ex’s pregnancy, I hope he tells his new lady friend so she can run for the hills from this situation.)

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  • avatar

    Kate March 28, 2013, 10:09 am

    Wow, imagine if this idiot was your mother? It makes me sad to think of the influence she will have on a kid. I feel like people completely forget that they are bringing a person into the world, not just getting a baby because they want it. And now this little person is going to be raised by a moron who makes horrible choices, and a dude who doesn’t really care. Great.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary March 28, 2013, 10:20 am

      Yup, another example of why people should have to pass a test or get a license to breed before they can have children.

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      • avatar

        Kate March 28, 2013, 10:24 am

        Seriously. My parents got married young and planned on waiting 10 years or something to have kids, but then they messed up and had 2. My whole life I’ve felt like they should have been more careful. Honestly, if I had the choice, I would rather not have been born. I mean, fine, since I’m here, I make the best of it and live as well as I can, but I did not ask to be here. Life is hard enough with regular parents who are dedicated to raising you right. It’s got to be so much worse if your mom is a total dipshit.

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  • avatar

    TECH March 28, 2013, 10:09 am

    I interpreted this letter a little differently than Wendy. I don’t think the LW tried to “trick” her boyfriend into getting pregnant. She said, “I realized that I want a family and told him that. At first, he seemed cool with that and promised he’d stand by me if I did get pregnant again.” I think she realizes her biological clock is ticking and decided, “Yes, I do want a child!” And so they stopped using protection with a “let’s see what happens” mentality. She probably thought it was unlikely she would get pregnant again but was very open to it happening again.
    I agree with everyone else that she should stop pursuing him for a relationship.
    Yes, ideally, you want your child to have two parents that are together. But it’s up to this guy to step up to the plate, and he’s not. And there’s no way she can make him.

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    • avatar

      oldie March 28, 2013, 10:33 am

      Umm, no. Even told from as self-friendly perspective as this serial liar can manage in her letter, there is no evidence that her former bf agreed to ‘go for it’. Clearly, he was tricked by LW.

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      • avatar

        Lindsay March 28, 2013, 11:06 am

        Yeah, he doesn’t sound like he would have been open to a baby with her. All his response indicated to me was that he was trying to reassure her that he would support the baby, if it happened again. That’s a lot different from saying you want a family with a woman you’ve only been dating for five months, especially if you are supposedly afraid of commitment.

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  • avatar

    mf March 28, 2013, 10:18 am

    I can’t wait to hear what BGM has to say about this one.

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    • FireStar

      FireStar March 28, 2013, 11:26 am

      I’m guessing the rage has rendered him speechless.

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      • avatar

        FancyPants March 28, 2013, 12:38 pm

        He probably broke his keyboard out of anger while typing, and that’s why we haven’t heard from him yet. At least I hope it’s that and this letter wasn’t “The Big One” that gave him a full on stroke.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. March 28, 2013, 10:23 am

    The only thing I have to say is make sure you get child support payments from this guy. It sounds like that’s the only kind of relationship you will get from him. If you have a job that will allow you to support the kid on your own, great. Bank the payments. There’s no such thing as having too much money for your child’s future.

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  • avatar

    Amanda March 28, 2013, 10:28 am

    Well LW, you should be prepared to be a single parent because trying to trap your ex-boyfriend by “accidentally” getting pregnant is a shitty thing to do to someone. It really is. I hope that in the next few months you grow the fuck up because you are going to be someone’s parent and that comes with tremendous responsibility. I’m sorry for being harsh, but you brought this on yourself by acting foolishly and irresponsibly (you are 41 years old, not 16).

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  • avatar

    painted_lady March 28, 2013, 10:35 am

    Holy hell, woman. You’re three months pregnant. The *last* thing you should be worried about is how you can get the boy you like to ask you out, even if he is your baby daddy (I know some people dislike this term because it’s trashy, but this woman isn’t quite Emily Post).

    Also, asking how you can get someone who has already rejected you to want you again is…well, that’s nuts. Dumping is a unilateral decision. Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean there’s anything you can or should do about it.

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  • meadowphoenix

    meadowphoenix March 28, 2013, 10:51 am

    The two of you sound really stupid, tbh. You ex sounds stupid because “stand by you if you get pregnant” sounds like he thinks babies happen if you wish enough, and he has no control over it. No, it sounds like he didn’t want to wear a condom and was hoping there would be no consequences. You sound stupid because it sounds less like you want a baby, and more like you want a mom/dad/kid fantasy, and you thought having a baby would clue some “family!” nerve in his body. That’s not how it works.

    Work on being the best parent you can be. Seriously, there are so many considerations to having a baby that you need to be sure of when the little one comes. Work on having the best parental relationship you could have with the father. Let the rest go.

