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“I’m Tired of Waiting for My Boyfriend to Commit!”

I met my now boyfriend of four years about six years ago when we were both starting college. Now that we have been together, I would like to take the next step in our relationship and start making definitive plans, like say getting married and buying a house.

He tells me that, yes, he wants to get married, but right now is too soon for him. And he is very, very, very, wary of buying a house due to student loan debt. We also can’t agree on how many kids we’d like to have. I say I want three or four kids. He gives me the pained look and asks, “Really?”. I know with the economic crisis people are scaling back on the number of kids they have, but we are pretty well off financially. Still, he’d like just one. In fact, he really dislikes to even discuss children. He has these ideas that we will sacrifice our lives if we have them, meaning we will never have any fun ever again if we ever have a child. Every pained expression of his is also accompanied by the final phrase of “Someday, just not now. Like, awhile from now.” And he’s always talking about how people at his work are always complaining about their children. Well, they keep getting preggo, so it can’t be that awful, right? But he is sure it is. Yes, people tell goofy, funny, idiotic stories about the mess babies and kids make, but it’s funny!!! Hello?

We also can’t agree on smaller things, like vacations. He says, “Let’s take a vacation,” but, when I offer possible ideas, he turns them down. And then he has the audacity to complain that I never wanted to figure something out. Or I didn’t have a suitable back-up plan. Which really frosts my cookies.

Or, when we discuss any of the above, he goes and talks to his mother. He runs everything by her. I talk to my Dad about some things, but my father has a room temperature IQ and is a successful professional. Plus, I have the added bonus of having my own original ideas that are not swayed by every negative comment anyone ever had. Yeah, my boyfriend really knows how to keep my hopes and dreams in check.

Additionally, his family has different ideas about how a woman should behave, and, while I am definitely a lady, I am not going to make the same financial decisions as they did. My parents had to hunker down for years, based a mortgage on two incomes, beat cancer, raised two children (who are both doing well), and are living comfortably today because of the hunkering down years ago. His parents took more vacations then we did, they based their mortgage on one salary so his mom could stay at home, and today they are struggling (though they still have vacation money and new vehicles). I want to work just as hard as my parents did because the rewards are well worth it.

I also hate that every time I sit alone with his mother my boyfriend abandons me, and she just talks about herself. Or her beloved son (my boyfriend’s brother) — the man that threatened to do bodily harm to me and my boyfriend (he threatened to break down the door and kill us while we slept), and has made vulgar comments about how he would get what he really wanted from me). He is a pathetic, bottom-dwelling drunk, but the mother thinks he’s perfect and precious. This boy put a hole through a door! And ripped a locked car door open. SO, YES, I HATE HIM! I don’t want to talk about him. I don’t want to see him! I don’t want to go to their home! I don’t want to ever be associated with him! And because of this, I am a bitch who is pulling my boyfriend away from his family and “brainwashing” him.

Unfortunately, the influence that others have on him is so great. Every time he and I discuss something he excitedly repeats our ideas to his parents, they immediately shut him down, and I am once again let down over something, whether it’s future plans like marriage, or a home, or a vacation. Or, the best is when my idea is shut down and then a guy friend or his family repeats the same idea, and, all of a sudden, it’s great!

Why wasn’t it good enough when I said it? Why can’t we make plans without it going through his parents? Why can’t he accept that I will never trust or want to be around his brother? Why can’t he understand that his mother and brother make me uncomfortable? Why does he make slams about something goofy my family did when his own blood has treated me so poorly? Why can’t he follow through on anything??

So I ask you: does my boyfriend really want to be my husband or is he just a non-committal boyfriend? — Tired of Waiting for a Commitment

So… you basically can’t agree on anything, from how many kids you want — and when you want to have them — to where you want to vacation; you can’t stand his family and they don’t like you; he blows off all of your ideas and suggestions; and, frankly, it doesn’t sound like either of you really even likes the other. And, yet, you want to marry him? Why? Because you’re ready to start a family and he’s the person you’re currently in a relationship with? So you think it’s easier and faster to try to change him into the man you want him to be, even though it would mean being stuck with in-laws you can’t stand, rather than breaking up with him and finding someone whose values and dreams for the future better align with yours?

It’s not only not easier, it’s dumb as fuck, as you’d be signing on for many, many, MANY more issues and challenges ahead. Unless you want every single decision you make to be a fight, MOA. Unless you want to be unhappy for the rest of your life, MOA. Unless you want to be stuck with a man who doesn’t share your vision of the future and continues to shut you down and shit all over your dreams, MOA. This is not a relationship that should continue, and I didn’t need all nine of your paragraphs to figure that out.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

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Comments on this entry are closed.

avatar ChemE June 3, 2013, 9:12 am

Can I say preggo is awful, it’s a baby not spaghetti sauce.

But, to your question. I’m not sure you listed anything you actually like about your boyfriend? You actually sound like you hate the guy. And sure, maybe he just pissed you off an you sent this letter in haste, maybe you actually like the guy. But even if I consider that, you still sound like you’d rather strangle him than marry him.

Get the hell out of dodge!

avatar Doodles June 3, 2013, 11:04 am

Lol..I didn’t read Wendy’s advice or any of the comments before I wrote mine…GET THE HELL OUTTA DODGE just seems to be the first to come to mind.

avatar Desiree June 3, 2013, 9:13 am

Maybe the sex is really good? Otherwise I can’t fathom how this relationship has persisted for so long. Or, maybe it’s just the “safety” of a longterm relationship holding this together. Either way, so not worth it. LW, before you make plans to walk down the aisle, please find a man that you actually like to be waiting at the end of it.

avatar Older and (hopefully) wiser June 3, 2013, 9:14 am

Lw, Did you really need Wendy to tell you this relationship wasn’t working? Really?

Fabelle Fabelle June 3, 2013, 9:21 am

LW, I think you should actually be glad that your boyfriend hasn’t been rushing to commit. This union sounds…awful. You don’t agree on anything, from vacations, to kids, to how involved family should be in decision making. Can you imagine, you know, planning a WEDDING with him?

