My boyfriend and I have been together over nine months now, and things were going great… at first. Lately, things have been really difficult. He lives far away (3,000 miles away, but he’s coming home in three weeks) and the last I saw him was for a week in February. I got sick in January and was out of work for three months. So, for those three months, he was the only person I talked to. Being stuck at home, having only a dog, and having a probably unhealthy lack of friends didn’t really help the situation. Skype has been our connection (along with text messages, letters and phone calls) so I saw him almost all day every day.
So this last month, as I’m finally starting to get back into things, he’s wanting to get his life started again, too. That, however, has not been the easiest thing for me. I’m still home a lot of the time, and, I realize this is extremely selfish, but I want him to be home with me, too. When he’s not around I find myself missing him the entire time. I realize it was completely selfish of me to start to assume he’d be around all the time, but my hormones are a little out of whack recently (I just started taking a new birth control pill) so I cry… a lot. The thing that stuck out most to me and what made me realize I need some help with this, was the other day when he wanted to play video games online with his friends and I wanted to talk. Like I said, hormones are flying like crazy, so when he stopped mid-sentence and said, “I’m gonna play some games now, I’ll be back in a bit”, and hung up, you can only imagine I was upset. In my defense, he played a game the night before, after I had literally just gotten home from my (horrible) first night back at work. He didn’t ask how my day was, hardly said a word, and disappeared for four and a half hours playing fucking video games. When he came back I was, obviously, very angry, and proceeded to complain and cry to him about not paying attention to me.
I know, I sound like a ridiculous and needy girlfriend, but I’m totally not like this at all. I swear, these pills are making me crazy (I’m switching to the low-dose version this week). I’m just afraid that when I get off and everything falls back to normal, I’m still going to feel left behind and a little abandoned. (I won’t go into my whole life story, but I’ll sum it up with: there was a lot of neglect and abandonment.) My boyfriend told me the other day that I’m becoming “too much to handle” and that made me feel horrible. It hit the side of me that’s not affected by hormone-imbalances and I felt like I’m letting him down. It’s been really hard to have conversations with him without them turning into him being upset that I don’t like the idea of him going to a bar with a bunch of guys. I mean, come on, he’s 3,000 miles away. Being cheated on by every ex doesn’t exactly give me peace of mind. He is different than they are, though.
What should I do? Should I ignore all these things and just accept that I’m being ridiculous and clingy, or am I missing something here? I feel bad for making him feel guilty for doing things, it’s not my intention at all; we used to be able to talk about how things made us feel and lately I understand my feelings have been pretty strong. — Hormonally Charged
As a pregnant chick and as someone who has had issues with birth control pills in the past, I am totally sympathetic to the woes of hormone imbalances, I am. But, what you’re describing sounds a lot more serious than a bad reaction to a new prescription. This, this neediness and isolation and, frankly, what sounds like depression, has been going on at least since January when you became house-bound and your only human interaction was with your boyfriend 3,000 miles away over Skype. “Probably unhealthy” doesn’t even begin to describe your situation. What you need so much more than a boyfriend who’s willing to forgo his own life to sit around day and night staring at your image on a computer screen is: 1) Therapy. Serious therapy; and 2) A life of your own — a life that includes friends, hobbies, and activities that bring you some joy.
I cannot stress this enough. Your relationship isn’t the problem here. Your birth control isn’t the problem — though it may certainly be contributing to it; the real problem is you — specifically, your emotional and mental health. You aren’t happy and you’re relying on someone else to make you happy and that just won’t work. Your boyfriend, bless his heart, has already shown serious signs of being over it. It’s just a matter of time before he backs out completely — and who could blame him?! You cry and throw a fit every time he dares to doing something fun. You are pushing him away. And then what? Who’s going to be there for you then?
It’s up to you to start creating a support system — and a life — outside of him. Get the psych help you need. Join some clubs, teams, groups, etc., and start making some friends. Turn off your computer and go live. For the love of God, live! When you become someone who has a lot going on, not only will you quit being so obsessed with how your boyfriend spends every minute of his day when he’s off Skype, you’ll be a more interesting, well-rounded, happy person who will begin to naturally draw people to you instead of pushing them away. And even if it’s too late to save your current relationship, I promise you that being a happy person will make you a much, much better partner in the future.