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  • avatar

    cdobbs March 28, 2013, 10:54 am

    LW…i’m sorry your hurting right now…rejection hurts (i know i have been in your shoes many times)…believe this: the sooner you get over this man, the sooner you can move on with your life and focus on your new baby…this is a new and exciting time in your life (you are going to be a mother!)….so forget your ex (he is not worth another thought!) and focus on the future that you and your baby have…all the best for you 🙂

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  • avatar

    SweetPeaG March 28, 2013, 11:05 am

    I question the specifics of these “accidents”. Is it really that hard to NOT get pregnant? Not in my experience. I know that in some cases, these things happen… but, for the most part, if you get pregnant without meaning to, you’re probably not being THAT careful. If this is a case of you “forgetting” pills, you’re a dope and probably meant to get pregnant. If this is a case of both of you saying “whatever” about using condoms regularly, you’re both dopes. Even in my very happy & stable relationship, I don’t take chances until we’re both in agreement that it is time to try.

    However, it seems that you’ve wanted to have a baby for a while… so you CAN turn this situation around and make your future life a pretty happy one. Don’t focus on having a relationship with this guy. That ship has sailed! But, that is just fine! Guess why? This new baby is the love of your life!! Do your best to make sure this guy has a role in your child’s life. But, keep in mind that this wasn’t his dream… he may not be the parent you want him to be, but he was up front with you about that. You be the parent you want yourself to be. And your life can be full of newfound joy.

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  • avatar

    beth March 28, 2013, 11:10 am

    I have a friend who did this to a guy – and guess what! he did not take her back. He actually ignored her throughout most of the pregnancy and got married to someone else when the kids (twins) were 6 months old.

    You CANNOT keep a man through deceit. You CANNOT keep a man by trapping him through pregnancy. If he really wanted to work it out with you, as soon as you told him you were preggo, he would have dropped the other gal and been knocking on your door.

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  • avatar

    6napkinburger March 28, 2013, 11:16 am

    Letters like these make me convinced that Wendy is doing some whacko editing of the letters to make people sound more delusional than they are. I mean, I know she isn’t, but I still can’t quite understand how people cobble letters like this together.

    I, unlike a bunch of others, am not going to condemn you for getting pregnant. Maybe you wanted to trap him, maybe you just wanted a “last chance” at a baby — whatever. There are better ways to do it (artificial insemination, for sure) but whatever, now you get to have the baby you wanted to have. Yay! so get excited about it, you are having a baby! But you are having that baby alone and you should start getting ok with it. Because it is happening.

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    • avatar

      ktfran March 28, 2013, 12:16 pm

      Actually, my friend looked into artifical insemination and it’s super expensive. And they put you through a lot of testing, etc. Also, single women can’t adopt unless they’re super rich. Or, it’s really hard for a single woman to adopt. So, the most economical way to go about having a baby if you really want one is to get knocked up by some dude. And I’m NOT advocating doing this. I’m just stating a reality.

      Also, don’t get knocked up thinking you can keep or start a relationship. That doesn’t work either.

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  • landygirl

    landygirl March 28, 2013, 11:18 am

    Is this letter for real? Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding. Sorry if that’s harsh but I have little patience for stupidity today.

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  • avatar

    shanshantastic March 28, 2013, 11:22 am

    This letter pisses me off on so many levels…LW, grow the eff up and take the good advice that other, more patient souls have already given you. And please for the love of God don’t model this level of immaturity for your child.

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  • avatar

    6napkinburger March 28, 2013, 11:27 am

    Also, does this make anyone else fearful of their own fertility (or lack there of)? I’m 28 and, though I was on the pill for roughly 13 years (until last year, when I got an IUD), I had some forgetful days and made some pretty stupid decisions in the heat of the moment. And yet, no mistakes, no scares, no oops. But this 41 year old can have an accident twice in 5 months? I’m so scared that I’m barren and all this effort towrds prevention was for nothing…

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    • Lindsay

      Lindsay March 28, 2013, 11:37 am

      It makes me afraid in the other direction. I’m not planning on having children, so I’ve always comforted myself that as I get older, the chance of an accident gets slimmer and slimmer. But now…

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      • avatar

        rachel March 28, 2013, 12:09 pm

        Lindsay I’m with you!

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    • FireStar

      FireStar March 28, 2013, 12:02 pm

      I think there was active trying going on in her “accidents” – I’m sure you are okay.

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    • avatar

      Taylor March 28, 2013, 12:48 pm

      I get worried about that too. I was great about birth control, but hardly ever had a back up method (once in a committed relationship, where everyone was tested), and never had a pregnancy scare. I now am actively trying, and it’s a little nerve racking! But, the ovulation strips say I ovulate, so that’s one step closer =)

      Isn’t there a hormone surge or something pre-menopause that makes women more fertile?

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Grilledcheesecalliope March 28, 2013, 11:34 am

    You are Both too old to be acting this way. I’m mad now. My only advice is stop doing all the dumb shit.

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  • Heather

    Heather March 28, 2013, 11:37 am

    Wow. I don’t even know where to begin.

    “And I am prepared to work through his commitment issues.” His commitment “issues” aren’t about you. If he wants to work on them, that’s on him. You can’t fix someone else’s problems, and more so, it seems clear this man doesn’t want that. Delusional.