Wendy’s right—it doesn’t seem like you two even ~like~ each other. He puts other people’s opinions over yours, or even straight-up ignores your opinions. You describe him as holding you back from your “hopes and dreams.” Instead of wanting this man to commit to you because you’re ready to settle down, please consider…just putting this relationship out of its misery. You will be much happier.

avatar oldie June 3, 2013, 9:25 am

This guy doesn’t want to marry YOU. And you know what, it sounds like he’s right. The two of you should not be a couple but seem to have stayed together through some weird inertia. At least he has the sense to realize that what the two of you have is not the basis for moving forward to marriage. One of you needs to bite the bullet and initiate the breakup. You must both be terrified of aloneness, even temporary aloneness. A clean break now is best for you and your self-respect, because you know how guys who aren’t at all a match for their gf, but dread aloneness handle the situation. They cheat with other women, until they find your replacement and then you are dumped. Best to not wait for the inevitable.

avatar bethany June 3, 2013, 9:27 am

So I ask you: does my boyfriend really want to be my husband or is he just a non-committal boyfriend?

Answer: Sweet Jesus. He’s a non-committal boyfriend. Do you really have to ask?!

avatar Liquid Luck June 3, 2013, 9:28 am

In addition to WWS (all of which was perfect), it’s clear this this guy just doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t think you’re capable of having good ideas, doesn’t care if his family treats you like crap, and always puts your happiness not only behind his, but behind that of his whole family. He would rather appease an abusive brother than make sure that you feel welcome and comfortable. He would rather let his mother make you feel worthless because it makes it easier for him to get what he wants.

Marrying him will not suddenly make you more important to him, and it will not make your relationship a priority in his life. A wedding ring and some vows are not magical items, and they don’t change a terrible boyfriend into an amazing husband. In fact, it usually does the opposite. This guy will have even LESS incentive to make you happy if you marry him, because you’ll have already accepted who he is and he knows you probably won’t want to back out after you make that commitment. And if you do marry him anyway, knowing all of this, you’ll deserve any unhappiness you have. There are plenty of men out there who want to get married and have children with a wife that they can dote on. Find a man who’s already like that instead of sticking with someone who have proven time and time again that what you want out of life doesn’t matter as long as he gets what he wants.

avatar Doodles June 3, 2013, 11:24 am

You said it perfectly! Oh bejesus I hope this LW really really listens to what everyone is telling her.

avatar Wendy (not Wendy) June 3, 2013, 11:58 am

And she doesn’t respect him, either,

theattack theattack June 3, 2013, 9:35 am

My God, I couldn’t even get through half of this letter. Just break up with him already. You sound miserable and contemptuous. No wonder your boyfriend doesn’t want to buy a house with you or get married right now!

Really though, he’s not ready to do things that you are, and that’s okay. You have no right to be angry about it, but you do have a right to leave and find someone more on your page. Do the poor guy a favor and let him be with someone who won’t fault him for his very reasonable life goals.

bagge72 bagge72 June 3, 2013, 9:39 am

This sounds like the most miserable relationship ever.

avatar bethany June 3, 2013, 9:39 am

WWS.

Seriously, what is with some of you people? Why do you think this is a relationship worth saving? You don’t mention one good thing about your boyfriend or your relationship! Why do you think that being in a pathetic excuse for a relationship is ok? If getting married and having kids is what you want for your life, you’re wasting your time by being with this guy. MOA. Take some time to be single and figure out the qualities you want in a man. Then date around until you meet someone who has the qualities you want in a husband and a father. It’s not this guy. It’s not going to be this guy. Ever.

Brown-eyed NoVA Girl Brown-eyed NoVA Girl June 3, 2013, 4:48 pm

Maybe writing to Wendy, seeing her letter published, and reading the comments will help the LW see that she should MOA? Sometimes, when people are in the relationship, they don’t see how terrible it is until they try to explain it to strangers.

avatar csp June 3, 2013, 9:44 am

LW, I am reading this letter way different than everyone else. So you are two years out of college and have no ring, right? It is hard because I am sure that you see other people getting engaged and you aren’t so all of these other things become issues. Inlaws are going to be frustrating and I am sure your Boyfriend’s mother can only think to talk to you about the people you know. It takes time for that relationship to be comfortable like the one with your family.

Everyone has family issues and they are just used to them and don’t see them the way outsiders see them. Your boyfriend and you both have dreams and they might come in different packages. I think you want a wedding and large family soon but it seems like you want these things with little interaction with his family. He wants a life of travel and adventure and a smaller family later. You have to look at these things and make some tough decisions.

How long are you willing to wait? I know I wouldn’t but you have to see is this worth it to wait or is starting all over worse for you? I think if you have to beg a guy to propose to you, it doesn’t sound good.

I don’t think this relationship sounds bad. I think you need to stop focusing on the little things

Miel Miel June 3, 2013, 11:37 am

While I agree with you that the LW might feel bad because of how their college friends are getting married and having babies, I don’t think the relationship sounds good either.

They were together for two years in college (or a bit more), and it was probably a good college relationship. I don’t know their story, but it probably included going to the same college, seeing each other everyday, making plans about what party they would attend on the weekend, which student club they should join, and a lot of studying in the same room. When they got out of college, they were probably very happy to move (or stay) in the same location, so they stayed in the relationship, instead of breaking up like all those college couples that end up going to grad school on different coast. And that’s how the relationship has made it to four years. But it’s also probably the first time they seriously talk about marriage and kids, and they realize how they don’t actually agree on those things.

They were probably having a great time together in college, and staying together after college was supposed to be more of the same fun.

But marriage, kids, in-laws and bad communication when it comes to planning in general, those are not “little things”. They are very important now that they are young professional, and not college students.

