He tells me that, yes, he wants to get married, but right now is too soon for him. And he is very, very, very, wary of buying a house due to student loan debt. We also can’t agree on how many kids we’d like to have. I say I want three or four kids. He gives me the pained look and asks, “Really?”. I know with the economic crisis people are scaling back on the number of kids they have, but we are pretty well off financially. Still, he’d like just one. In fact, he really dislikes to even discuss children. He has these ideas that we will sacrifice our lives if we have them, meaning we will never have any fun ever again if we ever have a child. Every pained expression of his is also accompanied by the final phrase of “Someday, just not now. Like, awhile from now.” And he’s always talking about how people at his work are always complaining about their children. Well, they keep getting preggo, so it can’t be that awful, right? But he is sure it is. Yes, people tell goofy, funny, idiotic stories about the mess babies and kids make, but it’s funny!!! Hello?
We also can’t agree on smaller things, like vacations. He says, “Let’s take a vacation,” but, when I offer possible ideas, he turns them down. And then he has the audacity to complain that I never wanted to figure something out. Or I didn’t have a suitable back-up plan. Which really frosts my cookies.
Or, when we discuss any of the above, he goes and talks to his mother. He runs everything by her. I talk to my Dad about some things, but my father has a room temperature IQ and is a successful professional. Plus, I have the added bonus of having my own original ideas that are not swayed by every negative comment anyone ever had. Yeah, my boyfriend really knows how to keep my hopes and dreams in check.
Additionally, his family has different ideas about how a woman should behave, and, while I am definitely a lady, I am not going to make the same financial decisions as they did. My parents had to hunker down for years, based a mortgage on two incomes, beat cancer, raised two children (who are both doing well), and are living comfortably today because of the hunkering down years ago. His parents took more vacations then we did, they based their mortgage on one salary so his mom could stay at home, and today they are struggling (though they still have vacation money and new vehicles). I want to work just as hard as my parents did because the rewards are well worth it.
I also hate that every time I sit alone with his mother my boyfriend abandons me, and she just talks about herself. Or her beloved son (my boyfriend’s brother) — the man that threatened to do bodily harm to me and my boyfriend (he threatened to break down the door and kill us while we slept), and has made vulgar comments about how he would get what he really wanted from me). He is a pathetic, bottom-dwelling drunk, but the mother thinks he’s perfect and precious. This boy put a hole through a door! And ripped a locked car door open. SO, YES, I HATE HIM! I don’t want to talk about him. I don’t want to see him! I don’t want to go to their home! I don’t want to ever be associated with him! And because of this, I am a bitch who is pulling my boyfriend away from his family and “brainwashing” him.
Unfortunately, the influence that others have on him is so great. Every time he and I discuss something he excitedly repeats our ideas to his parents, they immediately shut him down, and I am once again let down over something, whether it’s future plans like marriage, or a home, or a vacation. Or, the best is when my idea is shut down and then a guy friend or his family repeats the same idea, and, all of a sudden, it’s great!
Why wasn’t it good enough when I said it? Why can’t we make plans without it going through his parents? Why can’t he accept that I will never trust or want to be around his brother? Why can’t he understand that his mother and brother make me uncomfortable? Why does he make slams about something goofy my family did when his own blood has treated me so poorly? Why can’t he follow through on anything??
So I ask you: does my boyfriend really want to be my husband or is he just a non-committal boyfriend? — Tired of Waiting for a Commitment
So… you basically can’t agree on anything, from how many kids you want — and when you want to have them — to where you want to vacation; you can’t stand his family and they don’t like you; he blows off all of your ideas and suggestions; and, frankly, it doesn’t sound like either of you really even likes the other. And, yet, you want to marry him? Why? Because you’re ready to start a family and he’s the person you’re currently in a relationship with? So you think it’s easier and faster to try to change him into the man you want him to be, even though it would mean being stuck with in-laws you can’t stand, rather than breaking up with him and finding someone whose values and dreams for the future better align with yours?
It’s not only not easier, it’s dumb as fuck, as you’d be signing on for many, many, MANY more issues and challenges ahead. Unless you want every single decision you make to be a fight, MOA. Unless you want to be unhappy for the rest of your life, MOA. Unless you want to be stuck with a man who doesn’t share your vision of the future and continues to shut you down and shit all over your dreams, MOA. This is not a relationship that should continue, and I didn’t need all nine of your paragraphs to figure that out.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.