    5 months does not a solid, stable, co-parenting relationship make. Also, like many others, I find it VERY hard to believe you got pregnant twice in such a short time span. Maybe you are fertile myrtle, but it seems highly unlikely.

    “He has a failed one year marriage behind him…loss of spark…” They were only together a year and the excuse for DIVORCE was because of a LOSS OF SPARK?! Mother of god. Think about it. The man you have only been with for five months that you so desperately want to trap into being with you for life was willing to quite on a marriage after only a year. Let that sink in.

    “Please advise me how best to handle this situation to give me the best chance of having a relationship again with him.” Your ONLY concern at this point should be the welfare of your child. Not once in your letter do you really express concern about caring for the child for its sake. You briefly mention “how we might cope with looking after the baby” but I don’t get the sense that that’s because you’re scared you won’t be able to provide for this child on your own, but that you just want this guy there because you want so desperately to be with him.

    LW I’m sorry to be so blunt. But you honestly have to understand exactly what this letter sounds like to people who are completely objective with no personal interest in the matter. Get your act together. Don’t ever expect this guy to be more than a co-parent (which he absolutely should be). You are a 41 year old woman, and I can only hope you will give this baby all of the devotion and attention you seem to be giving some guy who you were only with for 5 months.

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    • avatar

      6napkinburger March 28, 2013, 11:50 am

      Don’t judge too harshly guys who were married for less than a year. (Though with this guy, judge away). The “spark was gone” is absolutely ridiculous and shows a lack of commitment to a marriage. But there are tons of people who realize within the first year that they got married because they thought they were supposed to (it was the next step), rather than that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together) — with those, it is great that they got divorced right away and didn’t waste any more of their lives on a dead-end no-love relationship. And sometimes people get cheated on or something else happens which shows that you didn’t know the person you married the way you thought you did, and you don’t want to be married to them for the rest of your life, becaue they aren’t the person you thought they were. Saying at 7 years “you aren’t the person I thought you were” is different than saying that at month 7 — in the former, it’s crap; in the latter, it could be totally true, even if you dated for years — marriage is different.

      For context: My best friend is 30 and is dating someone who is also 30, who got married at 27 to his college girlfriend (also 27 at the time) and got separated about a year later (the divorce took/is taking a while due to trying to avoid attorney fees, and weird laws with mandatory waiting periods… it is completely above board and there is no chance of funny business or lying about the divorce). I don’t know that much about their marriage other than she cheated on him (i think, a lot) and that was it. I bet my friend and he will get married within the next 2 years… he is the marrying type — he WANTS to commit. He just chose poorly the first time. So that isn’t always a total dealbreaker or proof that a guy doesn’t take marriage seriously… it may be proof that he does. Not LW’s guy, but in general.

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      • sobriquet

        sobriquet March 28, 2013, 12:23 pm

        @6napkinburger: I agree completely that it’s not just a blanket indicator that a man doesn’t take commitment seriously. My boyfriend is the perfect example. He got married in his early 20’s to a woman he was incompatible with due to pressure from his religion (he was considered a “menace” by the church for being single). Soon after the wedding, his ex-wife told him she still had feelings for her ex and my bf acted like a counselor for her for the rest of their 1 year marriage. He left the religion, got divorced, moved across the country and now that he’s almost 30 he wants to get married and have a family and do it RIGHT more than anyone I know. He absolutely takes marriage seriously.

        A lot of people get married when they shouldn’t. It doesn’t mean they should be doomed to a life of misery. Learn from your mistakes and move on.

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      • avatar

        ktfran March 28, 2013, 12:26 pm

        Agreed. I don’t know why some people are so judgy about this guy being married a year then giving up. Look, it happens. One of my hairdressers told me that she has done a lot of wedding hair and a lot of the time the bride has tears, but they aren’t tears of joy.

        Hundreds of people get married not to the person they truly love, but because they think they’re supposed to or that it’s the next step in the relationship. I agree with 6 that it’s far better to do the divorce sooner than to prolong it. This guy probably shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. But I think lots of people make that mistake. Hell, one of my uncles made the mistake. Was divorced shortly after and now is going on 30 something years with his second wife. I wouldn’t call him a dbag or immature or shady or whatever.

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      • FireStar

        FireStar March 28, 2013, 12:27 pm

        I agree with you. It is infinitely better to cut your losses before kids are in the picture after year one than to draw out a relationship that should never have been. I would rather marry someone who made a mistake and fixed it in a timely manner than someone who played the martyr because of the embarrassment of ending a marriage after a year was too much to handle.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl March 28, 2013, 1:39 pm

        My soon to be SIL’s bf was married and divorced in something like 3 years. They were married at like 22 and shortly their after realized they have completely different life goals. We have a friend who is getting divorced right now, 2 years after getting married, because she changed her mind on having children (he wants, she doesn’t). I’m not a big advocate for divorce (I think a lot of people cop out too early), but I would never shame one who has gone through it.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 28, 2013, 2:10 pm