My opinion is that their two timelines are not possible together, so the LW should MOA. The relationship was good, but now they just need to move on with their life. Because for the LW, starting a family at 25 vs 35 will probably make a huge difference. And she wants the 25 option.

avatar csp June 3, 2013, 12:22 pm

You are right about the timelines. But honestly, all of her problems kind of sound like life to me. I have been married for years and years. I still deal with crazy families, calendars, miscommunications. My husband and I still balance investing in the house versus going on vacation. My inlaws over step thier bounds and my mom still is a little passive agressive. My sister in law might be crazy it is just the days of the week or the year we are talking about. The thing is, you choose your battles and give in half the time.

Here is the funny thing about time lines. You can plan to a certain point and then God messes up those plans. I think this LW needs to really listen to her boyfriend and not judge. She needs to see if his dreams match up with hers. But I think she is frustrated just sitting in life’s waiting room. She wants to either get married or travel but not talk about these things and not do anything.

avatar arod11 June 3, 2013, 9:46 am

You have literally nothing to fall back on here–you hate your BF’s family, his habits, his personality, his future plans…why stay with him? I’m really taken aback that you haven’t considered breaking up with him over the family alone. I hate my mother in law as much as the next girl, and for a while, it gave me serious pause about marrying my SO. But when I really look back at our relationship, he has always sided with, supported and defended me–not once has he ever taken anyone’s side or considered anyone’s advice or needs over mine. If you don”t feel like you are in an honest, committed, equal partnership with your BF (which is sounds like you don’t), why would you want to marry him and commit YOURSELF to a life of being pushed to the back burner and aggravated (or possibly assaulted?) by his family?

avatar Lynn June 3, 2013, 9:47 am

Frosts my cookies? I have never heard that saying before, whoa… I lol’d.

avatar honeybeenicki June 3, 2013, 9:53 am

I had heard that, but I’d never heard “room temperature IQ” (which, by the way, soured me against the LW for saying that about her own dad). I had to urban dictionary that one.

Copa Copa June 3, 2013, 10:06 am

I actually thought she must have misused “room temperature IQ” (which I Urban Dictionaried, too) because she goes on to call her dad successful, but I wasn’t sure. I thought she was trying to say that her dad’s smart/successful so that’s why she consults him, while her boyfriend consults his idiot mother, and OMGHOWDAREHERUNTHINGSBYHISFAMILY. Either way, LW is super condescending, but I honestly wasn’t sure where she was going with that reference.

avatar MadMen June 3, 2013, 10:18 am

you see, we measure temperature in °C, and room temperature (about 73°F) is only 23°C. that would make a really low IQ, so i was realllyyy confused as to why she would say that about her father, then i urban dictionaried it, and i’m still confused. i mean, it still means he’s super stupid, doesnt it? can someone please explain this to me :-(

avatar Tax Geek June 3, 2013, 10:31 am

Maybe she’s from the desert(?)

avatar AliceInDairyland June 3, 2013, 10:44 am

This is my favorite comment so far… I snickered out loud

Miel Miel June 3, 2013, 11:43 am

The scientist in me always thinks of room temperature in Kelvin, and I was all : an IQ of 293 ?!?! That’s a possible IQ score ??? woaooaoaowh her dad is a genius ! But then I thought it was probably not it, so being a canadian, I thought of celcius too, and then it was like 20… Which is utter stupid.

No matter the units, I still feel like “has a room temperature IQ and is a successful professional” sounds very weird, and don’t feel like qualifications to give good advices.

theattack theattack June 3, 2013, 10:35 am

I thought she meant that her dad is of average intelligence and used that in contrast to her boyfriend’s mother. Like “I ask my dad for advice because he’s at least decently smart, unlike my boyfriend’s mom.”

avatar SpaceySteph June 3, 2013, 2:45 pm

I think you’re right. I had to read that sentence twice to figure out what she was talking about… and the only thing that makes sense is that she must be using it wrong.
An IQ of 75 would make you borderline mentally disabled. A good IQ is like 100, and no way that’s room temperature in any temperature scale.
I have to imagine she meant he had a high IQ, but also I’m not sure why running questions by either her gifted father or mentally disabled father is ok but her bf running stuff my his mom is not.

avatar applescruffs June 3, 2013, 3:19 pm

When I was doing IQ assessments we would sometimes refer (among staff only) to an “april morning IQ.” Which is a bummer of an IQ of about 45. But a room temperature IQ…wouldn’t that be about 75? So, still pretty low? I am confused.

avatar SpaceySteph June 3, 2013, 3:30 pm

No applescruffs, I think the LW is confused by what “room temperature IQ” is. You’re right, 75 is low and room temp is 75.

avatar Monica June 6, 2013, 1:14 pm

I spent way longer than I should have staring at the phrase with my head tilted like a confused dog.

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 9:57 am

Yea, this whole letter is either fake or this chick is nutso. One of the more annoying/obnoxious LWs ever.

avatar Lynn June 3, 2013, 10:33 am

Yeah I thought her entire letter was obnoxious. Just break up with him.

avatar jottino June 3, 2013, 11:23 am

Literally the only reason I wanted to comment on this letter was because of “frosts my cookies” lol. It sounds like a good thing. Who doesn’t like frosted cookies?

Fabelle Fabelle June 3, 2013, 11:28 am

Right? It’s obvious she means it as a “chaps my hide” thing, but frosted cookies are awesome! (I do like it better, as a phrase, than “chaps my hide” though.)

avatar TECH June 3, 2013, 9:47 am

This letter was excruciating to read. You say you met your boyfriend 6 years ago when you were starting college. Based on that, I would estimate you are about 24 years old. I don’t blame your boyfriend for not being able to seriously think about kids or a house at that age. I don’t even feel like addressing the rest of the paragraphs because it is so painfully obvious that you are angry and frustrated with your boyfriend’s family and most importantly, with HIM. I appreciate when people write to Wendy about serious dilemmas. This letter wasn’t even presenting a serious dilemma. It’s just a wall of text about why your boyfriend and his family are not a good fit for you.