        From a divorce perspective though, my fiance always says that if you know it’s not going to last it’s best to get divorced as soon as possible. Try to work it out, yes, but if you can see that there are issues you can’t get past or you just have no foundation for a good marriage, you’re better off divorcing sooner than later. I do like divorce a lot. Marriage is a serious commitment, which is why I appreciate divorce so much. In part, I think divorce gives marriage more value.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl March 28, 2013, 2:19 pm

        Well, I think a lot of people rush into marriage and then back out of it via divorce (I know quite a few people who have met and married and divorced in under 5 years total). Rather than dating for a bit and working through a lot of those issues and than marrying and keeping working on things. I don’t think a lot of people value marriage the way I value it. Which is fine- it serves different purposes for different people. Which is why if you’ve had a divorce, it’s not something I’ll judge you on.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 28, 2013, 2:26 pm

        Oh I totally agree with you. Date for a long time (or at least KNOW each other for several years, sheesh) and then get married after you’re confident in that decision. People shouldn’t take the decision to marry lightly, and I agree with you that it’s a big deal. But for people who have already made that mistake, or when someone in the marriage makes a big change (thinking of a friend’s ex-wife who suddenly starting posting semi-nude photos of herself on facebook a year into their marriage), divorce is a life-saver. I completely encourage people to get divorced if it’s going to make them happy. People shouldn’t have to live with their mistakes forever. And it’s better for those divorces to happy within the 5 year range. They have less at stake then than they will later, and there’s more of a chance for them to find happiness again.

        To be honest, I think I’m going to like the idea that my soon-to-be husband can quickly draft some divorce papers and serve me with them any day he wants to. Every day that he doesn’t do that is a decision that our marriage is important to him.

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    • avatar

      Lucy March 28, 2013, 11:55 am

      Omg I can’t remember the last time I heard “fertile myrtle.” A classic!

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    • Heather

      Heather March 29, 2013, 7:43 pm

      Oh wow, I didn’t think this would blow up like it did. Alright.

      Obviously, I’m not saying that every person who divorced within a year didn’t have a legitimate reason for doing so. But all we have to go off of is what LW put. And I’m sorry but “going through the motions” and “loss of spark” are not, to me, good enough reasons to divorce after only a year of being together. Of course, I can’t possibly know the extent of LW’s baby daddy’s marital woes. But really, what I said still stands: LW wants a commitment from this guy, and seeking it from a man who called it quits on a marriage after only a year for WHAT SOUND LIKE bogus reasons is not a good idea. That’s more what I was trying to say.

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  • Lyra

    L March 28, 2013, 11:52 am

    Here’s the deal: you can’t change someone. He was upfront and honest with you about the kind of person he is and his commitment issues. With his new girlfriend, it’s very clear that he does not want to get back together with you, end of story. Please please please stop overanalyzing his texts. Just because he puts an x at the end of the text doesn’t mean that there’s hope for this relationship. It’s time to move on from him and focus on being the best mother possible for your child.

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  • avatar

    Lucy March 28, 2013, 11:52 am

    While I was reading this, I kept thinking, “That age must be a typo. She must mean 21.” LW, I hope for your baby’s sake, you’re actually a lot more mature than you sound here. This guy is done with you.You cannot use your baby as a prop to lure him back into a relationship. Stop plotting to get him back and start taking care of this miracle baby.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray March 28, 2013, 11:58 am

    I won’t speculate on whether this LW got pregnant on purpose or not. Everyone else has that covered. Besides, it will likely just cause the LW to get defensive and ignore all the good advice above. The LW is pregnant, that’s all that matters.

    LW, you asked how to handle the situation? I’d stay out of your ex’s relationship with his new girlfriend, and I’d stop texting him. And I’d focus on moving on. Maybe they’ll be together forever. Maybe you and the ex will get back together. Maybe he’ll be involved in the baby’s life, or maybe not. Only time will tell. But for now? You got to move on. Here are other things I’d do: I’d keep your ex up to date on important things re: the baby; I’d discuss visitation and support and all that jazz; I’d read those baby books; I’d take pre-natal vitamins; I’d beg my mom to come stay with me for a bit for help; and I’d think about baby names and get excited. Consider the name Addie!

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle March 28, 2013, 12:19 pm

      Yeah, I think there’s a lot of harshness & assumptions that this LW got pregnant on purpose—which yeah, okay, obviously it’s suspicious—but the outcome is that she’s gonna read all of this & dismiss everything, probably. I hope she doesn’t, because she needs to hear it.

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      • Jess

        Jess March 28, 2013, 12:27 pm

        That was my feeling too Fabelle. See below.

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    • avatar

      ktfran March 28, 2013, 12:20 pm

      Perfect AP.

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  • Jess

    Jess March 28, 2013, 12:00 pm

    Totally agree on the fact that LW should give up any hopes, let along pursuit (!) of a romantic relationship with this man.

    However, I am going to defend her on the accidental pregnancies. Wendy maybe right but while everyone else is going on offense, I figured I might as well present another possibility. Some of you won’t like it but that’s ok. I am having root canal later today. What could be worse than that?

    For starters, fertility is a funny thing. Lots of grim statistics and they are true but I have also learned that it’s heavily dependent on the woman. I have two friends older than LW who have gotten accidentally pregnant (one is 46!). And I know plenty of women in their late 30s who got pregnant on their first try. I’m not saying this is the norm, obviously. But it’s certainly possible.

    It doesn’t sound like the second pregnancy was an accident at all. Sounds like they were in a discussion about getting pregnant again and the boyfriend was briefly on board with it. My bet is that no protection was used during this time because of that possibility AND maybe because they wrongly thought she couldn’t get pregnant right after a miscarriage.

    In fact, the opposite is true. Fertility is sky high right after a miscarriage.

    I wish LW good luck and congratulations on her pregnancy –which at 41 is a blessing, no doubt about it. She has my sympathy for traveling the thrills and fears of first time motherhood without a partner. That was a risk that she certainly took by having unprotected sex with an unclear agreement in a new, untested relationship. It’s a hard road and one we can all pass judgment on —letting the biological clock take precedent over the relationship. Then again, I have friends close to that age who married men they shouldn’t have married because they wanted their shot at parenthood. Amounts to the same. As a woman who was single in her mid-30s, I sympathize with the temptation to seize your “last chance” at motherhood at the expense of taking the time to form a last relationship.

    I agree whole-heartedly with Wendy’s advice that it is a bad, bad idea to try to win this man. He’s made it clear that he’s not interested in that, at least not now (if ever). But he DOES seem open to having a role in his child’s life. That’s fantastic and that should be your focus.

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    • Jess

      Jess March 28, 2013, 12:23 pm

      Clarification/addition. I read somewhere not long ago that the rate of accidental pregnancies amongn women 35+ has sky rocketed (I think they even cited usage of the Plan B pill) and the speculation was that there has been SO MUCH in the media about dwindling fertility that women above 35 think that there is no way they will get pregnant without trying (charting fertility, taking supplements, and/or infertility treatments). So now we’ve got more and more people at this age who have gotten really lazy about birth control because “what are the odds?”

      Don’t get me wrong. It’s foolish! It is. And that doesn’t account for STDs. But for those in longer term relationships where STDs aren’t an issue, you can see how this could play out.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay March 28, 2013, 12:59 pm

        Yeah, I think that explains the first pregnancy. But after the miscarriage, she obviously knew that she was still fertile and that getting pregnant was a possibility. Maybe she thought “what are the odds of another accident?” but biology doesn’t really work that way. I think that she realized that she was excited that she had another shot at having a baby, but mistook her boyfriend’s offer of support for more commitment than it was, and thus thought it was OK to be lazy at birth control.

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      • Jess

        Jess March 28, 2013, 1:05 pm

        “but mistook her boyfriend’s offer of support for more commitment than it was, and thus thought it was OK to be lazy at birth control.”

        Agreed. But what was HIS deal, do you think? He had the same information available. So why didn’t he insist on protection? We know why she didn’t. Unless she lied about going on the pill, the choice to do nothing was mutual –even if the desire to have children wasn’t. You know? That’s what I find so weird.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph March 28, 2013, 2:55 pm

        But come on man, you know using a condom doesn’t FEEL as good. Just this one time, nothing bad will happen.

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      • avatar

        ebstarr March 28, 2013, 1:30 pm

        That’s so interesting about all the accidental pregnancies in over-35 women! Another reason to be annoyed at all these dumb stories about how women should get desperate at about 32 and a half…

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    • FireStar

      FireStar March 28, 2013, 12:44 pm

      See my first thought was that they WERE trying for a baby but then she wrote this:

      we had another accident just a couple of weeks after the miscarriage

      that seems to belie any open trying on their part. If they had agreed to try then why wouldn’t you just say that – after trying for a couple of weeks I conceived? If they were both trying and he lost interest in her and broke up then so be it – but if she was the only one family focused – as it seems from her letter – then the guy may have been tricked. Don’t get me wrong – he is no innocent – I think everyone should be responsible for their own birth control so I’m not crying tears for him since he got himself here – but her motivations just sound so shady – particularly since her sole focus seems to be “how do I get him back”. I hope for her sake she can take her head out of the sand and realize that she erred in choosing the method of getting a child but now that one is on the way, she needs to focus on the child and making the best possible life she can for him/her – which means finding a way to involve the father in a way that does not put any romantic pressure on him that would cause him to limit his time with his child. Sucks for the kid. I hope they can work something out and she can, in time, refocus her romantic attention on a man that actually wants her – because this guy doesn’t – but for now – her focus needs to be on providing for the little one on the way.

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      • Jess

        Jess March 28, 2013, 12:54 pm

        I also found that to be an odd choice of words. But I tend to think these situations tend to be more grey than black and white. Like, obviously they weren’t careful in the first place. And probably in part because of her age and thinking it unlikely she would get accidentally pregnant (still foolish with STDs but yeah). Then she GETS pregnant and now there is no point to adding birth control so their no-protection routine stays the same. Then loses the pregnancy, and realizes she wants this. They talk more, debate, and meantime, their lack of birth control routine isn’t addressed. At this point, of course SHE is not going to be the one to recommend birth control it since she wants this to happen. Meantime, he’s unsure but does nothing to change their routine. Maybe he’s thinking lightening won’t strike twice. Maybe he’s thinking she can’t get pregnant for a long while after a miscarriage. Who knows? I just see this as being very blurry and mostly about INACTION rather than anyone having intentions to entrap.