I know a lot of people who stayed together through college and got engaged in their early 20’s and I just thought to myself — why?! Your early 20’s can be a confusing time and you endure a lot of change. Many people hold onto college relationships because they are floundering a little bit. They may feel lost and unsure of the future and they hold onto that relationship because hey, at least they might be on track to getting married! *sarcasm*

I’m almost positive the LW doesn’t want to hear this. But she should be alone for a while. Her letter was a bitchfest and makes me think she’s no picnic herself.

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 9:53 am

BUT, BUT, BUT I WANT TO GET MARRIED!

Oh my god, Wendy, I don’t know how you do it some days.

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 9:59 am

He shouldn’t run ideas by his parents for advice (at 24!), because they aren’t as well off as my family and aren’t as smart as my daddy. LW, I really can’t imagine why your boyfriend has anything to do with you.

ps You and he can’t possibly be well off like you say if your boyfriend is stressed about student loans.

avatar Guy Friday June 3, 2013, 12:27 pm

Yeah. What the hell is this LW’s problem?! Seriously. Maybe the phrasing the guy used is a little indelicate, but she sounds like a class-A spoiled princess. And, I mean, her logic doesn’t even make sense! She applauds her parents for hunkering down and not spending more than they could afford, saving for later years, etc. but then bashes her boyfriend for saying the exact same thing? She’s mad because he wants to wait to have children until he’s financially stable? He wants to wait to buy a house because of the negative impact the student loan debt will have on his credit score? Hey, LW: pick up a newspaper sometime and look at the thousands of stories being written about how young 20-somethings are now struggling to get mortgages because of student loan debt. It’s a real thing. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the “let’s have 4 kids and damn the consequences” thing.

Honestly, you should MOA, but not because the guy’s a douche. You should MOA so this guy — who is obviously cautious and responsible — can find someone who appreciates his desire not to randomly do shit before he knows he can do it right financially. And, seriously, grow the hell up and take a good luck at the real world, because you’re going to be in for quite the shock otherwise.

avatar Doodles June 3, 2013, 12:54 pm

Now I wish I read the comments before I commented this morning. I didn’t see the other side of this letter… just the bitchfest…..I still think she should MOA from this relationship and I do think the BF is a lil spineless. …but at the same time she does sound like an overbearing spoiled brat. She needs a reality check. LW get an apartment, live in the real world for a year then tell us about how oh-so-perfect your finances are and such. Because I bet you will have a hard time finding a job you like that pays you enough the pay your rent, bills and still have $$ left over to throw into savings. Then take that knowledge and think about how much more expensive it will b with a mortgage and four kids in tow. Then maybe you will realize that it is not all peaches and cream. Oh and also think abt the cost of a wedding thrown into the works….about any where from $10,000 (really really cheap if you get a good deal on everything) to about $50,000 more toward the high end of things. Oh ya and what about the $20,000 to $60,000 for the downpayment on your home…plus yearly taxes etc etc etc. Oh boy LW you just have not thought your fairy tale through.

bagge72 bagge72 June 3, 2013, 3:13 pm

Guy Friday is definitely right about this, but I think you are assuming a lot here Doodles, she’s not 16 and living at home. She says they have good jobs, and are financially stable, and they are 24 for so it’s not like they have never been in the real world.

Lindsay Lindsay June 3, 2013, 1:16 pm

I totally agree. Some people are calling him immature, and maybe he is, but saying you aren’t ready to purchase a house or agree to four children when you’ve been out of college for two years is not unreasonable.

avatar csp June 3, 2013, 1:42 pm

I think she is bashing her boyfriend for not doing anything. Like how long does she wait by his side before saying this is never going to happen?

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 1:44 pm

She does have a brain of her own though. She asked him, he answered honestly. She doesn’t like the answer, so she should MOA, not wait for a new answer.

avatar csp June 3, 2013, 1:55 pm

see, I am betting that he is being wishy washy. Saying, I want to marry you but first I want to travel then doesn’t travel. so they are spending another weekend with the boyfriends family having the same boring conversations and her 20s are slowly slipping away. I agree, I think she should move on and create the life she wants but I don’t think her expecations are unjust.

bagge72 bagge72 June 3, 2013, 3:17 pm

I don’t know, she seems to be bit of a drama queen here, and makes every issue into a huge thing. I’m not saying there aren’t things the boyfriend needs to majorly work on like his family issues, but it really seems she just doesn’t like who he is, and she needs to decide if she wants to move on or not.

Oh and this is the best line in the whole letter “And ripped a locked car door open.” sounds legit.

avatar csp June 3, 2013, 3:45 pm

See, I know what you are saying. But this LW feels powerless to plan the rest of her life because he is holding the cards. He is deciding if they should get engaged, buy a house, travel. She keeps trying to move him rather than take charge and do these things on her own. I think we both agree. You think he is sounding reasonable and I am saying that she is starting to come apart at the seams because she is putting her life on hold waiting for him. We both can be right and agree that they should MOA

avatar csp June 3, 2013, 12:27 pm

I think you and I read this differently. I think they are stuck in a mid twenties funk. I think they are together and not moving in any direction. He talks about traveling but they don’t do it and aren’t getting married or buying a house or anything. I think they are spending alot of family time but aren’t raising kids. So she is restless. I can see after 4 years in a relationship that I am sure has gotten comfortable and a little boring, but no direction. Don’t you think?

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 12:37 pm

I wouldn’t call it a mid twenties funk. I’d just call it mid twenties.

This is a perfect example of why the amount of time in a relationship doesn’t necessarily equate a good timeline for marriage.

They are a college couple, just out of school, should be finding careers, etc. I know some people marry right out of college and its great, but a LOT don’t. 24 is YOUNG. Sounds like this guy is clued into that and thank god! I mean, apply your comment to a couple who has been together 4 years, since freshman year of high school! You know what I mean? If that since-freshman year couple stayed together through college, that’s 8 years together before marriage is potentially on the radar. Obviously wouldn’t be wise to marry just because they were together 8 years while still in school, not experiencing life outside of that bubble.

avatar csp June 3, 2013, 1:21 pm

Right, but 24 isn’t that young. honestly, the average age of marriage is 25 so she isn’t too young to say “where is this going?”