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      • FireStar

        FireStar March 28, 2013, 1:26 pm

        I guess it is just crazy to me people would be so cavalier about bringing a life into the world – but then again plenty people are. I would have just expected more of a grown ass people. Throwing caution to the wind when you are in a committed relationship where you both want kids and you can provide for them is one thing – in that case mazel tov and blessings! But this? Just seems so irresponsible. I had to get every known and conceivable duck in a row before I tried to get pregnant…and even now there are so many unknown in life but at least give the little one a fighting chance at a good life with as many involved and committed parents as you can swing.

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      • katie

        katie March 28, 2013, 1:59 pm

        inaction is an action itself, though.

        i also expect more from grown ass people.

        AND i hate how selfish this LW is. all she thought about was the fact that *she* wanted a baby, and thought nothing about the actual child who is now going to be in this world with the possibility that its father will abandon it. sometimes, like in GG’s case, that is ok, and the person can work through it and be ok, but for others, that fact will ruin their lives.

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  • avatar

    LadyBird March 28, 2013, 12:28 pm

    Sigh. Why do people do this to themselves.

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster March 28, 2013, 11:31 am

    So since everyone else has covered all the batshit in this letter, another piece of info stuck out to me. She mentions her ex’s new gf’s age as if he dumped her for a hot little young thing who he can’t be serious about because she’s just a baby. But a 9 year age difference at that stage in life is really not a big deal. I’m 27, and I’m dating someone 5 years older than I am. My best friend is 27 and she’s married to a 36 year old man- and I have other friends with similar age gaps between them and their SO’s. I don’t even bat an eye at it.

    Aside from all the really obvious reasons he’s not going to marry you and buy a house with a white picket fence where you will raise the child you tricked him into impregnating you with, I wouldn’t kid yourself about his ability to get serious with a woman in her late twenties. But of all the crazy in this letter, this is but a minor note. Take it as you will!

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    • avatar

      AndreaMarie March 29, 2013, 12:46 pm

      OMG I noticed that too!! She’s fishing for something to point to him just rebounding and not moving on from their 5 month relationship. That’s a decent age gap, especially for a man whose not looking to start a fmaily in the near future, dating someone in their 20s gives him that. I’m 28 and my BF is 37. That’s a common age gap, not a silly fling.

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  • avatar

    Sasa March 28, 2013, 12:42 pm

    The LW has made a choice, and it has its benefits and its drawbacks. In an important sense, she got what she wanted: She is going to be a mother. It wasn’t the perfect way of doing it, certainly, but in my mind she didn’t really trick this guy – he knew that she wanted a child and he could have protected himself. Seriously. Anyway, it certainly wasn’t the most responsible way of conceiving a child – in an unstable relationship, with someone who wasn’t completely on board with it. And now she has to live with the consequences, which include that the child’s father won’t be her romantic partner. She’s kidding herself if she thinks that she can force a romantic relationship now that she is pregnant. It just doesn’t work this way. I don’t think it has to be a catastrophe once she accepts that this guy won’t be her partner. She can make it work as a single mom.

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  • sobriquet

    sobriquet March 28, 2013, 12:42 pm

    Sorry, LW, there’s no magic secret potion to make someone love you. Can you imagine if there WAS? If a man you broke up with used some fancy tricks and manipulation on you to make you fall in love with him? (I would be married to a very sexy pro-baseball player right now…)

    Accept that he’s probably not the type of guy willing to put in the hard work a relationship takes. Relationships are not always fun and exciting… there are motions that you go through, you have to nurture the spark, etc, etc. So he’s either not willing to put in the work, or he’s making up lies to get out of a relationship with you. Which is worse? I say this all not because it’s important- he broke up with you and moved on to somebody else- but to help you move on. Don’t waste your time and energy on someone who doesn’t want to be with you.

    I suggest you do some soul searching to find out why exactly you’re actively pursuing a man who told you he didn’t want to be with you. Insecurity? Control issues? Work on that and maybe you will actually find a man who not only wants a family, but also wants YOU.

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  • avatar

    melancholia March 28, 2013, 1:25 pm

    There is no such thing as an accidental pregnancy unless you are uneducated about contraception. I’m sorry but you clearly wanted a child and you were hoping this guy would stick around after you became pregnant. Regardless, you’ve landed yourself in a bad situation. This guy is certainly not husband material. You can be a great parent even if you are a shitty spouse. Figure out a positive-healthy co-parenting agreement and figure out how you are going to raise this baby SEPARATELY from a romantic relationship. You cannot force people to comply to what you want, it just doesn’t work that way. You cannot say, “hey, let’s get myself knocked up so this guy can realize he wants to be with me”. A lot of people have children for the wrong reasons and I’m sorry to say that I believe you acted out of selfishness and insecurity. A lot of women these days are planning to have children on their own, it’s not so uncommon anymore, but you need to be honest with yourself and stop trying to force a relationship that is never going to work.

    You now have a higher responsibility on your shoulders, you cannot allow yourself to waste your time over some guy (who is now in another relationship, by the way). You need to focus on your overall health and wellbeing and you need to focus on your baby’s future and overall wellbeing.

    Smarten up!

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    • avatar

      6napkinburger March 28, 2013, 5:45 pm

      Disagree with your first statement. There is no such thing as an accidental pregnancy unless you take proper precautions. But assuming that someone is on hormonal birth control and uses it diligently, then any pregnancy that results is an accident. I disagree that by virtue of having sex, you should be ready and willing to deal with a baby (which is a corollary to what you said, but I won’t put those words in your mouth because you didn’t say it). I guess that it is true that by virtue of having sex, you should be ready and willing to deal with a pregnancy, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t accidents. By virtue of driving a car, you should be aware of accidents, which is why people wear seatbelts and get licenses. But you can still get into an accident even if you wore your seatbelt AND have a license, and you can still get injured by an accident, even if you do both of those. And sometimes, it’s even your fault, even though you did both of those. It’s the same. Accidents DO happen and you deal with them, however it is that you feel is right.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark March 28, 2013, 1:46 pm

    Ugh. Not one but two accidental pregnancies at 41? Bah. I have nothing else to say other than the fact that I sit this one out…

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    • avatar

      haggith March 28, 2013, 5:06 pm

      i wish i were as lucky as her…. and i’m 37!

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark March 28, 2013, 5:57 pm

        “Give me an A.” “A!!”
        “Give me an B.” “B!!”
        “Give me an O.” “O!!”
        “Give me an R.” “R!!”
        “Give me an T.” “T!!”
        “Give me an I.” “I!!”
        “Give me an O.” “O!!”
        “Give me an N.” “N!!”

        “What does it spell?” “SOLUTION!!!”

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray March 28, 2013, 8:22 pm

        You telling women to get abortions is JUST AS WRONG as somebody telling her she can’t. … *What* is up with that?! Sorry, but you don’t get a say AT ALL.

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      • avatar

        haggith March 28, 2013, 8:33 pm

        at 41 she definitely wants to have a child so i think abortion is out of the question. i think she needs a reality check of being a single mom

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark March 28, 2013, 8:50 pm

        She might very well need and deserve such a reality check… But… Does the kid?

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      • avatar

        haggith March 28, 2013, 11:06 pm

        true, having a child is a serious matter and doesn’t deserve less than being the top priority of his/her parent, no matter what. i hope she understands that and refocus her energy towards what matters the most right now

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark March 29, 2013, 1:38 am

        People who get knocked up DELIBERATELY in the hopes of landing a man they ultimately don’t get RARELY make the best of parents, I imagine. Frankly, I don’t see how this is a radical thought. And Addie? Sorry, but some women simply NEED to be told by random strangers to have an abortion. The planet is already bursting at the seams…

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        Addie Pray March 29, 2013, 10:24 am

        This is old news by now but… Seriously, BGM? That’s nice, you’re worried about the planet; I am happy to discuss how over population is bad for the planet! But that is such a bullshit reason for telling this LW to have an abortion? Know how I know? You didn’t mention the planet ONCE above. You didn’t tell Wendy she should have an abortion. You didn’t tell the LW who wrote in about a miscarriage “good b/c people shouldn’t have kids”. … No, you pick and choose who YOU think will be a fit parent. That’s … fucking disgusting. You tend to play the “have an abortion” card when it involves a single woman, a poor woman, or someone you deem not smart enough or who got knocked up for reasons you disapprove of. …. If you can’t see how that’s disgusting, then you’re an idiot. You sound like those old white guys in the 50s and 60s – and maybe as late as the 70s? – who wanted to go into the ghetto to sterilize poor black people. … They were worried about the “planet” too, BGM. …. The SECOND you interject an opinion about which person should get an abortion and which one shouldn’t, the game is over – you absolutely cannot judge like that.

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    Christy March 28, 2013, 2:41 pm

    LW, I agree with Wendy and I would say to be friends and build a friendship right now so you can be parents together for your child. It doesn’t sound like he is ready for a relationship with you right now, he has his girlfriend and he has issues. Maybe someday when/if he doesn’t a girlfriend and you already have a friendship and work together to raise the child, then you can persue something with him, or he’ll persue it with you. But for right now, just be friends, include him or invite to everything/anything that has to do with the baby.