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 1:40 pm

And she did ask that, and she got an answer. He’s no where near as ready. I don’t think she is either.

avatar GatorGirl June 3, 2013, 2:22 pm

The average age for women to marry is 27, for men it’s 29. In the USA that is.

katie katie June 3, 2013, 12:39 pm

i dont understand why relationships constantly have to have a “direction”- to be on the road to monogamy, to marriage, to kids, to whatever- why cant people just be happy together?

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 12:43 pm

Exactly. If you can’t handle when life feels like it is headed in “no direction” then you will be severely disappointed in life. A lot of it is just the same shit every day. If you are always wanting what’s next, you’ll never enjoy it.

theattack theattack June 3, 2013, 12:51 pm

Ugh, shut up LBH. This is something I really struggle with. Not really about my relationship, but just about life in general. Now that the wedding is over, I can’t stop making lists about everything. Obsessing over a budget for a new car when I can really only crunch those numbers so many times, thinking about every possible career path I could take in the future and making new budgets for what those salaries would be like, planning stuff in my current job, planning what shows to watch next on Netflix, when should we buy another seasonal doormat or water bottle or something, what can I bring to my best friend’s housewarming party NEXT YEAR. I really need constant projects.

katie katie June 3, 2013, 12:55 pm

see, i get that though- so start up a hobby. learn how to coupon. go volunteer with animals. read books. fill up your life with interesting thing so that when it does get monotonous and boring (which it will!), its ok. and then the flip side of that is, when your life is busy, it will be super busy, and for whatever reason i seem to thrive on that… personally, ive been much happier in the past 6 months or so, after i started to fill my time up.

theattack theattack June 3, 2013, 1:01 pm

Yeah, for sure. I’m glad you don’t think I’m crazy. After P is over his hernia I’ll be able to do things that are actually interesting. Right now my time is just filled with my boring job and taking care of him. I am soooo bored, which drives me to make lists and plan everything I want to do in the future.

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 1:08 pm

If it makes you feel better, I’m in the process of looking for a new house, went to 3 open houses yesterday, and all night I was figuring out which walls I would knock down, which appliances I want to replace, how we will set up Peter’s office and lil_be_honest’s art room, paint colors, rip some shrubbery out, how I’ll become besties with the neighbors (that may not even exist), etc. For 3 different houses. None of which I’m even sure I would buy. So yea, another psycho planner over here.

theattack theattack June 3, 2013, 1:12 pm

Hahaha, We are so on the same wavelength here. I did that same thing last week except for houses for my friend that she’s just looking at online.

So yay, tell us about this house hunting! What are you looking for? Suburbia, modern and trendy, cottage-style houses?

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 1:19 pm

I’m bad at knowing the different names for house types, but I prefer a ranch (one level only), but those are few and far between, so looks like it’ll be a high ranch (?), the one where you walk in and there’s stairs up and stairs down, but you could live on one floor if you needed to. Suburbia, still. I’d love a small, cute cottage’y house, but I have way too much crap and need space. Plus, I really want at least 4 bedrooms (us, lil, office, guest) bonus would be 5, for a craft room, but I’d be fine with a guest/craft room. So no cute cottage for me. The place I’m in now has a great setup for the master bedroom, and I haven’t seen anything yet that compares, hence the wall knocking down thing. Its a lot of fun looking and planning, but its also stressful not knowing where I’ll end up. Trying to just chill out about it. (hope that wasn’t too long!)

katie katie June 3, 2013, 1:26 pm

i HATE HATE HATE looking at houses. jake has this idea in his head that he wants to buy a house, and the constant “look at this house its awesome and we can knock down this wall and do this and that” just stresses me out to no end.

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 1:35 pm

I’m starting to really enjoy it, which is surprising. But, we have very different ideas of what we want. I want one on the smaller side, that we can fix up a little. He wants The Most Expensive House In The World that needs no fixing up at all.

avatar GatorGirl June 3, 2013, 1:50 pm

Gah, I love house hunting. I watch those shows all the time and look online- even though we can’t buy for at least 5 to 10 years since there is a very good chance he’ll be getting 1 year appointments at schools for a while. I love little cottage/bungalow type houses. Or maybe a ranch. My childhood home was 4 floors (and we used all of them) and those stairs make my head spin.

avatar bethany June 3, 2013, 2:38 pm

I love looking at houses. I open house as much as I can. It’s so fun to see what else is out there! That’s how I found our house now. We weren’t looking to buy for another year or 2, but I went to the open house just to look, and a few months later we were making an offer!!

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 2:46 pm

bethany, my problem is I’m afraid any house I like will be bought before I get around to deciding.

avatar bethany June 3, 2013, 2:57 pm

Our house was on the market for a LONG time (9+ months), because it was very dated on the inside (wood paneling everywhere, and a bright red bar in the basement), so we didn’t have to worry about that. No one else was crazy enough to want it. It’s amazing what paint and new curtains does!

avatar BreezyAM June 3, 2013, 2:36 pm

This is how I started making furniture and redoing my house.

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 1:00 pm

You know, my comment was general. I know people like you, and I myself am a planner, so I do try to actively remind myself to enjoy the moment, while also thinking about the future/planning. Its like when you get home from a vacation, you want to start planning the next one. That’s fine, so long as you are also thinking about how nice your last one was. I think the whole needing a project thing is different than needing direction in your life. You are presumably very happy right now, enjoying your first months as a wife and making a nice home for you guys, but of course you are ALSO thinking about all the other stuff that’s coming in the future. I guess its a balance thing. Love your life right now and ALSO think about what’s coming up project-wise. Did that make any sense?

theattack theattack June 3, 2013, 1:07 pm

Ohhh, that makes sense. So I’m not bad off then. I’m not miserable in my current state. I just always want to move forward and do something new and fun. The vacation example resonates right now because we’re still talking about how fun the honeymoon was, but last night we sort of planned all the vacations we plan on taking before we have kids, which ones we’ll take without the kids later on, how old our kids will be when we take them to Disneyworld, etc. It’s just fun to have something to work toward.

avatar csp June 3, 2013, 1:37 pm

Yea, I am a total planner. I have a white board over my desk that I put 20 new years “goal” and check them off. They are everything from paint hallway to go on a vacation over 200 miles away to see the opera. I also put savings goals and health goals. I check them off all year but it helps me remember what I want to accomplish. That way I don’t keep saying “I always wanted to do that or I keep meaning to do that” I have this master list for the year.

avatar GatorGirl June 3, 2013, 2:24 pm

I’m the same way TA, always focusing on what is next and how to plan for what is next. I am a project person.

avatar SpaceySteph June 3, 2013, 2:53 pm

DUDE I totally feel you. The other day I took a day off from work and I was SO BORED, which is a new experience compared to recently. First was wedding planning where every day off I called like 5 places and drove all around town doing stuff and there was never enough time. And then after that it was post-wedding stuff- organizing the house, writing thank you notes….
And now? Feels like I have nothing else to do. I cleaned the house and then was still bored. So I went to Hobby Lobby this weekend and bought a bunch of scrapbooking stuff. I really want to make a scrapbook from our honeymoon (all our saved tickets and stuff are sitting in a shoebox in the closet) before I forget everything. I’m gonna do it! New project!

avatar GatorGirl June 3, 2013, 3:10 pm

Oh, I scrapbook! It’s a great way to fill up idol time and idol hands.

And can I just say post wedding house cleaning BLOWS. Our place is such a fantastic mess. We spent hours this weekend working on it and still…hot mess.

avatar SpaceySteph June 3, 2013, 3:11 pm

Prepare to spend hours more!
I still have wedding crap in piles. But I have given up on them because they’re at least orderly piles. Just don’t go in the closet.

theattack theattack June 3, 2013, 3:20 pm

YES. Post-wedding cleaning sucks, especially when you’re the only one capable of doing it because your herniated husband can’t do anything but lie on the couch in pain. This weekend I found time to vacuum for the first time in an embarrassingly long time, and I feel like a new woman. I want to have our friends over for dinner to show off our new gifts, but no such luck right now.

Also scrapbooking sounds interesting. Is that expensive?

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 3:22 pm

Note to self – get hernia day after wedding.

theattack theattack June 3, 2013, 3:35 pm

Hahaha, not if you want to have lots of honeymoon “fun.” He was saying yesterday how he wishes we could redo the honeymoon because he thought it was ruined by all the pain he was in. I feel so bad for him, but thankfully he’s having surgery tomorrow.

avatar SpaceySteph June 3, 2013, 3:23 pm

There is a not-insignificant start up cost involved if you want to get fancy (you could go crazy with all the different ways to cut paper and stuff- fancy scissors and decorative hole punches and the circle cutter) but at Hobby Lobby I found a starter kit type thing with paper and stickers and a book for $25. That and a glue stick plus regular kitchen shears is probably enough to get your feet wet before investing in the good stuff.

avatar SpaceySteph June 3, 2013, 3:24 pm

Also, you need to print your pictures, which everyone used to do all the time but nobody does anymore. So factor that cost in.

avatar GatorGirl June 3, 2013, 3:26 pm

It doesn’t have to be expensive, but you can make it. I think it cost me about like $25 to start up at Michael’s (an album, filler pages, glue, pretty card stock for photo backing, letters) and then I just save tickets etc from things we do, print out some pictures at Target for like 25 cents each and then occasionally buy the pretty filler stickers. That’s the most expensive part- the little filler stickers are about $3 a pack (usually themed and would only go on one or two pages). But with Michael’s coupons and sales…it doesn’t end up costing that much. I have scrapbooks going back to our first date.

GatorGuy just left for a month away. So I’m home alone to deal with the remainder of the wedding mess and the Thank You cards. And he’s off playing in the big city. Butthead.

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 3:33 pm

for a month? wow that sucks.

avatar GatorGirl June 3, 2013, 3:37 pm

Yup, he’ll be away for the next 27 days. Hello married life…living alone. Haha. He got a grant for travel research and we couldn’t turn it down. So he went and I stayed.

theattack theattack June 3, 2013, 3:42 pm

Yikes, that sounds rough! I guess the very small positive side is that you know all of your thank you cards are going to be really good? (Sorry, just trying to be positive, but really that just sucks)

avatar GatorGirl June 3, 2013, 3:55 pm

I’m not really looking forward to it, but it’s only 27 days. We’ve survived twice that with out seeing each other before :) Plus I’m excited to have full control of the remote and food planning.

Fabelle Fabelle June 3, 2013, 4:00 pm

A month, whoa. I’m pretty sure I told my boyfriend I’d dump him if he was away that long during a hypothetical “what if?” convo we had. (I probably wouldn’t. Probably.)

katie katie June 3, 2013, 4:11 pm

i also scrapbook! its super fun. i am currently having panic attacks because they dont make my albums anymore, though, so theres that. i have no idea what im going to do. i refuse to buy the expensive albums that use the plastic page protectors.

basically, its expensive as you make it. all you need is pictures, a place to put them, and pretty stuff to play with. pictures can be as little as 5 cents each (jesus GG i would NEVER pay 25 cents per picture! lol), and the albums i used to buy were very inexpensive, and then i get some pretty paper (not every page has the pretty paper then, its easier for me and less expensive), and then the stickers. over the years i have grown my collection of stuff that now i have a cricut, a whole library of paper and stickers, a few of the punches, ribbon, twine, ect.

start small would be my advice. start small and simple and just go from there! you will learn as you go.

avatar GatorGirl June 3, 2013, 4:27 pm

Haha, I just threw out a number, I have no idea what I pay for pictures. I usually print out like 6 months worth at once. I want a cricut so bad! I think I’m going to ask for one for Christmas.

katie katie June 3, 2013, 4:32 pm

i just printed my last year with a memorial day deal for 7 cents each, and i was mad about that, lol.

yea, the cricut is pretty sweet, but i hate the money-grab that it is… because after you buy the cricut you have to buy the sticky sheets, and then you have to buy the cartridges, and you have to buy paper for it to cut… so eh. i dont use it as much as i would like.