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    Sue Jones March 28, 2013, 2:43 pm

    Handle this situation by FORGETTING about this guy being a real romantic partner for you and obtaining an attorney or other legal counsel so that you can be assured of child support and work out whether he is going to share parenting time and be a real co-parent with you or if you will be a single parent and just getting a check from him every month. Listen to his words. BELIEVE him when he says he sucks at parenting and sucks at relationships. He is just a sperm donor, actually and the last thing you need is this sort of relationship drama. A child is a 20+ year commitment especially if you hope to send your child to college. Forget about a romantic relationship with ANYONE at this point, or at least until the child is in grade school, and focus on what kind of support (nannies, etc. if you will continue to work) you need to give your child a secure and happy future.

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  • AKchic_

    AKchic_ March 28, 2013, 2:00 pm

    Seriously LW?

    “Accident”? I don’t think so. You wanted to get pregnant, and you got pregnant. Plain and simple. This guy doesn’t want a relationship with you. Stop trying to get him to be in one with you. He’s being nice to you to attempt to placate you, but what it’s really doing is leading you on and making you’re hormonal ass think that you’ve got a chance. You don’t. Even if you are carrying his child. Stop it. Stop thinking in teenage tactics. Stop acting like a dumbass. Stop giving women a bad name. Move the fuck on.

    That child should be your number one priority, not your desire for the father to be your life partner. He doesn’t want it. Stop hoping for it. It won’t happen.
    Work on being FRIENDS with the father. Let him be happy with his girlfriend. Let him be in the child’s life. Be happy you have a child.
    Get some family counseling to help you two figure out how to do it.

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    Lily in NYC March 28, 2013, 3:11 pm

    Since I have a feeling this is where the LW might be heading in her quest: OP, whatever you do, DO NOT contact the new woman he’s dating to let her know that he got you pregnant. It is up to him to give her the news. I can just see you thinking that it will cause her to dump him and you will get him back. That’s not what will happen. It will make you look crazy and will only make things worse.

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    • Lindsay

      Lindsay March 28, 2013, 6:33 pm

      I like the idea of preemptive advice. Good thinking.

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    kk March 28, 2013, 3:32 pm

    this letter makes me think you and this man will be on a maury povich paternity dna test episode.

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    Denise is Sunrise March 29, 2013, 10:35 am

    The advice might sound harsh, but it’s spot on.

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    AndreaMarie March 29, 2013, 12:54 pm

    Oh my lord, the poor child. LW, this guy made it completely clear to you that he wasn’t interested in being with you and wasn’t interested in being a father. You were only dating for 5 months, most people haven’t even had the “exclusivity talk” at that point. There was nothing serious between you and clearly no emotional investment on his part. Whether you chose to get pregnant or not, you are about to have a child. This man has made it abundantly clear that he wants ZERO relationship with you and will do whatever legal responsiilities he needs to for the child. He has no unresolved feelings for you, any concern he has is for the child. Not only should you be prepared for him to not continue any relationship with you, you might want to prepare yourself for that fact that the only relationship he will have with this child is child support payments. And to point to the GF being only 27 as some sort of sign thats hes not serious about her? For real? 9 years is a decent and common age gap and seens approprate for a guy like him who is not looking to get married/start a family any time soon. You have proved that theory right! 41 and after 5 months completely desparate.

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  • Emily

    Emily March 31, 2013, 11:47 am

    I have dated a couple men over the years who “trapped” by women who got pregnant. Both were seriously traumatized by the deception and it affected their future relationships. LW, having seen how the person on the other side of your relationship feels years down the road, your actions anger me. What you did was so selfish. This guy sounds so non-committal I wouldn’t trust him to take care of my cat. Your “boyfriend” should have used a condom if he didn’t want a pregnancy but I second Wendy in saying that you were quite wrong to deceive him.

    I would find the best domestic and family law attorney in town that money could buy to write up custody and child support payments to protect the interests of your unborn child. What is your support system like? Is there a social or church organization that you could join for moral support and advice? Being a parent is tough enough but being a single mother is significantly tougher. I am also angry for your unborn child. What kind of a relationship with his/her father can he/she expect to have in light of your deception? Even if he does the “right” thing in a being an involved co-parent, it will be tougher for him to be emotionally present, especially at first as this was not his choice and he didn’t want this child. The more you resent him for not being involved, the more it will hurt your child. Have you ever considered counseling? You’re going to have to mature a lot to be a good mother. Being a parent is one of the greatest experiences but also one of the toughest roles to do well from what I hear. Good luck, you’re going to need it. You have a tough road ahead of you.

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    Glo December 22, 2016, 9:03 pm

    I read all your story and actually something similar happened to me, but I WAS THE OTHER GIRL. The guy I was seeing had a casual relationship before me and he got her pregnant. I thought I was really mature so I decided to continue the relationship and I support him cause he was really depressed (he doesn’t want to be a father). Just a week ago I decided to end the relationship cause it was a lot of drama for me (I’m only 25) now I’ve heard that he went back with her! All the time we were together he kept saying that he never had any romantic feelings for her so IDK what to think. Anyway PREGNANT GIRL keeps stalking me and sending me really nasty messages, it’s obvious they have a lot of problems, trust is way gone so I don’t know how they’re going to make it work. It makes me sad thinking about this girl. Please don’t be like her, you deserve so much better! You deserve a man that really loves you and appreciate you.

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