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 4:52 pm

Another option for wannabe scrapbookers is just making a photobook online. Try winkflash or snapfish. Just upload your pictures, click a couple buttons and they mail you a book. I love them.

avatar csp June 3, 2013, 1:26 pm

Honestly, If you want to have kids, there is absolutely a timeline. half of your eggs are gone by 28. I am in my thirties trying to have a baby and WISH I had started earlier. I thought I had plenty of time and now with a miscarriage and fertility specialists. People act like they can have kids well into thier 40s when the reality is that people can only do that with a team of doctors and 10s of thousands of dollars.

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 1:35 pm

Still though, early 20s is pretty early, no?

katie katie June 3, 2013, 1:40 pm

its not even that its early- you have to have two people to make a baby. unless this lady is going to go to a sperm donor to get her 4 kids (and if she wanted to- cool- thats totally an option if you can afford it/them, ect), the guy she is currently with is saying to her, literally saying the words “no not right now i am not ready i have other goals and dreams and ideas about my life”.

it is *obviously* not the time for this lady to have kids, it doesnt matter how old her eggs are.

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 1:43 pm

Right, great point. Just because 25 is an ok time for some to marry and procreate, doesn’t mean every 25 y/o in any kind of relationship should be marrying.

avatar csp June 3, 2013, 1:53 pm

Right, I think people are giving her a hard time about the details in her letter. But honestly, she has dreams and is forced to sit and wait for her boyfriend to commit. I think she is not being over dramatic or doing things too quickly. If she dreams of a big family, she needs to start moving on that. you don’t know what your fertility is until you start trying to have a baby.

Copa Copa June 3, 2013, 9:54 am

So, from the timeline I understood, you guys are 24…? While I don’t think he wants to be your husband anymore than you want to be his wife, I don’t think he’s TRYING to be your non-committal boyfriend. Many 24 year olds don’t even know what they want for breakfast, let alone how they want to spend the rest of their lives. From what I gleaned from your nine paragraphs of complaints, I don’t think he’s ready to commit to you OR anyone else right now; it truly just sounds, to me, like he’s young and trying to figure things out. Notwithstanding your obvious resentment of him, timing is pretty key in deciding if/when it’s time to take the next step. If you think you know what you want, fine — go find that in someone else. Preferably someone you actually, y’know, like.

Copa Copa June 3, 2013, 9:59 am

“Well, they keep getting preggo, so it can’t be that awful, right? But he is sure it is. Yes, people tell goofy, funny, idiotic stories about the mess babies and kids make, but it’s funny!!! Hello?”

Oh, and this made me laugh aloud. I don’t have kids, but if you truly think parenthood (to FOUR kids, no less) is nothing but fun and games… yikes!

avatar Doodles June 3, 2013, 1:02 pm

Oh yes…this paragraph. ..she needs to find someone with a couple of kids and babysit for days on end then she will realize it is not cute or funny. That in reality it may be rewarding but can be extremely aggravating and stressful and tiring and omg so much more…..oh boy oh boy oh boy…..

“Hello….reality…yes this is Doodles…we have a LW here who is in much need of your assistance. ..Ok so you will get to her shortly…OK GREAT..wonderful. Ok Dearwendy will b in touch again soon. Thanks bye.”

avatar Christy June 3, 2013, 10:10 am

As a 24-year-old, you’ve pretty perfectly described my life. Happy where I am, interested in committing to someone (maybe even my current gf) in the future, but content with the status quo.

avatar Holly June 3, 2013, 11:52 am

Hey now, this 24 year old knows what she wants for breakfast, and that’s Cap’n Crunch.

I have no idea what I want for lunch, however.

findingtheearth findingtheearth June 3, 2013, 1:40 pm

Do they still make Cap’n crunch? I don’t eat cereal a lot and don’t have television, so I never know what is cool for cereal.

avatar Holly June 3, 2013, 5:30 pm

They do! I used to get boxes off of Amazon (in bulk) because I would get massive cravings and wouldn’t be over it until 5 18oz boxes later – or about five months of nothing but that every single morning.

avatar MadMen June 3, 2013, 9:56 am

“Which really frosts my cookies.”

Why havent I heard this term before??? It completes my life.

avatar ktfran June 3, 2013, 10:01 am

SAY WHAT? As others have pointed out, this letter was super painful to read. Break the eff up already, LW.

I want to add, I don’t think either of you are bad people, or assholes. I think you’re just in the wrong relationship. Not to mention, the timing of your life goals do not match up with your boyfriend’s. AT ALL. And that’s OK. LW., I know it must be scary because you thought you were on the path to have this awesome career, a husband, a house and at least two kids by the time you were thirty with more on the way. But you know what, you can have those things. It just isn’t right now with the person you’re with. You need to find someone with the same goals. A compatible person. Break up with your boyfriend, like yesterday.

Why am I so nice today? I could easily have been super sarcastic.

Also, I personally don’t understand not liking in-laws. Every boyfriend I had and whose parents I met we got along famously. I couldn’t imagine ever choosing a partner with crappy parents. I just couldn’t. But I guess I also had to see my mom deal with her in-laws and it wasn’t always pretty.

avatar kerrycontrary June 3, 2013, 10:04 am

“I couldn’t imagine ever choosing a partner with crappy parents.”–THIS. If more people took their potential in-laws into consideration when choosing a partner I’m sure there would be a lot more happy relationships out there. I know it must be hard when you love someone and you meet their family and you are like “oh, crap, they’re insane”. But who you marry is a package deal including family members, crazy pets, children, etc…

avatar ktfran June 3, 2013, 10:11 am

Right? But I’m also very family-oriented. And I think you are too. So, that kind of stuff is super important to me. Also, I don’t want to spend my life dealing with crazy family drama. At all. Ick.

Copa Copa June 3, 2013, 10:43 am

Eh. I know I’ll sound like a crappy person when I say this, but my parents (who are good people individually) are in a terrible marriage — I’d consider them shitty family from an SO’s perspective. It’s “a secret” that they don’t get along even a little bit. They make people EXTREMELY uncomfortable sometimes because the tension between them is obvious even to people who don’t know their secrets. They’re the only family I have locally. I love family-oriented gatherings (my dad’s family lives on the west coast and I LOVE being there for holidays when it’s feasible), but wasn’t blessed with a cohesive family unit near where I live. I’d hate to think a potential partner would hold this against me because I think I turned out fine notwithstanding.

bagge72 bagge72 June 3, 2013, 11:07 am

I don’t think choosing somebody with crappy parents is bad as long as that person isn’t going to side with them all of the time, and agree with everything they say. My friend has a miserable mother, and she tries to make his wife feel like crap, but he has the balls to shut her down, and because of that his wife deals with the occasional off comment, and his mother has learned to keep her mouth shut for the most part or her baby boy is going to be mad at her, and she wouldn’t want that!

katie katie June 3, 2013, 11:23 am

yea, this is the key to it- you can have a crappy in-law family, but as long as your partner is not crappy and not willing to put up with it, your fine. i mean, i guess it still sucks, if you had dreams of sunday dinners and whatever, but- what can you do?

avatar Liquid Luck June 3, 2013, 11:50 am

This is what I was going to say! Having crappy in-laws sucks, but it wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me unless the partner with shitty parents was ok with them being shitty. If you prioritize your relationship with your partner over the one with your parents (like in the situation you mentioned), then I don’t think it’s something to be held against you. It’s the people like the guys in this letter who let their family treat their partners like crap because they “don’t want to get in the middle/take sides” that are the real issue, not the family.

avatar GatorGirl June 3, 2013, 1:47 pm

Yup, I agree with y’all. My MIL went through a crappy period early in our dating. She was a real bitch. But GatorGuy stood up for me to her and defended our relationship etc. It pissed her off even more that he was taking my side, but she finally got the hint that I wasn’t leaving and we have a great relationship now :)

Lyra Lyra June 3, 2013, 10:16 am

To be devil’s advocate, one of my best friends from college is married to an amazing guy, but his family is HORRIBLE. Like, they once took out a credit card in his name to pay their mortgage payments and they just left it without paying it off and without telling him. He found out when he tried to apply for a credit card around age 20. The two of them are very good together, he is really really good to my friend, and he is just an all-around great guy who treats everyone with respect. His family is just total crap.

avatar ktfran June 3, 2013, 10:29 am

I totally get what you’re saying and for some it works. And some people turn out awesome despite their family. Just for me, I don’t think it would work. I like family. I like Sunday dinners and holidays. Those things are things I need in my life. So, it’s kind of high on my list of priorities I want in a partner.

I guess I also just think that if you’re with someone who is close with his or her family, but you hate them, then what’s the point? You have to deal with these people forever. I think if the boyfriend wasn’t so entrenched with this family, I might view this LW’s situation differently and I probably wouldn’t have said what I said.

Lyra Lyra June 3, 2013, 10:38 am

Most definitely. I understand that. This friend of mine is very close to her family and her husband has become close to her family also. They don’t see his family all that often and when they do it usually turns into a shit show.

Lindsay Lindsay June 3, 2013, 1:11 pm

I understand that. As long as my SO knew his family was shitty and didn’t let them run his life, then I’d be OK with that. You can’t control what your family is like. But yeah, if he thought they were great and wanted to spend all this time with them, then it would be too much.

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 10:19 am

So true about in-laws. I LOVE my SO’s family. I can’t imagine wanting to marry someone with a shitty family, especially if my husband were close with them and wanted us to spend a lot of time with them.

Lyra Lyra June 3, 2013, 10:10 am

Yikes. Just, wow. LW, you wrote almost 9 paragraphs and you didn’t have one good thing to say about your boyfriend. That in itself should tell you something. This is far from a healthy relationship. From what you wrote on here you don’t agree on anything in this relationship — from marriage to kids to vacations.

I know all these comments will be hard to read. I caution you against this: don’t waste more time hoping that he will change. People won’t change unless THEY want to change. I learned that lesson the hard way. Think of it this way: say you get married and have three kids, but he is still going to his mom with everything instead of talking to you. How would you feel? That’s how things will be if you stay with this guy. Please do what’s best for you and move on from him.

avatar rachel June 3, 2013, 10:13 am

Wait, before I finish reading, what in the world is a “room temperature IQ”? Is that a thing? Because you know room temperature is like 72, and an IQ of 72 would be, well, pretty functionally impaired? So maybe you shouldn’t take advice from a man you think is dumb?

avatar lets_be_honest June 3, 2013, 10:20 am

I don’t think she knows what that means, because she describes him in every other way as smart and successful.

bagge72 bagge72 June 3, 2013, 11:13 am

It is just too hard to say, she sounds like she could be completely using the term wrong or It sounds like he might be a hard working professional laborer, and despite that is still successful (according to her).

avatar rachel June 3, 2013, 11:16 am

Yeah, lbh, I was wondering if that might be the case.

Miel Miel June 3, 2013, 12:12 pm

Maybe the dad is really stupid, so he agrees with everything the LW says instead of interfering with her plans and shutting down her ideas, like the mother-in-law does ?

If that’s the case though, it’s really rude. Who would say that about her dad ?

avatar 6napkinburger June 3, 2013, 12:52 pm

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=room%20temperature%20iq

Exactly. So confused. Maybe it’s that you don’t need to have brains that break the bank to work hard and be successful? But what a way to backhandedly insult your dad…